the-little-ewok

[the-little-ewok]

Aw thank you for saying that! Thank you so much for reading and reblogging as always 😘😍

The Pink and Blue Ribbon

The Pink and Blue Ribbon Poe Dameron X F!Reader Wordcount: 3.9k (ish) Rating: M Warnings : Infertility/inability to have children, angst, panic attacks, fluff (I promise still fluffy!), talk of children, Poe Dameron being the absolute supportive sweetheart we know he is, (no magical cure) Summary : Living with the new found knowledge you won't be able to have children is hard. Living with the fear of losing the person you love most, is harder.

A/N : This isn't my usual kinda fic so while I tagged the usual's feel free to ignore.

I see a lot on the dash about how Poe would be such a good dad and how excited he would be about pregnancy (which I agree with) but I never see anything from the other side. From the perspective of readers who can't get pregnant, or maybe can, but never got to bring their baby home, and live in fear perhaps they won't ever be able to. There is still such a taboo around talking about miscarriage and infertility. While on the other hand the notion that getting pregnant is simple. But for those of us that the line is not so linier, not so simple, for the fear and feelings it brings, this is for you.

(For context the pink and blue ribbon is a symbol for miscarriage, and infertility awareness).

-Banner made by the beautiful @salome-c . Thank you for making something so special.

----------

"So, when are we going to have little Dameron's running around? You guys have been married for a while now."

Snap's question makes your heart plummet into your stomach and your chest tighten in sudden panic of how to answer.

It wasn't like you hadn't tried. But nothing had worked out in your favour and then the news had finally come that it never would.

Poe had promised you it was okay, that it didn't matter and he still loved you just as much as he always had. Then he held you tightly as you sobbed and tried to ease the pain with his promise, swearing to you that no matter what you would work this out together.

But no challenge could come close to the difficulty of navigating such devastating news.

You knew how much Poe wanted a family. You had spent many hours talking about it, painting a picture in your head of the house and the land that you would buy together; the spare room that would be reserved for a nursery. Together, you would debate about potential baby names and you would insist that whenever you were more hungry than usual, perhaps it was because you were now eating for two.

One day, the house in those dreams would be filled with children’s laughter.

But the news had shattered all of those dreams. One day was never going to come. The family home, filled with the laughter of your children, would stay just a dream. Something unattainable for you.

You were broken, defective.

No amount of reassurance and support from Poe could change your mind: it’s how you saw yourself. Your body simply didn’t work as you longed for it to and no words or promises would ever fix that. It was a heartbreak you would have to learn to live with.

"I think we already have our hands full with yours." You force what you hope comes across as an easy smile as you nod over to Poe, watching him give chase after Snap and Karè's twins, pretending to be too slow to catch them.

The look of pure delight on Poe's face only crushes you more.

Watching him scoop up both of the twins–one under each arm, spinning them as he makes X-Wing engine noises–you wondered if today was the day he'd realise that he couldn't stay with you. That you couldn't give him this. That after all the conversations and promises, love simply wouldn't be enough.

It was only a matter of time until he realised that. And the overwhelming thought of losing him made you feel sick to your stomach.

"You know any kid with Poe's DNA is going to be worse than ours," Snap snorts, "I mean… look at him."

Having put the children safely back on the floor, the General was wobbling on his feet, begging them to let him get his balance back before he tried that again.

"Yeah…" your response is distracted and it doesn't go amiss.

"Hey, are you sure you're okay? You've been quiet all day."

Part of you wants to tell Snap the truth, to lay it out and explain everything that continues to swell and storm inside of you, desperate for release. But the words won't come. Not yet. Speaking them aloud would make them true and the last thing you needed or wanted was sympathy and looks of pity. Not from your friends. Not from anyone.

"Yeah, I'm just not feeling great. Will you let Poe know I've gone back to our room?"

"Yeah, sure." Snap frowns at you before giving you a hug. You see it written all over his face: he wants to ask questions. He knows something is wrong, but he lets you go anyway.

When you’re ready, you’ll tell him everything.

But not today. Today all you want to do is run back to your room, desperate to hide away in fear that they'll see how broken you are.

~

You stand in the middle of your room and look around. The all-too familiar emptiness weighing heavy on your chest as you listen to the silence, while the conversations with Poe still echo in your mind.

Only a few months ago, you had sat with him at the table, discussing the future of your family.

"I still want one of each," Poe had demanded with a grin, sitting down at the table, "boy and a girl."

"I told you, it doesn't work like that. You can't just put in an order," you had laughed, shaking your head. "But I'll have a word and see what I can do, just for you."

Dragging your chair close to his, he'd wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you onto his lap, pressing a soft kiss to your shoulder.

"Fine. Two boys or two girls is also acceptable... As long as they inherit their mom's good looks." Oh, Poe had played all the smooth-talking cards. And of course it had melted you.

"Right, we absolutely wouldn't want them to look like you," you had giggled, wrapping your arms around his neck.

You remembered the fear that had stirred in your stomach even then, and you wondered if your instinct had known all along. If something–perhaps bigger than life and the Force itself–had tried to warn you.

"What if we can't? I mean, we've tried for so long… what if–"

Poe had shaken his head, cutting off your words with a sweet kiss.

"Don't worry. I'm sure everything will be fine. You always worry about nothing." His reassurance had made you smile and you pushed down the nagging doubts once again.

As ever, his distractions temporarily silenced them in your mind.

"Now, who do I speak to about that order?" Poe had grinned.

It was an unsettling and strange feeling, to know that this room had once been filled with so much hope for the future, but now, it only felt empty and cold.

The intrusive thoughts that had reared their ugly head while you sat with Snap now came clawing back, sinking their talons into your heart and refusing to offer any release to the relentless pain you felt.

Poe deserved better than you. He deserved to have the family he'd dared to dream about since the war ended.

He deserved better than broken.

There's no stopping the tears that finally break free, the overflow of emotions that catch in your throat and choke you. At some point, your knees crumple beneath you as though they’re no longer able to support the unbearable weight of the emotions you’ve been carrying around for weeks. You don't even register the pain as you hit the floor, too lost in the storm.

And that's where Poe finds you just a few minutes later.

You’re a sobbing mess on the floor, stifling your cries with one hand while the other wraps around your body, desperately trying to hold together whatever pieces are left.

Within seconds, he's on his knees with his arms around you before the door has fully closed behind him.

"What happened? What's wrong? Snap said you aren't well?" Poe’s voice is panicked, desperate for answers to questions that he fires off in quick succession before you can answer the first.

Shaking your head, you cover your face with your hands, so desperate to escape from the harsh reality for a few, fleeting moments.

You want to breathe without the overwhelming pain incapacitating you.

You want to run from it all, without the weight of it all holding you down.

You want to hold your husband without feeling like you were keeping him prisoner.

You want what you can never have — the family you dreamed of.

"Hey, talk to me. What happened?" Poe’s hands wrap around yours, their grip tender but firm while he tries to pry them gently from your face.

It takes you a few tries before you can get the words out. They’re broken by hiccupped stutters as you try to voice them but no matter how many times you’ve rehearsed them in your head, it’s almost impossible to speak them.

You know you have to do this for him, but it tears your heart apart at the thought of how much this will hurt him.

But It's for the best.

Poe deserves better.

"Y-You s-sh—you shouldn't b-be with me. We sh-should break u-up," you manage to stutter between sobs. His eyes widen with genuine shock before he frowns, holding your hands tighter as you try to pull away from him. Whatever explanation Poe had been expecting, it hadn’t been that.

"Woah, woah, what? Where has this all come from? Why would we ever do that?" It's all too easy to read the panicked confusion in his eyes. He didn’t understand what you were trying to offer; what you were trying to free him from.. He could have the life that he wanted, just not with you.

"S-Snap asked when we… When we would have k-kids. I know how much you want that. And you deserve that. You've already given up so much, and you're stuck with me, and I cant—I can't give you a family. Y-you should find s-someone who can. I-I'll be okay. It's okay. I'll understand. I do understand."

It's the first time you have allowed yourself to say it out loud, the first time you've truly offered him a way out. That’s when the realisation hits that he might take it, and that thought breaks the last of your strength. It shatters you and slices straight through the fragile thread that had barely been holding you together.

You can almost hear the break of your heart, feel the pain of it deep in your chest. The sobs that follow shake your body, causing each breath to become harder than the last. The blood roars in your ears and it's hard to see, a sudden dizziness overtaking you as you struggle to breathe.

"Stop. Stop. Look at me," taking your face in his hands, Poe forces you to meet his eyes. "Breathe. Sweetheart, calm down. Copy me, okay?"

He breathes in before letting it out slowly, forcing you to watch him until you try to steady your own breathing.

"You're okay. You're okay," he affirms softly, brushing his thumbs across your tear stained cheeks.

It takes a minute before you can speak again.

"I'm not okay. I'm broken, Poe." You murmur with a small shake of your head.

"You're not. You are not," he repeats firmly, emphasising each word as he holds your face. "You are perfect. The most kriffin perfect person I've ever met."

You shake your head again, a broken sob spluttering up that catches in your throat.

"You have to go. I-I can't do the one thing I'm supposed to be able to do. The one thing, Poe. I can't give you a family. I can't give you children and I know—I know how much you want it. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Poe. I'm sorry," you repeat, wrapping your arms around your middle and curling up, the pain from both the force of your sobs and the heartbreak simply too much to fight against.

Poe shushes you gently, desperately trying to calm you and ease the pain. But he’s at a loss of what to do to help, dropping his hands to your shoulders as you turn away from him, scared to see the pain in his eyes.

"We talked about this already. It doesn't matter. It's not important." Poe tries to keep his tone steady but you hear the desperation creeping in.

"It does. It will,” you cut in. “You'll hate me one day when you realise what you missed out on."

Hooking a finger under your chin, Poe lifts your head up again, fixing you with his unwavering gaze. When you try to turn away, he grips your jaw gently, preventing you from turning your head.

"No, stop that. Look at me for a minute and listen,” he tells you firmly. “I didn't fall in love with you because you could give me a family. I fell in love with you. The way you make me laugh harder than anyone. I fell in love with your kindness. I fell in love with your heart. I fell in love with the fact you're the most beautiful creature in this galaxy. From the day I met you, all I've ever wanted was to be with you. To live my life with you… To love you. Nothing would ever change that, and I could never hate you."

He releases your jaw, trusting that you won't turn away again and instead, leans his forehead against yours.

"This doesn't have to be the end of us or of having a family,” Poe continues. "We can look at other solutions. We can adopt. We can look at surrogacy. Or we can, I don't know, get a Porg or something. Anything you like. I'll let you pick."

Pressing a soft kiss to your forehead, he leans back on his heels and takes both your hands in his as you watch him through a blur of tears. The sincerity in his words, combined with the gentle unguarded look in his eyes makes your heart hurt all the more for him.

"Or we can do none of that. And that's okay, too. We can talk about it and decide whenever you're ready, but please don’t ever forget that the only important thing to me is you. As long as I have you, nothing else matters. Nothing."

His promises only make you cry harder in mourning for the future you have both lost.

"I thought that little speech might help but apparently I made it worse?" Normally his gentle teasing would have made you laugh but his kindness only causes you more pain. You can't help but feel as though you don't deserve it, not when he's the one giving everything up for you.

Sitting down next to you on the floor, he pulls you into his lap, your body pliant and tired after the storm of emotions that has wrecked you. You have no strength left to fight him so in your exhaustion, you submit to his warmth, allowing him to wrap his arms around you and hold you tightly.

"I don't want you to feel you have to s-stay… be-because none of this is fair on you," you stutter between sobs.

"When have you ever known me to do something I don't want to do?" he asks softly. "I'm here because I want to be. I chose you to be my wife and I would again, every single time."

He holds you tightly against his chest, pressing soft kisses to your hair, until your sobs recede into quiet whimpers.

"It’s going to be okay," he promises, stroking your hair gently, "we are going to be okay."

While the world around you continues to move, curled in Poe’s arm’s for you it seems to halt. Your whimpers stop, and the tears dry on your cheeks but he doesn’t move, or rush you out of the quiet silence. Instead he allows you the time you need, until the early dusk light bathes the room.

It's Poe who moves first, squeezing you gently.

"Come on. Let's get off the floor,” he murmurs “I'll make you some tea and run you a bath."

"You don't have to do that," your voice is barely a croak as you clumsily get to your feet, suddenly feeling the stiff ache in every muscle. Taking Poe's hand, you help pull him to his feet.

"I know. But I will."

Before you have a chance to move away, he gently cups your cheek, sweeping his thumb across your skin gently as he brings the other hand up to smooth your hair, his eyes scanning over your face, checking you over before he takes a breath, a soft smile pulling up the corners of his lips. "No more crying, okay? It makes your face all red and you're still pretty… but less so," he teases with a wink.

His teasing has the intended effect this time and you allow a soft laugh to break free, glad that he isn't treating you like glass even after everything.

"That's better," he smiles, pulling you into his arms to squeeze you tightly. You wrap your arms around him, burying your face in his neck while he hugs you tighter; a silent confirmation that he isn't going anywhere.

~

"What about a Rancor?" You ask, voice deadly serious with your question.

Poe gives you a momentary look of horror from his place on the floor, but it takes only a second or two before he realises that you’re teasing him.

True to his word, a bath had been run and he had insisted on undressing you before helping you in. Poe had refused to join you, so instead he rolled up his sleeves and settled himself by the side of the tub, his fingers trailing in the water as you allowed the warmth to ease the tension in your sore muscles.

"A Rancor?" he frowns, playing along, "I mean… I was thinking something on the smaller side, sweetheart. Besides-"

"You said anything I like," you cut him off with a pointed look, trying to suppress the smile that fights to break free.

He pauses momentarily before letting out a soft chuckle, "I suppose I did… but I wasn't expecting…" he trails off as you continue to stare expectantly at him, knowing you aren't serious but still expecting the correct answer. "Alright then, a Rancor it is. But I'm picking the name," he sighs in defeat.

"No. Absolutely not."

"What do you mean no?" He laughs, his fingers finding the ticklish spot under your ribs to make you squeal and slide down further in the tub in an attempt to stop him. The water laps dangerously high at the sides with your movement.

"I wouldn't trust you to name a fish," you laugh.

"I'm very offended by your lack of trust in my pet name picking abilities," he huffs with a glare, one that he can barely hold for a second before his face breaks out into an affectionate smile. He looks you over for a minute before he tilts his head, the worry all too clearly back in his eyes. "Are you okay?"

You take a deep breath and let it out slowly, looking up at the ceiling for a moment while debating your answer.

"Not really? But I think I will be, eventually," bringing your eyes back to him, you give him a small, reassuring smile.

Leaning over the tub, he gives you a soft, lingering kiss before rubbing his nose against yours in a way that never fails to bring a smile to your lips.

"Well, no matter how long ‘eventually’ takes, I'll be here, okay? Whatever you need. We will get through this as a team."

Taking your hand with your wedding bands, he laces your fingers together, holding you tightly, a symbol of your union. An unbreakable bond. And for the first time since the news, you believe him. You believe that even as you are, you would be enough. That whatever flight path you chose next, you would fly it together.

And while the weight of it all still sits heavy in your chest, it no longer feels too much to bear. It no longer feels like it's crushing the air from your lungs. Perhaps you were starting to realise you didn’t have to hold that weight alone and you never would.

"I'm sorry. I just had a bit of a wobble," you whisper meekly, suddenly feeling a wave of embarrassment at your reaction and a deep guilt at your sudden disappearance in front of your friends.

"There's nothing to apologise for. It's going to happen sometimes and that's okay. We'll explain to people if you want, but there's no rush. Whenever you're ready. But I swear, I'll always be here to steady every wobble. And I will never, ever, stop loving you. Nothing could make me love you less, only more," he raises your clasped hands to kiss your knuckles gently, making your heart skip in an all too familiar way.

With your free hand, you gently cup his cheek and watch as he turns his head to kiss your palm.

"Thank you, for being you,” you whisper softly.

The earlier upset and pain diminishes. Although it doesn't fade entirely, it's enough to allow you a moment to see things a little more calmly.

With the calm comes something else: a need to be close, to be touched and loved, to feel wanted again. Broken or not.

"Since you mentioned it, I do need something…"

Poe is on his feet before the words have finished leaving your mouth.

"Name it. What can I get you? I am at your service," grinning, he gives you a sweeping bow which only makes you roll your eyes. Maker, how could you have thought for a second that you could give him up?

"I need you to get in the bath with me."

It takes a second for him to register your words, and when he does, he raises his eyebrows with a mischievous grin.

"Oh, you need that, do you? Alright then. Make room," he grins, watching you shuffle back.

You let out a surprised squeak as he steps into the tub still fully clothed and sits down with a splash that sends water sloshing over the sides.

"Poe, what are you doing?"

"You said get in, so I did," he grins, flicking water at you. "Didn't say get undressed and get in." He splashes you with a much bigger wave of water, his eyes full of the playful glint that made you fall for him in the first place. He's doing this to make you laugh and the knowledge makes your heart fill with love.

You try to bite back your smile as you flick water back at him, making your voice as serious as possible.

"Stop it."

"But it seems to me that you've chosen war?" He grins, dipping both hands into the water and cupping them.

"Poe, no! I'm not cleaning up -" your words are cut off into a splutter with the next flick of water that hits you in the face. Wiping water from your eyes you glare at him, "you are so done for now!"

By the time you pause, there isn't much water left in the tub but you're laughing so much that you can't seem to care.

"I've always loved the sound of your laugh," he smiles, pausing in his assault on you. "It's good to hear it again."

As usual, Poe knows exactly what cards to play and when. And of course, just like every other time, it makes you melt.

Smiling, you hold out your hands to take his, lacing your fingers together.

"Nobody makes me laugh harder than you," you repeat his earlier words, watching his eyes light up with pride.

He uses your clasped hands to pull you closer to him before he captures your lips, mumbling about a temporary truce, which only makes you laugh again.

You might not be okay today. Or tomorrow. But one day you hoped you would be. And while your home may not be filled with children's laughter, it will always be filled with love.

It makes you begin to realise, to believe, that love would be enough after all.

--- Beta@ @fisforfulcrum

Masterlist

Taglist : @fisforfulcrum ; @the-scandalorian ; @salome-c ; @mypedrom ; @prettylilhalforc ; @lostinwonderland314 ; @fett-ching ; @userpoe ; @mariesackler ; @pumpkin-stars ; @mbpokemonrulez ; @jitterbugs927 ; @lexloon ; @dailyreverie ; @one-hell-of-a-disappointment ; @reenadreams ;

[the-little-ewok]

[the-little-ewok]

Just wanted to clear this thing up

Friendly reminder that if I haven’t answered your ask the same day, it means either: 

I want to treasure that ask forever

I dont feel up to social interaction

I didnt have time, and ended up forgetting about it

What it does NOT mean:

I dont like getting asks

You’re bothering me by sending asks

SAME APPLIES FOR UNANSWERED TAG GAMES!

[the-little-ewok]

Be prepared to get comments like "Your hair is so pretty. You wrote her hair so pretty. Why is she so pretty?" And "Your writing is so good. I can really tell what he's saying and oh he smells so nice. That's a cool looking bag. Your beta has awesome shoes I bet. What's her name?"

Let the endless compliment cycle begin.

[the-little-ewok]

I have a feeling this will become iconic in due time.  

[the-little-ewok]

Poe Dameron for @the-little-ewok 😊 (insp.)

[the-little-ewok]

Nobody’s perf-

[the-little-ewok]

Absolutely true! Thank you so much for reading and taking the time out to reblog ❤️❤️❤️

The Pink and Blue Ribbon

The Pink and Blue Ribbon Poe Dameron X F!Reader Wordcount: 3.9k (ish) Rating: M Warnings : Infertility/inability to have children, angst, panic attacks, fluff (I promise still fluffy!), talk of children, Poe Dameron being the absolute supportive sweetheart we know he is, (no magical cure) Summary : Living with the new found knowledge you won't be able to have children is hard. Living with the fear of losing the person you love most, is harder.

A/N : This isn't my usual kinda fic so while I tagged the usual's feel free to ignore.

I see a lot on the dash about how Poe would be such a good dad and how excited he would be about pregnancy (which I agree with) but I never see anything from the other side. From the perspective of readers who can't get pregnant, or maybe can, but never got to bring their baby home, and live in fear perhaps they won't ever be able to. There is still such a taboo around talking about miscarriage and infertility. While on the other hand the notion that getting pregnant is simple. But for those of us that the line is not so linier, not so simple, for the fear and feelings it brings, this is for you.

(For context the pink and blue ribbon is a symbol for miscarriage, and infertility awareness).

-Banner made by the beautiful @salome-c . Thank you for making something so special.

----------

"So, when are we going to have little Dameron's running around? You guys have been married for a while now."

Snap's question makes your heart plummet into your stomach and your chest tighten in sudden panic of how to answer.

It wasn't like you hadn't tried. But nothing had worked out in your favour and then the news had finally come that it never would.

Poe had promised you it was okay, that it didn't matter and he still loved you just as much as he always had. Then he held you tightly as you sobbed and tried to ease the pain with his promise, swearing to you that no matter what you would work this out together.

But no challenge could come close to the difficulty of navigating such devastating news.

You knew how much Poe wanted a family. You had spent many hours talking about it, painting a picture in your head of the house and the land that you would buy together; the spare room that would be reserved for a nursery. Together, you would debate about potential baby names and you would insist that whenever you were more hungry than usual, perhaps it was because you were now eating for two.

One day, the house in those dreams would be filled with children’s laughter.

But the news had shattered all of those dreams. One day was never going to come. The family home, filled with the laughter of your children, would stay just a dream. Something unattainable for you.

You were broken, defective.

No amount of reassurance and support from Poe could change your mind: it’s how you saw yourself. Your body simply didn’t work as you longed for it to and no words or promises would ever fix that. It was a heartbreak you would have to learn to live with.

"I think we already have our hands full with yours." You force what you hope comes across as an easy smile as you nod over to Poe, watching him give chase after Snap and Karè's twins, pretending to be too slow to catch them.

The look of pure delight on Poe's face only crushes you more.

Watching him scoop up both of the twins–one under each arm, spinning them as he makes X-Wing engine noises–you wondered if today was the day he'd realise that he couldn't stay with you. That you couldn't give him this. That after all the conversations and promises, love simply wouldn't be enough.

It was only a matter of time until he realised that. And the overwhelming thought of losing him made you feel sick to your stomach.

"You know any kid with Poe's DNA is going to be worse than ours," Snap snorts, "I mean… look at him."

Having put the children safely back on the floor, the General was wobbling on his feet, begging them to let him get his balance back before he tried that again.

"Yeah…" your response is distracted and it doesn't go amiss.

"Hey, are you sure you're okay? You've been quiet all day."

Part of you wants to tell Snap the truth, to lay it out and explain everything that continues to swell and storm inside of you, desperate for release. But the words won't come. Not yet. Speaking them aloud would make them true and the last thing you needed or wanted was sympathy and looks of pity. Not from your friends. Not from anyone.

"Yeah, I'm just not feeling great. Will you let Poe know I've gone back to our room?"

"Yeah, sure." Snap frowns at you before giving you a hug. You see it written all over his face: he wants to ask questions. He knows something is wrong, but he lets you go anyway.

When you’re ready, you’ll tell him everything.

But not today. Today all you want to do is run back to your room, desperate to hide away in fear that they'll see how broken you are.

~

You stand in the middle of your room and look around. The all-too familiar emptiness weighing heavy on your chest as you listen to the silence, while the conversations with Poe still echo in your mind.

Only a few months ago, you had sat with him at the table, discussing the future of your family.

"I still want one of each," Poe had demanded with a grin, sitting down at the table, "boy and a girl."

"I told you, it doesn't work like that. You can't just put in an order," you had laughed, shaking your head. "But I'll have a word and see what I can do, just for you."

Dragging your chair close to his, he'd wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you onto his lap, pressing a soft kiss to your shoulder.

"Fine. Two boys or two girls is also acceptable... As long as they inherit their mom's good looks." Oh, Poe had played all the smooth-talking cards. And of course it had melted you.

"Right, we absolutely wouldn't want them to look like you," you had giggled, wrapping your arms around his neck.

You remembered the fear that had stirred in your stomach even then, and you wondered if your instinct had known all along. If something–perhaps bigger than life and the Force itself–had tried to warn you.

"What if we can't? I mean, we've tried for so long… what if–"

Poe had shaken his head, cutting off your words with a sweet kiss.

"Don't worry. I'm sure everything will be fine. You always worry about nothing." His reassurance had made you smile and you pushed down the nagging doubts once again.

As ever, his distractions temporarily silenced them in your mind.

"Now, who do I speak to about that order?" Poe had grinned.

It was an unsettling and strange feeling, to know that this room had once been filled with so much hope for the future, but now, it only felt empty and cold.

The intrusive thoughts that had reared their ugly head while you sat with Snap now came clawing back, sinking their talons into your heart and refusing to offer any release to the relentless pain you felt.

Poe deserved better than you. He deserved to have the family he'd dared to dream about since the war ended.

He deserved better than broken.

There's no stopping the tears that finally break free, the overflow of emotions that catch in your throat and choke you. At some point, your knees crumple beneath you as though they’re no longer able to support the unbearable weight of the emotions you’ve been carrying around for weeks. You don't even register the pain as you hit the floor, too lost in the storm.

And that's where Poe finds you just a few minutes later.

You’re a sobbing mess on the floor, stifling your cries with one hand while the other wraps around your body, desperately trying to hold together whatever pieces are left.

Within seconds, he's on his knees with his arms around you before the door has fully closed behind him.

"What happened? What's wrong? Snap said you aren't well?" Poe’s voice is panicked, desperate for answers to questions that he fires off in quick succession before you can answer the first.

Shaking your head, you cover your face with your hands, so desperate to escape from the harsh reality for a few, fleeting moments.

You want to breathe without the overwhelming pain incapacitating you.

You want to run from it all, without the weight of it all holding you down.

You want to hold your husband without feeling like you were keeping him prisoner.

You want what you can never have — the family you dreamed of.

"Hey, talk to me. What happened?" Poe’s hands wrap around yours, their grip tender but firm while he tries to pry them gently from your face.

It takes you a few tries before you can get the words out. They’re broken by hiccupped stutters as you try to voice them but no matter how many times you’ve rehearsed them in your head, it’s almost impossible to speak them.

You know you have to do this for him, but it tears your heart apart at the thought of how much this will hurt him.

But It's for the best.

Poe deserves better.

"Y-You s-sh—you shouldn't b-be with me. We sh-should break u-up," you manage to stutter between sobs. His eyes widen with genuine shock before he frowns, holding your hands tighter as you try to pull away from him. Whatever explanation Poe had been expecting, it hadn’t been that.

"Woah, woah, what? Where has this all come from? Why would we ever do that?" It's all too easy to read the panicked confusion in his eyes. He didn’t understand what you were trying to offer; what you were trying to free him from.. He could have the life that he wanted, just not with you.

"S-Snap asked when we… When we would have k-kids. I know how much you want that. And you deserve that. You've already given up so much, and you're stuck with me, and I cant—I can't give you a family. Y-you should find s-someone who can. I-I'll be okay. It's okay. I'll understand. I do understand."

It's the first time you have allowed yourself to say it out loud, the first time you've truly offered him a way out. That’s when the realisation hits that he might take it, and that thought breaks the last of your strength. It shatters you and slices straight through the fragile thread that had barely been holding you together.

You can almost hear the break of your heart, feel the pain of it deep in your chest. The sobs that follow shake your body, causing each breath to become harder than the last. The blood roars in your ears and it's hard to see, a sudden dizziness overtaking you as you struggle to breathe.

"Stop. Stop. Look at me," taking your face in his hands, Poe forces you to meet his eyes. "Breathe. Sweetheart, calm down. Copy me, okay?"

He breathes in before letting it out slowly, forcing you to watch him until you try to steady your own breathing.

"You're okay. You're okay," he affirms softly, brushing his thumbs across your tear stained cheeks.

It takes a minute before you can speak again.

"I'm not okay. I'm broken, Poe." You murmur with a small shake of your head.

"You're not. You are not," he repeats firmly, emphasising each word as he holds your face. "You are perfect. The most kriffin perfect person I've ever met."

You shake your head again, a broken sob spluttering up that catches in your throat.

"You have to go. I-I can't do the one thing I'm supposed to be able to do. The one thing, Poe. I can't give you a family. I can't give you children and I know—I know how much you want it. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Poe. I'm sorry," you repeat, wrapping your arms around your middle and curling up, the pain from both the force of your sobs and the heartbreak simply too much to fight against.

Poe shushes you gently, desperately trying to calm you and ease the pain. But he’s at a loss of what to do to help, dropping his hands to your shoulders as you turn away from him, scared to see the pain in his eyes.

"We talked about this already. It doesn't matter. It's not important." Poe tries to keep his tone steady but you hear the desperation creeping in.

"It does. It will,” you cut in. “You'll hate me one day when you realise what you missed out on."

Hooking a finger under your chin, Poe lifts your head up again, fixing you with his unwavering gaze. When you try to turn away, he grips your jaw gently, preventing you from turning your head.

"No, stop that. Look at me for a minute and listen,” he tells you firmly. “I didn't fall in love with you because you could give me a family. I fell in love with you. The way you make me laugh harder than anyone. I fell in love with your kindness. I fell in love with your heart. I fell in love with the fact you're the most beautiful creature in this galaxy. From the day I met you, all I've ever wanted was to be with you. To live my life with you… To love you. Nothing would ever change that, and I could never hate you."

He releases your jaw, trusting that you won't turn away again and instead, leans his forehead against yours.

"This doesn't have to be the end of us or of having a family,” Poe continues. "We can look at other solutions. We can adopt. We can look at surrogacy. Or we can, I don't know, get a Porg or something. Anything you like. I'll let you pick."

Pressing a soft kiss to your forehead, he leans back on his heels and takes both your hands in his as you watch him through a blur of tears. The sincerity in his words, combined with the gentle unguarded look in his eyes makes your heart hurt all the more for him.

"Or we can do none of that. And that's okay, too. We can talk about it and decide whenever you're ready, but please don’t ever forget that the only important thing to me is you. As long as I have you, nothing else matters. Nothing."

His promises only make you cry harder in mourning for the future you have both lost.

"I thought that little speech might help but apparently I made it worse?" Normally his gentle teasing would have made you laugh but his kindness only causes you more pain. You can't help but feel as though you don't deserve it, not when he's the one giving everything up for you.

Sitting down next to you on the floor, he pulls you into his lap, your body pliant and tired after the storm of emotions that has wrecked you. You have no strength left to fight him so in your exhaustion, you submit to his warmth, allowing him to wrap his arms around you and hold you tightly.

"I don't want you to feel you have to s-stay… be-because none of this is fair on you," you stutter between sobs.

"When have you ever known me to do something I don't want to do?" he asks softly. "I'm here because I want to be. I chose you to be my wife and I would again, every single time."

He holds you tightly against his chest, pressing soft kisses to your hair, until your sobs recede into quiet whimpers.

"It’s going to be okay," he promises, stroking your hair gently, "we are going to be okay."

While the world around you continues to move, curled in Poe’s arm’s for you it seems to halt. Your whimpers stop, and the tears dry on your cheeks but he doesn’t move, or rush you out of the quiet silence. Instead he allows you the time you need, until the early dusk light bathes the room.

It's Poe who moves first, squeezing you gently.

"Come on. Let's get off the floor,” he murmurs “I'll make you some tea and run you a bath."

"You don't have to do that," your voice is barely a croak as you clumsily get to your feet, suddenly feeling the stiff ache in every muscle. Taking Poe's hand, you help pull him to his feet.

"I know. But I will."

Before you have a chance to move away, he gently cups your cheek, sweeping his thumb across your skin gently as he brings the other hand up to smooth your hair, his eyes scanning over your face, checking you over before he takes a breath, a soft smile pulling up the corners of his lips. "No more crying, okay? It makes your face all red and you're still pretty… but less so," he teases with a wink.

His teasing has the intended effect this time and you allow a soft laugh to break free, glad that he isn't treating you like glass even after everything.

"That's better," he smiles, pulling you into his arms to squeeze you tightly. You wrap your arms around him, burying your face in his neck while he hugs you tighter; a silent confirmation that he isn't going anywhere.

~

"What about a Rancor?" You ask, voice deadly serious with your question.

Poe gives you a momentary look of horror from his place on the floor, but it takes only a second or two before he realises that you’re teasing him.

True to his word, a bath had been run and he had insisted on undressing you before helping you in. Poe had refused to join you, so instead he rolled up his sleeves and settled himself by the side of the tub, his fingers trailing in the water as you allowed the warmth to ease the tension in your sore muscles.

"A Rancor?" he frowns, playing along, "I mean… I was thinking something on the smaller side, sweetheart. Besides-"

"You said anything I like," you cut him off with a pointed look, trying to suppress the smile that fights to break free.

He pauses momentarily before letting out a soft chuckle, "I suppose I did… but I wasn't expecting…" he trails off as you continue to stare expectantly at him, knowing you aren't serious but still expecting the correct answer. "Alright then, a Rancor it is. But I'm picking the name," he sighs in defeat.

"No. Absolutely not."

"What do you mean no?" He laughs, his fingers finding the ticklish spot under your ribs to make you squeal and slide down further in the tub in an attempt to stop him. The water laps dangerously high at the sides with your movement.

"I wouldn't trust you to name a fish," you laugh.

"I'm very offended by your lack of trust in my pet name picking abilities," he huffs with a glare, one that he can barely hold for a second before his face breaks out into an affectionate smile. He looks you over for a minute before he tilts his head, the worry all too clearly back in his eyes. "Are you okay?"

You take a deep breath and let it out slowly, looking up at the ceiling for a moment while debating your answer.

"Not really? But I think I will be, eventually," bringing your eyes back to him, you give him a small, reassuring smile.

Leaning over the tub, he gives you a soft, lingering kiss before rubbing his nose against yours in a way that never fails to bring a smile to your lips.

"Well, no matter how long ‘eventually’ takes, I'll be here, okay? Whatever you need. We will get through this as a team."

Taking your hand with your wedding bands, he laces your fingers together, holding you tightly, a symbol of your union. An unbreakable bond. And for the first time since the news, you believe him. You believe that even as you are, you would be enough. That whatever flight path you chose next, you would fly it together.

And while the weight of it all still sits heavy in your chest, it no longer feels too much to bear. It no longer feels like it's crushing the air from your lungs. Perhaps you were starting to realise you didn’t have to hold that weight alone and you never would.

"I'm sorry. I just had a bit of a wobble," you whisper meekly, suddenly feeling a wave of embarrassment at your reaction and a deep guilt at your sudden disappearance in front of your friends.

"There's nothing to apologise for. It's going to happen sometimes and that's okay. We'll explain to people if you want, but there's no rush. Whenever you're ready. But I swear, I'll always be here to steady every wobble. And I will never, ever, stop loving you. Nothing could make me love you less, only more," he raises your clasped hands to kiss your knuckles gently, making your heart skip in an all too familiar way.

With your free hand, you gently cup his cheek and watch as he turns his head to kiss your palm.

"Thank you, for being you,” you whisper softly.

The earlier upset and pain diminishes. Although it doesn't fade entirely, it's enough to allow you a moment to see things a little more calmly.

With the calm comes something else: a need to be close, to be touched and loved, to feel wanted again. Broken or not.

"Since you mentioned it, I do need something…"

Poe is on his feet before the words have finished leaving your mouth.

"Name it. What can I get you? I am at your service," grinning, he gives you a sweeping bow which only makes you roll your eyes. Maker, how could you have thought for a second that you could give him up?

"I need you to get in the bath with me."

It takes a second for him to register your words, and when he does, he raises his eyebrows with a mischievous grin.

"Oh, you need that, do you? Alright then. Make room," he grins, watching you shuffle back.

You let out a surprised squeak as he steps into the tub still fully clothed and sits down with a splash that sends water sloshing over the sides.

"Poe, what are you doing?"

"You said get in, so I did," he grins, flicking water at you. "Didn't say get undressed and get in." He splashes you with a much bigger wave of water, his eyes full of the playful glint that made you fall for him in the first place. He's doing this to make you laugh and the knowledge makes your heart fill with love.

You try to bite back your smile as you flick water back at him, making your voice as serious as possible.

"Stop it."

"But it seems to me that you've chosen war?" He grins, dipping both hands into the water and cupping them.

"Poe, no! I'm not cleaning up -" your words are cut off into a splutter with the next flick of water that hits you in the face. Wiping water from your eyes you glare at him, "you are so done for now!"

By the time you pause, there isn't much water left in the tub but you're laughing so much that you can't seem to care.

"I've always loved the sound of your laugh," he smiles, pausing in his assault on you. "It's good to hear it again."

As usual, Poe knows exactly what cards to play and when. And of course, just like every other time, it makes you melt.

Smiling, you hold out your hands to take his, lacing your fingers together.

"Nobody makes me laugh harder than you," you repeat his earlier words, watching his eyes light up with pride.

He uses your clasped hands to pull you closer to him before he captures your lips, mumbling about a temporary truce, which only makes you laugh again.

You might not be okay today. Or tomorrow. But one day you hoped you would be. And while your home may not be filled with children's laughter, it will always be filled with love.

It makes you begin to realise, to believe, that love would be enough after all.

--- Beta@ @fisforfulcrum

Masterlist

Taglist : @fisforfulcrum ; @the-scandalorian ; @salome-c ; @mypedrom ; @prettylilhalforc ; @lostinwonderland314 ; @fett-ching ; @userpoe ; @mariesackler ; @pumpkin-stars ; @mbpokemonrulez ; @jitterbugs927 ; @lexloon ; @dailyreverie ; @one-hell-of-a-disappointment ; @reenadreams ;

[the-little-ewok]

Ah thank you for reading and reblogging! Glad you enjoyed it 🥹

The F-Word

The F word

Poe Dameron X G/N reader

Rating : T+ 

Wordcount : 6500(ish)

Warnings : Angst, FLUFF, canonical style violence, mention of injury, mention of blood, talk of death, near death experience, language, idiots in love, Poe just being adorable

Summary : Poe Dameron often likes to say he's "fine", it's "fine", everything's "fine". But when a mission goes drastically wrong you no longer believe the pilot and his use of the F-Word.

A/N : Softer and fluffier than it sounds I promise…

GIF by the lovely Salome-C

Anon - I know you submitted this request forever ago. I'm sorry it took so long to write. Since I wasn't sure which prompt list you wanted number 45 form I picked number 45 from two lists:

"You're hurt. Please just let me heal it" & "I bought this. It's your favourite colour."

— — — — — —

There were two things you had quickly realised about Poe Dameron since joining the Resistance. 

The first is that the rumours were true. He actually is the best pilot in the galaxy, and much more humble about it than you would have expected. And the second, is that whenever the pilot used the word "fine", things were, in general, very much not fine. 

So listening to him grit out the word through clenched teeth, hammering buttons on the console in front of him as the ship groans and alarms blare around you, you already knew things were bad. Very, very bad. 

Glancing over at him, you can see sweat trickling down his brow, he's breathing hard, one hand pressed tightly against his side, the glistening of red peeking through his fingers. He'd insisted that the glancing blow from a vibro-knife during the fight that had you running back to your ship, had been nothing. He insisted it barely grazed him, and he'd be perfectly fine, but that you needed to leave now. And with the First Order hot on your tails, you hadn't had time to question it. That is, until now.

"Poe, please tell me that's not blood I'm seeing!"

"I said I'm fine," he growls in response, slamming his hand down on the controls before swinging the ship around in a way that has you almost thrown from your seat. 

"You're hurt! I need to patch that!" 

"Now is not the time to play medic when we have the first order busting in our cargo doors!" He shouts, clearly frustrated with your concern.

"Now's not the time for you to bleed out over the kriffin floor, either!" You yell back, redirecting your fire to take out a Tie creeping up on you. 

"I know that!" He snaps, swinging the ship again. "This is not good. Not good."

You can hear him mumbling to himself between stuttered breaths as he tries to get your hyperdrive back online, while simultaneously trying to evade the first order fire. You yourself are barely keeping pace with your shots, there's too many, too quick, and Poe's flying is too erratic. 

"Poe, I'm having some real trouble here," you shout over the noise, taking out another two ties, which are quickly replaced by more.  

"I just need…a few minutes." Something in his voice sounds wrong, it's quiet, barely whispered out above the blaring alarm. It sends fear shooting through you. 

Taking your eyes from the battle in front of you, you look back over at him. His movements are sluggish, and he groans leaning over the console. When he catches you looking, he shakes his head. 

"I'm fine. Just keep shooting."

You want to keep looking at him, to make sure he's still breathing at least, but trying to keep up with the enemy ships surrounding you needs all of your attention, and when the ship judders and groans under another hit, you have no choice but to concentrate on the battle. That is, until a soft series of beeps gets both your attention.

"Ok good. Hyperdrives up, mostly," the pilot nods, taking a deep breath. "It'll do what we need." 

Another round of fire glances off your shields, making the ship give a shudder of protest before you spin to take out the Tie circling you.

"Shields aren't going to…hold...much…l-longer.' His words are slurred and spaced as he tries to breathe through the pain every jolt of the ship must be causing him. Even with the little medical training you have, you know the amount of blood spreading out across his shirt, the amount of pain he's in, is not a good sign. 

"Poe?" 

"Just shoot!" He yells, making you flinch at his tone. 

Shoot. All you had to do was shoot. 

~

With a shudder the ship blips into hyperspace, taking a series of quick timed jumps, designed to throw off anyone who would try to follow you. When you finally come to the last jump, deep in the heart of dead space, you check the tracking console and let out a woot.

"We did it! I don't think they managed to follow us! Poe we-" the words die on your tongue as you glance over at the pilot. He's deathly pale, sweat making his hair curl at the ends, staring at the beeping console display with a frown. "Poe, you're not happy? Why aren't we happy?"

"I don't…it's fine. We'll be fine," his fingers continue tapping away, watching the flickering statistics scroll past. 

"Why aren't we happy?" You ask again quietly, worry creeping into your tone. Bringing your eyes back to the display, you pull up the same information he has, and your stomach drops. The shields were gone, life support was rapidly running out and worse your fuel tank had been hit. The last of your fuel had been burned up with the final jump, rendering the ship dead. 

Poe must see the look of horror on your face, and he constantly tries to reassure you in a soft, confident tone. The one he used on you when you went into your first battle and froze. The one he uses to talk to the new recruits when they get scared.

"Hey, don't worry, ok? I can-I can get a signal…out…everything will be fine."

Drawing your eyes back to the pilot, you watch as he doubles over, red seeping out over his fingers as he clutches his side, gasping in pain. You're out of your seat and at his side in seconds, trying to peel his hands away, so you can assess the situation. 

"Poe, you gotta let me look at it," you beg, kneeling down and placing your hands over his. 

"We don't… have time," he grits out, panting for breath.

"Yeah and I don't have time for you to go dying on me, ok? You're going to bleed out, and I'm not going to be the girl that let the poster boy of the resistance die!" You hold his stubborn gaze steady until he finally drops his hand away from his stomach. Letting out a soft sigh of relief, you carefully lift up his shirt to look at the wound, flinching at his hiss of pain. Your stomach gives a sickening turn as you take in the ragged slice through his side. 

"Ok, ok, so, it probably just looks worse than it is right? Sure, you're about to tell me you're fine." You force a smile to your lips as you press your hand over the wound, attempting to stem the bleeding. 

The fact he's strangely quiet is what makes you look up again. His head lolls on his chest, eyes closed, sweat dripping off his brow, breathing…but barely. 

~

"Keep still, I'm not done." You sigh as he moves for what feels like the thousandth time as you try to stitch his wound.

"It hurts!" The pilot complains, shifting again, which earns a growl of warning from you.

"Yeah, well I'm not a medical droid, so you're gonna have to put up and stop whining about it. Or shall I just let you continue to bleed out all over the cockpit? Besides, the painkillers will kick in soon enough."

He lets out another hiss of pain, and you do feel bad, really you do. If you had a med droid it would have been quicker, easier and Poe probably would have stayed asleep for it. Unfortunately for you, he'd woken with a start, ripping half the stitches out when he tried to jump out of the pilot seat, meaning you had to start over with very little medical equipment. And since then he seemed to do everything possible to make this job harder.

Pausing in your actions, you soften your approach, letting out a sigh and trying to bite down your building fear. 

"You're hurt. Please just let me heal it?"

"I'm fine," he insists with an annoyed huff, but looking him over you can still see the sheen of sweat on his skin and the stuttered way he's breathing through the pain, especially since you had to remove his shirt to patch the wound. 

"Yeah, course you are," you mutter, pushing him back down when he tries to get up. "Please don't move. I'm not a good medic, and the resistance needs you alive."

"Disagree." He lets out a hiss of pain as you put in another stitch. "Actually, bad medic part, I might agree with."

He groans as he tries to get up again, and this time when you press him down you hold your hands against his chest, pinning him in place.

"Poe, stop! I'm serious. Sit your damn ass down and let me finish this." Something in your tone seems to make him stop, gazing up at you and giving you an almost playful smile. 

"Yes ma'am," 

"Remind me never to fly with you again," you mutter to yourself, going back to fixing a medpatch and bandage over the wound. Frowning at the blood still seeping through.

Taking off your scarf, you gently try to clean up some of the blood covering his side, checking for any further injuries. Poe gently catches your wrist, holding you still as his eyebrows pull together. 

"You know that's going to get ruined? It's your favourite one."

You frown at the fact he knows that, but then the rational part of your brain kicks in. Of course he does, you wear it everywhere. It had been a gift from home, the last thing you'd taken with you when you left for the resistance, a reminder of what you would be fighting for. You're home, everyone's homes, families, loved ones.

"Yeah well, it's just material," you shrug, refusing to look up at him, "I can get a new one."

"It's not, though, is it?" He asks softly, letting you go. From the corner of your eye you see him fingering the chain around his neck, and you know he understands. Things are most often never what they appear to be. 

You stay silent, going back to cleaning him up, and he doesn't stop you again or push you for an answer, instead he lets silence settle over you for a long moment. 

"Sorry I've been a bit of a dick. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I know you're trying to help," You pause and lift your eyes to look at him, but Poe is staring at his boots.

"The state of you, I'd say you're in an immense amount of pain. If I was you, I'd have done a lot more yelling. So please don't apologise," you give him a reassuring smile, watching as his eyes flick over your face.

"Still sorry," he sighs softly. Catching your hand, he squeezes your fingers gently. "I just didn't want anything to happen to you. I just want to get you back safely."

Even though both your hands are covered in blood, and you're floating through space waiting to be blasted into stardust by the First Order, or suffocated when the life support runs out, the touch still makes your heart leap. You're fairly sure he has no idea of the crush you've been harbouring since meeting the resistance pilot, and in all honesty you're glad for that. Poe, with his good looks and reputation could have anyone he wanted, and you suspect he did. There was no need to embarrass yourself, or him, when he turned you down. 

You can't find an answer to his words, so you allow the silence to drag out for much longer than it needs to, savouring the feeling of his hand in yours. Of course, Poe wants to get you back safely. He holds himself accountable for too many deaths already, although they aren't his fault. If you died out here he'd only blame himself and that's the last thing you want. 

But you couldn't let yourself think like that. Someone would come for you and everything would be fine. There wouldn't be anymore bodies to add to his conscience today.

Letting go of his hand, you swallow hard and busy yourself clearing up the medical equipment. 

"So, Commander, how are you feeling? Let me guess, fine?" You ask, still unable to look back up at him and trying to lighten the tension threading through the cockpit. His answer is so smooth you could almost think he's had it lined up for a while now.

"Like you're just using this as an excuse to see me shirtless."

You hope he doesn't notice the way your hands fumble on the medkit at his words, or the way the heat rises to your face. Instead, you try to cover them both with a sigh and a roll of your eyes. 

"Not everyone is trying to get you naked, you know."

"I didn't say everyone. I said y-" he cuts off his own words, letting out a low whine of pain as he sits up, leaning over the console. "We gotta try and get some help or get moving before they catch up. Remind me again why we didn't bring an astromec?"

"Easy mission, in and out, non-hostile, won't need one, and BB is busy doing something for the General. I can handle this myself." 

Poe gives a huff of laughter of your impression of him, one that ends in a gasp and has his hands flying to hold his side. Your own hands automatically cover his, as though you could make any difference to the pain he's in by pressing your palm against his knuckles. 

"I'm fine, don't worry. Just don't make me laugh again," he smiles reassuringly, but you can feel his fingers trembling under yours. 

"I'm banning that word as soon as we get back. The next time you use the word fine in my presence I'll-" you pause, not sure what your actual threat would be, and it earns you a lopsided grin. 

"You'll what?"

"I'll do something terrible you won't like," you finish lamely. "Now just sit still while I see what we can do about getting a distress signal out."

~

"Fuck," the curse stutters out quietly, and he tries to cover it with a cough, but you catch the word, and the grimace of pain he tries to mask. It sends a spark of worry through you. He shouldn't still be in this much pain, not after the amount of painkillers you've dosed him with over the past hour. 

His eyes catch yours in the dim emergency lighting and despite the pain, he still manages to give you a cheeky smile. "Caught you staring. Would you rather I put my shit…urgh…shirt back on?"

"You're in pain," is your flat response, no longer even taking any notice of his lack of clothing, "can I do anything to help?"

"You can kiss me?"

The data pad you'd been holding while checking for a rescue, clatters noisily to the floor as your hands forget to work, staring at him in shock. 

"What?"

"I said you can kiss me." He wheezes out a small laugh with a grimace of pain, evidently entertained by your reaction. With a huff, you pick up the data pad, brushing down your clothes in distraction.

"Why would I do that?" 

"Because it would distract me from the pain. It's my dying wish. You have to grant it."

"You are not dying. Don't talk like that," you frown at him, your stomach twisting as you look him over. He's too pale, and all too clearly trembling from the pain.  

"Feels a lot like dying." The absolute lack of humour in his words is what worries you the most. 

Kneeling down next to him, you press the back of your hand to his forehead, fear splintering through you at the burning heat that meets your skin. Glancing down at the wound, you can see blood still slowly seeping through the bandages and your stomach lurches at the sight, well aware he shouldn't still be bleeding this much. Carefully peeling down some of the bandages, you look over the wound, taking in the black threads creeping out under his skin from the cut. It's like nothing you've ever seen before - They run like dark veins, spider webbing out across his skin, spreading further with each passing moment. You have to carefully school your expression in order to not alarm him, but Poe is the most observant person you know, and he notices even the smallest stiffen of your shoulders. 

"It's not looking good, is it?" 

"No, it's not looking good," you admit quietly, noticing he doesn't even look down for himself. 

"You know, I always thought I'd go out in battle? Pulling some heroic stunt in my X-Wing?" He sighs, leaning back in the chair and staring at the darkness through the transparisteel pane, his breathing shallow and laboured. "At least it's still out here, in the stars."

"Poe, listen, you aren't dying here. I forbid it. I order you to make it home and live a long, happy life."

He smiles, rolling his head onto his shoulder and flicking his eyes to you. It's clear the effort of holding it up is becoming too much, which only makes your heart pound harder in fear.

"I'm your boss. You don't make orders," he tries to give you a teasing grin, but he only manages a grimace. 

"I'm staging a mutiny against you. So, now I'm the boss, and I'm ordering you not to die." You hope the words come out more firmly than they feel, desperate more to keep him talking than anything else. 

"I've never been good at following orders," his lips twitch in a small smile as beads of sweat break free from his forehead, rolling down over his cheeks like tears. "I'll try, though, just for you. Need a better offer tho- fuck!" he doubles over, taking a few short shaking breaths. 

Something was wrong. Something was so terribly wrong, and you have no idea what to do, how to help. You can feel tears pricking your eyes, helplessly pressing your hands over his.

Glancing down, your heart drops into your stomach as the SOS signal still pinging away on the datapad shows nothing, no incoming ships, no planets or moons, just the empty vastness of space and the quickly running out life support. 

Poe was going to die out here. And soon after you would too. How poetic to die with the man you fell for, before you ever had the courage to tell him. Far from romantic like in the holovids you only feel a bitter disappointment of time stolen from you, and the sharp tang of fear on your tongue.  

Poe goes quiet so suddenly that you think he's already gone, his eyes drifting shut, sweat dripping off him, his breathing barely there. Jumping into action, you grab his shoulders.

"Hey no, no, no sleeping. Stay awake, ok? Poe, stay awake," you desperately shake him until his eyes open a little, blinking blearily at you as though he can't see you properly. "I'll make you a better deal, ok? How about, you stay awake and make it home alive, and then I'll kiss you. I promise. But you gotta get home alive first," you warn him, reaching up to brush his damp curls away from his forehead.

Poe affords you a small, exhausted smile, his eyes half lidded and glazed. 

"I always liked you, you know? Bit disappointed…I won't…be able to…accept that…deal," his sentence is broken between gasped breaths and fear tightens painfully in your chest. 

You shush him softly, shaking your head. 

"You're going to be fine, ok? You're fine. You're always fine." Grabbing his hand, you hold it tightly in yours, feeling the tears you'd been holding back break free, rolling down your cheeks as you whisper.

Poe doesn't even attempt to squeeze your fingers, his hand stays limp in yours as you desperately bite back sobs of fear. "I promise I'll kiss you when we get back. I promise you can have anything you like. Just don't die on me, ok?"

"Don't cry…I'll…be fine," he chokes out. He lifts as hand, as though he would brush the tears from your cheeks but it never makes it that far up, it drops limp to his side as his eyes roll back in his head, his breathing stutters, and silence engulfs the ship. 

~

You sit back in your chair, stretching out your sore muscles, staring at the words on your report. They told you there was nothing you could have done. The blade had been tipped with poison and it was spreading fast through the pilot's veins, each beat of his heart pushed him closer to death. The medical training you had, the supplies on the ship, none of it was equipped to deal with something like that. No, you did everything you could. You couldn't have done anything more, or at least that's what they tell you. 

It had felt like days sitting in silence, Poe's hand growing colder in yours, the only noise the warning beep of the failing life support. No matter how hard you tried to wake him, he wouldn't even stir. Dizzy from the lack of oxygen, you'd laid your head against his thigh, squeezing his cold hand as you waited for your own demise. You were grateful for the dim lighting then. It meant you didn't have to look, you didn't have to see if his breathing had stopped.

The image of Poe motionless, his head lolling to one side, as they carried him onto the rescue ship, had haunted your dreams for weeks. He was no longer the effervescent pilot, no longer full of life, teasing and commanding. The last image you had of him was a broken doll, limp and lifeless. 

You can kiss me?

His words ring out so clear in the room it's almost as though he was standing beside you, with the playful smirk he always seems to have around you, dancing in his lips. 

Maker, you missed him. 

You'd gotten used to his presence in your life — the easy friendship and banter, the way he never made you feel like less, even though you're the least experienced pilot he's ever had in his squadron. You miss his laughter that happens at the most inappropriate times. You miss him distracting you on purpose when you're trying to concentrate. You even missed him being snappy and grumpy when he was tired. You missed him so much more than you could have imagined. 

With a sniff, you hastily wipe your eyes. It was no good dwelling on what already happened. 

"No point crying over spilt caf. Just get another cup," Poe would often tell you brightly when things went wrong. 

Taking a deep breath, you go back to the report, determined to finish it in the hopes that once it was done, you'd never have to think on that day again. That's the reason you'd come here, all the way at the edge of the base, to the abandoned part, filled with empty rooms full of dust, to finish this damn report in peace. But even as your fingers hover over the keys to start typing, a hesitant knock on the door stops you. 

With a groan of annoyance, you push the chair away from the desk, standing up on stiff legs that have been sitting too long and don't want to move. It’s a surprise that anyone has even come this far down the base, let alone appears to be purposely coming to find you. 

Pressing your hand to the door panel it slides open with a soft woosh, revealing a head of messy curls, an impish grin and a pilot who should, to your knowledge, still be laid up in medical recovering for at least another couple of weeks.

"Poe! You're out!"

"Yeah, I escaped my captors, and I'm on the run! So I probably don't have long before they drag me back. Did you miss me?" He grins in an all too familiar way, as though you haven't been separated for weeks. "I've been looking for you for ages. Why are you here? Nobody uses this room anymore. Meeting up with a secret lover?" He pokes his head into the small room you've been using to work in, confirming that it's empty, as though you might have been hiding someone inside.  

You blink in shock a few times, still surprised he's standing in front of you, when the nurses had exasperatedly told you for the tenth time, that his recovery would take at least a few more weeks. He didn't yet have his full strength, nothing had changed since yesterday and no you were absolutely not allowed to visit him. But the grinning man standing in the doorway, albeit a little less put together than he usually would be with his crumpled untucked shirt, tired eyes and messy hair, seems like he's perfectly fine. 

"So, what are you doing?" He asks again, raising an eyebrow when you fail to answer his questions. 

"Oh, I just needed somewhere quiet to finish some reports, you know, about what happened. And I guess I'm hiding a bit," you shrug, shuffling your feet, suddenly awkward in his presence after weeks of not being allowed to see him. "People keep asking me what happened, how you are, if I've seen you, blah blah. I swear, if I have to hear one more girl simper at the fact you got hurt, I might defect to the First Order just to save my sanity. How are you feeling?"

"Me? I'm fine, and I can't help being popular," he grins with an easy shrug. "Can you tell me who's been asking though? I'm hoping one person in particular might have been enquiring after me?"

You frown at him, trying to bury the spark of hurt at the comment. It isn't Poe's fault you have feelings he doesn't know about. But even so, your answer comes out snappier than you mean. 

"Go ask them yourself instead of bothering me."

Poe raises both eyebrows this time at your tone, but there's still a hint of a smile on his lips as he shrugs. 

"Alright, I will. In fact, I'll go ask them right now." He spins on his heel and walks two steps, barely giving you time to feel the stab of hurt in your chest, before he turns back around to face you. "Oh, hey, there you are! I just wanted to ask if you have been enquiring about me and my wellbeing since I almost died?"

"What are you doing?" You sigh with a shake of your head, your demeanour softening as he walks back to you. 

"Asking the only person on base I care about, at least in a ‘I’ve fallen head over heels for you’ sort of way, if they asked about me while I was recovering?"

You flounder, opening your mouth and closing it again as he grins. Heat floods through every inch of your skin, and you're sure your expression is one of absolute shock.

"No? And here I thought they were upset and worried about me. Frankly, I'm a bit offended now because they made me a promise. And you know, promises made on people's death beds you have to keep. It's the law." He stares at you seriously, his expression almost grave but it's not hard to see him fighting back a smile.

You have to fight to keep your breathing steady, your stomach plunging down to your feet at his words. Part of you had perhaps hoped that he hadn't heard you say that, that maybe he'd be too out of it by then to remember it, that maybe the trauma had wiped it from his mind. Or, at the very least, he would have taken it as a joke. Now you can't tell now if he's using it to tease you, or he's actually serious. 

"If I remember right," he pauses, tapping his chin with his index finger as he pretends to think, "I think you might have said I could have anything I wanted if we got home? Sound about right?" He raises an eyebrow at you as he watches you squirm in embarrassment. 

"I-I…well… it was a stressful situation…" you stutter, heat prickling out across your skin, "I just…wanted to make sure you got home…and…I-I just…you know, said stuff to keep you awake."

His expression softens as you trail off, gesturing wildly and trying to defend your words. 

"Oh, so you don't want to kiss me?" He tilts his head, regarding you standing frozen, still trying to process exactly what he's trying to tell you. "Listen, I'm an idiot. I should have told you this a long time ago. I know you like me. You're terrible at hiding it. But," he pauses with a sigh, running a hand through his hair, "I always thought you would make a move if it's what you wanted. But then out there, when you made that promise, I thought maybe… maybe you do want me as much as I want you?"

You could kiss me?

His words come back from the ship in stark clarity. You had assumed he was joking, trying to lighten the mood and tease you. But now you realise he was serious. He was asking for something he thought he couldn't ever have, because it was his last chance to do it.

A whole storm of emotions rise up quickly and overwhelmingly, the biggest being the regret that you hadn't listened, not truly listened. Not just that day on the ship, but always. The more you think about it, the more opportunities you know he's given you to say something, anything, about your feelings, and you'd let them pass by. 

Taking a deep breath, you meet his questioning gaze. 

"Well…I did promise you anything you wanted if you got home," you finally answer quietly. 

The pilot pauses for just a moment, swallowing almost nervously as though he had expected your rejection, before he nods solemnly, taking a step closer to you. Bringing his hand up to rest against the side of your neck, he rubs his thumb across your cheek before down to softly trace your bottom lip. 

"You did," he replies softly, as your breath catches at his touch.

"And it was your dying wish," you continue, your heart hammering against your ribs in anticipation.

"It was," he whispers, leaning into you and bringing his lips a breath away from yours, allowing his soft curls to brush against your forehead. The blood roars in your ears, deafeningly loud and you wonder if he can feel the heat currently blazing out across your skin. 

"And you're sure you're in your right mind?"

"I am," he answers, and you catch the flicker of a smile before he presses his lips to yours.

It's nothing like what you imagined kissing him to be like. He's sweetly tender — first the slightest brush of his lips against yours before placing gentle kisses to your top and bottom lip. Only when you relax — the tension you hadn't realised you were holding dropping from your shoulders — does he sweep his tongue across your lower lip, deepening the kiss. His tongue slides against your own, carefully slow, as though he has all the time in the world to map each part of your mouth. 

You can't help but allow a soft moan to escape as he kisses you, and your reaction seems to be the signal he needs, because he stops holding back. 

His arm wraps around your waist, pulling you close against him as his tongue battles yours with ravenous desire. Your hands tangle in his hair, kissing him back with as much desperate passion as he was giving you. 

The way he kisses you is all consuming, wiping away thoughts of anything else that exists in the galaxy. You hardly notice the way he backs you up into the room, without ever breaking your kiss. 

He doesn't pause until your legs hit the back of the desk. Only then does he pull away from you, taking your lower lip in his teeth and tugging gently. You let out a somewhat shaky breath, having only a moment to breathe before his mouth crashes into yours again, kissing you as though he's been starved of touch for years, not just a few weeks. 

When you eventually break apart, giddy with excitement and breathing heavily, he continues to steal quick kisses from you, keeping you pressed close against him.  

"Stars," he breathes softly, leaning his forehead against yours, as you bite your lip shyly, still trying to process the fact he kissed you, and like that. "Yeah, that was absolutely worth almost dying for."

"Yeah, maybe take out the near death experience next time though?" You laugh breathlessly, allowing your eyes to flicker closed as you enjoy the moment, trying to calm your heart to a normal speed again. Maker, there's no way you'll survive if he kisses you like that again.

"Do you mind if I sit down for a second?" He asks suddenly. Blinking yourself out of your kiss hazed daze, you notice how pale he's become, and you have a sudden stab of anxiety. It's a stark reminder that he's still not well and should be resting. 

"Yeah, come on."

He doesn't walk like he needs your help, but he allows you to support him as you lead him around the other side of the desk to sit down in the chair. "This is why you were supposed to stay in medical."

"I'm useless sitting there, though," he complains. "They won't let me have visitors, they won't let me do any work. Apparently I'm too likely to tire myself out if I leave. Like they know," he scoffs with a roll of his eyes.

That at least makes your frown soften just a little. Imagining Poe confined to a small corridor of rooms was difficult, given his chaotic nature. 

"You kiss a someone and you go weak at the knees. I think maybe you should be listening to people who know better?"

"I think that was because I had to look everywhere for you while evading capture," He complains, giving you a pointed look as though it's your fault. "I can't be cooped up in there any longer. I'd rather spend as much time as I can with you until they track me down. I've sent BB to tell them I'll be back later anyway," he grins proudly at his own plan to evade medical care, making you roll your eyes. "Let me do something useful, please."

"Poe," you start gently, leaning back on the desk, but he knows what's coming and gives you a pleading look, making you stop your lecture and sigh. "Fine, just tell me honestly how you're feeling now?"

"Really I'm fi-" 

One glare from you stops him in his tracks. He gives you a small nod, remembering that the word is banned between you now.

"I feel like I could sleep for a month and still be tired," he sighs honestly, leaning back in the chair to stare at the ceiling, "I mean I feel like that all the time now. It's getting better but it's taking too long. I feel trapped. I need to be doing something to help. I can't just lie down all day and let everyone else do all the work."

His frustration is evident, and it makes your heart ache for him. You know this is Poe's worst nightmare, having to sit back and watch, unable to do anything to help. Pushing yourself off the desk, you instead stand between his legs, gently brushing your hands through his soft curls as he looks up at you. 

"You did almost die. You just gotta take it easy for a little while. You'll be back in your X-Wing flying circles around everyone in no time." Leaning over, you hug him tightly, feeling his arms slide around your waist as he buries his face in your neck. "They said you'll be better soon. Just be patient with them, they are doing their job."

He sighs softly, squeezing you hard before he lets you go. Sitting back down on the edge of the desk, you look him over as he talks, glad the colour seems to be returning to his cheeks. 

"I know. I'll go back later. But will you please let me stay for a couple of hours? I'll be fi-alright now, I promise. It just comes and goes when I overexert myself."

"Well then I guess kissing is off the cards for the rest of the day," you smile, and he gives you an unimpressed look. "Hey, you said you wanted to help. Kissing me is not helping anyone."

"It helps me," he grins. "Besides, I deserve them. I came bearing gifts!"

He fishes around in his jacket pockets, eventually slowly pulling out a length of material and placing it in your hands, his gaze hopeful and wide as you look it over. You run your fingers across the soft fabric, watching the lights catching the colour as it slips through your fingers.

"I bought this for you. It's your favourite colour, right? I know it doesn't replace the one I ruined, but still. It's a sort of thank you for saving my life. But you know if you don't like it…" he trails off, watching your expression. 

He knew your favourite colour. Your heart swells, and your fingers tighten in the scarf, stopping yourself from throwing your arms around him, purely from fear the sudden movement might hurt him. 

"I love it. It's honestly perfect. Thank you, Poe." Leaning over again you brush your lips sweetly against his as his eyes light up with relief. 

"Wish I could take credit for anything but the colour," he smiles sheepishly. "I had to send Karè out with instructions because they wouldn't let me leave medical."

You lean back against the desk as he stands up holding his hands out for the scarf.

"Can I?" 

Nodding, you hand it back to him, allowing him to carefully wrap it around your neck, his thumbs brushing softly against the edges of your jaw as he does. You wrap your arms around him as he leans into you, brushing his nose against yours, barely allowing his lips to ghost over yours, sweetly teasing you until you pout. With a soft laugh at your reaction he finally kisses you properly, with an intensity that makes your own knees go weak. 

By the time you pull away, you're breathless, and the room is far too warm once more. 

"If you keep kissing me like that, I'll end up in medical with you," you giggle before you pause, pulling back to look at him suspiciously. "Maybe I'm already in medical? This is just a really good dream, isn't it?"

Poe laughs softly and shakes his head.

"I really hope not, but if you do wake up, I'll kiss you again and remind you just how much I like you."

You roll your eyes and shake your head, "Ok being sweet is not going to stop me sending you back to bed."

He grins, knowing he's been caught out. 

"How about we make a new deal? I’ll sit here with you, and I'll be very good and quiet, and then when you’re done with your reports I'll go back to medical for the night?” He gives you a soft kiss, and you're sure its purely in distraction.

“I feel like there’s a but coming,” you raise an eyebrow at him, and there's a look of absolute mischief shining in his eyes. 

"But you have to sit on my lap,”

Maker, he was going to be a nightmare this entire recovery.

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[the-little-ewok]

if all you did in 2024 was endure and survive, just know that i'm very fucking proud of you and you did a really good job.

[the-little-ewok]

Oscar Isaac as Poe Dameron in The Rise of Skywalker

[the-little-ewok]

Ending 2024 the way I started it - with Astarion 🎨

[the-little-ewok]

To those of you lovely people who are celebrating the New Year today: May it be wonderful and amazing and kind to you, full of love and light and happiness and all of your favourite things in the universe 🥰

[the-little-ewok]

I love trope subversion, but I also love trope “no, this instead.”

Take Alastor. He shows up, you figure he’s gonna betray the gang at some point. Then we get to the mid-season and he has that hilarious “no I’M her dad!” song with Lucifer and you think, “oh, is the twist that he’s actually a sweetheart?”

Nope. He’s a psychopath. He just likes these people! He’s a morally reprehensible character who also loves Charlie. Love that. Love when it’s not clear cut. What a weird little dude

[the-little-ewok]

[the-little-ewok]

Happy holidays and a merry Christmas to all of you who celebrate ❤️❤️❤️

[the-little-ewok]

PEDRO PASCAL as GENERAL ACACIUS Gladiator II (2024), dir. Ridley Scott