talesfromaclosetlesbian-blog

[talesfromaclosetlesbian-blog]

I’m back and feeling worse than ever

TW: Homophobia, Homophobic slurs, Depression

Hey, everyone. It’s been quiet at our household for a while because my Uncle recently got a COVID scare. We all got worried about him as he also has 2 small boys at home, but turns out, it was a false alarm and everyone is safe.  I haven’t updated this page in a while just because it felt wrong to do so. But now, I just really need to vent because, as the title suggests, I am feeling worse than ever. A short background on me: I was diagnosed with clinical depression in 2014 and I’ve been on and off medication ever since then. My condition gradually got better over the years, or so I thought. I’ve been feeling worse and like I can’t handle the severity of the words being thrown at me everyday. I’ve just started my first year of college and have already been asked by a classmate out of nowhere whether I liked to top or bottom. We had never spoken before and I haven’t revealed my sexuality to any of them yet, so you can imagine the shock I got from that question.  At home is worse, these people I know and see everyday. These people raised me and stood alongside the changes I grew through. The words kadire (disgusting) and immoral constantly thrown around during lunch and dinner by people who sit next to me. I find myself choosing not to eat with them just so I can spare myself the pain that I’d feel hearing those words.  Today, a Filipino derogatory slur for gay was used by my grandma to describe our nice neighbor and his husband. She even went on to say di lang COVID makukuha mo sakanila (COVID isn’t the only infection you could catch from them). I’m sorry to every hurting member of the LGBTQIA+ community because I was too scared to defend you. So I just left the table to find comfort in the corner of my room. I thank everything in this universe that I have my younger sister. She went up after me to console me. We know they wouldn’t change. Their minds to narrow to fit even the slightest thought that huh, maybe gay people aren’t so bad or being gay isn’t what makes a person bad. 

I’m tired and hurting but I know I’m not hurting alone. Give me a chat if you ever need someone to talk to and I’ll listen. You don’t have to be scared to defend yourself to me. 

[talesfromaclosetlesbian-blog]

Nightmare - 07192020

TW: Extreme Homophobia

I had a nightmare. The kind that shook me in my sleep and soaked my pillow with tears, I awoke with a feeling of panic and fear that it was real.

Here’s what I remember from my dream: I was a college freshman. I had a classmate who reported em to a teacher and started to harass me because they found out I was gay. I remember being humiliated in class while the teacher shouted hurtful words at me; wala kang maaabot sa buhay (You won’t get anywhere in life.), sayang ka sa tuition (You’re wasting tuition money.), nakakahiya ka (You’re embarassing). Their hate for me got so bad that the teacher tried to strangle me somehow --I am as shocked as you are -- and the two harassers were reported to the school. A meeting was arranged with me and my parents, the student and her parents, and the teacher. Ultimately nothing was resolved because the refused to apologize and my cries for help fell dead on my parents’ ears. We got home and ate dinner and I exploded. Good for Andrea in my dream for saying the things she has always wanted to say, Bad for Andrea because she realized the adults in the family agreed with everything the teacher and the student told me. What’s worse about this dream is the things that the harassers said to me are things I’ve heard before. And they came out of my family members’ mouths.” I hate my brain for conjuring up a dream like this. Using my family members’ words against me like hearing them before wasn’t enough. I hate my brain for punishing me for being the way I am. I love how I am and who I am. Right?

[talesfromaclosetlesbian-blog]

Introducing Me!

TW: Homophobia

Hello, my name is Andrea! I am a 17 year old closeted lesbian in the Philippines. For those of you who may not know, we have been in quarantine for a little over 4 months now and I glad to be privileged enough to reside in the safety of our home away from the virus. I live with my Grandmother, Mom, Dad, two older brothers, one younger sister, and two puppies. It’s a fairly loaded household and most of us haven’t seen anyone for the last 4 months except ourselves. 

For some, this extended quarantine may be an avenue to strengthen the family bond or to finally make time to focus on one’s own mental health. But for me, a closeted lesbian in a traditional Christian Filipino family, it’s been a test. A test to see how long I can suffer under the indirect slurs, criticisms, and judgement of my family members while I remain under the same roof for an extended period of time.

And because I take solace in the LGBTQIA side of Tumblr where I met a lot of people who I can relate to more than the people who I share the same blood with, I’ve decided to share my experiences with you. Whether it is to educate or comfort you or so you can finally find someone you identify with, I’m here to tell you that you are not alone. 

We will get through this together.