the-name-isnt-important

[the-name-isnt-important]

No Heroes in Anarchy, No Church in the Wild

This is a bit of a venting session in regards to what has happened the last couple of days in America, and with my own development as a human, so bear with me. This is cathartic for me after endless doomscrolling. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the endless bad news, don’t read on. Take care of yourself.

I forgot the rally was going to happen on January 6th. I knew there would be Trump supporters there expressing their displeasure, but it totally slipped my mind. It wasn't until I went to the gym and saw on most of the TV's that the protestors were marching up the steps. From that point on, for about 5 hours, I was glued to the news, waiting for what would happen next.

Hours before, Trump holds a rally to remind his followers there was a stolen election. “Everyone knows it,” he reminds them, and the emotions are running wild. What else can you possibly do with these emotions, so bottled up inside ready to burst while your leader tells you they are justified? For some of his followers, for thousands of them, you storm the Capitol.

Five people dead, two explosive devices found, multiple shattered windows, stolen government property, breaking in to government officials’ offices. American, Confederate, Gadsden, America First and Jesus 2020 flags flew high by the “patriots” that held them. Oath Keepers, Camp Auschwitz, Nationalist Social Club, and MAGA Civil Way 2021 pieces of clothing were found by some members in attendance, likely showing everyone just who should be in control. The crowd was riling each other up, members in attendance probably feeling proud to be part of a moment in history. Biden responds via press conference first, giving a well-groomed speech on the horrific events that are taking place and calls for the President to address the mob. To send them home. Trump responds in an Instagram video (which was deleted a couple hours later) telling the mob that he understood how they felt, and how special they were, but they needed to go home. Once the dust settles, the 6:00 curfew sends away most of the protestors, even though there were some still present who kept telling the police to go fuck themselves. The night caps off with a tweet by Trump which says: “These are the things and events that happen when a sacred landslide election victory is so unceremoniously & viciously stripped away from great patriots who have been badly & unfairly treated for so long. Go home with love & in peace. Remember this day forever!” 

All-in-all, a disgusting display of humanity.

Since then, I have had conversations with some people, because diplomatic conversations on serious topics like this are some of my favorite things to have, and I believe will help bridge the divide between the conflicts mixed supporters have. Of course I expressed my anger on my story as the events unfolded, so people already knew my thoughts and I was a little hot going into them. Maybe a slight emotional mishap on my part, but it was genuine nonetheless. Some people were receptive. We agreed that what was going on was horrible, and regardless of where you stood politically it should not have happened. I’m grateful to have people like that around. There were others who responded in opposition to what I had to say. They made claims that because the protests were being compared to the BLM protests of the summer that it had all the sudden become a race issue, and they chose to focus on that instead of the violence. There were also some who used God as their standing ground, that God and capitalism had to survive because this country was heading in the wrong direction and if it gets any more socialist then we are screwed. And, of course, there were those who defended their party. True Republicans would never do something like that. While I am grateful to have those conversations as well, they went nowhere. 

I won’t sit here and express my political concerns to you. I don’t identify with any party. Right now, I lean more left, but balance and perspective demand that I keep an open mind to the ideas of the other side. I also do not believe in titles. As Stephen Fry once said, I would rather be a collection of verbs than nouns. But for clarity sake, I would say I am closest to a humanist. Humanity, and the potential for people, has always been something I hold dear. The freedoms and individuality we have is made even more beautiful when find the commonalities to create a society meant for progress. We benefit when we grow, no matter how slow the growth is. 

No one will ever call me some kind of anarchist leader, despite my many complaints about society. You won’t see me at the head of a mob ready to charge viciously for what I believe in. Hell, I probably won’t even be in the back of the mob. I am no hero. There are no heroes in the modern world. My place is here: using the written word to tell my story and get people to think. And here’s where you may need to think: you may be wrong about the opinion you hold so dear, even the hill you so desperately wish to die on. Your rigidity to a certain value may be the exact thing to cause you to do something violent. To harm people and cause destruction while you look at others doing something similar and think, “how could they be so evil?” You are not so dissimilar to your enemies. You have more in common than you know, including your stubbornness against perspective. 

Back last February, I had the chance to sit down with a man in Montana who referred to himself as a White Nationalist (the bizarre thing was the conversation started out with basketball) for about three hours. At this point, I had just lost my faith and had so many existential crises that the world seemed like nothing but a big ball of blue in an endless space of black, yet I stood my ground on the basis of love and humanity. We talked about faith, love, race, psychology, and philosophy. Here’s the crazy part: during that conversation, he made points that I agreed with! And I made points that he agreed with! Can you imagine? A civil discussion between two different people where we found common ground! What a concept! 

To this day, it was the best stranger interaction I’ve ever had. And I once had a homeless man try to fight me over my shoes in a library!

Obviously this post comes with my own opinions on the event, which you can take as truth if you want. But I implore you to dissect it and find out for yourself if it is true. The same goes for what’s going on right now! Take it apart, find the bias in each headline, think about your true motives, and be free. 

Sincerely, your residential “humanist”,

-D

[the-name-isnt-important]

This doesn’t seem possible, and I don’t think I’m going to make it

This is a thought many of us resonate with on some level during a pandemic. I live in Michigan, where we are repeatedly shutting down our shops and restaurants, so going anywhere is near impossible. That’s not what I’m talking about here, however.

Since May of this year, I have been searching my soul for a life that is worth living, and I have to tell you it’s been the hardest thing I have ever done. I went through a brutal break-up, moved back home after I didn’t see a future with my job, and saw no clear direction to move in, even when I had options. Since then, I have experienced the most invasive therapy imaginable that has torn down every wall I could’ve built to protect myself, and yet somehow, I have more walls that are being torn down with the passing months of reflection. This is where I’ve reached a point that I have felt many times before: I’m not going to survive this.

I’d love to reflect on the work that has been successful with hopeful optimism and just leave it at that. I could tell you that I had a conversation with my ex and we ended things on much better terms. I could tell you that I moved out of my parent’s house and am living on my own in a new city. I could go into detail about my new job that I start in 2021: working as a psychiatric technician (the first “real” job that goes with my degree). I could even get in-depth with how in-shape I have stayed, despite the world being closed and most of my time being spent at home. These are all positive narratives. 

Unfortunately, I have been conditioned to see things differently.

From my perspective, I see a great conversation with an ex bringing up old feelings that I was not over, and wishing I could take back the mistakes I made and live a life with her. I look at my house and I see a shithole in a bad neighborhood, one that I can’t go out walking at night in. The job has some deceptive downsides to it, as it works in the psychiatry field, which often numbs our culture by solving our problems with a “magic” pill. And still, even though I’m a fit 24-year old with decent features, I see an overweight freak who is better off being alone.

What a bummer, right?

Now, as I sit here just finishing another session in month 7 of therapy, I look at more challenges I face; ones that involve addictive behaviors and feelings of inadequacy. I see where I’ve come from, and, yes, the improvement I’ve made, but oh God the miles and miles that I still must go. I have to believe I am not the only one who has thoughts like this, especially when now all most of us have time for is to sit and think. 

Those who know me know I am an honest man. I don’t have many solutions, I ask more questions than I answer, but bullshit disgusts me. There is an inner Enjolras that wants to start many small-to-large revolutions against corruptions of our culture. I constantly imagine many Red Dawn scenarios where I am leading a rebel group of “Wolverines” against a system that is no longer working, because I am so determined to fight for the beliefs I hold dear. But I am a man at war with himself. Doubt is the smallest word to describe the battles of the heart and mind. No word sums it up, nor will I try to find one.

There is fear I have felt navigating the future, and it has both held me at gunpoint and motivated me to change. I know well that there is a future for those who chose to pursue it, and a promising one at that should you really want it. I wonder if I truly deserve it most days. Maybe I don't. But maybe I do. I have to trust in the latter to keep me alive.

To those who made it to the end, do me a favor: please hold your positive vibes you want to send my way. You may mean well with the thoughts and prayers you’re sending, but I have to admit I don’t want them. If you ARE reading this, chances are you’re very dear to me, and you should know I love you and you have a place in my heart. But if I hear another person telling me “it’ll get better”, to “give it time”, or to “stay positive”, I might throw a cat off a building.

*I don’t own a cat, and it would land on it’s feet anyways, so fuck off PETA*

If, at all IF, you resonate with this on some level, I hope this helps. I could write a novel on the feelings of hopelessness told in a whimsical way. Sometimes, that’s what helps me to process it. That, and humor (see the cat comment). But we are all trying our best to live in a world that, frankly, doesn't make much sense.. Life is what it is. I don’t understand it, but it’s here. If I can help even one person know there’s someone else out there who is tired and sick of the bullshit, this was worth it. You are one of my favorite kinds of people. There should be more skeptics and rebels in the world

Thanks for reading.

-D

[the-name-isnt-important]

Social Movements

So this is where I think I lose some of you who have been so gracious about my posts. I've been pretty safe up until this point (only three posts in, not that many), but this is where I feel there will be some conflict.

I started writing this six days ago at five in the morning. Since I started this blog, I knew this was a topic I wanted to talk about. Apparently, the built-up of excitement got me to wake up and not calm down until I wrote.

This is my second draft, by the way. The first one was, as I said, written at 5 in the morning, so there were spelling errors galore and grammatical whatthefucks everywhere. So let's try this again!

I'm happy to be in a time where we are seeing more people step up against inequality. It never quite made sense to me, even as a kid, to think I was better than someone else in society just because of how I was born. I'm happy to tell anyone that black lives do matter, so much so that I hope it's a cliché one day to say that because "well duh, everyone matters". And the same goes for gender equality. While there are differences, we are all human, and me owning another person as property or thinking I have to be domineering to women to have respect. I'll stay confident-neutral: respect and love to all, with the hope I get the same in return, while still loving who I am.

I suppose you can sense the shift is coming, huh?

Kind of.

There is no counter to what I said before. There is no condition to loving and respecting everyone I see (only that they treat me in a similar way; the golden rule). What I have a counter to is what we see more of: social movements.

Social movements do not have the impact they should. Right out of the gate, movements like BLM or Gay Rights or #MeToo do phenomenally. It seems like a train is moving that people are happy to jump onto, from politicians to celebrities to Joe down the street, it feels good to be part of something that is new-ish and gaining momentum. And the motives are so pure. Equal rights! Right to marry whoever! No pink tax! Only a monster would consciously notice that and actively work against it. Those people should be brought down. But onto the matter at hand...

There are two problems I see with these movements that cause it to lose all credibility: hate and greed. Both are subtle, but noticeable if you're looking.

Hate occurs when there's a lull in a movement. It's no longer about the purity of this right. It's about finding an enemy and giving them a taste of their own medicine. An eye for an eye! Sounds fair, right? What happens, however, is the hate that faced the prejudiced group is only redirected, never eliminated. The hate that a white police officer shows to a black man unjustly needs to be sent back to the police officer, people will say. He needs to get what he deserves!

No he doesn't. There could be many reasons why he's like that: poor parenting, wrong city culture, unconsciously following the leaders like many of us do! Like I said, the monsters are the ones who know right and wrong and choose wrong anyway. How many of these people truly are consciously committing evil when they could be acting unknowingly? You do NOT create a culture of love and respect by directing love the other way. You do it by forgiveness. By showing you're better than the ones who cause harm. Calling out Jimmy Fallon for using blackface in the late 90's will not bring justice to our system.

Greed is the other problem. Let me say this: I support black lives matter, but I do not support BLM. Does that make sense?

Over the past few months, companies like Nike, Netflix, Reddit, Audible, and hundreds of others are sending out support for their black employees. Some are even featuring black content on their homepages. Great. But what was the motive for doing that? Let's say you're a multi-billion dollar company and you see a movement for hamster rights (weird example, but bear with me). As a PR head of the company, you may think "What the fuck? This is stupid! The world was fine before!" However, every other major billion dollar empire is featuring books on hamsters and movies like G-Force on their front page. Well shit, as the head of PR, you better get on it, because the world will see that you did not support hamsters and will vilify you! Send out that email that you support all your hamster workers and put up an orange and white flag on your social media. Otherwise, you won't survive as a company.

That's just on a business level. How many of you posted the black screen on your Instagram? I did, and it felt good to be part of something that, by the time I posted, 12 million people already tagged. But people still took advantage of the post that was only supposed to say #blackouttuesday. Next to it, they put a post telling people "you should really increase your awareness like I did" or even, instead of a black screen, posting a picture of themselves modeling. Because they were so overwhelmed with love and support, they couldn't help but look at the camera in a sexy way! What a hard life.

You want true, honest activism? Look up Zianna Oliphant's speech to the Charlotte City Council. A nine year old girl in tears speaking about how it shouldn't be this way. Nine years old. My word was weeping as I watched that. Or maybe Tarana Burke coining the phrase "MeToo" back in 2006 empowering women through empathy. Trailblazer in her own right. But don't expect my ass to just sit here while I listen to all the bandwagoners jump onto some movement that's catching heat when in reality you don't know what you believe and you're really just acting like everyone else because you don't know how to think for yourself. And also (rant continued) it is not brave to sit behind your screen and harass those who do not believe the same things you do. You are not a hero. Step up to the plate and express the love that's real, not the faux affection you put up because you want to be noticed or liked. This is my passion: people thinking for themselves and defending what they know is important, not because anyone told them to believe it, but because they decided it for themselves. I will die by free thinking. Would you die for your values?

Selfishly, I have noticed another trend that will start to become more real. This is something I've known for the last 10 years. And it is: some day, someone like me (straight, white, man, middle-class family, tall, blonde hair, Christian parents) will be seen as the enemy. In every one of those areas I have been called ignorant. Soon, someone will just have to look at me (if some don't already) and get filled with nothing but hate. I don't want that. But I also don't want that for anyone else. That's why I express my concerns like this.

I would love to have a conversation on this topic. Whether you disagree or love it, let's have a civil conversation. I am open for the opportunity to be wrong on anything I have said, but just know I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I have said, and I won't be swayed easily.

The heart is crucial in times like this. Love, joy, compassion, peace, forgiveness, it's all needed. I want to see the world grow. I want love, not hate. Generosity, not greed. People, not profit.

[the-name-isnt-important]

Life beyond the mind

Lately, I’ve taken up an interest in consciousness. I’ve been studying more from Eckhart Tolle, Adyashanti, Sadhguru, Matt Helm, among many others who have been teaching me more about the idea of being “conscious”: to be aware that what you think you are isn’t what you really are. What they have pointed out is the mind is not really you. It is a part of us, yes, but there exists life beyond the mind itself. We feel love but cannot accurately explain it. Our passions that drive us cannot ever truly be summed up completely. It’s a bizarre concept, and it really fucking annoys me.

Like most of us I want there to be an answer. In the age of information, there has to be a logical explanation for why I am experiencing the emotions that I am, or why certain life situations don’t play out the way I plan for them to. There has to be a reason. 

And yet, things happen out of our control all the time with no real explanation as to why. If you’re like me, that’s likely to cause conflict. “But I planned it out!” you might say to yourself. “It isn’t supposed to be like this!” “What does it all mean?” And through alllllll those questions, you know what you’ll often get?

Nothing.

In my time of searching for ultimate truth, for reasonable explanations to life’s biggest questions, I kept running into this. Nothing. Every possible explanation I came up with was childish when I dissected it to its roots. So infantile did it seem like I could figure out the questions that have plagued the minds of great philosophers, psychologists and novelists. And yet little ol’ me from Midwestern United States thought “Nah. I got this.”

It was only when I realized that my goose chase was pointless that I really got to the spot I was looking for. I gave up. There was no universal truth. Every philosophy had flaws. Religion was corrupted by the sins it swore to fend off. Even anti-religions just followed similar doctrines as religion, though claiming to be different. And the physical world may have been the most deadly of all, with promises of happiness in every form if you have just the right naivety and dollar amount.

When all else failed, I looked inside. I was empty. I had truly nothing to cling to. My life was the freefall without a parachute. And you know what: I accepted it. It was over, and that was fine. 

Yet, through some divine intervention, I was introduced to just the right teacher at just the right time, who showed me just how beautiful that emptiness was. In that space, where mind was quiet and the silence around you was so deafening, existed the place I was searching for. I couldn’t force it. There was no clear way to get there. It was just...there.

And it was beautiful.

I experienced love like I hadn’t in a very long time. Through everything that had gone wrong in my life, I saw that they were really what I needed. Instead of seeing myself as ugly and worthless, I saw potential and beauty. Birds never sang so beautifully. The water I drank never quenched my thirst so well. I never felt so happy to just...sit, and do nothing! It was incredible.

Since that time, it has been a journey to find my way back to that paradise. I’ve been there a few more times since then, but my mind wants to come with me. However, it will never be able to. We live in a world where our mind is treated like our most trusted ally. What we need to realize is it can help, but in the driver seat it will eventually steer us off the road. Being someone who loves to think so much, it’s been a kick in the nether regions to know that I didn’t have to think so much. It has helped me, sure, and helped shape me into the person that I am today. However, it is ego that kills life. 

[the-name-isnt-important]

The Name Isn’t Important

In the shower, as I was rinsing my moppy hair and horrendous odor, I was contemplating our culture and the right philosophies of life (you know, like anyone would do). What came up were exciting thoughts, feelings of hope for the future, and then the inevitable feeling of sadness for things being as fucked up as they are. 

When I started to think for myself (that is, without letting the influence of the masses get to me or letting others making decisions for me without discerning them), it was liberating at first. I felt free! I was free! My mind was my mind, my passions were my passions, my goals had all the potential in the world. Then, it got scary. Freedom, when unchecked, runs amok. If not properly disciplined by the user, it will take away more than it offers to give. I felt the feeling of hope take over and let it run wild, like a Beagle being walked by a timid owner. Without me realizing it, it was almost as if it was someone else making the decisions for me. That’s not freedom, is it?

We live in a time of seemingly limitless stimulation. Our “joys” can be accessed within an instant through our phones or by driving 5 minutes away from home or in a cardboard box delivered without us needing to leave home. It’s great, isn’t it? We have whatever we want!

Is it what we want, though?

We are conditioned to believe that our lives are our own. We can live any sort of dream life we choose in the form of a career, a house, a family, a retirement plan, a summer home, an annual trip, new toys, endless food...whatever you desire, your majesty. What we don’t get, however, is perhaps our greatest tool: the ability to think for ourselves. It’s frustrating when you’re on the outside of that, because you just want everyone to be out there with you! It’s lonely! When you see a popular trend and you’re one of few who can see its shortcomings, you get sad because you just want to be in on it! When you see a popular celebrity that you just cannot stand but everyone loves, you try to see if you’re not seeing this person the right way. When a social movement starts out with so much potential, and yet you can see the downside of where it is heading because you understand the culture we live in, there’s nothing but hopeless thoughts and uncertainty of how to approach it.

This is where this blog comes in. I have thoughts (MANY of them) that will make sense, and some that won’t. I’ve done research on some topics, and others I just have mere opinions on. I will say things that are popular and that the majority will agree upon, and others that I will offend people on. So be it. You know why? Because one day we will die. And I used to say that in a nihilistic tone, knowing that inevitability of death meant that everything (EVERYTHING) was temporary. There’s many hopeless nights when that happens. Now, I say that with a more joyful tone, knowing the impermanence of death makes life that much more beautiful.

There’s a reason I came up with the name of this blog. I spent hours thinking of what the perfect, marketable name could be. The one that will get people talking or become trending (because that’s seen as important now). But honesty doesn’t have a brand. Making a profit on telling the truth seemed morally wrong to me. Money has always been seen that way in my eyes. Maybe I will change my mind on that some day. For now, just know that the name isn’t important. The author shouldn’t be glorified. The content, if it sings a song in your heart, should be sung to the world.

If this blog resonates with you, share it. Let everyone you know hear some honest truth. If it offends you in some way, share it. Form your own opinion on why I am wrong. If you would like to thank me for speaking the hard truth, tell me. I’d love to hear it. If you’d like to tell me in whatever tone of voice you choose that I am wrong, tell me. Discussion is humanity at its finest. Questioning is raw freedom. And to warn you, because I’ve had to learn this the hard way, when it comes to the values you hold dear, the ones you would “die on a hill” for, just remember:

There’s a chance you’re wrong.

Keep asking questions. Doubt everything. Let love show its true colors.