talesofwoe

[talesofwoe]

Just facetimed the boyfriend and then almost started crying as soon as we stopped talking. Great....

[talesofwoe]

Boyfriends.

My boyfriend and I recently moved to different universities, and we decided not to break up and to try and stick it out for university or at least y'know try for as long as we can.

Now, as you know I'm kind of having a weird time at uni at the moment, and that is probably why this text post exists. I'm sure if I was having a better time I would have no qualms.

So now I am going to bore you again with my mundane problems so yeah feel free to read.

Since going to university, my boyfriend is having a really good time as far as i know, which is amazing and I'm so glad, but it just seems like he doesn't have much time for me. I mean, we've never been a big 'talk on the phone for hours' kind of couple, we tend to text quite a bit and then see each other as much as possible, but obviously since moving to uni the seeing each other thing is a lot harder than it used to be.

Now I don't only have a problem with the not seeing each other thing (which I will go into more detail about in a bit), but also just the amount we speak.

I think I've spoken to him once on the phone for about 10 minutes since we moved.

Apart from that its just been texts here and there. And like thats fine apart from the fact that I want to talk to him more. I feel like I am always texting him first (I know thats petty but still), and whenever I ask him to call me he's always busy (i know he's not lying about being busy but it's just frustrating). Again, this is where I compare my experience at uni to my friends, as he's always going out or having a movie night with his flat or something when I'm just sat in my room watching tv.

I dunno I'm probably being silly but I can't help it, I miss him a ridiculous amount. 

For example, every time I am vaguely drunk I end up texting him, I cried at a music video the other day (I'm not the crying type, I've cried more in this past month than I have in the past 3+ years) because it was, i guess, 'our song'. 

We were meant to see each other next weekend, I was going to go visit him in Nottingham, and I was sososo excited. But a few days ago, when I said I was going to book my train tickets and asking him what time I should get there, he responded saying he'd forgotten but he'd booked himself on a windsurfing course for £50 for all of Saturday. (I know this all sounds like he's trying to avoid me or something, I think thats just how I'm explaining it, but it honestly isn't like that). 

Anyway, I got this text saying that he couldn't do next weekend in the middle of university when I was doing some homework with my friends from my course, and I had to fight back tears. I almost had to go to the toilet just so noone would see me cry. And whenever I got another text responding of him apologising or anything it just made me want to cry all over again - it was ridiculous. I'm an emotional wreck, which is just so weird to me because I'm normally a very level person, generally quite content with things, not particularly sensitive, very reasonable etc. etc. 

So now we've said we will see each other the weekend afterwards but I am so worried he is going to cancel on me. I'm worried to even bring it up again for fear of him saying he can't do it. I just really need to see him. Really, really badly. It's making me so upset. I feel like at some point I'm just going to start crying in front of everyone at uni which is not good. I don't do crying in front of people. I mean, I didn't even do crying  until recently apparently. I think I might even burst into tears when I do see him, and even that will be so weird, like I've cried in front of him once before (him being one of the few people I have cried in front of) but not over him.

I dunno.

Like, I dunno, I've never told him I love him. Because the whole thought of that just scares me so much. I would say it back to him if he said it to me, but I know he won't say it to me (for reasons I won't go into, but I know he's waiting for me to say it first and hopefully he'd say it back, but I have to say it first). I've tried so many times, but I'm just so terrified that he won't say it back. I promised myself I'd tell him before uni but never did, so now I am making myself do it next time I see him (I don't see how I can't seeing as its all I think about and I miss him wayway too much).

I don't know.

My mum's coming up this weekend so hopefully that will make me feel better. Things have just been weird and I miss him, and I miss everyone but I can't see anyone and it just makes me sad.

[talesofwoe]

Life.

So, just to give you some background, I recently started university this year studying Maths and have been here for just over 2 weeks. Ok so now that's done we can start...

Before I came to uni, I'd been overly excited for it for at least 2 years mainly because of it being a new experience with lots of opportunities and independence. In hindsight, I think I put too much pressure on university and what it would be like, my expectations were too high and now that I'm here it's not fully living up to them.

I like it here and yes I am enjoying myself, but I can't help but compare myself to my friends from home and see that they are having a much better time (in terms of friendships). I think part of the problem is that towards the end of sixth form I had the best group of friends who I was (and still am) so comfortable with and it was amazing. We went away together for 3 weeks travelling around Europe and would just turn up at each others doorsteps for a McDonald's run or just to hang out. I'm so used to having that now.

My best friend and I have been friends for a good 5 years or so and I can talk to her about anything, but it took me a year or 2 to even get to that point, and I've never really been that open with many other people (I'm getting better but still). So it's weird being in a completely new environment in a situation where you are most likely to need someone like that and I don't really (she's still there but she works literally ALL the time and is quite unreliable so I barely get to speak to her).

Don't get me wrong, I've made quite a few friends here, but I don't feel comfortable talking to any of them about my personal life and so I just act like I'm completely fine when I dunno, I'm not completely fine. I'm making as many friends as possible and meeting as many people as possible through my course and multiple societies I am now involved in, but I still haven't found anyone that I feel particularly close to...

I mean, maybe I'm expecting too much, but it seems like everyone else is much closer to each other than I am. Like right now, I can hear the flat above me singing and jumping around. Whenever I go on facebook I see pictures of my school friends having an amazing time, and them raving about it when I talk to them. I just feel like there's a big party and I haven't been invited if that makes sense?

I dunno, I'm just a bit sad. I've got a lot of distractions but alas whenever I'm alone I just feel a bit sad. 

It all started a bit before uni, when I realised that I'd actually have to be leaving all my friends and family. I started getting upset from about a month before I came here, crying a lot and just being a bit sad whenever I'm alone. (but of course I am a master of hiding this in front of everyone else even though I kind of want someone to notice).

But yeah. I dunno. I think I'll leave it at that for this post. There will be another straight after but oh well.