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exmartialgod · 12 days ago

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Kai doesn’t want to do this.

He has never been fond of the idea of killing, even as a small child. Kai has an excellent memory; he remembers his first days of training, the confusion, the pain, the fear. He never wanted to be a killer, even when he was too young to understand the gravity of death.

His hands are shaking. Kai tries to force his thoughts to cooking, fighting to envision himself in a kitchen, food sizzling on the stove…

He fails. His anxious thoughts keep coming back. How can he possibly take someone’s life today? Kai has never liked death, but now every corpse looks like his brother’s. The scent of blood always brings him back to that island where Sei died. Kai’s breathing picks up. How will he survive this? How will he kill someone? How will he do this alone?

Once, Kai could have gone to his father for advice, but those days died with Sei. Now, Father avoids the house where his dead son once lived like the plague, burying himself in his work until he has no excuse to keep him from returning home. Kai doesn’t know where he is now, but it’s not here. He hasn’t seen his father in four days.

The silence of the house is suffocating. It was never this quiet when Sei was alive. If only Sei were here... Kai wants nothing more than to ask his big brother for advice; he would know what to do. Sei was never afraid of killing people. Kai would even say he might’ve enjoyed it.

Kai isn’t stupid. He knows he should have been the one to die in that trial. He sees it in the way his father looks at him. He catches himself beginning to envy his brother again, and quickly shakes his head to clear the thought. How horrible, to be jealous of his dead brother.

Certainly now that he’s older than Sei will ever be.

Kai swallows hard, his throat painfully dry. The seconds are slipping away—the house is so silent, he can hear the clock’s soft ticking. Sei always hated that sound. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries again to imagine himself in the kitchen, the counters freshly cleaned and shining. What is he making? It smells like fried eggs, and—

“The hell’s the matter with you?”

Kai opens his eyes and sighs in disappointment at the sight of his dead brother. Of course he would show up now. He’d tried so hard not to think about him too much—

“Hel looo ?” Sei snaps his fingers in front of Kai’s face, pouting when he realizes it won’t make sound. Forever just short of thirteen years, Sei finally has to look up to meet his little brother’s eyes.

“Sei.” Kai frowns. “Now isn’t a good time.” It’s not Sei’s fault. After all, he’s dead, and currently a figment of Kai’s imagination. His brother isn’t in the room with him; he’s six feet underground, decaying. But Kai has never been able to cope well with Sei’s death, despite witnessing it firsthand.

Kai has clearly offended his dead brother, judging by the hateful glare. “Sei—”

“Every time it’s the same shit!” It’s too late. Sei has already begun his angry rant, and now there’s no stopping him. Kai sighs, resigned to his fate. “‘Now isn’t a good time’, ‘this isn’t healthy’, this isn’t real’, what-fucking- ever ! It’s like you don’t even miss me.”

“ Are you real?” Kai inquires.

Sei stops for a moment, gaping. “The hell’s your problem?? Am I real ?”

“It was only a question, Sei—”

“Am I real ?” Sei repeats in disbelief, muttering.

“Where is Father?” Kai interrupts. Sei stops to stare at him as if he’s grown a second head.

“Fuck if I know. Not like I’ve been talkin’ to him, been a bit busy being dead—”

“A real ghost would know,” Kai says superiorly.

“When did you become an expert on ghosts?” Sei crosses his arms, and Kai hesitates.

“If you aren’t simply my imagination, tell me something I don’t know.”

“There’s a lotta things I know that you don’t.” Sei looks around the room, eyes falling on a small, faded stain. “When we were kids, I spilled some shit on the clean carpet and blamed you, how’s that?”

Kai gasps. “I knew that was you! How could you…??”

Sei shrugs. “Anyway, what’s up with you? How come this is such a bad time?”

Kai frowns, his spirits falling. “I… I have a job to do, soon.”

His brother lights up, in stark contrast to Kai’s somber mood. “You’re gonna go out and do real assassin shit??” He takes Kai’s miserable silence as confirmation and starts bouncing in place. He makes no sound, a heavy reminder that none of this is real. Tears threaten to spill, and Kai closes his eyes for a moment to regain his composure. As comforting as his brother’s imagined presence may be, the realization that he’s still dead always hits Kai just as hard as it did the first time. Soon, Sei will vanish and Kai will be left alone again, in this silent house.

“Ouch!” Kai opens his eyes just in time to dodge the second kick. “Sei…!!”

“Shouldn’t hurt.” Sei aims another kick at him. “Since I’m not real .”

“Sei…” Kai pouts. “I didn’t mean to offend you— that hurts , Sei—” He tries to step out of his reach, but his brother only advances on him. “Big brudder?” he tries.

Sei halts his kicking, and Kai sighs in relief, his abused leg stinging. There is silence between them for a moment, and Kai becomes hyperaware of the passage of time once more. The precious seconds are speeding by; soon, he will have to leave, and Sei will disappear.

“Big brudder,” he begins carefully, “what does it… feel like?”

“What does what feel like?” Sei rolls his eyes.

Kai hesitates. “To kill.” He’s not sure if the imaginary Sei can offer him quality advice, but he clings to this delusion for as long as he can.

Sei shrugs. “Good, I guess? Didn’t really feel like anything, I was just tryna win.”

Kai goes quiet for a moment. “You should have won.”

A long, heavy silence. “...Yeah, well. Doesn’t matter what shoulda happened. I’m dead and you’re not.”

“I wish I was.” The words slip out unexpectedly; he’s never said them aloud before. Who would he tell?

Sei scoffs. “No, you don’t.”

A small spark of fury ignites in Kai at his brother’s patronizing tone. What does he know? “Yes, I do.”

“You don’t.” Sei is calm, unbothered. “It’s lonely.”

Tears are spilling down Kai’s face. “I’m sorry.” It’s all he can say. Words are useless. Nothing will bring his brother back.

Sei shrugs. He won’t meet Kai’s eyes. “Don’t die. Would really suck if I got myself killed for nothing.”

Kai nods rapidly, wiping his tears away. He doesn’t want to know the punishment for being late, but the idea of leaving pains him. He knows his brother won’t be here when he comes back. He’s rotting alone in the ground, and Kai is alive.

He squeezes his eyes shut, and when he opens them, Sei has vanished. Kai never knows when he’ll be back, if he ever will be. His delusions don’t obey him.

The house is silent once more.

He hopes Father will be waiting for him when he returns home.

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zomblitz · 2 years ago

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