the-angry-nerd

[the-angry-nerd]

Wednesday, February 26, 2025

The sun coming out feels like I started a new medication and it is finally working... or maybe I am just manic. I guess we will see. I have been productive. I am finally integrating more of my physical goals into my routine. I have begun doing at home work out routines that you can find on Pinterest. Nothing too crazy, just something to keep my body moving. I do not even want muscles, I just want a strong body. The soreness feels nice. A solid pain to hold onto.

This page turned one year old last Friday! The dedication to this page taught me so many things. If you want to do something, start doing it one day and then do it the next. Keep it going. After a while it will turn into something. I mean 16 followers...its not a lot...but its more than I had a year ago. I love this page and taking time out every Wednesday to think about life. It is a space of constructive stream of consciousness. I enjoy keeping a knowingly public journal/record of my life.

One week until my 23rd birthday. The next week will be busy and only get busier. However, spring break is right around the corner. I feel a second wind come over me. I can make it to spring break and then the end of the semester. I fear it is almost almost over. It has been hard. Hopefully, I can get out of my own head and just enjoy whatever this campus has left to give me. Make the most of the time I have left and say goodbye.

I hope to hear from Grad programs soon. Well...the program I am dreaming to be accepted into.

I have been doing research into the New French Extremity (for a paper) . If you have the stomach for it, give it a look see.

[the-angry-nerd]

Wednesday, February 19, 2024

Along with the majority of college students right now... I am sick. It definitely is annoying. I want to go, go, go but my body is holding me back. I have work, class, mental health, a relationship, and a social life to attend to, I do not have time for sickness. I decided to take a bit of time off of work to get some things straight. Lately it has been far too much for me. The drama is a lot for a fast food place. I am ready to put jobs like this behind me.

I am doing the best I can to keep up with my class work. Its hard. Any energy I have is spent on keeping myself upright at work. By the time I've put in 5 hours I am exhausted. I have no will to do anything else and now my body is screaming at me for a rest. I will give in. Nothing is worth my health. Not even a check.

I am busy tomorrow with class. I have Friday all to myself. I am so excited to relax. Not have to wake up and just take care of myself. I'll wake up and do a bit of homework and then just chill.

I am going to see a drag show this weekend. As well as getting my nails done. I am not sure what this post is other than a shit one.

I am excited for spring. For the warmth to return. I am praying for it actually.

[the-angry-nerd]

Wednesday, February 12, 2025

Not much has changed since last post. I am still extremely exhausted. At this point it has become some sort of a bit. "Ya I'm just going to keep going. I want to see when it will take me out." I try my best to get enough rest and eat enough. I try to drink water and go outside when I have the time. I just feel as if I am in constant fight or flight but slowly. The beast has yet to find to my scent but it is close by.

I am excited for Valentine's day. I love getting dressed up and looking good. I am not even sure what my plan is but I know it will be fun. This holiday is one of my favorites. It is important to take time and give love to every kind of relationship. It might be a commercial holiday, but I always loved it. I dedicate time to my parents, my friends, and my love. In the state of the world currently, it is important to keep community and care.

Its funny to think that I started this blog because a professor told me to do so. That same professor died recently. He was by no means my favorite even though he was very kind. It's interesting how someone who did not have a huge impact on my life emotionally will forever be a part of it through my use of this account. I am a bit of everyone I have ever talked to, which is fun to think about.

[the-angry-nerd]

What To Wear

Could I pull off these leg warmers? 

Everyone would know I don’t wear them a lot

Audience would know I haven’t rehearsed with this costume yet

I can’t pull them off 

Maybe these pants, made of fabrics and fibers

could cover the parts I wish not to 

flaunt. The curves don’t match from

side to side. 

I haven’t worn this red sweater in a while, 

Strands and strings hang off the sleeves

This isn’t me

Even if once it was

I would rather be adorned in 

Cheeta or leopard, too rich that

style means nothing.

As long as a pretty penny is dealt 

Let silk spill over my shoulders,

Velvet valet over my thighs. No more loose threads, no more fraying

Only fabric that holds worth.

Yet, in the solace of the mirror’s gaze, I wonder if wealth can sew me whole, Or if somewhere, in a box one day, The red sweater will still house my soul. 

[the-angry-nerd]

Wednesday, February 5, 2025

I am tired. I am very tired. My nails are grown out and chipped. I always have a to do list. I am praying for a snow day tomorrow. I need one day of relaxation. Of getting the list done, then sitting in bed.

I want to post on here more. But what do I write when I can barely think straight? What do I write when I am too tired to even have my brain work?

I am often mad at myself, because I am "too tired" to create. Isn't everyone else? I guess what makes the art worth it is the sacrifice the artist makes for the final result. I am willing to make sacrifices but how do I get my mind in a state where it can keep up with my aspirations?

Then the logic steps in, I need sleep and rest in order to keep moving forward. There is a song called, "Bloom" by Doechii. This song has been giving me a lot of comfort. I do what I can in 24 hours then I go to sleep. I am doing what I can in the time I'm awake and the getting some sleep.

I guess I answered my own questions. Can't be too mad at myself for being human.

[the-angry-nerd]

Wednesday, January 29, 2025

I am getting into the habit of writing poetry everyday. Well, every week day. Out of five poems, usually only one or two I would even think of sharing with others. I get embarrassed when I think about taking my art seriously.

When talking to older people and you say, "Yeah, I want to be a writer." You always get a pause. They do not know if they believe in me. They do not know if I am delusional or the real deal. I like to think I am somewhere in the between.

I have to be delusional. I have to believe that the words I am putting on the page NEED to be in the world. The stories I tell mean something because they keep me up at night. I have to be delusional or I won't get anywhere.

Now, I know I could be the real deal. I have a lot of work to do. I am not as witty on paper as I am with my tongue. The words still fight me as I try to pin them to the page. I am getting better though, stronger.

Repetition and routine will help form my natural drive. I am proud of even lasting a week. I want this, now I am willing to get dirt under my finger nails. I will have "writer" next to my name one day.

[the-angry-nerd]

Tomorrow is Another Day

Children play but I don’t pay

‘Tention to the game

Fame is all I wish

At the end of the day

Say I had a million dollars

I would give a bunch of scholars

Time to conjure ways 

To get out of the maze

Techniques of how

To escape the wow

That everyone knows

Waits at the end of the rainbow

Sunsets arise every day

So I pray while the children play

Today won’t be the day 

I will have to pay

Wisdom passed down

Renown in knowledge

Acknowledge the nerves 

That awaits such artists

Futurists say

We pay every day

And those of tomorrow

Have much to sorrow 

[the-angry-nerd]

January 23, 2025

First week of my last semester of undergrad. I am struggling to lock in. I do not want to. I do not want to do anything outside of class. Thinking about doing classwork is like thinking about getting a tooth pulled. However, I know it is a means to an end.

I am only taking two classes. A creative writing course that focuses on poetry. This class will definitely push me as a writer. I struggle writing about anything other than the trauma I've been through. The professor said, he doesn't want to hear about dead grandmas. It will be interesting.

I am taking a grad course on horror theory. I was utterly shocked walking into that room. PHDs, Masters, people with wives, and me. In the sea of black coffee cups, my sparkly pink stood out. I think I am in the deep end. I did not speak the entire three hour class. I need to soon if I want to be respected. I will work up the nerve.

I am also the editor of the sociology newspaper which is earning a few credits. lastly, I am a part of this class that discusses brewing of beer which is held off campus. It is very exciting. This last semester I am doing only hands on learning. I do not want to waste my time on essays.

I just have no will to do work outside of class time. I do not feel like reading, thinking, ect. Hopefully I will kick back into the gear soon. The start of the semester has also been slow which is not helping. I keep anticipating the storm but it is so slow.

I have a very different way of organizing myself this time around. I am just not putting too much pressure on myself. My main goal is to put myself first. I want to ensure I do not lose my personality as I often do when I am in school. I will accomplish all that I wish. I am doing a decent job at keeping myself in order so far, even if it is a couple of days.

I am no longer working weekends. I am excited to do homework and chill then go out with my friends. I cannot wait to do whatever I want for two days. Things are looking up as long as I stay with the plan I have in my head.

[the-angry-nerd]

January 6th, 2025

Well, first post of the New Year.

My holidays were very pleasant. They were the first good holidays in a very, very long time. Loss has a way of changing every aspect of your life. Once you lose someone close to you, nothing is the same. You have to get used to a new life, a new reality. This year, the new reality felt similar to the before. It was nice.

I have been on lock down, unintentionally. No jobs have been coming through so I have been relaxing. I have been watching films and tv shows, going on walks, and taking care of myself. In reality, I am really just trying to keep myself busy. Take advantage of the time I have off, I will never have this time ever again.

In the new semester, I am going to focus on my creative ventures. I have not been super frequent in my posts on this platform, but I am proud of myself for at least keeping up with it. I really want to do more. I need to take pictures. I really want to dedicate time to capturing moments and become more confident behind a camera.

I also want to try a podcast. Nothing serious. Maybe an hour that would come out every other week. I think I will get to that tomorrow. I just am unsure of where to film and if I truly have the confidence to put myself out there in that way. However, I have been told my whole life that I would be funny on a podcast. So I am finally going to give it a shot. I will figure out all the details.

Tomorrow I have a full day planned but I still hope a job comes through.

My recommendation for this week is "Them". "Them" is a tv show available through Amazon Prime. Though the pacing is a bit slow at times, I promise it is worth it. This show covers the topic of racism in America and everything that goes along with it.

[the-angry-nerd]

December 16th, 2024

The semester is finally over. The time moved very quickly but also incredibly slow. I had so much fun with my friends as well as making a ton of personal growth. I am beginning to feel more comfortable with the idea of being a person in the work force. I am almost getting excited for the next chapter.

I want to be able to make money without being so exhausted after the day. I want to have the energy to go to work and then be a creative. I wonder what I will become.

I am realizing more and more that to become who I want to be and to achieve the life I want I will need a lot of courage. Courage to make the next step. I can no longer allow myself to be less because of fear. I am capable and talented. I just need to not lose faith in that.

I have a lot of writing ideas. I need to have the courage to finish them. I have loads of creative pursuits. I need the courage to do it. I need to have courage to not get stuck in the cycle of daily life.

I refuse to hold myself back. I am proud of what I have done this year. No matter how hard times may have been, I made it through. I will always make it through. The art will always get me through.

For this post I do not have a documentary to recommend, it has been hard to find a good one. Instead I would like to offer up, Snowpiercer. It is available on Tubi for free. I recently read a review that connected the film to Marxist teachings. The political and social commentary is overwhelming but done so differently than what we may have seen before in The Hunger Games, Divergent, ect. franchises.

[the-angry-nerd]

Monday, December 2nd, 2024

Well, I am back on the grind. I know what my next steps are... hand in the applications. All I can do now is wait.

I have been looking at my physical health. I want to eat balanced meals and make my body strong. I have a million excuses why I cannot be healthy at school or while I am at home. However, I can no longer wait to live on my own to be healthy, I have to do it now or I fear I never will make the jump.

I have come up with routines that I believe will work out for me. Only time will tell. Of course I decide to get into physical activities as soon as the temperature gets lower than 50 degrees.

I am so proud of myself. This year I have killed it. I am making huge strides to mental balance. I do struggle but the falls into the pits are not so deep anymore. It is easier to pull myself out. I want to fulfill my potential. I can exercise, eat better, and take care of my mental health. This is my first time trying to bring everything together to become a healthy individual.

I am not expecting to be perfect but I am expecting to be better than I was the days or weeks before.

I want to focus on flexibility and keeping my joints healthy. I have bad hips which have only become worse as I have become older. Doctors and surgeries scare me to death. So how do I prevent myself from seeing doctors? Make my body strong on my own until I can't anymore.

I want to also focus on eating balanced meals. Usually, I just try to eat 3 meals a day, no matter what they look like, because I haver always struggled with eating. However, at 23, I think it is time to eat right.

I have a lot of goals but I know I can accomplish them.

I am also putting in a show proposal. We will see what happens.

[the-angry-nerd]

Thursday, November 21st, 2024

I am learning to be okay living in the unknown. Starting very soon I will be living a very different life to any one that I have known previously. I am excited for the adventure.

I have a list of things I need to do and want to do...but the weather has got me stuck. I barely feel like doing the minimum. Now I have to put in more effort to ensure I get time for creative pursuits.

I also feel stuck. I want to make a publication that specializes in zines that discuss activism. I have idea but am unsure of next steps. I do not know how to make ideas into items on a to do list. I want creative pursuits but I do not know how to move forward. I will keep on researching and figure out practical next steps.

The film for this week: Homeroom. It is available on Hulu. The film discusses how a group of students advocated for the removal from police officers from their high schools. It was a solid watch. Let me know your thoughts!

[the-angry-nerd]

Thursday, November 7, 2024

Well, that was incredibly disappointing. And really, that is to put it lightly. Yesterday I was depressed. I could not stop myself from giving into the dark “what ifs” of our future. The polling statistics do not even make sense. It feels like a horror film come to life. I cannot believe it is real. It is though. It is a living nightmare I have to get used to being in. Today I feel a fire lit underneath me. Community is the only thing that will get us through. Queer people have always been under attack, we are resilient. As long as we stick together. I want to create art. I want to create queer art.

I do not know what to do. People I love voted for a man who hates me. They voted for a man who hates them. I am hurt.

People are panicking. Talks of lavender marriages, skirts and beards, how to hide communication, how to hide knowledge. This is not real. It does not feel like a real thing. It feels like a tv show. It feels like a film.

I refuse to be stomped out. I refuse to let everything activists in the past have fought for to die. I cannot believe I worked for 5 years in undergrad to finally graduate into Trumps administration. Project 2025 scares me. 900 pages of terror.

I feel like I am going through the five stages of grief. I am angry, sad, and abandoned. However, I will not let this get in my way. The fear will not stop me. The threat of danger will not stop me. It never has.

Community, Art, Activism. I urge anyone, get involved in your community. Be active.

Watch documentaries. Learn.

I think I will start spotlighting a documentary a week which I will include in these posts. These docs will be political and engaging. Pay attention. They will show you how to organize. They will show you about protesting. Take what you want and leave what you don’t. This week: Hail Satan? It is available on Hulu. Let me know some thoughts.

[the-angry-nerd]

Tuesday, October 29, 2024

I have been having one hell of a time. I have been only doing things that are necessary. I have been neglecting all the extra parts. I mean this so generally. To provide an example, I am only brushing my teeth instead of brushing and flossing. This week I have felt a fire light under me again. I have been so stuck in doing the same thing everyday I forgot I have free will. Now in letting things go, my to do list is about a mile long. My goal is to get a bunch of things done today and tomorrow to set myself up for success after Halloween.

It has been unreasonably hot this fall. I guess I can blame that on my laziness. Who would want to sit at a desk when they could be outside enjoying the sun on their skin. It has been hard for me to focus on school and living. I often find myself getting lost in my thoughts and feelings. But, like I said, I feel as if I have been woken up.

My most recent thoughts has been about my college experience. I feel as if I did not do enough. I did not get enrolled enough. I did not build up my resume enough. Then I think some more. I think about Covid. I think about mental health. I think about working 30 hrs a week just to afford to live. The problem with me is that I want to be everything all at once. I understand that is impossible. I just want to experience and do as much as I can in my life but I feel as though the conditions of my life keep me from things. I am not quite sure how to explain it.

I am also thinking about what life will be like post grad. I have no idea. Post grad is a light grey. It’s hope and opportunity with a hint of fear. I have all these hopes and dreams for myself. Very soon the only thing preventing those dreams from happening is myself. That is a scary thought.

[the-angry-nerd]

Tuesday, October 8th, 2024

I had a situation over the weekend. I am rethinking a lot of choices. I am questioning if I should be sober. I had a very scary experience this weekend. It was not scary at the time but boy was it scary after. I realized after about 3 hours that I was finally back. However, I was always there… but I was not. I was mean and nasty. I have never been an angry drunk. I guess I was not, but I was not nice either. That is what I am understanding from the retellings I have received. I am worried about it. I do not want to be like that. It reminds me of a past life. Very far from this one.

I do want to be healthy. I was to find peace. Now, I just am not sure what I need to fix. I know there is something wrong but I just do not know how to help myself at this point. So, I am doing what I know. Make a Pinterest board and hope I stick to it. I am attempting 30 days, then take a next step. I am excited to go on a journey of health and wellness but am unsure how to carry it out.

I am starting with small goals for these 30 days. Eating well, sleeping well, and taking care of my body. I am hoping to make small changes to then make big ones. I always get discouraged but I will be stronger this time.

Even if it’s just for 30 days. Maybe next time I do something similar to this it will be 60 days.

Not much has been happening other than questioning every choice I make every second of the day. I do not have a lot of room for much else. I am trying to enjoy the days for which I am alive. Being in the sunlight, taking moments to breathe. Enjoy the changing of the seasons.

I am excited that as the seasons are changing I am also changing. I feel the universe shoving me forward into a new life. I am ready to leave this mindset behind and create a new one.

[the-angry-nerd]

Monday, September 30, 2024

Week 6. Almost half way through the semester. I have been working very hard. Whenever I am a not clocked into a job I am working on homework or some sort of side project. I feel as if the days are not long enough, the pay check is not big enough, and the water is not hot enough. I am still working very hard at trying to keep a balance of work and play but it is getting hard. It is my favorite time of year but it feels as if I never have time to actually enjoy it. I spend my days running from place to place hoping I get everything on my to-do list gets done before the clock reaches 12. I am the working class Cinderella.

It is fall ren fair season. Very exciting. Nothing will make a weird kid feel seen like the ren fair. I wish my parents brought me as a kid. No one ever talks about the plight that is being born to a normie family. They will never understand my need to create. My need to be revered among the outsiders.

I am currently reading a novel. I am not sure if I like it. However, I am definitely learning from it. I enjoy the way the author takes a situation and then builds an upon it to make a universal statement. Then she brings it back around again. I am not sure how to explain it but I enjoy the style a lot. Detranition, baby by Torrey Peters. If any of you have any other insight please comment.

I am tired. All the time. But a good tired. Like after a long days work. It is satisfying. But for how much longer….

[the-angry-nerd]

Thursday, September 12, 2024

Well, week three of the semester is coming to a close. I feel more accomplished and on top of my game than ever. I often find myself running away from tasks that involve speaking to people. Being a senior means that the anxiety must leave in order to get what I need out of my professors and peers. I am trying very hard to face difficult situations head on instead of avoiding them. It turns out most of what I was running from was not even that difficult or taxing. I was just letting other mental factors control me. It feels good to not have anything weighing on my mind. To be able to go to sleep and know I did everything I could to make the most of a day.

That’s how I feel about being a creative. I was always so worried I had no time or energy to make art. I almost do not even recognize myself as an artist anymore because it had been so long since I have been creative. Getting back into the craft has helped me in so many ways. I feel much more fulfilled in my days. When I spend time collecting photos and then editing them, I feel a spark get reignited. Even with writing, with school being back in full swing I am writing all the time. However, writing for myself or on this website makes me feel like a creative again.

I just feel happier and lighter than I did a year ago. I feel more open and at peace. I know life is full of ups and downs in which I am truly enjoying this up. It feels like years since I have felt this up. I have been putting in the work though. I spend time doing yoga and meditating.

My whole life people would respond to my anxiety with, “Just let it go, it’s not worth getting yourself crazy.” Well, it was how my body responded to the world around it. I never realized that I can control my body, that as its inhabitant I have a right to decide how I will feel/react. I did not want to live the rest of my life anxious, depressed, or angry. I simply wanted to live. I am starting to understand it is a choice to not be anxious. It is a thing you have to train your brain to do, to decide it is not worth losing the grip on your reality and experience. This is also how I’ve been working through my anger. It is a process but I am finally seeing results.

I am loving life and making moves. I cannot wait to see what this next week brings for me.