the-antiproduct-blog

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We honestly can’t imagine who would win in this epic Avengers and One Punch Man crossover battle.

“Saitama vs Thanos” by RoBs0n.

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I relate to this

you guys i think i have a problem

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im practicing drawing Sir Crocodile

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Get ready for this beefy boy

Here’s the beefy boy.

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listening to no good deed and thank goodness on repeat put me in a mood

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Gather 'round y'all. I've quite a tale to tell.

It all started when our DM introduced a group of Card-Master type NPCs. They would throw cards at us which would have random magical effects. He decided beforehand that the leader had 2% chance of dropping a Deck of Many Things. Guess what? He rolled it. At the time, I was playing a Halfling Master Thrower by the name of Katarin, a character who will always have a special place in my heart. Katarin was a no-nonsense Lawful Neutral military officer from Yllarum, a desert city with a booming economy (this was a homebrew setting, by the way). Also in the party was Gully Teach, a vagabond deadpan snarking Human Swashbuckler/Dread Pirate whose biggest goal in life (as far as I could tell) was to finally obtain his own ship and crew and be a famous scourge of the seas. Gully and Katarin are the two most important characters in this story, and in general they were the two highest respected in the group. There was also Throng, The Half-Orc Barbarian, Lloyd, The Human Duskblade, and Marris, The Human Ranger. There was an Assassin too, but I don't remember his name and he didn't have too much of an influence on the story. My tale begins when party was roughly level 6 or 7. We had just successfully managed to stop a war from starting between humans and dwarves, and we were on our way to explain the situation to the Dwarven king in the city of Gundermount. Gully had attempted to buy a ship at a human port town along the way, but he got himself gypped out of his money buy a couple of less-than-savory types. In our effort to recover the stolen gold, we ran into the aforementioned card-throwing gnomes with Brooklyn accents. It ended up being an easy fight. After mopping them up, I looted one of the bodies and found a deck of cards in a box, upon which was written something to the effect of "The Fate of Us All" in Gnomish. I didn't think that much of it because I had never encountered or read about a Deck of Many Things, neither in nor out of character, so I simply put it in my bag to inspect later. Once we'd all settled down for the night however, Gully Teach saw Katarin handling the deck and flips his stack. Apparently he knows what it is. After choking out a quick explanation of how major the find was, he begs to be the first one to draw from it. We concede. Gully draws three cards. I don't recall what the later two were (they were something minor like getting a few thousand gp in gems), but the first card Gully drew was the Moon. He got four wishes. He wished for one million gold, to be famous, to be more dextrous, and for "a ship that cannot be pierced by any means". He ended rolling a reflex save to avoid getting crushed by the gold, but he got it. He got a +4 racial bonus to dex, but he also grew a monkey tail. He also got an adamantine Ironclad ship, and everyone knew his name. Then Katarin (me) draws. Not really liking to take chances, he goes for only one card. He draws the Star, and gets himself a +2 to dex. Throng and Lloyd weren't there at that point and time (their players were gone and their characters were doing something else), leaving only Marris. She drew the card that summoned a CR 17-something dread wraith. It looked as though our luck had run out at this point, but Marris had been holding on to a modified version of an Arrow of Slaying for the past three levels. It just so happened that Marris had a deep running hatred for the undead, so naturally her arrow was attuned to destroy them. It also just so happened that the wraith had an abysmal fort save, so she killed it in one shot. The DM rewarded her with enough experience to boost her (and even Gully and I for some reason) up a level. So far everything about this situation had been one-in-a-million, but it gets even worse. The DM had ruled that instead of only being allowed to draw once from the Deck, he would allow us to draw once per week. This eventually proved to be more of a curse than a boon. Our DM's policy when it comes to wishes was that he'll let you get away with a lot, but he'll also screw with the wish if you ask for too much. It was dangerous business. But Gully hadn't had enough. We ended up having to find someone to teleport us the rest of the way to Gundermount, because we didn't have the crew or knowledge to actually pilot the ironclad. Upon reaching the Dwarven city, our party went on a MASSIVE shopping spree. The power-scale of the game had skyrocketed ridiculously. Throng rejoined us and drew from the Deck. I had been joking for the past week that when Throng drew, he would die, due to the fact that he was at times ridiculously unlucky and it often put him in ridiculous situations (in and out of character). Sure enough, he drew the Void. Throng was gone, just like that. A week went by as we took a rest, and as the dwarves celebrated the news that there would be no war. Gully eagerly drew from the deck again as soon as possible. The rest of the party abstained for the time being. I had all but made up my mind to never draw again after what happened to Throng. Luck smiled on Gully Teach, however, because right then and there he drew another Moon, this time with two wishes. Gully wishes for his ship to be capable of flight and underwater submersion (a suggestion I had made earlier in the week), and also wishes for "the ability to regenerate from any wound" (by which he meant Fast Healing). This is when the DM struck first. Gully was transformed into some sort of small-sized sea nymph in a glass bowl, who had Fast Healing 40, but he also couldn't survive outside of the water in the bowl. Gully was nonplussed. So it got even messier. Gully sought out the most powerful wizard in the Dwarven city, and paid a ridiculous sum of gold for a casting of Wish. He wished to go back in time to the point right before he'd made the wish that had turned him into what was effectively a goldfish. He then changed his previous wish to a wish for a powerful and loyal crew that was capable of expertly piloting his ship. Thus, he was no longer a sea creature, and he now had a crew. We hadn't actually gone back to the ship since Gully had made those wishes, but when we did, we found a group of 20 blue large size lizard-like creatures bustling about the ship, performing maintenance and other such tasks. Upon seeing our swashbuckling party member, they all abruptly came to attention. They all shouted simultaneously, "HAIL GULLY TEACH! THE BATTLE-TITAN BRIGADE IS AT YOUR SERVICE." It was at about this time that the game could truly be said to have become ridiculous. It was also about the time where Katarin lost his place as highest authority in the party and the campaign became more about pursuing the wild whims of Gully Teach, the eccentric millionaire pirate in his flying submarine of a ship. I don't know why or how they called themselves the Battle-Titan Brigade, why they were lizards, or why they could speak. I figured it was a reference that I still have yet to discover the source of. But nevertheless, these lizards were impeccably loyal to Gully, and the manned the ship expertly, not to mention they were handy in a fight. They also appeared to share some sort of hivemind. Suffice to say, they were odd. Upon starting up the engines, we found that the ship had a pathetic speed of 20 ft. Irritated, Gully went back into town, purchased another wish, went back in time again, and modified his wish such that it would allow for his ship to be faster. When Gully returned to his ship this time, the Battle-Titan Brigade was still there, but the ironclad had become an animatronic Gargantuan Blue Wyrm, another one of the DM's twists, perhaps based off something in the way he had worded the wish. It could fly and swim at 120 ft. speed however, so Gully didn't seem to mind. Also at about this time, Lloyd the Duskblade rejoined us and we offered him a shot at the Deck. He cautiously accepted, and recieved a Sunblade and his own private castle appeared on a deserted island (which he inherently knew the location of). The party decided to check it out. So finally, with at least half of the million gold spent, we set a course for that island. That's when are troubles began in earnest. We were flying over the ocean, when an Old (28 HD) Red Dragon came soaring in from out of nowhere, roaring with rage. Keep in mind, we were level 7. We pretty much panicked as Gully ordered to submerge the ship, and we dove a hundred or so feet underwater (it's maximum depth wasn't very impressive). This waylaid the red dragon for a moment, though it was obviously after the ship for some reason. "GULLY TEACH!" The dragon roared loud enough to make us roll fort saves vs deafness. "YOU STEAL FROM MY HOARD AND NOW YOU'VE USED MY GOLD TO CONSTRUCT THAT?" He was referring to the Blue Wyrm Ship. Red dragons don't like blue dragons. Unforunately it didn't have the stats of an actual Blue Wyrm, and it indignantly told us so when we asked if it could fight the dragon. The realization hit us like a ton of bricks. That million gold had come from this dragon's hoard. Gully's famousness wish had made it so that everyone knew his name and what he was doing. Putting 2 and 2 together, it meant that we were completely trapped. To make matters even worse, the fact that the ship was now a construct that looked like a blue dragon made it look as though Gully was mocking the red dragon. It followed us from above the surface of the water wherever we went, demanding that we resurface and face its wrath. Desperately, we all looked to the Deck. Gully had already drawn this week, but three of the party members had not. Maybe, just maybe one of us could draw the Moon or some other card that would help us escape this situation. This was when the deck really started to screw with us. Marris drew and had her alignment changed to Lawful Neutral. The assassin (whose name I don't recall) drew and received a level 4 fighter cohort, who he then instructed to keep drawing from the deck until he got the moon. He only got three cards in before drawing the Void and dying. He did, however, get a Luckblade, which just so happened to have zero wishes still in it. Lloyd drew and also got a cohort, to which he gave the same command. He drew some sort of magical item, followed by the Queen of Pentacles (destroy all magic items), followed then by yet another Void. Katarin had to make a choice at this point. He felt no real responsibility for this situation, despite the fact that he had used some of Gully's gold. Katarin had barely agreed to draw one card at the beginning, and after seeing Throng die, he had all but sworn off it. He knew that repeated drawing could bring great benefit, but he also saw that the law of averages said that one day it would kill him. Katarin also had a Cloak of the Manta Ray on hand, so while none of the other characters could escape underwater, he could easily just step outside, become a manta ray, and get away from whole situation, and he was dangerously close to doing so. But here was the whole party begging him to draw at least one more card. The dragon above had started to bombard the ship with spells. Cursing his luck, he drew a card. Queen of Pentacles. Lose all magical items. I was so mad I got up out of my seat and start yelling at this point. This was the one other card besides the Void that I knew of that could completely screw me over. Katarin had lost his escape route, and since a Master Thrower is somewhat dependent on returning daggers, he had lost a lot of his combat effectiveness too. While this had been going on, we'd been continuing our flight to the island stronghold that Lloyd had received from the deck. We had arrived near the shore, but we were unable to surface because it would mean exposing ourselves to the dragon. There was only one thing to do: Offer the Deck of the Many things to the dragon in return for a truce. The dragon hastily accepted. He probably could have simply taken the deck and then killed us, but he must have been too enthralled by the deck or too prideful to go back on his word. When we emerged onto the shore and got out to give him the deck, he simply took it and drew 5 cards immediately. He drew a joker and some other cards, but only two were important: The Moon and the Queen of Pentacles. The dragon made three wishes on the Moon, but we didn't know what they were. We were hastily trying to leave at this point. An affect of one of the wishes he made, however, was to turn the blue wyrm ship back into it's adamantine ironclad form. It could reach 85 ft. speed, however it took 4 or 5 rounds to get there from 20. As we had all retreated back onto the ship and begun to sail away, we heard a roar of complete and utter outrage, bemoaning the loss of his hoard. He must of been disoriented by his despair, because he didn't think to chase after us once we were out of sight. We made our way to Yllarum, Katarin's home city. After that the campaign seemed to regain a smidgen of normalcy. Gully bought one more wish in order to reverse the effect the Queen of Pentacles had had on me. Gully christens his ship "The Monkey's Paw", now that it was a proper ship again. We felt pretty good. We'd managed to escape the dragon, keep the gold, and live to campaign another day. Some time later, after taking care of our business in Yllarum, we decide to make for the southern continent. Lloyd, the owner of the castle on the island, asks if we can make a slight detour to fully inspect it, seeing as how we never got the chance during the dragon mess. It was only a little out of the way, so we agree. Flying overhead upon our arrival however, we see that same bloody red dragon resting in the courtyard of the castle. He had chosen quite the vengeful spot on which to start building his new horde. Now this is where it becomes crucially important that the ship had been changed back to its old ironclad form by one of the dragon's wishes. Upon seeing our ship, the dragon roars angrily and gets up to attack. Seeing as how the ship didn't have the speed to outrun a dragon, the only option was to stand and fight. Gully's player had been looking into Stomwrack's sections on naval combat, and therefore knew that the ship could ram for 11d6 damage. So, without any ado, that's exactly what Gully begins to do. Whilst commanding the Battle-Titan Brigade to man and fire-at-will with what ballistae the ship had (two), he repeatedly attempts to ram the dragon. Sometimes, he lacked the maneuverability to do so, and the ship needed to build full speed to do it's full damage (which would be X8 at max speed). Building up speed required he only turn by one diagonal square per round, and this fight just wouldn't allow him to do that as he had to keep swerving in order to hit the dragon. While it seemed to be working fairly well, the dragon was also dealing major damage to the ship, and even if we did gain the advantage, he could always retreat and be back to harry us again some day (probably soon). Thankfully, the ship's adamantine composition prevented us from going down like yesterday's leftover barbecue. It could even bypass the dragon's DR, seeing as how the ship was considered magical, but it still wasn't an easy fight. Gully, Katarin, and Lloyd happened to be the only ones in the ship at this point in time. This errand in the southern continent wasn't supposed to take long. So there we were, 3 level 8 characters and a bunch of cohorts taking on a CR 20 encounter. Our most potent spellcaster had three levels in Duskblade, so you can be damn sure we didn't have access to Shivering Touch. Lloyd is struggling to find a way to be useful. He manages to nick the dragon with a Shocking Grasp through one of the portholes once, but he promptly got caught in the dragon's breath attack (which the DM ruled only would hit each 5-foot square adjacent to the portholes if the breath attack came parallel to them), taking 128 and dying instantly. Katarin happened to have a Revivify scroll on him and a handy high roll on his UMD check, which brought him back, but he was out for the fight for sure. Meanwhile, Katarin was built to excel at ranged combat. The dragon's AC was too high for me to hit on anything but a very favorable roll, but my DM said he would allow me to shoot for his eyes, which had a much lower AC despite being smaller. At first, he attempted to time his attacks with the cooldown of the breath weapon, having to dodge in and out and waste several turns making sure not to get hit (and also to save Lloyd), but then he had the idea to mount one of the Battle-Titan Brigade members, with Gully's permission, and instructed it to take cover from the window if he should see an incoming breath attack. The dragon then feels the sting of Katarin's full attack: Six thrown daggers per round, each dealing 14-16 damage for about 90 damage if all of them hit their mark (which, with the range increment penalties, didn't always happen). Over the course of several rounds, I manage to fully blind one of his eyes, and deal significant damage to the other. The dragon doesn't like this at all, so he changes his tactics, attempted to kite us with spells and breath weapons. Unfortunately for him, this gave Gully the opportunity to do just what he had wanted with his ram attacks. Shuddering with anticipation, he calls for a full steam ahead. The range increments were getting even tougher, but Katarin finally managed to blind the other eye just before Gully hit maximum speed. The dragon, who had managed to get about 1-2 hundred feet away from us, conjures up a Wall of Fire, and begins channeling a Pyro Burst (the DM has a soft-spot for that spell), which I only know because I took a cross-class rank in Spellcraft, had a high int, and rolled high enough. Gully commands for the ship to dive as quickly as possible while still remaining full speed. We managed to get underwater just before the dragon laughs and says "You fell into my trap!" and releases the Channeled Pyroburst, which completely misses, seeing as how he is now blind and we are also beyond the range of his blindsense. The round after, we came careening back out of the water at full speed, flying directly at him. I start playing "Libera Me from Hell" from my laptop because it seemed appropriate. The ram connects, dealing a full its 88d6 damage. The DM informs us that we ram into the dragon, spinning like a drill, we pierce it's chest and come out the other side, having impaled its heart, taking it to -200 hp. "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE?" In the aftermath, we dragged the dragon's lifeless body back to the beach, where we later sold it's body to a specialist who worked with dragon parts. The ship had taken 85,000 gold worth of damages, which Gully paid in full to repair. I'm fairly certain we also leveled up again. Lloyd and I later encountered the Deck of Many Things sitting innocently on the sandy beach, presumably where the dragon had dropped it in his delirious rage. We simply passed by it without saying anything. We'd been damn lucky. It'd happened before in this campaign, and it would happen again, but the important thing was to acknowledge the fact that it was, in fact, luck. I don't believe Gully Teach saw the Deck lying there, because if he had, he might very well have kept drawing until the Deck really did manage to kill him. I might have buried it, though I honestly don't remember. What I do know is that after all we'd been through, Lloyd and I had decided the Deck was certainly not worth the risk. The real kicker is that some months later, we begin adventure to stop a bunch of time-traveling black dragons from destroying the earth. They claimed that an ancestor of Gully Teach would eventually unravel time, and that the only way to stop it was to tear out our world's magical lay-lines (thus destroying it). Of course, Gully Teach had since died in a particularly nasty encounter with Rakshasa and denied resurrection, leaving poor ol' Katarin and Co. to deal with it. Apparently something about Gully wishing to go back in time over and over again had sparked the DM's imagination in a pretty horrible way. So that's what happened. Because of a Deck of Many Things, we broke the power-scaling of our game, accidentally pissed off a dragon, fought and killed said dragon in a flying adamantine submarine, and then created a tear in the space-time continuum, all without meaning to and at level 6-8.

Not written by myself. In this story I was playing Gully Teach. My buddy Paul wrote this who was playing Katarin. I love sharing this because the way he wrote this captures the game perfectly.

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Finally

So I finally made a tumblr. We’ll see how this goes.