thangam2thangam

[thangam2thangam]

Red eye flights are the worst!

I slept for an hour or so and woke up afraid I’d kiss the flight and now I am so zoned out.

I can’t stop thinking about you. Even when I’m just being, I think of you.

It’s 3:34am and ugh, I am so sleepy and tired.

[thangam2thangam]

Dearest thangam,

I am really going to miss you so much. I already do as I sit here, in the lounge, waiting to board.

In terms of what I meant regarding conversations with her is this: if you wish to distance yourself from someone the less you share is what I was trying to tell you but it came off quite harshly, which I’m not happy about.

You usually don’t sleep early and I wonder why you did - even if you are tired. I hope you are okay. I started worrying about if your feelings got too overwhelmed for you.

Thank you for waking up and telling me to go safe.

I will miss you on Christmas my thangam. I surely will. I wish I could celebrate it with you.

It’s hard to be away from you but I’m in your heart until we meet again thangam.

You’re my heart and soul.

I love you, always my thangam

[thangam2thangam]

[thangam2thangam]

17.12.2024

Dearest thangam,

I can’t believe this is where we are at despite numerous efforts on my part to try and steer our relationship in the healthiest & safest direction.

I am in disbelief at the impact of religious beliefs on your attitude and behaviour toward me and what we share. You feel unrecognizable to me. It hurts me so much to know that this has been weighing on your mind for sometime and you didn’t think to share it with me in a timely way. Instead, despite me saying please don’t upset me as I need to be grounded for amma’s pooja, you decided to share a very difficult truth before you left me.

And it’s not just that, you made me feel like I was asking for too much by first saying “okay let’s not meet” because you made it sound like it was an inconvenience to see me based on how she is going to fuss and fight with you. I then wondered if we could do dinner using my car to which you seemed so reluctant and said you had to be home in case people called so that you can save face. Ultimately, you said it’s because of guilt that you don’t want to do dinner with me but you are okay to spend time with me inside my house.

You didn’t even say despite the guilt, I want to make you happy and yes it’s conflicting but you matter and since you are leaving I want to do dinner with you. Had you even voiced it out like that, I wouldn’t be feeling as distraught as I have been feeling since the entire ordeal.

If this is how you feel about your wedding day, I wonder how you’re going to feel about going ahead with a divorce. It’s natural for me to be worried about my future now, all my worst fears are coming to light due to your beliefs and its impact on your actions and behaviours.

You didn’t even assertively say to her “No I am sorry I am really not interested in celebrating an anniversary when this is how I feel about us. I hope you understand that. No amount of coercion on your part will change my mind.” Instead you just said you’re not sure if you can make it early and you will let her know? When in your text to me you mentioned telling her you had to work till late, you left out the part where you said you will let her know.

If you can’t be straightforward and deal with the consequences now, when are you ever going to fight for us and do what’s needed? The more you practice being assertive and outlining what she can expect, the less uncomfortable you will feel about asking & communicating what you really want to do.

I even asked about your dad’s reactions when he finds out that you want out of your marriage and be with me. You confidently said you will deal with it and do what you want. But you can’t even seem to take me out for a romantic dinner on your wedding day because of your religious beliefs? I didn’t ask you to get married to me on the same day or demand for you to stay the night.

I have decided that i will not keep in touch with you unless I really can start to trust your intentions with me again.

[thangam2thangam]

The truth is, I never want to let you go. Even when I say we should take some space, we should end, we should take a break, I never fully mean it.

It’s out of pain, self-respect and self-preservation that I suggest it.

Give me a week of intentional, mindful actions and you will recognise the difference.

I work so hard on myself, on how to better help you so you can help me, because I want us to grow, thrive & flourish.

I want us to remain us, thangams united.

[thangam2thangam]

32 Things I love About you:

1. Your humour (yes I actually despite certain inappropriate timing of jokes)

2. Your wide & cutest smile

3. The way your breath smells in the evenings

4. Your love for Thalivar & Thalapathy

5. Your kind efforts with my fur babies

6. Your taste in music

7. Your ethnicity

8. Your language skills

9. Your hard work ethic

10. Your shoulders

11. Your chest

12. Your core

13. Your bum bum

14. The way you love me

15. The way you show me love when we are together

16. Your kisses

17. How your fingers gently grace my skin

18. Your natural smell

19. Your beautiful phallic shaped appendage

20. Your creativity

21. Your kindness

22. The sound of your laughter

23. Your love for Thai food & seafood and spicy Korean Ramen

24. Your love for Laksa Noodle soup & sweet corn crab soup

25. The sound of your heartbeat

26. Your heart

27. Your serenading voice when you sing “En Kadhale”

28. That you call me “Azhaghi, En Kadhali, Uyir & Adiyeh”

29. That you kiss my boo boos & ooo ahhs

30. That you are proud of me & when you say you are proud of me

31. You ask me how I am - specifically in regard to certain situations

32. You use your textual communication to show love

Most importantly, I love you, for you. In all your darkness & light, your cracks & soft edges.

[thangam2thangam]

Introspection, Reflection, Contemplation, Correction

I R C C

Try it out; you may see a whole new world

[thangam2thangam]

[thangam2thangam]

And just like that,

Lovers to strangers.

Did I dream it all?

The dreamer in me led astray by my naivety

How do I move?

Where do I go?

[thangam2thangam]

You should know that I am still hurting from all the pain your actions have caused me and change the way you talk to me as opposed to getting triggered each time my tone is not what you want it to be

You are so easily triggered by my tone without making space in your heart for the damage you’ve caused me

I mean you literally stood me up. You didn’t even communicate wit me that you can’t make it. You didn’t even think to let me know

I wpunt text someone who said I can’t meet your needs, and left me in distress yet again in the morning yesterday

And you expect me to text and ask if you’re coming to see me like I’m some needy piece of shit?

I have told you that I feel alone in how I feel toward you and how much I am prioritizing growing this relationship.

And yet again you keep doing things to make me feel so alone. You say the wrong things to make me feel worse about where I am in life already

Why would I do that? It’s on you to make things right. To apologize sincerely and with love and understanding, Which you’re doing nothing of

I cried so much after you hung up last night. I howled and sobbed and cried and I had only myself to soothe me. Do you know what that feels like?

I have done nothing but love you and tried my best to be as honest about my struggles with you and told you what kind of support I need. You say I’m never too much or that I’m not a bother

But when you act like this I feel like I’m the biggest burden in your life and I get ready to walk away Just because you don’t feel emotions as intensely as I do doesn’t mean I should be deprived of love and understanding

You keep gaslighting and gaslighting rejecting my reality and wanting to only put your version of what happened across

You can’t afford to always shut down this way and treat me so badly because things get overwhelming. Use your reflection to put emotions & thoughts together

You were so inconsiderate that you didn’t even call me back after we hung up the way we did to even check on me when you know all these issues are taking place because of your circumstances. Therefore it is not on me to fix or resolve, it is on you to do so.

So far you’ve done nothing to mend or resolve anything.

And yes you shouldn’t have called. I can’t metaphorically shout and fight so much to be loved and attended to by someone.

You were done yesterday weren’t you? You said we both agreed to leave then why are you calling me.

I guess you really pick and choose who to be human with. Because you’re married to her and god is involved she deserves a decent explanation and closure

But for me, because I’m a sinner & a tramp in the eyes of god, I deserve nothing less than a simple “yes so we agreed to leave each other & because of that I thought we weren’t seeing each other”

It takes me so much reserve and strength to get my head into a place where I need to focus on my work. But none of those things matter to you

Your love is a lie.

[thangam2thangam]

Have you ever met someone and felt safe and warm in their presence?

Have you ever met someone and wished to include them in dinner or social meet up plans with friends?

Have you ever met someone who made your belly laugh?

Have you ever met someone and felt the need to care & nurture them?

[thangam2thangam]

I check to see if you’ve messaged me every 15-30 minutes.

I can’t focus on my tasks at hand.

I miss you, my heart & soul.

The only thangam I will ever know & love.

I know I said we should part ways,

I still believe it is the best thing we can do for each other

But, expressing our love for each other is the greatest thing we can do for each other too.

Where do we go from here?

Will faith or fate intervene? Are they one & the same?

I love you.

Leave if you have to.

Maybe we were never meant to be.

But it hurts to think that too.

Stay,

Stay with me, stay in the here & now, safely nestled in my heart, in my embrace as I kiss your mess away.

Don’t go.

Be mine, be mine, too.

I love you.

[thangam2thangam]

If only you could see,

The fire that burns within me.

The crash & peak that defines my reality,

the cacophony of self-devaluation.

If only you could hear,

The way my anguish wails,

The chaotic noise inside my head,

The screams & cries for help.

If only, I exist as me, without my dread.

[thangam2thangam]

A fading cloud, passes by.

I close my eyes and see a ray of light.

The ray of light becomes you.

Yes, you.

My heart & soul.

My beautiful heart.

You accept me in your heavenly embrace

You bless me with ethereal kisses from your lips

You breathe into me, your fiery air

I let go.

I am floating now.

I feel myself lift off the ground

I fly higher & higher

I gaze at you & say “thank you for a love I never thought I deserved or could receive in this lifetime”.

The fading cloud, fades further, until nothing is left behind.

[thangam2thangam]

You did not mention that it was “critical” when I agreed to take you to RMV. You just looked uncomfortable like you usually do when I offer to do things for you. So I had no indication whatsoever of anything at work being “critical”

Yes you did mention that you’ve barely had time to do any “work” because you’d been commuting back & forth. My apologies for not being smart enough to connect the dots.

I may have missed something you were trying to convey but on the other hand, one can argue that the message was not clearly conveyed by you.

It’s something I’ve noticed about you, when it’s high stress you forget to take a moment to communicate and maybe you can’t even take a moment to gather your thoughts enough to communicate.

I will have to learn to adapt to these novel situations as we go along. It’s all I seem to do, adapt.

[thangam2thangam]

An empty cocoon,

Where once there was swoon.

Hearts afar,

Pain renders scars.

What may be,

Is for us to see.

For now,

An empty cocoon,

Where once there was swoon.