tflowers0905

[tflowers0905]

Ssnrg

2 Anons in 1...

So in my inbox, I’ve had 2 anons that I thought would be easier to answer in one; 

1. Am I a gold-star lesbian?

2. What do I identify as?

I previously did identify as a lesbian, although I wasn’t gold-star. However, recently, I have realized that I am in fact bisexual and am now in a very happy relationship with my boyfriend.

I’d also like to say to all my beautiful followers, men, women, enbies and everybody else that sexuality can be fluid and sometimes coming out multiple times can be quite difficult, uncomfortable or awkward; I know my 2nd one was.

Much love,

lgbt-aesthetic-20018

[tflowers0905]

Miwok 100k - 62.2 miles—our 1st 100k- How to start but a crazy, beautiful, exhilarating, exhausting, humbling, empowering journey. 5 am - a kiss to my husband - wishing our traditional good luck before we start- headlamps On- 5,4,3,2,1- Run - it begins- hard left, barely a quarter mile, another hard left & the infamous Dipsea trail begins- up up & up the never ending dirt deep gnarly steps...a whole new meaning to a stair master. No question the longest 2.8 miles to Cardiac hill-soon to be greeted by the bag pipes playing in the distance-what a welcome sight & seriously a slight piece of heaven. Ok this was worth the climb. 59ish more miles to go...on to the first aide station, for every down was a new up, into Tennessee valley to see the crew daughter Sydney, son JJ, & my friend & pacer Val, mile 13- Comfortably ahead of the cutoff. Back out & running left turn, up,up,& up again...to what was the most breathtaking view-the Golden Gate Bridge to my left- you could hear so many just saying “wow” amazing...it was easy to forget for a moment of the grind uphill- finally to the next station 18.6...pickles - never tried it but I ate 3 of them- refilled my water - took a PB&j & off again I went. Now ready to round back down to Tennessee valley to my crew once again...had to charge my watch -too long of a pit stop - mile 26 - off to Muir Beach - more stairs - breathtaking views- I learn later maybe I spent a little too much time enjoying them, though I kept in motion, last time to see my crew before I would pick up my pacer Val at 49ish miles- what was to be the longest part of my race- 30 miles, I learned our friend Phil was close to the cutoff—not sure if he was still on the trail—onto another grind to Cardiac Hill 1:45pm cutoff -35.5 miles came in at 1:10pm never though the cutoffs would become an issue. The next 6.7 though a challenge, spirits were good, but the single track was intense with the most desolate part of the trail switch backs for days. Finally a gate Randall aid station, 6.7 more I get to see my family, my crew hopefully see my husband along the way, & pick up my pacer- I turned my phone on to send a message I was on my way, to learn our friend Phil missed the cutoff by 6 minutes at Cardiac hill- doubts crept in-I was lonely at this point, I had fought off lows, kept my smile, shed only a few tears, but reminded myself constantly during these miles the pain was temporary, moving forward my only option, no question I was hurting but nothing too badly to not move forward. The last 3 miles seemed like an eternity, ran the down walked the up...everyone on the trail seemed spent, I was honestly looking for a smiling face, thinking I would see my husbands any moment, & irrational thoughts that something had gone wrongs as I should have seen him, finally my husbands pacer Maurice,our family friend, a quick hug, where is my husband? Is he hurt? No, he is at the aide station he said he is done. I said no let go- finally in the aide station- 49.9 miles-Maurice’s wife my dear friend Shelley & Sydney - what can I do, what do you need, I could honestly barely mutter a word Shelley just took off my pack & said “I got this.” I went to my husband -“What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” He said “No, I am just done- we are not going to make the cutoff”, I said “Yes we still have time & no quitting, c’mon love let’s go let’s finish this only 13 more miles ”. Maurice his pacer quickly realized he was dehydrated, My pacer Val turned us around quickly - let’s go- we had 2 hours to make the first 6.1 miles- we ran the down, walked the up - finally to Randall - Val saying “You have literally gone further than you ever have”- yes- I thought -almost 53 miles -Maurice literally singing a Marine song & words of encouragement the whole way. Strangers making comment of how encouraging it was to hear. Made the final cutoff 6.2 left to go. My husband got his second wind, they were off. Maurice said “This is like home”, the fog had rolled in, it was getting cold, I had my second doubts creep in as I knew it was getting dark-& I knew steep cliff sides were covered by that fog. We left the last aide station with no headlamps. But all we could do was forge ahead. Maurice & my husband I could hear but we were about to dive into the trees, to cover what was left of the sunlight-it was 7:45pm- 15 minute miles less than 3 miles left or so we thought. I hear Tammy you got this, you will make it. It’s the sweepers- (as I said humbling)-other sweepers run up past us to get who else it still on the hill. Never did I think I would not make the cutoff time. I thought of my children,hoping they were proud- after what has been the most dark times in their lives- I was running for myself, but for them more so-to show them we keep going, even when it hurts or you are unsure. And indeed now I was unsure but I knew I would get there. Even with my fear of not having the best sight at night. The next 2 miles the longest of these 62+ miles -we ran down twisted roots & switchbacks, more Dipsea stairs-but short quick & nasty. The kindness of one of the sweepers behind me- I fell- a few times -she said you are ok, take my headlamp, your almost there. Val’s constant words of encouragement pushing me forward - I put the headlamp on took a left turn should have gone right- bam- hit my head on a fallen tree not once but twice- knocked me down. Val said are you ok? I said yes, got up, have to keep going. We were down to 5 minutes-thought we had a 1/2 mile but we had a bit more. I heard tears in Val’s voice saying “Run!! Just go! You can make it!” I tried so hard to get the cutoff, hoping my husband was already at the finish. Then we slowed, I knew the time had passed. And I heard, “Is that my parental?” I cried, “Yes baby”- it was Sydney with a flashlight and our friend Phil. She grabbed my hand, held it most of the way, “I am so proud of you momma- c’mon we are almost there- you just ran 62 miles”- I said “Thank you that means more than I can say” my whole heart meant that- as any sense of defeat turned to triumph-I was at best sobbing (sounds pathetic but true) she ran down with me to the finish line holding my hand- let go- still so many there & cheering. I crossed the finish line. My husband on the other said, grabbed my face - “I could not have imagined doing this with anyone else, thank you” My son, a huge hug waiting and the biggest “I love you.” Our family, our friends, my coach, the kindness, the overall amazing energy & love. So- end game- I missed the cutoff for a ticket for western states by about 11 minutes- my husband by only 2 minutes -but we did what we set out to do for the most part, we ran 62.2 plus miles that day- our first 100k & I felt more gratitude, humbleness, & really achievement than I can explain. How lucky of a day? Extremely so, & of course lessons for the next time. A little less dilly & dally at those aide stations. But an accomplished day no less. One for the record books...15:41- waiting on officials time-until the next time... Run’in DUN 🙌🏼 #enjoythebjourney #miwok100k