#白纸就该配白纸。谁又能真的出淤泥而不染呢。我也没法幸免。
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#I don't want to get attached I don't want to like anyone I can't lose anyone i care about anymore I don't want to lose anyone anymore#i tell myself that if i try to make myself really busy if i try really hard and i talk to more people and meet new people maybe I'll stop#maybe I'll forget it maybe I'll be too busy to feel anything and i work myself to the bone and i barely have time for anything anymore#and still. still.#still in the dead of night i hate myself for feeling like this why won't it go away#logically yeah you can't control how you feel only what you do about it logically ik i shouldn't beat myself up for this#love shouldn't be scary or something like that. my friend tells me i should put my heart out there. but god. god.#i love my friends. and i really really cared deeply about the people i had around me. I've betrayed how i felt before just to. keep them.#i don't want to lose. anyone i care about again. I can't take it. I can't risk it. and so i hope. that nobody i care about. ever likes me.#and i hope that whenever i feel anything that it will go unnoticed and it will pass. please. please. please.#i know unfortunately that i wear my heart on my sleeve but if i never try to figure it out i hope that everyone else turns a blind eye to it#i know it's obvious sometimes. i wish it weren't. hopefully it goes away soon again.#it's not worth it. it wasn't worth it. but I'd rather lose 20 lbs and go through the hospital again than lose someone i love#just because the lines got a little blurry and i cared a little too much#and also bc unfortunately i seem like. a good person to date. i promise i can be a good friend but. it's v different isn't it.#im used to the stress and misfortune i deal with and i try my best to make the bad things going on only entertainment and never a burden#i can maintain space in friendships where that's possible but. it's inevitable to see part of what i have to deal w if u hang around enough#hh. sometimes i feel like im too. unclean. to possibly be able to. have something nice. i want something nice but id just feel bad.#you deserve someone less weathered. someone more untouched by the mishaps in life. someone fresh and clean.#it wasn't something i could control. and it isn't fair. and i wish i were unchanged and untouched but. it is what it is.#白纸就该配白纸。谁又能真的出淤泥而不染呢。我也没法幸免。#im so tired. im so tired. it will pass.#being on the aspec is hard but at least thankfully I don't think i physically can do romance anymore. at least. not as long as. yeah.#anything that puts me back into the context of my ex anyone anything who has any association w my ex. immediately. makes me lose any capabi#it sounds bad and ik it's not healthy but im thankful. im grateful. I can't do it. I can't do it and that's good#delete later#tw sa#tw health
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