thats-how-i-roll-in-my-shire

[thats-how-i-roll-in-my-shire]

they should invent a january that doesn’t make you go through every emotion known to mankind every day

[thats-how-i-roll-in-my-shire]

you will get up & you will make that to do list & you will be realistic about your limits & you will take it easy but steady & you will eat good food & you will get things done & you will move your body & you will do things that make you happy & you will limit your screen time & you will be the thing that saves you

[thats-how-i-roll-in-my-shire]

scientists are in labs right now creating the thinnest and worst material known to mankind so they can make women’s clothing

[thats-how-i-roll-in-my-shire]

[thats-how-i-roll-in-my-shire]

So I had a hysterectomy today (hooray!) and I brought along my stuffed orca, Shamu, as a comfort object. And everyone i interacted with during my pre-op was like "Oh! Who's this?" so I was telling them all about him, how he's been with me since I was 9 and gone on every single vacation and road trip, and they were telling me about their own stuffed buddies (one lady said she still has hers after 40 years!) and all of this while I was signing consent forms and providing a list of the things I'd brought with me, you know, small talk.

So then a nurse comes over and goes "Okay, I've got some stickers I'll put on your things so we know they're yours" and I'm like "OK cool" so she puts a sticker on my coat and stickers on my bags of clothes and then she turns to Shamu and I'm like "oh I guess he gets a sticker too"

But no. She pulls out a hospital bracelet that's an exact copy of mine and slaps it on his tail, like so:

And i was delighted by this, so I took a picture to send to my friends, who were equally delighted, and were cracking me up with their reactions (like so:)

Anyway, they take me back and put me under, and when I awake groggily a few hours later it takes me a minute to get my bearings, so I don't notice Shamu at first. But then I realize he's tucked up next to me in the gurney, so I grab him, and my hand touches gauze.

And I'm like "huh?" so I look at him and I realize

They gave my fucking orca a hysterectomy

[thats-how-i-roll-in-my-shire]

friend with benefits but the benefits are the little snacks we share together

[thats-how-i-roll-in-my-shire]

[thats-how-i-roll-in-my-shire]

In honor of infamous opponent to human rights Anita Bryant finally croaking, let's remember that time Vincent Price told her to fuck off with that homophobic bullshit in an immaculately cultured, polite way. 🫡

[thats-how-i-roll-in-my-shire]

having a freeze response to stress is so funny in the context of normal adult stressors. millions of years of evolution are trying to tell me that the email will not find me if i stay very still and do nothing

[thats-how-i-roll-in-my-shire]

I’m actually remarkably chill considering I’m consistently under the spells of many wizards

[thats-how-i-roll-in-my-shire]

"Um the lockdowns didnt work" no moron they didnt happen

[thats-how-i-roll-in-my-shire]

[thats-how-i-roll-in-my-shire]

so excited for these three new emojis in particular

[thats-how-i-roll-in-my-shire]

making posts about how beer tastes bad is a lot like that painting of a jester harassing a bunch of dogs while leaning over a wall, except the jester is below the dogs and trying so hard to reach them, and all the dogs are extremely beautiful and strong, and have a wonderful community built on love, and they never want for anything. they never want for anything.

[thats-how-i-roll-in-my-shire]

[thats-how-i-roll-in-my-shire]

[thats-how-i-roll-in-my-shire]