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tavyliasinessays · 6 months ago

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Disability Pride Essays - Enver Gortash, Invisible Disability, and Visible Mobility Aids

Our focus this month has mostly been on our heroes (or perhaps, in some cases and paths, antiheroes, but companions nonetheless), but what about the villains? Gortash might not be the most sympathetic character, given all the morals he doesn’t have, but he’s important, popular, and altogether quite fascinating. This bonus round will take a look at a few of the more subtle details in his character, from the mobility aid to some things people have noticed in how he moves and interacts. There is a lot to be said about his traumatic backstory and how this impacted his life and decisions to where his moral compass does not point where most would prefer, but it would be a disservice to pretend that all disabled people - and indeed all disabled representation - are beyond criticism and are somehow icons of perfection. We are, I’m afraid to say, just as flawed as anyone else~ Which of course does not mean that we’re all out there making plans to dominate the world with a captured Elder Brain. That’s a little much…

What is Gortash’s Disability?

Gortash is far from the youngest of the adult characters, but he is also not of a typical age that one would expect to see mobility difficulties. And that is exactly what we have on the surface - though it is only seen in a couple of scenes, he has a rather ornate cane which is used for walking at times. There’s also an element of mental health with Gortash, and whilst we could do a deep dive into the causes I don’t feel that’s entirely necessary - the effect is in a few subtle details that some players might have missed.

How Do We See The Disability In The Game?

A lot of what we see is in Gortash’s outfit and inventory, though some have also pointed out that the way he walks and uses stairs looks very similar to how someone with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome might move (this condition is characterised by a weakening of connective tissues, leading to a higher chance of dislocation in joints and potentially differences in range of motion as tendons and ligaments are looser). This was fascinating to hear and I feel like I should absolutely go back and look at the scenes to see if I can spot those subtle shifts in motion and posture, though it is important to point out that quite simply you cannot always tell if someone is disabled or in pain just by observing them. There is the cane mentioned before, that is only in a couple of scenes but has made such an impact that it quite often makes an appearance in fan-created works, too. Another key item is his coat, which many refer to affectionately as “The Anxiety Jacket” - this might on the surface seem like a practical item to protect him from the influence of magical effects that cause conditions such as Fear, but many like to see it as a garment that also reduced anxiety and other similar symptoms. We can also see the gauntlets he wears as being a parallel to forearm and hand braces - though they’re not particularly accurate to actual support equipment, there are plenty of people who will wear specifically adapted braces in those areas. They might even have a couple of fingers uncovered as Gortash does, in order to better manipulate objects and prevent accidental scratches/injury from natural reactions like rubbing one’s eye when it’s sore/tired.

How Does This Reflect Real Life?

The cane is a very direct parallel, even in how it is not present in every scene with him. We only see it a couple of times, but it’s there enough for many of us to take note and to perhaps feel a little validation and representation from that. A lot of people who use an aid like a cane may not need it every single day, and use it only as and when required to maintain their strength but without struggling needlessly on bad days or risking making things worse. So whilst an argument could be made that “the cane he uses is only decorative” that doesn’t quite add up, as surely he would have it with him when holding the huge event to impress all the patriars - more on that later though. With the gloves, braces and even compression gloves are common accessibility aids that can support and protect joints and reduce pain. Granted, ornate golden metal is not usually the first choice, but like the cane we can see this as Enver making his mobility aids match his outfit/style. Plenty of us do seek out more stylish mobility aids, or otherwise decorate them with all sorts of things from stickers and paint to badges and keychains. It would be very interesting to see braces or supports styled like Gortash’s bracers and gauntlets. His coat could also be a parallel to how some people find a lot of comfort and anxiety relief from weighted blankets or even weighted garments that apply a level of pressure to the body in just the right way to feel soothing. This is particularly known for anxiety and neurodivergent people, though plenty of others have also found this to be helpful and calming.

Invisible Conditions and The Importance of Appearances

So in the community you might see people talk about Visible Disability and Invisible Illness (illness and disability are interchangeable here). What this refers to is whether a condition is something that people can instantly recognise, and usually won’t question. This might be a mobility aid like a wheelchair or crutches, or a white cane for visual impairments/blindness, or a service dog, or visible braces for joints. There are some borderline ones like walking canes which are a visible signal of disability but might not always be respected as such, particularly if the user looks younger and not the expected elderly person using a cane to walk. But many people who still need accessibility services and options - like disabled parking spaces or to use the lift instead of stairs - may not have any of these visible differences. It may be a heart and lung issue, or chronic pain that doesn’t require a mobility aid, a fluctuating severity condition, mental health and developmental/learning difficulties - numerous conditions can affect people in ways that are not immediately recognisable, so we call them invisible. When you look at Gortash only having his cane for a couple of scenes and not in others, and how the gauntlets specifically serve another purpose of holding the netherstone, you can argue that his conditions are mostly invisible ones. Or that he is attempting to keep them that way, at least. He holds a position of high regard and clearly to some degree cares about appearances given how ornate his clothing is and how he presents himself as a powerful and charismatic leader of his people.

Were he to walk out in front of the crowds using a cane, it would more than likely turn a few heads, or even appear to be a weakness to those who might use it against him for their own gain. To someone with as large a target on your back as he has, even with all of the power of being Bane’s chosen, it’s unwise to give anyone an opening.

Mobility Aids and The Anxiety Jacket

There are a lot of different mobility aids that people use in their daily lives, and some are even ones that are not needed every day. It isn’t unreasonable to suggest that actually Gortash’s use of the cane is like a part time mobility aid user - he doesn’t need it every day, but he does need it on a bad day when a symptom is flaring up or he has to do more than he usually would. The jacket might also, as well as acting in a similar way to a weighted blanket, be akin to how some people have favoured clothing items that give them comfort. Something like a jumper or jacket, a hoodie that is comfortable and feels safe to wear. Keeping things stylised, as mentioned earlier, is just another way that people incorporate their mobility and accessibility aids into their personal tastes. It’s similar to how people prefer to choose glasses that they feel look nice - it’s not just about the function of the item, technically any style of glasses will serve the purpose of correcting someone’s vision easily. They’re there all the time, so having them coordinate with your sense of style and taste is logical, and can make you feel more confident and positive about wearing them. It’s the same as anything really - you choose a coat not just for how it keeps the cold and/or rain out, but also for how it looks. Mobility aids aren’t always so interchangeable - it’s tough to afford or even store a whole range of wheelchairs or crutches - so choosing the right one and making it fit is important at the start. Enver’s cane is ornate, and in keeping with the themes of other things he wears all the time. As a game character, naturally he just has the one recognisable outfit, but it’s plausible to say that were he to have a more varied wardrobe it’s unlikely there would be anything that clashes with gold and black as a colour scheme.

Function and fashion, essentially, don’t need to be entirely separate, even when we’re talking about disabilities.

City Design and Accessible Buildings

Now, I might be remembering entirely incorrectly on this point, but from my memory and the screenshots I was looking at, it seems like Wyrm’s Rock Keep might actually have full step free access. There is a lift (elevator) that goes up to the upper floors for the coronation and to upper rooms, and I don’t recall seeing steps at either drawbridge entrance or in the doorways to the publicly accessible rooms either. It’s an odd point to bring up, and hardly seems relevant to the rest of the game, but I do want to invite you for a moment to think about the game map and your own local area. In the game, there are a huge amount of places only accessed by stairs, streets that are cobbled and bumpy, a complete lack of accessible routes. Of course it is a fantasy game where there is magical healing, but if you want to go into deep lore then there can still be disabilities in fantasy settings, and magical healing is very expensive. Adventurers end up with plenty of coin, but this is from selling things they find or steal, from rewards for completing tasks that carry a strong risk of death to each, from killing foes and raiding their pockets for loose change (I’m not judging you, it’s a game and they don’t exactly have a Will tucked into their back pocket telling you who to give their coin to). The average citizen, however? The amount needed to pay for high level healing spells or potions is more money than they would make in over 50 years, and that’s if they didn’t have daily living expenses to account for. So to pull that back into the real world, look at the world around you. Each business you enter, notice for a moment - does it have a stepped entrance? Anything more than an inch could prevent a disabled person from entering. Is the speech or conference you are watching being interpreted by someone using sign language? Are there braille marks on important buttons like door openings or bus stop bells? Have textured paths that white cane users need as guides for routes been blocked by anything? Is there enough space for a mobility aid user to safely navigate between aisles and displays in a shop? Sometimes it can seem like there is no need to add accessibility, because you’re not seeing disabled people around who need them. But to that I like to remind people of two key points - first, if a place isn’t accessible, we can’t even try to be there in the first place (or we don’t want to give our business to someone who has not thought of basic access needs), and secondly we are still a minority, so the percentage of us in the population whilst still significant is far lower than abled people.

What We Can Learn From Gortash’s Story

It feels strange to say “hey let’s learn about this unrepentant villain and how he can represent us” but the thing is we do need diverse representation. Just as we shouldn’t have villains be the only characters to portray disability (directly or indirectly), it would also be unfair to have disabled characters only permitted to be pure and virtuous. Disabled people, and disabled characters who represent them, are people. Whole entire people with wants and dreams, needs and desires, faults and flaws and mistakes and everything that makes us all human. We cannot - and should not - boil them down to only being their disability. Gortash can be representative of how people’s conditions may vary, how some days they may need a cane but others they might not. He might be an example of someone who hides their condition, or whose needs vary from day to day. It’s good to remember that in real life someone who is disabled might be able to do something one day, but not the next. It doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be entitled to help that they need to do that thing on the days they can’t, nor should you be assuming they always need the support if it isn’t being requested or used. He can also show us how mobility aids and supports do not need to only be functional. If someone can afford to have a gold inlaid ornately carved cane, why shouldn’t they? If someone wants to have braces or joint supports that are decorated and match their outfits, that should always be an option available to them. I would also like to invite you to take the time to look at the world around you and thing about how things may be accessible or inaccessible to someone with different needs to your own. As a wheelchair user myself, when I started using wheels to get around I was taken aback by just how needlessly difficult it can be. Businesses with steps, curbs not properly dropped to allow for road crossings, vehicles parked too far across pavements and footpaths, even accessible toilet facilities being used to store extra bins or other supplies because there’s more space in there - forgetting, of course, that wheelchair users need that extra floor space to be able to enter, turn, and navigate when inside. If you do notice that a business doesn’t have a step-free entrance, that there’s no lift or level crossing to change platforms at a train station, that a car park has no disabled spaces, please consider speaking up or notifying whoever is responsible for the area.

I’ll round this one off to remind us all that it’s ok to find parts of ourselves in a villain’s story, and even to feel a connection to a fictional villain. Love them, too, if you like - I know I often do~ You can find a whole breakdown of why I feel we like fictional villains - and how this does not make us bad people - right here.

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tavyliasinessays · 6 months ago

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Disability Pride Essays - Halsin, Carer Fatigue, and The End Of Healing's Path

Halsin might be one of the last characters you’d be thinking of with disability parallels and chronic conditions - he seems to be pretty well adjusted, arguably easily the most stable of the companions - but that’s where we find another couple of angles to the topic. First is around carers, and the potential for burnout when someone takes on the responsibility for the wellbeing of too many others. The second is more about how Halsin’s story can show us what recovery can look like much further down the line, the result of time, work, and healing. So there is a little mild mention of trauma, but nothing in depth, so whilst there is still a CW here for talk of mental health and healing, it shouldn't be as heavy as other topics. Still, know yourself and feel free to skip whatever you're not in the right place to read~ Your well-being matters. So I hope you’ll forgive me for this one being a little less direct than our other character examinations, but it’s still a topic well worth covering~

What is Halsin’s Disability?

When you look deeply and closely at Halsin’s character, and listen to the little throwaway lines he can drop so very casually, you’ll notice a couple of things. First, he talks very casually about an incident that sounds intensely traumatic - years of being held captive by drow - but in a way that suggests, along with his actions, that he’s no longer struggling with the impact of this trauma but has come to accept it. There’s another aspect, too, that we see in the romance scene where he struggles with intense emotions physically transforming him into a bear. Now, this is obviously not a real disability that we see in the real world, but plenty of people do struggle with overwhelming emotions that can leave them feeling like someone different or unable to communicate in the ways they normally would. Beyond this, we see a carer. Someone whose instinct is to support, listen, and quite simply help in any way he can. When we first meet him, he’s very quick to offer his aid in dealing with the tadpoles even if he doesn’t have the solution yet. Halsin simply wants to do everything he can, because he can.

How Do We See The Disability In The Game?

The bear transformation is something we only really see happening without his choosing to in the romance scene, though at this point I’m almost certain that those of you who haven’t romanced him have encountered the scene somewhere by now. It’s one of the most famous scenes for how unexpected it is, and has been in plenty of promotional materials at this point. Arguably what we see most from Halsin through the game is in his interactions with others, and also if he’s Orin’s victim the things she says in his form are instantly gut-wrenching - talking about being held captive, tortured into losing control, harming innocents - these are easily what we can interpret to be Halsin’s worst fears about himself. Things he keeps well controlled and very carefully in check, with his instinct being to help not harm, although we know it isn’t Halsin, there’s a moment where it’s believable. Painful. And it works because it can reflect the real fears that people who have worked hard on their mental health can have about having a bad day and saying or doing things they would never consciously choose.

How Does This Reflect Real Life?

The thing I keep coming back to as I think about Halsin and his story is how he is similar to Astarion in some ways, which might well entirely be some heavy personal projection going on I’ll admit that one! But where Astarion shows us the early stages of recovery, of trauma still fresh and the difficulties of healing from it, Halsin shows us later stages. There’s more time that has passed, more work that has been done within himself and outside of himself. As a result Halsin has come to that point where he accepts the things that he has endured, even if they are still painful and he doesn’t approve of them, and they are no longer impacting his day to day life. Arguably we see this most clearly when he is quite happy to join in at the brothel with the Drow, despite his past experiences. Now, all that said, there is a point that can be made that someone who talks too casually about their past trauma might not have processed it in the best way, but for the most part what we have is someone who seems to be coping well in their day to day. It’s quite relatable, to see both the earlier stages of healing and those later ones, and comparing them can be helpful to see how far we have come in ourselves as well as the potential place we could be if we keep going. Otherwise, what we have in Halsin is the closest thing Faerun has to a therapist and/or carer. Whilst leadership isn’t his aim entirely, it’s a role he naturally falls into because he has that calm and understanding presence that many around him respect. Arguably, leadership isn’t good for him either - not because he’s bad at it, but because like many who fall into a caring role for the people around them, he doesn’t know when to stop. That’s the thing with caring, you don’t want to say “no, sorry, I can’t help you” even if you’re running on empty. But eventually there has to be a limit, for your own well-being. Just this morning I came across a meme that fits perfectly: “You can’t pour from an empty cup” doesn’t entirely work, because all you get from that is nothing. “You can’t boil and empty kettle” is far more accurate, because not only do you risk damaging the kettle if you keep trying to boil it whilst empty, if you really push it you might just set the whole kitchen on fire.

And this, really, is what we have going on in the Grove in Act 1. Not only is Halsin trying to lead and protect the druids, but he’s also taking in the Tiefling refugees, then going out after the goblins to investigate and protect everyone. He’s stretched himself too thin, not asked for help when it is needed, and as a result we have a Grove in chaos with nobody to prevent the conflicts from escalating between druids and Tieflings, Halsin himself captured, and the goblins now know the way to the Grove to stage an all out attack if the druids don’t perform a forbidden rite first. It’s a mess, and one he has landed in by trying to lead from the front with his fingers in too many pies, but when you do that too much you won’t know which fingers have gravy on and which have custard any more. Maybe that’s a very silly analogy, but good gods did I realise that I’ve been far too close to this myself with taking on too many projects. Luckily I usually know where the line is before ending up in captivity in a goblin castle, but if you’re also reading this and feeling like it’s getting a bit close to home: take a break before you burn down the kitchen.

Therapy and Therapists

When we look at Halsin as a therapist-like character, which admittedly may come more from the fan created content than the game, there’s plenty there that reflects life. There are a good number of people who go into therapy and care professions because they have direct experience with mental and physical health difficulties. There is a reason why all therapists also see a therapist themselves to cope with their work, and whilst it isn’t universal there is a reasonable venn diagram of people who have felt the same over this. To borrow from my own prior essays, “to truly understand suffering is to avoid being its cause”. Those who have felt harm will often seek to reduce it in others. It’s almost a shame that we don’t get to explore this much further, with how he can easily be a healing and stabilising presence for many of the companions, but that’s where fan works can come in and build on that foundation. I admit I often find myself thinking about how Halsin might use his experience and deep capacity for care to work with each and every one of the companions to help them heal from their own wounds. That, in itself, can be cathartic and soothing. I highly recommend it.

Taking On Too Many Burdens

So that downside of being a carer… I’ve already covered some of this, but we are very close to having a burned out Archdruid crumbling under the immense pressure in Act 1, then we go straight in to Act 2 where he has to face the consequences of past mistakes and all of the guilt that goes along with that. It’s clear he has not forgiven himself for what happened with the Shadow Curse, Thaniel, and Shar’s influence spreading over the region. This can sometimes be seen in real life, too, where someone has tried to help and made things worse, given bad advice, or generally made mistakes that they quietly hold on to for decades. Forgiving ourselves is hard, even when we rationalise it, look at it objectively to know we were young and didn’t know any better, or didn’t have the experience needed to help in the way we would now. But I want to take a moment to remind everyone still here that we are only human, not perfect, not infallible. Mistakes are how we learn, and we should focus on what we can do rather than what we cannot change. In Halsin’s story, we know he has been avoiding the Shadow Curse. He even tells the player that the land should be avoided if at all possible, because he knows the danger there, but still offers to be a guide. It’s difficult to face up to past mistakes, but with the right help and support, Halsin is able to find a way to help at last and ease that burden from his own heart. He’s no longer turning away, running from it, or feeling like there’s nothing he can do - instead he is able to find that solution with the help of the player and companions, healing the land as he heals himself. This really can be such a reflection of trauma and how we handle our mistakes, as well as the importance of knowing when we have taken on too much and need help and support. Just as Halsin asks the player to help him find a way to break the curse, to fight for him to keep the portal open as he retrieves Thaniel, we can see this as a parallel to a carer asking for help or respite care. It’s not saying “this is a terrible burden that I don’t want to bear” but instead “my strength has a limit, your help will make it possible to keep going”. With that support, with being able to know the Harpers can take care of the refugees, Halsin is able to find not only the healing for the land but begin to heal the hurt from the weight of responsibility he has shouldered alone for centuries. And just as a side note here, for those wondering why he seems so guilty about it all, there’s some lore from Early Access that was eventually cut from the game that explains he was the cause of the curse when he accidentally killed Isobel - that set off the sequence of events leading to Ketheric’s desperate actions, Aylin’s imprisonment, and Shar’s curse settling over the land.

The End of the Path of Healing

Act 3 for Halsin, if the curse has been lifted, really continues to reinforce that this is someone who has learned from his mistakes - both the recent and the distant past. He’s not rushing back to take over the Grove again once his work is done with the Elder Brain, instead he’s finding a new path. One that still allows him to be in nature where he wishes to be, helping the cursed lands continue to heal, as well as caring for the refugees and others who need a place to go. In the epilogue, too, it sounds as if he has learned not to take on all the responsibility himself either, instead sharing the work of caring for his people so that if he is gone for a few days he doesn’t need to worry about it crumbling apart or falling to friction and arguments like the Grove once did under Kagha’s leadership. Halsin shows us that although we cannot take on everything ourselves, we can resolve things when we have the right help and support. He also shows us that our mistakes won’t always define us, nor can our traumas, and although they cannot be erased or undone, there are ways we can reconcile them with ourselves. To move forwards with what we have learned and reach a point where we are no longer so deeply haunted by them.

What We Can Learn From Halsin’s Story

There are a few things we can learn from Halsin’s experiences and how they are portrayed in the game, and largely they serve as an example of that later stage of healing and reconciling past experiences with the present self. This might for some feel like a reflection of themselves now, but for others instead it can be an example that it is possible to make that progress and reach that goal.

Whilst we do see that moment of Halsin not being able to control his Wild Shape in the heat of intense emotions (in this case, lust and passion), it’s also shown that he still does have that control. That he’s learned how to handle that change and bring himself back to where he wants to be - in this case, going from non-verbal in bear form to resuming his usual body shape and calming himself. I feel like this can serve as a good example that although our emotions might still have moments that they overwhelm us, once we have taken that time to process them and learn how to cope with them, we can use those techniques to bring ourselves back to where we want to be. Not easily, of course, but we won’t always be completely at the mercy of the whims of powerful emotions. They’re still there, but what has changed is how we cope with them. Really what I’d like to take away today is that caring for others is a good and positive thing to do, but there must always be a limit. Drawing that line is going to be tough, naturally, but if we continue to try to do too much with caring for others we risk neglecting our own needs and ending up in a much worse place. It’s alright to ask for support even when you’re providing it to someone else, whether through a professional career or through a more casual role of being a carer for a loved one or simply supporting friends through hard times. You won’t always be able to do it all alone, and this is not a failing. It’s normal and reasonable to need respite, help, and support of your own. In the wider experiences of disability, many of us who are disabled learn this the hard way, that we might want independence but there are quite solid limitations to that which need to be worked with and around instead of fighting against them and making things worse. Many of us rely on carers and support to differing degrees, so it is also important to recognise when they may need reminding about not boiling that empty kettle.

So as we finish off this last of the planned long pieces, I encourage you all to keep in mind that healing is possible. That you can be a support to others in the ways that you once needed yourself. But to not let it be to your own detriment, you are still worthy of care and support even as you provide it to others.

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tavyliasinessays · 6 months ago

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Disability Pride Essays - Shadowheart, Memory Loss, Depression, and Invisible Chronic Pain

We’re at our last Origin Character for the Disability Month Essays, so it’s time to dive into the most mysterious of the starting companions. Shadowheart has quite a complex story as it relates to physical and mental health, as well as how the two can be inextricably linked to one another too. There’s a lot to look at in how she progresses through the game, from how her story can follow different paths, to her own relationship to her sense of self and memories. So let’s start off once again with our warnings for the content that will follow, and you can then choose if you are in the right headspace to proceed with the discussion or if it’s best skipped or saved for another day. I’ll be taking a look at the difficulties of memory loss through a variety of causes, from PTSD to degenerative conditions. I’m also going to mention some of the deeper aspects of depression and potentially a few of the less helpful coping mechanisms for that. Shall we?

What is Shadowheart’s Disability?

Shadowheart’s main issues are quite clear from the beginning of the game, with her lack of most memories and a very casual attitude to how it is affecting her. We also catch glimpses at times of the pain, which might be something that people who experience fluctuating pain conditions - and particularly nerve pain issues - may well identify as they look on screen. Once we get deeper though, we see more aspects akin to depression and trauma - her lack of care for whatever it is she’s missing in here memory with the adamant denial that “it must be so terrible there was a reason I don’t want to remember” or simply that Shar knows best. There’s also a potential thought further on her mental health, as she pins her entire identity and life goals on what someone else has decided for her.

How Do We See The Disability In The Game?

We have quite a clear progression in Shadowheart’s story, with the big twist in the middle of whether she can be convinced to take the harder path to healing (and the fun “reinvent yourself by changing your hair/look” is quite common in those struggling with mental health) or whether she leans in to the nihilism and darker thoughts. The early sections also show more of the pain coming out of nowhere, as she grips her hand, looks to be in obvious distress, yet soon minimises her own suffering because there are more important things that she needs to do and worry about. The impact really comes from how the lack of memories impacts her decision making and even her interactions with others. Once she regains her memories, realises what she has been made to give up, there’s a marked difference in how Shadowheart relates to both those around her and herself as well. A lot of it is shown through her relationship to the very-real-in-Faerun gods Shar and Selune, though you could easily think of these instead as literal representations of Loss and Depression vs Hope and Healing.

How Does This Reflect Real Life?

In real life, we don’t have spiteful deities and cult-like church leaders physically stripping memories from our minds, or an angelic being helping us to restore them, but there are plenty of conditions that can cause temporary and permanent memory loss. One that is sometimes controversial in the field of psychology is full memory repression - which is where a person’s mind, upon encountering a deeply traumatic incident, will completely repress the traumatic memories in an attempt to protect the individual from the impact of them. It’s one of those automatic and not consciously decided coping strategies that the mind will utilise for self preservation - if you don’t remember the terrible thing, it can be as if it never happened to you. I’ll go into this in more detail in its own section later, but it is one of the ways we can interpret Shadowheart’s memory loss and probably the closest to her experience in real world terms. Other causes of memory loss can be literal physical injuries disrupting nerve pathways in the brain either losing the memory completely or temporarily blocking the ability to access it. Medication and other treatments can also cause temporary or permanent memory problems, as can a number of conditions such as dementia, stroke, seizures, and similar brain-related incidents. Aside from this, we have the physical pain that Shadowheart shows in her hand. When I saw this, I immediately felt that connection to my experience of chronic pain and particularly nerve conditions. These can cause a sudden flare up of pain with no cause - out of nowhere it can feel like someone has grabbed hold of your bones and crushed them, or that somehow there must be a wound in your shoulder because it hurts so suddenly and acutely… Similar to how Shadowheart doesn’t understand her own pain’s cause at first, it can be deeply frustrating and also terrifying to not know when you’re going to feel as if you’re being actively hurt by something.

But let’s take a deeper look at each of these, and how we can relate Shadowheart’s story to our own lives and better understand those around us too.

Sudden Onset Pain

I’m going to start with the simplest here - the pain. Most peoples’ experience of pain is that it is a cause and effect equation: There’s something making it hurt, and there is also something that will stop it from hurting (eg, medication, rest, heat packs, etc). Some disabilities, however, are marked by pain that does not have a cause or a cure. Something can hurt with no warning, no reason, and there will be nothing that can stop it from hurting. It’s unfair, it’s scary, and it can also be confusing and frustrating to those around us. That’s where we need patience, for our friends and loved ones to take a moment to realise this pain was not a choice and there’s not much we can do about it. There’s no healing potion, no spell or cleric or herb or simple prayer that will just make it go away, and it may hit at very inconvenient times for all of us. Do try to avoid the temptation to suggest treatments, and be aware that one very good way to make us feel better is for anyone telling us that diet or yoga will make it all better to be immediately removed from the vicinity - preferably by trebuchet, but the nearest door will do! Which is to say, well meaning concern and offers to help and advise aren’t what we need. We need companions who will stay with us, listen, understand that whilst we might be able to go adventuring one day we may not be able to manage the same thing the next day.

And, of course, that we are probably more frustrated than anyone else by having sudden onset and unpredictable symptoms prevent us from living our lives.

Trauma and PTSD

Let’s go a little deeper now, because it really is impossible to discuss Shadowheart’s story without looking at PTSD and the marked impact it has on her life and ability to function in the ways that she wants to. The biggest thing for her for a long time is around wolves - similar to how someone in real life might be chased or even bitten by a dog in childhood and develop a fear of them, Shadowheart similarly finds her nightmares filled by the phobia of wolves. We see this in how she reacts even to just a sound, but when faced by more we have those game stats showing the just how strong that fear reaction is. Connecting by tadpole, we catch glimpses of the tiny scraps of memory that it brings back out, but it doesn’t make sense to her. There isn’t enough there to put all the pieces together. That’s something that may well feel familiar to those who have experienced memory loss from PTSD - tiny shards of that fractured memory can linger in dreams, or rush to the surface in flashbacks when exposed to a triggering stimulus. A sound, a smell, a word, a phrase, a sight, a texture, a taste - any of the senses can be the key to reopening memories that have been repressed. What I mentioned above, flashbacks, those are arguably the most severe symptoms of PTSD. In these moments, a sufferer who has encountered the triggering stimulus will find their mind can begin to recreate the entire traumatic scenario. This could even include hallucinations, but is often marked by very strong emotions and a more dream/daydream/nightmare-like rush of memories and images and sensations. “Feeling like you’re back in that moment” is the key, whether it’s limited to the emotions of feeling everything that was felt at that time, or a far more direct reliving of the memories and experiences. In the game, Shadowheart is able to confront the source of her trauma incredibly directly, and in doing so to overcome that. Real life, unfortunately, rarely affords such simple solutions. Instead there’s a lot more work with the help and support of both trained professionals and loved ones, but it is still possible to recover. Just as we see Shadowheart in her Selunite ending - finding peace with herself, her family, and even learning to bond with animals again over time - so can we in real life take the time to do the hard work (and therapy really is work) to uncover the causes of the trauma and deal with them until they no longer impact our lives so severely. Which really is to say that even though it might seem impossible, like there are just too many mages in a battle casting darkness and unfair spells constantly, it’s a fight you can still win with the right party, training, and inventory.

Memory, Identity, and Depression

Now let’s focus in on the memories. Shadowheart presents us with a very distinct and severe memory loss, it’s quite clear cut at first as she can tell you what she remembers and that the rest is just not there. As we move forward into act 3, and also bringing her back to her home city surrounded by familiar things, that’s where we see her memories returning and stabilising again. She starts to identify things, talk about them, telling stories as they come back to her about her youth and the things she still recalls. This can be quite a strong parallel to a variety of memory issues, but particularly I feel this connecting to degenerative memory conditions like Dementia. This might sound odd, but there’s some strong suggestions that being around the familiar and stimulating the sufferer by talking with them often and encouraging them to talk about themselves can retain more memory. Whilst it might still fluctuate, inconsistent and changing from day to day, there can be more “good days” when that stimulus is there to bring up more positive memories. But aside from the basic mechanics of being able to remember, there’s also a core part of our identity that’s formed by our experiences. For Shadowheart, she has lost her name, her family, her past, and anything that Shar and Viconia decided she didn’t need to be able to fill the role they made for her. She pins everything for her future on a single goal, following orders and aiming to gain what she believes to be a prestigious position that she has always wanted. Becoming “Shadowheart”, hardening herself, ensuring she doesn’t allow herself to be “weak” or to fail the task assigned to her… It becomes an entire identity. There’s nothing beyond that at first, and her arc if she regains her memories becomes about regaining her identity and working out how to reconcile everything she strived so hard for with the full reality and what her new goals have become.

And there are parts of this that can mirror depression, too. Leaning on darker thoughts, going through the motions to complete tasks without much thought beyond that one goal, and also becoming very closed off to those around you. It’s very easy to see that if Shadowheart had remained on this path, isolated from all positive influences, she would’ve continued along it easily.

It is simply easier to go along with the day to day, to sink into the comfortable and not put in that work to change, and I realise as I’m writing this that it might sound as if I am blaming those struggling with depression for not fixing it, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I know very well that easy path, how it’s simpler to push people away than to let them in, how it can be far more comfortable to avoid unpleasant thoughts and memories than to face them head on.

There really is a common theme for a lot of us to try to dye our hair and change our look as we’re pulling out of that low place, to have that strong physical difference that reminds us we are moving forwards, but it does come with a risk. We need to reconcile our entire selves, rather than simply rejecting who we were or pretending that our struggle is gone completely. Similarly, Shadowheart finds her whole look changing, a very striking and physical difference that marks her turning away from Shar and the comfort of forgetting, to the far harder path of trying to heal and face her fears.

Looking back on the essay with Astarion, there’s another moment here where we can see a parallel to addiction and former friends turning against us. This might not be so common with depression, but there may still be friends and loved ones who see a change in how a person is when recovering from an extended depressive episode and finding that they no longer fit in any more, or that the relationship is not as compatible as it used to be. That can be painful, to lose friends or even have them turning against you, but it is something we see both in the game and in real life at times.

Depression and mental illness are tough, and the recovery is arguably even tougher, but it is still very much worthwhile. Do try to ensure you have the proper and full support both from your friends and family as well as mental health professionals if at all possible.

And remember - it may well feel worse before it feels better. It might not be as simple and clear cut as a battle against physical foes, but to get out of that darkness there will be a fight and often some shadows of fears and memories that need to be brought into the light and fully understood before they can fade and shrink away. Recovery is rarely such a straight and smooth line, too, but one bad day does not erase the progress.

What We Can Learn From Shadowheart’s Story

Perhaps some opinions may differ, but one of the main things I take away from Shadowheart’s story is how patience, understanding, and letting someone work through things at their own pace as much as possible can be far more effective than trying to deny their reality or force them to change all at once. Whether we can identify and sympathise with the experiences of mental health struggles and memory difficulties, or the more direct suffering of chronic conditions and pain that doesn’t have a simple cause, there’s the common thread that we do not need to fully understand what’s going on to show kindness and care. It might be a tough concept to really empathise with from an outside perspective, but these experiences can be quite simply terrifying. It’s said that a lot of fear comes from the unknown, and that’s a common theme here too. From not knowing the real cause of visceral physical pain, to a literal lack of memories, to the absolute peak of fear in the form of PTSD and phobias when we may not know what triggered it or when it will subside - all of them stem from that unknown. That’s why it will always be important to talk about these topics, to gain understanding not only of those around us but of ourselves too - even if you have been fortunate enough to never identify directly with anything covered in today’s topics, you might just understand a little more about yourself in other ways. So I’m going to leave today with a slight apology for the delay between pieces, and also if this one feels less coherent - I’m feeling a little foggy myself from the impact of some stresses and medications, and an all-too-common lack of quality sleep on this side of the screen! But I hope you have found some of this to be interesting as we’ve looked through Shadowheart’s journey through her story, and how this can mirror real world experiences of disability and chronic health symptoms. As always, I’d love to open the floor to any of you in the comments or reblogs to talk about how you’ve connected to the story of Shar’s disciple and her journey to recover what she lost. I’ll see you next time as we go over Halsin’s character and how he can relate to disability, followed by a couple of bonus rounds from NPCs if I have time and energy before the month is out.

Be kind to yourselves and those around you, there’s no way to know what pains someone might be keeping quiet about. Patience and compassion can go a long way to helping us all find the light in the dark~

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tavyliasinessays · 6 months ago

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Disability Pride Essays - Lae'zel, Ableism, and More Neurodiversity

As we continue through Disability Pride Month, we reach the latest of the Origin characters to face my analysis microscope~

Lae’zel’s story is very much shaped by her upbringing. Her entire identity has been crafted by her people’s customs and culture, the Githyanki focus on strength and the need to win the fight against the Mindflayers taking precedence over absolutely everything else. But how does this tie into disability, you may be wondering? Well, we will be going over some heavier topics again today and in a fair amount of detail. The reliance on strength in a society to this degree can end up with ableism and eugenics, because in their single-minded pursuit of victory there is no room to care for the disabled in their community. We’re also going to take a look at some character traits from Lae’zel herself that some have mentioned feeling a connection to in terms of neurodiversity representation. So, with that in mind, let’s take a closer look at Lae’zel of Creche K’liir and what her story can tell us about disability and ableism in societal structures.

I just have to mention how odd it was that doing the GIF search for "Lae'zel" had so little of her and multiple Kermit the Frog GIFs instead...ok back to the essay

What is Lae’zel’s Disability?

Lae’zel herself can be representative of some features of how autism can present in people. She shows a preference for clear rules that can be followed and structures that are ordered and logical. She also struggles to adapt to a sudden change in those same structures, when rules change or things do not match up to what she believed them to be, it can be hard for her to accept that. This was actually one I hadn’t picked up on myself yet until talking with a couple of people whilst doing a little more research on her character and story for writing this very piece, and it’s really interesting to see. There is also the potential for her to be injured and receive a permanent stat debuff from the Zaithisk in Act 1. This can also represent a permanent disability from a medical procedure, potentially even mirroring some more traumatic and outdated “treatments” that are no longer in use, or even some that are still used today that cause significant harm and distress to autistic people. A lot more of what we’ll cover here is more about the society she was raised in and how this reflects her own views and attitudes, both towards herself and others.

How Do We See The Disability In The Game?

The autistic features mentioned in the previous section are more present in how Lae’zel is very single minded and certain about things, and how it takes a lot of evidence to persuade her that the systems she has trusted and relied upon for her entire life are not what she thought. Even with a lot of concern and evidence around the Zaithisk, it still takes multiple rounds of persuasion to get her to fight or leave the device before it does that long term damage if all the checks are failed and she stays inside. This same reliance on power structures and established rules and roles almost gets her killed again when we meet Vlaakith and face that particular truth. It’s a genuine struggle to accept that everything is not how it was supposed to be, that all those comfortable support structures are just…gone. It’s a lot for her to go through, and understandably it seems as if falling back on battle skills and strength bring Lae’zel the most comfort particularly in the beginning where she is living her worst nightmares - stuck in a strange land with the looming possibility of becoming everything she has fought against and feared since she was old enough to understand the world around her. If we fail the Zaithisk checks and Lae’zel is hurt, we see that very clearly in the permanent debuff to her stats and abilities. There’s no undoing damage like that, and it will impact her for the rest of her life much in the way that an incident causing disability could.

How Does This Reflect Real Life?

Autism has a lot of very different ways that it can present in people and in how they experience it. There are plenty of autistic people who might feel like Lae’zel and her story don’t represent their life in any way at all, but there are at least a few who might well pick up on those connections and find comfort in them. Some autistic people do feel, like Lae’zel, that having a rigid structure is beneficial to them. They prefer to know where they stand, what the rules are, because it is much easier to have things laid out in black and white than to try and decipher it from wider context or trying to read in to people’s reactions and hidden motivations. Part of this can present in being very trusting - it is easier to believe that a person is only saying something because it is true, than to try and see past any lies or read between the lines if there’s a difficulty in doing so from the neurodiversity. Similarly, having a routine can also be very comforting to some autistic people. They know where they are meant to be, what they’re meant to be doing, and why. Change can be distressing and take a more time to cope with, whether this is a change of surroundings (like finding yourself in a whole new world), a change in routine (going from daily battles that are expected to having far less solid plans that keep changing), or a change in the established rules/reality (finding out that long held beliefs and facts were never true). It can also be very difficult to accept that a figure that was admired - possibly to the point of fixation - is not at all what they were supposed to be. Losing that person to look up to can feel like a huge shaking of someone’s foundations, especially if they have built their whole life and goals around doing what that person expects of them. This could be a parallel to a parental figure for an autistic person who has always trusted them, followed the given rules, but then feels a betrayal or a change from the expectations of that parent, or even finds out that the parent they admired has done something they strongly disagree with. Similarly it could be an idol, someone they look up to, who equally does something unpleasant. Like, perhaps, a famous author who wrote books that became a hyperfixation turning out to be deeply bigoted against certain communities. Hmm. I’m sure I’ve heard of something like that somewhere… The rest of the parallels to real life will come more from the society and raising than from Lae’zel herself, as in some routes she shows a lot of ability to grow and change past those ideals and find her own path. Even if it still has some of those same structures, she can come to accept the changes in her own way.

Githyanki Society and Eugenics

This one is quite heavy, but it’s so important to touch on. Before Githyanki are even born, they are judged. If an egg takes too long to hatch, it’s deemed weak and discarded or left to die. There’s little room for any weakness at all in Githyanki society, because they need every member to become strong enough to fight and win against the mindflayers, but this also means that at any stage of life they can forfeit their lives. Even as children they are encouraged to fight - sometimes even to the death - to ensure the survivors are strong. Old age doesn’t bring a peaceful retirement either, there’s only fight after fight to look forward to, and the most relaxing job you might end up with in Githyanki society is becoming a tutor to the younger generations. Which is hardly a peaceful role to take. The entire reliance on strength is such a parallel to eugenics - the theory that those who are disabled or “flawed” are not worthy of surviving, that if you do not provide anything to society that you do not have a place within it. It goes without saying that it’s deeply ableist and completely flawed as a concept. It goes against how even prehistoric human society worked - there is strong evidence that we took care of our wounded, elderly, and disabled. Naturally a fantasy universe is different, and there are of course some humans now who advocate for eugenics like not allowing disabled children to even be born…but that is wrong on every level. There is worth to life beyond what we are able to contribute to society. We also see this in the use of the Zaithisk - the Githyanki are almost all of the complete belief that the device will help them, will cure them of the mindflayer parasite, but the reality is that their leaders were never looking for a cure. The device is a euthanasia machine designed to pull everything of use from their mind and soul before killing them. It’s brutal, but it is just another example of ableism and eugenics in action. It is more efficient to the Githyanki to destroy any perceived weakness than it is to try to help. We can, to a degree, look at it objectively - they are taking away a risk that could very well put far too many lives at risk. They’re in some ways isolating a terminally ill patient before they can become contagious or harmful to others. Perhaps, in some ways, using the Zaithisk to prevent Ceremorphosis is akin to something like rabies, which is incurable once the first visible symptoms appear and can lead to the patient becoming desperate or suffering psychological symptoms that lead them to harming others, so the only option is to isolate them and try to reduce their suffering until the inevitable.

Strength and Attitudes To Disability

Reliance on strength, and a tenacity to keep fighting, can be very beneficial to a society and lifestyle that are focused on an endless war and surviving it. Being able to push past pain and use every last ounce of that strength and courage can be the difference between life and death in a battle…but not everything is a battle, and that same determination can be genuinely detrimental long term. We can see this with Lae’zel being determined to endure the Zaithisk, until (if not convinced otherwise) she is permanently injured by it. But the same tenacity can also be detrimental in other ways, too, particularly when disability is involved. A lot of chronically ill people will easily be able to tell you that whilst an otherwise healthy person might be able to “push past it” and keep doing things when injured or sick with something short term (like doing housework when they have flu, or trying to work when they have an injury causing pain), this cannot work long term. If the condition doesn’t have an end, you cannot keep pushing through it. You can’t just force yourself to get better or be able to do what your body is unable to. Even if you manage one day, you’re making it worse for the days that follow, which will reduce what you can do overall. The best thing most people can do to manage chronic conditions is to pace themselves, ensure they’re working with and around their symptoms rather than against them. There’s a difficulty there to accept any weakness within an individual in Githyanki society - you have to be at your best every day, in every fight, or you might not live to see the next. Pride, honour, and tenacity - they are admirable traits, but might not be compatible with disability.

What We Can Learn From Lae’zel’s Story

I feel like we see the real downsides and brutality of a society that values only strengths and supports eugenics. Even from not helping eggs that take too long to hatch, they’re losing what could be valuable members of society. It’s a difficult one for most of us in the privileged position to be sat here reading (or writing) this piece to compare to real life, given the very real dangers and war that the Githyanki face are quite far removed from our daily experiences, but it is important to recognise that eugenics and ableism are still quite prevalent in our society. This can even come down to some screenings, or selective genetic testing in advanced IVF procedures that eliminate the natural possibility for children to be born with certain conditions and disabilities. Whilst on the surface this might seem “logical” or even “kind” to wish for children to be “healthy” and abled, but that really devalues the lives of disabled people in our society. Disabled people who have found value and worth in their lives, some of whom have contributed immensely to our society. Granted, not all disabled people will be able to change the world or reach lofty goals, but that doesn’t make their lives any less worthy - plenty of abled people do not have a list of incredible achievements either and we don’t suggest that they should never have been given a chance at life in the first place. And that really is what's vital about speaking out during Disability Pride Month.

How we talk to and about disabled people and our society's attitudes to disability can have a huge impact on those lives. We need to recognise the worth in life beyond what each individual can contribute, and know that a society with compassion, support, and care for all of its members is better and stronger overall.

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tavyliasinessays · 7 months ago

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Disability Pride Essays - Astarion, Complex Conditions, Specialised Diets, and Addiction

Today’s look into disability and BG3 is going to be around Astarion. Now, I will preface this with a very large “I’m not going to go into the obvious PTSD and trauma that he suffers, not because it isn’t important but because it really deserves an entire post of its own and one that I’ve been putting off for a while despite having 9 pages of it tucked away in a doc that has been there for months.” So instead I’m going to be looking at the other parallels that his unique condition provides, and the insight we can gain from that. I hope you’ll forgive me for skipping what is essentially the core of his story for now to instead focus in under the microscope at the smaller parts, but I really want to do that side of him justice outside of this essay series. With this in mind, I will be discussing topics which some might find triggering, including dietary restrictions and eating disorders, general mental illness, chronic fatigue, and also some of the controversial “cures” like the outdated and frankly barbaric uses of things like lobotomy. I’ve also got a short section discussing SH scars, and what ended up as quite a long section around addiction and substance use and how this can relate to the Ascension storyline. I have included headers for the sections so they can be skipped if needed. If you feel you are not in the right place to read about any of these right now, please do skip this entire post and I’ll see you for the next one. For everyone else, take a deep breath and we’ll dive in to Astarion and Disability. And, as always, discussion is more than welcome - I would love to hear your views, opinions, and experiences if you are comfortable sharing them~

What is Astarion’s Disability?

Astarion can arguably represent a lot of different things in both mental and physical health. The specifics of vampirism leave him with some very complex needs, from dietary requirements to the sensitivity to sunlight without the tadpole, and we also see the downside of his needs not being met (he is literally weaker when he doesn’t get the blood he needs). There are also ways in which his mental health affects him outside of the specific trauma, which may well feel relatable to some. There are also ways to see his vampirism and the potential ending outcomes of it as being similar to a degenerative condition with a risky treatment path. Ascending him is, without a shadow of a doubt, the simplest and clearest way to overcome many of the downsides and difficulties that he experiences from vampirism, but it comes with a very large cost to it as well. It’s also an irreversible change, and one that can mirror some very drastic treatments that have been used in the past to treat psychological illnesses and even some developmental disorders.

How Do We See The Disability In The Game?

Quite simply, Astarion has lower stats if he hasn’t fed on blood. He also has weaknesses to damage types, and by the end if he remains a spawn we see clearly that he can no longer be in the direct sunlight. So we can also assume that any other downsides to being a vampire spawn are also going to return when the tadpole is no longer suppressing them. What we see more of in the game is how he deals with everything. His coping mechanisms of humour, deflection, and often overcompensation in some areas too. Often it becomes “gallows humour” for those of us suffering chronic conditions and disabilities - which, it’s important to remember, should really be reserved for those who are actually “on the gallows”. But we also see the genuine fear, the struggle, and the acceptance that if he remains a spawn he will not have many more days to walk in the sun. He has to give things up to be able to stay alive.

How Does This Reflect Real Life?

There are a lot of things here so I’ll try to go symptom by symptom. Astarion’s specific conditions can reflect a lot of aspects of a lot of conditions, so it’s harder to compare him to any single diagnosis. There are also a lot of complex health issues that share symptoms, making diagnosis harder in the first place - something I’m sure many of us are far too familiar with in misdiagnosis or just long times to actually find the cause of these symptoms. So anyway, my ramblings aside, let’s look at the most obvious one first. Astarion, no matter what path his story takes, needs to drink blood to thrive. He can survive on animal blood, but he is stronger - quite literally - when he has partaken of the blood of sentient beings (mainly living humanoid types). This is similar to those who have very specific dietary needs, including those who might need supplements or infusions to make up for deficiencies in how their bodies process food. Substitutes might stave off the worst of the deficiency, but the right things are needed to regain quality of life. I could also now make jokes about how relatable Astarion is with that pallid tone, because I, too, am the kind of being who makes white paper look tanned by comparison to my pasty flesh, but there’s a real comparison here too. On the milder end you have those of us who get sunburn easily, who need to use strong sun cream and often still cover up and seek shade, but there are rarer conditions where exposure to the sun can cause far more serious reactions. This can be expressed as a severe sunburn after very little exposure, or it might even be an allergy response that goes beyond the skin. Albinism is also rare and can include a person having very pale skin and hair (and though eyes tend to be in the more usual colours they can more often appear red or pink in photos), and equally means direct sunlight can be a hazard. For some this might be a lifelong condition, but for others it might be something that develops later which means a similar adjustment - no longer able to just go out in the sunshine as they might’ve done in the past, they need to adjust how they live. There are also those who experience other difficulties from sunlight, like those with migraines strongly triggered by the light, or even people who have Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder which impacts their ability to be awake and active in the daytime/daylight. Some vision and sight related difficulties might also be affected by the light, which can be partially aided by light blocking dark glasses, but this arguably still impacts a person’s life and lifestyle. The way the plot plays out can even potentially be a much less direct parallel to any chronic condition that has a period of remission before worsening again, necessitating a major lifestyle change. Whether this is physical health or even mental health, there are plenty of conditions that can result in someone being less able to leave the home - a similar isolation to not being able to go out in the light.

Disability and Scars

I am going to just briefly touch on the scars Astarion has - not from the trauma point of view, but instead that in the real world many of us have scars as a result of chronic illness. Whether this is from treatments to help conditions, from incidents that caused them, or even from the conditions themselves, scars can be a constant physical reminder and something people can feel uncomfortable about others seeing. This could also represent self harm, which I would argue is a symptom of severe mental health difficulties. I know I certainly had plenty of years where I made myself uncomfortable to hide scars. Covering up with clothing even when the weather is hot, feeling discomfort at romantic partners seeing scars from harm or from surgery, even feeling the discomfort in myself to see those reminders of illness. This is something I have become much more comfortable with over time, though granted recovery and support have helped a great deal there. Coming to that understanding that I don’t have to always associate the marks with the pain of their cause, that even if I don’t love them, that I can accept them as they are. A record of what was, of the things that I have survived.

And that’s perhaps where the strength can be found in Astarion’s scars from his story. They’re not always going to be a reminder of the pain that caused them, but over time can instead be a reminder of everything that was not powerful enough to take him down.

We are all stronger than our darkest days, and being alive is proof that nothing has been enough to take us out of the race yet. Which isn’t to say we should be complacent, careless, or take risks. I think it’s more like a middle finger to a bursting appendix, or a dark period of mental health, or any number of ways the world leaves its mark more visibly on our bodies. A map not of our weakness but the strength and tenacity to go on, even if it was hard, even if we struggled. That matters.

Dietary Needs and Food Ethics

I think it is also worth looking at a little bit of dietary needs here, but from a different angle. A specialised diet can have some more nuanced issues towards it, including an aspect of morality and guilt. Whilst we don’t see a lot of guilt from Astarion over drinking blood - other than if he goes too far when the player allows him to take a taste and he apologises - there arguably can be, particularly if he remains a spawn and frees the other spawn. At that point in his arc, he doesn’t seem to revel in the idea of the thousands of spawn feeding on the citizens of Baldur’s Gate and beyond. Whilst I don’t want to go into a discussion on the ethics of certain diets in the real world - that is a choice for each individual to make alone based on their own morals and health needs - I think it is important to recognise that sometimes what a person needs to nourish their body might not match up with their personal ethics. For example, animal products. There are some people out there who cannot get enough nutritional value from a vegan diet, even if they did have plenty of time and money to manage it properly with all the best medical supervision and supplements in the world, quite simply put there are allergies and other digestive issues that can make this impossible. Other things like income, time, energy, and ability to cook can also impact how practical certain food choices are for people. This can result in the individual feeling frustration or guilt at not being able to make the decisions they would like to for themselves, and even facing pressure from peers who are not willing to understand that there are some circumstances that make certain choices impossible. The same can apply for people who struggle with food variety, and can apply to other ethical food concerns like the source of the food production, environmental concerns, and humanitarian concerns like fair trade goods. Whilst in an ideal world we would all be able to stick to our moral and ethical values in all things, at the end of the day we need to ensure we are getting the basic nutrition we need within our means. Some people also need to buy pre-prepared foods with more packaging, not because they don’t care about the environment but because they are physically unable to prepare the food otherwise. It’s something I see criticism a lot from abled people who don’t take into account how someone might not be able to safely cut their own fruit or afford to have someone to do it for them. Pre-packaged and prepared foods allow us to have choices, variety, proper nutrition, and not to forget another big point in this one: independence. So whether dietary needs come from allergies, digestive issues, long term chronic illness, or even from neurodiverse conditions that make it difficult for people to tolerate certain flavours and textures, there are a lot of things that can impact our foods and food choices. And the most important bottom line is that we are fed. That we get the best nutrition that we can within our own limits, whatever those might be.

The Cures and Their Downsides

Here’s the big one. And we are going to be talking about the downsides of the Ascension storyline here, and how it can parallel the difficulties of seeking relief from certain conditions. In the game, when Ascension is the chosen route, what we see is a marked change in personality - one that arguably is the worse outcome for the character in terms of who he is as a person and his continuing the cycle of abuse rather than breaking free from it. I am not, however, here to judge anyone who enjoys that storyline. I’m not going to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do with a fictional character, a fantasy story, and a situation that is not actually real or affecting any real people in the slightest. We are here to look at how this can mirror the experience of disability, which is a heavier topic in its own ways.

In the horrifyingly not-that-distant past, people with severe disabilities did not receive caring treatment. They were subjected to horrifying experimental treatments in the desperation that either they or their loved ones had for finding a cure for their conditions. This included treatments that drastically altered their personalities and decision making, like lobotomies. Early forms of ECT - electro-convulsive-therapy - were also not as well tested as they are today and were used a lot more frequently than perhaps they should have been, leading to potential lasting damage (modern ECT is a proven treatment for a limited range of conditions, but it is only used for severe cases that have not responded to any other treatments and is far better regulated at this point in time). Even now, people who are suffering with an illness or disability might look to very drastic or extreme remedies that might not be the most rational choice for their well-being or for those around them. It can also still arguably change how they act towards others, similarly to how Astarion takes on a different persona once he has Ascended compared to how he is if he remains a Spawn.

This is again where it gets more painful for some of us to discuss, because it can touch on the topic of addiction.

Astarion, Addiction and Disability

Addiction in itself is an illness, and more often than not stems from other severe issues like trauma, chronic physical conditions, and other psychological difficulties. At the core, this can be an attempt at self medicating - arguably we could see Astarion treating blood and sex like a substance that he is using in this parallel too. Something so he doesn’t have to deal with his reality, something that dulls the pain that he has chosen to perpetuate instead of facing in this option. Addiction to substances in life can be very similar - sometimes even starting in a similar manner: “If I have this, I’m stronger and better, I’m safer because I’m stronger too, so I will continue to have it. More than the minimum to get by, because I need it.” For some it’s an escape, for others an attempt to cure a problem that hasn’t been treated any other way, but the result can end up the same - they might be the same person on the inside, but to the outside, to the people around them, they’ve changed. Become something else. Luckily, though given how unfortunate someone generally is to be caught in the jaws of addiction in the first place, the real world does have support and treatment for sufferers. It’s not an irreversible Ascension, even if there are some who might treat it that way. Granted there are of course actions that someone might take whilst intoxicated that are far more severe and can’t be taken back, I’m not trying to minimise that in any way, the point really is that addiction can be helped and treated if the individual is willing. Again this could even be another mirror through Astarion’s story. Cazador could be an allegory for a substance, something someone turned to in their darkest hour, or even genuinely needed to survive in the case of prescription medications. Then perhaps gaining the tadpole is a period of sobriety, where the sufferer makes new friends outside of the addiction, ones who support making more changes and staying free from substance use.

Then there are his siblings, who might well be those still under the influence, leading to that most difficult choice. To pursue recovery alone, to try and help those who he knows are also suffering under the same problem which might make his own recovery harder, or to fall back into the same patterns. The more I think on this allegory - literally didn’t plan it out this way, it came to me whilst writing this piece - it really does feel very fitting as a mirror to that story and not one that I’ve seen discussed before. In addiction, one of the things that can more often keep pulling people back is being around others suffering the same addiction as they enable one another to continue the substance use and justify it to one another. “We don’t have a choice, it’s our best option, actually it’s pretty good” - and all this despite the suffering. There is a strong aspect of denial to those suffering addiction, it is much more difficult for them to see the impact on themselves - much like how Astarion can’t see his reflection, or the scars on his back and what they mean. Honestly I’m starting to feel like this could be a piece all of its own, so I won’t go much further than this and instead leave it to anyone who has bravely read this far - would you like to see more of a discussion around the realities of addiction and how Astarion’s story can parallel the experiences of those who suffer from it? And just to end this section for now I will make this very clear - addiction stems from suffering, and is very very rarely something that a person consciously chooses to fall into. Whilst I recognise the all too real pain and negative impact on those who are close to people suffering from addiction, it should be treated as a severe illness and given some measure of compassion and understanding where possible rather than judging every single sufferer purely by the fact that they are struggling with addiction. Of course you do not have to forgive someone who has done terrible things to fuel a habit or whilst under the influence, but most often the only way for them to recover, to not repeat the same hurt again and again, is to get the appropriate help from those who are fully qualified to do so.

It is arguably a chronic illness, and one that can be disabling, as well as a condition that can be brought about by disability itself as people seek ways to cope with the physical and psychological impact of disability.

What We Can Learn From Astarion’s Story

There’s an awful lot here, honestly, but I think if we strip it right back it circles back around to one thing in every section: These issues are complex. Although it might look one way from the outside, if we take the time to truly listen to and understand the depth of the individual and their unique situation, we will find that there is more to it than it may have appeared. Just how we find through the game the depth of Astarion’s pain through his past, how we see his interactions changing as he opens up and lets go of the mask that has kept him safe for a very long time, if we take that time with real people who have complex and unique difficulties we will be more able to understand their needs and ensure they are met. This might simply be not judging someone’s choices in food or drink, or it could be lowering the lights and closing the curtains for someone who is struggling with the bright sun. We can also learn to show that compassion to ourselves, and accept that though we might have scars that we cannot remove, they do not define us. They do not own us. Those scars aren’t proof that someone or something was strong enough to hurt us, they are proof that we were strong enough to survive, and even better to keep on living and finding joy in life beyond that basic survival too. To regain ownership of ourselves as the scars fade. We can’t get rid of them, not entirely, just like we can’t erase the past that caused them (whether through accident, surgery, or otherwise). What we change is how we see them, how we accept them as a part of our whole. And there is another core right there - whether it is disability, chronic illness, or trauma, we do what we need to survive in the moment until we can move beyond it. We can’t erase our history, but we can learn from it and know that it is just one page in our story. So, keep filling your pages out there. Tell the story only you can tell, the one you’re writing as you live each moment. Find the meaning in your own narrative.

Above all, be kind to yourself and those around you. We never know what scars are on the backs of others unless they show us, just as they can’t know ours either.

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tavyliasinessays · 7 months ago

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Disability Pride Essays - Gale, Neurodivergency, and Chronic Illnesses

The third of the disability parallel essays is going to focus on everyone’s favourite wizard, the legend of Waterdeep, Gale Dekarios. Immediately I can hear the neurodivergent (ND) side of fandom sitting up and pointing at the screen: “He’s like me!” and you’re absolutely right, but there is even more to him than this too! Gale can arguably represent several chronic physical conditions as well as being the chosen of the god of Autism. Sorry, god of Magic. Both? It’s probably both, isn’t it…

So with this in mind we will be discussing neurodiversity as well as long term chronic conditions and “spoon theory” (don’t worry if you don’t know what that is yet, we’re going to go over it along with “spell slot theory” in a way that might help abled people understand how many of us manage long term illness). I may also touch on the plot point around the Orb and Gale’s fluctuating relationship with his will to live, as well as the desperation to find a cure - so please be aware that if these are things you may find to be triggering. As always, look after yourselves and each other first and foremost. And, of course, your input and thoughts on these topics are more than welcome!

What is Gale’s Disability?

Gale has several conditions that we can see affecting him in the game. Whilst “armchair diagnosis” of real people can be a harmful exercise, and not something we would usually encourage, when we look at him and his behaviours it is easy to see a lot of traits common in Neurodivergent people. So this can mean Autism Spectrum Disorders as well as ADD/ADHD traits, though as anyone with either (or both) diagnosis will likely tell you, these can vary wildly from person to person. The same diagnosis can present completely differently between two people, so we will be looking at specific traits rather than an overall diagnosis for Gale. A more subtle thing shown with Gale is some joint pain, stiffness - he will complain about his knees aching when rain is due, and generally casually describes a lot of aches and pains that are common with ageing as well as in chronic conditions that affect joints. This is potentially easily missed as it’s in just a few lines of dialogue here and there and some background conversation, but we can see it sometimes too in how he moves and reacts. And then, of course, there is the Netherese Orb… One not quite so fun little fact here too is that in the real world there can be a lot of overlap between chronic pain conditions and neurodiversity. Not necessarily causative, and there’s no strongly established link that I’m aware of, but it isn’t uncommon at all to come across in disabled and ND communities. I’m sure more research can be done into specific genetic conditions that may have a stronger and potentially causative link to them, but that would be going too far down the wrong rabbithole for now. Did I mention I have ADHD? What do you mean “obviously”?...

How Do We See The Disability In The Game?

With Neurodiversity, a lot of the “problem” from the condition does not actually come from the person themselves but in how the world and people around them react to them and their behaviours. We can see this in the player base, where some people just cannot stand Gale’s infodumping or talking in depth about his special interests in magic, or how they find some of his personality and interactions to be more frustrating than endearing. There’s also how he was treated by Mystra - if we remove the relationship and abusive part of that for now, he went from being a gifted student, a prodigy in his field, to being rejected and cut loose from that validation.

Plenty of players found they disliked Gale, that his romantic advances and compliments to them were unwelcome and “too much”. In terms of Neurodiversity, Gale is expressing himself relatively openly with his feelings, and could potentially be seen as attaching to the player on a deeper level as a “favourite person” which can be a trait for some. Of course this was changed in the game to a degree after some backlash from those who weren’t keen on him expressing romantic interest after very little interaction, but not all of that is gone from his interactions or the speed with which he forms a strong attachment to someone he trusts. Then there is his “specialised diet”, which in this case is that need to consume magic objects. Honestly there are several ways we can look at this one. From a more literal point of view, we can consider him as literally eating the items like a food source which might be akin to people desiring to eat non-food items. It could also be similar to having “safe foods” which are things that have familiar flavours and textures. However the theory I find most interesting around the “consumption” of magic items is thinking of it more as medicinal.

Either way, Gale needs regular “doses” of the “cure” to stave off some very visceral symptoms. We not only see the relief when he is able to take the “cure” by consuming the item, but we also see the pain and struggle if too much time is left between “doses”. It’s shown in his character model, how he holds himself, you can hear it in his voice breaking as he’s overwhelmed by the symptoms of the Karsite Weave trying to eat away at him. If he doesn’t find any help from the player, too, he will simply leave to find his own solution. There isn’t a choice to just “ignore it and it will go away” - much like any serious illness it needs to be treated or it will get worse.

How Does This Reflect Real Life?

The real life reflections of Neurodivergency are quite easy to see for those of us familiar with those feelings and behaviour patterns. I could spend a while going over them, but then in my experience the fans who are deep enough into the fandom to be reading an essay of this length dissecting the character and the nuances of him…well, if you’re still reading and you’re neurotypical then I will be a little surprised. I mean this in a lighthearted way, of course, I’m sure there are a good number of neurotypical fans and those interested in this kind of topic (in fact it would be lovely for more NT people to spend a little time listening and learning when possible) but there is a very strong correlation between those of us who are ND and having a hyperfixation on one topic. A little like Gale’s hyperfixation on magic and learning everything about it, even to his detriment. It’s a special interest - he could never be satisfied just knowing most things about magic, he needed to know everything. That’s how he ended up in the situation with the Netherese Orb - he found a problem and became quite fixated and determined to solve it. That’s what problems are for, after all, to be solved. And he did it all with good intention, hope, and unfortunately without thinking through the greater consequences either. The single-minded devotion to a task, without seeing the bigger picture, can be a boon as much as it is a curse to ND people. The pain is also one that will feel familiar to people in the real world - whether through age or chronic conditions, this can often be affected by things like the weather and changes in temperature and air pressure. We need more rest, we complain casually, we make small pained noises when we move, and we adjust our actions to fit our needs. In some ways, we could see Gale’s need for magical items to stave off the condition the Orb gives him is like a need for insulin or similar long term medicines. It’s not optional and the consequences of putting it off - or avoiding it entirely - can be dangerous or even deadly. The way he feels around the outcome there could also be similar. Whilst in the real world someone isn’t going to just explode and take out a 10 mile radius with them if they don’t get their medication in time, if they were to pass away then the loss would be felt keenly amongst those around them, leaving an impact on their loved ones.

Neurodiversity

There is just so much we can say about neurodiversity, but rather than dissecting it piece by piece I think it might be better to take this opportunity to reflect on how meaningful and validating it can be to see these traits in characters we love. These aren’t things that are shown to be flaws or undesirable, simply a part of the entire personality of the character - connecting can really just be, well, validating. That’s the thing with representation. It’s not about making a huge fanfare over every little thing, it’s integrating characters and character traits naturally and treating them normally - the way that we would rather like it if the real world around us might do. It’s also a way to learn to love ourselves through the love of the character - to think something like “I adore listening to him ramble on about his favourite topic” and perhaps feel a little less self-conscious when we ourselves talk more in depth over a hyperfixation or special interest. Something like, oh I don’t know, writing a long series of essays about subtle disability representation in a popular video game…

Chronic Illness and Spell Slots

This is where it gets interesting with the comparison to game mechanics. An old theory that people have used to describe the long term impact of chronic illness is “spoon theory”. Spoon Theory was a way that a chronically ill person described their energy levels to a friend to help them understand more clearly how we have different limits. So the idea is at the start of a day, you have a certain amount of “spoons”. Every task in the day requires one of these spoons to be used - that might be going to the shop to buy food, taking a shower, going to work, socialising with someone, making an important phone call, or even something as simple as getting dressed. You have to be careful where you use those spoons, because once they’re all gone, that’s it. No more. You can’t just get more from nowhere, and if you try to borrow one of tomorrow’s spoons you’ll have even less for that next day. A newer and far more accurate comparison, at least in my opinion, is spell slots. So different tasks are like different spells, and might take a certain level of spell slot to complete.

Easy tasks we can repeat a lot without trouble, like perhaps talking to a friend online or taking a nap, those are like cantrips. We can do them whenever we need to. Small tasks might be a level 1 or 2 spell slot, which we have more of, but a large task that is very tiring and/or causes a lot of pain need a level 5 spell slot. And there’s the trick - you can spend your level 5 slot on a lower level task, potentially doing more than you might usually do with that task, but you can’t spend a level 2 slot on a level 5 task.

There’s no way to refresh those spell slots without adequate rest, too. In the tabletop version of D&D if you’re suffering levels of exhaustion or don’t get the right amount of uninterrupted rest, you won’t get back all of your spell slots. Which is quite accurate to real life, where not getting what you need means you may not be fully refreshed and replenished for the new day either.

When we talk about chronic illness too, depending on the person there might well be things that would be cantrips for other people - things that don’t feel like they expend any real energy at all to do - which take a whole spell slot for us. Having a shower might make an abled person feel refreshed and energised, but someone with a chronic illness might instead feel drained and tired after expending that energy. This can apply to both physical tasks and mental or social energy too. People who are introverted will likely understand when I say that for some of us it takes away our energy to socialise with others and we need time alone doing our own thing to recover some of that. Extroverts might find this strange, as they more often feel like a positive social interaction is energising to them and gives them a real boost.

So there you have it, spell slots! A way that might make it easier to explain how tasks take energy, and how we’re simply not able to conjure more energy out of thin air.

The Cure and The Desperation

I’ll preface this section straight away with a very simple part - most neurodiversity neither wants nor needs a cure. What’s needed is understanding and adaptation, patience and compassion to work with what the individual needs in order to succeed. Child has a special interest? Let them indulge that passion and learn all they can about it, that might become their career or long term hobby later in life and bring them a great deal of happiness and satisfaction. This section, when we’re talking about a cure, it’s for those chronic conditions that cause suffering. The parallel being how Gale researches and is willing to trade anything to end the agony that the Orb causes him. He’s ready to throw his whole life away because the torment is too much, until another option becomes available. Even when there are other choices, he’s still willing to detonate, potentially because he feels he has become a hindrance or a burden to those he loves. This…honestly this is something that those with complex and/or long term care needs can struggle with. It is hard not to feel like a burden when you need someone else to take care of menial every day tasks on your behalf, or need to keep asking for aid from those around you. That’s where the right support is absolutely vital. In those lower times, to remember in ourselves and sometimes to hear from others that they choose to care for us and that there is more we bring to the world. That our worth is not tied to what we can and cannot do, but instead in who we are and what our presence means to those who love us as we are.

It’s something we don’t always talk about, even within disabled communities, because these are deep and difficult feelings within ourselves and we don’t want to inadvertently cause more upset in those who are struggling or have been affected by loss of this kind. So to see that reflected too, the sorrow, the struggle, those very heartfelt and genuine conversations with Gale as he weighs up his options…that’s important to recognise too. Particularly for abled people to try to understand the depth and complexity of our feelings around the exhaustion of dealing with an illness that never goes away - we want to live, but sometimes we feel the weight of that struggle burying the will to keep fighting it. Even if the condition itself is stable, not degenerative, and not deadly, it is still a burden to ourselves.

What We Can Learn From Gale’s Story

Gale’s parallels to disability are complex, but there’s a lot worth learning from it. Whether it is about fully loving someone’s eccentricities and neurodivergent traits, or learning to understand chronic health through the lens of spell slots, it’s important to know more about ourselves and those around us. For Gale, I see so much of people finding him to be a comfort - “he’s like me”, “I can relate to him” - and that’s what we need. Of course not every person playing the game will feel a connection to him, or even like him as a character, but he is there and to a lot of us he has been an important and meaningful influence through his story. We can also look at the different ways his story can end - several options all quite drastically removed from each other. The ambition is a cautionary tale, the temptation of a “simple fix” is another when the crown can arguably lead to worse endings either under Mystra or losing sight of the better parts of himself beneath the allure of power and godhood. I could probably ramble on for another thousand or so words, but I’ll leave it here for now, with that reflection on everything he can mean to different people and disabilities.

Remember to be kind to yourself, and allow proper recovery of your spell slots before you try to spend levels you don’t have available.

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tavyliasinessays · 7 months ago

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Disability Pride Essays - Wyll and Sudden Disability

Next up on my list for disability parallels is the ever wonderful Wyll Ravengard. Whilst the obvious thing here might be to look at his eye and the link to vision loss, there’s a lot more that can be said about the main path of his story being a strong allegory for an accident or incident causing permanent and visible disability.

So the content warnings here are going to be around traumatic injury and incidents, as well as sudden onset disability and the ways in which we cope with these drastic changes both physically and psychologically. There will also be a little talk around ableism and family attitudes to disability, and how for some of us disability is something that integrates into our identity.

What is Wyll’s Disability?

Wyll is interesting, when we first meet him he has already lost his eye to Mizora’s first incident, but this is something he has already integrated and accepted. It isn’t bothering him particularly, and he has learned to compensate enough to fight and continue to proudly wear his title as Blade of the Frontiers. Although there’s still pain and trauma to how he has been denied his home, this aspect he has been able to fully integrate into himself and it isn’t something that he openly struggles with in the game. And then we have the choice, which is most often made, to spare Karlach. The result of that is Mizora’s most spiteful action, in changing Wyll physically and irrevocably. Not only is the process visibly agonising, as we witness him changing on the screen, but there’s clearly a leftover impact to that too. There’s a lot of reconciliation needed between the heroic image he had so painstakingly built up as the Blade of the Frontiers, to now looking much more like the very fiends he has fought against for all this time. There’s also the consideration that having huge horns growing suddenly from a head that has never had that weight would likely cause chronic pain issues whilst the muscles adapt to the changed balance.

How Do We See The Disability In The Game?

In the game with Wyll we see a lot more of it in his initial reactions and conversations shortly after. He has to come to terms with the sudden and drastic alteration to his physical body, from the horns to the scars and even ridges he mentions. Beyond that, we see more of how people react to him and what he expects from himself rather than the physical aspects that we quickly become used to. The clearest part of this are when he meets his father again. Ulder expresses a lot of unfavourable reactions towards Wyll at first, and reinforces exactly the things that Wyll has been struggling with accepting - he doesn’t fit in any more, he’s not like his peers, he can’t simply continue with the path that was set out for him when he was born. Beyond this, though, there is a chance for reconciliation. To let Wyll advocate for himself, for what he wants, and to prove that physical appearance or social status are not what makes him who he is and they never have been.

How Does This Reflect Real Life?

There are a few things in here - the biggest is a disability caused by an accident or a sudden onset illness. That can involve a similar complete shift from what someone planned for themselves, for their life, and what is actually possible now. Another one to consider is also society’s reaction to visible differences, and historically there is a lot that fictional media has to answer for in equating certain physical traits to moral failings - take a moment to think about how many villains have been visibly scarred, larger bodied, disabled, or generally not “conventionally attractive” whilst the heroes are most often attractive, fit, healthy, and usually embodying some kind of aesthetic ideal. When this is our childhood, we begin to make those subtle associations between “looks different” and “is evil/bad/immoral/scary”. So we can see not only external ableism in Wyll’s story, but also internalised too as he assumes people will only see him as a monster, that he won’t be able to be a hero like he wanted. Very few people in the real world set out to be literal monster slaying heroes, but many of us have hopes and dreams in our early life. Maybe it’s a dream career, or a qualification we’re working hard to earn, or an ideal life plan that we’ve built up and worked out as our key goal. Disability, whether through accident or sudden illness, can strip those all away very suddenly. This can feel visceral, it can lead to a very real process of grief as we mourn what we could have had whilst trying to adapt to our new normal. It’s important that we do, though, to learn to work with and around long term conditions rather than against them. At the end, we might find that we keep some core part of our dream, but it has changed to fit who we have become as we find our new identity and belonging with disability becoming a part of our life in an inextricable way. For Wyll, he was able to take his skills, his desire to be a hero, and his passion for helping people and turn it all to pledging himself to helping Karlach. He’s still a hero, still The Blade, but this time of Avernus not the Frontiers. Similarly, we might find ourselves taking our passions and finding another avenue for them, or changing how we approach them. For example, someone working as a stunt double might instead become a safety coordinator or a similar oversight role where they can still use their experience and knowledge in a different part of the same field of work. That’s not a common example, but it’s one of the most direct parallels. When we look at the ableism though, this is much more difficult. Externally, of course, we can treat people as people on an individual basis and work on any implicit biases we have when we encounter visible disabilities and try to ensure that we are pushing for accessibility. Internally, it can take a lot more work to change our thoughts and feelings about ourselves and others. It also doesn’t help to pretend we are incapable of being ableist - a lot of it can be subtle, for example it can even be in our use of outdated language.

Ableism and Implicit Bias

I’d also like to take some time on this and mention that implicit biases don’t make us bad people, they are things that are built up subtly by how we were raised and our experience of the world around us. What matters is what we do with those biases - recognising that they are there, and working within ourselves to change them and to ensure they don’t impact how we treat people around us. That’s what makes the real difference. On a very basic level, if you’ve seen a lot of films and tv where dogs are scary, and/or have been barked at or even bitten by a dog, and/or had your parents tell you to be careful around dogs because they are dangerous, then it would be natural to see a dog and feel they are dangerous. But our choice can be to recognise that feeling, where it comes from, and consciously choose to treat this dog the way you would any other similar animal - judge it by its actions, not by our preconceptions. The same might be said of how we might grow up with media of all kinds showing people with visible differences like facial scars. A whole generation with a villain literally named “Scar”, so it’s no surprise that we might see someone with facial scars and instinctively feel intimidated or worried. What matters is how we act and react, what we do and do not do, and how we break down that implicit bias. This is something that Wyll has to deal with after he has changed - he even mentions seeing his own appearance as devilish, despite how quickly he accepts that he was wrong about Karlach and shouldn’t have judged her by how she looks. He’s been able to overcome that bias in how he is treating others - and we do see how readily he helps the tiefling refugees, too - but he has to reconcile that in himself next. Between the scars, the features that make his own reflection feel unfamiliar to himself, it’s really not too dissimilar to someone getting used to the physical changes after an accident, operation, or sudden onset condition that changes things. The implicit bias is different, but it’s still there. Whether it’s getting used to things externally, or even internally, that’s a bridge that many people need to cross; the internalised parts of ableism that are much harder to break through, which is often something people experience with a sudden or new disability. Often those with chronic conditions or neurodivergencies will be self-critical, believing themselves to be lazy rather than what is actually happening, which is that we reach a point where we can’t simply “push past it” or “get on with it”. That’s the difference with a long term issue and a short term one. If there is an end, then it is easier to go past your limits for a short time because your limits will increase again when you’ve recovered. But something permanent? There’s no recovering, and pushing too hard will make things worse.

And that’s where we need to change what we expect from ourselves - swap our Frontiers for Avernus. Continuing to work against your own body and mind are a fast way to become overwhelmed, frustrated, and burned out. But when you learn what your limits are, and how far you can safely push them without making things worse, you can reach that potential.

Take it from someone who used to be physically fit and active who now has to be sat down 99% of the time - accepting that is the key. Let go of the implicit bias that says you have to be one way, and allow yourself to live in the way that works for you.

It is harder when this is sudden, when one day you’re enjoying hobbies, a career, dreams and goals you’ve worked towards and the next…the next it feels like they’re out of reach forever. It’s important to allow that grieving process, and to accept our reality even if we don’t approve of it.

That’s the same for Wyll, there. He needs to accept that he has changed permanently, but that doesn’t mean he has to approve of it. He doesn’t need to think of it as a positive or good thing to just accept that it is how it is - neutrality is the goal, really, because overcompensating can be patronising or minimise a person’s distress.

Independence And Autonomy

There also needs to be something said about how we as the player react to and around Wyll and his decisions. The best route, in my opinion, is to allow him the freedom to explore his options from a position of non-judgemental support. Where he is encouraged to speak his mind to Ulder, and to explore his own options. There are moments he turns to the player for our opinion, to give our input on what we feel about his future, but at the end of the day it is his choice how he moves forwards with the changes in his life. Similarly, those around us who go through a drastic change in their physical and/or mental health should be permitted that autonomy to decide on what is right for them, and to retain as much independence as they wish (so long as it is safe to do so, of course, which is a decision to be made between the individual and their expert care team rather than a well-meaning friend/family deciding what they can and cannot do).

Identity and Family

Whilst this isn’t universal to all disabled people, a lot of us find that our disability is a part of who we are in a way that’s just as irreversible as the changes Wyll goes through in his appearance. Just like he can’t get rid of his horns or change his eye, or remove the ridges from his skin, we cannot separate ourselves from our disabilities. This is more prevalent in some communities than others, and can really vary from person to person too. The one that springs to mind for me is the Deaf/deaf communities - the capital D is an important distinction, from what I understand, as this encompasses more of Deaf culture like sign language and other things that are unique and important to the Deaf communities. There can be some people who tell us that “you shouldn’t let disability be your identity” or things like that, but actually it is accepting the disabilities as a part of ourselves that can be the most empowering and beneficial long term. Fighting it, pretending it isn’t there, or just denying our reality…that doesn’t help. It isn’t “giving up” to simply accept that “this is how my life is now, and this is what I need to be able to do what I want to do”. Family members can also have a hard time accepting things too. Just like Ulder at first finds it hard to reconcile how much his son has changed, particularly as his own biases come into play, he does eventually listen and learn. This is all we can ask from our own families, and what we need most - for them to hear what we are saying and to accept who we are, as we are. We are disabled, being disabled is a part of our identity, but it is not the only thing about us. It isn’t the entirety of our identity, but it is something we cannot deny or remove entirely, even if it is one that can be invisible.

What We Can Learn From Wyll’s Story

The parallel to Wyll’s story is one that could happen to any one of us at any time. It’s impossible to guarantee that we won’t ever be involved in a traumatic incident or experience a sudden illness that changes the course of our lives. The world can mark us in many ways, so it is important for us to be aware of what we might expect, and how we might better support those around us who experience these life events too. The obvious lesson is around judging appearances and unlearning implicit biases that could impact how we treat ourselves and others. Just because horns and a fiery eye have long been associated with devilish and evil creatures, does not mean that someone who has those very features is evil by nature or cannot be a hero. Wyll proves to us, and to himself, that he is every bit the hero he has always worked hard to be even if he might look like the very fiends he has devoted his life to fighting against. The less obvious one is to recognise that a drastic physical change can take longer to come to terms with internally. Whether that is overcoming internalised ableism and implicit bias, or simply allowing proper time and space for the grief to process at the loss of “what was” to subside into accepting “what is” and looking towards “what can be”. This can’t be rushed, we can’t skip to the end of that process for ourselves or for others. It takes time.

But at the end of the day, having people there who are willing to listen, learn, and support without judging or trying to make decisions for us, that will make the transition towards the “new normal” much more bearable.

So do keep in mind during disability pride month, that the disabled community is the one minority that anyone could become a part of at any time in their life.

Supporting the community, fighting for accessibility and equitable treatment, that doesn’t just help us in the here and now, it could help you or your loved ones in the future.

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tavyliasinessays · 7 months ago

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Disability Pride Essays - Karlach and Terminal Illness

So to start the Disability Pride Month essays, I’m going to open with one of the heaviest topics of all - terminal illness. So, please be warned this discussion will include topics around euthanasia and will to live, such as they are reflected in Karlach’s story. I will also be mentioning a few terminal illnesses and their treatments by name. There is additionally some NSFW content in the discussion of how Karlach’s early game romance can relate to sex and intimacy for those with chronic conditions. So with this in mind, if you’re not in the right place to read this right now, please do feel free to skip it entirely. These topics are heavy and may be a lot to read for someone who has a connection to them. It is also not suitable for those under 18.

What Is Karlach’s Disability?

Karlach is one of the clearest examples of a disability parallel to me, and also one of the most complex. Of course there are choices in her story that affect the outcome, but those are strikingly similar to the choices people often make with real chronic, degenerative, and terminal illness. On the surface level, Karlach has a heart problem. Although it might not prevent her from performing a lot of day to day tasks (she can walk, run, and even fight just fine for the most part) the condition can still flare up causing her short periods of intense physical and psychological distress. We can also interpret some of this as being similar to mental health symptoms in which emotions are felt to a greater intensity and most people might experience them.

The other issue Karlach has in day-to-day life is around intimacy. Of course there aren’t really people who catch fire just for being close to someone they like, or who are literally too hot to touch, but there are those who find touch too painful. Those who, much as they might like to, can’t enjoy an intimate physical relationship due to pain.

How Do We See The Disability In The Game?

We see a longer progression with Karlach, and this reflects a lot of what we have in the real world with these situations. First she experiences the symptoms, then learns about them from Dammon who offers a temporary treatment to relieve some of it. Which is similar to a medical treatment, one that helps some of the symptoms but isn’t a cure. It buys time, but we know that her heart isn’t fully fixed, that she still can’t do everything she wants to. There are moments we see her emotions take over, or the physical aspects of the condition “flare up” as she struggles with it. Moving in to Act 2, we see another treatment, another sliver of hope, but it’s one that comes at a cost. We know that it will help her for now, the short term hope and joy that Karlach can actually enjoy intimacy and touch, but…it arrives with the knowledge that long term, there is no guaranteed cure. By Act 3, she is learning to live with it, finding more control over some of the outbursts (for example, she will hold off from attacking Gortash at the first meeting even though she’s clearly feeling a lot of intense emotions in that moment, compared to not holding back in the fight with the false paladins in Act 1.

How Does This Reflect Real Life

Really what we are seeing here is similar to a terminal illness like cancer, and other degenerative conditions that have a variable outcome. Treatments like chemotherapy or radiotherapy for some can offer hope at first, a test to see if it can treat the illness, often even with some initial positive results. At the very least, these can slow down the progression and buy time - much like the initial heart upgrades buy more time for Karlach.

Karlach, Sex, and Intimacy

We can take a closer look just at the intimacy side for a moment too, and how it’s handled within the game. Karlach’s early romance scene, it’s not safe for her to be intimate with a partner, much as she might want to, it would hurt them. One more direct real world parallel for this could be a condition called vaginismus, which can make vaginal penetration too painful for a sufferer to endure, and mean they are unable to enjoy a lot of sex acts. Similar to Karlach’s scene, some might look to different forms of intimacy with a partner like talking about fantasies, or other lighter and different types of partnered sexual pleasure. There are treatments for it, but they take time and patience, and might not be suitable for everyone. There are also, of course, conditions that can make sex acts painful or impossible for those with penises too - so again looking at these other forms of intimacy like sharing fantasies in conversation can be validating to see for people who aren’t able to (or even who simply don’t wish to) engage in a physical sexual relationship with a partner (or partners). There are plenty of disabilities that change how we approach sex and sexual intimacy, which in my opinion can make these scenes more impactful to those who might relate or may not have thought about this as an option in the past.

The Hardest Choices

The ending of Karlach’s storyline really is the most heartbreaking turning point. It’s a crossroads that many reach - a difficult decision between keeping on fighting a much harder battle like Karlach does if she goes to Avernus, not knowing if she will win, or choosing to stop fighting on their own terms. Karlach’s speech on the docks, and even several times she talks before that, really echoes some of the intense feelings and experiences of terminal illness. It’s a constant fight, and choosing to keep going - to keep hoping for a cure that might never come, to buy time - is to lose a lot of quality of life too. Because you can’t just take a day off from intensive treatments (or in her case, from fighting for her life in the hells), and although there are good things worth fighting for, and still some positives within it like the friends or partner who might travel with her to Avernus, sometimes…sometimes for people they don’t feel it’s worth it. They would rather choose a peaceful end, to lay down their sword and stop fighting, instead of continuing to struggle against the tide. Just like for the other characters - and for us as the players - this can be really hard for loved ones to accept. But at the end of the day it is the choice of the sufferer as to what they’re willing to endure. We can’t - and shouldn’t - force anyone to go through more than they genuinely want to. Of course they often want to live, and it is never an easy choice for a patient or for their family to know their time is coming to an end sooner than we would like, but the best we can do is to be there for them. To accept that living isn't quite so easy, that there is a balance to be struck and a toll to be paid. To listen, to make sure they aren’t there alone “on the docks” even if it’s hard.

What We Can Learn From Karlach’s Story

The main takeaway here is that terminal illness is going to affect people in all kinds of ways that might be unpredictable. They might act in ways that seem irrational to us, they might fall to despair or they might continue to hope and be an upbeat influence trying to support their loved ones. Often, it’s a mix of things. Our role as people who love them is to give them the space to talk, to be heard, and to respect their decisions even if it’s hard on us.

There will often be a choice to be made between quality of life and quantity of life, and much as everyone’s usual instinct is to live as long and as much as they can, it isn’t fair to expect someone to endure an endless battle that might have nothing at the end other than an even less kind passing. We can also be more aware of different kinds of intimacy with partners who have difficulty with physical sex acts, and find the things that might be enjoyable instead. So perhaps next time you’re playing through the game, take a moment to listen closer to the lines between the lines, hear the echoes of real world voices from the heartfelt and impassioned speeches we hear from this complex and beloved character.

With Thanks

I’m going to round this one off with my deepest gratitude to Larian Studios for the wonderful writing and production in the game, and to Sam too for their absolutely unforgettable performance as Karlach. I have seen several people in my life go through stages of terminal illnesses, as well as others fighting their "battles through Avernus" with hope in their hearts. Whether it was intentional or not, I feel like Karlach’s story is a truly beautiful and heartfelt mirror to these experiences, as we see her struggle with everything it means and all the decisions to be made along the way.

My love, as always, goes out to all of you who have been affected by chronic and terminal illness, whether in yourselves or in those around you.

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tavyliasinessays · 7 months ago

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Disability Pride Month and BG3!

It’s Disability Pride Month! And you know what that means, right? No? Well it has been ages and I’ve long been casually planning a series of short (maybe) essays around the parallels to disability - and the clearer disability representation - throughout Baldur’s Gate 3 in both the characters and the story. So what better month than this to finally work on them and bring them out?

Whilst I do have some personal lived experience with disability, this doesn’t account for every type of condition or all the ways that different disabilities affect so many of us. Two people with the same condition can have quite a different lived experience, and even the condition itself can vary significantly. So what I mean to say here, loves, is that if you have a differing opinion, or there’s something I’ve missed, or you’d just like to add your thoughts - please do just that!

I welcome hearing from all of you about how you relate to the game through your own lived experiences, and what the characters can mean to you. Representation isn’t always clear, but honestly I think when we look closer we can see parts of all kinds of experiences reflected through the characters and story. So, what I intend to do is create a series of essays, looking in depth at the potential parallels we can see in each of the main companions that I’m most familiar with (unfortunately I don’t know Minthara well enough to include her in this, but I would welcome input from others!) and then perhaps some of the other characters. These pieces are not meant to be diagnostic in any way, or claiming “this character has this illness”, but instead is a look at how the characters and their stories and details can be similar to real world disability and health, and how different people might find ways to relate to their experiences through this. Links will be edited in here as the essays are completed!

Planned Disability Discussion Posts

Karlach - Terminal Illness (Completed) Wyll - Sudden Physical Change (Traumatic Incident) Gale - Chronic Illness, Autism Astarion - Mental illness, Specialised Foods Lae’zel - Ableism and Mental illness Shadowheart - Memory Difficulties, Fluctuating Chronic Pain Halsin - Carer Fatigue

--- I'm not sure how quickly I'll get through posting these as I'm having a tough time with my own physical health right now - isn't that ironic? - but I do intend to get through at least this list by the end of July in between fic writing and other projects.

If you would like to suggest other characters, storylines, or disability related topics in BG3 please let me know! I'd love to hear how you all relate to the game and the characters from these angles too, and I might be willing to add things to this list if I can.

Lia's Disability Experience

As a little peek behind the curtain (and for full disclosure that I'm not an abled person here to talk over disabled experiences) without giving you too much of myself on the single plate, my lived experience is with an unpredictable chronic pain condition as well as a few other chronic illnesses and disability issues. I'm a wheelchair user, partially ambulatory (essentially I can shamble around in my home with assistance but outside the house I rely on my wheels), and my most prevalent symptom is constant pain. I have made vague references to these things in a few works and the experience does provide me with some fic inspiration for a couple of works. I'm far too familiar with Loviatar's embrace, but I feel this is something that can be used to my advantage at times like these where I can examine the characters and storylines from angles that abled people might not consider.

Your Input!

I really would love to hear from all of you - what other characters do you feel reflect some of the lived experiences of disabled people? Are there any that you connected to? Did you find the game was accessible for you to play as a disabled person? What do you wish you saw more of in the game or in games in general? This month really is an important one for awareness and understanding, as well as finding things in ourselves to be proud of that don't fall into the categories of "inspiration porn" or the kinds of internalised ableism that can drive some of us to push too hard to work against our conditions instead of with and around them leading to more issues.

Remember - The Disabled Community is the one minority that anyone could become a part of at any time. Advocating for our rights could also be advocating for your own future or that of a loved one.

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tavyliasinessays · 8 months ago

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A guide to Beta Reading now, more thoroughly looking at how writers and readers can work together to provide helpful feedback to make fics the very best they can be~

Beta Reading FanFiction - A Guide for Readers and Writers!

Let's just start this off right away - hi there fic writers who prefer to "no beta we die like [character]"! I used to be a lot like you, but then I found that when I struggled or didn't know what to do in a piece, or my confidence in it waned entirely, the one thing that saved the fic and helped it to reach its full potential was a trusty Beta Reader or two! So, this guide will be aimed at both writers themselves and Beta Readers, and of course those who are interested in becoming both/either and want to get more of a feel for what to expect and how to be more helpful to one another with Beta Reading and editing works. Let's begin, shall we? I'll pop up a header for each section to make it easier to go over as well~

Why Use Beta Readers?

When we're writing a piece, it is very easy to get into the flow and overlook minor mistakes. Also, when we know our story inside and out, we might be forgetting to explain a plot point or set it up properly for the payoff later, and sometimes we might even be overexplaining something that is better left to the space between the lines to let the reader get a feel for it without holding their hand to every realisation. The point is, we can be too close to our works. Fresh eyes and opinions can see things that we couldn't, and a good Beta can also give you confidence back and motivation if you're struggling with block or losing faith in your style/story/ability.

Why not rely on Google/Spellcheck? Grammarly?

The automatic tools in most programs won't always pick things up that you need them to, like maybe you used the same word 3 times in one paragraph. To a reader that'll sound off, it'll break the flow, but a spell checker won't notice it at all. Sometimes, too, automated tools can make entirely incorrect suggestions. I have had them try to suggest I change words that were used and spelled perfectly into other words that did not fit the context or purpose in the slightest. No, google, they purred in her ear, not pureed. They didn't pull out a blender from nowhere... These automated tools - and particularly things like Grammarly - are also no good at all for things like style or speech patterns. They might be wonderful for professional emails or checking over an essay, but when it comes to creative writing they tend to fall far short of the mark.

How do I find Beta Readers?

Sometimes you might find willing Beta Readers amongst your audience, other times you may well need to look further afield. One method can be looking at creative communities and fandom communities for the fandom/characters you're writing about. Another could be offering a beta-swap with another writer so you help check each others' works over.

How do I offer to Beta Read or find works needing checks?

You could approach a writer directly if you want to, but you will likely find that offering to beta read for people will quickly bring up those who are looking for them. There might be fic and writing communities specifically looking for beta readers to help out. There's more often a shortage of feedback than there is a shortage of works that need it! I do, however, recommend that you keep a list of "red light topics" with your offers. Let people know the things you are not willing/able to read. Almost everyone has content types they're not comfortable engaging with for any number of reasons - you don't have to explain why, just be honest and say "I am not able to beta read works containing topics x, y, and z." Anyone demanding you give them your reasoning for not wanting to read those topics does not deserve the answer. Boundaries are there to be respected and keep us all safe.

How does it work? What do I need to set up first?

One of the easiest ways to comment and give feedback is by using Google Docs. Those of you familiar with GDocs, or those not interested in using them, can feel free to skip ahead to the next section now! When using google docs, if you are reading and commenting on peoples' works and your legal name is connected to your google email account, it is worth considering a secondary email account and google profile under your username/pseudonym to maintain your anonymity and comfort. I do this myself, I have a separate email I use for fic writing (which also helps keep my Google Drive neater!) and open the windows with the different accounts.

The black arrow there shows the profile icon that brings up this menu, then you can click the Add option at the bottom to have a new profile in your browser. I find it also helps to use the settings to colour code them, so while my main email ID uses a black colour scheme and window border, for this account I have purple. That way I know which account I'm in when I open a document to read it for someone, and keep my main email and ID separated.

When sharing your document, you'll need to decide on the level of privacy. Generally with fic I will use the option for "anyone with the link can comment" and share the link in specific discord servers with beta readers, or in other cases send it privately via DM. The upside of this is it is easy to use, and you do not need to manually approve access for anyone offering reads. The sharing menu is on the top right of your doc, and it will bring up this window for you. The first open box will allow you to type in specific email addresses to give access only to those people (see further down). Otherwise, clicking where it says restricted gives you the option to change to "Anyone with the link", after which you can select whether people with that link can view, comment on, or edit the document. It's important to note that if you give someone editor access, they can change the document without you approving or denying changes. Commenter access still allows for changes to be suggested, but you will ultimately have to approve them for the main document to change. More examples of that later! And as the title may suggest, the Viewer access will not allow the reader to make any suggestions on the work at all.

If you keep with restricted and enter an email address, it will give you a new window where you can choose the access level, decide if the added people should receive an email notifying them of access, and add in a message that will go with that email if it is selected.

What If I Do Not Use Google Docs?

Whilst GDocs is a commonly used standard, and relatively user friendly, not everyone may feel comfortable with the way it works particularly with email addresses. It's up to you what other systems you might like to use, but ideally your reader should be able to access at least a copy of the document that they are able to edit and/or annotate. Make sure that the format you use is compatible for your reader, and it is likely a good idea to save another copy of your original unedited work in case you want to compare the suggested changes to your original.

What you should let your Beta Reader know, or what a reader can ask the Writer before reading

First things are the obvious ones for writers - the word count of your piece, a brief synopsis including characters involved, and if there is a deadline for receiving the feedback. Prospective beta readers can give an idea of the maximum length of work they are willing to go over as well as an estimate of how long it will take to get through it with feedback. This helps you to both know what the expectations are and can alleviate the anxiety of "I haven't heard back from the beta read yet, is it because the work is that bad?" The most important thing though is to let your Beta Reader know what CWs and TWs are present in your work. It's not good for anyone to expose them to triggers and content they can't handle without warning! If you haven't worked out your list of CWs yet, then you need to be up front in this and find a reader who is either fine with reading without CWs, or who can tell you their "no read" list of topics so you can know if you included any of those that they wish to avoid. If you are a reader offering your services, it can help to keep your list of topics, characters, and tropes that you are not comfortable reading about. You don't have to push yourself to engage with triggering content just to help someone out, even if they're you're very best friend in the world. Your boundaries and comfort matter. After that's out of the way, you need to think about what you do and don't want out of the beta reading. Are you looking for detailed notes on the pacing and characterisations? Is there a segment you are unsure on that you'd like to change? Or do you just need a quick pass to make sure there's no obvious mistakes or continuity errors? If a beta reader knows what to look for - and sometimes more importantly what not to look for - it can help them as they go over your work. If you are a reader and the writer hasn't given you specific guidance, don't be afraid to ask them what they need to know. The kinds of things that people tend to want feedback on might be: - Overall plot. Is it enjoyable? Are there any weak points? - Continuity. Are there any mistakes or inconsistencies? - Spelling and grammar. Particularly for those writing in a secondary language, this could be something they would like particular attention on. Others may feel they don't want their grammar "corrected" if they have a specific style that they like writing with. - Character voices. Do the characters act and sound true to how they should in canon/headcanon? - Specific sections. That bit in the fifth paragraph, does it make sense? Was the opening strong enough to catch interest? - Length and pacing. Did the story and action progress in a satisfying way? Is the piece too long or short? - CWs and Tags. Do the listed tags and CWs cover everything? Are there any things that have been missed out, or any things that are listed but aren't present in the fic? - Readability. Is it clear what's happening even to someone for whom English is a secondary language? This is where having Beta readers with English as a secondary language can be really helpful, because some things might not quite feel the same to some of those readers in your audience too so adjusting them helps widen your appeal.

How To Present Feedback

A lot of feedback is easier to give in the document itself. With Google Docs comment mode, you can highlight individual lines to add a comment, or you can even make in-line editing suggestions.

If you're suggesting a small change like punctuation or grammar, it can be best to do these as in-line edits that can be accepted or rejected by the owner of the document quickly and easily.

Bigger changes like suggesting rewording a full line, or fixing continuity details, are better done as comments which can facilitate a back and forth discussion on how to handle the editing and solution to it. It's also easier to look at the change compared to the original this way, as in-line editing for longer sentences can take up a lot of space. As you can see in the top image, a lot of these longer suggestions will look less clear, but the bottom allows for more of a back and forth to develop the editing.

You might also want to leave some overall feedback, a summary of your interpretation of the work as well as the continuity, content, and anything else that the author was looking for.

It's good to make sure you have some positive as well as the changes needed to polish up the piece, and when suggesting changes try to keep them as open suggestions that the author can choose to work with or not, rather than presenting them as imperative. Keep in mind that sharing "unfinished" work can be really daunting, especially for a newer writer! We all benefit from some confidence boosts, and that helps us achieve the pinnacle of what we're able to accomplish in our works too. People don't tend to learn and improve if their passion is drained away by negative feedback. Remember your role as a Beta Reader is to encourage and support, to enable the writer to make the little changes to their piece that will help their story shine to its full potential!

What Should You Not Say In Beta Feedback

With the last part above in mind, the biggest thing is to not try to take over the writer's vision for their story and characters. Present your ideas as options the writer can choose to use or not, and remember it is their work at the end of the day.

A big thing here is never leave only negative feedback, that's an obvious one. But also please never leave a work without any feedback at all - if you feel like you're not able to give the work its due, for any reason whatsoever, please tell the writer so they know not to wait for your feedback. It can be so draining to have no response and wonder if it's because the work is so bad that the Beta Reader started but didn't want to continue. It is perfectly fine to tell a writer you can't continue, just do so with care! Either "unfortunately I no longer have the free time to beta this piece, but I wish you all the best with it", or "sadly there are things in this work that I'm not comfortable with reading, so I hope you are able to find someone who might be better suited to works containing [cw or trope]" and let them know it is not an issue of the piece's quality but instead is a personal thing unrelated to their skill as a writer. You are under no obligation to give free beta feedback on a work that makes you uncomfortable, or if other things take priority - it's a free favour we give to our fellow creatives, an offer to help, not a paid role or obligation.

Also do keep in mind what the writer has requested from the Beta Read - if they don't want lore accuracy info then it's not helpful to comment on the misuse of a spell or the wrong year referenced. Look at what the writer needs from you, and try to fill that for them!

What is useful feedback?

Useful feedback would be things we can build on, suggestions that keep to the spirit of the piece and the mood the writer is aiming for. If a sentence doesn't flow well, try to pinpoint why, and even better give a couple of options of how to rework it if you can. It doesn't help to say "this paragraph doesn't really work for me" but it is helpful to say "the pacing in this paragraph isn't quite flowing with the rest of the piece, it might help to...[either add a suggestion or two, or suggest reworking it on a basis of pacing]" When suggesting a change, it helps to mention why that change is being suggested. Particularly if someone uses English as a secondary language, they might not realise that the way they've ordered words doesn't quite work for English, or that a particular word doesn't work in the context that they're using it in. Beta feedback can be a powerful learning tool in improving future works, and it's easier to learn when there's a reasoning behind it~

What if the writer rejects the suggestion?

That's ok! Remember that it isn't a reflection on your ideas or your ability as a beta reader - at the end of the day, the story belongs to the writer and it is up to them what they would like to do with it. There may be things they agree with, but equally there could be times that the suggestions don't work for what they're aiming for. Try not to take anything personally, your job is there to help suggest, not to take over the editing in full.

What if I'm not happy with the feedback from my Beta Reader?

Beta readers are there to give you suggestions, not orders, and it is completely ok to discuss the options or just reject the changes. You're the author of your work, and it's up to you to know what you're happy with. It can help to listen to outside opinions, but at the end of the day that is all they are - opinions, and those can differ between people a lot! Because of this it can help to have a second (or more) Beta look over your work and give an alternative opinion. Sometimes that might mean they agree with previous feedback, catch something the other person missed, or they might agree with your idea rather than the other reader. Either way, having that second opinion can help you feel confident in your decisions by knowing you have more of a range of views.

Should I credit my Beta Readers?

That's up to you and your Betas what you're comfortable with! Sometimes people put up a general "thanks to my beta readers" in the notes, or other times if both parties agree then a writer can tag or name Beta Readers in the notes as thanks. That's up to the writer and reader, and we shouldn't be offering our services only in hopes of being credited visibly on works.

But it is generally good practice to at least verbally thank your beta readers for their hard work - after all, they've done this for free and helped you out! Swapping beta readings can be a great way to feel like an even trade of your time and energy, and could even form a strong working relationship together if you find you are compatible with content and feedback!

So, What Now?

If you have any questions, or indeed comments about things I've missed or things you feel I may be wrong about, please do let me know in comments! I'm more than happy to edit this blog piece to help as a guide for my own creative cabal of fic writers as well as something that can be more widely used by those who aren't sure about becoming a beta reader or finding them~

Happy writing, everyone! May your works reach their full potential and truly shine~

#beta reader #beta reader guide #fanfic #how to beta read

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tavyliasinessays · 10 months ago

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Not quite an essay but it is a more informative post still~ So I'm going with "close enough to count for the side blog"

Making the Most of Discord - Fandom Server Layout

As I've had more than a few positive reviews of my delightful House of Hopeful Sinners (aside from the fun fake reviews we put together for the post in my pinned advertising the space) I figured I might use the setup to help demonstrate the potential ways to use the features when making your own server.

This is by no means saying "this is the only right and correct way to set up a server" it's more of a "this is how I manage it and it has worked really well for our purposes, feel free to use what we learned from it in your own spaces!"

I'll put different headings below the cut as we go so you can skip to what you need, and a little shameless self promotion right here for our creative focused 18+ NSFW Baldur's Gate 3 Fandom space~ CWs - Screenshots show mention of NSFW topics and titles. There are no details but some of the topics are words that would be on CW lists.

Rules, Ownership, and Mods

Starting out your own server is exciting, and we don't like to sit here and think "we're going to have problems", but it really is best to try and anticipate issues and put rules in place to prevent them. This is really going to vary based on the kind of place you are running, but as long as everything is clear your users can feel confident in the space. Nothing can damage a community more than a disagreement that is blown way out of proportion or an incident that gets out of hand. None of us are immune to mistakes, either, so being prepared is the best first step!

Make Your Rules Clear

Ambiguity in the rules is a very easy stumbling block. Keep your rules nice and clear, as specific as they need to be, and make sure that your moderation team are happy with the rules and how you would like them to be enforced when needed. I strongly recommend using a reaction role bot with your rules post so members agree they have read and understood the rules before entering the main server (more on roles and bots later!)

Choose Your Mods Wisely

Temptation might be to choose mods from friends, and that can be a good way to go! However, even with the best intentions, not everyone is going to mod in the way you would like them to. It can often be better to be a little more selective, and either offer the position to people who have mod experience already or use an application form with some questions that will help see if the mods will uphold your server values the way you prefer.

It can also be helpful to cover different time zones if your server is international, and having enough people will mean that nobody feels pressured or guilty if they need a break for any reason. Remember too that mods are volunteers, if you're the owner then final decisions and responsibility will come down to you in the end.

Age Restriction and User Safety

If you want to host NSFW content you need to be aware of user safety. Your most basic tool here is to set channels as age restricted. This is technically enough to cover you legally as the user has to manually confirm via a popup that they are old enough to view the content.

Personally? I prefer spaces that are explicitly 18+. I ensure this in HOHS by having people specify to a mod what year they were born. People are less likely to lie to someone directly than they are to click away a popup. This said, I do not recommend taking IDs or personal details due to Data Protection laws in various countries (as well as your members' rights to privacy, should they wish it). Verbal confirmation of the year of birth is fine. If you find someone is underage later, you can kick/ban them.

If your space is open to all ages with only some 18+ channels, you may want to verify birth year with users before they get a role to access those channels.

The reason for this is twofold. First, obviously, is safeguarding minors in online spaces. Although we are all well aware that minors access unsuitable content on their own, it shouldn't be encouraged or openly allowed, particularly with socialising with adults. The second reason is that any adult discussing NSFW topics with a known minor - even from an informal educational point of view without any unpleasant behaviour or intention - is very much at risk of ending up on a watch list. I'm very serious on that one. I have friends who have seen entire Discord servers and all their members in real legal trouble and on offender registers because the server knowingly allowed minors to participate in NSFW content channels.

So. Keep all of your members safe, check when you need to, and set up your channels and rules in the way that suits your space.

Categories and Basic Layout

Layout and Category Names

Your top category should be your welcome area if you have one, with your rules and whatever channel you want people to arrive in first at the very top. It can be tempting to put your admin section at the top, but this can make it more awkward to make your server invitations. Each category should also be nice and clear as to what is found there, so members can find the channels they want even when all the categories are collapsed.

This is how I arrange my welcome area, which is several channels which all technically contain rules (Contract Signing is the main rule list which users are directed to manually when we verify their age and give them access - more on that later!) but I personally prefer to make it easier for people to find things separately rather then being overwhelmed in one long channel. Use the layout that works for you!

A lot of servers also prefer to have separate categories for NSFW content, which is a very good way to run things if you want to have specifically separated content for peoples' comfort. You won't see that in the HOHS channels though as we are set up to be NSFW by default, and there is essentially only one pure SFW chat channel.

Naming Channels and Server Maps

I also personally prefer easy channel names. Whilst fun nods to fandom things might be an aesthetic/flavour choice, it may not be as helpful for your members to know where a piece of content or conversation belongs~ Having a map with a brief description of each channel's purpose will also help members to navigate, especially in a larger space.

Whilst it can be nice to use symbols or emojis in your channel names to denote the content (particularly using the 18 symbol for NSFW areas) this might make it a lot harder to link the channels in your server map or for users to link the channel to say "let's move our chat to this channel" when the topic changes, or "there's more on that topic over here". Emojis can work at the end of channel names with less interference, and honestly is something I am considering for aesthetics, though it's a lower priority.

Text Channels, Forum Channels, Voice Channels, and Threads

This is a big one for organisation so I'm going to go over them in sub headings one by one!

Text Channels

These are your bread and butter basic chat channels. They're wonderful for discussions and general chat, but in my opinion their weakness is in content sharing. Things like fan creations can get lost quickly when people respond to them, so you risk either discouraging the chat about a piece of work or losing work in the sea of conversation.

You can, of course, use slow mode in text channels so that users can only post once in each period of time. For extra busy servers, or open public servers, this can be a useful tool in spam prevention too!

Messages can be pinned in text channels which is handy for instructions, references, or other important information, but you are limited to a maximum of 20 pins and they might not be obvious to all users.

There are other ways to refine your text channels. For example, you can select whether people can post images, voice notes, files, and links into a channel. This is very useful if you need to prevent spam in a more important channel, or if you do not want to moderate the use of voice notes (more on those later).

For things like WIPs, some people like to have a slow mode so one new post every 6 hours and contain the discussion on that post to Threads. This can be helpful for some setups and work well, but it may still make older works harder to find so it's better just for more regular progress rather than a library of works.

Threads

Threads are essentially a side conversation within a text channel. They're fantastic for certain purposes like discussing an item that was shared, or containing a long conversation on one topic, and particularly things like discussions on lore and research that people might want to come back to at a later date without having to search through a text channel.

Text channels have a setting for how long threads will remain visible in a channel list.

After this time, threads are still available within the channel from the threads tab, but won't show up in the channel list until there is new activity inside the thread. Below is what threads might look like when active in the channel list - we use them in HOHS for Kink Specific Chat which means that only the people who have joined the threads will see them when they're active, and allows for people to choose which of those in depth conversations they want to be a part of. Informed Consent, really, and I keep a list of links to the threads in the CW list channel so people have an easy reference to find the content they do want to engage with more.

But these could be used for anything you like, from character specific chats to off-topic discussions, and you have the choice in your role setup to allow any members to create/use threads or have them only created by your mod/admin team so you have more control if you don't want a lot of threads popping up that are harder to moderate. This is how our kink specific topics appear in the channel list, but they are only visible here to those who have joined them. Like text channels, users can mute threads at any time and they won't get the white dot of new activity, or users can also leave threads if they want to leave that conversation entirely. Threads can be locked by moderators or put into slow mode too, so you do have options for control where needed.

(I also just want to note that the Feminization topic thread is not in the slightest bit transphobic or problematic, though it is here because not everyone is comfortable with that content and we respect that in this house~ HOHS is a very LGBTQIA+ positive and inclusive space)

Forum Channels

These are my absolute bread and butter for sharing fanfiction, art, and resources. Forums are newer to Discord, so it might take a bit of learning and convincing for more experienced users to get used to them, but trust me on this one; when you have Forums set up they are a much better way to display and discuss creative works.

The reasoning really is that works are searchable, taggable, and people can confidently discuss a work without worrying about clogging a chat channel.

Forum posts can look a lot like threads in the channel list, and have a similar timeout method for how long they stay in the channel list with no new comments/activity in them.

This is an example if how I've arranged the HOHS FanFic "Library" - I have covered the names of most of the fic post titles for other users' privacy and left my own visible as the examples for you. Similarly to Threads, only the posts that a user has interacted with will show up in their channel list, so you don't need to worry about everyone's channel lists being swamped with forum posts that aren't relevant to them.

So here, each of the speech bubble headers is the Forum Channel title. When you're actually in a forum channel you (or any member) can refine how the posts are viewed. Here's some of the art share channels. I have covered the images to protect the works, as I do keep strict rules that art must have a link to the original artwork on a public share by the artist unless the artist is the one posting (ie, no sharing paid patreon only works or things the artist has not made public) so that proper appreciation can be shown to the original.

So this is in "Gallery View" where each post appears as a square with an image preview if there are images. You'll also see tags on the posts - these are a great way to find works and sort through them! You can have up to 20 tags available, and members can apply up to 5 tags to a single post. The tags can then be selected in the gallery menu to show works with that tag on them. This is what I have under "Main Character Art"

You can choose the emojis, and you are able to use your server emojis for these tags too if you like! Unfortunately though this is going to be a tedious part of setting up forum channels, you can't copy them over.

As an example of tag filtering and List View of a Forum, here's the Villain Fic Forum. So again we have those friendly grey boxes to protect the privacy of other members, but I've left my content uncovered for you~

Here you can see I've selected the Haarlep filter, so it is showing works with the Haarlep tag starting with the most recent. List view shows a shorter preview of each piece, and I hovered over the +1 part of the tags on the third post to show you how the extra tags can be seen. The most recent comment is displayed in the preview as well.

So essentially this way people can share their art and fics without worrying they'll get lost. People can also discuss each work in its own post without a long list of threads, and browse older additions based on the tagging system or searching by title in the top bar.

I think that mostly covers forums other than the setup of them which is relatively straightforward - similar to text channels you can use slow mode for both new forum posts and/or comments on forum posts, and the tags can be whatever you want them to be. Just remember you have a maximum of 20 tags for each forum channel and a maximum of 5 per post.

The only other thing is when you are adding tags there might be errors if you have made any other changes to the channel - save those changes with this button before trying to add tags!

Voice Channels

The last area to look at is Voice Channels. These are going to be harder to moderate, so you may want to consider what your community is like and what you want and need from voice channels.

Voice channels come with their own chat channel attached which can be useful for those who don't use a mic, those just dropping by who haven't joined the voice (so you can see here I'm not actively in the VC but I can open the chat window), for sharing images/links that you're discussing in voice, and similar.

Some people prefer to have a separate text channel to chat in alongside voice, which can be better for when you're streaming or running activities, because the attached text chat takes up a part of even the popout window for the voice/streaming/activity.

There are more options like stage channels where you can have a limited number of presenters and the audience are muted. This is great if you want to host talks or specific events and watch parties!

Lots of options so you can age restrict the channels as needed, as well as setting user limits. When a voice channel is active you can also set a status to it. You can choose if members are allowed to do this or only certain roles, but it's a good way to let members know what's going on without joining.

You might need to be cautious with the quality and settings on these if people have difficulty participating with connection quality.

Again, moderation is going to be a concern in a larger or open server, so make sure you have rules established and that members know who to contact in case of issues. But when used well, voice channels can be a lot of fun and even comforting or inspiring for members to get together and play games or work on creative pieces alongside one another. You can even host watch parties with some services.

Roles and Permissions

Roles are going to be the backbone of your member organisation. Beyond the usual Mods and Member roles, you can use them for a number of different organisational and interactive features within your server.

The Order Of Roles

The function of roles will go in the order you have them in your server. This determines where they show up on the member list (it is optional to have roles separate like this), the image that will show up with a member's name who has the role (this is for level 2 and 3 boosted servers), and the colour of a user's name who has the role.

So here even if a Haarlep's Helper Mod had the Swinger of Swords role, their name would be that red tone. Similarly if a user chose both Healer of Souls and Friend of Nature, their name would be Yellow because Healer is the higher ordered colour.

Role Colours

The main thing to remember with Role Colours is to ensure that they are easy to read for people using the default light or dark mode of Discord. Those who pay for Nitro may have more options for background colours, but most members will use the defaults. You will see examples when setting the roles that can help you determine if the colour you have picked will work. The default list are balanced relatively well to have contrast to show up in a readable manner for you, so it's more the custom colours that you might have trouble with.

So that standard dark red is pretty clear on both, but this custom blue is somewhat painful on the dark mode version:

Similarly this pale yellow is perfect on the dark mode, but against the light mode background it's almost invisible.

Commonly Used Roles

Some of the most commonly used roles are for pronouns, so users have an easy way to know how to refer to their friends in chat. Some servers like to assign a colour to these for a quick visible reference. I've used images with them in HOHS

So this is also in the order so that the highest role is the one that appears next to the name (you can only have one image icon unfortunately), and hovering over the image will also show the role name.

This is just one way you can make use of the roles for your members~ I'll go over making it easy for members to choose them a bit lower down but I would like to mention one of my favourite uses of roles:

Optional Pingable Roles

These are some of the more basic alert roles I use - members can opt in, and some of them are able to be pinged (notification tag) by any members. So people can use "@ Beta Reader" to ask for those with the role if they're available to help read and edit a WIP, and the admin/mod roles can alert members to server changes with the Server News Alert role.

One way I really like to make use of these for member engagement is character based pings which are perfect for fandom servers like ours~

These are just a few, I've got them set up for a lot of characters, and allowed anyone to mention the roles. I encourage members to use them for both fics and art, so people with the role know there is new content for their favourite and where to find it. With the bot setup, people can remove their role at any time if they find the notifications overwhelming.

So this is an example where I used them for a fic, tagging the character roles. We do the same when sharing found works and art, which means those looking for the content don't miss their favourites.

Role Permissions

Your roles can all be customised to have global permissions, and each channel can have its own permission overrides where needed too. So for example you might want a role to be able to post images and files in most of the server, but you might not want that role to post them in a specific channel that you want to keep as text only.

It takes a while but properly setting up each channel will give you better control over the content to reduce the moderation work in the long run (ie, you won't need to ask people not to put things in the wrong places).

A Note On Voice Notes

Voice notes are going to be a very personal preference thing. I generally prefer not to use them, because users may not be able to listen to them at the time which makes moderation more difficult too. I have also seen issues arise from the use of voice notes, especially when people post them with no context note of what to expect.

So, personally, I disable voice notes in my server. I have seen them well used in other places, and they can arguably be an accessibility feature, however if you leave voice to text and text to voice enabled then those who need to hear or use voice instead of typing should still be able to interact as they need to.

I would generally advise asking members to leave at least a few words with their voice note, for example "replying to [username]" or "impression of [character]" or "discussion of [topic]" so that people know what to expect when they hit play. It's entirely up to each of us how we run our own spaces, however, so choose the best option for you and your server~

Helpful Bots and Setup

Bots can help you get the most out of your server without too much hard work once they're all set. These are the ones I personally use and recommend for different features, but there are a number of options out there to choose from!

Reaction Roles

If you have roles, this is the easiest way to allow people to choose and assign them for themselves and change them when they wish!

So this is using Carlbot https://carl.gg , which I have renamed "The Archivist" for a theme in our server. There are a lot of functions to Carlbot, but the most commonly used are these reaction roles.

It's relatively easy to set up, but you will need to manually type or copy the emoji code for the reacts you're using for the roles. There are a few other settings you can play with there too, like only allowing those with certain roles to pick up a new role.

It's also a great one to have people confirm they have read your rules to access the main server if you role lock your main channels to the member role.

Starboard

One fun feature that Carl (and some other bots) have is Starboard. This is a way for members to highlight their favourite messages on the server and look back at those moments! You can choose how many star reactions are needed for a post to go there, then they will automatically be sent to your starboard channel. You can also choose whether or not to include NSFW marked channels, so if you want Starboard to be SFW only that is an option. One that I didn't take for HOHS given that we are NSFW by default~

Ticket Bots

This is one of your easiest moderation tools - you can use a bot like https://ticketsbot.net/ which will allow users to raise an issue privately with ease. The command is often /open to bring up a new ticket which mods can then join - it'll show up as a thread for you. It doesn't take too much setup on the dashboard and there are other options, but this can be a lot easier than asking people to DM a mod directly.

Automated Messages

Carl and other bots can send automated messages on a schedule for you. This can also include notifying certain roles, so if you want to have a weekly progress check-in set up for creative communities, or even self care reminders a couple of times per day, that's all very easy to get running and can help you to keep the community ticking over with engagement on a semi-regular basis.

Post Embed Fixing

Meet one of my favourite content bots - Keto (Click here to add it to your server). This one takes site links to Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, and others and puts a proper visible or playable version in the server.

This is so useful particularly for TikTok where the standard Discord setup will show you a still image with a play button on it.

You can see here that the bot automatically takes the link and converts it to a playable video (which is a still image here, but you can see the buffering bar on there). As with other bots, I gave it a nickname in the server for flavour and fun~

Good Gods That's A Lot Of Work

I know, right? Setting up a server isn't something you can do overnight, not if you want to have a larger space. Often servers will reorganise as they go, making more space as they find what their needs are, but if you can set up how you want it from the start, that can make things a lot easier so people don't have to adapt and adjust as much to a change.

Any Questions?

I think I covered pretty much everything other than the very basics of server setup, but I am more than happy to help any of you with questions about the setup, use of forums, channel layout, and anything else you need with your Discord organising~

And as always, those who share our values are welcome in my House of Hopeful Sinners~

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tavyliasinessays · 10 months ago

Text

Navigating Fandom Online

Good timezone, darlings, we are out here again with another little fandom essay around what to expect online and how to curate your experiences in each of those spaces. Whilst I realise it may seem like this is could relate to a number of recent events, it is more that there even are recent events that spur me to thinking on this one, not aiming at any conversation, person, or situation at all.

Curating Your Online Fandom Experience - A Guide/Essay by TavyliaSin (And how to keep each other safe in fandom spaces) ((As well as what to do if we don't feel safe)) (((Also a little around what to expect in each space)))

So the following will be broken down by chapter headings and may discuss, in very vague terms, some heavier topics. So consider this a CW for fandom drama, discussion of what is in CWs and why, and generally an overview of things that many might find difficult to discuss~

What are Online Fandom Spaces and How Are They Different?

Tumblr is just one open online fandom website that many of us use to share and find content and connections with fellow fans. It's far from the only site/app though, and each has a different userbase, different rules, and often a different "vibe" to the space.

We all have limited time and energy, so really we need to choose which spaces are right for us to spend both of those on.

Because each space is unique with the userbase, rules, and tools we can use within them, I'm going to split the conversation by site rather than by topic from here. That might mean some things are repeated, but also makes it easier to see which relates to what site.

In general, our aims in these spaces should be to learn how to find the content we want to see more of, how to keep ourselves safe from potentially triggering content that we don't want to see, how to connect with people who will enhance our lives and experience, and how to handle content we don't want to see without exacerbating the issues or causing more problems along the way.

Tumblr

Let's start right here where we are! Now I'm going to be entirely honest, I still have little idea what I'm doing here, I'm making it up as I go along, but Tumblr is an important fandom space. Fans from certain countries may find Tumblr is one of the few options not blocked when places like Twitter and AO3 are not accessible from where they live. We have a wide userbase and a whole lot of content, so let's get started.

Curating Your Own Works and CWs on Tumblr Tumblr has the fun little "Keep Reading" marker which means you can put your CWs in the top part of the post and indicate that the content will be below the "keep reading" line. You can also use this with others' posts to know if the topic is one you want to read or not. If it isn't? You can scroll on by without seeing the potentially distressing content! For image and video posts there are also the options to mark the content as NSFW in nature too, which will keep it from your feeds.

You have the choice for all NSFW content to be shown, or for it to be blurred with a warning. This will also help you to curate what you see - if you're fine with NSFW content being out in the open you can leave it revealed, or you can keep the blurring and warning tags enabled to choose what you wish to see, or if you don't want to see any of it you can simply have them all hidden from your feeds.

Safety And Connecting With Other Fans The Ask Box can be a fun way to connect, especially with other creatives! Anonymously suggesting a creative idea can be more comfortable for people who aren't as confident having their identity linked to certain content, and opens up for writers and artists (and other creatives) to receive interesting prompts and inspiration for their works. Unfortunately, however, it can also be used in less kind ways. If you find your ask box is being sent anything unpleasant then unfortunately the options boil down to either ignoring/deleting anything unpleasant or turning it off completely in your options. Nobody should have to do the latter, but unfortunately there are times it may be necessary. Connecting to people whose content you like does seem to be a different world here compared to other sites. You can follow blogs you enjoy, and get alerts for their new content, but there's less of a culture of commenting here. I've personally found that directly commenting is a nicer and easier way to get to know the creators you want to talk to, and may lead to DMs or connecting on other socials off-site where you talk more. I adore that, so I certainly shan't be stopping any time soon, though if anyone does feel uncomfortable with comments on their works please do tell me. More often however we use reblogs and the tags on those are how we keep the conversation going, and we may find ourselves sharing similar circles that way.

Avoiding People And Content You Don't Like Tumblr allows a variety of content which is great for creatives to share what they're making, although this does mean there will be users who you don't get along with and content you don't want to see.

Tag Filters can also keep content off your feed. So, for example, if you don't want to see anything with a specific character or pairing you can put those tags into the filter and it'll keep them out. Similarly with content tags, and as long as people are properly tagging works like they should you can choose exactly what you do and don't want to see with the systems already in place! You can block individual blogs and users, hide them so they don't appear on your feed, but unfortunately there is always the chance that people can easily make new accounts and find their way back to your works. You can also report posts that break the terms of service of the website, but please only use this function for this purpose. Reporting things you personally dislike isn't helpful either to the user or to the system. If someone's works aren't to your taste, blocking them is the easiest way to keep it out of your eyeline. That's your way to say "I do not consent to seeing this" whilst leaving the content there for others who do wish to see it. Other Considerations for Tumblr Honestly I would love other peoples' input on this one. I'm not an expert on this one.

Archive Of Our Own (AO3)

AO3 is one of the widest and most open fandom spaces. It's like a library, and everything is well organised into the proper sections. That also means that there will be works on there that contain content you may be less comfortable with reading, so it's important both to tag your own works and to look at the tags on others' works to know what you want to read or not. For more on content warnings and how to use them, click here for that essay because it is a long topic of its own.

What Should/Shouldn't Be On The Site? Those who know me well here know that although I have a fair little list of characters and topics I will not read or write, I also fully support everyone else's rights to do so if they wish. That's the standard on AO3 too. There are few topics that are fully banned, and the system allows for tagging and filtering of works based on those tags. Aside from the general age ratings that set a tone for the work there are the archive warning tags.

These Archive labels are an explicit indicator of the kind of content in a piece that allow readers to make a decision of informed consent on whether they wish to read. Anything tagged with a specific warning, or with the "chose not to warn" tells a reader that there is content that may be triggering or unwanted. It gives them the choice to read or to find another piece. Nobody is being forced to read heavy topics just by virtue of them existing, and as I mention in the above-linked essay post around CWs, fiction can be a very valid and powerful way for people to process their own traumas in a safe and controlled environment. There are very few things that are fully forbidden from the site, just like how in a library you will find there are books with different content types. The point is not to ban the ones you do not want to read, but to select the ones from the shelves that you do want to read, and to learn how to use the tags like the labels on library books (or the information on the cover) to tell you what you might want to read. It's not like a book shop where the owner is choosing only what they want to sell, or your own personal book shelf where you only keep the books you like. It's a communal space for everyone to share and read their works. You can customise how things appear in your feed too, the Preferences can give you those options to filter what you want to see or not see as you browse the site.

AO3 Community Engagement Commenting and leaving kudos on AO3 is a wonderful way to support writers you like. If you don't like a work at all, I also recommend just leaving without bringing the writer down - unwanted critique doesn't tend to help anyone improve, but it can make them (or even other readers) want to stop writing which would be a terrible shame. If someone asks for critique specifically then of course that is fine, but you should also try to find the things you like within the work as well to show the writer what to do more of and what strengths they can rely on. The best thing for a writer to read from their works on AO3 are comments that specifically pick out favourite lines and say what they like about them. It's a little harder to directly chat, but if there are contact details in peoples' bios you can form more social connections this way, or simply subscribe to your favourite authors to see more of their works and get notified with new releases.

Safety and Security You can block or mute specific users if you find their works are not to your tastes or if they have been unkind in their interactions with your works, or for any reason you wish. These options are on every user's profile on the top right beneath their name.

You can easily stop seeing the works from anyone at any time without having to do anything further. If they have broken the site rules, of course, that is something to raise with the website's moderation teams and allow them to handle it accordingly, but to be very clear here: It is not ok to send people negative comments because you disagree with them or the topics they write about. We should all be free to create what we want to create as long as it is within the law (and particularly this applies to not sharing NSFW content to those who are not old enough to engage with it) as long as all of our works are appropriately tagged.

You can also control who can see and engage with your works - I personally prefer comment moderation, even though there has never been a single comment I have rejected. You can also turn off guest comments, or only let registered user view your works in the first place. This gives you the option to block people as and when you need to, whilst still allowing engagement. This can be changed on every single work you have and edited at any time. Whilst it might discourage or reduce some engagement, it can give you confidence that negative comments can't pile up whilst you're not looking at your account and remain visible. It's also security for those of us who prefer not to link our government names to our adult content creation, so we know nobody is revealing anything we don't want known to our wider audience.

Twitter/X

I'm going to call it Twitter because that's how most of us still know it and refer to it, as well as other language like Tweet, RT, QRT as needed. (X is a terrible name for a platform and we all know it).

Fandom On Twitter In general this is one of the widest nets of fandom from what I can see. It's also the least moderated space on the internet, and with limited space in tweets it is a lot more common for things to be taken out of context. The spoiler tagging only works on images, so that's also more difficult to curate the content you share yourself. Twitter in general tends to have more of an aggressive culture to it, anonymity and ease of making new accounts leaving it very open to people getting away with saying whatever they like regardless of who it impacts.

Curating Your Twitter Feed This one is largely going to come down to who you follow. Check the bio of users you're thinking about following, and maybe scan a few of their posts, replies, and likes to get an idea of the kind of content they engage with and are likely to share. You can also mute and/or block individual users. This can help to narrow down what you see on your feed, however do be aware you're more likely to see negative content and "fandom drama" go down on Twitter. It's very instant and has a vibe of calling things out immediately, potentially due to the short form of content people aren't spending long thinking about what they want to say or how they want to say it.

Keeping Yourself Safe This one is going to be utilising the mute and block features as needed, but you can also choose to only allow people you follow to respond to your tweets. This is a good way to keep your Twitter experience just to friends and others you share values with, reducing the chance of arguments and issues. However, it is also good to know when to step back, disengage, and stop interacting with content or people who are distressing you.

Keeping Others Safe Having a "minors DNI" rule is a good plan for most (meaning you are openly stating that those under 18 years old "do not interact" with your posts and content as it is more likely to be unsuitable even if you can't easily mark it as adult only content). It is also good to remember that those arguing on Twitter are less likely to listen and change their minds on an issue, so if someone is being unfairly upset by the words and actions of others it is often better to support that person rather than to engage with anyone speaking against them.

Discord

This can be one of your most easy to curate and customise for your social groups, though that means it's harder to connect to newer people and find larger spaces and reach for content. But it's still worth looking at how you choose and interact with spaces.

Joining a New Server Get to know the rules and the people who run the space. Discord servers can all be very different in how they are laid out and the rules they have for their communities. Some might have bans on certain kinds of content like characters or pairings, others may be open to all kinds of content but have it separated into different sections and areas so people know when/where they are engaging with different things. If you feel that the rules or leadership don't match your values, you can leave at any time and don't need to let anyone know unless you wish to keep contacts outside of the server. Many servers are invite only, or will advertise in a limited way through other sites like Twitter and Tumblr (I certainly advertise my own on both, for those who might want to join), but some might also be listed on a site called Disboard which can be a good way to find active fan community servers. I'm actually in some servers that ban certain content, and other servers that explicitly allow that same content. I appreciate both types of space, and knowing what to expect when I visit each of them. Having places that ban certain topics outright is great as a comfortable place for people who don't like it, but equally having places that allow it is also great so the people who do enjoy it can safely indulge without judgement. There are many reasons why people do/don't like content, and I don't believe anyone has to justify that unless they explicitly want to.

Spoiler Tagging and CWs on Discord Spoiler tags are very easy to use on Discord, it's one of the best systems as you can spoiler images as well as part or all of the text that you wish to hide. You can then ensure your comment tells people what to expect underneath the spoiler cover. This shows roughly how it works for text.

I would always advise to tell people what is under the spoiler tag, so people know what they're revealing. That way everyone can interact confidently knowing they're not going to uncover content they're uncomfortable with.

Blocking, Banning, and Moderation Discord's blocking is pretty simple - block a user and they can still see your posts but they will not be able to leave reactions on them, and you won't see anything they post. If you're a Moderator or Admin of a server and you ban a user, they will not be able to return on another account unless they're using a VPN as it uses an IP ban. For safeguarding, it can also be helpful to share information with other fandom space moderators if there is a genuinely harmful person in the community. Several Discord servers do this already as far as I know, sharing the full user ID number of people who are not safe to be in the community so they can be prevented from entering.

How To Choose Your Social Spaces

Looking at the options there, each space is set up very differently. The open spaces like Twitter and Tumblr and AO3 are going to take some more care to know when is best to not engage with content you don't like or disagree with, and to know that any post or opinion can risk going viral at any time. Discord is going to have the more closed and specialised communities that will likely have a closer match to personal values and social circles.

Whichever place you're in, it's a good idea to be aware of what kinds of content you're likely to encounter and what to expect with interactions.

If a site or fandom space makes you feel unsafe, uncomfortable, or otherwise unhappy, it is absolutely valid to avoid it. Even if others use it.

In the case of places like Twitter and Tumblr, you might not gain as much reach if you only shout into the void and don't interact with others, but if that's all you feel safe doing because scrolling through content is distressing that is all you need to do. Beyond the terms of service there aren't really rules governing how you use any particular platform. Different spaces have different levels of moderation, so it really is up to us at the end of the day which ones we use to ensure we are looking out for our own safety.

What Should We Do If Something or Someone Isn't Safe?

This is the last big one to look at again. If someone is breaking the rules of a platform, report it to the appropriate places. If someone is suffering because of the content they have seen or the things that have been said to them, put your energy into looking after them rather than going after whoever you feel has wronged them. Revenge doesn't heal anyone, it just spreads more pain elsewhere and makes people more likely to retaliate or worsens the whole situation.

When we fight fire with fire we risk turning everything to ashes. Instead, calming a situation and letting the drama die down is what allows the people who have been hurt to heal rather than raking over the hot coals again and again.

The final point is when it has crossed legal lines, if there is an issue with safeguarding minors or any other law-breaking activity, that's when we need to go further than site/platform moderation and look to the legal options to protect our fandom spaces and the people involved.

You always have a choice what content to look at, what spaces to use, and what kinds of energy you are bringing in to those spaces. Kindness can often spur on more kindness, whereas confrontation mostly just leads to more confrontation. Of course there are times and places where confrontation is necessary, but we should also pick our battles wisely and prioritise caring for those who have been harmed first.

Until next time darlings~ sorry if this one was a long ramble, I've been on and off it all day to try and ensure my thoughts are at least a little organised. Here's hoping all of our experiences with the community can be positive and match the values we want to see within ourselves and each other~

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tavyliasinessays · 11 months ago

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Tagging, Censorship and Consent in Fandom

Hello darlings~ I'm back at it again with the essayposting - blame the creative block for that, but as always I'm neck deep in Fandom which is exactly where I wish to be anyway~ Now, today's essay is going to mention potentially triggering topics by name, however will not be going into great detail on any of them. If you feel you are in a place within yourself where you might not be comfortable encountering some terms and topics, please feel free to turn back now and I hope to see you next time instead. For the rest of us...

How To Tag Your Content and Engage With Creative Fandom Safely - A Serious Essay Again with TavyliaSin (And how to respect your readers/viewers) ((Consent is important and this is how we do it)) (((And it's always good to keep learning every day to keep each other safe)))

So again, there will be heavier topic mentions from here, and I welcome all points of view to the table. We're going to cover boundaries, safety, and this will be all ADULT CONTENT so 18+ ONLY please and thank you darlings~ Subheaders follow of course~

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What Are Tags And Why Should We Care?

This is the easy one here. Tags are the markers on the map, the signposts on the gate, the labels that tell us what is in the tin. Perhaps it is best to think of them like food labels - sometimes people have allergies or intolerances to ingredients. Often, a dish is clearly not going to be suitable - one doesn't order the Nut Roast with a nut allergy, after all - but other times there are unexpected ingredients that might cause an unintended reaction. The exact same applies to content, whether it is angst, dead dove, kink, or really any number of topics that can be difficult for some to handle. We all have our own "food allergies" - there may be some we can never "eat", and others that we can stomach if we prepare first. In both cases we need those labels to know before we dive in. And just to be clear here, I'm not talking about just mild discomfort. Encountering certain topics can put people into severe PTSD episodes that can take days or even weeks to fully recover from. A huge number of us unfortunately live through life events that could be described as traumatic, and whilst we should not place the responsibility of handling our problems on the shoulders of others, we should also be respectful of how content we create and share can affect those with life experiences different to our own.

Boundaries And Safety

We need to extend this to our online interactions with other creators and fandom friends too - express your own boundaries when you need to, seek help if they are crossed with poor intention, and take care to listen to the boundaries of those around you. And whilst I shan't be touching on the topic heavily, this also extends to those in the more public eye. Send and tag only content that is explicitly welcomed, respect boundaries, and help to keep all of our communities happier for it. Additionally, the obvious one too - under 18s should not be interacting with NSFW content, nor should NSFW creators be knowingly interacting with under 18s. This is for the safety not only of the underage people, but the adult creators too. Whilst we can rationalise that most of us encountered inappropriate content for our age, if we are found to be knowingly allowing or sharing it towards those who are underage then we are at a very real risk of landing on offender registers. Use a reasonable amount of care, and seriously any minors still here, first you should not be, and secondly if you have any respect for the NSFW creators please never interact with us until you are over 18.

Alright, So What Should Be Tagged and How?

There are a lot of content types and tags out there. Largely you can put them into 3 Categories: 1. Violence 2. Sexual/Kink 3. Misc Yes I know misc is a bit of a catch-all, but the first two are the most common at least.

The lists I use in the House of Hopeful Sinners Discord Server are as follows - though it should be noted I am adding to and refining these as we go along, either with things that are requested or those that I realise I have missed. There are likely far more comprehensive lists, and AO3 has a lot of suggested tags to use too. My rule on Discord is that all of these topics are permitted but must be spoiler covered and tagged appropriately (I'll cover a section on Discord specifically later). For some of these topics, we have threads that allow people to discuss them in a creative context in a space separated from the main conversation channels, so people can engage and indulge in the content without those who are uncomfortable being exposed to it.

Violent Content

NonCon

Trauma

Death

Severe Injury

Injury Detail

Blood

Torture

Manipulation

Choking

Dead Dove

Needles

Knives

Guns

Ascended Astarion (positive context/romantic)

Sexual Content

DubCon

CNC (Consensual NonCon)

Spanking

Somnophilia (One person is asleep at the start or throughout)

Breeding

BDSM

Wax Play

Pain Play

Breath Control

Bondage

Pet Play

Urine Fetish

Scat

Omegaverse

Knotting

Wild Shape

Ascended Astarion (sexual)

Age Difference

Size Difference

Predator/Prey

Others

Pregnancy/Fertility

Traumatic Pasts

Medical Procedures

Sickness/Emetophobia

Animal Death

Grief/Loss

PTSD/Trauma

That's A Lot Of Tags - Won't It Put People Off?

Well, loves, this is the key. By having the tags there, people can choose to engage or not. For every item on that list, there will be some people who want to avoid that content - and that's fine, you shouldn't want to expose them to it against their will! But there will also be those people who love that content! For example, Breeding is something I'd always want to avoid. I don't want to encounter it in fic or art. But there are lots of people who love that kink, which is great! When it's tagged, I can skip the content, and those who enjoy it can flock to it - everyone wins here!

Should Some Kinks Always Be Censored Or Banned

Time for the tricky nuance part, darlings, but it does need to be said. I do not believe that there are many topics that should be censored or banned entirely in art and fiction for one very simple reason, which I will cover in a lot more detail in a future essay:

Everyone deals with their own traumatic experiences in different ways. Whilst some people may need to avoid anything close to certain topics, others are able to process their pain and heal from it by creating or engaging with fictional versions of that topic.

Writing and art are both things where the viewer/reader has control over the situation. Not in that they can change it, but they can step away at any time. They can stop reading/looking and never go back to it. The situation is, in that way, safe if they are prepared before going in to it. Although a trauma trigger might cause some similar feelings in some people to the traumatic memory/experience, this is not universal. It is not for any one person to dictate the ways in which any other heals or copes with their own scars. It may be similar for a writer or artist, being able to explore and process their feelings. So no, I do not condone censoring anything but the most extreme/obvious illegal topics, which I'd prefer not to mention for my own peace of mind.

As long as works are tagged, and spoiler covers used to hide the content from people until/unless they choose to engage with it, everyone should be allowed to create and consume the media they choose. (The obvious caveat of course being "so long as none are harmed in the making of it", but I should think all of you would know that by this point in the essay)

What Do I Do If Something Isn't Tagged?

Chances are that writers miss tags sometimes, and not intentionally either. Try to let them know in a comment, or if you are uncomfortable engaging then ask someone to speak on your behalf (I will happily provide this service just DM me the link). In cases of Discord or other moderated spaces, speak with those moderators about anything that's troubling you.

If you've been alerted to a missed tag in your own work, add it in right away. It might help to ask Beta Readers to list any tags independently of the ones you have in mind before posting, so you can cross check things over.

How Can I Hide Tagged Content?

AO3 - You can't hide tagged content on AO3, but the tags are listed with every work. You might want to use the summary or pre-work notes if there is particular content you feel needs to be added. As you can see here, I put more in the summary as well as in the tags.

--- Tumblr - List your CWs in the top of your post, and then use the "Read More" marker to hide the cut content.

So you can see the actual content is below the line, in each case, which is also helpful to prevent post previews from being too long and gives you more control over Tumblr formatting anyway. For images, you may well need to make use of the community labels too, though I have been informed writing is less important for this as it doesn't show in post previews.

Discord - Spoiler Tagging is your real friend in Discord. Super easy to use, and hides text and images until clicked.

For text, using the || either side of the text will hide it, and for images you can click the eye symbol to spoiler it. You can also do this from mobile by long pressing the image preview to bring up the menu to spoiler. Twitter - Click on the edit then select the flag menu.

Unfortunately you can't hide text on Twitter, so use caution there, or use threads potentially to nest the warned content in the replies. You may also wish to have a separate account for 18+ content if you have SFW content on your account too, or use things like the protected feature so only people who you allow can see your posts.

Is That All?

For now, darlings, I believe we have covered almost everything, but the floor is open in comments to add anything else you feel is important to discuss.

At the end of the day, engaging in fiction and art that contains potentially sensitive subject matter is all about that informed consent. The creator can make something and ask if someone wishes to see it, the viewer/reader then makes their decision if they wish to or not. Our job as creators is to tag our works so people know what is safe for them to engage with. Our job as consumers is to appreciate the work and know that not every work will cater to our specific tastes.

So really loves I'm telling you to go out and revel in how we have so much variety that we really can filter by what we do and don't want to see, and that we will also likely have readers/viewers for everything we are inspired to create.

Let's not have fandom in-fighting or dictating who should be allowed to create what - there are precious few cases in which those fights are worth starting. Be passionate about what you love, skip the things you don't~ Oh and if you do appreciate my philosophies and guidelines on these topics, it is my pleasure to inform you that my personal server is open and welcoming to likeminded people who are 18+. You'll find more details in This Tumblr Post Here

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tavyliasinessays · 11 months ago

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Fandom Essay - Body Positivity and Validation

Good timezone darlings~ Lia is back at it again with some examination of BG3 Fandom and some more of the wonderful things we can find within it. This time we are talking about representation of different physical features. If you feel this might be a little much for you, either in regards to your relationship to your body or any potential dysphoria, please feel free to skip it. Second disclaimer that I will be mentioning trans and nonbinary people here from the perspective of a Cis person - this is absolutely not my right to speak for or over anyone so I thoroughly welcome the voices of those with lived experiences to join in the comments with their input, but I also did not want to leave the topic out of the discussion and you may just see why as we get into it~ So on with today's long title:

How FanWorks Can Be Important To Self Acceptance And Body Positivity - The Next "Callout Essay" from TavyliaSin (Who is calling herself out with these too) ((there are reasons it feels targeted I know where to aim)) (((but honestly it's fine it's all positive I promise)))

Today we will be discussing: body types, disability representation (only a little though, this one may need a full post of its own), body size, gender (and gender euphoria), scars and "imperfections", visible ageing. This will be through the lens of both the canon inclusion and everything we see in mods, edits, and fan creations of all kinds. As usual I will use sub headers and encourage anyone to skip what makes them uncomfortable, as well as to join the discussion~ so let's begin, shall we?

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What Does Body Positivity Mean?

Let's start off with the simple one. Body positivity doesn't mean promoting any one body type as the ideal or as better than any others, it is about being positive about the mortal flesh vessels we inhabit and all of their features. A lot of people can find this difficult, to love oneself or even just accept oneself, especially in a highly critical society. But that is where representation and even fan creations can step in - by being vocal and loud about appreciating features that people may feel negative about in themselves, we can help build up confidence and self worth, as well as reminding all of us that we do not have to look a certain way to be desirable and desired~

How Does This Relate To Baldur's Gate 3?

On the surface, we do have a lot of characters with more conventionally accepted body types in the main cast and romance characters, though it is worth noting that the base models were updated to be less "Hollywood muscles" on a couple of characters, which made more sense to the character stats and backstories (unless Gale was working out every day in his tower, he's not that much like a bodybuilder physique).

But aside from this, when you look closer, there's also an awful lot to appreciate in the standard character designs. A lot of these are things which fans pick up on and adore, despite how they may be features that people are actively bullied for or that are seen as undesirable by beauty standards. Those "beauty standards" can get in the trash too, but I'll use it here to point out the things we are shining a positive light on in the face of those societal values~ Karlach - Our tall queen, strong and muscular and not particularly feminine with her tattoos, piercings, and hairstyle. But she is adored for all of those things, even her broken horn is an important feature, alongside the glowing heart and fire that have some in the game view her as monstrous until they look closer and know her. Astarion - His laugh lines. Gods don't we love those? The wrinkles in his face are experience, and of course he has those signs of exhaustion in his eyes that make him so much more relatable to many of us. Lae'zel - This might feel like cheating as she's not human, and is less human-like than most of the other characters, but in a way that is also an important one. She's still desirable and treated as such in the romances, as well as very much adored by the fans. Gale - The little signs of ageing and stress mark Gale's face, and even the hints of greying in his hair are picked up on and chewed on by those who love him most. Wyll - More on him later but honestly is he not the poster boy for physical acceptance? Not only do we have his initial appearance with the stone eye but with one choice his entire body is completely changed and part of his story is arguably learning to live with this and how his new look is likely going to be seen as everything he ever feared. Halsin - Are we cheating with BIG TALL MUSCLE MOUNTAIN because many people find this attractive to start with? Maybe, but again he has clear signs of ageing, as well as very obvious facial scarring. His look might easily be described as fearsome, and yet his personality couldn't be further from it. Raphael - Hello there lovers of older men, who look at each one of those wrinkles and his brow lines and start sweating a bit more. I'm with you, he's gorgeous because of those signs of aging, not despite them. Abdirak - Our real poster boy for scars and visible wounds. Features which have long been given only to villainous characters in fiction (particularly that aimed at younger audiences) and yes he is one of the most violent characters, but he is also immediately deeply sympathetic to the player. So we are no longer equating scars/visual difference with pure evil. In general we have a lot of features that are not overly smoothed out or homogenised to fit certain standards. We have different nose shapes, visible pores, scars, acne marks, wrinkles, greying hair, moles, freckles, body hair, and a lot of variety across face shapes and features. It makes the characters feel more real, more relatable, and seeing features closer to our own can be comforting and validating in a lot of ways. Of course there are more examples, and far more we could say about each one of these and all the things that make them unique that we love about them, but we would be here all day and there are other topics to cover!

What About The Player Characters?

So we do have a range of fantasy races, many of which arguably don't represent real humans at all, and we do also lack variation in body types in the standard game. But we also have player characters with shorter statures with the dwarves, halflings and gnomes. Beyond just being part of the lore and story, there is some representation here for similar body types in real life. I can't say a lot on this as I neither have personal experience nor do I personally know anyone who could speak on how they feel about these races in comparison to lived experiences, but it would be equally unfair to leave the point out of the conversation - please do add something in the comments if you have the knowledge and emotional bandwidth to spare, I would love to hear about your experiences and opinions! Aside from this we have a wide range of skin tones (though my own is too close to plain paper to be able to tell you if this is anywhere near adequate so please feel free to weigh in with lived experience here) as well as scars and other features in the character creation. There's also vitiligo pigmentation, which is not only representing the condition but also normalising it to those who aren't familiar and making some rather beautiful options for our characters in my opinion. Even in the hair styles there are a couple of options featuring thinner hair or baldness patterns. There are less options for textured hairstyles and the facial features are equally limited, but there are some truly gorgeous mods out there which I'll mention later.

Player Characters And Gender

Another caveat to please weigh in with your lived experiences, but this one is one that I've seen friends enjoy and it was really wonderful to see that delight. Being able to select pronouns, genitals, body type, and voice all independently of each other is something which is so vastly meaningful to a lot of players. To some it might just be "oh cool I get to choose what my character looks like naked", but to a nonbinary friend of mine... Well, they were sending me happy, joyful, and what can only be described as "delightfully shouty" messages when they were in character creation. To paraphrase, and to tone it down just a little, it went something like this:

"Wait you mean I can have a character look and exist the way I want to be? I can actually have myself represented on screen, and nobody will misgender me, and nobody will decline a romance based on any of this?!"

Maybe it seems silly but I got tearful to see them just absolutely losing it over having these options. They've been stuck with binary options in most fantasy RPGs for so long... Of course there's still things that could be improved, there always will be, but that joy? Priceless. It meant something in that moment and I hope it will continue to mean something to a lot more people in many moments to come. Of course there are still flaws - the faces and bodies are still gender matched, and it isn't possible for people to refine the size and shape of player character chests. In some ways really what we have is the bare minimum, a start that needs to go further, but seeing as there have been precious few games in the genre to even reach this low bar it is good to recognise it, to say "this brought people joy and is worth the effort to make it happen", and to say "please go further because there is genuine interest."

What About Mods?

This is where we can see a lot more of that positivity flourishing. There are countless options, from having more hairstyles and hair types, to face shapes and features, all the way to body types and adding in top surgery scars. Giving the game the ability to be modded, and potentially even encouraging and supporting it, means we can see so much more of that body positivity and representation. Having a hero who shares your features, seeing romances play out where the characters are valued in every way just as they are. Being able to mod softer and wider body types to the Origin characters too, taking the form away from the bodybuilder/model physique and far closer to more average - and undeniably still devastatingly attractive - body types. Seeing the trans-Origin character headcanons portrayed too, that's just so utterly divine~ (There is a lot to be said about parallels to LGBTQIA+ experiences in the Origin storylines, too, so feel free to comment on those at the end if you would like to) To all of you out there making mods, and sharing the characters you've created using other peoples' mods - thank you! I adore seeing all of these, as well as people's happiness in sharing and using them too~

I don't even use mods, honestly darlings I'm not the best with tech at times and as I'm spending vastly more hours writing than playing it's likely not as worth it for me - especially when people share the modded content for us all to enjoy in videos and screenshots. But I love how many there are, that they exist, and all the ways they give people joy and euphoria to see their own body types and/or body types they find to be desirable~

But Wasn't This Post About Fandom and Fan Creations?

It was - and is! Because after all of the content you can get in the base game and in the modded version, what comes after is where the fans go with it from there.

That's truly where we get the most body positivity and joy. Headcanons leave the head and pour onto the page. We see characters reimagined a hundred times, each with their own twist, their own enthusiasm both from the creator and from fans just eating up every piece that comes out. There's so much variety there seems to be almost anything you could wish for with almost any character, and I can guarantee you that if there's something you'd like to see and aren't seeing out there, there will be an artist willing to work on the idea (most likely on commission basis, we do prefer to ensure our artists can eat after all, but there may be some willing to just adopt ideas to draw as their own too). This even extends to cosplay, with gender-swapped characters, as well as the one thing I will always be vocal about in cosplay - everyone should be allowed to wear the character costumes they love regardless of body types or how well their body/face matches the original character. Though this does come with the caveat that skin should never be darkened to match a character's look (if that character has a natural type skin tone, obviously green etc is not an issue) - just be your own version of the character if you adore them enough to put the costume together.

And your work?...

Thank you for asking Lia, let me answer that one for you. Of course, take it away, Lia! Ahem silliness aside, there is something you might or might not have noticed in my writing. I don't do a lot of body-type description. You can imagine whatever you like as you read - Gale with a soft tummy to snuggle? Yes please! Or you can imagine him with sculped abs, or a more slender frame - whatever brings you the most joy to read. This is especially true for anything I do with gender neutral character fics (usually "character x Reader"/2nd person pieces) - I try to stay away from any specific gendered features and focus on actions and sensations which can be common to any body.

How Does This All Add Up To Body Positivity?

Simple, love - by sharing and making all of these works we are saying "these features are beautiful, we love them, we want to see more of them as we fall head over heels time and time again". It might not seem like a lot, but the mind is both powerful and very easily open to suggestion. If a person keeps seeing negative things about a feature they have (eg, as a mild example body hair on women/feminine people) they will internalise that and wish to change themselves (eg, waxing/shaving/etc). In the case of a bit of body hair that might not seem drastic, but it still changes how someone feels about themselves. At the end of the day, the more we love ourselves the easier it is to look after ourselves and be happy in the mortal flesh vessels we pilot around this terribly strange universe~ For my part, I have seen my body shape which I had struggled with shown time and time again as "wow look at this character who looks this way, they are amazing! I love this feature, and that feature, and the way the artist made sure to include this particular thing-" Every time I see that, every time I see parts of myself I struggle with being applauded and appreciated, I feel a little brighter. A little more comfortable. A little more like I am allowed to dress it up nicely and spend time and care to feel good about it. I also feel less shame for old scars, for every part of myself that has made me look at the mirror with unkind eyes. Confidence is not a single brick, it's many that need to be built carefully with the right cement. If it is chipped away at too many times, even by little self-deprecating "jokes", it will erode. It will crack. It will wear away piece by piece instead of building up. And before anyone decides to try equating weight and health, darling this is not the place. If you truly care about someone's wellbeing, leave their health to the private discussions they have with their doctors, and remember that looking after oneself is far easier from a place of loving oneself. If you care about a thing, you want to look after it. If you see a thing as already broken, you're less likely to be cautious in how you handle it.

Where does this essay end?

Well, I believe that would be here. With the endless gratitude for every creator out there bringing us mods, images, fiction, art, cosplay, content of all of these wonderful characters in every incredible variation that we can think of. I encourage those of you who are feeling lower in confidence about yourselves to really look at the fan responses to these creations - the excitement and desire for every body type, every feature, everything that we might see of ourselves and dislike there are so many people out there seeing those exact same features we have and feeling nothing but attraction, desire, love, adoration, and praise~ We are often our own worst critics, but not one of those characters would ever reject us, neither are we rejecting any of our favourites when we see them on the screen. I certainly hope to see more games bringing us this variety, and going further too. There is power in fiction and fan-works, and it is helpful to recognise it too.

Apologies if this one felt too long, rambling, or like I lost my point - it was done over 3 days and I'm rather tired~ I have other essays coming in the next few weeks too, and I really would love to hear your opinions on any of them~

As a final note - please do add your own views and experiences on the topic! I can only offer my own as a disabled white cisgender asexual/bisexual/panromantic woman with too much time on her hands~ I neither wish to ignore experiences outside of my own nor speak over them. All I can offer is what I see, what I hear, and of course my endless love to all of you~ That, my very dear darlings, is never in doubt. I love you just the way you are, because of who you are, and will see the beauty in everything that makes up the sum of your wonderful selves~

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tavyliasinessays · 11 months ago

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The Highs and Lows of Fandom Creation

Hello darlings~ It has been a little while and this one has been on my list to get to for a while, and with the Baldur's Date Valentine's Fanworks event soon to draw to a close it seems appropriate to start preparing ourselves for the cycle of what happens when we release our works into the wild. So without further ado, our latest essay~

The RollerCoaster of Emotion That Comes With Being A Creative In Fan Spaces (FanArt, FanFiction, Cosplay, Photography, Music, and So Much More) ((Another CallOut Essay Prepare To Be SEEN)) (((Also I Have Some Coping Techniques Here Too!)))

As usual with my essay pieces I will be making plenty of use of the headers to divide topics, and I fully welcome any thoughts and feelings in the comments. Whilst I am really only in the FanFic side, and a focus on Baldur's Gate 3, I do intend to make this essay inclusive of the trials and tribulations that we all tend to face in making and sharing fanworks of all kinds and through all fandoms. The more people I speak to, the more it seems to be a universal experience, so hold on to your hats it's a bumpy ride! The first part will talk about the Rollercoaster itself, the how and why behind it all, and the second will be around how to cope with it. For readers and appreciators of fan content, I urge you to have a little look too, and at the end I will add in some ways you can help support your favourites too~

Creatives Are Emotional Beings

Starting off with the obvious callout - most of us are. We feel things deeply, and that emotion can often be an incredible driving force behind our works. Whether we're creating around things we've experience, being inspired and influenced by our current emotions, or drawing on our well of imagination to work out what characters might feel (and often more importantly how/why they feel that way), emotion is a strong part of the process.

This can be an incredible strength! Tapping in to the deeper parts of ourselves, our experiences, and the emotions at our cores, can bring out the very best in our works across all creative formats. It also tends to help our audiences engage too, as they recognise their own emotions mirrored in the works.

The Downside to Strong Emotion - The Rollercoaster Effect

This chart was initially drawn up based on writing, but truly after speaking with a few beloved Discord friends it was quick to see that this easily applies to art as well, so I'm going to go over this slightly differently to the initial plan.

The Start Of Every Ride

We begin usually around a neutral baseline, or maybe a little below if we haven't created in a while, perhaps we might start higher than baseline with the rush of an exciting new idea. Either way, the first part of the project tends to go up in mood very quickly when we share those early unfinished parts.

For writers this might be a beta reader or sharing a sample of the work as they're still writing as a teaser, artists might see this as their initial sketch or linework stage if they're sharing progress and teasers too. Cosplayers could be the first part of a build, musicians sharing a few bars of the melody - whatever it is, that first little positive boost that says Keep Going is a powerful one.

But what happens next? Well, you still have more work to do! That initial boost and confidence can drop down to a slump, especially if it's taking longer to complete than you thought it would, and double that if something goes wrong that needs to be changed or fixed.

You may, hopefully, find it begins to rise as things start to come together again and that finish line in sight, but then...

I Finished Making The Thing, Now What?

Well, first you're going to feel that massive surge of satisfaction from completing the thing. Sometimes a dopamine rush in the brain, and all that excitement of "Finally I get to share the thing I worked so hard on! It's done!" So, off you go, you post it. You share the links, maybe drop them in some Discord servers, other social media...and then, often very quickly, it hits you.

Post Publishing Drop

Those of you in the convention and event scene might also know this feeling as "Con Drop", which can take a little longer to manifest. Post Publishing Drop hits quite quickly. Sometimes it might take a few hours, but other times it starts almost within minutes of posting as all that rush of energy finishing and publishing is just...gone.

If you're lucky, you might get some quick and early feedback, especially if you're a well known or popular creator, but I imagine even those of you who tend to get very high engagement can feel a lot of this too so I don't mean to exclude any of you in any way at all~ So what is it? What's happening? WHY?!

Well darlings all that adrenaline is wearing off and realistically you're not likely to get that creative feedback and validation instantly. So that wonderfully powerful emotional heart of yours is going to crack a little. It won't last, it won't stay this low, but good gods that lack of engagement and positive reinforcement can be devastating.

The first engagements you get - kudos, likes, reaction emotes on a Discord post - they may be enough to boost you right back up to your baseline or even a little above, until the worry creeps back in again. And I know that it does, clawing and slithering in the back of your beautifully creative mind whispering those horrible lies:

Why isn't this getting the reaction I hoped for yet? Is this work not as good as before? Have people stopped liking me? Is the website/platform hiding my work? Have I upset people somehow in ways I can't even see?

Then Back Up We Go, And What Goes Up...

Hopefully those voices don't get a chance to be too loud for too long before you see more of that engagement. Maybe it's a heartfelt comment from someone, or a share from someone you respect, or just a little surge of interaction in general. You're back on top, darling, your creative heart is soaring, finally your work is being seen in a way that reminds you why you put in all that time in the first place!

And each time, the high wears off again, with a drop, though the extremities of each is likely less and less as time goes on. Unless, of course, we make one little mistake and the gradual confidence build comes crashing back down...

The Perils Of Comparing

Sometimes this might be looking at someone else's work, seeing a similar style or similar topic get far more engagement than your own. It can be really hard not to feel discouraged by this, and falling into that trap of questioning where you're "going wrong" can lead to absolute agony - I urge you to do your best to move away from this as soon as you notice the feeling. I'll cover some proper techniques later though, I promise!

The other trap with comparison can be looking at your own past works, and over-analysing why some pieces never got the same love and appreciation as others. Picking it apart to find what you can do better is not as wise a plan as it seems for one simple reason:

Over half of this is down to pure chance!

It might be the time of day it was posted, or just one or two people seeing it and deciding to share it on that gives a work a massive boost to interaction and engagement. Maybe a work was lucky enough to get shared in a prominent community by one of the members, or even had someone with a huge following give it a boost.

At the end of the day, there seem to be very few ways to predict this. Of course there are some characters, topics, art styles, writing tropes, etc that will have a tendency to get more love from their respective fanbases - that's how popularity works - but there is no guarantee that, for example, two portraits of the same character in similar styles by different artists will have the same levels of engagement and "success". The main person you should be aiming to please with your own work is yourself~ After all, when working on it you will be the one going over it again and again, knowing every detail in and out, if you don't love the subject of those details your less likely to even reach that finish line~

And It All Begins Again

At the end of the cycle there's often one last spike up. Maybe it's a comment or interaction from someone who truly felt the depth of meaning in your work as you hoped it would, or you realise that it has done better overall in the numbers, or most often you get that creative surge of a shiny new idea that calls to you with that familiar siren song, promising the high of satisfaction and sweeping the memory of that Post Publishing Drop under the rug all over again so you won't see it coming when you trip on it.

How Do We Get Off This Ride? Where's The Safety Bar?

Darlings, be honest, you didn't want to stop. You still don't. That's why you're still right here, reading this with me. Your cycle might take a day, a week, a month, or you may go through the whole thing in a matter of hours.

Riding The Waves

The first way to begin coping is to prepare. Know yourself and how you're likely to feel, and plan ahead for it. If you know the drop is coming, you can try to avoid it, or deploy distress tolerance when it feels too much.

On a very simple level, this can be reminding yourself that the lows do not last, and those highs will still be there. You might even be tempted to try to regulate the highs as much as the lows, to bring everything a little closer in to the baseline throughout the cycle.

Distress Tolerance techniques can be important to practice when you're feeling close to your baseline and calm so that they're easier to turn to when you're feeling that low hit. There are lots of things that work for different people, so it might be trial and error - largely you're looking at relaxation techniques, distraction from the source of the distress, and/or community support.

You Can Rely On The Community!

It is ok to ask for help! You can ask people for reassurance, directly ask for feedback, or even just talk over how you feel with other creators and find out how they're handling things. Sometimes just knowing you're not alone and that your feelings are real, valid, and matter can be a real boon - that's why I'm here, spending a couple of hours putting all of this into words as best as I can for you all. I've felt this cycle too many times, but the more I talk about it with other fic writers the more I feel we are connected and that I'm not just losing my marbles over nothing~

We are human, we have emotions - strong ones, remember? - and there's nothing wrong with that at all!

There is nothing wrong with having emotions and experiencing them!

Knowing When To Step Away

If you know you're more likely to have a swift drop from lack of quick feedback, it's a great idea to plan to step away from socials as soon as you're done. Have an activity planned, or do it all write before bed so you can switch off and go to sleep. Turn off those notifications so you aren't fussing over each one of them as they come in and don't go back for a while.

Allow a realistic amount of time to pass for people to see and engage with your work before you worry it is invisible!

The Next Shiny Idea

Conversely, if you're feeling too much of a creative itch, then as soon as you're done sharing move right on to starting the next project. Let the initial surge of energy from completing and sharing something be the driving force to kickstart the next great adventure! That way you're thinking more about the new work, the sparkling allure of a fresh idea, rather than fixating on the success of the last.

Cashing in on that adrenaline rush to make a good head-start can boost you right to that early feedback stage too, then if you're really lucky when you hit the first drop-off you'll have the positive engagement from the last work to boost you back up, so in some ways you're overlaying your graphs to balance them out with each other.

Naturally this only works if you have the time and energy to do so. It's also important to know when to take breaks to avoid burning out.

General Mood Boosting Ideas

These might not work for everyone, but here are some things to try when you're in one of those lows. A lot of this may be trial and error and knowing yourself best, so treat this as a few things that may or may not be effective rather than Lia's Super Snake Oil Cure For Everything (you have to buy that from me separately, it's super expensive but it is delightfully cherry and cinnamon flavoured~)

Check in on your basic needs. Drink, food, meds (if applicable), sleep/nap, caffeine (if you usually have it), shower/bath/hygiene needs (even if just a quick freshen up it's better than nothing), fresh air/outside time (if possible), exercise/physical movement (if you're able to), social needs (can be in person or online, any social interaction/support)

Music can be a powerful mood tool. Sometimes it's cathartic to listen to music that matches your current mood, but other times it is better to listen to music with the mood you want to feel.

Media from the fandom, like the book/film/game/etc that you're making fanworks for - return to the thing that inspired you to create and remember all the things that you loved about it in the first place.

Look at other fanworks but be very cautious! Do this for inspiration, to look at things you do and don't like in other pieces, but do not do this if it will be likely to cause a mood drop for you.

Do something different and change up your routine. Something entirely new or something you haven't done for a while.

Try something small, not connected to a large piece. A few sketches, doodles, make a meme, write a few short lines of dialogue or a brief scene. Share something with far lower stakes for a little boost.

Talk to others in the creative community and have a bit of fun, maybe try some games together, whatever you like!

I'm Not A Creative, How Can I Help?

This also counts for creatives who want to support each other, too! Of course I will put the caveat that I do understand that not everyone is comfortable visibly interacting with spice and that's fine~

Drop a like or kudos if you enjoyed the piece, it takes a second and means the world~

Leaving a comment, even a couple of silly words of "I loved it" is great!

Leaving a longer comment, picking out your favourite parts? That is the kind of boost that lasts weeks darlings it really does.

Sharing the work is also a big boost, whether publicly or privately to friend/fan groups, but especially when sharing art/images please share the link with it not just the image or a screenshot~ let people find and appreciate the artist.

Follow or Subscribe or Turn on notifications if you really want to see more of their work, then you can interact sooner and give that much needed boost~

Try to be patient, especially with longer or higher effort works. Expressing excitement is a boost, but just be careful you're not putting too much pressure on the creator. We do have things going on behind the screen that can delay our plans at times.

Consider dropping an interaction on something else, or check in on how they're doing in general - a little kindness outside of just the works being produced can be a boost too!

The Grand Finale of the Rollercoaster

Thank you for staying with me to the end darlings, I know this was likely a bit of an emotional ride, but please do drop in some comments or reblogs with the other things you experience and how you handle the emotional whirlwind of being a fan creator. Always remember, you are valued for more than just what you can produce, your works are adored but the person behind them is worth so much more and always will be. Look after yourselves, I love you dearly~

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tavyliasinessays · 11 months ago

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The Abdirak Essay - Fandom, Pain, and Loviatar's Love

Another day, another Lia Essay - and if you're really really deliciously sinful my very dear darlings, I shall give you yet more when the sun rises again upon the morrow. So, today in Niche Fandom Adoration Hours, I give you:

For The Love of Loviatar: Why Discomfort Can Be Delightful, How Agony Alleviates Anguish, and All The Ways Abdirak Fans Are Also TavyliaSin's Very Favourite People (Who Also Probably Need A Hug) ((Do We Love The Long Titles?)) (((If No, Consider This Essay Title Part Of Your Penitance)))

The themes of this essay will discuss: BDSM, Kink, Chronic Pain, wounds/injury, Acute Pain, Mental Health, mentions of harmful behaviours, a discussion of psychological elements from someone with absolutely no formal training or experience, vague mentions of trauma, and the magic of friendship. So please make sure you are in a comfortable place within yourself if you feel any of the above might be difficult to read for any reason. It is ok to skip sections as each has a topic header, or you can leave at any time. Nobody is judging you for that at all. Additionally, NSFW discussion further through, so minors DNI as usual. Very little of my blog will ever be suitable for under 18s, for your safety and for mine. Editing in to add a link to the Abdirak fandom gift to chronic pain pals A Cameo from Declan (Abdirak's Performer) (Fully SFW)

All that said, the main theme of this piece is actually:

To truly understand suffering is to avoid being its cause.

So, let's understand what "Suffering" is first, shall we, Dear Ones?

The Difference between Pain and Suffering

Lia hasn't completely lost the plot darlings, the two words may seem almost interchangeable but they are not. At the very least, this is the interpretation I have and the discussion that follows will stick with it too~ Pain is the sensation itself, whether physical or mental, it is the hurt, the bruise pressed upon, the moment a heart breaks. That is pain. Suffering on the other hand, is the effect that the pain has. It is the anguish, the torment, the overwhelm and the exhaustion. So, whilst two people might have the same pain, let's say a stubbed toe for a simple example, their suffering might be very different. One might feel able to walk it off, maybe swear a little and move on. Another might need to sit immediately, feel tears in their eyes, or even become utterly overcome by misery from the intense sensation. This might sound like a difference in tolerance, but it can also be seen as taking the bigger picture into account. One brick might not feel so heavy to someone with empty hands, but added to a pile of bricks already carried it may feel as if it weighs a dozen times as much.

What about Abdirak? How does he relate to Pain and Suffering?

When I first heard Abdirak speak, I knew he understood this concept to its very core. His goddess wants pain, but in himself he does not seem to want actual suffering. He does draw a different line, with pain being physical and suffering being the mental aspect, however the principles are very close to my own. Some people might see Abdirak and judge him as cruel, as a torturer delighting in anguish, but that could not be further from the truth. When he speaks of delivering pain with a loving hand, that really is meant. When he was speaking to the player character, for a moment I felt so intensely seen when he speaks of seeing a greater suffering.

"Forgive me, but that look in your eyes - something terrible has happened to you. ...I see those same eyes when I look in the mirror, dear one."

This, to me, was such a moment. He recognises trauma easily, and we also have this chance here to either interpret this as "oh, right, the tadpole stuff, the things in the game" or we can allow our own feelings about a player character's backstory as the interpretation of what he has seen. Either way, he immediately offers to alleviate that suffering with pain, something he is familiar with, something he knows to help from personal experience. There's the important point. His motivation is not to cause hurt, but to relieve it.

How does pain make anything better?

Deep breaths loves we're getting to the heart of a few things here and it may get heavy. At the most basic broken down level, right at the bottom of everything, it's about distraction. Pain is instant, sharp, a sensation that draws our nerves tight and fires off that electricity directly into our brains. It takes our attention and focus away from whatever else is on our minds. Usually? This would be detrimental, to be unable to concentrate on something because pain is intruding. However, think back here, "delivered with a loving and measured hand." This is precise pain, sensation that is welcomed and applied with expert care in order to reach that point right between where pain is suffering and where it cuts out the thoughts. BDSM darlings will know this as similar to "subspace" which I will discuss later~ Whilst there is some short term benefit to using strong sensation to distract the mind and alleviate intense distress, if taken into real life scenarios there are a lot of things to consider, and it is far better to speak with a therapist. Though the most commonly suggested low-harm methods can be things like gripping an ice cube for a minute or two, or even something like exercise that can push the mind to focus on the body instead of the source of the distress. The element of penance is also there. Abdirak brings to the fore those thoughts of struggle and guilt, so those are the thoughts that are stripped back by the physical pain. It's intentional, careful, and taps at the other core of using pain to alleviate suffering.

Why we love Abdirak, and the importance of recognising the weight of unwarranted guilt.

Remember my little villain essay? Back then I spoke of how a love for villains can also come from the way we are prone to judge ourselves unfairly, to heap undeserved guilt at our own feet, and to believe every slight mistake to be a heinous sin. Sorry, darlings, the only heinous "sin" you are allowed to believe in is me. Name puns aside... Part of the draw is indeed right there, believing ourselves deserving of punishment it's appealing to want to submit to that and find absolution from everything we judge ourselves for. And yet, it isn't a horrific thing, it's coloured by love and affection. The Love of Loviatar from Abdirak does not ignore that first part. But I do encourage you, if you are feeling particularly called out right now, to stop seeking punishment for things that are objectively not your fault, and instead treat yourself with kindness and forgiveness. By all means continue to indulge in our beloved priest of Pain and the joy he brings, but do so without any negative self-assessment, alright? Good, I'm glad we agre- THAT MEANS ALL OF YOU. No exceptions.

And what of the Fandom?

Ahh Abdirak fandom. Small, loving, welcoming, and utterly devoted~ Similarly to villain fandom (Abdirak is obviously not a villain, but is arguably villain-coded), his fandom also draws a lot of kindness and understanding. Despite how we might see ourselves, we are remarkably free from judgement in how we treat each other. There's endless encouragement, genuine warmth, and alongside spicy takes that might make lava look like a suitable spot for ice fishing there's a profound amount of respect and consent. By which I mean, there's no shame. There's no allowance for "I hate that character you like", or "that kink is bad because I don't like it". Tags and CWs are applied to posts and works with care and nobody is treated poorly for enjoying what (or who) they enjoy in the fictional space. To go back to the quote at the start of this essay, "to truly understand suffering is to avoid being its cause." I feel the vast majority of us have that depth of insight and recognition for suffering and have the empathy required to wish to avoid it. And that is why I would perhaps feel safest in the company of Abdirak fans (and likewise Raphael fans), there's another level of connection in those tadpoles~ Which leads me neatly forwards to...

Endurance: Abdirak and Chronic Pain Sufferers

Here, loves, we're going to get a bit more personal. Those of us with chronic pain conditions may find an even deeper connection. So I'll go over a little for those who are fortunate enough to not have personal experience here: Chronic Pain - This applies to pain which is constant or frequently recurring, that lasts (and/or is expected to last) for more than 3 months. It's not like a broken bone that heals and has an end, it's not like a few headaches that come and go with little consequence, it is either always present or always on the edge of flaring up at any time. It's different to acute pain, because most conditions have no cure, many barely have any treatment so all one can do is try to endure the worst of it. The other side-symptoms can be reduction in physical ability, exhaustion, mental health difficulties (because for some odd reason constant pain is not a path to happiness), low self esteem, and of course carrying the guilt of feeling like a burden if you need help from others (you are not a burden, and anyone who says so can receive the blessing of forever feeling like there is a stone in their shoe that they cannot find). As an aside, this can apply to chronic mental health struggles too - it is still pain, only a different kind. Though I will be looking primarily at physical pain here, as that's where Abdirak's focus is. Now, where are we going with this? The difference here is in how pain is treated. Abdirak speaks of pain as a wonderful thing, as something that is sought after, that is a way of worshipping Loviatar. This is something that might feel strange to someone who is plagued by pain, but there's another quote I'd like us to remember.

"Pain without purpose is a terrible thing, wouldn't you agree?"

Chronic pain has no purpose. It's there whether by illness or injury, or some other unseen cause. It was not a choice, it doesn't bring any relief, and often it drags us right down with it.

"Please let me alleviate this pain."

And there's another line, one we wish we could hear, one we wish so very deeply in the core of our being that we could believe. That there could be someone who could bring an end to the pain even if only for a brief time, a fleeting hope of relief.

How fanworks can be a means of coping with chronic pain.

So here's the next point... What in all the hells do I mean, how can fanworks help a single thing? Well, have some personal moments. I had a deeply unpleasant flare up the other night, so I put out a brief ask to writing groups for some comforting fiction shorts. In the past, I've written a few myself - like these: Abdirak - Migraine Comfort Yurgir - Migraine Comfort Tav - General Comfort, with Audio Multi-Character Comfort Drabbles (Including Abdirak) Full AO3 fic of Abdirak x Chronic Pain Reader (Spicy, NSFW)

These are the two I received from some writers very dear to my heart who have more talent and skill than I could ever hope to aspire to in their works. Elfvamp (who does not have tumblr) (image description is attached to the image)

and this one from @morb-untamed

Darlings, when I tell you there were tears in my eyes at these, I mean it. THIS is just an example of the understanding and compassion possible in the community, the care and consideration, and the emotion that words can carry through them that make things genuinely feel more bearable in the moment of distress. Both captured something that it took me too long to realise. Perhaps what follows might sound entirely unreasonable or unhinged, but for someone like myself who has not known a single second of what "0%" feels like in over 10 years, it's beginning to seem far more sane by the moment. What if, within the confines of my mind, I try to rewrite the understanding of pain as something different. Just tell myself each new pain is an offering to some vile deity who has decided my mortal vessel is worthy of enduring, rather than one that is being punished with suffering. Breathe through it and listen to those character voices, find my own purpose to the pain. Let it become inspiration, note it down, get that visceral and intimate knowledge to the page instead. Naturally, this probably isn't a healthy coping mechanism, nor one that is infallible, but there have been moments recently where thinking that has made the moderate levels less distressing, easier to tolerate for a time. Perhaps it could do the same for you, but perhaps not, either way - it is there. Please do read through the comfort pieces too, and if you would like to see more - even ones with more specific aims and pains, please do just ask and I will make them happen. Either through my ask box, or in comments/reblogs, or any other way you wish to contact me honestly.

Alright, Tavylia, we've covered personal pain, but you promised NSFW discussion!

Oh my very dear darlings I had not forgotten this part~ You may here people talk about "good pain" and "bad pain", and wonder how/why pain can ever be good. It's not just about a physical hurt sensation or using that as a distraction. Pain can cause a rush of adrenaline, and even endorphins - similar to how people enjoy extreme sports, horror films, or theme parks, it's a pleasant feeling from something that would usually be scary, because it's safe and controlled. Falling from a high place? That's terrifying, dangerous. Parachuting safely from that same high place? It's controlled, there's no real danger, but the feeling of danger brings that adrenaline rush. There's the key. In real life BDSM there is control in the safe signal, in knowing it can and will stop when needed, that although there is someone causing pain they will stop at a moment's notice. (Anyone who does not respect a safe word/signal is not someone you should be in that situation with, if you are engaging in or want to try BDSM with real partners please PLEASE do your research on safety, that's too long a lecture to add here) In the context of fiction, we can go a lot further. Could a real person easily withstand Abdirak hitting them with an axe in their back? Obviously not, that's far too much. But this is a world with magical healing, and our fantasy and fiction is quite safe to extend where we find is interesting. So when reading - and especially writing - with pain and pain play, I encourage you to remember these links to adrenaline, endorphins, and that it isn't about harm, it's far deeper, and finding an understanding of that (even if you never wish to experience it) might be of some benefit to understanding those around you who have this intimate relationship with pain.

A title for the End

I think I've covered a lot here, but I do just want to round us off now. If you have any questions about this topic (or any of my other essay posts), please do feel free to ask - that's why my box is there, for all kinds of discussions to open up. Not just for smut and creative writing, but for all the ways we connect with fiction and characters. There is so much more than a single story being told, each of us experiences it through the lens of our own experience, we all find our connections in different ways, and I will have more character essays on this later. There's so much more to see, to learn, from all the interpretations throughout the fandom. I'm very grateful to be here to witness it, and for you being here to share in these thoughts and explore them more with me. Pain can teach us many things, about ourselves and others. Empathy, kindness, compassion - when we know how much we need them ourselves, we begin to see how much others may need it too. Much like how Abdirak sees the pain behind the player character's eyes, and feels that strong desire to help in the ways he knows how.

A Final Note for the Pain Pals

To my Chronic Pain Pals, darlings you do not always have to be strong. It's alright. It will not break you entirely to let go of that incessant need to try and quietly endure. Find those places it is safe to let it out, look for those tricks you can use on your brain to make Loviatar's Favour just a little more bearable. You are worthy of kindness, support, and compassion. The same you are likely giving of yourself to everyone else. You are not a burden, these are pains you do not choose, and you deserve something more gentle without any guilt attached to it. You are also not alone, find community, find those who understand.

Pain without purpose...but have we given it one now?

So I hope this time the pain has had a purpose in teaching, in helping us connect in new ways, to find compassion and understanding. Until next time, Dear Ones, look after yourselves.

Oh hey look I know who made that gif that came up in the search~ What an absolutely wonderful coincidence ;) (And a final final footnote, hello Abdirak fan community, you are perfect and I wish you nothing but the best in all things)

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