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[teacupjackie]

day 142

On recovery: day 142. 

Over 100 days in recovery. Almost five months out from my lowest lows. Physically I am stronger, now that I’m not facing risk of organ failure, seizure, and death. I still remember that chart, the one they gave me, about the dangerous things that can happen to your body when you are as far gone as I was. I’m seeing my nutritionist every six weeks now, not every six days, and I guess mentally I am stronger too. I can eat in restaurants. I can eat dinner with friends. I can eat alone in public. I can engage with others more now that I’m not just lying in bed. I can say no to things. I can work demanding 14 hour days on my feet, I can study for exams without once thinking of food. I used to sit for hours, light headed with chest pain, watching Tasty videos and reading recipes. I don’t get my period for months on end continuously now. I don’t wake up with bruises from sleeping. My hair isn’t falling out. I do not throw up my food now. My knuckles do not bleed from hitting my teeth. I don’t use laxatives. I look back at that level of desperation and I do not relate to those behaviors anymore.

I do not weigh myself anymore. I used to weigh myself fifteen times per day. I guess that is progress.

But it’s hard. Every day, I wake up, and I still body check, and I still count, and I still compare. Still look in the mirror like, ugh, that’s me now. Still feel awkward, weird, disconnected. Still feel like a fake. Still don’t feel beautiful. Still feel guilty for eating bread. 

I don’t know what keeps me going. I can’t figure it out. But I am still going.  I guess that matters. update: day 503

disappointed that things are still exactly the same. cold. dizzy. why aren’t I better yet.

[teacupjackie]

Your body is made of the same elements that lionesses are built from. Three quarters of you is the same kind of water that beats rocks to rubble, wears stones away. Your DNA translates into the same twenty amino acids that wolf genes code for. When you look in the mirror and feel weak, remember, the air you breathe in fuels forest fires capable of destroying everything they touch. On the days you feel ugly, remember: diamonds are only carbon. You are so much more.

[teacupjackie]

THIS.

If you ever see a bad picture of yourself just think about sunsets

Have you ever tried to take a picture of a sunset with a crappy camera? It turns out like shit.  I mean that could be the most beautiful sunset you’ve ever seen in your life and the photo looks gross. 

That doesn’t mean the sunset  isn’t breathtaking, it just means the camera can’t contain it’s beauty.

You are a gorgeous motherfucking sunset never forget that

[teacupjackie]

There is more to eating than calories, even biochemically – there are vitamins, minerals, essential fatty acids, essential amino acids, antioxidants, electrolytes, fluids, dietary fibre, all the raw materials for repairing and remodeling every single cell in your body. More than that, there is culture, family history, occasion, artistry, skill, growth, feelings of joy or resentment, pleasure or distaste. There are emotional associations and memories, and there is the basic affirmation of life – “I need to eat to survive, and I am worth the effort to survive.” Every act of eating reaffirms your right to exist. There is more to movement than calories, even biochemically – there is bone strengthening, muscle building, aerobic fitness, neural growth, balancing of hormones and lipid transporters, and every single involuntary movement and chemical reaction carried on below your conscious awareness, working around the clock to stave off entropy. More than that, there is fun, adventure, challenge, mastery, strength, place associations, social bonding, the experience of being an alive thing on a round, blue speck in the galaxy. There is a basic affirmation that you exist in a world you were designed to navigate. Even if you are disabled, even if you have some impairment, your body is still exploring – from the bat of an eyelash to a trip to the bathroom. You are negotiating, discovering, navigating a physical existence.You were made for this world. You belong in it, and it belongs to you. Eating and moving: your right to exist, and a world in which to exist. They are not rivals. They do not annihilate each other. They collaborate to make a whole person, body and soul.

Michelle Allison (via internal-acceptance-movement)

[teacupjackie]

And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.

Haruki Murakami (via date)

[teacupjackie]

Make it the Last and Make it Last

Needing this reminder today. I want this to be “the last” and “to last.” I don’t want to go to treatment again, I want to stay in recovery and in my life. It’s not worth it, it’s NOT worth it.  

“If you’re trying to gain weight, or you know you have to at some point, read this. 

It will feel like hell. Each day will provide a challenge. You were be hungry like you never have before, then you will not want to eat, you will feel hungry at 3am but not at noon. You will feel proud and guilty, happy and sad, angry. You will cringe at your clothes not fitting, but you will be happy that you are getting farther away from death. You will start feeling better, you will have light in your eyes. You will breathe deeper and laugh longer. 

Ok, now you are weight-restored! Go you!

Here you are, in a body you don’t recognize. The thoughts are so strong, just lose a few pounds, tone up here and there. Down a size. No, stop. Do not let those thoughts win. Because when you lose the weight, you will just have to gain it back. And you will be so tired. Losing and gaining. Losing and gaining. 

I have lost and gained weight so many times. I’m so fucking tired. Do not listen to that relapse voice. Make this the last time you have refeeding tummy aches, the last time edema make you look like a blowfish. Make it the last time you cry over and increase. Make it the last time you enter recovery. Make it last.”

[teacupjackie]

When my family congratulates me on my weight gain

[teacupjackie]

I laughed at this for a solid 5 minutes

[teacupjackie]

I don’t get why people hate immigrants so much… Like they’re literally just… People… From another location….

[teacupjackie]

When people try to compliment your recovery efforts by pointing out your weight gain

[teacupjackie]

Is it a binge? Is it reactive eating? Is this just how normal people eat?

[teacupjackie]

I’m still severely depressed & full of anxiety....

[teacupjackie]

You may not feel it, but you’re so brave for even walking into that dining hall and trying again

One of nursing staff comforting me last night (via uchi-mura)

I really wish someone had said this to me rather than just getting upset that I was being a difficult patient

(via justedrecoverythings)

[teacupjackie]

Me at a restaurant with friends

Why yes fellow nutrition-consumers this menu does look quite delicious and not at all terrifying; what food items are you all considering ordering in a totally normal non-panicked food ordering way?  I personally am very eager for and not screaming inside about these large portions, and I am utterly unfazed by the caloric information written next to each entre nope that doesn’t make me want to run for the hills at all :) I am so excited for this wow

[teacupjackie]

Things people without eating disorders will never understand (trigger warning) 1. Needing to give yourself a pep-talk every time you eat a meal 2. Needing to give yourself a pep-talk every time you go to the bathroom 3. Never knowing if what you’re seeing in the mirror is real or a delusion 4. Wearing the same old clothes to shreds because you’re too nervous to try on new ones 5. Never truly being able to enjoy the taste of food, because there’s always that voice in the back of your mind whispering calories and fat content 6. That feeling of self-loathing every time you take your meds in the morning/night, because Shit I can’t function like a normal adult without being drugged 7. That raging feeling of jealousy when you see people not eating or hear them talking about their diets 8. Seeing calorie content listed on restaurant menus and wanting to burst into tears in public 9. Having to explain to your friends why you always have so many doctor appointments 10. How much it hurts when people make jokes about eating disorders or talk about them like they’re dumb fads and teen phases—like this isn’t something that haunts you every second of your life If you’re struggling with an ED too, you’re a goddamn brave-ass fucking warrior, and you’re my hero.

[teacupjackie]

“i’m in kind of a weird mental place right now” i say, as if there are times when i am not in a weird mental place

[teacupjackie]

When ED tells me that unless I'm underweight, I'm fat

(septiplier-away)