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Pimping - Tomlin's Music Is Life!

If you like music or just want to share the music you like, come and join my music group on Facebook today! Just follow the link below.....

https://www.facebook.com/groups/290848518194420/

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Listen to Top40/Urban/Chart mix - Dj Slik Live at Coco Lounge, Nottingham, UK. by Derevasounds8 #np on #SoundCloud Top 40 Urban Chart Mix Dj Silk Awesome Tunes!!!!!

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After you have read the joke below, please go over to Facebook and check out the rest of the jokes - Just follow the link below after the joke! 😀

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up:

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.

So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.

But he won’t say what it is, so he asks Father Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Father Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well." Says the priest. "It’s pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" Exclaimed Murphy.

"Oh my Lord." Says Father Flanagan. "Dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It’s a miracle! Wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he’ll have to deal with it. He’ll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome.

No expense is spared.

There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much needed tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy’s kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe.

Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!" 😅

Tomlin's JOKE PAGE!

(On Facebook)

https://www.facebook.com/Badbreed.com1/

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At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench:

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white patriarchal society . "In fact." He pointed out. "Some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society!.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said. "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery!" Asked the couple?

"Because I am the artist, who painted the picture!" He replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch!" 😂

Tomlin's JOKE PAGE!

(On Facebook)

https://www.facebook.com/Badbreed.com1/

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Not a joke, but with all the knife crime going on especially in London, I just had to share this!

A beautiful letter written by the actor Lennie James to a boy that carry a knife:

To whom it may concern,

My name is Lennie James. I am a 42 year-old father of three. I grew up in south-west London. I was brought up by a single mother. I was orphaned at 10, lived in a kids' home until I was 15 and was then fostered. I tell you this not to claim any special knowledge of how you've grown, but to explain how I have, and from where I draw my understanding.

I want to talk to you about the knife you're carrying in your belt or pocket or shoe. The one you got from your mum's kitchen or ordered online or robbed out of the camping shop. The knife you tell yourself you carry for protection, because you never know who else has got one.

I want to talk to you about what that knife will do for you. If you carry it, the chances are you will be called on to use it. It is a deadly weapon, so if you use it the chances are you will kill with it. So after you've killed with it, after you've seen how little force it takes for sharpened steel to puncture flesh. After your mates have run away from the boy you've left bleeding. When you're looking for somewhere to dash the blade, and lighter fluid to burn your clothes. When your blood is burning in your veins and your heart is beating out of your chest to where you want to puke or cry, but can't coz you're toughing it out for your boyz. When you are bang smack in the middle of 'Did you see that!' and 'Oh, Jesus Christ!' here's who to blame...

Blame the boy you just left for dead. Blame him for not believing you when you told him you were a bigger man than him. Blame him for not backing down when you made your chest broad, bounced into him and told him about your knife and how you would use it. Blame him for calling you on and making you prove yourself. Tell yourself if he had just freed up his phone or not cut his eyes at you like he did, he wouldn't be choking on his blood and crying for his mum.

Then blame your mum. When the police are banging down her door looking for you, or she hears the whispers behind the 'wall of silence', tell her it's all her fault for being worthless. Cuss her out for having kids when she was nothing but a kid herself, or for picking some drug or some man over you again and again. Even if she only had you and devoted herself to you, even if she is a great mum, blame her anyway. Blame her for not being around more to make sure you took the chances she was out working her fingers to the bone to give you.

When you're done with her, blame the man she picked to make you with. Blame him for being less than half the man he should have been. When he comes to bail you out and starts running you down for the terrible thing you've done, tell him straight: 'I did what I did coz you didn't do what you should have done.' Even if he did right; respected your mother, worked to provide for his family financially and spiritually, taught you right from wrong and drummed it home everyday... Even if he nurtured you as best he could, blame him for the generation of men he comes from.

The one that allowed an adolescent definition of manhood to become so dominant. The one that measures a man by how many babymothers he has wrangling his offspring, or by how 'bad' his reputation is on the streets of whatever couple of square miles he chooses to call his 'ends'.

Damn them for letting you believe that respect is to be found with gun in hand or knife in pocket. Damn them and everyone who feeds the myth of these gangsters, villains, thieves and hustlers. Anyone who makes them heroes while damning hard-working, educated, honest men as weak, sell-outs or pussies.

If you are black, blame white people for the history of indignities they heaped on you and yours. For the humiliation of having to go cap-in-hand or get down on bended knee or having to burn shit down before you are afforded something so basically fundamental as equality. If you are white, blame black folk and Muslims for taking all your excuses. Failing that, blame a class system that keeps you poor and ignorant so the 'uppers' and 'middles' can feel better about themselves.

You have good reason to blame them all. I wouldn't be you growing up now for love nor money. Your generation has so little room to manoeuvre. We had more space to step around the bullshit. We weren't excluded at the rate you lot are. Teachers hadn't given up or lost their authority over us. They still tried to protect and guide us even through our most disruptive years.

The police stopped and searched us, but we fought that right out of their hands - we hoped into extinction. But they want to bring back that abusive practice. They are still hooked on punishment rather than prevention. They seem ignorant to the fact that they are feeding you acceptance of an already prevalent gang mentality. As far as you can see, the police are not protecting and serving you, they are coming at you like just another street gang trying to boss your postcode.

When I was where you are now, generations of state agencies, social services, policy-makers and politicians had not abdicated all responsibility for me. We weren't left to our own devices like you have been. Is it any wonder that you end up expressing yourself in such a violently pathetic way?

We should be ashamed. I am. You have shamed us into a desperate need to do something about ourselves. We have collectively failed you and we should take all the blame that is ours for that... but so should you.

I blame you. I blame you because as a generation you are selfish, self-centred and have little or no empathy for anyone but yourselves. You are politically stunted and socially irresponsible and... you scare us. What scares us most is that you would rather die than learn. Your only salvation may be that still most of you aren't playing it out dirty. The vast majority of young men, even with all that is stacked against them, are finding their way around the crap. The boy you will kill, should you continue to carry that knife, almost certainly had the same collective failures testing him. He probably felt no less abandoned and no less scared. He also, almost certainly, wasn't carrying a knife.

Whatever it seems like, whatever you've read, whatever you tell yourself about protection being your reason, statistics show the life you take will be that of an unarmed person. That is what that knife will do for you. It will make you escalate a situation to where it is needed. It will give you a misguided sense of confidence. It will make you the aggressor. That knife will make you use it. It will bring you nothing worth having. There is no respect there. The street may give you some passing recognition, but any name you think you might make will soon be forgotten.

Your victim will be remembered long after you. Name me one of the boys who killed Stephen Lawrence. Once you've bloodied that knife you may as well be dead because you'll be buried for 10 to 20 years. Banged up for that long, only a fool would look back and think it was worth it. You'll be nothing more than a sad, unwanted, unnecessary statistic.

If you were mine, this is what I would tell you. I would make myself a big enough man to beg. I'd get down on bended knees if I had to. I would beg you to take that knife out of your pocket and leave it at home. I would tell you that I know you are scared and lost and that I know the risks involved in what I'm asking you to do. I know that what we could step around, you have to walk through, and that there is always some fool who isn't going to make it any other way but the wrong way. I'm just begging you not to be that fool.

Be a better man than that. Let the story they tell of you be that you exceeded expectations... that you didn't drown. Don't spend your days looking to be a 'bad-man' - try to be a good one. Our biggest failure is that our actions have left you not knowing how precious you are. We have left you unaware of your worth to us. You are precious to us. Give yourself the chance to grow enough to understand why.

Be safe.

Lennie James

Tomlin's JOKE PAGE!

(On Facebook)

https://www.facebook.com/Badbreed.com1/

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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was trudging through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried towards it, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties:

The Taliban asked. "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied. "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted. "Infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie! I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK, OK." Said the old Jewish man. "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom!"

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill. Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead....

"Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!" 😂😂

Credit: James Duncan

Tomlin's JOKE PAGE!

(On Facebook)

https://www.facebook.com/Badbreed.com1/

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THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

2. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Tomlin's JOKE PAGE!

(On Facebook)

https://www.facebook.com/Badbreed.com1/

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May wants to try again to get her deal through or extend article 50....

I say the only thing is we should extend is her neck, with a f**king rope.

In fact I think we should lynch every single one of the useless bunch of c**ts in westminster, and have a real hung parliament....😂

Tomlin's JOKE PAGE!

(On Facebook)

https://www.facebook.com/Badbreed.com1/

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During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't have). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more.

The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!" 🎂 😅

Credit: Julie McCreesh

Tomlin's JOKE PAGE!

(On Facebook)

https://www.facebook.com/Badbreed.com1/

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A Poem by Pam Ayres:

I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car.

A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.

I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life

It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is

my wife.

It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive

"It's sixty k's an hour", it says, "You're doing

sixty five".

It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake

And tells me that it's never ever, safe to

overtake.

It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear

And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed

It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,

I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.....😂

Tomlin's JOKE PAGE!

(On Facebook)

https://www.facebook.com/Badbreed.com1/

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Lady asked. "How much are you selling the eggs for?"

The old man replied. "$.25 an egg, Madam."

She said to him. "I will take 6 eggs for $1.25 or I will leave."

The old man replied. "Come take them at the price you want. Maybe, this is a good beginning because I have not been able to sell even a single egg today."

She took the eggs and walked away feeling she has won. She got into her fancy car and went to a posh restaurant with her friend.

There, she and her friend, ordered whatever they liked. They ate a little and left a lot of what they ordered.

Then she went to pay the bill.,The bill cost her $45.00. She gave $50.00 and told the owner of the restaurant to keep the change.

This incident might have seemed quite normal to the owner but, very painful to the poor egg seller.

The point is, Why do we always show we have the power when we buy from the needy ones?

And why do we get generous to those who do not even need our generosity?

I once read somewhere:

'My grandfather used to buy simple goods from poor people at high prices, even though he did not need them.

Sometimes he even used to pay extra for them'

I got concerned by this act and asked him why does he do so?

Then my grandfather replied. "It is a charity wrapped with dignity." 😁

Tomlin's JOKE PAGE!

(On Facebook)

https://www.facebook.com/Badbreed.com1/

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A couple were invited to a fancy dress party and had to wear a mask:

On the night the wife said to her husband "Darling, you go I'm not feeling so well and take an early night."

Obviously the husband protested and said.

"No I don't want to go if you're not going."

To which the wife responded by saying....

"No, that wouldn't be right just go."

And off she went to bed.

An hour later the wife was feeling better and she thought to herself. "I may as well go to the party and see what her husband is doing!"

So she put her dress and mask.

Once at the party she looked out for her husband and eventually found him drunk and flirting with the other women.

She thought what a sod, I'll teach him a lesson. So off she went and started to dance with him.

Eventually she dragged him into the garden and had sex with him while still masked to see if he would recognise her, but he did not.

After the Encounter she quickly got in dressed and went home straight into bed, waiting for him.

The husband arrived a couple of hours later and came up to the bedroom where the wife was waiting and she asked. "How did the party go?"

He replied. "No good without you!"

The wife then replied sarcastically. "I bet you looked really looked stupid wearing a maskeleton alone at the party?"

He then replied. "Nah I was in the backroom playing cards with Dave and his mates, I gave my mask to your dad, apparently he had a whale of a time!" 😂😂

Tomlin's JOKE PAGE!

(On Facebook)

https://www.facebook.com/Badbreed.com1/

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A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course:

The husband cringed. "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said. "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked. "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah! Sir. We're sure sorry about that." The husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self."

"Wow, that's great!" The husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out. "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem." Said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?" The genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants." She said.

"Consider it done." The genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now." The couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said. "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said. "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart." Said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.

The genie was insatiable:

After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked. "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35." She responded breathlessly.

"No Kidding." He said. "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?" 😂😂

Tomlin's JOKE PAGE!

(On Facebook)

https://www.facebook.com/Badbreed.com1/

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ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER:

This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.

Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.Do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have on my pension book.

It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.

It is on my National Health card.

My driving licence.

My car insurance.

On the last eight damn passports I've had.

It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.

All those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning.

Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal arseholes workin' there?

Look at my damn picture.

Do I look like Bin Laden?

I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere.

And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?

if I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last fucking people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another fucking copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.

You'd rather have us running all over the fuckin' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic fuckin' morons)

Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?

Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...

I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..

WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!

Tomlin's JOKE PAGE!

(On Facebook)

https://www.facebook.com/Badbreed.com1/

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TO ALL WOMEN OUT THERE:

(Some of you Ladies may Identify with this)

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.

Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch.

It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!

The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty.

You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - So you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR) you yank down your pants and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless.

(God I should have gone to the gym!!!) Your thigh muscles begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying....

"Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"

Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).

That will have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.

The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet.

"Occupied!" You scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.

It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - Not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.

You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get".

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes.

The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too

At this point, you give up.. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.

You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d.

You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??)

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this".

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom.

Annoyed, he asks. "What took you so long and why is your purse hanging around your neck??"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest? you've GOT to be kidding!!).

It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door!

Ladies, send this to all women that understand what bonding in the bathroom is all about! 😂

Tomlin's JOKE PAGE!

(On Facebook)

https://www.facebook.com/Badbreed.com1/

[tayla11-blog1]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him:

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says. "A hamburger, chips and a coke." And turns to the emu. "What's yours?"

"Sounds great, I'll have the same." Says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please." And he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says. "A hamburger, chips and a coke."

The emu says. "Sounds great, I'll have the same."

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" Asks the waitress.

"No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad." Says the man..

"Same for me." Says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?"

"Well love." Says the truckie. "A few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" Says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks. "What's with the bloody emu?"

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers. "My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say!" 😁

Tomlin's JOKE PAGE!

(On Facebook)

https://www.facebook.com/Badbreed.com1/