the-phsycopath-blog

[the-phsycopath-blog]

irrational pregnancy mind?

Maybe. Feeling crazy lately, love my partner more than anything yet don’t have the energy to show it. Have a great life yet nothings feeling great. feel like a terrible mum but logically I know I’m a great one.

Spinning too many plates? Perhaps. Mum to a toddler, step mum to a toddler, pregnant, house keeper, full time worker and a wife. Too much? Perhaps. To drop which one? The work but need the money. Egh the limbo of adult life.

Disappearing seems like a good option at this point. Crazy. Not death just off grid. The family and nothing else to worry about, I can see why so many people loose their minds. Which I could afford to loose mine but so many depend on me.

you know I’m 23 n I’m privileged. I’m healthy, safe and warm. Always have been but I carry a lot of stuff from the past that I’ve just never gotten off my chest.

as a teenagers I was forgotten about by my family because my brother was the problem child. i medicated myself for mental health issues at 13 after an attempt at taking my own life.

I was bullied from 10yrs old until I just cut everyone off at 17 for being small, non academic, flat, spotty, chavy, posh. You name it, I was bullied for it.

dressed my half naked dying mum at the age of 9 years old because she was internally bleeding to death. Then had to wait in a house with just my brother alone for my dad whilst she was taken to hospital in an ambulance.

visited my dad in hospital which felt like forever because he nearly died of meningitis at age 7, told my doctors that he wouldn’t make it.

after countless silly teenage relationships with boys where I was made out to be a slag (forced into sexy al activities through peer pressure, never had sex despite them saying I had) I found my self in a relationship at 15 with a drug addict three years older who beat me up repeatedly and rapped me. He then cheated on me in front of me.

16 a moved in with my mum and spent a year indoors because My anxiety was so bad I thought I would die if I left the house.

17 went to a college for kids with issues, met a boy who posted some nudes he’d taken of me whilst I was asleep at a party on the internet.

18 went to college properly and became addicted to MDMA and binge drinking. Had an overdose.

19 rekindled love with the love of my life form my childhood but was a recovering addict and had a serious alcohol problem

left my love of my life because I need to sort myself out but instead went on a self destruction gap year in which I got heavily intoxicated and raped once and drunk pressured into sex twice.

met the bio father of my daughter, raised his child for two years whilst he cheated on me, before falling pregnant with my daughter whilst on contraception.

Spent the following year creating a home, raising a child that wasn’t mind and growing my child and planning a wedding all whilst being emotionally abused daily, raped nightly And watched through cameras in the house.

fell pregnant in the February after having my daughter and miscarriaged at 3 months pregnant on my own whisky looking after my daughter because he was somewhere doing someone.

when baby was 8 months old got told ‘I don’t want to marry you anymore’ whilst lay in bed one night and two days later moved 80miles away with a baby into my little brothers room and had to start fresh with literally nothing but clothes and a phone.

now I’m here

[the-phsycopath-blog]

Back again. Found my worth, felt good. Built a life for me and my daughter. Rekindled with a childhood friend. Fell in love. Got pregnant. Planned a life. And again it’s all falling from beneath my feet.

maybe I expect too much from love? To me love isn’t words of affirmation and affection. It’s actions, giving up things for your family, providing, doing things you don’t really like doing but it’s for the good of the family. That’s love. But it seems that’s too much? It seems that to everyone else I come into contact with love isn’t putting anyone else first. Love isn’t doing the absolute most for someone. Love isn’t being relentlessly supportive regardless of your own needs… so maybe I expect too much from love?

I got to a point where I realised I was dating narcissists. Figured that out and broke the cycle. And now I’m at a point where I’m realising that clearly I’m the issue. Perhaps I make them narcissistic by expecting love they can’t provide. Just a magnet for men who can’t love. Only this time my daughter is aware and directly effected. And I’m carrying a baby that I know I won’t be able to care for alone and I won’t be able to cope with getting rid of.

officially feeling like the unlovable person I so clearly am.

[the-phsycopath-blog]

Im sad. Most of the time, if not all of the time. I just don't havw the luxury of being able to display my emotions. I have a very young child who i spend every day hiding my ture sad self from. It seems easy at the time but when i crawl into bed at night and im as alone as i can be it hurts.

After spending 4 years creating a life with a man who would have been my husband next month has comw to an end i realise i have nothing but my daughter. And even she doesnt have my name. Sad. He has the fsmily home, a car, job, friends and no responsibility. Meanwhile I'm sleeoing in a childs bed sharing my younger brothers room eith my baby, two hours away from everything i built.

What went wrong? We had a baby. Well, i had a baby. Shes his but you wouldn't know it. Happy to watch us leave when she was 9months old. Ive spent the last two months fighting his corner to my family and for what? Coming to my senses and reasliing im a mug. A worthless peice of shit he could just walk all over.

Realising that i really was stupid for ever thinking anyone could truly love me? Why would they. The sadest part is when im low, or have flash backs to the unspeakable things that have happened to me the only person i wsnt to hold me is him. The only person i know who can make me feel better is him. Even tho I've been cassed aside. Pathetic.

[the-phsycopath-blog]

people were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being use.

Unknown

unfortunately this is very true, it makes me feel sad at times to be part of this world.

[the-phsycopath-blog]

Unfortunately 🖕🏻

[the-phsycopath-blog]