#zunn the bodacious

[tatzelwyrm]

Okay, so, you know, imagine you’re ambling around Mordor, maybe you’re taking your caragor out for a walk, it’s a nice day, the Morgai flies are buzzing gently, ash falls from the sky in tender flakes, when you see HIM! The coolest looking orc captain you’ve ever seen. Absolutely stunning. Tall, massive shoulders, dreamy eyes. Looks a bit like like a Batman villain but less crabby.

Let’s call him Zunn (because that is his name).

This captain shall be my captain, you think.

So you turn on elf-vision, tag him, and - oh no! He’s got Iron Will.

That sucks, but you can work around that. Shame him a couple of times until he comes to his senses, then gently level him back up. It’s annoying and a bit risky due to the possibilty of you breaking his mind beyond repair during the process, but, hey, he’ll live and he’ll still look cool.

But then you browse through his traits and all of a sudden all hope is gone, because not only does this beautiful, beautiful orc have Iron Will, he’s also got Unbreakable.

Because someone during development of this game thought, you know what would be fun in an Orc-collecting-game? Making some orcs un-collectable!

And now you got a problem. Now you gotta kill this beautiful orc - except, there may still be a way you can have him, without having him, because Zunn the Beautiful is a Trickster who uses doubles of himself as decoys! And to make his intro speeches extra long, because every single one of doubles just has to make a cute one-liner before the ass-kicking commences.

Anyways, this dude got doubles. So all you gotta do now, is let one of his doubles kill you, so that the double gets promoted to captain and you can collect the double!

Easy, right? What could possibly go wrong?

You wanna do this properly, so you go find some intel, find out if Zunn the Ravishing has any traits you can make use of to differentiate the original from the doubles.

You’re in luck! Zunn the Bodacious gets dazed by pinning! So all you gotta do, is shoot every orc that looks like Zunn in the foot and then get killed by one that doesn’t get dazed! SIMPLE!

First, you remember to turn off Saviors, so that when Zunn the Lovely has heroically brought you to your knees, he doesn’t get one-shotted by a lvl 10 glob you recruited 20 hours ago and have since forgotten about in a valiant attempt to save you (bc that has never happened before when you were trying to recruit a really cool orc, no, sir). Next, you find your beautiful new orc and his copies, kill any grunts in his camp so they don’t get in the way and steal the kill from your intended murderer. You identify the original Zunn with your brilliant plan of shooting everybody in the foot and let one of the copies reduce your health to zero.

SUCCESS!

Except not, because Zunn and his copies also happen to be sadists and they refuse to give you the killing blow, because for some reason orcs think that giving you another chance to stab them in the face is humiliating to you (orcs and their weird Klingon-copycat society, I swear...) .

FINE.

It’s frustrating, but we’re a grown-up. We eat our humiliation and get back up and the fight continues.

Rinse and repeat. We let another copy reduce our health to zero.

FINALLY. This time we die!

Except we don’t, because you forgot that you had the Adamant upgrade turned on and the killing blow is skipped again, because, again, Zunn and his copies are sadists who hate you specifically.

FINE.

You get back up. This is the last time. Adamant has been used up. They HAVE to kill you now. Except, as soon as you regain your bearing you’re interrupted by Krakhorn the Bowman.

Krakhorn the Bowman is a lovely Machine Tribe Sharpshooter that you raised to Epic levels yourself after recruiting him.

And now he’s betraying you.

Do you want to know why?

Because you got humiliated.

Krakhorn has a sweet poison weapon you gave him a while back and he probably has some sweet immunities too that you were going to put to use in an online siege, but you don’t take the time check before you cut off his head in a quiet rage.

This is fine. It’s fine. Just FINE.

Back to Zunn.

“He KILLED Krakhorn!” he cries.

Zunn saw what you just did.

So did his doubles.

The doubles who you need to kill you. The doubles who are not captains yet and who are treated by the game as normal grunts and now start running from you in a panic because they witnessed you execute a captain.

You run after them (definitely not laughing hysterically), but they just keep running and running and no matter how many times you hit them, they just keep running.

Then you get taken out by some random grunt OUT OF NOWHERE.

You die.

The random grunt gets promoted to Captain.

But at least he gained a unique title. The Dreamer is a pretty cool orc. He’s a Destroyer. That’s a much, much more useful class than Trickster anyway. If you tire of trying to capture Zunn the Captivating you can always console yourself by taking The Dreamer instead...

The Dreamer gained Iron Will.

You turn off the game.