tetayedaedae

[tetayedaedae]

I forgot you actually hate me

[tetayedaedae]

I want to kill myself.

[tetayedaedae]

I don’t like the fact that my parent indirectly hates me, I don’t like the fact that who I am is an error to them I don’t want to debate my existence as a queer person to them I don’t want to have to defend myself against them, Why does my parents hate me…

[tetayedaedae]

I think accepting that what happened in my childhood is worse than what I remember would do a lot of dammage to me and that why I’m not ready for therapy

[tetayedaedae]

My art is not good I should shut the fuck up

[tetayedaedae]

I'm tired to always feel bad about myself because I know that stupid and so that make me stupid. People are dying, people are living horror and I am feeling like shit for nothing but myself. I'm unngrateful and I could do so much better but I never change I always repeat eberything I do, everything I say, I'm an annoying record on repeat that annoying itself.

[tetayedaedae]

I always blame maybe neurodivergence because that the safest scapegoat but what if

What if i was just terrible at being a person and I was better off dead ? What if

[tetayedaedae]

I think my dad just called me a dumb bitch and i can’t help but believe that he’s right

[tetayedaedae]

I feel jealous but at least this time i truly feel happy for the person i’m jealous about.

[tetayedaedae]

Je suis une merde

[tetayedaedae]

Being no one’s favorite and constantly remember that no one truly loves me like they love the people they know and spend time with and learn about and discover and i’m here remembering that i was never special and will never be.

I can be a good friend but even at this i suck so mich i’m as average as a friend could be.

Of course no one can love me i can’t even love myself because of how self centered and shity i am deep down

« I scrapped my knee » ok bitch no one cares, no one can care about you like you wish someone would because you are so no worth it

[tetayedaedae]

Aaaaand it’s that time where brain is being a dick and blocking any emotional logic to make it feel i am disliked by everyone or will be disliked by everyone to the point i have to ask myself « would people be sad if i died? » and cry in the shower yaaaaaay ( i also regret every word that I say and have the urge to erase every message i writte because it feels pathetic)

Everything i do is laughable, I am not a good or great person and i am alone like the trash that i try to hide.

[tetayedaedae]

J’en ai marre j’en ai marre j’en ai marre j’en ai marre

RAS LE CUL

« Tu viens ce soir ? » « demain matin » « on va à st prix » « t’a un prof absent ce jour la » CHIER

VA CHIER

Je sais que on veut me voir que ça vien d’un bon sentiment mais j’en ai mega marre que mon temps libre sois contrôlé par mon daron dès la second où il peut me chopper ÇA ME SOULE ET ÇA ME FAIT CHIER J’EN AI MARRE JE VEUX PAS ÊTRE AVEC EUX JE VEUX PAS RESTER LÀ BAS J’EN AI MARRE ET J’EN AI MARRE JE VEUX PAS PARLER RELIGION GENRE OU JE SAIS QUEL CONNERIE OU JE SUIS PAS AU BON NIVEAU

Je suis MAL À L’AISE JE VEUX PAS Y ALLER

[tetayedaedae]

Today felt like november and it felt like pain and how lonely i really am and how much of a pussy i am and how i can’t even express an opinion without fear because i have such a dumb fucking brain that it believes everyone i love will eventualy hate or leave me and that a lot of people already did and will continue to because i’m not a good daughter or a good sister or a good friend or good for anything.

I searched about killing myself tonight

What’s wrong with me

[tetayedaedae]

I feel like i want my body to die and rot but i'm scared of death

I just want things to stop and for the sadness and the guilt to be alive to go.

I am mediocre at best, not a good student and never was, not a good daughter and never was, i am not a horrible friend but i know i was and i feel terrible and i am scarred knowing it can hurt again. I am not particulary good in what i like, not enough to be able to feel confortable with it and maybe help me.

I'm pathetic, i feel pathetic and because some facts about how pathetic i am are true i can't even brush it off as feeling shity, i am and facing it hurt.

I want to be better but i don't try and everyone is evolving, getting better or happier and i am stuck on my stupid empty brain.

[tetayedaedae]

I hate men i hate my dad

Hate is not the right word because i do not hate him, he disgusted me in a sentiment that feels like hate and betrayal. This past few days of remarks about me growing up being a woman, my faith, invalidating my emotions, pushing me into futur, you are an adult now but i was a kid Yesterday.

Something broke and now i feel unsafe, unsafe because with all his discours i know that if i was not his dausghter my dad would not love me. I am against his faith, his view of life and he has been pretending for so long that now i get it all in my face. I don't want to be "awake" i don't want to become a prude woman to think of husband kids and life, i want to feel alive and he scares me to be.

In his eyes all i do is futile i am waisiting my life and now i have religious guilt. I always believed in god, i always feared it i always tried to pursue nice values but with all they said i feel unloved and guilty of being who i am. I feel hated.

[tetayedaedae]

Everyone is screaming again and now he's mad