takemyusernamepls

[takemyusernamepls]

Haven’t been on this in years, but now I’m back so let’s see what happens I guess

[takemyusernamepls]

Since joining Tumblr, I’ve met a lot of young queer people. Look, I’m a bisexual man in a gay relationship, and I’m approaching 30. I was still a kid when Matthew Shepard’s story was being covered on the news. I remember thinking, “I better keep my mouth shut about these feelings I’m having.”

And then I met Dominic when I was 12, and people could see how in love we were. And we got the shit beat out of us. The year I met him, some kids in the grade above me held me down against the bleachers in our gym and stomped on my hand until my fingers broke. Instead of sending me to the nurse, the teacher sent me to the assistant principal to explain the situation. She asked why the kids had beat me up. I said, “They were calling me gay.”

Her response was, “Well, are you?”

My, “I don’t know,” earned a call to my parents, and I was outed. Efforts were made to keep me from seeing Dom. Throughout high school, Dom’s stepmother intensified these efforts. He slept in the basement of the house. Although he was an incredibly talented student, he was prohibited from participating in any extracurriculars. He suffered a lot of physical abuse during those years.

The day he turned 18, he packed up everything he had and walked to my house, and we’ve lived together ever since. Things are better, but they’re not perfect. I’ve had trucks pull up next to me at stoplights and, seeing the pride sticker on my car, through old drinks and garbage into my window. I no longer speak to my dad’s side of the family. I haven’t been to see them for Christmas or Thanksgiving in years. One of my uncles had cornered me at Thanksgiving when I was 17 and said, “I’m not going to judge you, but I’d be happy to break your neck so God can do the judging a little sooner.”

I joined a support group for trans and intersex people. When I joined, 40 people attended regularly. Within the year, the group was half the size it had been. Some couldn’t make it anymore, because they were staying at the shelter, where their stay hinged on them agreeing to instead to attend homophobic sermons. Some were put in correctional therapy. Five of them died. Three of those, I didn’t know, but I knew Alex, the 19 year old who was fag-dragged in Kentucky and died a day later in the hospital, and I knew Stephanie, who went home to Alabama to care for her mom in hospice and was beaten to death with a baseball bat by her mom’s boyfriend.

Tumblr is not reality. The dynamic here does not reflect the dynamic out there. Here’s the part where I finally make a point, and it might be extremely unpopular - but guys, value your allies. Value each other. We are met with enough hate in our daily lives to enter an online safe-space and meet more hate from our own, over petty things. Don’t go after one another over every little thing you find problematic.

Learn to see nuance. Maybe the word “queer” bothers you, and you see a gay man using it as an umbrella term. Maybe someone called a trans man a trans woman because they’re confused about terminology, but the post where they did it was voicing support for the trans community. Maybe someone is just asking a question, wanting to learn more. Stop. Attacking. These. People.

Allies are being driven away. Members of our own community are being ostracized. Others are feeling nervous and estranged, and it’s largely because of places like Tumblr, where the social justice movement is quickly becoming violent and radical. I am begging you, stop nitpicking “problematic” things and start directing your efforts to create real change. When it comes to comes to your allies, forget the “social justice warrior” mentality and put down your torch. Educate calmly. Be respectful. Be understanding. Be forgiving. And I’m certainly not saying that your anger doesn’t have a good place - when you are met with bigots on the street, congress members who want to pass hateful laws, violent protesters, abusive parents, prejudiced teachers, that is when you need to be a warrior. That’s when it counts. In the real world. When you have the opportunity to protect people from real harm. Attacking your would-be allies via anonymous asks is just going to lose us ground in the long run. And we don’t have time for that, not when trans women of color are being murdered every day, not when states are still fighting against marriage equality, not when there are politicians in office who believe that trans people are possessed by demons, not when we’ve just lost 50 brothers and sisters to one gunman, not when the media won’t even admit that the attack was homophobic.

Please step back. Look at the big picture. Look at where we are, globally. Don’t just log on to your safe space and attack your allies over small missteps. That’s like washing the dishes in a house that’s on fire, kids. Let’s fight on the battlefield, and when we come home to each other, let’s just focus on bandaging up our wounds so we can go out and win the war.

[takemyusernamepls]

“Thank you student loans for helping me get through school. I don’t know if I can ever repay you”

— broke college student

[takemyusernamepls]

Me: I said no.

Him: that’s not what your body said...

*thinking back to how I also moved his hands multiple times so he wouldn’t touch me*

Me: please don’t value your interpretation of me over what I tell you directly. It tends to be wrong.

[takemyusernamepls]

[takemyusernamepls]

I swear I lived an entire week in the span of a day.

[takemyusernamepls]

concept: let’s go to bed at 9pm instead of 3am. let’s drink more water for our bodily health and less coffee for the aesthetic. let’s not skip breakfast because it’s worth running a little behind even if it’s just some fruit or cereal. let’s go socialize even if we’re kinda nervous. let’s love ourselves when we feel down, because flaws are not the end of the world. let’s work hard but take breaks in between instead of procrastinating and then rushing. let’s ignore what people who don’t know us have to say about us behind our backs. let’s be kind to each other because we’re all trying here. let’s hype up being mentally healthy rather than being perfect. let’s live our lives like we want to.

just a thought.

[takemyusernamepls]

My instructor who’s only ever seen me in my uniform in class: were you a goth in high school? *weird look* you were definitely a goth.

My guy friend seeing me in normal clothes for the first time: you know, I’m not really surprised you wear so much black. *eyeroll*

Somewhere: *a wolf howls at the full yellow moon looming overhead and I’m tempted to dig out my old poetry and sketch a representation of the night*

Me: *smiles*

[takemyusernamepls]

So I think I’m asexual

I never knew for sure until recently. So I’ve been considering the possibility since I was younger and first realized I never got the same feelings as my friends. While they’d be gushing over the latest hot celebrities and play fuck marry kill, the most I could ever do was comment when I thought somebody looked attractive. But I never wanted to sleep with someone. I had crushes on a few boys, but they were simple things that I thought out logically. Like I’d consider what made someone a good or likable person and what their flaws were. If their positive traits outweighed their negative traits, and they were cute there was a good chance I’d have a crush on them. These feelings were simple, like writing a list or flipping a switch. I always thought there was something wrong with me. For all I know, there might be. All I know is that I can’t relate to others when they complain about dry spells or when they go out and try to get laid.

So what happened to make me realize I may be ace? I had my first boyfriend. I loved being with him. But I never wanted sex in all the months we were together. I liked cuddling and kisses were nice. But anything more physical than that? Nope. Anything more and id just feel sick. But the thing was, I could see a future for the two of us together. I loved him. I just didn’t agree with the popular idea love couldn’t exist without sex. This may sound childish to some people, but I’m 20 years old. Im not a little girl anymore. This is who I am.

[takemyusernamepls]

Do you ever feel like you’re bad luck to people around you? Like when I’m having a good day, the people I care about are at the verge of tears. If I’m having a bad day, good things start happening to people around me.

[takemyusernamepls]

Army adventures continued

Hey so a while back I made a post saying that I enlisted. Well I have some updates. Since I made that post, I’ve graduated basic training and am now in my individual training stage. I changed a lot and learned much, the most important being... The military is a life changing experience.

[takemyusernamepls]

Fandom Reboot Appreciation

I introduced my father to the newer Star Trek movies (2009 Star Trek and also Into Darkness so far). I’m super happy though because it seems he kinda likes them. I say kinda because he didn’t seem to like the first movie because it had “slow parts” and was “too much like Star Wars at times” and he was really frustrated with details affected by the timeline. With Into Darkness, however, he got emotionally invested in it, predicted the plot, and was genuinely surprised at times. I was worried because he’s a bit of a Star Trek purist. He loves the original series but not really any of the others (not even TNG which kinda breaks my heart because ITS SO GOOD). He even avoided the newer movies because he was upset about the different actors. Anyway, Star Trek was kinda like our father daughter thing and a way we spent time together. It was important to me that he give these a chance. To get him interested in the new series just makes me so happy and I realized something.

It’s been kinda a big thing to reboot older fandoms or cash in on nostalgia lately. Star Wars has a new episode trilogy in the works, stranger things really latches on to 80s nostalgia, Disney is remaking all its classics, Star Trek has its new movies as well, and more. These things try to give well-deserved attention to fandoms that are long established while also appealing to those who have always liked the original(s). With everything being released however, it seems that the public is very split. When first introduced, the reboots are meant to appeal to a new generation and get more attention. After that, it’s meant to add to the Mythos of each respective universe.

For example, the force awakens angered some die hard Star Wars fans because of similarities to a new hope although the movie did well and made up for the prequels (imo). It was meant to capture the magic watchers of the original Star Wars had experienced when seeing the movie for the first time and welcome a new audience. They did. It has the same feel of the original and garnered fresh attention from a new generation. Other movies (like rogue one and last Jedi) then went on to answer questions and continue the story respectively (although each had their own issues— but that’s another story).

Star Trek similarly has tried to reboot the series and get a new generation interested in something that has been around for literally more than half a century. It goes back to its roots by focusing on the original characters but doesn’t tell the same story. It’s not predictable because it actively changes the timeline. It is the same, yet different, paying homage and respect to the series it portrays.

These reboots are interesting. Sometimes people are hesitant to explore something that’s been around forever because they are so used to modern media. Writing, effects, and society have all evolved since the creation of well established fandoms. By rebooting something, the movie industry is able to appeal to a new generation by writing stronger female characters, improving special effects, getting creative with designs, and exploring all sorts of possibilities. To be fair, a bunch of people argue that reboots are not necessary. I agree, if the reboot is only retelling a story we’ve heard before. We don’t need a carbon copy of a story we already know unless you can add something substantially different or unique. However, if something is able to tell a new story while attracting new viewers AND staying true to the original content, it’s quite amazing. Generations can then come together over some common ground, on something that so many people are passionate about.

A lot of these reboots are the same. They continue a story, but in a way that answers questions. They try to capture nostalgia, but tailor it to a new generation. If theatrical, the first movie comes off as slow or uncreative to die hard fans because it’s meant to be an introduction to new fans. However, from this point, the reboots are able to expand the universe. Stories are no longer entirely predictable because a baseline has been established from which the story can expand. Because of this, I have a great appreciation for these recent reboots. Are they always necessary? Not really. Does it make it seem like Hollywood is running out of ideas? Sometimes. Do these reboots help bridge generations through a common ground? Absolutely.

Sorry for the long post. It’s super late and I don’t know if any of this really makes much sense. I just wanted to share some thoughts. Hope you have a good 2018!

[takemyusernamepls]

Wishing everyone a wisdom filled year! ✨

[takemyusernamepls]

[takemyusernamepls]

First semester was filled with new experiences

I need to explain as the stuff on this list aren’t really amazing. So, I am a quiet girl. The artsy, internet-crazed, semi-closeted fangirl. Straight (but possibly asexual). Military kid, pastor’s kid, mixed-race kid. Socially awkward and introverted. Moved to San Francisco from a rinkadink country town in the middle of nowhere. So, I’m a bit sheltered. Anyways, I just finished my first semester of college and realized how many “firsts” happened. They’re not really remarkable, I’m mostly just putting these here for my own benefit. This is a blog, after all.

• danced at a party (literally NEVER happened before)

• accidentally walked into the filming of a movie (I just wanted groceries)

• walked into a gay bar (it was part of a tour and everyone there was super nice)

• went on night adventures (hiking though the mountains with friends at midnight)

• had to rely on myself for all food, cleaning etc. (this sounds pathetic, I know. The independence with college is amazing)

• tried an all-fruit/veggie diet (it makes you feel SUPER healthy and eco friendly)

• witnessed two violent fights (pro tip: if you come to San Francisco, please avoid Market Street for your own good)

• struggled with paying bills (broke student life y’all)

• joined the military (not my idea as I’m not exactly “the type” but I have hopes)

• did a proper push up

• volunteered with the SPCA

• lost ten pounds instead of gaining fifteen

• went to a Halloween costume party

• liked the classes I had to take for school

[takemyusernamepls]

Sorry for all the quotes from my fellow students. One of our recent inclass assignments was to create modern day proverbs that students in our school could relate to. There were A LOT more, but I thought these were more relatable for other people.

[takemyusernamepls]

“If I had $10 for every Uni assignment, I could easily pay off my student debt”

- an extremely overworked student