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[telharmonism]

growing up my dad taught me strength is resilience in not caring how others treat you

Now that I'm alone I realize how wrong that was

The reason why the evironment always hurt

The reason I feel unheard

Living is being responsive to changes in your environment

Strength is sensitivity and interconnectedness

Caring necessarily begins with listening

Genius is seeing the unheard

Don't be so afraid to live, for once.

Accept how you feel, even the strong moments

Expression necessitates mistakes.

Experimentation is good

If anyone shames you for the way you express and the way you are

Tell them to fuck off.

People have wisdom, but

They're not inherently right.

Not all points are worth listening to.

The only way to know if it is, is to try.

But also learn when to stop trying.

Through experimentation? I guess

Sorting through thoughts

Quieting the lake, to reflect

Finding the strong moments

Is the best you can do for yourself.

[telharmonism]

2 22 2021

A voice, a stop, a stutter

A pause before strength

To say without thought is without doubt

When doubt is stronger than thought preceding

Restless, actionless

an antiequilirbium

On the line between each half lesser

the knife's edge, to falter is to cut

To pick is to identify is to drain

Refusing to be one, unable to be both

Leads to an identity lacking

A voice that wants to say

But does not cohesively speak.

Talk, damn you. Say your part.

Fit. Fit. Fit in.

Fit in already.

This impossible chromatic search

stuck like a snare

stutter like an offbeat

And no fucking punchline.

[telharmonism]

To afraid to fail at what you live for, so you live for nothing instead

Working off scraps of passion, always hungry for the real thing

Less of a circle more of a coil. Doesn't matter if you repeat, if you're getting better at it.

i am ready to break the cycle.

[telharmonism]

I dunno if this is something everyone does or not, but I'm easily able to group my life/self into phases with regards to psychological development

Stage 1: Sight

Age ??-14ish

Themes: playing with perception. Understanding what exists unseen

Stage 2: Consequence

Age 14-19

Themes: Exploring natural results and interaction, placing myself inside the world

Stage 3: Exploration

Age 19-21+

Themes: Forcing oneself into new situations, developing an understanding of what I avoid

[telharmonism]

My thoughts

commodified

By friends I didn't think I knew

in writing

Given praise I wasn't prepared to have

pedestalled

Until the self is lost in the crowd

[telharmonism]

On a Bidirectional Universe

I don't think I believe in time. Or, rather, the passage of Time. Make no mistake, Time exists just as clearly as Space; it is measurable, distinguishable, and occupiable. Moreso the Human conception of it as something separate from Space and the content (Things) of the Universe.

"The Past is gone, and the Future is unknown". There is Human truth in the human perspective. But what we percieve is a mental model of the Universe; we cannot percieve Truth or Universe directly, technically speaking.

This distinction, for most intents and matters, does not matter. Our perception and measurements so far have encapsulated the Observable universe.

But it would be foolish to equate them regardless. Just because we see the Universe as one state at a time, does not make it so. Just as the left coexists with the right, the Past does with the Future. Just because it is unseeable does not make it unknown.

Time measurements (as time) are taken into account equally as Space measurements (as space) in Physics. It is another Dimension; it just happens to be the one that Humans are unidirectionally pushed through, and "see in the other direction".

We concieve of this because our memories our formed in the Human past. They're formed by our state and by the rules of Physics. Our storage of them, thus, is an emergent property of the rules of Physics, particularly in relation to the variable of Time.

This idea of unidirectional "happening" is so engrained into our belief. Things fall; things build up and break apart, because of how they were and the rules of it all. But that's simply not the case. Something exists and it falls as a relation of Time the way that objects exist to each other as a relation of Space. Just as the Past dictates the Future by Physics, so does the Future dictate the Past.

With this understanding, one could concieve of a Universe exactly like ours, but with inverted Rules (in regards to Time in Physics) and its Start State as our End State. Such a Universe would be topologically inverted to our own; a perfect mirror image with respect to Time. And I ask you: In such a place, would the inhabitants tell any difference?

All this is to prove, Time in Physics is much closer to Space than to our conception of time.

From here, one could easily concieve of a different type of memory. Say you have a memory built similar to ours, where things "happen forwards". Could you have a memory system (even in our own Physics) built on things which "happen" in the opposite direction?

What would be the implications? Surely our idea of time would fail. We would need a much stronger Physical conception of the Universe to even make sense of it.

[Reading notes: Capitalized nouns are Existential Traits; not contained within the Universe innately. They can be instantiated.

Also, Truth may be semantically or logically equivalent to Physics in the usage here.]

[telharmonism]

who are you to be so sad?

To hurt over nothing, to want what's already had?

To refuse the pen yet want to create

To want to be you, but refuse to

Unable to make sense, like a sad boy

Nothing more than a fractured psyche

[telharmonism]

To my high school self

Actually.... you were pretty much right about it all.

Your family isn't normal. They're super abusive. You knew that but couldn't come to terms with it because you didn't want to be a victim.

And that numbness that you're always with? That is depression. Ignore your parents, you're not being dramatic, and you can't just get over it. Not feeling anything actually does suck.

But you were always waiting for the day you moved out. You thought if you left your family, maybe the depression would go too?

Yeah... that was right actually. Go, and stay out.

But the last thing you needed was another person to talk at you. You didn't have any functional listeners in your life; you were completely unseen in how you were. I guess you already knew that, too.

[telharmonism]

Lost and Lonely

Less, but differently so.

Balancing the elements

My own satisfaction and sloth

My sense of accomplishment and pride

My love of the world around me

My sense of truth and justice

Pity that's the natural ordering; a better being would reverse it.

But that's the point, right? Each can be taken to their natural end. Each stales if overdeveloped, but hurts if underseveloped.

Such a balancing act. It's incredible anyone understands anything, assuming that anyone does.

[telharmonism]

Elegance

In winding

Pulling the string so tight, that it were the only Way

to walk across

Practiced with ground, now suspended

Dare not relax, dare not do tricks

Lest I find how I truly am

In comfort

What came so easily I now cannot grasp

[telharmonism]

Emergence

There he stood

the world around him

What was once nothing

was quickly becoming everything

Was it too much?

Just a flicker?

The brightest flames burn the fastest;

He hoped

this would be the longest.

[telharmonism]

Home Again

Came home for the break, last I was here was last summer

I think I get why I was in the throes of self frustration

Everyone in my life was asking me to make sure they were happy first, before checking what I needed, and I wasn't/amn't too selfish to do the same

that's the vibe I'm getting from my associational reaction to the environment at least

Also a lot of mental health is environment compared to growth. The growth is still there but it's unnerving to realize how easy it is to fall into old patterns.

As long as I keep my sight and mind then I should succeed.

[telharmonism]

The old King is dead. Long live the King.

Bend yourself. As long as you truly trust yourself, you won't break.

The strongest way to be is to listen. To truly hear and attend, to connect.

We stop worrying about ourselves when we connect fully. To truly pay attention and feel something, we give up our ego, our identity, our conscious thought and extend our self to the thing. It is a powerful thing, that so few people ever stop and think enough to attempt. It may be our purpose.

If not a purpose, then an act of healing. We are of the universe, yet we build up an identity and concept of separation. The very act of conscious ideas is the act of separating and drawing lines. Beautiful, but also degenerative if we don't intend it.

[telharmonism]

On "alive"

Am I a machine

Set to experience, set to create

Each fluid motion premeditated

if it is to survive

all biology a machine

seeking the vital future

as all automata must

Within a thousand simulations

[telharmonism]

Skill in improvement

Be patient, because you won't see instant results.

Be patient, because you might never see results. You might be stuck treading water for years, always putting more effort in and getting nothing new from it.

You might start getting a rew more wins, but you'll also collect losses. Don't be in it for the results, because the losses still sting more.

You might work on your passion project, something you love and want to share, but 3 years later it's still nowhere and you're still giving up your weekends, wondering and hoping that you were onto something.

Artsy hobbies are nice. But hey, it's been 6 years, and I still can't write worth shit.

But I guess it's very tough to impress yourself, if not impossible. I'll be me, and anything I say or do is because I thought it that way.

And that sucks.

[telharmonism]

Ego exists by desire.

Observe the desire impartially, respect it, and the ego will fade.

Days like today are so beautiful. The cold, the rain. It's all breathing.

I am nothing. I have no identify. This is what manifests.

My vessel has an identity, hopes, fears, wants.

I have Will, and Drive. But not that external one, the man made drive. I am not that. I am nothing.

There is nothing more harmonizing in the self than being the absence of Darkness.

[telharmonism]

I was never sentimental then. I think I'm starting to be.

It's much easier to be nostalgic of a happy time.