that-wierd-guy

[that-wierd-guy]

When is your birthday? Happy birthday! (^-^)/

I was born in the mud month, the month of cleansing, during the festival of Febura. Some call it the month of love, when Cupid's aim inflames the hearts of lovers old and new around the world. However, there are those who do not celebrate this month. Those who know it only as the month the world began it's end. The month where a being of chaos came into the world and brought woe upon the people of the earth. And one day ALL WILL SEE THIS MONTH IN THIS WAY, AND RUE THE DAY GOD PERMITTED IT BE!!!! THE MARK OF THE BEAST IS NOT 666, BUT RATHER 02/22/02!!!

......... So you're a little early, but your well wishes are still appreciated, thank you! 😊

[that-wierd-guy]

So yeah, today is the worst day ever, how's your day?

[that-wierd-guy]

Hmmm okay I'll bite. The bagel has good reviews. Alright bagel, do your thing.... Or do nothing and give a couple people the chance to laugh at my misery. Either or

[that-wierd-guy]

Rude, but not unexpected.... Or unwarranted

[that-wierd-guy]

Hah jokes on you, i already need years of therapy anyways so thats not gonna be a problem.... yeah maybe i should look for one anyways.

Never fear, for I am a (unlicensed/terrible/illegal) therapist!! I have about a 2% success rate with my patients. Don't ask what happens to the other 97%! My usual rate is about $29,000 an hour, but as a special deal for you I'll work for a bowl of clam chowder. You may set up an appointment with my receptionist (don't look her in the eye though, because she will feel challenged and be compelled to assert dominance by ripping off your face).

I look forward to our first session!

[that-wierd-guy]

I thought you were a cancer too 😭

I'm starting to think this has nothing to do with zodiac signs, but I just can't figure out what else it could mean 🤔.........

[that-wierd-guy]

Unfortunately, you did not get the job because you have to be a Shark! Are you a water sign? I could forgive the crime of not being a shark if yes. We need employees urgently.

I had to Google what you meant by water sign but yeah I'm a pisces (most people think I'm cancer for some reason 🤔)

And I can neither confirm or deny that I am a shark over a Tumblr ask. You never know who might be watching......

It's sad, because I've always dreamed of having a job like this...... What was the job again?

[that-wierd-guy]

sits down to interview

1. have you ever had nightmares about sharks?

2. Have you ever had dreams of sharks?

3. Do you like sharks?

4. Are you shark?

1. No I have never had a nightmare about sharks

2. I don't THINK I've ever had a dream about sharks? If I did I don't remember

3. Yeah, sharks are cool. They've been around for billions of years and they have narly sharp teeth. What's not to like?

4. I'll never tell 😉

So, how'd I do? Did I get the job? Also what job am I interviewing for? Ah doesn't matter, I'll take anything

[that-wierd-guy]

a normal starter: what's your favorite animal?

The great green smangldord from alpha centauri

If you're asking about my favorite earth animal I'll have to say the north American grizzly bear. Cool critters

[that-wierd-guy]

is your mom crazy and are you fatherless

Wow, great conversation starter. You must be a blast at parties. To answer your questions no I'm not fatherless, and no my mom's not crazy (so you know, I didn't inherit it)

[that-wierd-guy]

Me planning to do this in the future:

And the torture for the lobster doesn't even end there, because he's gonna tell people what he saw. He's going to find his way back home to his wife and children. He has been gone for weeks, the LPD (Lobster Police Department) had assumed he was dead at this point and were hoping at most to find a body so the family could have a funeral. "Where have you been Harold!?" His wife will ask.

And he'll tell her, after taking a long drag of his cigarette. He'll tell her that he was abducted by these giant aliens along with some others. He'll tell her of the bond he forged with his fellow captors while they were kept in the dark. Then he'll tell her how the aliens took everyone but him, and put them in a giant boiling pot of water. He'll shutter and fight back tears (a useless thing since they were underwater) as he remembers their screams. He'll tell his wife that he can still see their unnaturally red bodies as they were pulled out of the water. His claws will click nervously as he braces himself to tell her what happened next. He still hears the crunching and cracks in his sleep. He still feels the horror he felt then when he saw the aliens eating them. And he can still feel those unnatural fleshy appendages grasp him and make him watch whenever he tried to escape. Then when they were done they just let him go. No clue why, they just released him

His wife won't believe him. No one will. They'll just say he has a nervous breakdown, or that he whatever happened to him caused him to crack (not literally of course, his shell is fine). His wife begs him to see a therapist, some sturgeon, but Harold refuses. He knows he's not crazy, he knows it! He starts looking for evidence, screaming his conspiracy to anyone who will listen. This explains everything! This explains those mysterious cages with food, it explains why so many lobsters go missing without a trace! People just call him a nut case.

Eventually his wife can't take it anymore. She leaves him for some crab named Jake and takes the kids with her. He can't find work, nobody will hire him. Years later he finds himself in a crappy lobster apartment, living off of welfare, clutching a bottle of whiskey in his claw. He spends most of his days on the internet, posting articles that no one reads, DMing other lobsters who claimed to have similar experiences. He hasn't seen his kids since his wife left him. He finds himself wishing he was put in that pot with the others, instead of being left to live with the memories. Why didn't they just kill him? What was the point of all of this? When will he stop having nightmares?

........ Anyways it sounds like a comical tradition, I think I'll try it one day!

excuse me?????

[that-wierd-guy]

Nah god didn't forget to send it, he just send it to the wrong adress, that beeing this place.

Anyways, now

Just put some duct tape on it. Duct tape fixes everything

[that-wierd-guy]

Apparently

Honest to god reaction

I am the eleventh plague that God forgot to send to Egypt

[that-wierd-guy]

Gods, jesus and every fucking angels reaction to you after you were created:

My response:

[that-wierd-guy]

[that-wierd-guy]

Is water a liquid?

I don't know, let me ask it...... Okay, I just asked a glass of water and it said it's a liquid, but only sometimes. Mentioned something about temperatures and a water cycles? I don't know about that stuff, I'm not a scientologist

[that-wierd-guy]

Did you know you can click on a tag and see all the posts that have that tag across a bunch of Tumblr accounts? I used that to look at all my old asks, and while diving deep into the past and seeing the things I have said I've realized something about myself...... I am freaking hilarious! (A little unhinged too but I can live with that)