the-nephilim-98 - Tumblr blog

[the-nephilim-98]

3 years ago I spent new years in you arms. I almost died in that car accident, and we held each other so much tighter after that. Tonight I sat alone wishing I had died next to you in that car. And you spent the new years in the arms of your new husband. I should have died that day, madly in love with you and you madly in love with me. Then you could move on to your husband and leave me 6 feet deep. Instead I'm a living corpse I walk, I talk, but inside I'm so empty. I love you and only you, I've changed in so many ways. But it's all too little too late. I'll never love again. I'll never move on. I died when you left. I'm a walking shell just flesh and bone waiting to rest in the ground. You hold my heart and soul. I'm nothing.

[the-nephilim-98]

A lesson learned at the cost of everything i love.

[the-nephilim-98]

Every day I run it over in my head and think of what I couldve done different how I couldve done better so that I can change it all about myself. To become the best I possibly can, and maybe if I was who I am I could change our past. But everytime i think it over, its small changes meaningless and so meaning full. Maybe its all the little things I didn't do for us, and if so then I will make sure if I get the chance they won't take you from me again. But I cant help but think you were just in a dark place at a dark time and I just couldn't be there. The scary part of that is the little things push me to be the best man you couldve ever been with. But if the flaw was that I couldn't save you from your own weakness then all I can curse is fate for weakening you and taking you from me. And that pushes a darkness in me that wants revenge from existence itself. I just hope one day you come to me and I can do the first and fix the flaws in me and love you how I was always meant to. Otherwise ill make the world pay for what it stole from me, even if who I was didn't deserve you. Who I've become is greater than I ever was, and I will only become more until no one can say I am not worthy. "If you dont think youre good enough become good enough." You did it for me, I owe you it even if you deny me it until I die.

[the-nephilim-98]

[the-nephilim-98]

One day you'll unblock me, one day you'll message me, and on that day you'll find all I've ever had for you was the purest of love. I just was always too insecure and scared to show it. One day you'll come to me and you'll find what you've always wanted and deserved. I am the one for you, it just wasn't the right time yet. Ill make sure im ready when you come home. I love you always and forever.

[the-nephilim-98]

The best feeling in the world is finding yourself when you've been lost for so long. The worst feeling in the world is finding yourself and waking up from the dream you've been in to find everything you loved and cared about destroyed and the blood all on your own hands. And all you can do is love them and hate yourself. I lost you with my lies, my actions, and my insecurities. I will cast them aside so maybe one day you can love me again because I truly love you. I will never find a new, I will become the best man I can be. Because you deserved that from the day we first met and maybe one day ill get the honor of giving you what you always deserved and what I always wanted.

[the-nephilim-98]

Im dead

[the-nephilim-98]

Exactly

[the-nephilim-98]

[the-nephilim-98]

“Do you remember when we first met? I thought I had wandered into a dream.”

— J.R.R. Tolkien

[the-nephilim-98]

[the-nephilim-98]

[the-nephilim-98]

“You have a place in my heart no one else ever could have.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

[the-nephilim-98]

“It has made me better, loving you.”

— Henry James

[the-nephilim-98]

“My soul chose yours. And a soul doesn’t just forget that.”

— Ben Maxfield

[the-nephilim-98]

I can’t go to bed. Not until I’m exhausted. I can’t risk lying in the dark and having time to think, and regret, and feel, and think some more.

[the-nephilim-98]