talamars-garden

[talamars-garden]

I haven't been writing in my notebook. I've been writing in notebooks for decades. It's more private than online. I like writing in a notebook. I like using pen and paper. My thoughts flow in a different way and are more fluidly connected. Things tend to be a little more choppy when I use a keyboard. How you write matters. The tools effect how you express yourself. Like right now, my keyboard is influencing my word choices. It makes suggestions as I type. It spells my words for me. My keyboard favors American spellings. I often use British and phonetic spellings in my notebook. The words sound different when spelled that way. More like my true voice. I have a curious accent. Linguists love to listen to me talk. They say I have mixed regional influences from places I've never been to. My word choices are both archaic and creative/original/unusual. The last three seem to be interchangeable. It's interesting to watch them as they ask questions about my family, where I've been, what I read, and my education. I love words. They're my super power. I can create and destroy with them. I choose them carefully. Always aware of the potential consequences of even the most subtle shade of meaning. I've been known to scrap an entire page of writing and replace it with a couple of sentences (sometimes a single sentence) when ghostwriting. Just say what you need to say. Explanations cloud things up. Justifications make you feel insecure. Don't worry about what other people think. It's none of your business. If what people thought were important, we'd all be telepathic. You'll never know what they think. You can only know what they tell you they're thinking. Do you ever voice your exact thoughts? I don't. Most of my thoughts aren't worth repeating. Gut responses and petty opinions that I prefer to hide. What I like. What I don't like. Pretty trivial stuff. Personal opinions are always subject to change. I share what's important to me. You know what you need to know. I haven't been writing in my notebook.

[talamars-garden]

I have thoughts of death. My own death. But I'm not suicidal. I'm just ready to die. I've had enough. I've done everything that I've ever wanted to do. Even the out-in-the-stars stuff. I've been in a TV show. I've been on the evening news. As the story. As a witness. I made the front page of the Arts section. With a full photo spread. I've been in a successful movie by a famous director. I was a famous dancer. I am an expert on Rom culture. Recognized by the SCA. I am why members with "gypsy" personas can no longer register their gadja names. I know. That's none of their business. But the stereotypes they were allowing were violating their historical mission. It was the right thing to do.

I digress.

I am ready to die. I had a death experience. Not a near-death experience. I was dead. Legally. They called a priest. They were prepping me for the morgue. They were filling out the forms. Then I was alive. I had been exactly where I needed to be. In a safe, dark place wrapped in a comforter. I apologized to Jesus. He told me I did better than expected. He took me to God. Who held me in his arms. Comforted me. Then paused. Told me I forgot to do something. Then shoved me back into my body. Rather rudely. It was not pleasant. No instructions. No hints. Of course. Just left to sink or swim. Such is life.

I'm world-weary. I don't know what else to do. I've checked off everything on my bucket list. Except I want to go on a Pacific Cruise. I need to save for that. I should start. I've also started collecting Doctor Who DVDs. There's not much else I want to do. I want to be dead. But I am not suicidal. I don't want to kill myself. I'm just done with the whole thing. My mom will need someone to take care of her someday. I'd like to do that.

Maybe my life is in transition. I'm on vacation. Til the next thing comes along. Wow. That's never happened before. I've always been scrapping for food, shelter and clothing. And wanting health insurance. I have all that. Don't have to scrape. Just need to maintain. It's become a simple thing. No longer a struggle.

This is new. New is new. Things seem to have gone beyond food shelter and clothing. Interesting. What's beyond that? Never been there full time before. Curious.

Stories. I love stories. All kinds of stories. Life is a story. A life without a story is a string of meaningless experiences. Stories are as necessary as food shelter and clothing.

This is my story.

[talamars-garden]

LOST

I don't know what I'm doing here.  I am a very private person who usually gives out as little information as possible.  I journal a lot using pen and notebooks.  This seems like an online version of a journal.  I'm not sure I want to journal in such a public place.  I'm considering posting my poetry.  That would give me a chance to get the feel of using this space.  I've tried to blog before and haven't been able to make it a habit.  My notebooks are much more private and have an established track record of meeting my needs.  To keep up this type of project a need needs to be satisfied.  I need to know why I am here.