tetayedaedae - Tumblr blog

[tetayedaedae]

I think accepting that what happened in my childhood is worse than what I remember would do a lot of dammage to me and that why I’m not ready for therapy

[tetayedaedae]

My art is not good I should shut the fuck up

[tetayedaedae]

I'm tired to always feel bad about myself because I know that stupid and so that make me stupid. People are dying, people are living horror and I am feeling like shit for nothing but myself. I'm unngrateful and I could do so much better but I never change I always repeat eberything I do, everything I say, I'm an annoying record on repeat that annoying itself.

[tetayedaedae]

I always blame maybe neurodivergence because that the safest scapegoat but what if

What if i was just terrible at being a person and I was better off dead ? What if

[tetayedaedae]

I think my dad just called me a dumb bitch and i can’t help but believe that he’s right

[tetayedaedae]

I feel jealous but at least this time i truly feel happy for the person i’m jealous about.

[tetayedaedae]

Je suis une merde

[tetayedaedae]

Being no one’s favorite and constantly remember that no one truly loves me like they love the people they know and spend time with and learn about and discover and i’m here remembering that i was never special and will never be.

I can be a good friend but even at this i suck so mich i’m as average as a friend could be.

Of course no one can love me i can’t even love myself because of how self centered and shity i am deep down

« I scrapped my knee » ok bitch no one cares, no one can care about you like you wish someone would because you are so no worth it

[tetayedaedae]

Aaaaand it’s that time where brain is being a dick and blocking any emotional logic to make it feel i am disliked by everyone or will be disliked by everyone to the point i have to ask myself « would people be sad if i died? » and cry in the shower yaaaaaay ( i also regret every word that I say and have the urge to erase every message i writte because it feels pathetic)

Everything i do is laughable, I am not a good or great person and i am alone like the trash that i try to hide.

[tetayedaedae]

J’en ai marre j’en ai marre j’en ai marre j’en ai marre

RAS LE CUL

« Tu viens ce soir ? » « demain matin » « on va à st prix » « t’a un prof absent ce jour la » CHIER

VA CHIER

Je sais que on veut me voir que ça vien d’un bon sentiment mais j’en ai mega marre que mon temps libre sois contrôlé par mon daron dès la second où il peut me chopper ÇA ME SOULE ET ÇA ME FAIT CHIER J’EN AI MARRE JE VEUX PAS ÊTRE AVEC EUX JE VEUX PAS RESTER LÀ BAS J’EN AI MARRE ET J’EN AI MARRE JE VEUX PAS PARLER RELIGION GENRE OU JE SAIS QUEL CONNERIE OU JE SUIS PAS AU BON NIVEAU

Je suis MAL À L’AISE JE VEUX PAS Y ALLER

[tetayedaedae]

Today felt like november and it felt like pain and how lonely i really am and how much of a pussy i am and how i can’t even express an opinion without fear because i have such a dumb fucking brain that it believes everyone i love will eventualy hate or leave me and that a lot of people already did and will continue to because i’m not a good daughter or a good sister or a good friend or good for anything.

I searched about killing myself tonight

What’s wrong with me

[tetayedaedae]

I feel like i want my body to die and rot but i'm scared of death

I just want things to stop and for the sadness and the guilt to be alive to go.

I am mediocre at best, not a good student and never was, not a good daughter and never was, i am not a horrible friend but i know i was and i feel terrible and i am scarred knowing it can hurt again. I am not particulary good in what i like, not enough to be able to feel confortable with it and maybe help me.

I'm pathetic, i feel pathetic and because some facts about how pathetic i am are true i can't even brush it off as feeling shity, i am and facing it hurt.

I want to be better but i don't try and everyone is evolving, getting better or happier and i am stuck on my stupid empty brain.

[tetayedaedae]

I hate men i hate my dad

Hate is not the right word because i do not hate him, he disgusted me in a sentiment that feels like hate and betrayal. This past few days of remarks about me growing up being a woman, my faith, invalidating my emotions, pushing me into futur, you are an adult now but i was a kid Yesterday.

Something broke and now i feel unsafe, unsafe because with all his discours i know that if i was not his dausghter my dad would not love me. I am against his faith, his view of life and he has been pretending for so long that now i get it all in my face. I don't want to be "awake" i don't want to become a prude woman to think of husband kids and life, i want to feel alive and he scares me to be.

In his eyes all i do is futile i am waisiting my life and now i have religious guilt. I always believed in god, i always feared it i always tried to pursue nice values but with all they said i feel unloved and guilty of being who i am. I feel hated.

[tetayedaedae]

Everyone is screaming again and now he's mad

[tetayedaedae]

My dad came into my room

I feel terrible about myself and i'm not telling him so her end up hurting me with his words but he can't know what if makes me feel if i'm honnest. The thing is, i am not ready to be honest with him about how i feel because i'll feel so guilty and i don't want that. I don't want him or anyone sharing my life daily to look at me like a kicked dog or something so pathetic. I don't want people to think i'm pathetic, i already feel it myself too much.

[tetayedaedae]

Just ignored my friend's text

I always feel terrible that my best friend and i slowly lost contact and that she forgot many time to even text me in situations that were so important (hospital sejour twice or my birthday) and now that she does send me a message i ignored it. I'm feeling like shit and life turned in a way that i'm not confortable being emotionaly honest with her. I know that if i do she won't be able to support me and i don't blame her, that how she is, i just know there is no need confide to someone who would not do the same to you. I know we like each other,

[tetayedaedae]

Gonna use this tumblr to vent

I fucking hate myself tonight. I gare that i looked up online and saw all those people that i felt like friends, celebrating the birthday of someone who hurted me when they forgot mine. I hate that i know if people had to choose between me and someone else they would choose someone else because so many did. I hate the fact that i'm such a disapointment to people who wants to help me and then a sweet angel and good friend in other's eyes, it makes me feel guilty and i don't believe i'm really good even if people tell me i am. I want to be liked but every time i'm told i am i feel empty and guilty for liking attention. Everytime i want to be nice with someone else i feel like a two face bitch trying to buy other's people opinion on me like a desperate dog who whimp so you would pay attention to it. I try to be but i fail in being a good daughter, a good sister or a good friend. I don't do enough effort and then cry about my life when i only have myself, but even in front of myself i just cry and hate myself for not doing better, for not get over things everyone moved from, for not being honest about how fucking bad i feel and how i don't want to admit that deep down i'm not good. I am not a bad person, i believe and wish i'm not that a bad person, but that dosen't make me a good person nevertheless. I'm getting older but i just feel like i'm growing into a more pathetic and rotten version of myself. I don't want to feel myself but that the easy solution to avoid evetything, i do it all the time.

06/05/23 02:07

I started crying arround 00:40