talonlv

[talonlv]

We meet again.

I'm gone. I cease to exist. I never did.

The being that does is a fraction of the man that I was.

[talonlv]

I’d be done with me too.

[talonlv]

Make a wish, baby

[talonlv]

Fuc. I want tio call her. dont let me do it.

[talonlv]

I've run out of words. I've finally gotten myself to the point of exhaustion. I keep hoping that something more will come to me. If I can just get it out and write it down then maybe, just maybe I will find some relief.

I'm not going to find resolve.

Why is my mind so cruel to me to have me believe it's possible.

[talonlv]

11:11 of course. *sighs*

[talonlv]

Mindful Idiot

Starting to crash. My brain could prolly use a break. I'm not sure why I'm so content with torturing myself. I'm wanting to be mindful of my decisions, even if they are bad ones.

At least I can try to be a mindful idiot.

[talonlv]

When you try your best, but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something, you can't replace

When you love someone, but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try, you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face

When you lose something, you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face and I

Tears stream down your face

I promise you, I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face and I

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Mood. 💔

[talonlv]

So...I called into work *laughs*

This is where it alllll starts, huh? Or maybe I should say where it all ends..Where everything goes to shit. Lol

*shrugs* oh w...fuckk.

I just did a typo and it autocorrected to “oh em”

Fuck. Fuck fuckk fuck. Literally nothing. Nothing I do is going to be easy and everything is going to make me think of you..

To name a few; eating dinner - and wanting to do it with you. Looking at the clock at 11:11..that one really sucked. What else..ohh, walking into my room past my crystal. Yea..that one made me cry. I didn’t shower yesterday because ..somehow it made me think of you..

What the hell am I supposed to do? I fucking look at my window shades, and I fucking think of YOU

I can’t watch Netflix. I can’t order takeout..GOD, I can’t even stand to listen to Marley purr. I know how you liked that. Drinking my seltzer..

It’s like everything I’ve done, while being with you, is no longer acceptable. Nothing that brings me comfort and joy is allowed..well, except for that one thing..

God. This is so unfair.

It makes me want to freak out!

Ha I remember this feeling now that I keep experiencing it. The overwhelming calm of the 💊, but also my inability to rationalize and the uncontrolled random urge to hit things.

I know I’ll barely feel it..which will make me angry. Sometimes you need that physical pain to escape the emotional pain, right? It’s fucked up but it’s true..

You know what I’m concerned about..sort of.

The aggression.

I forgot about the aggression and the aggravation.

Yea..I’m gonna have to keep that in check. It’ll be the first thing my dad noticed, and I don’t want him catching on to shit. Not cause he cares anything about it or if I use.. But his fucking big mouth will tell T..

We can’t have that can we? This whole thing..It’s our little secret.

Until it’s not. It becomes fairly obvious fairly quickly if I start to use too much..which I know I’m not right now. I’m not taking nearly enough. Not even close.

You wanna know how I know?

I still feel it all. All the pain. The nausea, the dread, the anxiety..the complete and total heartache.

I don’t know if it’s from typing on the screen, or just being real with myself and expressing my feelings..but I do find all of this helpful. In a very minute sort of way.

I’m hoping maybe that will help keep me from spiraling out of control.

I haven’t slept yet and I just took my adderall, so I probably won’t be sleeping *sighs* this is going to be the longest day of my life. 11:11am will come, and I’ll think of you. I’ll think about when you’re starting work and when 1:20pm hits I’ll think of how the end has come. 4:29 will remind me of my final bye..and each second and minute and hour between I’ll still think of you..

Because that’s what I do..

I am SO co-dependent on you, I have fucked myself.

It’s not your fault. I don’t want to blame you. But loving you THIS much, makes me find hate in my heart for you. That makes me cry. I don’t like that I feel that. That needs to go away.

Here’s to another —

Enough for now.

Signing off.

T.

[talonlv]

I made the decision. For right now, it was the right one for me and the worst one I could have possibly made. I opened up a black hole into my soul and I’m going to let it take me, alive...

what’s the alternative?

The problem?

I’m the only one that knows. Well, and you. But what are you going to do about it? Huh? Whoever you are..

Side note/current mindset. Every notification I get KILLS me. I want it to be you.

But it won’t be.

Shutting it off now. The feelings, not my iPod. That would be too simple. Plus how would I update you?

[talonlv]

Who Can Relate?

I’ve been on the low

I been taking my time

I feel like I'm out of my mind

It feel like my life ain't mine

Who can relate?

I've been on the low

I been taking my time

I feel like I'm out of my mind

It feel like my life ain't mine

I don't wanna be alive

I don't wanna be alive

I just wanna die today

I just wanna die

I don't wanna be alive

I don't wanna be alive

I just wanna die

And let me tell you why

[talonlv]

The first 12 hours. The longest hours of the rest of my life.

Why am I here? Probably because I have no one to talk to, so I might as well talk to you. Whoever you are. Whoever cares to listen..

I’m broken. And not the fixable kind, either where the pieces will puzzle back together with a little bit of hard work and some glue. I’ve shattered, and pieces of me have been lost. Some have crumbled to dust and will never be recovered.

I’ve lost my will to exist. Thinking much past the pain I’m in now makes the pain even more unbearable. Knowing it’s gone, but realizing what that means are two separate things.

I’ve lost the love of my life, and i need to stop thinking about it.

I won’t see her face when she wakes up.

I won’t know what she had for lunch that day.

How work went.

What shes stressed about, what made her laugh, or cry. I won’t know anything anymore.

I lost the right to that. I lost my person and my best friend.

I don’t want to live like this.

There is no point in my continuing to write right now. I’m only going to make myself cry more. Make myself sick. It feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

To sum it all up; I’m lost. All I want to do is numb the pain.

How else could I possibly handle losing 15 years of love and friendship along with a lifelong friendship.

I’ll be alone forever and I’m accepting that now. But at least I won’t feel alone. I won’t feel much of anything.

Here’s to no return.

TLV.