talkaboutthepassion

[talkaboutthepassion]

Depression

It sure took some time for me to notice...

But, it's a simple question. When is the last time I did something meaningful for myself?

It's been months. In fact, I stopped paying attention to things that usually make me happy. I just go home and lay down. I don't want to do anything.

I guess it says a lot that two people close to me are worried and even the kids have asked some more interesting questions lately.

It annoys me when people say I deserve someone special in my life and list the endless things along with it all, yet I don't have any of that in my life.

I'm not bitter about it, it would be nice. I want all those things too. I think I can earn it. No one deserves anything unearned.

My problem is... I keep thinking about the same fucking person I want those things with.

It's been fucking gnawing at me a lot harder lately.

I don't like to talk about it. Not because I can't...

...I just don't think there's much left for me to say.

It just gets sadder, darker, self-destructive, repetitive, I don't even care if it fucks me up, in fact if it does, I hope it fucking kills me because I still might be crazy enough to hang on to something.

It ultimately, doesn't matter, but I am the one who is fucking stuck here...

I can't find my way out.

That's what makes this so upsetting. That even if you asked me what I want most... it's not even about me. It's I'd like to do something for you.

All I can say is... I am adamant that I wasn't wrong about you. It's why I still believe in you. It's why I still love you. It's why I still care...

...even if it's in someone else's sky.

[talkaboutthepassion]

Sigh...

I got asked what I want a year ago. I didn't have an answer.

It's been a year, I'm so unhappy. I've worked on so much about myself and I am still unhappy.

I hate a long of things right now that are making me angry. I've given so much, I don't care about the recognition I just am not happy anymore. I want to leave.

I don't want to let the people I've connected with down. They've done so much for me. They all spend their breaks with me and it's one of my favorite things, they're comfortable because they know I care or I'll listen to them.

So, if I leave, I lose that, but I don't know what is next for me. I don't have a lot of options.

My friends are worried, very worried. Everyone has ideas for me on what is next and what I can do or am capable of its not that I can't do it.

It's what the fuck do I want. What do I really want for myself?

And all I could think of is...

I just want to cook for someone I love.

Like, someone I care about whole heartedly. I don't care where I am or what I am doing. I know what I feel when I cook for someone I care about, but I know what I miss about cooking for someone I fucking love.

I haven't done that in a long time, but that is all I really want. I want the blend of things I want to be good and things I know I am good at on plate to give to the woman I love.

...and I can't.

[talkaboutthepassion]

Burning Bridges

I feel like I've been here before... it's been a long time, just like the last time when everything made me mad. I was miserable.

I'm not happy. In fact, I am angry. I have a death wish.

I don't drink as heavily as I did the first time, but the uptick in alcohol is there. I'm not happy. I don't drink alone, but if I am with someone I'll gun it.

I'm doing drugs now too. I'm escaping any chance I get.

It's just a mix of me being on three different things. My chemical imbalance is insane. I'm self-destructive again.

I am leaning into my demons more and more and more.

I don't know where I'll be in February... I've burnt bridges before. I've blown them up while I am on them.

Everything might as well be gas because I am burning!

[talkaboutthepassion]

Fight Fire With Fire

I still remember you told me you cursed me, so I can feel everything you felt. I don't believe in this stuff, but here I am still unrecovered...

I'm fighting against something, but no matter how hard i fight, it still feels inevitable.

I thrive in chaos, I love crazy, I like the game, but I want the fucking torture! My demons are getting stronger because she's feeding them perfectly.

If it happens... I know I'll survive.

The costs... losing my job, losing respect, losing the kids, disappointing the people who care about me.

More importantly, I feel like I'd regress on everything I worked so hard on. I'd also be the guy, I never wanted to ever be... and theres no turning back on that after it happened.

I don't know what I am doing... I don't know what will happen...

I just want to feel something again, but I don't know...

...I've thought of everything. It's a way out, but like all the other ways out I can find... It's self-destructive.

[talkaboutthepassion]

I love you...

I miss you...

I'm proud of you.

[talkaboutthepassion]

Questions With No Answers

Did I really get any better or have I just come to terms with being permanently broken?

Okay, I admit it. I like crazy and she's pushing all right buttons. It's like she knows exactly what she's doing... All I see when I look into her eyes is self-destruction... Am I really going to risk everything and do this all over again?

I am getting there... slowly, but surely. I guess, I will be very surprised if I make it at all. Will I be comfortable or at peace? I've only known chaos.

A long, long time ago... a thought came to my mind. "This is it. This is the woman you will marry or this will be the last time you'll ever be in a relationship." I can't tell where I am anymore... Am I still hoping against all odds or did I finally accept defeat, to protect others from myself?

I don't want to disappoint the few people I care about. I know it be a shock, but I can't help but think... Are they the only reason I am still alive?

I know what I am missing. I love what I have... So why am I still so discontent?

[talkaboutthepassion]

Chaotic

Every once in a while... I feel it... I find something or see something very tempting.

It's tempting, very fucking tempting! I shouldn't do it... but she's been hinting and flirting. And she's definetly crazy.

My history tells me it's only a matter of time... I've been in hell before and sometimes... I fully embrace all my demons.

She already took a bite. Now, I want more.

I don't mind the torture, but I want to finish it!

[talkaboutthepassion]

Fear

I honestly, don't think I've ever been this scared in my life. I don't know what's next. I don't know where I'll be.

Things are falling apart around me. The pressure constantly builds.

I hate when people tell me I am good under pressure!

It takes a toll. It wears me down. I'll be dead sooner.

I'm already tired. I don't have much fight left in me...

I already lost what I want.

So, what does it matter anymore...

[talkaboutthepassion]

Daughter Part #203

I can't believe it's my third annual review with her already...

The first time, I had no clue what who'd take over the team, but I wanted to make sure I gave a fair pay bump for all the times she stepped up for me.

The second time, she became my team trainer. I was so happy to see her move up. Again, she's done a lot for me.

Another year already... this one felt different. I got sad about it later.

I guess, I started to think about what if this is my last one with her?

We've been laughing and talking about some things that seem like they were so long ago, but it really wasn't. It's been feeling nostalgic.

But what stuck with me was when I told her "I appreciate you and everything you've done for me. I wouldn't be in my role without you."

That silent pause lingered when my voice cracked and she responded with a soft spoken "Yeah- of course."

I guess it didn't help when I checked in with my boss and he mentioned a 5 year plan to leave the company and said mine is to takeover.

I think he was joking. I don't really know.

I guess, I just picture that in 5 years, if for some reason, I am still there... One day I'll look around and I won't recognize anyone anymore.

[talkaboutthepassion]

Song Lyrics #238

Sometimes a lyric evokes a feeling, more often than not, that feeling relates to you...

This one is different... This one hurt...

This one is us... whenever you broke or I broke... I can see the lyrics being the unspoken words in our minds.

"You're kind, but I am not. It seems that I forgot how to care about anything but my own despair."

[talkaboutthepassion]

8AM - 10PM

All I do is work...

Yet, I found time to be there for others who are going through it...

And I told all four of them the same thing when my day was finally over "I love you, I care about you, I don't have much time, but I'll always make the time if you need it."

I'm so tired... I don't have much time left...

[talkaboutthepassion]

Anomaly

...at no point in my year did I have threesome on my list...

...I don't know what to make of this...

[talkaboutthepassion]

I Wish...

...I could see you.

...You were in front of me.

...You were holding me, so I can feel it all melt away.

[talkaboutthepassion]

Self-Destruct

I don't have a lot of time left.

In the thicket of my darkness, I woke up, broken, soulless, hurt, angry, and hoping I wouldn't wake up again.

I've done so much for myself! I even stopped and got others out.

I'm in the thicket again.

I woke up. But the only way out I can see... is the one that ensures I will never return.

It's not dark yet. I'm not there.

[talkaboutthepassion]

Empathy

What does it mean when two kids who you've only spent a handful of times with still ask their mom about when I'll show up again?

Or when their mom is drunk and calls you to beg to make time for them because they ask about me, respect me and connect with me.

Like me, they've begun to claim their dad is dead. I know that feeling.

I've said in the past, I've never wanted to have kids. I fell in love with someone (you), I still can't believe my mind changed.

After I first met them... I knew. I can do this.

When I did see them, I gave them all the energy I had. Even after a 12.5 hour shift, the bond itself kept our energy levels up.

It still stings when I had to look Millie in the eyes and disappoint her after she asked me to go to her ballet recital. Or when I told C.C. I couldn't make it to his graduation.

Maybe that's why they still ask about me, maybe that's why they really want to see me, maybe they noticed I picked up on their traits very quickly and maybe they enjoyed what a silly person I really am.

The sad part... I don't have a lot of spare time. I can't fix their mom's alcoholism. I can't be there for C.C. I can't be there for Millie.

Each of them represent a struggle I've experienced. I didn't have a dad. My own mom raised me by herself.

I'm not religious, but why do I feel like I am being shown what I could've had?

Why do I feel like they're kind of meant to remind me to punish myself for fucking it all up?

Why do I have to have dreams where you are my wife, where we have two kids, where we have a home, only to wake up and lose it all?

Why does something amongst every road I cross somehow lead right back to you?

I am restless.

[talkaboutthepassion]

When Did I Know

I have spent a long time wondering the answer to this question, but I haven't figured it out.

I looked deep into the archives of my memory, chat history, etc.

I legit remember the first time I noticed your thighs, but that wasn't it.

I remember when I met you, but that definetly wasn't it.

I remember the first time you came over, but that wasn't it either...

I remember you laid on top of me... I didn't stop you, but I didn't believe anything either...

I remember when I first kissed you... but that was a moment to late...

I can't pinpoint it and it bugs me.

When did I know?

When did I know I want you? Help me! No really, I don't know what that moment was...

[talkaboutthepassion]

Memories

Sometimes I imagine us having long conversations. Sometimes we talk about the past. It tends to help me sort through my feelings.

I remember a lot. Small moments, rough moments, sad moments, lonely moments, vengeful thoughts...

But no matter what, you're always right. Even if you're wrong, it's only because I clearly didn't do enough to show you.

I get upset at myself because I didn't show you enough. I get upset because I want you to believe me when I say "I always cared about you!"

I remember a lot, but...

...I refuse to let my memories of you disappear.