that-one-tumbler-kid

[that-one-tumbler-kid]

Dear Dairy

I'm still bad at keeping up with things, but maybe that's okay. Perfection has done nothing for me, so maybe if I just keep remembering and writting when I do remember, it will become a habit.

I've got to stop staying in the past to move forward, but in doing that am I abandoning the one who needs help, can I move on with out them happy and healthy? Am I supposed to, I don't want to abandon them. And that's what it feels like I'm doing, how do I move forward, with out feeling like I'm forgetting their struggles, I'd said I'd be there, if I'm not constantly worrying about it as I can't physically be there am I evil, i feel like it, I hate my self for getting a day off and not working about what's going on or how I can help. How do I stop hating my self, when I can't help, if I can't be of service what good am I to anyone. Let alone Roxanne my soul sister, why dose it feel like I'm worthless all the time, I don't think there is a way for me to do more, so why can't I let slef relax.

[that-one-tumbler-kid]

Dear Dairy

Yuel just passed, I have celebrated although it didn't feel worth while in the ways I wanted it to be, but the earth sat still for 3 days, and I fell apart, I don't want to put myself back together, what's the point. Of any of this life with out your people around you.

Work had a Christmas party.... all I was was a free car ride, there is no one around me I can talk with about my problems, or just to talk in general when I need someone there is a million reasons people are busy, good ones even, school, work, studying, grief, or their own horrible situations, or plain and simple they couldn't hold a serious conversation to save life.

I'm alone, and falling apart, I've lost the thing that kept me grounded, I don't want to continue.

I just got out of a serious long term relationship with Theodore who I let shape me into what ever they wanted from me despite what I wanted from life, I avoided losing weight, or getting ahead in life so they could feel good about them selves.

I've lost the 1st and only best friend I'll ever make, the kindest soul dragged threw the worst of this life, someone who always kindly reminded of the bigger picture, or of the stars, planets, coffee, crafts whatever to take my mind off it till I could come to my own conclusions. Roxanne, im sorry, I love you.

My other friends have their own issues and they are not many. 3 pp acutally

The do it yourself, personality with a kind heart but missing on some life lessons to be able to connect other then that shit sucks,

The weeb with eating issues, who can't stop feeling fomo, making the rest of us miss out on them.

And the nerd, probably the one who would understand the best, but would get into trouble trying to fix the issue,.

At my core when I've fallen apart I'm a selfish entity that wants my best friend and doesn't care what it takes, or who it hurts, but when I slowly stitch each part of me back together I remember that I don't matter, and shouldn't dwell on my personal issues no matter how much they tear me apart, because the danger I'll put Roxanne thew isn't worth my life.

My worth is imagined by ever one around me and how they can use me. Except it didn't feel like that with Roxanne it felt like the connection of two of the dammed and lost holding each other up.

I don't want to put my self together, am I aloud to be selfish???

No, that will only hurt Roxanne, (Phillip your mother can't take another heart break)

[that-one-tumbler-kid]

Dear Diary

I have no excuse for why I haven't written, except I've always chosen what is easy when it comes to my slef, I don't matter, so why should I have any dedication to anything I want to do that's just for me. I'll show up for every one else but myself. In other words I'm incredibly lazy.

[that-one-tumbler-kid]

Dear Diary

The Christmas baking is coming along. The amount of batches of stuff I'm making is insane. But that's what happens when you enjoy baking. It's sorta a sad moment, inhad wanted to bake with Roxanne, and for now thats not an option. So it's with a sad heart I bake for every one else. Woth out them by my side. But I'll keep baking as we get closer to the magical day of yeul and Christmas.

[that-one-tumbler-kid]

Dear Diary

I'm lost, my hearts been stolen, by someone I trust, but they are with someone who would kill me given the chance. My warrior sister hidden from me controlled like a puppet once more, actions taken only to hurt me, must I beg, I would too, I've always been to proud to do so, no matter where I was, how it want delt to me no matter how impossible the odds were I never gave in and begged too proud you see. But I'd give my life for them, and that's why they ate being used against me like a handcrafted lock pick specially made to hurt me, open me up and leave me raw. And yet for them I can't give in to the vines that snake around my limbs making each task harder, I can give in to the sludge that makes talking impossible, but I wake up each day from dreams filled with horrible futures, with out them lost to this demon, in so many different way, he took your light and dive once before, what's to say he won't do so again, for right now your strength is staggering, fighting for a spark to burn the kindling, im worried that their powers are of much greater strength. I yearn for my friend, my confidant, buy for now I have to take peace of mind in the fact that we sleep under the same stars, ponder the same questions, and are living the at the same times. I'll take each day as it is and as it comes , but my hope is frail, almost there but not quite. Too pessimistic you'd say, and I'd agree, but all that's left is memories, which don't hold quite the same power at a midnight talk under these very same stars with store bought shity coffee, where the conversation never stops flowing neither dose the time, and as it marches our responsibilities get closer, the next day less sleep, bit a better mind set, more coffee needed , but so much gained from the loss of a few hours.

I miss you Roxanne, im worried about you, but take comfort knowing I won't stop, living. And when we meet again God's will we have a lot to catch up on. It feels like years, but it's not. If you ever find this know I love you, with the purest kind I can create. You are strong and beautiful, and so much more then your situation.

[that-one-tumbler-kid]

As seasons change the fish must migrate.

Prints

[that-one-tumbler-kid]

A Helping Hand

[that-one-tumbler-kid]

Dear Diary,

I've been spending more time with friends because I've lost the ones I held the dearest, Roxanne has their own war to wage. And I've lost the one I go to for reinforcement, I'll have to do it for myself now, and them as well, I miss the coffee runs, the stupid reasons to spend a couple hours together, but I'm still going to do all the things we spoke of, and find a way to share them, it's my hope that they at some point find this little blog and have some good memory to help them going forward. I think that's also why I'm doing this, to remember the good times and remember that you... I still need to live in the bad times, the yin and yang. All I can think of is if I had acted, been, or done different, but as a wise wise person once said, we can't live in the past, I know I won't any more that's Roxanne for you. Not a bone in their body is made to fight until it comes to those they love.

I love and cherish the memories we'veade but I'm selfish I want more, I don't want to lose out on picknicks and book stores, writing fanfiction, sharing our favourite books with each other, and a million other things, crafts and experiences.

So I'll share ever new thing I do accomplish or experience, so that maybe when we meet again it will lessen the time apart.

I'm sad, mad, exhausted and yet still looking for a better future, worrie less Roxanne, I'll become the me you always thought a could be, I'll rehash every lesson and advise you gave me and use it all. Your impact on my life will show forevermore. Here's to a hope that you'll get to see it all happen.

[that-one-tumbler-kid]

Let's list the cast. Fake names obviously it adds to the mystery.

My sister in all but blood (Roxanne) they are an amazing person, and a fiery temper, the way I image the lovely lady of the song was.

My ex. I'd wish to call them voldermort, but that's too harsh, although they do lack morals, they are more like fannon Dumbledore manipulative, tomdore??? No, (Theodore) keeping in mind that despite the innocent facade they are like the love child of the 2 power houses of the serries before harry.

Me called (Harry), and that's not related to the serries.

Various friends to be named

[that-one-tumbler-kid]

Dear Dairy, I'm running late as always, I do need to get better at managing my time. But yet again I've set slef too many tasks in too short of a day to get them all done in such a time frame. Do I do this because I hate my slef? Or because I can't actually gage time? Who knows , not me.

[that-one-tumbler-kid]

How to start, well I guess it's best to go

Dear Diary,

How do I start you off, I think that's one of my issues is a need for perfection, in all areas of my life... from friends to my partner to parents, pets and everything in-between. I've an all or nothing personality, I love with everything I am, I try to be the best version of me at all times, slefless, flawless (though of which I have many), perfect, for everyone and everything around me. But to the reason I'm starting this, I can't journal, and yet on this I can, I can do and undo every error, as I get better on my slef that will change... maybe, but right now I'm hurting live has got me by the balls and is draging me down to hell. I'm changing my mindset, I'm listening to music that makes me want more for my slef for others, music that makes me want to win, instead of drifting on the ocean that is life. I will write in this every day with out fail. I'll post a bunch of progress reports, stupid quotes, videos, memes, honestly anything I feel like, anything that makes living feel better, then it dose right now, for I am afloat on my raft with only one oar having given the other then a dear friend that is here no longer, and to them I quote a book, marry meet, marry part and marry we meet again. You too take like by the balls and fight you hear me. I love you friend and muss you dearly already, but as you said it's only for now, how ever long that may be. I'll see you on the other side of the war. (Hamilton) all my love is and will always be sent to you my sister, friend, confidant, and my equal or better. So this will be the mad ramblings of a mentally touched individual, as i get better , be better, and do better. Stay for awhile, enjoy the show. This is my dairy, call me Harry, or That-One-Tumbler-Kid.