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teddywook · 1 year ago

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mirage ꨄ osaki shotaro

summary. in the middle of the night i feel your fingers over my skin

warnings. shotaro x fem!reader, first person narrative. mention of dead, antidepressant use and its side effects, irresponsible mixing and abuse of medications (pls DON'T do that). suggestive, sort of a smut attempt.

words. 2.566k

"y/n"

soft caresses run over my body, fingers light as feathers, touching inch by inch of my exposed skin. murmurs in the darkness that take me out of dreams.

"y/n"

i shift on the mattress, the sheets get tangled in my legs, there is movement on the side of the bed. it's hard for me to open my eyes, my eyelids feel very heavy.

"love"

i can barely open them enough to see the shadowed silhouette heading towards the door, but when i manage to open my eyes, the shadow is gone and i fall asleep again, until sleep completely escapes me.

the sound of the alarm fills the room ending another long night of struggling with sleep. every night is the same. long hours tossing and turning on the mattress trying to empty my mind without success. and on those rare occasions when my brain finally shuts down, i only manage to get a little sleep and then wake up in the middle of the night. with my clothes stuck to my body from sweat, with my mind clouded and my muscles tense. feeling my chest tight, my ribcage too small for my lungs, preventing me from breathing properly.

i sit on the edge of the bed, my dangling feet barely touching the floor with the toes. my eyes travel from the chipping polish on my nails to the nightstand next to the bed. two pairs of eyes stare back at me from a lilac painted wooden frame. brown eyes, bright and full of love.

a flash of warmth runs through my chest a moment before i feel the sting, so on impulse i place the photograph face down on the surface and stand up before slamming it against the wall.

i face the reflection in the bathroom mirror but the person i see in it looks nothing like the person in the photo on my nightstand. no bright eyes, no dazzling smiles. she has no warmth or love. she is lifeless.

the cold water of the shower hits my hot skin, making my hair stand on end but helping me clear the haze in my head enough to function normally. i have a long day ahead, the last thing i want is to walk like a living dead down the street. i feel miserable and i know i look that way, i just don't need others to tell me so.

i adjust the towel around my body as i open the glass closet door, my hair dripping leaving a puddle on the floor. cotton shirts greet me on their hangers, perfectly ironed and without any trace of lint. my fingers slide over the soft fabric and the aroma of spices flutters in the air around me; i can't help but bring a sleeve to my face, burying my nose in the fabric

filling my lungs with the spicy smell, a chill runs down my spine and i feel the electricity run through my body and go straight to my crotch.

a soft murmur reaches me through the curtain of fog that forms around my mind, taking me out of the trance "coffe is ready"

the smell of freshly brewed coffee stings my nostrils, overshadowing the previous aroma that intoxicated me. without much enthusiasm i force myself to let go of my shirt and, knowing that i must hurry if i don't want to miss my appointment with dr. song, i begin to get dressed, ignoring the wetness that has accumulated between my thighs.

the hum of the toaster is getting quiet as i leave the room and the ping of toast jumping outta it catches my attention when i enter to the kitchen. next to the coffee maker is a cup waiting to be filled and a sticky note with a small yellowish pill by its side.

make sure you get enough sun :)

i smile at shotaro's tender note. he always has these details, reminding me to take my medicine and making my coffee in the morning. finishing breakfast i head to the door, putting on my coat i'm about to turn around to say goodbye when my eyes land on the picture of my boyfriend smiling at the camera and then i stop. i remember that he's gone, i take the keys and i leave too.

it's after noon when i leave the building where dr. song works. the sun at its highest point causes discomfort to my sensitive eyes due to the lack of rest and the strident noise of the cars' claxons causes hammering in my head.

i want to go home, but i'm at that time of day when the medication has subsided a little and my mind is clear and sharp. images of an accident flash in my memory, broken glass, sirens and flashing lights. a loop explosion that makes my senses dizzy again.

i take the strip of blue pills out of my bag.

«only if the memories are too overwhelming»

dr. song's words make their way through the sequence of images, echoing in my mind. should i...? oh, fuck it.

i swallow a capsule and go into the small place that seems familiar to me. my eyes immediately catch the empty table in the corner.

i just ordered a sandwich to go when the phone vibrates against the table. the screen lights up revealing the smiling photo of my mother and i rush to answer.

"y/n, honey"

"mommy"

my voice breaks, wishing my mother could put her arms around me, unable to tell her everything i feel and lighten my load. but my mother knows me well and doesn't need my words.

"everything will be fine. you are strong, you can handle this, you'll see"

"i'm taking the medicine again" i dare to confess "i know i promised i wouldn't do it but i couldn't help it. this is too much, i don't want to continue feeling like this"

"oh, honey"

a paper bag appears in my field of vision, i move the phone away from my ear, suppressing my mother's voice. i watch sohee, the youngest boy i tutored in english last year, give me an awkward sad smile.

"noona, i... i couldn't tell you before... i'm so sorry about the accident. mom wants you to know that if you need anything you can come to us"

"i..." i take a quick look at my phone screen, which is dark and off. without any call in progress. "thank you"

i get up feeling a lump in my throat and blinking the tears that begin to sting my eyes, i take my sandwich and leave.

by the time i enter my apartment the medication has already taken effect. i am aware of an accident, but i do not remember the specific details. the images are increasingly blurry and with every step i take the haze condenses again in my head.

my steps are heavy, my limbs are languid and a momentary calm invades me.

i keep half of the sandwich in the refrigerator for when shotaro comes home and i drink a glass of cold water to relieve the heat that is now suffocating me. i fall on the couch with a book in my hands, but my vision is blurred because of the medication and no matter how hard i try, i can't focus on the tiny letters on the pages.

so i give up, now strangely annoyed, and throw the book across the room.

i hold my head in my hands, trying to calm my growing anxiety. breathe in, breathe out. i look up, exchanging glances with the smiling shotaro in the photo next to the front door, feeling calmer with the pure image of my boyfriend. i pick up the book and put it on the shelf and satisfied that i have avoided a scolding from him for my mess, i head to the bedroom to take a bath.

unable to muster the necessary strength to take a shower, i choose to fill the bathtub, hoping that the water and the vanilla essence that shotaro likes will take away the heaviness of my body.

the cold water heats up quickly due to my body heat, but i allow myself to stay in the water a little longer. i have my eyes closed as i hum a soft song whose name i don't remember but it feels familiar; my chest heaves at a flash image of a pale, cold hand against mine.

i push myself up, sitting up straight, confused. the memory goes away as quickly as it came but i question myself if it was something important to remember.

i lie back in the bathtub without giving importance to the matter. the melody has changed to a more sensual one and my hand involuntarily begins to run over my wet skin. the pads of my fingers caress the softness of my skin under the water and i let out a sigh when they reach my center.

memories of shotaro and i baptizing this bathtub the day we moved. wet skins colliding, water overflowing and splashing on the floor, the mirror fogged up and the echoes singing i love you's like a mantra.

the song changes one more time, clearing the haze again and giving me a fleeting moment of lucidity. durable enough to remind me of the cafeteria scene. my mother called me, i spoke to her.

and yet there was never such a call. because she didn't call me, nor will she ever call me. because she is dead.

my chest heaves with panic rising within it. my mother is dead. and i talked to her. no, i didn't talk to her because she is... shit.

i get out of the bathtub as quickly as i can and head to the kitchen with just a towel covering me. my hands shake as i grab the bottle of pills from the counter but i manage to take the small capsule.

i wet my face with the cold water from the sink and little by little i let the medicine take effect.

i leave the bottle next to the others and take the paper with doctor song's notes, i am about to read them when a click of keys sounds followed by the sound of the door closing. i hear footsteps approaching and i let myself be enveloped by warm arms, releasing the page with letters too blurry for my tired eyes, leaning on their comforting embrace.

"you're back"

"i will always come to you"

"it's been a hard day"

my voice trembles, fearing to hear disappointment in his, but contrary to what i expect, he speaks to me calmly and with love pouring out his words.

"let's go to bed, my love. now i'm with you"

"let me take my medicine first"

"no" his hand holds my wrist, preventing me from taking the strip of blue capsules "you don't need that"

i follow him into the room without arguing, feeling better just having him by my side. he comes in first and i lose sight of him, so while he's in the bathroom i head to the closet to put on some clothes, deciding on the white shirt from this morning. the soft fabric hugged my body, surrounding me with its spicy aroma of spices.

i frown when i see the picture on my nightstand upside down, i didn't realize it fell this morning. i place the frame correctly and smile at the photo of shotaro and i in the beach, happy that the glass hasn't broken.

i get into bed and close my eyes, falling asleep while i wait for my boyfriend to come out of the bathroom.

it's hot.

i kick the sheets off the bed, feeling my body too hot against the fabric. my hair sticks to my forehead and the cotton shirt feels like thick, suffocating wool on my skin.

i look at the alarm clock, the same time again. my sleep loss is always punctual.

i turn on the mattress trying to go back to sleep, although without success.

"y/n"

hands moving up my legs, squeezing the flesh of my thighs and hips and stopping at my waist. fingers unbuttoning my shirt and a light breeze hitting my breasts, making my nipples hard instantly.

a soft palm cradles my breast, kneading the flesh and rolling my nipple between his fingers. i feel his warm breath against my ear and his hardness against my back.

"y/n"

a moan falls from my lips as his other hand slips under my underwear, where i'm already soaked and needy. his fingers run up and down my lips, spreading my arousal across my swollen clit that begs for attention.

"taro" my voice is a broken moan, my mind becomes cloudy but this fog is different, it is pure lust and need.

his fingers find my entrance and torture it a little before entering me completely, drawing a loud moan from me. he begin to thrust into me at a constant pace that slowly becomes faster and sharp.

i move my hips faster as i feel the orgasm building in my belly, hot sweat covering every inch of my skin. my breathing is heaving, my legs are trembling, and my clit is throbbing, desperate for release. i bring my hand to the little nub of nerves chasing my climax. the orgasm hits me hard, wave after wave of pleasure washing over my entire body.

my eyes slowly close due to the post-orgasm numbness, but i manage to open them enough to see the darkness surrounding me and the shadow that is lost in the door.

it's past 8 when i wake up in the morning.

i feel confused, unable to remember the last time i slept that much. my body feels light when i get out of bed, my mind calm and clear. i almost feel like i'm forgetting...

i stop dead when i see the smiling picture of shotaro on the shelf in the hallway, next to the wooden urn and the candle holder. i feel my eyes sting at the memory of his pale face and tears slide down my face. his cold hand against mine, his skin full of cuts.

the burst of images from the car accident where i lost my boyfriend makes me shudder and sets off a chain reaction with memories of yesterday.

i run to the kitchen to get my medicine.

i'm about to put the pills in my mouth when i see doctor song's note and i decide to read it before the fog eclipses my mind.

'sweating, muscle pain, blurred vision, insomnia, anxiety, irritability, memory lapses, lucid dreams'

a different memory comes to mind.

«"PTSD, y/n. totally normal due to the near-death experience. it is also the main trigger for your depressive disorder, and i am specially worried about the extent of it"

"please help me, doctor. i don't want to feel this hole in my chest anymore"

"these antidepressants will help you calm the feeling of emptiness. they will mitigate your sadness to a manageable level, but they will not eliminate it completely, time will do that. and for panic attacks take these capsules. but be careful, only if the memories are too overwhelming. don't mix them too much, they can have some annoying side effects"»

i swallow, feeling the emotions overwhelming me. so much anger, sadness, fear.

shotaro preparing my coffee. coming home, hugging me. shotaro with me in bed, touching me.

only it wasn't really him. actions that i myself carried out that i instantly forgot or that i simply imagined clinging to his memory. in the shadow of his love that follows me everywhere.

and as i let the tears flow down my cheeks, i feel the whisper of his voice and the ghost of his love embrace me.

"i will always come to you"

but i must let you go

i cried so bad.

thanks for read my loves ♡

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