thatwriter-leahlolita

[thatwriter-leahlolita]

Dear Everyone

Summary: A letter to the world from the eyes of Dan, who has depression. His therapist suggests writing down his thoughts, and he tries it out, despite hating the idea.

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Dear Everyone,

It probably seems really unnecessary and depressing to write a letter like this. But you see, I have a terrible habit of hiding my feelings from the people around me that are supposed to love me. But don't get me wrong, they do. Love me. But the problem is actually a little more complicated then a lacking of love.

I have a lot of negative thoughts, as some of you may already be aware. I chase this imaginary dream world where everything is sunshine and rainbows but all I can see is the bad stuff that comes alongside it. They call that "the law of equivalent exchange" or some bullshit. I know it as depression, personally.

My abundance of love comes from my ever so supportive family, who are always there to encourage me and push me forward, and Phil. Literally my soulmate, always there for me. Not that souls are a real thing that exist.. But my inner demon is that I completely lack the compassion and love in myself to accept it. I could never accept a sense of pride, or fortune.

I work hard, the hardest. I always have a job on the internet. I never do anything bad, on purpose at least. I had smirnoff ice at parties, so I was never really drunk when I was young. I allocated myself bisexual so I could avoid my true feelings through highschool and chose straight until I turned 28 as to not dissapoint my family.

But I can only see the parts that fustrate me so much and make me angry at myself. I hate it. I lack confidence. I'm afraid that my family tolerate me, I'm worried my friends have noone else to keep them occupied.

I'm a negative person, that much is obvious. I know my thoughts are irrational, but there's nothing in my brain to tell me I'm wrong. There's always that uncertainty. That self doubt that hinders my ability to move on.

I always thought that writing down your thoughts was unnecessary, and stupid. My therapist seems to think that it's productive. I'm sure that may be true for some. Those who care about themselves enough to read it back and realise how shitty you're being to yourself.

I didn't even know compassion was something you could give yourself. I always thought it was earnt. I sometimes think "I wonder what a normal person must think like", until I remember that I'm more normal then I give myself credit for.

I'm terrified of loosing my friend Phil or disappointing my parents. That's normal. I'm pretty sure negative thoughts are those things at the front of everyone's mind where you are irrational, a monkey complex or some shit? Unless my therapist just wants me to think that way.

I'm normal up to that point, but my abnormality is my ability to contain and rationalise those irrational thoughts. My abnormality is lacking compassion for myself and constantly seeking it from others.

I think that's fucking insanity.

[thatwriter-leahlolita]

Surely not?!

Summary: Avid fans of Dan and Phil have always dreampt of meeting their favourite YouTubers in person. Only a rare few get the opportunity. Never before though, has one (You, the reader) managed to bump into them repetitively.. as if it was fate?

Ship: Dan and Phil

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Lately, you've felt tired. But of course that could easily be explained by the number of hours you've spent leaning over a maths textbook in confusion. Not only was it completely impossible to figure out what 'x' was, but in all honesty you couldn't care less. Your teacher is an ass and he has never helped you actually learn anything important in all the years of education you've had to face with him. It's all pointless, all of it!

Deciding this was a great time to attempt escape from another existential crisis, you clumber your legs out from under the kitchen table and stretch. In the living room, you could hear the sound of the television playing "Housewives of Somewhere Expensive". Deciding to save yourself from the horrific scenes that lied before you, should you dare to enter, you walk over to the fridge to grab some milk and make yourself a coffee. It's 6pm, but honestly any form of energy is highly welcomed at this point.

Unfortunately for you, there was no milk. You turn to the coffee pot to see, no coffee.

"Kannst Du Nitch~" You grumble softly under your breath. "Mum/Dad! There's no coffee or milk left!"

Your Mum/Dad, busy wasting their time watching crappy daytime television, yelled back, "Well go to the shop then, you've got legs!"

Grumbling, you stomp over to your Dan Howell Sad Boi hoodie and black converse shoes, and then make your way to the shops.

***

Dan was tired, and grumpy. He hated 6pm because it's always the time he looses energy and wants a nap. But clearly 6pm is too early for bed and too late to nap. His compromise is coffee.

"Where you going Dan?" Phil wined, turning away from the TV to look at him. "You promised you'd watch this with me."

"I will, but first: coffee." Dan waves his hand nonchalantly back at Phil as he makes his way to the kitchen. "Phil!"

Phil tuts, pausing his show. "Yes?"

"Where's the coffee?" Dan replied.

"Oh... yeah, about that..." Phil winced. "I finished it earlier and kind of forgot to get more."

"Well that's just great!" Dan sighed, now facing Phil as he stands in the door frame of the living room. "Come on then!"

"Come on what?" Phil whined.

"You can't expect me to go get coffee alone can you? This is your own doing Lester!" Dan demanded, chucking Phil his coat.

"Fine." He replied. "But we are finishing this episode when we get back!"

***

The shop was quiet, most people at home eating their dinner or watching TV together. The only noise that filmed the building was the beeping of scanners and rustling of shopping trolleys as people wheel them around the store.

(Y/N) was stood at the coffee isle, staring meekly at the coffee's in slight confusion. They was not usually much of a coffee drinker, at least not making it themselves at home. There is a LOT more range then they could have ever imagined... If it was up to (Y/N) they would pick any random one, but their Mum/Dad was a stickler for coffee and would grumble if they picked the wrong one.

A few more moments past, staring at the coffee types, before a strangely familar voiced peaked their attention.

"Listen Phil, I've told you this once and I'll tell you again, Svens Universe is not more of a priority than coffee. Yes, it's a tough choice but honestly, coffee will always win."

Could that be- No... surely not?!

The men themselves, Dan Howell and Phil Lester walk towards the coffee aisle in haste. (Y/N) had absolutely no idea what to do. Should they move to another aisle, smile and continue shopping? They were way too anxious to actually acknowledge them.

When they arrived at the coffee, (Y/N)'s heart stopped. They stared at the coffee for a moment, before Dan leaned over (Y/N) to grab a coffee from a higher shelf that (Y/N) could never possibly reach.

"Dan! You just leant right above that person!" Phil gasped, turning to you in haste. "I'm sorry about that, you see Dan here will probably murder someone for coffee if needed!"

You turn your head up to face Phil, who stood taller than you by a long shot. You then looked over towards Dan, who huffed at Phil, cradling his instant coffee.

Eventually, realising the situation in front of you, you manage a reply: "It's o-okay. I've been here a while struggling myself!" You laugh meekly.

Dan peaked interest in that moment, "Why's that? Need help grabbing something?"

You blush softly, "Well, no, not exactly. You see I have no idea which coffee to get.." you realise this is a wierd conversation to have with strangers, eventhough they surprisingly don't feel like strangers to you. "Nevermind."

"Oh well if that's the case, " Dan smiled. "Here you go!" He passes you the Starsucks brand coffee he's been cradling, and then grabs himself another from the shelf. "This is by far the greatest coffee I've ever had from here."

Phil retorted, "But of course that's his opinion, you don't have to get that one."

"No, I- Thankyou. That's a great help." You smiled, placing the coffe in your basket beside the fresh oat milk.

Dan stuck his tongue out at Phil, "They want it see, I'm always right!"

"Shut up Howell."

"Watch your tongue, Lester!" He retorts.

Standing in bewilderment, you stare at the clearly apparent lovers flirting with eachother right in front of your eyes. Eventually, Phil turns to you again and realises his placement right now.

"Sorry about him," He smiles. "He's cranky when he doesnt get his coffee. Hope you like yours though."

Dan agreed, "Yeah, bye~". Then he hurried over to the self serve counter to pay.

You stood their a few minutes longer, shocked by what just happened in front of you, before heading home to finally have your much delayed coffee break. The least that experience has taught you, is that Dan Howell has amazing taste in coffee.

***

A few days later, you decide since the new "Animal Crusing" has come out, you would go to the game store to pick it up. You would usually just order it online for preorder and anxiously wait for the delivery day to arrive. But in almost some kind of introverted people hate crime, they released the preorder for store pick ups only!

Arriving at the store, you see a long que. "Well, here we go." You grumble, falling into line in the que quietly. This is why it's better to stay at home, cosy and warm, and wait for the delivery man to deliver the goods.

When suddenly, a voice moaned in the distance. "See! Look at that que! Store pick up only, I mean, the makers of "Animal Crusing" must hate us. And why did we choose "GAMING" of all places to pick it up! This place is always busy."

"Phil honestly you always complain about stuff like this, would it kill you to que for a bit for a lifetime of fun?" Dan replied.

"Lifetime my butt!" Phil retorted. "I give it a few months before you loose interest."

"Absolutely no faith." Dan gasped fakingly, bringing a hand to his chest.

Again? How is this even possible?? You wonder, anxiously staring at the two famous YouTubers walking towards you for the second time this week.

They eventually join next in the que behind you, and you barely keep yourself calm as you feel the heat rising up your body. It's like an itch you can't scratch, knowing they are behind you watching your every move. It is scary, to say the least.

"This better go quick." Phil mumbled, kicking a stone on the floor with his shoe.

The stone rolled quickly across the floor and slammed abruptly against the back of your leg. It was small, so you barely felt it. But the awkwardness of the whole situation just took a much more dramatic turn.

"Oh my God!" Phil squeaked. Tapping your shoulder lightly.

You have no choice, he wants your attention. So you turn slowly and act innocent, listening to Phil grovel about how sorry he is for doing something stupid.

Then Dan spoke up, "Wait, aren't you coffee dude from the other day? When we went to get coffee from Bainsburies?"

"Oh, yeah. That's me." You smiled softly, hoping your eyes didn't give away how obvious it was that you knew WHO they were and that you was intensely aware that you saw them 3 days, 4 hours and 27 minutes ago in the coffee aisle in Bainsburies.

"Small world, huh?" Phil smiles. "Sorry again, though. I didn't mean to hit you."

"It's fine, I barely felt it anyways."

"So, you know what they say," Dan interupts, "Once a stranger, twice a friend."

"What now?" Phil quizzes confusingly. "I've never heard someone say that, ever."

Dan shoves Phil slightly, just enough to make him loose his balance slightly. "Anyway... I'm Dan, that loser on my left is Phil. Can I ask your name?"

"(Y/N). Nice to meet you both." You blush, realising that one way or another, Dan freaking Howell just called you his friend.

"You too!" Phil beams, pushing Dan back in revenge. "So you like Animal Crusing?"

"Yeah! I loved the mobile app version, but I've never played it on a real console yet so I'm super excited."

For as long as the que took to shorten, you three talked. About a lot of things. Boredom and a long que made you all relatively good friends by the end of it. And as a nice bonus, you all got the new Animal Crusing game. You was ecstatic. But this was now the end, you had to go home eventually.

But before you left, "Hey guys."

Dan and Phil turn to you, replying "Yeah?" in unison.

You gulp, breath in and out, and then said: "I have a confession." You continue, "I kind of know you guys already a little, as in I am a bit of a fan of your YouTube channels, yanoo."

They sigh, looking slightly releaved. Phil slapped your arm softly and smiled. "You scared us! I thought you was going to tell us that you were secretly stalking us for months or something!" Then he looked nervous, "Wait, you wasn't, was you?"

You laugh. "Of course not! But is that okay, me being your fan and all that?"

Dan smiled at you again and swished your hair out of place. "Of course its fine (Y/N). It was kind of obvious, you WAS literally wearing my merch when we met at Bainsburies the other day, and you seem genuinely kind. Why wouldn't we want a friend like that?"

".. Oh yeah." You laugh.

Your smile couldn't have reached further then that day. You exchanged contact with them, had one final chat, and then headed home.

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Thankyou all for reading. Hope you enjoy. If you have any requests I'm open to them!

[thatwriter-leahlolita]

Testing His Boundaries

Ship: Dan and Phil

Summary: Dan is meeting YouTuber AmazingPhil in Manchester for the first time, and he's really nervous to meet his friend IRL. But Phil, on the other hand, has much more planned.

Genre: Angst; Drama

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Dan was nervous -no- terrified. He would never have thought in a million years that stalking his favourite YouTuber would result in a conversation online, nevermind a meeting IRL! He's spent the past year chatting, skyping and laughing with 'AmazingPhil', learning more and more about what they have in common. Gaming, anime, Muse and YouTube. There's more then that, but he honestly could list things all day if you let him.

Of course, there's a hint of danger. Or at least that's what his mum said, "Of course, be careful wont you? Manchester is a big city you know!"

Of course he wasn't expecting her to be okay with him meeting Phil, so he didn't tell her. He wasn't exactly lying. "I'm going to Manchester one weekend to have a look at the campus there, is that okay?"

You know her response already, clearly. But he couldn't lie and say he wasn't at all nervous, meeting a man five years older than him that he's never met beyond Skype before. In a city he doesn't really know very well... But excited nonetheless.

The train journey was long, tedious and tiresome. The whole journey, he focused on what he would say when they met for the first time. "Hi, I'm Dan."

Too obvious, he knows that already. "Hey, Phil how's it hangin'?"

Too wierd, that's not how you talk. "Can't believe I finally get to meet you in person!"

Stalker, you don't want to scare him.

He gave up eventually, hoping that the answer would come in the moment. But when the moment actually arrived, and they met at Starbucks (how very corporate of them), the answer never came.

"Hi Dan, in the real world!" Phil beamed, running up to the entrance in haste. "Sorry I'm late, I'm used to the trains around here being delayed, so I was surprized to hear you had arrived!"

"Uh, it's okay. Hi, AmazingPhil." Dan smiled back, and gave an awkward wave. His other hand stuck firmly inside his pocket of his skinny jeans.

"Come on Dan, you call me Phil on Skype even! Don't get all formal now." He laughed, rubbing the back of his neck.

"True, I guess I'm just nervous..." Dan sighed. They made their way into Starbucks to grab a coffee, before they went back to Phil's place.

Stood behind the counter, was a beautiful blonde girl with petite features and a slim figure. "Next please!"

Phil signals that Dan can go first. "Hi, can I get an Americano please."

"Americano man, huh?" Phil joked.

"Black like my soul." Dan replied.

"And yourself?" She turned to Phil.

"I'll try the limited space frappe please!" He beamed. "Paying together please."

Dan turns to Phil in shock, "Oh I couldn't expect you to-"

"My treat. You came all the way here for me, least I could do." Phil blushes.

Whilst they waited for their drinks, Phil turns to Dan. "Is the girl at the counter, you know, your type?" He asked awkwardly.

Dan looks towards her, meekly. Turns his head back to Phil and said, "Not really."

"Oh, okay. Just wondering." He blushes.

They stood is silence for a while after that, until the drinks came. Dan looks to Phil's drink, purple and blue and sprinkles on top. "Frappe guy huh?"

"Sweet like my soul!" Phil jokes back.

***

Phil's parent's house was small, quaint and simple. But Dan wasn't expecting a mansion, or a frat house. Dan was excited to stay the weekend, even if he had to deal with the awkward 'meeting the parents' scenario.

"Daniel Howell, huh?" Phil's mum queried. "How did you get to know Phil?"

"Well, I actually saw his YouTube channel. I noticed we shared the same hobbies. It's easy to get along with him." Dan blushed.

"Mum, please don't grill Dan like that." Phil whined softly.

"I'm not 'grilling' him. Just wondering how he found your silly little online videos." She giggled.

"They aren't silly videos.. YouTube's a big deal now. It's getting more popular everyday!" He whined again.

"I know, I know. You're creative, that's great."

Phil urges Dan upstairs, to escape the clutches of his mother, until they reached Phil's room. "Sorry about that."

Dan smiles softly, looking around the room that Phil grew up in. From the bright green carpet, to the horoscope wallpaper, to the green and blue bedding and the wooden wardrobe. It was... an interesting choice, to say the least. "It's fine, really."

Soaking all the room in, Dan was urged to the bed to sit down and his bags were relocated to the side of the dresser. Phil's room was dark, the curtains closed leaving the room mysterious and hollow. Despite this, the brightness of his decor and the happiness beaming from the two of them right now filled the room in a glowing green sunshine.

"I saw your video." Phil smiled. "It was cute."

"It sucked, but it's a start. If you have any tips, I'm all ears." Dan responded.

Phil looked over to Dan, a pout on his face. "I think you did great. Oh! I know."

Phil slaps Dan's arm in excitement. "We should do a collab video now you're here, and you know, Danisnotonfire!"

Dan winces, the blood rushing to his cheeks quicker than he can think of a response. "I don't know... nobody even knows who I am. I doubt they'd want me on your videos just yet."

Phil smiles, a hand on Dan's shoulder and another on the bed. "Nonsense. Think of it as a promo, if it helps. Get you started!"

"I guess... but what would we even do?" Dan asked, confused. "I haven't even really decided on a 'theme' yet."

"Well, I've always wanted to do a collab Q&A, but I haven't really had the chance yet." Phil continues, "We could call it... Philisnotonfire!"

"Philisnotonfire? That's... a stupid title!" Dan laughs. "Surely there's a better name for it."

Phil smiles widely, "So, is that a yes?"

"... sure." Dan smiles back, meekly.

***

After the video, Dan and Phil decided that they would play on the XBOX together. They sat infront of Phil's TV in the living room together, shoulders touching and legs crossed. Nudging and budging eachother in attempt to put eachother off.

Dan wins, eventually. And he isn't humble with his celebration, causing Phil to grumble into Dan's chest beside him. Dan blushes, and stiffens slightly. "Hey, Phil?"

"Yeah?" Phil mumbles into Dan's chest.

"What's your type?" Dan blushes.

"Why do you ask?" Phil sits up again, focusing his attention towards Dan now.

"Well," he responds softly, "you asked me earlier if that girl was my type. I was wondering what your type is?"

Phil stared at Dan, and smiles. "Oh well you see, I'm actually into guys. Usually like, just guys I can really get along with and we can have a laugh together. I don't really know if I have a type."

"You're gay?" Dan replied.

"Yeah... is that, okay?" Phil responds in a low voice, concerned eyes flicker towards Dan.

"Yeah, of course." Dan blushes. "Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm gay too. Being honest, I'm still not sure if I'm bisexual or just full on gay. It's a long story. Never really told anyone that, though."

Phil smiles, his eyes glittering and his face lit up. "So I'm the first you've told? I'm honored. I hope you can live your truth one day, though."

"Me too." Dan sighs. "But I don't know what to think. I don't really like labels that much."

"That's okay!" Phil leans in towards Dan and grabs him into a strong hug. "Perfectly okay."

Dan pushes his face into Phil's shoulder, enjoying the warmth of his hug. Phil hugs Dan tighter, staring over his shoulder happily. "Hey, Dan?"

"Yeah?" Dan responds softly, a small tear rolling down his eyes.

Phil breaths in, then out and asks, "Any chance, that I'm your type?"

Dan grips Phil tighter, and swallows softly. "Well, yes. I suppose you are."

Phil smiles widely, the happiness clear in his face. He pulls away from Dan, who has become a red faced mess. They stared at each other for a while, before Dan asks quietly: "Phil, are your parents home today?"

"Not right now," he responds, his voice also very meek. "Why?"

Dan ignores him, and slowly leans forward, making his way towards Phil. A tender, loving kiss stops Phil in his tracks, as the replay of their latest game rolls on in the background. He leans further in, joining the kiss lovingly.

When the game replay ends, so do they. "Dan," Phil breath is fast and quick, catching up with itself. "Do you want to..."

Dan's heart runs faster then he's ever experienced, experiencing what he can only assume is his first experience with cardio in his unexercised life so far.

Suddenly, the loud click of the door being opened fills the silence around them. The yellowing of "I'm home!" followed.

Phil swallowed again, turning towards the screen infront of them "...play another round?" He finishes.

Dan smiled, happily, with flushed cheeks. "Sure."