testosterone-diaries

[testosterone-diaries]

Sometimes I think living in our bodies the way that we do, and finding comfort in them the way that we might and hopefully do, must be like living in a country where no one speaks our language, and then sometimes we stumble across someone else who does, and we might be so excited to finally find that understanding with someone. It doesn’t matter so much if they come and go, or if they stay and keep us company, and maybe eventually we learn the language of the country alongside our brothers and sisters who are in the same place.. it just matters that no matter what we do, we exist, we survive. We find ourselves in a world where it can feel like no one knows our language but we are able to find hope and comfort in that world all the same, and I think that that's pretty incredible.

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How do you tell someone that you don’t want to live and die this way?

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The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.

Charles Bukowski

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Hey all, sorry for my lack of posting in the last several months!

Quick updates, if anyone is interested: my chest is healing well, much much better than expected. It’s been a little over 5 months since surgery (December 22, 2017) and I’m still a little swollen, the scars haven’t settled into themselves yet either, some parts look really thin, like someone drew on me with a fine-tipped red pen, but other parts are more like a kid drawing with thick red felt, but the lines are good and even and I’m okay with them being a little rough looking yet, they just need some time. I have an appointment with a dermatologist in July to see if he can do anything with them - he’s mentioned that he does laser scar removal and would be willing and able to do that for me if I wanted, but that was before surgery and I’m kind of nervous about it, but I figured a consultation isn’t a bad idea either way. I worry it might seem like I’m cheating to have them removed like that, but I don’t think that it’s right for me to hold that pressure on myself to have scars that make me self-conscious just because someone somewhere someday might think that I cheated the system by getting them dealt with rather than waiting and hoping for them to go away on their own, or doing the usual post-op care (which I definitely have done a ton of - polysporin, by the way, is fantastic for post-op healing - some of my stitches didn’t want to dissolve and tried to cause problems, but polysporin fixed that right up, and I’m in the middle of testing if prescription strength hydro-cortisone does anything good for them as well, if anyone wondered). (PS, fuck you anxiety because you’re an asshole for making me feel like an asshole for wanting to let the dermatologist work his magic on my scars).

Aside from the scarring, things are mostly okay with my chest - a little swollen, but range of motion is good. I can feel lumps of scar tissue under my arms if I run my fingers under the skin, and under my right side it still tends to swell randomly, not sure what that’s about. But that one I think has always been a little weird somehow, and I’m sure it’ll balance out eventually.

I’m still waiting and wishing that I had some feeling in my chest besides that awful tingly feeling like when my arms or legs/feet go to sleep.. fuck, when I was a kid that used to happen really bad and I remember once at a school choir thing, my classmates and I had to sit on the floor, and when it was our turn to go up to sing our part, my foot had fallen asleep, and I didn’t know how bad it was and fell flat on my ass in front of the whole school, it was awful and embarrassing and painful when it woke up, and even though I know probably no one really saw it except the people nearest me, it was not a good moment for me. My chest isn’t fully like that, it’s more like a mix of sleeping limbs and the frozen feeling in your face after the dentist does whatever, I’m childish and generally kind of touch/poke at my face when I leave the dentist to make sure it’s still there, but my chest has that same numb/tingle to it even though it’s been quite a long time, and I don’t know if that’ll go away or not, I guess it must be on its way out because it’s not really as bad as it was before? It’s just like they did an extremely heavy dose of dentist stuff, but for my chest, and it’s taken my chest ages to work it out because it doesn’t do as much movements as my mouth does, I suppose.

Anyway! Chest is good, healing will happen eventually, exercise is not a friend of it yet (because whenever I’ve tried, it swells up really bad for a couple days, and then eventually mellows out, not to mention how BAD it hurt the first few times I tried! So I kind of gave up on that since, but I’ll probably try to get back to it this fall, I think, or maybe sooner, we’ll see).

Other transition stuff: hormone injections are soon to be a thing of the past for me, because the needles have started causing so much stress and anxiety, not to mention pain, that my doctor and I have agreed, and so has my insurance, thankfully, that it’s time for me to switch to an alternate form. I’m just waiting out this last dose before switching to patches hopefully next Tuesday, so that should be interesting! Anyone else have experience with the patches, or with switching to patches after having been on the shots for a bit? February was my two years, but it’ll be good to have a change, I think. 

Sorry for the length of this post, this is really really long! I might try to come back on here a little more now if things slow down or I have more time. Thank you to those of you who stuck around, I hope you are doing well!

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13 days post-op

My left side is healing much more quickly than my right, it seems - better range of motion, more feeling seems to be returning, nipple graft is holding better, and steristrips loosening more quickly. All in all though, both sides are healing much more quickly and easily than I had expected, and I'm so so glad that things are progressing. They told me if the steristrips are halfway off I can just pull them off, but I'm not ready for that yet, so I'm just cutting off the loose pieces as they happen, and trying not to touch the parts that seem close to coming off but aren't quite there yet. I do think that all things considered, they probably are okay to come off, but I don't want to rush any stage of healing or freak myself out right now by seeing parts of the healing that weren't ready for exposure.

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Ah shit I feel like this is when the discomfort/achiness sets in from surgery.. 8 days post-op though, and I got to see my chest for the first time this morning! It feels so surreal still..

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6 days post-op

Still all bandaged and guazed because I'm out of the country - I flew two days after surgery and holy shit I'm so glad I was able to.

I haven't been in any pain or anything really, except this sharp pain just above all the taping and numbness, that started yesterday. It comes and goes a little but reminds me of stepping hard on a thistle with bare feet, but on my chest. The rest of it just tingles a little when I poke at it, but I'm trying to be gentle and leave it alone.

It's weird to not know what my chest looks like anymore, like I have no idea where my scars are, or my nipples for that matter, or even what size they are. Or what size my chest is either, now that I think about it.

I'm so grateful still too though to know that it doesn't hurt or feel like anything for the moment - obviously I hope that with time I'll regain feeling in my chest, but for now I'm more concerned with how everything is settling in, avoiding infection, etc.

I still have the two drains in, and one is for sure ready to come out but the other is still working on things and is slightly above max fluid level for removal. Saturday I have a post op appointment with a plastic surgeon at the hospital, and it sounds like he and my surgeon have some sort of relationship/communication, enough that it makes sense to me to feel comfortable with this one as well. I have a post-op with my surgeon in mid-January, just to check in and make sure things are still running smoothly, and in March I might see my dermatologist about the scars to see what he things of removing them for me, as this is something he has expressed interest and comfort in doing, should it be something I choose.

I'm still blown away that this really happened for me, excited and awed and a little scared. I want to see it, but I'm terrified at the same time. I'm relieved it's done but the wrappings and bandages and drains all make it feel a little like binding and a lot surreal. It can't really be something I chose, can it? But it is, and today I am grateful for my decisions and the decisions of those involved to proceed with the surgery. There has not been a lot of doubt over if this is the right decision, and I believe that time will solidify it even further.

I can't wait to get these wraps off and finally see my chest Saturday!

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8:38 AM

I am out of surgery, it started a little under 24 hours ago. I was in the hospital until about 6 PM trying to break free of the anaesthesia sickness, but it's been and gone a few more times still since getting back home.

I have two drains in, and I think I can feel them pulling a little which is very annoying and the drains are very gross, but they're helping reduce the swelling and I'm trying to feel up to flying tomorrow, back home to my girlfriend. I don't know how that'll go but I want to try, I miss her..

The drains are also almost ready to come out.. they told me under 25 whatever unit in 8 hours and they can come out, and it's been already almost 4 hours with very minimal draining compared to yesterday, when in this time one of the pods was almost full.

I'll have to go to the hospital or a doctor to get those out but I'm not energized enough to figure that out right now, I think I might just go back to sleep for a few hours.

Just wanted to do a little update so you know I'm fine if anyone was wondering, thank you for reading! Happy Saturday..

[testosterone-diaries]

6:44 AM

Surgery day!

All checked in and waiting in the bed

All gowned up and all too, they gave me pants but no underwear which is both awkward and awful and yet understandable.

The nurse is very kind and I'm very tired and hungry, I didn't eat much yesterday and wasn't allowed to eat past midnight. I slept about an hour but had to be at the hospital at 5:15 AM so I've been here a while.

I made a joke when she brought me a heated blanket and said that I wonder if this is how the queen feels every day, and she laughed. I like the nurses, they're dressed festively and they seem really happy to be here.

I'm supposed to go back in about an hour and then it'll be a while before I'm back but they expect my discharge to happen at about 1 PM, provided I can walk and pee I think, but I've forgotten already what the criteria were besides peeing.

I can't believe it's really happening. I have no idea how to process or prepare for this but I'm so happy and relieved and exhausted of the wait and the time and everything.

I'm so sorry to everyone who is struggling with the wait for their day. It felt impossible and still does to me, it's been almost 2 years of wait lists but it's paid off and is I'm sure going to be worth it, I'm just too tired to finish this thought though, I'm so sorry for that as well.

I hope everyone is okay! Have a good day my friends.

[testosterone-diaries]

So I found out a few days ago that they had to move my surgery date.. I know it's just 9 days later and under ordinary circumstances that would be fine but honestly tell me that before we're down to 12 days before surgery (it should have been next Wednesday), and don't fuck with people's schedules around the holidays please.

I was planning to go see my girlfriend graduate from her undergrad school, then spend Christmas with her, be there through the first 2 weeks of recovering, then come back and move into my old house (yay for the renovations/rebuild after the fire finally being done next Friday!), and then start my second semester too, but because they moved the surgery date, my trip is going to either be one long one and a way later date, two short ones and a steep cost, or not able to happen at all, and the last is an option I'm not willing to consider.

So after much thought, it's been decided that I'll go for the initial dates, come back for surgery, go back again, and then come back after Christmas as planned. It'll be a lot of traveling and a lot of stress but it'll be worth it to finally get to go home..

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Was there anything that anyone had that was particularly of comfort/benefit for post-op top surgery experience? 

I’m 16 days away from surgery and I’m pretty anxious - I’m worried I don’t have the right clothes, the right bed pillows, the right everything, honestly, so I’m just kind of wondering what others found helpful and comforting, if they remember/are comfortable sharing. 

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Midterms are done, less than 4 weeks til finals, and less than 4 weeks til surgery!!! Admittedly only one day less than four weeks til surgery but somehow the thought of 3 weeks and 6 days til surgery, compared to 4 weeks, is significantly different and sooner and more anxiety and excitement inducing, in a lot of ways.

Holy shit though, it really is here.. I always wanted my chest done before my girlfriend and I get married (we aren't engaged or anything yet but like..future planning), I wanted it done before the end of this year (when my referall was sent last year my biggest hope was that it would be done before this Christmas), it's really happening now though and I'm so relieved and excited and scared and feeling so unprepared all at once but damn son this will be so worth it I think, I hope.. I feel like this will be so so worth it, and I'm thankful that my time is almost here.

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6 weeks and 5 days til top surgery!!!

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90% on my first essay assignment and 87% on my first midterm!

(I think these are the best grades I've ever gotten especially in separate courses)

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8 weeks and 2 days until I never have to wear this binder to hide my chest again holy crap.

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I can almost see her smiling at me when I hear this song, oh my god I'm homesick. (Rules of Beautiful - Jacob Whitesides)

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I've been sad lately, and I think it's a lot of loneliness mixed in with a few other things but tonight I get to be on my phone while listening to people I care about have a good time and I'm sleepy and warm and tired and I'm on Pinterest looking at pretty things and I feel calmer than I have in a good while and I'm thankful for it and for tonight..