Soliloquy
After the true end, Kel IMs Sunny every day. Sunny never replies. Which is totally fine. Kel definitely doesn't have any complicated feelings about it.
Sunny isn’t answering Kel’s IMs. Which is fine, obviously. Except that Kel is maybe taking it a little harder than he should.
The funny thing is, it’s really not that different from their usual. Hanging with Sunny always meant that Kel was going to do a lot of talking, and would only occasionally hear a reply. But that never felt hard. Probably because in person, Sunny has a million ways of talking without talking. He tilts his head and blinks, or he raises an eyebrow and smirks. If you do something really dumb, you might even win the honor of his smallest, fondest smile, the one that starts in his eyes and then works its way out. Sunny doesn’t say much, but it’s not ‘cause he doesn’t have anything to say. He just says it through touch and tone and timbre; the slump of his shoulders and the crease of his eyes.
—Not eyes. Eye. Sunny only has the one now. But the memory makes Kel's throat feel tight, so he mostly tries not to think about it.
(…Sunny always had such pretty eyes. Wide and round and dark, like looking out the kitchen window at night and making eye contact with a deer. Is that weird to say? Kel doesn’t mean it in a weird way. Some things are just true. It would be weird if you knew Sunny and didn't notice how pretty his eyes were. With the emphasis on were, past tense. Because now it’s just eye, singular. Not that Sunny’s remaining eye isn’t still—
No, okay, you know what? Kel is just gonna call it there.)
The point is, even when they were little—back when Sunny didn’t really look anyone in the eye, except for Mari—you could always see him listening. At least, you could if you knew him well enough to know how it looked.
Back when Hero started bringing Kel along to Mari’s house, Sunny almost never spoke. For what felt like ages but was probably a few weeks, Kel wasn’t sure if Sunny could hear him at all, or if he was just, like… sleepwalking. With his eyes open. And a sketchbook in his hands.
It wasn’t until Kel was trying to teach Hector how to pull him on a sled that Sunny finally opened his mouth.
“You need a carrot.”
Kel whipped around so fast it almost knocked him over. “Huh???”
Sunny—who’d been resting in the shade of a tree, seemingly dead to the world—turned his notebook around to show Kel what he’d been drawing. “Like this.”
Kel’s mouth fell open. There was Hector, and there was the sled, and there was—something like a fishing rod tied to the back of Hector’s head, with a big cartoon-y dog bone on the end of the line. “Woah!!! What!!! You’re such a good drawer!!!”
Sunny reddened. “Mari’s better.”
“Yeah, ‘cause she’s a million years old!!!” Kel tapped the page, smearing it with Cheeto dust. “You think we can make this??”
Sunny brushed the dust carefully off the paper and frowned at the little smudge of grease it left behind. “Yes.”
“Show me show me show me!!!!”
Tragically, Hero showed up and set Hector free before Kel got the chance to ride his chariot into traffic. Visionaries are never recognized in their time. But at least now Kel knew Sunny for what he was. A genius. Like Inspector Gadget, except without the robot dog and the cool extend-o arms. Unless maybe Sunny could draw up a blueprint for those, too. Kel would have to ask him tomorrow.
###
Unfortunately, now that Sunny is living in a whole ‘nother city, there aren’t a lot of ways to talk without talking. Phones are out, obviously. But even AIM is mostly just words. There’s smileys and stuff, but… does Sunny even know about those? Sunny locked himself away back when the Internet was really only good for Neopets and Homestar Runner.
Kel heaves a sigh and casts around for something in his life that's worth talking about. There isn’t much. Kel’s only real talent is being exceptionally unexceptional.
sunnnyyyyy!!!
hows life in the big city??
ru a cool city guy yet?? introduced yrself to the local cats??
bet city cats r waaayyy tuffer than the strays we get round here
lucky 4 u, ur even tuffer than them ;D
….…Radio silence.
It’s fine. Obviously. It’s obviously totally fine. Sunny doesn’t like to talk with words, so how could Kel expect him to chat with text? Text is just words all dressed up for a job interview. But with bonus permanence, so none of the stupid shit you say ever gets to disappear. (Kel would know. He can see the whole pathetic history of his unanswered messages, line after boring, annoying fucking line.)
Kel is the one who’s being unreasonable. He knows what Sunny’s like. And that was before all the trauma. Of course Sunny’s all twisted up, after everything he went through. Taking it personally would be, like, ridiculously selfish. This isn’t about Kel. It’s not about anyone but Sunny. Kel shouldn’t let it get to him.
And he wouldn’t, except that it all feels sort of… familiar.
(But. Uh. Not in a good way.)
Because yeah, Sunny finally opened his door, and of course Kel is over the moon about it. But it’s not like that was the first time Kel came knocking.
The first time Kel came knocking was the day they buried Mari.
Kel had never felt so helpless. He wanted to be there for Hero, but Hero stared through him like he wasn’t even there. He wanted to be there for Sunny, but Sunny didn’t even come to the funeral. So maybe no one actually wanted Kel to be there.
After the service, he found himself on Sunny’s porch. The front door was locked. The back door might have been unlocked, but Kel wasn’t— He didn’t want to go through the back door.
“Sunny?” he called hoarsely. He knocked a few more times. “Are you there? I’m. I just…”
He trailed off. There wasn’t anything to say.
He just— He didn’t understand. Hadn’t Mari known how much Hero needed her? Hadn’t she known that Sunny would be lost without her? Or was that why she did it? If she was really so tired of being leaned on, couldn’t she have just asked them to stop? It might have hurt a little, but not like this. Not this endless, sinking cold. Like drowning on dry land.
“You don’t have to say anything,” Kel whispered, leaning his forehead against the door. “I just. I wanted… I don’t know.”
This was stupid. Kel was being stupid. If Sunny wanted someone to talk to, he would open the door. If Sunny didn’t want to grieve alone, he would have gone to the funeral.
“Just… you know where to find me,” Kel finished lamely. “I’ll, uh. See you in school, I guess.”
But Sunny didn’t come back to school.
Probably Sunny still needed to be alone. A good friend would give him space.
Kel managed to be a good friend for a whole three days before he broke.
“Sunny?” he called, knocking quietly. Then he knocked a few more times. Probably too many times, at this point.
…Maybe Sunny just wasn’t listening? But Kel had thought that plenty of times before, and Sunny always was.
Kel chewed on the inside of his cheek. If only he could peek at his sketchbook, like he used to when Sunny didn’t feel like talking. No matter how much it seemed like Sunny wasn’t paying attention, whatever Kel was talking about always wound up splashed across the page.
“I hope you come back soon,” he said quietly, to Sunny’s door. Probably too quiet for Sunny to hear, but Kel had thought that before, too. “School is boring. Stupid Mr. Reyes can’t make it into stories, like—” —like Mari can, he’d almost said. Stupid. “...So I can’t make it stick. I’m probably gonna flunk the stupid midterm.” The teachers were still being nice about What Happened, but Kel knew it wouldn’t last. What was he supposed to do if Sunny didn’t come back before their social studies test?
(…What if Sunny never came back?)
Kel pushed the thought away. It was stupid. And he didn’t want to think it.
“Anyway. I brought your homework, so. I’ll just… leave it out here, I guess? I’m putting it under a rock so it won’t blow away. You can just, um, come get it when you’re not—” Drowning. Lost in yourself. Suffocated by grief. “...as busy. So, uh… See you soon!!”
He tried to make his voice sound as cheerful as he could. Even to him, it just sounded fake.
###
Three weeks have passed since Sunny moved away. Three weeks, and Kel has yet to see a lick of evidence that Sunny’s alive, much less okay.
He gnaws on the inside of his cheek and sends Sunny a string of pizza emojis, one slice after another.
hey buddy!!! took a leaf outta ur book & took a part-time gig @ ginos!!!
[ronaldmcdonald.jpg]
the uniform def looked better on u tho -_-
my 1st delivery i got to teh house & i stg the lady opens the door all like, oh ur early! the partys around back!
so i get back there & suddennly i got a swarm of kids asking for balloon animals
AND SNNNYY
I SHIT U NOT
SHE THOUGHT I WAS THE CLOWN THEY HIRED 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡
…Nothing.
Kel stares blankly at their AIM chat, a long line of blue bubbles that go all the way to the top of the screen. What he wants to ask is, Are you remembering to eat? But he can’t think of a way to say it that Sunny will actually answer, and he’s not sure he can bear another week of deafening silence in response to a question that basically amounts to, Hey, are you currently, *actively* dying?
The last time Kel saw him, Sunny was already skin and bones. That's the most vivid memory Kel has of him, now: the doorknob twisting with a rusted screech, and the hinge groaning as the door creaked back, and then Sunny staring out, looking like he must weigh at least 40 pounds less than he did when he was fucking twelve. Kel remembered Sunny being tall, but this Sunny barely came up to his clavicle. Sunny's hair was greasy and his eyes were dull and his skin was so blue-pale as to look strangely swollen, like rotting fruit. He was so small and so withered. Like an orange you forgot at the bottom of your backpack for four years, till it hardened into a dried-up little stone. Too hungry to live, but too sour to rot. Just… lost.
Kel knows one thing for sure: he can’t trust Sunny’s mom to handle it. Bluntly, he can’t trust Sunny’s mom as far as he can fucking throw her.
Sunny’s parents always turned out for Mari’s achievements. Debate competitions, softball tournaments, graduation ceremonies awarding plaques of academic excellence… Ruka Suzuki was always in the front row. But she never showed up like that for Sunny. She never seemed to understand that her son was just as special, just… not so much in the ways that are recognized by the public school curriculum.
But if Sunny’s mom won’t do it, who is making Sunny eat? Or is it still just no one?
It was the same after Mari’s funeral.
For a few days, nothing Kel did felt real. It was like he was watching himself from above. Controlling his body remotely, like a mech pilot or something. ‘Press A to get out of bed.’ ‘Press B to put on your clothes.’ ‘Press X to bring your brother a plate of food that he isn’t going to eat.’ Even when he locked himself in the shower and cried, he couldn't be sure that it was him who was doing it.
Kel’s parents let him grieve for a week, and then they made it clear that it was time for him to finish grieving and go back to school. And in all that time, Kel hadn’t once seen a car pull into Sunny’s drive.
It was… weird. And sort of worrying? ‘Cause as far as Kel knew, Sunny was still in there. After sunset, he could see the light turn on in Sunny’s bedroom window. Sometimes he even saw a shadow flash across the glass. But no one was going in or out. So who was buying groceries? Or was it just no one?
When Mari was alive, she’d sometimes had to remind Sunny to eat. After Basil joined the group, he took up the cause, too, piling food on Sunny’s plate and staring until Sunny rolled his eyes and took a bite. Kel had never been as good at remembering that sort of thing, but even he’d figured out that he wasn’t allowed to swipe food from Sunny’s plate. (Even if Sunny did take a million years to finish.)
So obviously someone had to make Sunny eat. But there wasn’t much Kel could do from the wrong side of a locked door.
When his mom called him down for dinner, he took a plate up to Hero and then trotted back down to the kitchen, where he snuck half his meal into the tupperware hiding in his lap. He didn’t really want to talk about it, so he waited till his parents were asleep before he slipped outside and padded over to Ma— To Sunny’s porch.
“Sunny,” he hissed, as loud as he dared while still being very quiet. “Are you in there?”
Nothing. So… business as usual. It’d only been a week, but it was already starting to feel uncomfortably normal.
“I, um. I just. I didn’t…”
He trailed off. It didn’t matter what he said. It’s not like anyone was listening.
“Look, I’m— I brought you food,” he tells the door. “I guess I’ll just leave it out here. Or—no, I’ll slip it through the window. I know you’re not…” Opening that door, ever, for any reason, apparently. “Sorry. Just. There’s food.”
It takes a little effort to pry open the side-window with the broken lock, but this is not Kel’s first rodeo. He crnch–screeeches it up a few inches and slides the meal tray through the gap.
When he drops by before school the next morning, there’s still no sign of Sunny. But the food is gone. The plate shines on the other side of the glass, stark white and totally licked clean.
Oh, Kel realizes, grinning bigger than he has in weeks. I’m never gonna get that plate back, am I?
Somehow, he can’t bring himself to mind.
###
For once, Kel actually has something to write about.
suuuuuunnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyy
i’ve got an away game this weekend!!!!
nothin fancy but iff we win htis one and the next one AND the one after that, we get to go to regionals which isssss…..
drumroll plz 🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁
IN THE CITY!!!
so u could totally come!!! (if u wanted)
OR if thats to much i could just come over after and hang
prolly not gna happen cuz tbh we are… prob not gonna win the next 3 games….. but who knows!!!
so, ynknow. wish me luck :p
Sunny’s little AIM icon turns green, showing that he’s online. Kel’s eyes lock onto the screen like a PI on a stakeout. Seconds turn to minutes.
Sunny’s icon turns red.
Ha ha… Ouch.
No, Kel doesn’t mean that. He’s just being selfish again. This is totally fine. It’s classic, textbook Sunny. What’s the opposite of nostalgic? ……Traumatic?
Nah, that can’t be it. Kel isn’t traumatized. He’s just a little bummed out. And bored. And probably a tiny bit lonely. ‘Cause he loves all his friends, and of course that includes the new ones, but.
(But Sunny was his best friend.)
###
After the first game of his freshman year, Kel found himself on Sunny’s porch.
He hadn’t been coming around as much lately. Probably ‘cause Sunny had never once opened the door, or given any sign that he was even alive in there.
There was no point in knocking. Talking to Sunny’s door was sort of like talking to Mari’s tombstone: you were visiting a memory, not a person. Instead, Kel rested his palms against the door.
“Hey, Sunny,” he said quietly. “Had an away game today.”
Would Sunny have come to his games, if Mari didn’t do what she did? Sunny had never cared about basketball, but he’d cared about Kel. Or at least it had seemed like he did.
“We won,” Kel added. “Go Cardinals, haha.”
He was beyond exhausted, but it wasn’t from the game. It was just… everything.
After the win, the team went out for pizza. It should have been fun. Kel should have been fun. He was supposed to be the fun one. And everyone at the afterparty was his friend. It shouldn’t have made him feel lonely.
“It was fun,” he said, mostly trying to convince himself. “Or, I mean… My teammates are cool. I like them a lot. I just…”
He sagged forward, pressing his forehead against the door. After all these years, it wouldn’t surprise him to see a groove etched into the wood. Like marking your height on the wall, but sadder. Emotional erosion.
“I really miss you,” he said quietly. “The guys on the team are great, they’re just… It’s just different. Like the game today. We had to bus out to this prep school, and they had these huuuuge statues guarding the gate. Two big metal lions. So of course I was like, Okay, someone’s gotta climb that thing! And you know what? Not one of them dared me to do it! Lee was all, Oh, I dunno, it sounds like someone could get hurt. Which, like—yeah!! That’s kinda the point!!”
Not that Kel and Sunny had been looking to get hurt, growing up. But Sunny had always been game for whatever. Sunny wasn’t scared of anything. (Except maybe spiders. And water. And heights, sometimes.)
The point was, Sunny never let fear stop him. He'd had, like... vision. Ambition. He wanted to see everything and touch everything and climb on everything, even the things that scared him. Which was actually way braver than if he’d been fearless.
“I just miss you,” Kel whispered. “And. I guess that’s it.”
###
Being with Sunny was always just… different. ‘Cause all of Kel’s friends care about him, but—well. They laugh at him a lot, too.
Kel gets it. It’s like pro wrestling, right? The flashy play-pretend kind, not the kind that’s an actual sport. Every friend group needs a heel. The loudest and the most upbeat, tough enough to absorb everyone else’s scorn without bumming everyone out by taking it too personally.
It’s like that short story they read for English: The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelets, or whatever. They’d built this shiny, totally perfect utopia, but it only worked ‘cause they stuck some unlucky bastard in a cage for everyone else to vent their frustrations on. (Kel didn't finish the reading, but he assumes it ended very well for everyone. Except for the kid in the cage, obviously.)
Kel might be a C+ student, but he’s not a total headcase. He knows what people want from him. He’s the fun one. Comic relief. No one wants emotional complexity from the one guy they can count on to keep things light. If Kel isn’t happy, what hope is there for the rest of them?
So he gets it. He really actually does. Most days, it doesn’t even phase him. And he really does like to have a good time, so it’s not like he got typecast for no reason. But… it’s like… he’s still a person, isn’t he? No one’s happy all the time.
But Kel knows how to play his role, and he’s actually pretty good at it. (It might be the only thing he’s really good at.) So mostly he just keeps his bullshit to himself. It’s not like he has any real problems, not like everyone else he knows. It wouldn’t make sense to waste anyone’s time with his stupid little baby-problems.
Before Sunny disappeared, though… Sometimes, Kel could talk to Sunny.
Continue reading here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/45531958/chapters/115454815
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