the-eloquent-depths

[the-eloquent-depths]

I said I’d never love again. I did. Not in the way I expected but I still adore you. I said I’d never be with someone who smoked but now I smell cigarettes and miss you. I said I’d never be with someone who snores but they put me to sleep. I said I’d never tell anyone about the real me but you make me feel safe. I said I’d never do this, I was going to fall in love with myself first but you love me enough for both of us. You accept my break downs, my insecurities, my trauma, my anxiety, my depression. And I accept you. And I’m scared because you’re so lovely. But I don’t want to look back at this time however long it will be and only remember how scared I was, and not the love, the honesty, the instant connection, the lust, the synchronicity, the adoration. Enjoy my love. Don’t be scared, embrace this blessing and let go of all that holds you back. You deserve this. You deserve his love. You deserve him.

[the-eloquent-depths]

I think what I actually want is to live with my friends, and for us to not focus on lovers but our careers and our dreams and doing dumb shit together and keeping secrets and playing games and talking all night. That’s what I want. More than anything. A family. A family that won’t leave because friendship is forever, the love never dies, and I want that more than anything.

[the-eloquent-depths]

The real truth is, is that no one would care or notice if I died. I think that’s why I’m so fucked up. I’ve pushed anyone that would care away with my problems and my clingyness and I just feel numb to everything days need into each other and I hoped that he would care and notice my existence but he left like all the rest and now I think I’m in love with someone on the other side of the planet and I think it’s just because he might be the only one that might be able to love me but he knows how broken I am and I could never do or say anything but I feel so incomplete

[the-eloquent-depths]

Hi. I'm k. I have anxiety, depression and BPD and sometimes I think I'm actually insane. not cute quirky insane, but paranoid, out of touch with reality, of my mind insane. I love sex. I love pain. I like when the 2 combines. I don't like love or relationships right now and I'm poor. I live in a studio I can't afford and only have 3 friends. I don't do much except look for work, work, masturbate, and consume easily digestible entertainment. I love girls but I fear them, and I hate boys but I lust them. I don't do family or phone calls and I'm vegetarian. witchcraft intrigues me but my mind tells me its all lies and coincidence.i moved around a lot, exactly 8 times in the past 4 years. I used to pretend to be the cool girl, unfeeling, casual, obsessed with sex, no commitment, and now I've turned into the same girl, except she isn't cool, shes just lost. 

my ideal life would be a world where I'm in control. where I create habits but can still quench my never-ending thirst for change. I would work full time in an industry where each day is different and the days never drag on because I am stimulated. I go to the gym. I'm vegan. I'm beautiful. I have a partner but were not exclusive. we love and we are together but we take other lovers together and apart. and I am fine with this. I don't worry about infidelity or lies or secrecy. I have plenty of money but not an abhorrent amount and if I do I give to charities and those in need and I take in lots of pets from shelters and I can give them the best life I can and we are happy. I spend wisely and I am trendy. I am covered in tattoos and piercings and my lips are as full as my heart. I have lots of friends and we travel and go to sex clubs and strip clubs and go scuba diving and parasailing and we do brunch every Sunday morning. I have forgotten all the trauma, all the deceit and lies, all the people who fucked me up and over and I am better for it. 

I'm not sure if ill ever makes it there but a girl can dream while she's locked in her apartment with no money and an empty heart, soul and mind. all she has is dreams and memories, and she's done swimming in the past. 

[the-eloquent-depths]

she isnt replying shes in on the joke shes laughing at me it was all fake i dont want to trust her but what choice do i have shes never like this shes usually pretty good why is she ignoring me he likes her he likes her more now she has both of them and theyre all laughing at me fuck why am i like this i cant stand this if this is what life is its torture theyre all laughing at me im the joke all of them are laughing im pathetic im i lair im a bitch im not worthy im scum im worse than shit im a stain on everyones lives i need to dissappear but the will is weak and the heart is willing to carry on until i cant do it anymore and i fade into the dust fuck i hate this i wish i had drugs

[the-eloquent-depths]

im fucking spiralling im happy for .2 seconds nd now no one wants to talk to me and i keep making mistakes and no one likes me any more flo isnt replying i did something to upset her i did something stupid i have lost everything i hate this i hate me i hate that things affect me so badly i hate that im so sensitive i hate life i hate my brain i hate my heart i hate my temper i hate my luck i try to have faith in the universe but i keep getting fucked over and im sick of being left in the dust im losing money i have no relationship i have no friends i have no family i just wnat to sleep but i cant even do that i hate spiralling i hate the sun i hate celebrities i hate people i wish i was a hummingbird or a duck or a tortise or a seahorse andthying but this please

[the-eloquent-depths]

I was happy for 24 hours. becuase of a dumb ass boy. now im back to being fucking pathetic. Fuck it

[the-eloquent-depths]

no one is ever gonna take me on a date. every time it comes close something happens. He never took me out as a special event, it was just “let's go get food. no dressing up, no gentlemanly touches, just going and doing. Then the next one never asked me. I hint and I hint and nothing. The next 2 ask me but I say no because one is toxic and one was in love with me and I didn't reciprocate. then the next one couldn't get to Brisbane, but wanted to and finally, the latest one speaks of dates, does research for the date, yet ghosts me for no reason. A tip, boys, if youre overly affectionate and sweet to a girl shes gonna think you like her. if you dont, just be nice, dont lead her on to the idea that she will be taken out and made to feel special for once. i let my guard down for one night, and let him carry the conversation once and this is what happens. im just gonna stay single forever and just mildly flirt with J until i die bc he’s not gonna ever want me either so fuck me y’know?

[the-eloquent-depths]

Inside out // Soccer Mommy

[the-eloquent-depths]

i want to move. i need change. but the only place i wanna move to is full of my high school friends and my life sucks now and my ex is there and i dont ever want to see him again bc he makes me physically ill in every interpretation of the word and i wanted to move there first and i wish i claimed it but it was so far away and such a big change in an already huge change in life. he stole from me. he stole my heart, my mind, my city, my friends, my dreams, my soul, my will to live, my strength and i wish i never met him i wish he moved countries so he was far away and i feel like everyone is leaving me and growing and im still small and fragile and i wish i was big and strong and confident and fuckable and had a working brain and no trauma and money and success and all the things he took from me 

[the-eloquent-depths]

I am fated to die young. My brain is slowing, my heart is tired, my body is weak. I’m running out of money, my rent is abhorrent, I'm getting no shifts, no prospects of a full-time position, only one friend, no lovers, no interests, no family. If February doesnt work out, Im killing myself. theres no other way. I’ll be homeless, ill lose my friends, my job, my sanity. Might as well nip it in the bud

[the-eloquent-depths]

I miss being in love sometimes. Not all the time, but at times like when I watch call me by your name I crave that intimacy where all you do is give and you get butterflies and you get turned on just by one look and you can’t stop touching and kissing and holding and loving together and doing dumb risky shit together and making memories and having sex and fucking and making love and oral and getting each other off and tempting and just knowing that someone in this fucked up world has your back. I want that again and this time I’m going to make it work.

[the-eloquent-depths]

before you found someone else, did you wonder if you were ever going to love again? If you'd ever find someone, if you'd have the strength to give yourself up to vulnerability all over again, risking, nay surrendering yourself to almost certain heartbreak again. Did you think telling your stories and trauma to another soul was worth it? did you believe that you could love again, in such ferocity and wholeness like when you were 16? did you ever believe that it could or would be better, or did you fear that the first time was the pinnacle, that that first love was your peak and that every consequential love that followed would forever have to live in the shadow of your high school sweetheart? did you give up on monogamy, on dating, on love, on children because all of that was too real, too serious, and the last time you were serious and told them you wanted a family together, 3 weeks later you were apart and hated each other? how does that happen? how does the heart allow it, the brain allow it, the soul allow it? before you found her, did you still have a tiny shred of hope that one day we would reunite and everything would continue and all would be forgotten and forgiven and we would both agree that we never loved another, kissed another, even though all were lies, but they would be the most beautiful of lies? Did you only think of this, have hope in this unlikely scenario because the utter surrender of new love was terrifying and that familiarity was the easiest route out of spiralling into becoming a loveless hermit full of suicidal ideation and mental illness. 

[the-eloquent-depths]

im giving myself 6 months, if i cant get my shit together and just be fucking happy, i end it. and ill rent a house with somewhere where i can hang myself. no mess, no one intruding, as clean and easy as it can be

[the-eloquent-depths]

Fuck you and her and him and him and the rest of them, wasting my fucking time, making me think they cared about me. I don’t even think my best friend cares about me. But when I said I hated myself and that I was ugly he wouldn’t stop holding me and I didn’t know why but it made me uncomfortable bc I can’t let anyone close to me or show affection without getting suspicious but he kept hugging me and making me laugh and kissed my head so fuck everyone else who said they cared, they didn’t. He did

[the-eloquent-depths]

the only thing that makes me sad is you

[the-eloquent-depths]