#yup now I am just trying to make myself feel better but I also wholeheartedly believe that if it helped just one person it was worth it

[mein-wurzelzwerg]

For anyone who’s first language isn’t English, who’s not familiar with the kind of language used in the Bible translations today, who’s not familiar with the ideom “fool bent on a folly”, or for anyone who for whatever reason had to google it and may it just be that they just woke up and are still half asleep.

[Image ID: The different kind of bible-translations as a small caption in blue and the corresponding translation of the Verse Proverbs 17:12 in average black text underneath:

New International Version

Better to meet a bear robbed of her cubs than a fool bent on folly.

New Living Translation

It is safer to meet a bear robbed of her cubs than to confront a fool caught in foolishness.

English Standard Version

Let a man meet a she-bear robbed of her cubs rather than a fool in his folly.

Berean Standard Bible

It is better to meet a bear robbed of her cubs than a fool in his folly.

King James Bible

Let a bear robbed of her whelps meet a man, rather than a fool in his folly.

New King James Version

Let a man meet a bear robbed of her cubs, Rather than a fool in his folly.

New American Standard Bible

Let a person meet a bear robbed of her cubs, Rather than a fool in his foolishness

End Image-ID]

hey guys big news, the bible has taken a stand on the man vs bear debate. and it said we should choose the bear.

Proverbs 17:12 (NIV): "Better to meet a bear robbed of her cubs than a fool bent on folly."

[friendshouserecords]

The following interview was conducted between Jayson Ayala (J) and carter c (C) on the night of December 17th, through Discord messaging.

J: Before we begin, would you like to introduce yourself?

C: hi!!! i'm carter c and i'm a DIY musician from vegas & i make a LOT of music.

J: Omg hi, big fan! :D

C: hiii

J: In July you released your 2nd (now labeled only) LP, everything i do alone i want to do with you, and in the corresponding months after you've been releasing new material for each month. How has the reception been for all the projects?

C: so like reception has actually been really good! everytime i get criticism and stuff like that i take it wholeheartedly and try to better my future projects and i hope everyone can obviously hear that. a lot of people really liked "my lips are moving" which was suuuper super reaffirming that i could make really whatever i wanted. i'm happy ppl r really liking it :-)

J: That's really great to hear! Has releasing projects at this pace brought any sort of worry or has it been an ease in task with nerve only appearing in approach to differing sound?

C: not gonna lie, at the end i got so unbelievably overwhelmed but i made due . pretending to write songs for other projects helped me a lot too. for example, back in april i released 2 songs as "imaginary best friend", and using aliases like that just kind of lets me do whatever. now that i don't have any deadlines i've gotten back to writing a lot more freely but for a while making carter c was very very stressful. i was still having fun tho!

J: Congrats on pushing through and finding ways to keep things more relaxed for yourself! It's good to know that writing has been at free pace. :)

In relation to sound, your latest record is a large shift with the direction taken in sound. Instrumentally you took a diverge from an synths, midi drums, and a general electronic feel for a more natural, rock-folk sound. Who would say inspired you to make this change for recording?

C: the inspiration for that sound is a lot of the DIY artist's i have been listening to as of late. car seat headrest, geronimostilton, julia brown, teen suicide, starry cat, paranoid americans, weatherday (etc.) but the reasoning for that sound existing is that i kind of wanted to limit myself and making something that is authentically "carter c." not carter c with vocals and maybe guitar by carter c, synths & drums programmed by lev sterling, and keyboards played by kameron salek. i just wanted to make something that truly reflected my skillset and who i am.

J: Would you say you achieved what you set forth?

C: for sure, i feel like my music now at the end of the day is an extremely accurate representation of my skillset and of what i want to create

J: Good job :)

C: ty :)

J: Whilst it's in the air, let's talk inspiration. The narrative of the album primarily focuses on your relationship with your partner, Amanda Shaw. Was it your intention to make the album a sort of concept-record or did it come about naturally in the writing process?

C: the concept-record aspect of it was completely on accident. originally my idea for everything i do alone i wanted to make an album full of disconnected singles (in the same vain as dc/snuff film or my back is killing me baby) but all i could really write was these long winded love songs. i would stay up so late writing these them about her and she'd listen and help out. it kind of just morphed into a concept album about her and what it would be like really meeting in person naturally as we both did our parts to contribute to the project

J: In what ways did she help out?

C: so in the cd verison of the record there is a drawing  for every song and she co-wrote cover me in paint, i think yr a rabbit, and helped me with the structure of star funeral

J: Cate Wurtz type beat 💪

C: LOL

J: From my understanding she also drew the album cover, yes?

C: yup! it wasn't even meant for the album

J: With the mention of Cate Wurtz, you recently tweeted about your song, badplace, which you stated was inspired by a Cate Wurtz comic and a bit after she liked the tweet! Do you think she listened to the track?

C: honestly i'm not sure! i'd be honored if she did. badplace (THE COMIC) is my absolute favorite comic of all time and it's so funny and silly and bubbly and weird. i hope she remembers that comic and tbh if she checked out the song i hope she sees that her fans luv her n stuff

J: Well I hope she did, it's easily my favourite off the tracklist! I was wondering if you could tell the story of the spoken word piece in the breakdown, I'm sure fans would love to hear!

C: oh for sure, it's straight up ripped from the comic. cate is credited as a writer on the song bc of it. her words really stuck out to me and effected the way i view my own personal life.

J: Let's move on from the album for a moment.

In September, you released a companion EP dubbed, i would drive a million miles just to hear your voice. Does the EP add any extension to the narrative previously given?

C: not particularly, to me it gives certain songs another lens to look through. everything i do alone as an indie rock song, i think started as a suped up version of fashion break, animals is using only instruments i owned when i wrote the song, and february 6th is just a leftover song i had. the EP is an extension of the concept and motif of the album

J: Ah, that's a good way to look at it, thanks! Speaking of february 6th, it derives from your side project, imaginary best friend. Another song which had also made a comeback was waiting 4 u!. What brought you to give these two a fresh a coat of paint and should we be expecting any new releases from ibf?

C: oh yes ibf!! waiting 4 u was rerecorded for jested inc's charity compilation and february 6th was just a song i loved playing all the time but my vocal delivery on the original was very much not my finest performance. more ibf will hopefully come out eventually, and another song (called imaginary best friend) came out back in september. who knows tho!

J: I'll be sure to check it out after this! Re-recording seems to have been prevalent for yourself this year. First we heard an updated take of Star Cluster off your debut LP, Starry-Eyed Boy. It featured an incredible performance from Ewren. Then we saw an acoustic recording of fan favourite, ride, and just last month we saw, AGAIN, another version of ride which bared resemblance to everything i do alone in regards to sound. Why has ride been given so many iterations from a swing-feel [demo-recording] to a diy jam and do you think I could get on ride 5?

C: haha! ride 5 will never happen. ride is a song that i've had high expectations of because i like the writing so much but the original recording irks me so much. it just feels so superficial and glitzy for no reason compared to the november ride. the ride demo is super cute though, glad you've heard that one.

J: Of course, I'm a big fan! Your latest release, wave goodbye to the ghost, was released about a week ago. In the song's description you state the track was demo'd in late December of 2020. Was the song considered for SEB or maybe even dead while also kind of hungry?

C: it was written for dead while also kind of hungry but was left out for ride (because they both originally contained car seat headrest lyrics) but in ethos it was really the first ibf song. entirely recorded, produced, and performed by me.

J: Is it now? Is the demo available anywhere for listen?

C: the first first demo? it's available here

wave goodbye to the ghost (december 2020 demo) 

it was essentially a different song tbh not a lot is really left the same but maybe that's cool because growth or something lol

'wave goodbye to the ghost' demo

here is the demo from this november when i picked it back up as well :P

J: Neato! Another note you made in the description was the revision you made on the lyrics. One of the topics is college and recently you were just accepted into one, which were you accepted into and how has school been on you as a musician?

C: oh ya! i was recently accepted into portland state university for music production, which i'm super excited about. in school i'm a pretty big music nerd, spending the majority of my day in the band room and spend the rest of my day either mixing or browsing RYM. being a DIY musician and also going to school hasn't done much just because my music isn't rlly marketable to everyone at school

J: I feel that, but being marketable is for sell outs or whatever lol

C: agreed

J: Let's take things back to everything i do alone. The track animals is the oldest song to appear in the selection, dating back to 2018. Why did this song seem most fitting for a spot on the record?

C: fun fact, the song is older than that! it was originally released under a different name randomly in 2017. i decided animals was best for the LP because a lot of my friends liked the song and so did amanda. i ended up playing it a lot on early carter c livestreams (pre SEB) along with the skeleton song & blond boy. they were just the best of my old tunez.

J: Do you really have a skeleton under your bed named george?

C: haha! sorta? the song was written about my notebook (named george) that i kept under my bed because i was so nervous about someone reading it

J: You named your notebooks lol? Why were you so nervous about someone reading it?

C: just that one. i wrote so much in it & so much just personal stuff yknow. tweens are weird

J:Definitely, haunting memories for sure!

C: indeed

J:You recently came out with a compilation track of singles you've released throughout the year. Not just under your name, but side-projects you're attached to as well. One of the projects ,teenage hands, is in collaboration with the artist, Ewren. Should fans be expecting any new released or shall it remain dormant?

C: a lot more teenage hands is coming soon. ricky eat acid + bedroom pop vibes. get excited!!!!

J: you heard it there folks, get the hype train started! We're coming to a near end for our interview and this last one has me on the edge of my seat... what would it take for you to re-do King of the Gnomes??

C: one million dollars and a full 30 person orchestra.

J: And that's a wrap! Before we pack could we get a list of what you've been listening to?

C: absolutely!!!

This Will Be Horrible For The Economy - geronimostilton

inane - Hopper1000

ILoveUIHateU - Playboi Carti

Loved - Julia Brown

When Will My Man Come? - Car Seat Headrest

this was sm fun, thank you jay <3333

J: Anytime, thank you for your cooperation! Be sure to STREAM CARTER C through the following link

[bvckiesbarnes]

does that make me crazy?

Pairing: Mafia!Bucky x Reader

Word count: 1.6k

Summary: Reader is a waitress at a seedy bar. Bucky comes in to collect some payment and talk business with your boss. Things go wrong, and Bucky tries to get the truth.

Themes/Warnings: Mafia!Bucky, slight gun violence, slight swearing.

A/N: Requests are open! This is also my first Bucky x Reader fic so please be kind :)

You wipe down the bar top, idly trying to count in your head how many tips you got. You weren’t great at math but you still wanted to try. It was a slow night, typical for a Tuesday.

The bar you worked at was pretty seedy and it was situated on one of the many streets run by the Mafia. They were relatively safe if you payed the protection fee and didn’t make stupid decisions. You didn’t know exactly how much that fee was, but it wasn’t enough to go bankrupt, that’s for sure.

Just as you were finishing with the till, three people walked in. Two of them walked slowly, obviously assessing the room for threats. A woman with red hair and the type of attitude that says she could kill you with a single look inspected her nails, whispering something at her companion, an extremely muscular blonde man trailing two steps behind.

The man in the middle, though, is what makes you pay attention. He has full lips, artfully tousled brown, almost black hair and the most piercing set of blue yes you have ever seen. His jaw is sharp as a knife, broad shoulders filling out his jacket nicely.

You feel your mouth run dry and you immediately swallow, trying to get your tongue to work.

When you finally speak, you try to address all of them, your eyes lingering slightly on the man in the middle.

“Sorry, we’re closed,” you say, smiling apologetically.

The man in the middle doesn’t even miss a beat. “It won’t take a minute,” he says, a Brooklyn drawl lacing his words.

The moment he speaks, you recognise him. James “Bucky” Barnes. Notorious leader of the Mafia. The Mafia.

You are so fucked.

Trying to keep your voice steady, you straighten your back, trying not to betray anything. “Can I help you?”

“Is there any chance your boss is around?” Bucky asks, inspecting the bar and wincing slightly at the state of the stools, “I need to have a little chat with him. Tell him Bucky’s here.” His smile was all teeth, predatory and dangerous.

“Uh, yeah, sure, I think he’s in the back. Should I get him, or..?” You say, gesturing with your thumb.

Bucky just smirks, a lopsided thing that was far too innocent to be anything but. “That’d be great, doll.”

You give him a tight-lipped smile and rush to the back, not wanting to keep him waiting.

Your boss—Mike—wasn’t the best, but he wasn’t the worst, either. He usually pays on time, which is nice, and he only sometimes uncomfortably flirts with you. He’s only harassed you like, once. In New York that’s pretty good.

The world is fucked.

You quickly push the back door open. “Hey, Mike? There’s someone–oh, what the fuck.”

There’s a gun. Mike is holding the gun. In all your years in New York, this is actually the first time you’re getting a gun pulled on you. Fun. If you had a bingo card, you’d definitely win it with this.

Mike is breathing harshly, red in the face. Sweat drips down into his eyes. How he’s keeping them open is a mystery to you. “I know who’s here,” he whispers harshly, finger shaking on the trigger, “and I don’t wanna see him.”

The smart thing to do is back away. Tell Bucky to come back another time. For some reason, your brain wholeheartedly disagrees and decides to speak. “I don’t really think you have a choice,” you retort, voice steady.

Mike just turns even redder. You didn’t know a person could even have this much blood in one area. It seems unhealthy. “I swear to god I will shoot you,” he practically barks. “Tell him to go.”

“Okay, okay, let’s think for a moment here–”

“I am warning you–”

“I’m going!” You say, hands up in a placating motion. “Don’t shoot.”

You back out, keeping your hands up the entire time. You try your hardest to look normal when you go back into the bar, hoping that Bucky and his group don’t see through your façade. The moment you step back into that room all eyes are on you.

Except only Bucky is there.

This is gonna be bad.

You speak before Bucky can say anything.

“Hey, sorry, I think you just missed him, but I could leave a message or–oh you are very close.”

With each word you spoke, Bucky stepped closer, backing you into the bar. Your back hits the corner and suddenly you’re aware of just how close he is, the scent of his aftershave spicy and clean. It was intoxicating and, quite frankly, you didn’t mind it.

“Now I’m gonna ask you a question and I expect you to be honest with me, darlin’,” Bucky said, his voice low enough that you needed to concentrate to make out the words he was saying.

You swallow, catching the way his eyes follow the movement. He was a head taller than you, emphasising the feeling of being caged in. It made your heart race—and if you were being truthful—not just from fear.

He leans in a little closer, his hands coming up to rest beside your head. “Where’s your boss?”

Each word was spoken softly, but he may as well be shouting them for how loud they seemed in your ears.

“Not here—” you start to say, but Bucky just clicks his tongue, shaking his head.

“Now, I don’t get pissed off, easy. I like to think myself quite reasonable, actually,” he twirls a strand of your hair, playing with it idly. The casualness just added to the butterflies in your stomach which you firmly told yourself was panic and not anything else.

“Lyin’, though,” he continues, “gets on my nerves, and you don’t wanna be on my bad side.” The low, almost growl of his voice shivers down your spine. You look away, trying to break the tension.

Bucky gently grabs your chin, making you look at him. His grip is calloused yet soft. You could break out if you wanted, but something about him traps you in his gaze.

“So I’m gonna ask one more time,” he says, piercing blue eyes boring into yours, “where is your boss?”

A voice in your head tells you to shut up and avoid getting shot. Another voice tells you to answer, because something tells you he could do a lot worse than shoot you. A part of you also wanted to see how he’d react to your honesty, if he’d smile a genuine smile or if he’d just back off.

“He’s in the back,” you say, voice quiet but surprisingly steady.

A grin spreads across Bucky’s face, boyish and pleased. “Thanks, doll.” For a second it seems like he’s going to lean in, maybe drag his lips across yours, but the moment is broken when the door to the back room opens.

You startle, eyes immediately looking over to what moved. Bucky leans back slowly, unperturbed. The two people he came in with were holding your boss between them, bruised and bloody.

Bucky makes some quick hand gestures, obviously telling them to take care of it. How, you didn’t want to know. They left quickly, speaking in low hushed tones, strangely jovial considering what they just did.

Then, something clicked. “Hold on, he’s—”

“Yup,” Bucky says, popping the ‘p’.

“Which means you already knew where he was,” you say, the realisation slowly dawning on you.

“I wouldn’t be good at what I did if I didn’t,” he grins, leaning on the bar next to you. You’re relieved for the space it puts between you, since your cheeks were absolutely burning. Why was he so hot? Why couldn’t you be attracted to, like, an accountant, or something?

“So, if you knew, why did you ask?” You say, crossing your arms, trying to regain some dignity.

Bucky shrugs. “Wanted to see if you told the truth.”

Your brows furrow, and in a fit of boldness, you take a step closer to him. His eyebrow quirks up at that, smiling rakishly and running his eyes over you.

“And you needed to see that because..?” You ask, slightly annoyed now that the shock of the night was gone.

“Because I wanted to ask you to dinner,” Bucky says, writing something on a bit of paper he fished out from his pocket.

“You—I—what?”

“Dinner,” Bucky says, slow, as if he was speaking to a child, “it’s a meal you eat with someone you wanna get to know better.”

“Yeah, I know what dinner is,” you snap, annoyed at his condescending tone. This only makes him smile wider, making you bristle. “What I wanna know is why do you want to ask me to it.”

Bucky just smiles wider. “Come to dinner and I’ll tell you,” he says, sauntering over to you and handing you the piece of paper. “This number doesn’t connect directly to me, so don’t get any ideas, doll.” He stood just a bit too close, but you refused to take a step back. Instead you looked him in the eyes, straightening your back.

You were just about to ask about what you could do with a number before realising the world he comes from. Maybe it’s best to keep this to myself, you think, pocketing the piece of paper.

“I’ll pick you up at seven tomorrow,” Bucky says, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear. Before you could answer, he was already walking away, leaving you with the residual warmth left behind from his touch.

What a weird fucking night.

[alexandra-amaria]

[survivorelara]

Episode #10: “Im not his slave im his partner.” -Andrea

https://youtu.be/StsZDwB6I6E https://youtu.be/_LKpUMGO2jY

I just feel.. really good? I think anyways. I’ve been talking to Ci’ere a lot today and I’m realising that I don’t even try to have a social game, I just just be good at talking to people??? Idk. But yeah it’s mostly good.. I have a lot of people I want to go far with which means I’m gonna have to let everyone else control the vote so I don’t look like I’m betraying people maybe?? Or I can just do what’s best for me , but I don’t need to worry about that yet I’ve still got og auva to get rid of :)

Holy wow. Final 9. I made the halfway mark. That's legit scary and I feel like throwing up because I rarely make it this far. I think that I have been in the good graces of everyone... seeing that I am one of the 2 people who still have 0 votes against me. Like my social game is doing that well and as conceited as this may sound- I think that I have a good shot at winning this whole show! But I still have to vote out 6 or 7 more people. Still not sure how this end game will play out, but it is coming and it is coming like a bullet train.

Well, it's the F9, and I didn't win that challenge like I'd hoped. I'm unsure if there was an idol clue involved or not. I'm hopeful not, but we'll see. Regardless not good for me because I was hoping Drew H would go next.

I think my ideal target this round is Drew T. Just because he threw my name out last time and it was frustrating to heck to hear that.

Beyond that I feel like I'm running out of players I could beat at the end, but maybe I'm underselling myself, and I'm playing a great game. I'm playing in the middle at the moment, which either nobody's aware of that, or everyone is and they either don't care or are planning my demise as we speak...

Let's go find out then shall we! :D

death. okno but like idek whats goin on. I am tight w just about everyone. With my cool new no lying stage theres more confrontation but i like... still dont think im playing a poor game idk i could be fuck I just know that in 6 days Sam and I hit 1 year of GP. He was my closest ally there and hes turning into it here. I adore Loris, don't think I could vote him out, but Sam just is so similar to me strategy wise and we just click its disgusting. However, when I make my cutesy post talking about how amazing GP is and my #1 ally, we'll be in f7. No gucci. I dont wanna get voted out for him again. Im not his slave im his partner.

Well, I'm playing a dangerous game, and tonight I can totally see it being me, nobody's giving me any warning at the moment though, so I'm still hopeful that I'm going unnoticed.

I still haven't found that damn idol which I'm definitely gonna want in the near future so that I can make a couple more bolder moves.

I think my ideal F2 is Emma, and my ideal F3 is with one of Loris, Sam, or Ci'ere, which I can think of some valid points against/with all of them. The one I'm less sure of as a 3rd would be Ci'ere, but we'll see how the game shakes down, or if I even make it that far to think about it.

Ideally it's Drew T that goes this round, and then it's Andrea or Drew H next, and the other one comes after that. But again those ideal circumstances, who knows if it'll genuinely work out that way, or if I'll even be around long enough to see anything past this tribal. But I'm making plans, thinking about who's on the jury, what I have to do to get there, it's just a matter of... GETTING there.

this tribal is sad. that’s all. I don’t feel I have much else to say zzz :(

I hate being busy everyone is being too quit :(

Me at F11: Guys we need to vote out Emma, it's the right move!

Drew T.: I don't trust Ci'ere, we can't do a plan that banks on him being honest with us after last time. (Dylan leaves) Me at F10: Guys it HAS to be Andrea, even if we're forcing rocks, like let's fuckin go and play this game Roxy: I actually already voted for John (John leaves) Roxy at F9: I just don't think Kori is the right move, if it's not our call to make we're playing this game wrong YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT WE'RE PLAYING THIS GAME WRONG, WE'VE BEEN PLAYING IT WRONG ALL SEASON BECAUSE YOU WON'T PLAY BALL AND TAKE A SWING, AND THINK IT'S BETTER TO VOTE OUT PEOPLE WHO ARE WILLING AND PROVEN TO WORK WITH US BUT NOW THIS IS WHERE WE ARE AND THERE IS ONE PATH TO MAJORITY AND IT'S ALREADY ROCKY AS FUCK SO NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR YOUR RIDICULOUS DOUBT. THAT TIME WAS FIVE DAYS AGO. WE'RE HERE NOW. I'm pretty sure it's gonna fail again and I"m pretty sure it's because of the people I'm with. I really should've aligned with Logan and Odd…

bruh this has been such a hectic round. basically im in the complete middle spot as a swing, and it seemed like it was a revati 4 against the auvas and ciere with me smack dab in the middle. but the thing is, I have alliances with everybody now, so I was at a complete loss on what I was going to do. I don't want drew t gone, but I also didnt want kori gone yet either, who the drews were proposing as a vote. The tricky thing is, after results last night kori came to me with a suggestion to vote andrea out, which made me know even more that the "revati 4" aren't this unbreakable tightly knit crew. so it really begs the question for me, what group of people will want to go to the end with me, and what group of people only want me around until like f6 or something

the best part is, I have a f3 alliance right now with loris and andrea, and 2 more secret f2 deals with roxy and kori, who nobody else in the game is aware of. it makes it that much more entertaining when loris and roxy don't trust one another, and it makes me the perfect middle man between these different "sides." then of course there is the obvious wanting to go to the end with drew t, but im not sure yet if I want to do that or not. I love the dude to pieces, but im not sure if its best for my game to stick with him long term or not. but for now, he trusts me wholeheartedly, and I wanted to repay him by working my ass off to save him this vote, since I have no intention of turning on the revatis since I know for a fact they aren't a tight group

so then comes this crazy idea that pops up in my head: why not get rid of ci'ere? he's lied to me once already, and he's in the most "disposable" position for me since I know for a fact right now I don't plan on going very far with him. because I know he'll just lie to me again if he has to. so ive been going to everyone and tryna convince them that drew going now wouldn't be as beneficial, seeing as he's a huge public target right now, and no one really "needs" ci'ere at this point.

so im hoping this works out, ci'ere leaving not only allows this whole auva vs revati thing to continue or whatever and let me stay in the middle, but it also allows me to hide behind people such as kori and the drews who I feel will always be targeted over me as long as they are in the game. ive worked my ass off, and so far I think it's paying off in the sense that im pretty well connected with everyone. but it also means I have to blindside that many more people to get myself to the end

theres also the possibility of the drews tryna use this vote change as a way to eliminate kori, which yeah would suck, and esp since ciere will know I went after him, but can he blame me? he lied to me already lol. and I mean, everyone other than ci'ere will still be aware that I tried to do what was best for them, like saving drew to the auva side, or not voting kori and voting in the minority with the revati side, so either way if this doesn't pan out how I want, I should really only have one person mad at me, and that one person isn't near as connected to people in this game as I am. so come at me bruh

god this has been such a stressful tribal, but whether I vote in the majority this time or not, if everything pans out the way I hope it will, i'll still have the trust of everyone I need in this game to still be able to keep my f2/3 deals I have so far

I will send a confessional AFTER THIS VOTE JESUS CHRISTUSUS LET ME LIVE HALLELUJAH

Yup, Kori pretty much just confirmed that he’s willing to go to the end with me. At the same time, Drew H. said that at least we know we can work together. From being at the bottom to being in a swing position right in the middle. I’m an important vote for both sides so this is stellar! It would seem that Drew T. thinks he can get Sam to flip this round btw. We’ll see if he can work his magic, but Sam specifically said he didn’t want Drew T. at the end because he’d win and he trusts me way more.

Omg, just when I felt like giving up in the codebreaker challenge I decided to keep pushing myself to find the page because I want a W & I ended up finding it! I believe I was the first person to get to the puzzle, but I’m not exactly sure because it says someone already complete it? I took longer than I had hoped on the puzzle portion & as soon as I finished Kori was being Kori. It seemed like he was trying to flex that he was finished so he might’ve beaten me ugh.

Anyway, Kori got exposed for lying to Auva 2.0 about his vote & all the heat is on him which is great! I’m kicking him under that bus just a bit to hopefully keep that target there.

Sam is telling Auva 2.0 that he wants to flip this round. Now let’s see if he goes through with that.

So I've been talking with Roxy, and it seems just about a sure thing that I'll be getting votes tonight. Loris was apparently putting my name UTB, and he decided to call me the mastermind for the John vote. WHEN I DIDN'T EVEN WANT JOHN GONE!

But sure let's see how this mess goes, I'm gonna take advantage where I can and do what I have to to come out unscathed.

Drew T is voted out 5-2-2.

[benjamingarden]

Change Your Life In 2018 - February Challenge: Figure Out What To Do With Your Life

If you’re just joining in, the “Change Your Life In 2018” series is my quest to make some small changes this year.  Rather than setting easily forgotten resolutions I wanted to focus on 12 changes that would help me learn and grow as a person.  I’ve chosen to focus on one change per month so that it could not only become a more manageable goal, but I have a better chance at making these new habits as well.  I hope you’ll join me in the challenge! Do you find yourself asking the question "what do I want to do with my life"?  Maybe you're one of the millions of people working in careers that they just don't like.  Or maybe you feel like you've had a good amount of time in your current career but it's no longer satisfying.  Or maybe your career is just fine, it's the rest of your life you're confused about.  Many people appear outwardly successful, however, they aren't fulfilled.  No judgement here - I've been there myself. I’ve always struggled with the question - what I want to do when I grow up.  I have such a variety of interests that committing to just one has never been easy.  In college I was a double major.  All of my life I’ve loved dance but once I began college I also became very passionate about biology and chemistry.  Two areas that didn't interest me at all throughout high school.  By my sophomore year I decided that I would double major in both dance and pre-med.  Partly because majoring in dance seemed irresponsible and partly because I couldn’t decide on just one…… (and I’m not currently using either) I have enjoyed the path my life has taken, but I have been trying to figure out what’s next.  Again, the dilemma is my varied interests.  I’ve struggled with narrowing it down.  As you know, my husband and I started a business (Cobble Hill Farm Apothecary) 4 years ago.  We absolutely love it, and plan to continue it as long as we have customers interested in our products.  But I want more.  Again, I have other interests that haven’t been utilized through the business (I love writing, I love cooking.....).  So I continued to question if we are on the right path or if there's another piece that's missing. Then I completed an exercise that seemed to really resonate with me.  I believe wholeheartedly in trusting my gut.  Sometimes I make very quick (and assumed rash) decisions because my gut says “yup – no need to ask any more questions, just do it”.  Other times I contemplate and go back and forth.  But once I hit on something that my gut reaction is “that is IT” or “that is definitely NOT it”, then I follow it. It’s critical to figure out what you should be doing because we can be very unsettled if you're not on the right path.  Maybe it’s the next chapter in your life, or maybe it’s the start of your path, regardless, once you figure this out everything else seems to fall into place. Before you conduct any of these exercises, you first must let go. LET GO. You cannot filter what you write based on what you believe you need to make for a salary, or what education or training it would take to have your dream career, or that you're too old to make the change, or that it's silly.  Nope, none of that.  Instead, truly allow yourself to write freely.  No restrictions, no editing, no negative thoughts.  1. Write Your Dream Bio I was perusing  Frugalwoods, (I highly recommend it) and came across Liz's article "How I Figured Out What I Want To Do With My Life And How You Can Too" and was hooked.  The first exercise she gave, which was this one, was SO easy.  I couldn't believe that it was this easy to really feel as though I'd hit it.

Take out a piece of paper and pen and write out, in present tense, what you would like your bio to read as.  Include your job, your community service, your hobbies, your financial state, etc.  Whatever you wish was your bio that someone was reading TODAY.  Remember the instructions above about letting go.....don't filter by thinking it's impossible, or stupid, or irresponsible, just write.

Don't write things you should write, instead, write what you really feel in your gut would be fulfilling.  What would bring even more happiness into your life.

For me it was a huge light bulb.  As I wrote my bio I really felt I was writing my dream life.  And the kicker was, much of it seems attainable.  Some of it is a stretch, for sure, but that's good.  First, you should always have stretch goals.  Second, what you actually write may not be attainable, but it may lead you to something that is. For example: let's say you write that you want to be a famous singer.  The "famous" portion of it may or may not happen.  And the "singer portion of it can only happen if you can actually sing.  That being said, is there something in the music industry that would be a good fit?  Could you continue with your current career and pick up local singing gigs to help fulfill that passion? Think outside of the box when you look at what you've written.

Now compare your newly written bio with where you are today.  What needs to happen in order for your true bio to change to your dream bio?  What types of goals must you set?  What needs to change in you (beliefs, drive, confidence, etc.) to make this work?  Are there things you do today that allow you to test the waters of some of your dreams?

2. Write Your Personal Manifesto If the dream bio didn't work for you, what about a manifesto?  Write it in present tense ("I am" rather than "I would like to")Include things such as:

your job including specifics on what it would be and then further narrowed down by pay, hours you would like to work, location, etc.  If it's something along the line of freelance, get specific on who you would want to perform work for.

your lifestyle including where you would like to live, details about your home, are you living mortgage-free, hobbies and leisure activities, community service/volunteer details, what you have for money in the bank and investments, etc.

your principles - what are your beliefs or intentions?

The same as the exercise above, compare this to what is true of your life today.  What needs to happen in order for your true bio to change to what you've written?  What types of goals must you set?  What needs to change in you (beliefs, drive, confidence, etc.) to make this work?  Are there things you do today that allow you to test the waters of some of your dreams?

I will reiterate again, it doesn't matter your age, your income or how much time you've got on any given day to devote to changing the path of your life.  We can all make changes, large or small, to work toward living the life that makes us feel happy and content.  We've got one shot at this - don't you owe it to yourself to at least try?  It's not easy, and it doesn't happen overnight, but it's worth the work.  

You are worth the work.  😉

Next month’s topic is: Goal-Setting: Chunking Them Down Into Bite-Size Pieces Find the introduction to the series here: 12 Things You Can Do To Change Your Life In 2018 Find January's challenge here:  Letting Go Of Regrets

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        Change Your Life In 2018 - February Challenge: Figure Out What To Do With Your Life was originally posted by My Favorite Chicken Blogs(benjamingardening)

[sincerelymrnaked]

Be’ers and Do’ers: A Psychedelic canoe trip with a few city boys

After we drink the Magic Mushroom tea, I become offended by time.

Malvin keeps reminding us how much time has passed, speculating when it’ll kick in. One hour. Forty minutes. Thirty minutes. Maybe twenty. Thirty minutes again.

“Shut the fuck up man!”

Among a surge of nausea, the forestry brightens with a vibrant green glow. The sun beams between clouds and golden light engulfs me. The lake glimmers like billions of diamonds under the early summer sky.

(Photo by Denis Lipman) 

Malvin grabs his machete almost instantly from his tent. I wonder why he feels a need for that. Is it so he feels safe? Tough? Why does he feel a need to bushwhack through trees when all I want to do is hug the sap out of every tree in my path? Something about him hanging on tightly to the machete means something. I feel it. But I don’t know what it is yet.

Collin and I sit on a rock covered in emerald moss. He seems increasingly uncomfortable.

“Just look at that lake now,” I tell him. I can’t peel my eyes off the ripples of water in the distance, bouncing off colours of sunlight; my mind soothes into expansive serenity. “It’s like…” For a second I lose my ability to articulate myself: “Colourful plates of softness.” What the fuck am I talking about? 

After another wave of nausea, I find myself completely immersed in the comfort of the rock. It’s as if my body is melting into it. My body is becoming the rock. My body is the rock. I no longer have a body. I simply am here. And there is nowhere else I can possibly want to go.

“Let’s get ‘er going boys!” Malvin calls, raising his machete over his head. “Time for a hike!

“I’m down,” says Collin. “This algae is tripping me out!” His eyes are glossy as he gazes at the water before the shore.

Ned agrees also — he’s been submissive and quiet. 

This confuses me. Here I am, on the most perfect rock I have ever encountered in my entire existence, and these boys want to go somewhere else? Why would anyone want to find something else when they already have everything they could ever want? Are they not enjoying this rock as completely and wholeheartedly as I am? Do they think there is a better rock out there?

“Boys, let’s just chill. Why go anywhere else?”

“Because we want to do stuff today and not just sit on our asses you blem fuck.”

Oh right. They’re right. I guess they want to experience this in more places. I also don’t want to be alone when the more powerful waves hit. I stand up to join them. We walk deeper into the forest.   

Malvin whacks through trees as we rise up the trail.

Nausea slows me down. “Hold up boys,” I call, putting my hands on my knees.

I continue on in utter fascination. The colours seem to vibrate. Shining lime surrounds us like the woods of Pandora. The freshly blossomed leaves pulsate with the breeze, like a current of secret energy suddenly untapped and available. But as I stop to admire, Malvin wants to keep moving. Collin and Ned follow. Do they not see what I see? Why are they rushing through this? Are they not as mesmerized as I am?

(Photo by Denis Lipman)

They stop to take a selfie. Yup, a fucking selfie! I’m on a trip with a bunch of city boys completely out of their element. As they get together, I hug a tree instead. Selfies don’t make sense to me now. They are constantly justified as solidifications of memories, but the one consistency that every memory has is that your own face is never in it. Selfies therefore obstruct your initial perception of the moment. They don’t restore memory. They change it and make it something different from what it really was. Selfies are for others to view your self. They are not for your self — except to show yourself that you were there. Except to remind yourself what you looked like in a certain day and age. But how you looked is not the same as whatever it was you were looking at. Also, the bark of this tree feels fucking fantastic.

As we trek through branches, Collin suggests that we get into canoes and drift on the water. Though I want to enjoy the trees, and the rock before that, and the “colourful plates of softness” before that, the notion of stillness excites me. Finally, these boys might stop like me and be on my level of appreciation. I’m game.

“We should bring the fishing rod!”

“WHAT? WHY?” I don’t understand. I’m angry. Infuriated. In this case, fishing rods are for entertainment. Entertainment is for the bored. Are they bored? Do they feel a need for their time to be occupied by something more than the blast of vibrancy radiating around us? More than the ecstasy inflating within us? 

I end up in a canoe with Malvin. He keeps paddling. And he doesn’t stop talking. Once.

“Look at us! Men! On a trip! In the wilderness! Strong men!” He dips his hands into the water and looks at them with wide eyes. “Woah! Look at these hands! Strong hands! Man hands!”     

It seems he’s trying to convince himself that he’s strong more than he actually believes it. He seems in a rush. He seems like he’s trying to go somewhere. That he’s looking for something. He keeps paddling. What’s he looking for?

He comments about maps, and time again, and the science of psychedelics, and all the knowledge he has acquired about the topic. And I don’t give a flying shit about any of it. I just know that I’ve never seen such a sublime sky in my entire life.

He lathers repellent cream on. He checks his phone for time again. He contemplates the direction we came from. It seems like he’s trying to remain in control — that he’s trying to operate the inoperable. He is staying tightly within his own body, as tightly as he held his machete now between his legs; he is refusing to free his mind.    

As we connect to the other boat with Ned and Collin, and as the two canoes drift in the middle of Algonquin Park’s Burnt Island lake, I melt into the floor more completely than the previous rock. I feel sedated as we float on the clear water. We drift gently on the reflective calmness. The horizon is ignited with golden rays. Lights flash past my peripherals. Tranquility grows inside me, and thankfulness for this current moment is more powerful than any thought or any word that could escape my lips. Why talk when nothing needs to be said? 

The boys keep chattering.

“You guys want a jay?” Malvin asks.

“Light it up!” calls Collin; he was mumbling to himself moments before.

Why do they constantly want more? I can tell just by looking at them that the shrooms are kicking in full-throttle, yet they still feel a need for something more. Another drug. Another activity. They can’t be still or silent for one second.

“I feel confined here, we need to keep moving,” says Malvin, after the joint is killed.      

Confined? I feel more unrestricted than ever. I can float in this boat all day.

A persistent black fly circles my head. It reminds me of Malvin.

“Collin!” I call, sitting up to look at him as he giggles in the golden light. “If you were to get in a boat with me, would you be able to drift here all day?” In this moment it’s more than a question; I’m convinced that this simple inquiry will expose the complexity of my best friend’s psychology, his compatibility with my mind.

He looks down to the lake to think about it. “That’s hard to say man… I keep getting distracted by other thoughts…”

Malvin starts paddling back to shore and I lie back down on the canoe.

I remember reading something in a book once. It suggested that heaven or hell isn’t only a place you go after you die but also a continuous state of existence when you’re alive. I feel like I’m in heaven. I think when John Lennon and Paul McCartney wrote the words “Let it be,” they were in heaven, too. I remember reading in that same book that hell is a state where people never find what they are looking for. A domain where they will keep searching but are never satisfied. Always hungry and never fed. Incapable of seeing the heaven around them.

I guess some people will spend their entire lives looking for something that will never be found. Some people will just continue paddling, and never enjoy the stillness of drifting in absolute contentment.

Most people aspire towards immediacy. As is commonly pointed out, people strive for excess. Excess wealth. Excess belongings. Excess power of status. Excess intoxication. But they want it all right away. Each goal is only a conquest that leads to another. These people will never find what they are looking for. And they will never be as satisfied as I am right now. Because of this, I feel that these people are trapped in a mindset like hell.

When we get back to our campsite’s shore, Malvin starts talking about how he’s going to gather wood to build a fire, and how he’ll cook food, and that he wants to charge his phone with the portable charger, and that he wants to keep moving. The black fly buzzes.

I sit up to look at him. “What are you looking for?” I ask, after the boat hits the shore. It’s the first thing I’ve said aloud in a while.     

He looks at me, confused.        

“You’re looking for something,” I say. “What’re you looking for?”

“I…uh…I don’t know. Just get out and straddle for me. I want to find my lighter.”

After I get up, I regain control of my body — though I almost fall as I get out of the boat. It’s as if I’m resettling within a physical manifestation. My body and mind are old friends that have been inseparable since birth, but on that canoe ride they just drifted in different directions.

When everyone is back on the campsite the boys begin gathering wood to build a fire. I don’t know why they need one. The weather is perfectly warm. We have plenty of food left in the barrel that doesn’t need to be cooked. Don’t get me wrong, I love a good fire. But they seem frantic about it. Desperate. 

“Hey boys, I’m going for a walk. There’s no need to look for me.”

I get some thumbs up.

That’s when I walk away from the city boys and find a spot to sit in the wilderness alone. I finally feel safe, and I feel like I can control my jarring thoughts more clearly. Among the spellbinding greenery, a revelation surfaces. And it’s one that’s really quite simple. There are “Do’ers” and “Be’ers.”

Do’ers feel the need to make sense of the world. They feel an unwavering need to apply logic to every experience they encounter. They need numbers, and navigation, and categories, and promise of stability. Of strength. They need speed, and progress, and control. They need constant entertainment. Status and affirmation. Do’ers have the upper hand in society because they make up the vast majority. And they are important because they are how we develop. They build cities. They cure disease. They are essential.         

Be’ers can be Do’ers, too. (After all, if I was only a Be’er, I wouldn’t be writing this down.) But they are the rare souls that can find satisfaction among the acceleration of stimuli. They can be content when others are shaking in their seats looking for more. Sure, they still have ambitions and desires — they don’t believe in inaction at all times. Be’ers like myself can still wake at the crack of dawn, go to the gym, stress about productivity and what their role is among the complexity of their lives. They can search for greater understandings, but they can also realize that their own understandings are limited. They recognize that that’s okay.

Be’ers “do” in order to bring themselves back to their satisfied state of simply being. If they are happy, there is no need to keep moving. They know there is nowhere else they need to be. They find the most meaning when meaning is not being sought.

(Photo by Denis Lipman)

I’m not talking about physical inaction, but psychological stillness. 

I’m not praising the stoner, pizza-box-buried-couch-potatoes with no greater contribution to their existence. I’m talking about every day people who are capable of stopping in their tracks and being genuinely happy with where they are.  

Do’ers will claim to be happy by listing off all the things they’re happy about. But it will be more to convince themselves and other people that they’re happy instead of them ever actually entering a state of tranquility. They’ll smile in a photo, review a selfie, and reiterate their happiness like an endless, empty mantra. They’ll write about it in a caption...

But Be’ers understand that the length of the list does not determine the quality or quantity of their appreciations. Lists of experiences, like selfies, are most often for other minds. They’re resumes. And Do’ers are constantly looking for the next job, even when they’re already “happily” employed.

They won’t ever be able to lie on a rock and feel that there is no where else they need to be. Not when they need to sell to themselves and others that they are adequate and special.

Do’ers respond. Be’ers feel no need to fill a void; they are content with silence.

The Do’ers in my life — my parents — and the Do’ers in myself — my expectations — are preventing me from surrendering to the Be’er way. I need to do things. I need to complete courses. I have opportunities available for me this summer that can’t be ignored. I need to accomplish today what I won’t be able to tomorrow.

I believe my ultimate goal is to keep doing until I can eventually be. But I also know that throughout the process, I can be in each moment. There is nothing definite leading up. There is only this moment now. This feeling of pure satisfaction I only wish my own friends could feel too. But they’re too busy building an unneeded fire.

I want to be a writer so I can inspire Do’ers to be and Be’ers to continue being. But to be a writer and to inspire, I need to do. That is the paradox of progress, the compromise of piecing two psychologies together.

Life works best when Do’ers and Be’ers mesh together. Ideas and images would never be revealed without Be’ers and Do’ers assembling like a jigsaw. If a Be’er and and a Do’er weren’t in a canoe together today, this revelation would not be grasped so clearly. These words would not be written. Also, if it weren’t for Do’ers, I would have just lied on a rock all day like a blem fuck. 

Do’ers allow Be’ers to be in different places. 

I believe Be’ers want to be around other Be’ers and Do’ers need Be’ers to bring them back to stillness. This stillness is the key to being content. Contentment is stigmatized in modern day; it’s become a bad word. But being content doesn’t need to abolish ambitions and hopes for something greater. Rather, it will keep you happier throughout the uncertainty of your journey.

I don’t need drugs to thrust me into this state of wholehearted appreciation. I feel this way even as I begin to sober up. I’ve felt this way every time I’m back in the park, even through clear eyes and an abstemious mind. 

I want every moment to feel the same closure as a perfectly crafted sentence that explains to myself exactly what I’m feeling. But I also want to find closure and satisfaction with even what is beyond my control, what is beyond my articulation. What is beyond my pencil.

How long have I been sitting here? It’s almost dark. The sun has set.

I’m back in the world of association, categorization, and structure. But I will not let this world confine me like Malvin felt confined in the canoe those hours ago. My open-mindedness will in this and every moment look beyond the re-established walls, knowing I know nothing.

As sobriety takes hold, I want to stop thinking about what I will be and instead focus on who I am.

I realized today that so many people, even in the enhanced picturesque tranquility of Algonquin Park, are looking for something that they’ll never find.

When anxiety and hunger for more always keeps you moving, you’ll never be able to enjoy what is purely satisfactory. Some people will just keep on paddling for the perfect site, and some will accept they’re already there.

Sincerely, Mr. Naked.