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the-kill-switch · 1 year

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001: The Difference Between Prayer and Mercy is How You Move Your Tongue

TW // Internalized homophobia , mention of physical abuse , mention of self-harm , mention of inappropriate behavior

Paschalis Milan, a child of Italian soil born to Korean parents, bore a name intricately linked to the bustling city of Milan. His parents ensured that he was baptized, christening him with the name Paschal, a tribute to Saint Paschal.

From the earliest years of his life, Milan was steeped in Catholic beliefs, and his education took place within the hallowed halls of a Catholic school. His faith bloomed naturally, leading him to become a devout Catholic. By the time he reached junior high school, he had devoured the entire Bible, effortlessly citing verses. He took up a leadership role in the local youth Catholic community, never missing a Sunday mass, and became a beloved figure among his peers. His kindness, wisdom, and inspiration touched the lives of many.

Yet, the tides of change began to stir in his senior year of high school. Milan found himself drawn to a classmate in a way he'd never experienced before. An attraction that he desperately tried to suppress, for he had been taught that such feelings towards the same sex were not only wrong but sinful. He also harbored unease with the increasing visibility of the gay community, believing it was contributing to a world in moral decay.

Despite his efforts to deny his feelings, they persisted and grew stronger. Nights turned restless as he grappled with emotions that seemed to defy the faith he held dear. Milan would pray, begging for mercy and forgiveness, but the heavens remained silent. To avoid this boy, he withdrew from school and locked himself away, arousing suspicion in his parents. In a moment of desperation, he turned to them for help, only to endure physical abuse and blame.

“Why did God allow these feelings to consume me if He didn't want His children to suffer?" Milan agonized. This traumatic experience marked the first and last time he’d open up about his feelings to his family, as he was forcibly dragged to church to confess his perceived sins. His confession, tearful and nauseating, led him to convince himself that he was no longer in love with his friend, though a trace of affection lingered in a corner of his heart.

Milan, in an attempt to move on with life, met a young woman while he was in college. This attraction caused him to question his sexuality, wondering why he had previously felt drawn to men. He secretly pursued the relationship, finding physical intimacy as comfort, but it only caused him guilt and shame. His Christian upbringing held purity and chastity as important values, which he now felt guilty about breaking.

Once more, his world spiraled. He dared not confide in his parents, given their traumatic response. Instead, he resorted to self-harm, using pain to keep himself in check, lest he commit what he considered the gravest of sins again.

Instead of feeling liberated, Milan was plagued by an internal conflict that questioned his beliefs, values, and worth. The allure of sin and ecstasy was strong, calling him, a sensation he had rarely experienced during his years as a devout Catholic. He yearned for something more, a taste of the forbidden pleasure and joy.

He discovered that the rigid confines of his faith had left him longing for the freedom he had never known. He now often found his thoughts becoming increasingly lustful and scandalous during Sunday masses. Rather than whispering prayers in a state of devotion, he was now preoccupied with fantasies of pleasuring someone else with his tongue intimately, while they begged him for mercy.

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