#yujixmegumi

[miko-nekoo]

"Kinda Poetic..."

Summary:

Yuji Itadori has died, and Megumi realizes something about Yuji he had never thought of before…   It’s just a little bit too late for that.

Notes:

I guess this is an AU where Yuji dies, and it’s my own rendition on how Megumi feels about it/him/his death. Honestly, probably one of the saddest things I’ve ever spent time on writing. I’m not a very skilled writer, but this deff had some kick to it.

You know… I never thought that I would miss him this much. It never really occurred to me that I couldn’t save him from any possibility that this reality shoved down my throat. It’s truly a mystery in my mind how it even happened… so abruptly. I truly thought that what I was seeing was some sort of joke. Some sort of vision, some sort of shadowy figure like the ones I saw as a kid. Sadly though… it wasn’t any of those. It was indeed the truth of the matter at hand. I lost him. For good.

The only things that I really had left of him were the pictures we took of Tokyo when we went. Granted, I wasn’t really in the mood for any of it, nor did I want to have my picture taken by those two idiots. Sometimes I felt as if they were truly one brain cell smooshed into the both of them. Tied together somehow, forming two separate entities, but still remaining at one with one another. Same thoughts, same attitude towards things, same disdain about overly complicated puzzles. Kinda poetic now that I think about it. Must… must have been nice for the both of them to have had something like that. Someone like that… rather.

The other thing that I had left of him was his hoodie, you know, the red-hooded one. More of a school uniform basically, but he also liked it a lot more than his normal hoodies he wore. Before he had left the land of the living all together, and for good this time… he had laid it on my bed in my dorm room. Folded neatly, leaving the pin brightly shining in the dim moonlight. Letting the gold color seem like it was more than just a single color. Swirls and spirals of light and dark champagne, seemingly infinite in range… Going on and on, continuing with the flow of time. To me, I think he knew the whole time he was going to depart, or that he wouldn’t be able to make it through this time.

Those were the only things left of him in this world, besides my memories and his gravestone… Which, I didn’t like to visit it too often in fear of certain emotions rising up in my chest like they have been here lately. Keeping my mind focused and steady was important, and he often sidetracked my thoughts completely. Making it a bit harder to study or even go on missions. Everything, literally everything, reminds me of him. You’d think it would eventually pass, and I’d stop seeing his dumb face, but it never does. It’s hard enough to lose a friend at any given moment in time, but this for some odd reason was different.

Felt like a different kind of pain, something I’ve never been able to grasp. Death was eventually the resting place of anything that’s on this earth. It’s the outcome, the ending, the conclusion, the resolution, the beginning, you name it. It’s there, not like I wasn’t expecting it or anything like that. I knew deep down, one day I’d have to face this… I had envisioned it being less challenging. Less emotions draining from my eye sockets every night. Always happened late at night, when the whole world was completely quiet.

That’s when my mind would dance around the ideas I’ve concocted up. The ways I could have saved him from this fate, the way I could have been the one to leave for good, the way maybe someone else would’ve handled it. Gojo-Sensei always told people that ‘Love is the most twisted curse of all’, but honestly speaking? I feel like it’s more or less the misfortune that comes from knowing death that’s a bit more twisted. More curse-like I guess. Sure, love is love and all... Love can easily be taken away, or used wrongfully, or sacrificed for the greater good, making it a massive curse for someone to end up handling, sure. Whatever. But… death? Death is ultimately the most twisted curse of all.

If you really think about it, like sit down and contemplate it for a moment. MOST of the curses we exorcise are formed from negative human emotions and have some soft connection with death. For example, It could be a curse that was made from, I don’t know, the fear of humans themselves. Humans, generally speaking… usually form some sort of fear of death in their lifetime. So, it’s only natural to assume that THAT would be a powerful curse in itself. Or, another example, is like… a curse that sprung to life from the fear of something small, like spiders. WHY do we fear spiders? Well, for the most part people think about a spider and immediately think of the ones that can kill you, with just a single bite. Resulting in, you guessed it, death.

It’s unfortunate that something like that can wield that much power over the top of the food chain. Kind of ironic. Something that small… something that insignificant, can make the largest difference in this world. Then again… maybe unfortunate isn’t the right word… because if the spider didn’t have a way of defending itself, or killing its prey, it would cease to exist. If humans didn’t fear death like they often do, maybe there would be too many of us at one time? Or maybe we would lose the ability to have that fear of death. Resulting in something that no Jujutsu sorcerer could handle. It’s rather cruel how that always plays out, for anyone on this retched planet.

I am often sick and tired of these thoughts bouncing between the corners of my mind late at night, when I really should be resting. Resting my mind took a lot to do though, it was as tedious as ending a wildfire spread across a whole state, or even continent. Constantly burning everything that inhabits it, spewing out flames of anger and the greedy ways it takes and takes… till there is absolutely nothing left for it to steal. I mean, eventually… in that case at least, the ground will remain dirt and things will once again grow and become what they once were.

In my case however, it doesn’t work like that. I haven’t really been telling anyone that I’ve been struggling with things since he has passed, but that’s sort of a given. Considering the first time it happened, I barely knew the guy. Shit, I barely knew him when I ‘saved’ him from dying in the very beginning of our… friendship. Instinctively knowing somehow, that he was a good-hearted person. The type of people I wanted to keep in my life. The only type of people that inspired me. Only type of people that I held higher than my own self.

Funny thing about all of this is that I never understood why I cared SO much about it. About him, I mean… I couldn’t really place my finger on what was causing me to be affected so badly. Entirely too much time has been spent thinking about him, and how things went. Entirely too much time wasted… Occasionally, very rarely, I would end up at his gravestone holding a couple pictures of us in the dead of night with a tiny little candle. Lighting it in his honor. You know, the polite thing to do… something he would’ve done for me, maybe?

No, I’m pretty certain it isn’t a maybe. I’m sure he would do the same for me. He’d probably do the same for anyone he was friends with hell, even anyone he barely knew. He was so loving and kind-hearted that I couldn’t comprehend his level of thinking sometimes. He may not have been the most talented man, academically, but … when it came to emotional standpoints, or whatever, he sailed to the top in the charts of it all. Pushing past anyone else I’ve ever known. No one else, truly, has caused this much discomfort in my existence.

Put a massive crack in what I thought held me together. It’s fine though, someone once told me that somewhere in this world, people used to use gold to seal up the cracks in pottery. Making it into a seemingly beautiful piece of art. I sometimes think that’s what happened with us… to me. If anything, I have become a completely different person from experiencing Yuji Itadori. All in all, I can see the difference at least.

I usually end my nights reading a book or two, escaping from reality for just a second… but, tonight, I think I will go to his gravestone and hang out for a bit. Just to speak to him again, to pretend that I’m not talking to a slab of concrete and pebbles… pretend that he will reply to me, in his own little way of sarcasm or positivity. Maybe he could explain to me why he did everything that he did in the long run… why he bothered with someone like me? Maybe I’ll leave something there this time, to show him that I’m still here, still thinking about him… I guess.

Hopefully, he would be able to see it from wherever he is. Or feel it from the overbearing amount of emotion I have seeing the thing I’m going to leave there. I just wanted him to realize that even though he cared so deeply for other people, even though he showed it all the way to the end of his existence, even if he never saw it within himself… I just want him to realize that I felt it. I wasn’t numb to it…

I should’ve… I should… I should have told him how he made me feel. Deep down, I think he knew… least I hope he truly did. Something about it all… These days, I try to smile more, laugh more, and I try so hard to help anyone I come across. Just as he did. I can’t show my emotions like most of everyone can, I can barely comprehend them half the time. I just… wish I could’ve taken back every ounce of criticism I had given him about how much he cared… Every single second I wasted thinking he was a nuisance. It wasn’t out of hatred or anything, it was probably more likely out of spite for the stupid reason I couldn’t be happy like he could.

Maybe it was instilled in my brain as a man that I couldn’t show someone the absolute horrifyingly large amount of happiness I had, the insanely tall pedestal I placed them upon. I could never be inferior enough to tell another person that. It would show ‘weaknesses" and the inability to keep myself grounded. All in all, it’s a pretty unintelligent way of bringing up a kid, in my opinion… I thought of it more or less of a way to protect myself, maybe. Keep me from going down the dangerous path that he did. One where he kept his emotional displeasure… or pleasure, on his sleeves.

I didn’t know what to say when I ended up going to the gravestone tonight. I probably re-read the words etched into it, over and over again thousands of times.

“Beloved grandson, irreplaceable friend, and loyal Jujutsu Sorcerer”

It wasn’t that I really needed to say anything though, no one was going to hear it. Just me hearing my voice alongside the wisps of the cold front coming in, and occasional clink of wind chimes. Felt needed… I wasn’t even expecting a response. As I read the gravestone out loud to myself, the harsh reality of his life slowly kicked in. Gojo-Sensei had told me about a friend of his that Jujutsu society had failed, due to relentlessly using him, more than likely there’s more to that… but I think that’s partially the reason why he’s so strongly opposed to younger Jujutsu sorcerers doing dirty work constantly for the higher ups and the shit they throw down our throats, even if we aren’t even that powerful… I used to think it was nonsense and he was just a spoiled man, but I think I get it now.

He meant in a sense that his friend had their youth stolen from them, society in itself is bad enough, but when you are a literal tool for the ‘government’ to use, it becomes a whole lot uglier. His friend apparently had done some cruel things in response to all this, and did things that Gojo-Sensei could’ve never pictured him doing. Ended up dying at a young age over the whole thing too. I wasn’t one to ask for details, so who knows what else… All in all, Gojo-Sensei lost someone dear to him, because they couldn’t let off for a half-fucking-second and let someone rest. Let someone live, like they should live when they are that young.

The wind stopped flowing for a minute and as I tried to hold myself together for another unbearable moment. I hadn’t realized that every time the wind chimes clinked together, another tear would fall from my eyes. The way it would travel down my cheeks, causing the brief chill down my spine to appear. Causing me to realize something I had hidden deeply within myself. As I glanced to the picture I was holding. It wasn’t a fond memory of mine or anything, but we had gone to a Cafe somewhere and had our picture taken by a maid working there.

It was just a silly picture to me, and he had lost it at some point. Later on Gojo-Sensei had given it to me, and I ended up keeping it in a small drawer. In the picture, we are wearing these little ‘angel-like’ costume type things together. He had his usual dumb little smile on his face, and I wasn’t particularly happy looking. He placed his hand on my shoulder and held his other hand up towards the maid and in front of me sort of, creating a shape with their hands. A heart to be exact… My heart ached. It felt as if the arteries were bursting at the seams, releasing painful poison into my veins. Slowly causing me to become a bit number… a bit colder. A little amount of time passed as I was feeling this weird sensation, when It finally grabbed my attention. Everything I had been feeling since he left me, made sense.

I loved him, didn’t I…? How else would I possibly explain to anyone else that I felt this distraught over him? It doesn’t make any sense why I’m realizing this now, staring at this god awful picture of us… but, I loved Yuji. The tears were becoming more rapid and felt more purposeful as I stared at the photograph. I know I didn’t look happy, but I was. I was so content in that moment, even though we weren’t doing anything special, he was there with me. Alive. He had a fucking pulse, god damnit. I gripped the photograph like it was going to disappear any second if I looked away from it. Held it to my chest like it was worth millions of dollars, like I didn’t want to drop it. I couldn’t drop it.

Is this what it’s supposed to feel like when someone who you love dies? Is this what heartache feels like….? I thought I knew what heartache was, being surrounded by it damn near constantly and all… maybe it slipped from my knowledge? Maybe I forgot how to feel it? Now it’s back? Or… or have I just never loved someone quite like that…? Did he really, truly, make me feel unapologetically happy…? When I think about it, I know he tried to make me laugh a lot. He always made horrible dad jokes or tried cheering me up on bad days and such… but did he feel the same way….? Or was he just being nice to me…?

I … don’t think I’ll ever get the chance of knowing that answer now. I guess… I guess that’s what I get for not proving to him that even though he didn’t feel like much, he meant the whole world to some people. To me. He changed my life, for better or for worse, he changed it so easily. Like it was almost natural for him to appear in someone’s life and turn them into a brighter star shining in the night sky. More noticeable, stronger willed, more… seen. More loved than before.

I held my head down, staring at his smile, as the tears fell from my eyes like the snow was falling around me. The painfully loud thumps they made as they hit the photograph, against the harsh and cold quiet of the night. I felt as if my lungs couldn’t empty enough to keep up with my sobs. They were quiet sobs, even though I felt as if I was screaming into the vast void of pain. I did this to myself, I know I did. Knowing that, didn’t ease any of the pain though. What would he have done if he knew how I felt…? Would he have stayed that night, far from the danger we went headfirst into? I guess I shouldn’t think like that… past is the past as most would say.

I lifted my head, staring at his gravestone once more, glancing down at the messy rubble and dirt in the shape of a coffin. His body wasn’t in there of course, but that is where we all decided to bury his ashes… I looked at his name, etched forever in that grey stone. The intricate little scrapes and stab marks, the detail of the cursive was so impressive. Intricately designed to be unique in every universe. No one else’s grave would ever be just like it. No one could ever replace it either… no one was like him, no one felt as much as he did.

I would never feel his pulse, ever again. Never hear his voice. Never get the chance to tell him. Never hold his hand. Never hit him upside the head every time he dumbly spaced-out during missions. Never correct his English homework. Never attempt to tutor him for an important math quiz. Never stare into those eyes. Never ask him why he was in my room at 3am on a school night. Never feel him lean on my shoulder as he fell asleep on the train. Never….

When I finally broke the silence of the world around me softly speaking….Embodying the type of voice you think of hearing when someone sounds like they are speaking of a nostalgic moment in their life. Kind of speaking from the heart and soul… I gently smiled up at the deep, dark indigo sky… as the snow fell all around me, as if it was just me alone in this world… speaking into the night air, keeping the image of us in my mind. The image of that stupid picture I had held close to my heart. Lighting a sweet smelling incense, and placing the picture of us as angels under a small rock on top of his gravestone, I quietly spoke as if I were speaking to him once again…

“You were never made to wear a halo this early in life, Yuji…”

——

Maybe love is the most twisted curse of them all.

[hope you enjoyed.

sorry, not sorry.]

[nanamis-left-eye]

People who are mad about YujixMegumi seriously need to grow the fuck up why do I see you cunts in the comments of EVERY Itafushi edit or post “ItS BeCoMiNg ThE bNhA fAnDoM😭💔😔🥀🖤” yeah it’s becoming like that because you homophobes just can’t keep your fucking mouths shut oh my god WHO THE FUCK CARES?! Is someone shipping a perfectly reasonable ship affecting you physically? No? Then shut the fuck up and move the fuck on this fandom is honestly WORSE than the BNHA fandom and that’s insane the most homophobic and hateful fandom I have EVER seen in my entire life. No one is forcing you to like or ship them but you don’t need to state your opinion in a Itafushi post because I assure you none of those people give a fuck what you think 🤗 mkay? You don’t need to attack or send death threats to people who do ship it because that’s a literal crime and I hope they get your ass. If someone reading this has had someone threaten them I strongly suggest showing it to the police perhaps even find the person’s job/school and show them the message if it ruins their life that’s on them 🤷‍♂️ should’ve minded their business and shut the fuck up.

[9741ko]

YujixMegumi for the ship meme? ouo

ship bingo uwu

[yuukri]

maybe i’m writing a jujutsu kaisen viginette romangst fanfic, maybe i’m just projecting my fear of vulubrability and abandonment on megumi