textsicantsendhim

[textsicantsendhim]

I hope you’re okay. I’m okay too. I’ve found someone and I’m doing really well. I don’t love you anymore. I feel free.

[textsicantsendhim]

I was picking for an order at work and they wanted a pack of boxers and I found your boxers lmao like I saw a pack of Hanes and I thought “hey those look familiar” and it’s because they’re yours. I recognized all five pairs and it was funny for a second and then it hurt. What a weird thing to hurt.

[textsicantsendhim]

wish I could go a single day without thinking about you. still after all this time I can’t go a single fucking day without thinking about you. just let me go

[textsicantsendhim]

I watched a video on my phone with you in it and I heard your voice and I didn’t realize how much that mattered. Like, I can look at pictures of you and I can think of you and imagine you but hearing your voice, even if it’s a video from a while ago, it’s so much more real. You’re a real person again. It hurt and I wish I hadn’t played it and I want you all over again.

[textsicantsendhim]

I snapped at our friend today because I asked how you seemed when she saw you and she told me “he’s doing his best. I don’t feel right reporting on your goings to him, I can’t do it the other way around. he’s doing his best, is all I can say”. I told her I wasn’t asking for a report and later told her not to assume I needed her to tell me about you, that I talked to you myself.

I was so angry, so upset. In my deepest gut, I hated her for saying so. Because it made me feel like I was losing you as my best friend, and me as yours. I wanted to tell her “you will never know him as I have known him, you will never know him as well as I do” but the thing is that it might not be true.

She hasn’t experienced you in the same way as I have, but that doesn’t mean that now or in the future she is not closer to him or his confidante. He doesn’t speak to me anymore, hardly ever does. I have to initiate it.

Him becoming closer to someone else has occurred to me, but him becoming closer to a mutual friend than he is to me, I didn’t realize that could/probably would happen. And it hurts worse than I could have imagined.

[textsicantsendhim]

To be completely honest, I’m not sure I even want you. It’s like, I want that attraction, I want that physical intimacy, and that emotional connection. But I’m not interested in anyone right now. And I don’t feel like looking around, it’s not something I’m interested in finding. But I still want that stuff, and I had a person, and it was all so effortless. So I just want you because that’s easy.

[textsicantsendhim]

I hope you don’t think I’m rubbing it in that I’m here or anything cause that’s like the opposite because I’m not rubbing it in I’m trying to share. Because I miss you. Because it’s weird that you’re not here. Because I wish you were. Because everything here reminds me of you so fucking bad it hurts and I don’t know how to make it stop.

[textsicantsendhim]

I know there are lots of reasons we didn’t work but rn I don’t care. You made me laugh and smile and it was Real. I never felt annoyed around you. I never got tired of being around you, like I do nearly everyone else. You were my person. Everything felt so easy and natural. I’m scared of being alone but I’m scared I’ll never find someone that makes me feel that way again.

[textsicantsendhim]

You know I would’ve got bored of you. Eventually. I would’ve got bored because I always do if you had just given me the chance. Your mistake was being an asshole. If you really had wanted to get rid of me you would’ve treated me well and I’d’ve left on own lmao. Once I fully receive the attention I want, I leave, I cop out. But I never really got that from you. There was always uncertainty. That was the problem cause I just tried harder, just wanted you more.

[textsicantsendhim]

And like yeah I’m sure there will be other people that I will be close to, that I will connect with, that I will love. Other people who will probably be better for me anyway. But I don’t want to find another person. I don’t need that. I found my person and I want my person and I love my person and I want to be with my person.

But my person doesn’t want to be with me.

[textsicantsendhim]

You’re my person. That’s what’s upsetting, you know? We have so much in common, which is part of the problem of course. But like we have So Much in common. We like the same things, the same movies, the same music, the same fucking career paths. What if I don’t meet someone else like you?

And sure, there are ways we don’t match up. Nothing’s perfect. But we could be close I think? If we each just put in the tiniest bit of effort, if you just let yourself feel things. Maybe it could work and we could be each other’s people.

[textsicantsendhim]

I wore your flannel about four days before I sent it out, that’s why it smelled like me. I slept in it, I used it as a pillow case, I rubbed my face on the collar. I washed it in my detergent and then I took a shower and dried my hair with it so it would smell like my shampoo. I did it on purpose because I wanted you to feel the way I felt, even just a little. I’m sorry.

I’m more sorry I think what it did to me. Because you sent me a picture of it captioned “it smells like you”. And that fucking crushed me. It would have been enough to just know it would smell like me, I already knew that, I made sure it happened. But that you acknowledged it. Why did you have to say anything?

And you didn’t say what I wanted anyway. I know what you meant was “I miss you” but you didn’t say that, you just said some vague fucking thing. I don’t know if “I miss you” would’ve hurt more or less.

I miss you. I was doing good. I am doing good, still, this just sets me back a bit. Because I meant for you to miss me. What does that mean about me?

[textsicantsendhim]

I’m like “omg you’re the only one who gets me” but like ??? I’m fucked up? The things that “only you” get about me is because you are fucked up too? Why would my heart go out and be like “yup that’s it that’s the one” because you can relate to things because you are also Fucked Up? What an idiot I am?

[textsicantsendhim]

If you could just take your head out of your ass for one fucking second and realize you love me too. If you could just gain even the slightest emotional maturity, just be introspective for a single minute. I’m tired of “I care about you so much it scares the shit out of me”. I’m fucking FUCKING tired of “I’m scared of feelings and commitment so I just self sabotage every real connection I have”. Just Stop! Please just stop! Please just let yourself love me. Please just love me.

[textsicantsendhim]

I miss you. I love you. I want you.

[textsicantsendhim]

I do so fucking good every day and as soon as I have one single drink all I want is to text you

[textsicantsendhim]

every day it’s easier and easier not to text you but that just makes me more scared that I’ll lose you