tails-from-kalmia

[tails-from-kalmia]

Sebastian #1

The flickering of the candle was going to kill Sebastian, at least that's what he was beginning to believe. The flame taunted him as the cool air blew through the part in the window that just would not meet quite right. The dancing light was disturbing Sebastian's creative flow—at least partially. Or perhaps not. Sebastian could not quite tell. The fox had many thoughts like that: the draft coming in made him shiver, breaking his concentration; the dog next door talking to loud, jumbling notes as they made their way from head to parchment—anything that prevented that horrible, consuming thought from creeping in.

With a sigh, Sebastian put down his pen. The ink was beginning to pool where he had left it too long. Normally, Sebastian would use this as an excuse to crumble the paper and toss it, but the bin was getting full.

The bin is getting full, he thought. I am just not—

"No," he spoke to the silence. "Don't."

So he didn't. At least for now.

He reached to an envelope on the side of the desk. The envelope was torn and battered but Sebastian could not bring himself to replace it. The address in the corner was just down the street but felt empires away. The stamp was a small art piece of kalmia blooms, just like the ones they kissed surrounded by.

Sebastian pulled out the letter. It was getting soft the way paper does when it has been loved. He opened it and read the words he had already memorized. Erik was telling him how amazing his performance was, how lucky he felt calling Sebastian his. When his eyes read "I love you, Seb", he read it so clearly in Erik's voice that it was like he was whispering it to him again. Seb started to cry, though the tears were toxic.

I can't do this. I can't—

"I can't do this," he said aloud. The words felt wrong. Try again.

"There's no point."

Try again.

"I suck at this."

Try. Again.

"I'm not good enough," he whispered. And then the dam broke.

The tears were a storm. The rain pelted down, stamping out his fire. Lightning struck with flashes of memory. The thunder boomed with wailing and the cry out of "I'm not good enough!" Eventually, the rain dried up on Seb's cheeks, and there was only the low rumble of "I'm not good enough" on his lips.

Seb tried to pick back up the letter but dropped it as if it stung him. In a way it did. Erik was one of the best mages in the town. In the corner of the page was an enchanted doodle of Erik winking at him. The deer added this as a special touch to comfort Seb. Most times it did, but other times it was a reminder of what Seb could not do. The fox had tried multiple times to practice the small bits of magic Erik gave him as a kind of homework, but nothing ever happened.

A strong gust of wind came through the gap in the window, extinguishing the candle for good. Seb knew that all he would have to do to get it fixed was to ask the nearest carpenter to take a look at it, but his mom was asleep. He resolved that he would fix it. Perhaps tomorrow. He needed to be the one to fix it.

He went to grab his matches but stopped. One of the things Erik tried to teach him was fire magic and...

He placed both hands around the wick, as if shielding it from the breeze. He spoke the incantation, not saying it as a demand the way Erik taught him but more as a plea. Inevitably, nothing happened. Seb nodded solemnly, reached again for his matches, but stopped himself once more.

Tomorrow, he promised himself, thinking of Erik. He would want me to wait until tomorrow.

Exhausted, Sebastian slipped into his bed. By the time the candle relit, he was already asleep.