tan-po

[tan-po]

搬到新家需要网购大量生活用品以及食物，三天来我整日痴迷于其中无法自拔。商家诱人而充满热情和浓烈情感的宣传图片仿佛一群人在朝我呐喊，欢迎我，迎接我。大量的订单被下达，待发货和已发货里庞大的数字勾起我蓬勃的期待。我感到迫不及待，甚至觉得等待得有些厌烦了。等所有货���全部到达也许陆续需要一个星期的时间。可当我退出购物软件后，感到无比的孤独，我看着软件，心中充满一种对那些宣传广告里带着的浓烈情感的回应的渴望。我才意识到，也许等我所有网购的货物都到达后，我也许反而会怅然若失。

我是多么渴望一颗与我的心同样炙热的心脏。

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I'm fascinated by the abstract mind and our ill-fated attempt in sorting it out.

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[tan-po]

Loneliness is like a blade splitting my body in two halves,so that Im able to see my heart beating violently and bitterly in one of them

[tan-po]

Suddenly I remembered my class teacher in elementary school, a language teacher. Every time he gave me high marks for my essays, and when he saw me eating snacks in class he only gently patted me on the head with his text book. You need to know that in my hometown, teachers are allowed to beat disobedient students. It was particularly frightening when he beat other students, but he turned a blind eye to me whenever I misbehaved, perhaps because I was always at the top of the class in Chinese, and not only Chinese hh. I remember the last Children's Day, our class needed to perform a chorus on stage. I was tall and was originally placed in the back row, but ten minutes before going onto the stage, I whispered that I wanted to be in the first row. A girl heard it and told the class teacher, then he didn't say anything and put me in the first row almost secretly, not to make it obvious to everyone that he was spoiling me. I never thought much about these things at the time, as I was only around 10, but now I recall and feel very warm and fuzzy realizing that I was being pampered like that. Now more than ten years have passed, and I have not had any contact with that teacher since the day I graduated from elementary school. I wonder how he is doing now, and I wonder if he would be proud of me if he heard the news that I'm studying abroad, or if he still remembers me at all. I wish I will have the opportunity to visit him one day with my beloved friends.

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突然想起我小学时候的班主任，是一个语文老师。每次他都给我的作文打很高的分数，上课看到我吃零食只轻轻地用书拍我的头。要知道，在我的家乡，老师是被允许打不听话的学生的。他打不听话的学生的时候特别令人害怕，但他却对我睁一只眼闭一只眼，也许因为我的语文成绩一直都在班里名列前茅。记得最后一次儿童节，我们全班需要上台表演合唱。我个子高，原本被安排在后排，可上台前十分钟时我小声说我希望能在第一排。一个女生听到了，就向班主任说了出来，于是他就什么也没说，不动声色地把我排到第一排。当时对这些事情我从来没有多想过，可现在回忆起来，意识到自己当时被那样宠爱着，觉得非常温馨。现在十多年过去了，自从小学毕业那天我和老师就再没任何联系，不知道他现在怎么样了，不知道如果他听到我出国留学的消息是否会为我感到骄傲，或者他是否还记得我。

[tan-po]

The warmth and love that StardewValley brings to me evokes hope and very painful longing in my heart.

Trembling smile at the corners of my mouth, bitter tears in my eyes, reflecting the melodious melancholy in the background music.

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[tan-po]

Had a very desperate dream. Dreamed of my father being the father of another little girl. He couldn't recognize me. And he wanted to just have sex with me cheating on my mother. I didn't want it, of course, but I obeyed him, like in all the sexual dreams about my father, it was always involuntary sex with him. I haven't really figured out why it is like that.

[tan-po]

I started reading a book that began to take root deep in my soul.

[tan-po]

I started reading a book that began to take root deep in my soul.

[tan-po]

I spent most of the day for three days playing the computer game as if it were a full-time job of mine. The game required me to make everything on my own, cutting down trees, rocks and grass that blocked the path. Each obstacle required a specific tool to remove. I always went around to avoid them because it was so troublesome to take the time to choose a specific tool to clean a specific obstacle, but sometimes I had to remove them. Every time I encountered an obstacle, I had to repeat the same, troublesome and unavoidable steps. Even though I tried to avoid them as much as possible, I got frustrated every time I encounter them and see them cluttering up my path. I had the idea of wishing they could be 100% neatly arranged on the sides of the path without blocking my way at all. It's not impossible, but it would take me a lot of work. I play this game every time until I want to throw up. My eyes are constantly wandering on the fancy game interface on the computer screen 40 cm away from my face for 5 to 8 hours a day. Today was the third day in my life of playing this game, or any computer game for this long in one day. Just right now I stopped playing at the point where I wanted to throw up. I sat in the chair and gradually returned to the real life, or gradually allowed the problems in real life to return to my conscious. I stood up, motionless, and felt that my life was filled with obstacles that were exactly the same as in the game, obstacles that were in my way and that surprised me by making me feel exactly the same as those in the game, no differently: they made me extremely frustrated and angry and helpless every time I sensed them. And they were just as ubiquitous as in the game. I felt extremely angry and sad. Nothing is going well, nothing is satisfying to me. I feel like I'm full of complaints that can spew out at any moment. If there was a whining contest, then I would have won with ten hours of non-stop whining. I look around and I can complain about everything from food and my accommodation to my terrible relationships with people (almost none), my difficult struggling towards the future, even my phone, even the input software I'm using as I'm typing these words. It's as if everything in my life is full of problems and obstacles, and at the same time boring as hell. I'm so furious and so upset. And fuck this fucking translator that doesn't translate my writing accurate enough as it's supposed to. Fuck it all. Fuck that guy for not wanting to use whatsapp to call me only because he uses it for work. What's wrong with using it to call me while using it for work at the same time??? Are you rigid like that??

Fuck that old 58 year old simp that thinks about dating me all day Excuse?!?!!!?!?!!! me?!!??!?!!! How can someone lack self-awareness to such an incredible extent? What a world. Eww.

And fucking disgusting filters on the windows of the hotel room that filters ALL the sunshine during the day and I'm to be quarantined in this same fucking room for another two weeks. Fuck this ridiculous country that takes covid so unnecessarily seriously.

Fuck my face. Ugly eyes fucking small Iris. Ugly as hell. Fucking hair fucking shape of my head that makes me look blad from the front while I have enough hair. Fuck my skin full of little holes. Fuck my rib cage fucking ugly big. Even wider than my chest. What an ugly big ribcage. Why the fuck are they so big. Fucking people no one qualifies to be my friend. Why is everyone on tinder so disappointing. Fuckers. Don't fucking read. Fucking disgusting. Fuck it all.

三天来我每天花大部分时间玩电脑游戏，仿佛是把它当成一份全职工作一般。游戏需要我动手制作一切，砍伐阻挡道路的树木，石头和草。每种障碍需要用特定的工具才能清除。为了避免麻烦我总是绕道走，有时却不得不动手清除它们。每次遇到障碍都需要重复相同的，麻烦而不可避免的步骤。哪怕每次我尽可能地避免那些障碍，但是每次遇到它们，看它们杂乱无章地阻挡在我的必���之路上都让我心烦意乱。我冒出一种希望它们可以百分百整整齐齐地排列在一边一点也不会阻挡我任何道路的想法。这并非不可行，只不过需要我花大量的时间。我每次玩这个游戏都玩到我想吐为止。我的眼睛每天在40厘米远的电脑屏幕上花里胡哨的游戏界面上不断地游荡5到8个小时。今天是我这辈子这么狂玩这个游戏，或者任何电脑游戏的第三天，我刚刚在想吐的节点停止了游戏。我在椅子上坐着，渐渐回到我的现实生活中，或者说渐渐地让现实中的困难回归我的意识。我站起来，一动不动，感到生活中充满了和游戏中一模一样地，挡在我必经之路上的障碍，它们给我的感觉令我惊讶地和游戏中那些障碍带给我的感受完全一模一样，毫无差别：每次碰到它们都让我极其沮丧和愤怒，同时无助。而它们同样和游戏中一样，无处不在。我感到极其愤怒和悲伤。没有一件事是顺利的，没有一件事情令我感到满意。我感到我充满了随时都能喷射而出的抱怨。如果有一个抱怨大赛，那么我一定能以抱怨十小时不停的成绩获得冠军。我环顾四周，我可以从食物、住所抱怨到我糟糕至顶的人际关系、关于未来的计划的不顺利，甚至我的手机，甚至我站在打字正在使用的输入法软件。我的生活里仿佛事无巨细一切的一切都充满了困难和阻碍，同时无聊透顶。我感到无比愤怒，无比悲伤。

[tan-po]

Literature is as important as the water vapor in every breath.

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[tan-po]

You are like the warm and blazing wind of black in the dark late night.

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