tea-cat-ina

[tea-cat-ina]

This break up is hitting me hard and I am definitely feeling it. I feel like I’ve been working a lot of hours this past few days to keep my mind off it. Now mentally my mind is tired to cope up with everything.

Hanged pictures and sad playlist does not help. There are so many signs of him everywhere I go it is haunted me. Yet I still see his name everywhere, I noticed someone wearing the same shoes that I got him, a photo or guy that looks him similar features, couples walk by it’s a slap to myself and his car.

It’s gonna mark 3months this May 7th that we haven’t been together. We haven’t spoke since last month. During these times not hearing him I feel like his moved on and he doesn’t want me anymore. The last time I talked to him about being back together he wants to be friends. Did he forget what he said to me?

How he could not forget me? How I said I should stop reaching out to him that I should go away and when he said that “I don’t want you to go away, I still want you around.”

I don’t get me sometimes this mutual breakup is hard to deal with. I feel like I’m looking for him but his nowhere to be found. I am afraid to start over this time.

Focus on me I say and I still haven’t accomplished what I needed to do. And it’s so hard during this pandemic. Everything is at a pause.

[tea-cat-ina]

Today is the day I learned how to drive manual ! I didn’t stall the car the first try 😅 so I did well! It makes me wanna buy a manual car!!! Thanks to my friend showing me how to drive it. Since I taught him how to drive and practice in my car long ago he returned the favor! So I’m learning during this quarantine times.

4/28/2020

[tea-cat-ina]

I haven’t blogged for a few days and I feel that a lot has happened. Well I got in touch an old friend back in the day and we had downfall. Let’s just say I want to be friends only that I didn’t wanna lose our friendship.

Well we’ve been messaging each other a lot lately just catching up over the years. His still the same person but older he says. We wanna hang out catch up a lot more but it’s kind of hard because he has a girlfriend now. I told him he can bring along his gf along, I really don’t mind it all.

I texted Andrew the other day in the morning saying “I hope you have a good day and drive safe” he didn’t reply to me until he got off from work. Part of me should’ve never sent that but it’s pouring rain and felt him night before I know I did. You know how you think of someone and your are thinking of them too. that’s why I did that. I won’t message him for awhile.

I feel that I’m accepting this freedom of being single. It took me two months. I’m all cried out.

Just the other day a guy wanted to get to know me and low key all he could do is just talk about himself and how hard he doesn’t like marines how they run this town how he got in fight with one and his top of the world because of his music gig. I’m rolling my eyes. Shut up. Then my friend was FaceTiming in the other line. Thanks for Javi! He saved me from this conversation! I made up oh my dad is in the other line! Well what also threw me off he sent me an image saying I love you more. It weirder me out. I blocked him on Snapchat. I wasn’t trying to get to know him.

Yet again my head revolves on Andrew. I’m out here trying to finish what I started. Stay focus.

4/14/2020

[tea-cat-ina]

I practically slept in the whole day and besides the two hrs chilling in the afternoon. I feel awake and rejuvenated.

This marks exactly 2 months since Andrew and I broke up. I hit up my old friend who lives in Temecula and he asked if I was still with my boyfriend. My friend tells me to hang out with friends and when this pandemic is over go dancing and drink. I did a lot of that. It’s not like I’m crying over him. I’m okay. I just miss him. Yeah it’s all fun. Really I want this pandemic to end. I wanna quit my other job, find a better paying job, lose more weight, and probably when the time comes move out of my moms place.

Maybe the time is right him and I can left off what we started. Part of me believes we can make it work and I can’t move on.

4/07/2020 2:31 am

[tea-cat-ina]

There I did it—I’ve decided to sleep in my own bed once I got off from work this morning. I can’t stand Temecula I’m moving back to Oceanside Thursday ! I didnt even last.

I wanna decorate my room and I’ve been hesitant about it. Since there’s more time I should.

[tea-cat-ina]

Nothing much happen today....

I slept until 2:30 this afternoon, I woke up to Roland’s yelling over the game while his playing. I went over to Jeff’s place ate dinner he fed me his famous bulgogi kimichi tacos.

My fat ass ate like 7 tacos 🤤 and man it was good! I went into work today. I got to make beef stew for my clients family. It taste a bit different how I usually would make it. It’s okay. I hope they like how I cooked it.

It’s two in the morning and honestly time is going by really slow.....

My mom called me she wants me to move back in and I guess she misses me. She was telling me that it’s not bad at work. That I really should come back. In a way I do because living with Roland sucks. Lol I love my brother but damn his hella messy than me! At this time I think I wanna remodel my room. Like paint it get rid of shit I don’t need. Just reorganize. Since I have time this weekend I really should.

Looks I’m going to cancel my plans for Friday. I kinda wanna just chill and relax in my room. So me time.

4/06/2020

[tea-cat-ina]

Friends are friends....

You know how things aren’t as it seems?

Well if you tell a person what you gone through and they tell you their opinion/advice. They expect you to listen. Then you realized it’s not what all seems when you explained it to them the first time. Were they even listening what you told them?

I feel people don’t listen at times. Then it’s turn around you and they say well I notice you don’t take criticism well. Maybe I should just kept myself quiet because I’m the only one who knows myseld —how I can be and they weren’t there to see what I went through. It’s like that person who is giving you advice and their opinion always have to right.

Sometimes it was my fault for what I did and I’ll admit my actions.

4/5/2020

[tea-cat-ina]

I went to go buy a big cage for Wendy at petco yesterday and I sent the recipet to Matt because we were suppose to split the cost. Then he messages me that he sent it to my savings. It was more than I ask for. He practically paid for the whole thing. I ask him if he was sure. And he says “ yeah go ahead get whatever you need” my heart dropped.

Back of my head what ex boyfriend would do that ? It shows that he still cares for me. I don’t think I wanna spend it at all. I decided to take myself off the dating app. I’ve realized that I can’t get to know someone. I’m not ready and I can’t seem to move on. My head still revolves around him. I don’t know how to take off my status on Facebook or to even take off the photos. In my head we just need time apart and I still need time for myself to get my shit together. This virus that’s going on should give me time to decide what I wanna do.

I am waiting for my certification for my RMA to process since my school had already sent my transcripts out. Also I am waiting to be picked as a volunteer for the health corp.

I’m here at Fallbrook with a new client and so far it isn’t so bad. Again I’m doing the over night shift.

I scrolled down on my Facebook memories and I seen a tag from Javier when we went to San Francisco together. I decided to message him. Well why not it’s been almost a decade since we last spoke I believe. The past is the past for me unless he holds a grudge against me. I would understand if he didn’t messaged me back.

4/4/2020

[tea-cat-ina]

It was said to me that it’s mandatory that everyone wears face mask and gloves in the Riverside County. I haven’t done my research on that yet. I called my back she told me that it’s been announced that everyone should encourage to wear a mask and gloves.

Yesterday when I got off from work I decided to go to the bank. I was at the atm machine this guy was looking at me if I was contagious maybe because I was wearing scrubs. I told my mom that it was announce at her work do not wear scrubs out in public that people will hurt you. More bad news.....

See the girl needed to get money and I was hungry so I wanted to get food! 😣 but i understand wearing the scrubs in public isn’t a good idea.

4/03/2020

[tea-cat-ina]

Hard decisions.

So I finally made a decision to apply for the ca hc today. I’m scared. But I feel this is what I need to do and go out in the frontline. I chose to be in the medical field. So why not make the best of it. I am able to care and to understand this pandemic even more.

My cousin Ryan told me it was okay to be scared and especially just go for it. We got to catch up for a bit. He sounds very happy! He had asked about my relationship. I explained to him that it was mutual breakup. For the first time ever someone said that’s very mature of you guys doing that. Out of all some people say it wasn’t negative this time.

I told my mom about it and she’s proud and I haven’t told my dad about it. I had mentioned it to my dad but he says don’t do it due to the shortage of PPE’s and now numbers are definitely rising.

I don’t have nothing going on for me and I come home to my two cats, I don’t have kids. I’m not married. Yet I being reminded I am single. Honestly as much I talk about Andrew. I am handling this pretty good. It may not seem like it on my blog.

I was able to cope up from this breakup ..what I did since this break up I passed my Certification. Previously I talked to my area supervisor about going full time to part time working once a week. Unfortunately due to the virus it was never processed. For some reason everything happens for a reason. I am furlough status at my work. Anyways I was able to go out and be my old self. Getting lost on the dance floor and holding my liquor in lol! Meeting different people. Learning from each individual. I am thankful that I still have my other job. I got to amends with my friends I haven’t talked to in awhile.

Everything I mentioned it was because Andrew mentioned it to me and I remembered it. People will look at me I haven’t focused but this time I didn’t fall. I am not looking for love this time.

I want to believe the love is in front of me this whole time and I was too blind to see it.

When Roland told me “his doing this for your own good” maybe he is.

I have my moments I’ll be sad I cry it all out and then keep going it’s like a cycle. I think it helps how I do it. Not to be around anyone just be myself. Me time. Then I’ll be okay the next day. I can’t bottled it up. It will get worse.

I made tik tok video. I kept it in private for now. I just want to show the world how much he means to me. The way I view this video is how happy we were and it makes me want it again. I want it to be like how it was. Maybe one day.

4/02/2020

[tea-cat-ina]

Temporarily in Temecula.

I made a decision that I move out my mom’s place until the virus is lifted. As much as possible I need to work and not be expose.

My mom was glad I made the decision to move out temporarily and agreed I should stay away for awhile.

The governor announced calling all healthcare workers to the field to work. I want to do it. But it’s risky. I’ll be battling in the warzone. What about my health that I have ? I have time to think about this. The numbers are rising.

I’m not doing much at my other job right now and all do is assist my client in the bathroom or give her a glass water at night. Done ✅ for the night! But I want to do so much more than that.

I thought about Andrew all day waiting for his reply back. I know how he is I know he won’t text me back. I feel that I’m not important to him. Mixed signals. When I called him he didn’t answer and it took him less than 5 minutes to call me back. It was nice to hear his voice and I can tell he was happy to hear from me. He wants to help me out with Wendy. I think I want to change my mind and not ask for it. Maybe he’ll wonder what happen or he’ll just forget.

I feel that I am a person to forget anyways....🙄what’s the point anyway. I must be a fool to hang his photo in my car. But it helps me go on that I have something to live for. Then moving on is a lot harder. But I do not want to move on and I feel that we have chance.

I wish I was able to understand back then how I was...I’m selfish but I lost myself in this relationship. They say focus on yourself. Yes that’s what’s I’ve been doing. Go get fucked! Yeah I had my fun! Date someone else! Ummm no not ready for that yet! Yet I haven’t fully focused myself just yet. I’m not done! Just please wait a minute!

I was waiting for that moment to call my love and tell him all the wonderous adventures and hills I go through.

My head was everywhere today...just what I wanted to do. I’m scared applying for this heath Corp. I’ll be in the frontline.

Well I don’t have kids. I do have my family but there’s no one to hold me down from my decisions. I know Andrew will tell me to go for it.

The back of me head is “WHAT IF” happens...

I’m taking my time to think about it...applying for it.

Who cares if I die. I want no funeral. I rather be cremated send me off to the ocean I hope I become a mermaid.

I like to tell that one person I wanted to be with how much I cared for him. What he missed out. How I improved on myself. Yeah I know I’m an idiot for a fool who doesn’t care or just don’t know how to show his emotions.

Anyways I have both of my cats here in the garage. Tomorrow I need print my certificate for work.

What else?

[tea-cat-ina]

I got to hear his voice tonight.

With everything that is happening and I had to call him. He didn’t answer me the first call but he did call me back right away. I asked help for him and his willing to help me with Wendy.

I thought he was going to shut me out but he didn’t.

My housemate and her man want to help so does my best friend. I just wanna breakdown and cry I have the best support.

My mom is sad a decision that I made to move out for awhile to avoid the exposure of the virus. Then back my head i do wanna apply for work what I went for school. I back off because how healthcare workers passed away. Especially ill be compromised that I have asthma. It still on my mind that I do wanna work in the clinic. I keep thinking of my health especially I don’t wanna be quarantine.

The work I do is one on one care I haven’t received the start of symptoms of the virus. I’ve been sticking with one person. I’ve been taking my vitamins, such as b-6, beets, and turmeric. I’ll probably need to take more supplements to boast my immunity.

[tea-cat-ina]

[tea-cat-ina]

[tea-cat-ina]

Day 10 since the quarantine shut down

This morning I went shopping with my friend and running errands. The things I wanted to buy at Walmart they didn’t have and I decided to stock up on food I need and hygiene products so I doubled it what I usually would buy just because I don’t wanna keep going to the store. My friend he was telling me that the Walmart we went to had more stuff than the Temecula Walmart has.

Then we went to the Dollar Tree and when we got there, their was nobody in the store but workers. We were told it’s seniors only for an hour. There was nobody in the damn store! Empty parking lots! Smh!

Then we went to sprouts and I was all done with my shopping. I set my my items on the rolling thing for the cashier to scan. Someone yelled at me that I was cutting and the lady told me “social distancing!” in rude matter. I rolled my eyes and I didn’t see them and I was annoyed that I have to adjust to these for awhile. Stay 6ft apart. I was venting to the cashier at sprouts how ridiculous the social distancing is and how the virus should just end soon. As I got our of the store I was just so annoyed...irritated. And we still had to go to the dollar tree still.

I get how we have to social distance, yes the senior have the privilege to have the store for an hour, and we are on lockdown. I’m frustrated. The items I wanted to buy are always out. People look at you stay away from you because they are taking extra precaution thinking you might have the virus. When someone sneezes or cough they are afraid of you. How we are limited on items to buy such one per a customer.

I’m here at work and I am thankful that I still have a job and I do take extra precaution. I always take off my shoes in the foyer room. Disinfect the couch/chair and wipe down the area. It does scare me, this virus.

After the mutual break up I had with Matt and I am going to be honest it’s hard to call him my ex-boyfriend. Especially I’ve kept quiet about the break up and few people know. For the first time I actually don’t tell the whole world. It’s just I feel like maybe one day will get back together and there is something a little spark. I unfriend him and his mom off Facebook that I am scared that I will keep going on his page or see something that will hurt me such as being tag on a photo of him with another girl. I hope he doesn’t think I moved on...I just haven’t talked to him since sometime end of last month of February. I still have his things in my room and i should give it back but I choose not to.

Have you ever gone through a break up and there are signs everywhere that remind you of your ex? Well it’s been happening to me a lot lately. I do go by the day and I don’t want to be mopey and sad. It just happens. I hear his name almost everyday, I did hear his birthdate out loud, I see the same type of car he drives, Matt’s ways, New Jersey the state where his from, the cologne I bought for his birthday, flashbacks keep coming and coming to bed alone holding tight to the stuff animal he bought for me. As much things remind me of him because I am alone I believe it’s a sign if I wasn’t thinking of him. Do I have a chance with him? Yes I still believe. What runs in the back in my head is how I told him I should just disappear from his life that I shouldn’t talk to him anymore. When he told me “no I don’t want you to do that I still want you around I don’t want you to go away.” After getting off the phone with him I sent him a huge text message. That I told him that he won’t hear from me a while that I need to focus me because I never gave my chance that.

Before I met him that is what I was wanting to do but when I did meet him I didn’t expect we were gonna go this far. He was something that I shouldn’t let it pass. I fell in love. After the break up I did try to go back him twice. But he said it’s too soon but he does say “maybe one day”. My brother says his doing this for your own good. When Matt and I got off the phone that night I was saying to myself wait a minute! I need to focus me! That’s when I took his advices just following it.

After the break up I followed Matt’s advices....

I got to get in touch with my two friends I haven’t talked in awhile and he said I should let it go. It wasn’t so bad. I studied for my RMA to certify as a medical assistant. And I did pass on my first try! That moment I passed I was so lifted! The good feeling that I accomplished it! As I left the building my body felt so heavy walking towards to my car, there’s Matt in the back my mind. The push how I should focus on me which I did. You don’t know how badly how I wanted him to be the first person to know that I passed my test....I never called him nor texted him that night. I broke down. I wanted him to know. I called my mom and let her know. He also talked about If I wasn’t happy with my other job I should quit and find something better or just go part time. Which I was trying to do this past month. But things happen for reason. After the chaos of the shutdown at my work I was able to keep my full time position and receive pay. I still have my other job which is helping still and it’s healthcare still. But I want to work in a doctors office.

With all of this chaos of virus I’ll be in the war zone working in the field. I’m afraid that I will catch it and die. After hearing the nurse who passed away the other day with the virus and especially he had asthma he was compromised. I sent applications in...just a few I haven’t heard anything but I scared to send more. So I just stopped. I don’t wanna be a victim. I remembered the feeling of trying to breathe and how heavy my chest when I had an asthma attack. Your drowning for air! You can hear your heartbeat racing loudly. I don’t wanna die like that.

After this whole shutdown I’m not gonna lie I’ve been having a good time. We’ve been just cooking a lot at the house. Like a lot.

[tea-cat-ina]