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[tanglesandcrystals]

08/10/2022 12:34pm NEW Home :)

Life had been so busy. Our landlord informed us that he would not be renewing their lease come October but, as incentive, he’d offer $200 for every week we broke the lease early. This incentive became a lifeline for us. As it was nearly August and we had not been planning on moving, we needed to utilize that money in order to secure a new apartment. Stress began to build, much like pressure in a contained space, as the ever-present countdown loomed with each passing week. If we didn’t find a place soon, we wouldn’t be able to afford anywhere. What was once passing commentary about the rent crisis, inflation, and the state of the world became a pressing reality. 

Who could afford to move in this economy?

Every waking moment was crucial. When we weren’t browsing the internet for apartments we were discussing our nonexistent budget. When we weren’t doing either of those things, we were working. Extra expenses were cut, trips were cancelled, and the anxiety began to build in earnest. He was the go-getter, the project manager, the fire in the furnace. I was the optimist, the planner, the faithful. He saw every problem, I saw every solution. Neither of us agreed with how the other processed stress. He needed to numerate every problem to keep the checklist in the forefront of his mind; I needed moments to breathe in order to stay sane.

We saw a light at the end of a tunnel; an open house for a one-bedroom not far from our home. The rent was manageable, pets were permitted, and it was available in August. During the open house we spoke with the management company’s representative openly about our interest in the apartment. He was forthright, I was charming, and the representative offered an additional place, not yet listed, for us to see. We agreed we’d be interested in the other property but wanted to apply for this one first. We raced home and applied to the unit.

I prayed, hopeful, that this space was the one in God’s plan for us. I put faith in Them, Their plan, and Their vision.

We didn’t get the apartment.

Despite the fact that we had cut out extra expenses and streamlined our experiences, I was determined to take a moment. With so many problems and stressors flying around our heads I insisted that we take a weekend at the beach house to settle. Settling is not in his nature. He cannot pause, cannot cease, until the problem is tackled. We were sitting in a house across from the Atlantic and he wanted to look for places, apply, drive back to Massachusetts for a viewing.

I refused. I broke down.

I needed a breather. The beach house had always been the one place stress couldn’t find me. Whenever my world would crumble that house stood tall. It held me, whispering kindness into my ears on a sea breeze. I told him, resolutely, that I would not permit his urgency to ruin my bliss. For that one weekend, those two simple little days, I needed to refuse to acknowledge our problems. I can manage my own stress. Anxiety has always been my platonic life partner. In order to bear the burden I’m always under I have learned to compartmentalize. I’ve learned to pause. I’ve taught myself how to remove my brain from my head, wring it out, and rest it for a day. Life will always go on. There will always be another problem. There will always be another crisis. Those things can wait a day while I heal.

He apologized. 

The very next day, we received an email from the management company we had spoken to. The apartment they’d told us about was about to be available and they wanted to offer us a private tour before they listed it. Were we interested?

Of course.

We left Maine a few hours earlier than planned and made our way to the address and immediately fell in love. The apartment was a small two-bedroom, newly renovated, with skylights and plush carpeting. I walked through the space and imagined our belongings here. I could see, immediately, how to place everything, what to decorate with. I could visualize, in Studio Ghibli Style, quiet moments in the hallway, music in the kitchen, soft light streaming through the windows.

The management company representative told us that she had loved our application for the previous apartment. His credit was phenomenal, our references superb. She’d enjoyed speaking with us, especially my explanation of looking for a place to stay long-term. The owner of the previous apartment building had gone a different way, but she wanted to offer us this one, before it was listed, and asked when we could move in. It was ours if we wanted it; we just needed to sign the paperwork and hand over the check.

We agreed.

The week passed in a flurry of activity. We packed, cleaned, called our old landlord, received our incentive, and managed to move for free. God had used the first application as a stepping stone for our second, and I thank Them, profusely, for Their plan.

And now, here I sit. We still have a lot left to do, but today is a day of rest. He is watching funny videos, I’m sitting in our kitchen. This room is the only one that’s set up completely, and it already feels like the heart of our new home. 

Life has been so stressful, but at least now we can begin the next chapter in our lives. 

30 is going to feel good in this apartment.

[tanglesandcrystals]

July Food Log

07/18/2022: smoothie with peanut butter, half a hash brown; mini tortilla and hummus; chocolate cake; kielbasa fried rice w veggies; ice cream

07/19/2022: smoothie with peanut butter; tortilla and hummus, yogurt raisins; veggie and chicken macaroni and cheese; Italian ice

07/20/2022: eggs, 1 avocado toast, hash brown, sausage; mixed berries, yogurt raisins; veggie and chicken macaroni and cheese, apple; ice cream

07/21/2022: sausage, egg & cheese on an everything bagel; fruit cup, raisins; kielbasa fried rice, salad; Italian ice

07/22/2022: 1 egg, toast, sausage, hash brown, smoothie; veggie chicken macaroni and cheese and salad; popsicles, popcorn, snacks

07/23/2022: Qdoba chicken salad; turkey burger w goldfish; beef teriyaki stir fry; Italian ice

07/24/2022: eggs, avocado toast, hash brown; last hurrah date night pulled pork sandwich with fries and a drink; Italian ice

07/25/2022: pb&j, apple; turkey burger, Dr Pepper; beef teriyaki stir fry, grapes; Italian ice

07/26/2022: eggs, 1 avocado toast, hash brown: tortillas and hummus; salad with chicken; fudge

07/27/2022: buffalo chicken salad, fries; curry chicken salad, watermelon; Italian ice

07/28/2022: eggs, 1 avocado toast, hash brown, grapes; granola bar, apple; fried rice w chicken, grapes; Italian ice

07/29/2022: sausage, egg, and cheese on a bagel; roast beef sandwich: lobster with salad and fries; popsicle

07/30/2022: eggs, bacon, banana, avocado toast; roast beef sandwich, Cheetos; banana; ice cream; seafood Alfredo, popsicle

07/31/2022: eggs, bacon, avocado toast; caprese salad, calamari; salmon and veggies; milkshake

[tanglesandcrystals]

07/26/2022 8:53am Home

I texted my little brother today.

I’ve been thinking a lot about guilt lately. One of my biggest regrets is letting my dad take away my relationship with my siblings. Who knows what he’s told them about me, my life, my relationship? They’re both fully people now. I’ve missed out on 5 years of their lives. They’re constantly on my mind, but being a distant thought isn’t the same thing as being there for them. 

His birthday is this weekend. Rather than text him on the actual day (and potentially cause additional stress) I decided to reach out today. I told him he deserves happy things and an apology and an explanation from me. I have no idea if he’ll get back to me.

I really, really hope that he does.

[tanglesandcrystals]

07/25/2022 10:28am Home

We had a very busy weekend.

Between applying for jobs, applying for new apartments, and having to drive over an hour to see Wellesley’s aunt for a little while, there was very little fun time to be had.

Wellesley and I are officially in grind mode. We applied to our old jobs at the liquor store in hopes of picking up a few part time hours here and there. If all goes well, we could bring home an additional $200 a week. An extra grand a month each would work wonders for our debt and for our ability to move.

Not to mention, it’s always good to have extra cash when you’re broke.

This is the poorest I’ve ever been. Living so close to the edge of poverty is not only terrifying, but one hell of a wakeup call. Prior to this year, there was always an opportunity, or at least a backup plan. Now there’s nothing, mostly because I’m not making the same kind of money I was making when I had a salaried office job.

But honestly? Fuck that job.

I stayed there out of necessity for five years and hated every second of it. The bosses were awful, the commute atrocious, and my mental health suffered. I was depressed, anxious, overweight, and just all-around miserable. Switching to manufacturing has done wonders for my mentality. I have more energy, more time, more life within me. The only payoff to that awful job was that I was never this broke, never this scared. I’d rather be scared but happy than stable and miserable.

It’s times like these that show us who we really are. It’s time to buckle down, to focus, and to do what we need to do. This is a time to rewire myself. I’m no longer leaning on a vice to make it through tough times. My problems are my responsibility and that is that. It’s okay to melt down, it’s okay to be stressed, it’s okay to take a day to rage and storm and bluster; it’s healthy to let out those emotions.

I have faith in myself, in my boyfriend, and in the greater plan that is made for us. Comfortability and stability over these last few years have given me the opportunity to forge new habits, new mentalities, and new perspectives. It is time to put those into action. 

There is no point in worrying about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today is the only day that matters.

[tanglesandcrystals]

07/22/2022 10:14am Home

The anxiety demons have been exorcised.

I had a bit of an epiphany last night at work. During times of peace, I often experience higher anxiety because I’m anticipating the next disaster. I look for dual meanings that aren’t there, pick problems when there aren’t any, and just worry endlessly about things beyond my control. It’s hell.

When something actually terrible happens, I melt down. I panic, cry, lose all sense of self, and live in that terrible moment of the unknown for a day or so. It’s awful.

But then, the next day, I’m fine. The problem is still there but now it’s known. It’s easier to work towards a resolution when there’s a tangible, visible issue at hand. I work well in crisis situations because of it.

Thanks, childhood trauma.

Mindfulness is hard.

[tanglesandcrystals]

07/20/2022 Home 10:11am

The stress has broken through. Trips are cancelled, leases are not being renewed, and it’s time to be a grown-up and face the music.

After spending most of yesterday alternating between crying and being dead inside, it’s nice to wake up feeling like I can actually manage the problem at hand. It also helps that it’s pay day. I threw some money at my credit card and towards rent and now my debit card AND credit card are simply going to get bored in my wallet. They’re grounded. And so am I.

We’re going to be looking at apartments, making some plans, and hoping for the best.

It’s all we can do.

[tanglesandcrystals]

07/19/2022 Home 10:03am

My anxiety has been brutal lately. Between money concerns, planning for Germany, and the current status of the world, it feels like my heart is perpetually racing. There are so many things to be worried about. Usually during these kinds of times I tend to micromanage. My days become rigid, thought out, and planned to the last detail. It’s a coping mechanism, a grasp for control. Usually it helps.

My big anxiety right now has to do with getting my passport. My goal was to not procrastinate on it. I had days planned for it in January and February. It is now July. There’s a piece of me, a leftover toxic piece, that wants to punish myself. There’s something about important tasks like this that I just cannot face. Then I get distracted, forget about it, and now we’re down to the wire. I’m going to go tomorrow to get the process started and I’m going to expedite it. I’m very very anxious about messing up this process. At this point I’m trying to release my anxiety because worrying means you suffer twice but my body’s natural response to anxiety is something beyond my control. My heart keeps racing, my thoughts won’t hold still, I can’t focus.

It’s miserable.

So! Positive things to plan for instead.

I’m going to go tomorrow to get the forms filled out and do all the things I need to do. I will not do anything other than passport stuff until I have to get ready for work

I’m going to use Friday as an additional day if needed for passport things. This problem will be officially out of my hands by then

Saturday we’re seeing Racine! I have no idea what we’re doing. We’re hopefully just going to hang out.

Sunday we’re going biking and to the beach with Jake and Nikki.

Next weekend we’re going to the beach house for the whole weekend. I need that trip so badly.

This isn’t working. I can’t slow down. Luckily I’ll be going to the gym soon so at least the racing heart will switch over to cardio rather than just fight or flight.

[tanglesandcrystals]

Routines

Gym Days: Feed Octavia -> Gym -> One Chore -> Coffee & Contemplation -> One Chore -> Shower -> Cook -> Get Ready -> Downtime -> Work

Friend Gym Days: Feed Octavia -> Small errands -> One Chore -> Contemplation -> Gym -> Shower & Get Ready -> Cook -> Work

Task Days: Feed Octavia -> One Chore -> Task -> Coffee & Contemplation -> Decompress -> Get ready -> Work

[tanglesandcrystals]

07/18/2022 11am Home

What do I need to focus on to improve right now?

Four of Wands: (fell out) reaching a notable plateau, solid foundation, a positive start and a positive future

Eight of Swords: superficial thinking, self-imposed restraints, feeling powerless, self-victimization

Four of Cups: introspection, becoming centered, [self-absorption]

I am at a good place. My goals are set, my habits are in the process of developing well, but my faults are still present. I still view myself as a victim and although I do a lot of inward thinking, I need to be aware of the world beyond my reflection. There’s a fine line between centering myself and being self-absorbed. I may be bordering that line. 

I need to break free from my own mind. 

[tanglesandcrystals]

07/18/2022 10:00am Home

Oh the eternal struggle of losing and finding my routine. 

Today was the first day of getting back into it. I woke up before my alarm (amazingly) and immediately got up and started my day. I fed Octavia, threw on my gym clothes, and headed out to put the work in.

I burned about 467 calories on the treadmill and then did abs, followed by a focus on my upper body and back. I’m trying to focus on keeping my core braced and improving my overall form; apparently my core is weaker than I thought.

I also used the assisted squat lift in the free weights section. Rather than use the leg press every day, I’m going to focus on my squats. 

Really getting back into exercise is going to be hugely beneficial. This past weekend really showed me that healthier decisions improve my happiness and my focus. It’s so easy to slide into bad habits to take the edge off a stressful time period...but that relief is temporary at best. It used to be worth it to lose sight of struggles for a night but now the day after is filled with remorse born of indulgence.

Deity work is making me very aware of the impact my decisions make. I’m in the process of unlearning the shame that organized religion taught me, but I also need to respect the boundaries that are set within my faith. I can’t do things willy nilly. I have to respect myself and my beliefs.

It’s astounding how quickly my good habits have shifted.

When I was younger I did the right thing. A lot of that was a result of anxiety and emotional abuse. The last decade or so hardened me. I lost my sight of the goodness and light that I once aimed for. It used to be second nature to do the right thing, give people the benefit of the doubt, work towards peace. I had to learn boundaries and heal from my trauma, but now I can achieve all that again. This time, it’ll be safer.

[tanglesandcrystals]

06/29/2022 2:30pm Home

“Finding Your Path” Tarot Trick - Shuffle your deck, then look for the Wheel of Fortune. The first card is where you are, the third card is what you must do to change your life and find your path.

Nine of Swords: inability to control one’s thoughts, wanting to “wake up” and change one’s mindset, ruminating on the past

Hanged Man: willingly surrendering, changing one’s perspective, seeing the big picture

One of my big issues is that I’m always determined to grow. I know that my current state is not my end state, so I spend a lot of time questioning my past to figure out the best route to my future. While this feels like a good idea in theory, in reality what that means is I’m always analyzing myself and my situation rather than being part of it. 

Control is hard to relinquish. The better I understand myself, the easier it is to move forward. If I spend a majority of my time in analysis though, I’m not seeing what is actually physically in front of me. I’m reacting to my interpretation of the thing, not the thing itself.

It is nearly impossible to get out of my own head. I see strings everywhere. How a becomes b all the way down to z - that’s how I see. Cause and effect run my life. 

Is that a trauma response? My need to find a cause for everything?

It’ll be hard to unlearn that habit. But I must relinquish control. I must enjoy life. 

[tanglesandcrystals]

06/28/2022 12:50pm Home

Vacillating between electric and analog journaling methods has to be a form of self care, right?

I love the action of physically journaling but sometimes my thoughts go too fast for my brain. Typing journal entries feels more like stream-of-consciousness; I get to the meat of the issue more quickly because my mind and hands can move at a similar speed.

The only problem with that is my tendency to dissociate when my hands have taken over for my brain.

It is incredibly difficult to stay grounded. My mind and attention both like to wander - often in different directions! - and it’s hard to keep my focus on the task at hand. Journaling and reflecting only work if you actually put in the work to journal and reflect. Just writing something down is not the same thing as taking the time to ponder on life. I was just journaling (in a physical journal, that is) when I realized that I was merely reporting. I was stating. I was listing. Dictating my day is also not the same as reflecting on my day. 

Mindfulness is hard work!

What I really want to discuss is my new tarot deck. Wellesley and I were planning on going grocery shopping but realized we wouldn’t be able to, so I asked if we could pop over to the witchcraft store for some supplies. The tarot card section always calls to me and there, on the top shelf, was the Influence of Angels deck.

It. Is. Beautiful.

Not only is the art of the deck fantastic, it is also gold embossed with a phenomenal little guide explaining the direct meaning, the shadow meaning, an angel blessing, AND features either Named Angels or important historical figures. It is perfect. The moment we came home I opened it, cleansed it, shuffled it, and did a few little readings. It feels like a good time to refocus on my magic, especially since I’ve been doing so well about going to church consistently.

It’s time to admit, at least to myself, that I have a very strong faith. My belief system is hugely important to me and I do tend to see the world through the lens of religion. Over the last decade (or longer, if I’m being honest) I have distanced myself from my faith. It’s too personal, too raw, and also does not line up at all with the modern world. My fear of being judged or ridiculed for believing in God is so innate, mostly because everyone I know dislikes Christianity in the abstract. My friends and family know that I’m spiritual and none of them would ever mock me for believing, but it also isn’t something I want to bring up.

So much of this is rooted in my need to mask. I’ve been putting on a performance for my family, friends, and peers for most of my life...to the point that I hide facets of myself away.

That needs to change. 

My name is Jules. I am a nonbinary person who uses they/them pronouns. I am Catholic. I am a witch. I believe in God, angels, saints, crystals, and all manifestations of the divine. I am no longer going to hide my light.

[tanglesandcrystals]

I have the attention span of a gnat. 

Journaling has always been an escape of mine. I love organizing my thoughts and writing down my feelings. Writing everything down has always been my main form of catharsis and self-discovery. It’s hard to keep track of myself otherwise.

Keeping this in mind, it’s no surprise that I’ve spent a lot of time and money trying to find the perfect journaling format. I’ve bought journals, diaries, app subscriptions, websites, and each time I get a few weeks or a few months out of it and then lose all interest and want to start something new.

This morning I started building a new google site. I wanted to have an online presence that allowed me to make changes, tweak the layout, or do anything else in order to keep my attention on my journaling. The home page was set up and a few other pages had the beginnings of blueprints when I realized something.

The website looked exactly like the tumblr I created at the end of December. This tumblr.

There’s no doubt in my mind that I want to improve myself this year. My problem isn’t necessarily with dedication; it’s with attention. My attention span and need for stimulation has resulted in constantly trying new journals or journaling media. 

This is really reinforcing the idea that I might have ADHD. 

I crave the consistency of journaling and keeping everything tracked and organized BUT THEN after a few weeks of doing just that my brain wants to YEET.

THEN my autism is at war with my impulses because I want to be consistent and regular and scheduled but the schedule is too rigid for the side of me that wants to try new things.

So many more things are making sense now. 

This is so frustrating. How did I make it this long without figuring these things out about myself??

[tanglesandcrystals]

Yesterday was a great day.

I had the day off and I got to spend an afternoon and evening by myself. This was hugely important for me because I hadn’t had any me time in months. I love Wellesley to bits but even he drains me after a while. 

I started my afternoon with a bath spell for self love and revitalization. I filled the tub with salt, peach blossoms, rose quartz, amethyst, and a bath bomb. I relaxed, lit candles and incense, and smoked a bowl while listening to music that sounded like it was composed by fairies. It was very soothing to have some consistent downtime and do something self-indulgent. I even did a face mask and moisturized everywhere. I then treated myself to some macaroni and cheese for dinner, and had popcorn and veggies and hummus as a snack while watching the Jonas Brothers family roast.

When Wellesley got home I continued my alone time and read in bed until I fell asleep. I woke up feeling rejuvenated (well, mostly tired but still!) and started my day.

This past weekend was a little stressful…mostly Sunday was, at any rate. We had to go out to see Wellesley’s aunt and grandma again and it literally felt like an 8 hour shift. We got there at 2 and didn’t get home until midnight. It was a long day, filled with a lot of talking and emotional labor. I’m so, so glad I had yesterday off to recharge. 

Tracy is a really sweet person but she’s erratic. She gets easily distracted, she’s very chatty, and she’s a lot to be around sometimes. Having had two weekends in a row where we’ve had to go out there to help her out has been exhausting. And now there’s some drama brewing with her brother, Wellesley’s uncle. It doesn’t look great.

And on top of all THAT, Bumpa is back in the hospital for pneumonia. He’s going to be filtered through a rehab facility, so hopefully he gets out and gets home soon. His goal is to be able to live independently again. I hope it works. I don’t like realizing that my grandparents are mortal.

Other than that, my ongoing issue is that I’ve been PMSing for weeks now and my stupid period hasn’t started yet. I was getting snappy and rude with Wellesley, my cravings are all over the place, I’m breaking out, and I’m just all around irritable. We bought a pregnancy test and it said negative, so I’m probably due for one doozy of a period. 

It feels good to be starting over. I need to try to not rely on masking around new people at work so much. It’ll be easier now that Lucas is going to be back. Covid can’t keep us all down no siree.

I’m honestly really thankful for Lucas. He told me about the job and I know that once we work together we’re gonna be an unstoppable force of ridiculousness. It’ll be great to spend time with him, even if it is at work. I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over. I miss seeing my friends.

[tanglesandcrystals]

1/18/22

outfit: jeans, tank top, green hoodie shirt

mood: content

daily card: spontaneous spread - I am at the beginning of my new journey. I should view life as a clean slate and move forward and harness my own energy to pull myself forward to my final form.

1: The Fool - freedom & new beginnings

2: Two of Wands - progress, decisions, new season of growth

3: The Chariot - tenacity, willpower, discipline

4: Queen of Wands - confident, courageous, optimistic

prayer: God, grant me the courage of mind, body, and spirit to make the changes that are before me. Grant me the energy to make actionable change in myself and in my life. Grant me to strength to be the best version of myself. Saint Hildegard, I pray for your intercession: allow me to show my faith in God by developing myself. I know They created me and it is my responsibility to honor that creation. In Christ's name I pray, Amen.

manifestation: I evolve into my best self

[tanglesandcrystals]

1/13/2022

outfit: jeans, long sleeved black v neck

mood: optimistic, almost happy?

daily card: two of pentacles - balance, time management, organization - I was beginning to feel overwhelmed. It's important to have downtime to take care of myself

prayer: psalms 57:1 - Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me! For my soul trusts in You; And in the shadow of Your wings I will make my refuge, Until these calamities have passed by.

manifestation: we evolve into our final forms

[tanglesandcrystals]

Last night was a lot of fun! Working on the assembly line is like playing legos for adults. It was a little nerve wracking but once I got the hang of the station I learned it went by pretty quickly. The people I met were all nice, I got along with Lindsay okay, and because it was my first day I got to leave at 6:30. Tonight is my first full shift and I am ready. The person who trained me said I would likely be on the same station again tonight, which would be great. I think I’ll be able to do it no problem. 

This morning the routine was a little off. Wellesley needed to run a few errands and we got up and got ready and did them right away, so I didn’t have my coffee and contemplation hour like we usually have. It wasn’t too bad, because we’re home now. We both have to be at work at 3 but that’s not too bad.

Over the last few weeks, because Wellesley’s been unemployed, I haven’t had any alone time. I’m feeling myself getting stressed as a result of it. Little things are starting to get on my nerves. We’ve spent the last two months, basically, around each other 24/7. My only alone time is when I’m driving or when I’m at work, so neither of those are particularly rejuvenating. Plus, Wellesley has this sort of hurry-up-let’s-go tension about him sometimes and that stresses me out if I don’t have enough downtime. 

I understand that this is my need for decompression, but there’s a piece of me that’s bummed that there’s any part of me that wants, even for my mental health, time away from my man.

Wellesley and I are going to be together forever. We’re going to get married and go on adventures and do things together always. Me wanting the occasional hour to myself is not a sign of me losing interest in my boyfriend - it’s a sign of me needing to take care of myself.

One of the hardest parts about adulthood is recognizing my own needs and prioritizing them. Wellesley won’t be offended if I tell him I need to go hide for a bit. He’s always been the person who reminds me to take care of myself. He doesn’t take my moods or my needs personally. I need to stop assuming he’s going to behave like the previous people in my life. It’s unbelievable that so far along into our relationship (we’ve been together for SIX YEARS) and I still worry about him mistreating me. It really goes to show how deep my trauma and pain have gone. Not to mention the fact that he’s improved by leaps and bounds over the last few years. He’s more mature, more responsible, more compassionate. He still has a stubborn streak, but we all have flaws. 

I always attract the stubborn ones. The proud ones. I wonder what that says about me?

I already feel better. A few minutes by myself with some noise-cancelling headphones and my own music and my own thoughts was all I needed :)