#yowza! Family Trauma

[cynthplop]

Wow, thanks for the fast reply! Yes I'd love to dive deeper into each sibling's life, I hope I'm not alone in that regard! And don't worry, I'm not disappointed at all, your ocs your story, I'm glad with whatever you share. Speaking of, may we know a bit about their parents as well? Maybe with a family portraIt of them together when they were a bit younger? I LOVE aristocratic family portraits, especially fictional ones and your artsyle is really in my alley if that makes sense. Much appreciated

And now for my designated extremely slow reply LMAO thank you for your interest and understanding, again I can't say this enough but it means EVERYTHING ;-;

And yes, you may certainly know about the Darkest mama and papa :> let's lie in this can of worms, baby

Ok so. Usually I wouldn't go this hard on artwork for an ask bc I have SO MUCH WORK TO DO ACGHH but I've always wanted to do a family portrait of these guys anyways so here was a wonderful opportunity (thank you haha) SO. Mama and papa Darkest, Aadhya and Abraham.

They were an arranged marriage, Aadhya being chosen by the ancestor for his son, Abe, (totally not because he wanted Aadhya for himself or anything, and was a total creepazoid about designing her children, no, of course not) who at the time was a very high ranking Cultist Gladiator. They genuinely fell in love over time, but in an attempt not to scare her away and lose her, Abe kept the whole Darkest cult thing a secret, sucking her into a terrible life and being one of his greatest regrets forever.

Shortly before the birth of their first son, Abe couldn't hold back the secret anymore and informed Aadhya of his and his father's true affiliations. She was rightfully mortified at the betrayal and the knowledge that her soon to be child was stolen from her, and fell into a deep depression, barely speaking or eating, that lasted through all of her children's births, save Robin, who she favoured due to being the only one not designed by the Ancestor. (Stoking the flame of jealousy from Howard, who loved his mother very very much.)

And through the birth of every child, those many many years, Abe neglected his family due to plotting revenge against his father for what he did to them. Eventually, when Robin was about 15, he and his siblings were sent away at the order of their father to a remote cliff side house in an attempt to protect them in case his plot of vengeance went awry (spoiler: it went awry). He confronted his father, and for his efforts, got himself transformed into a Templar Warlord and cast into the bowels of the Darkest manor. With just Aadhya left, the Ancestor attempted to sway her to the cult with promises of new worlds, and new chances. She relented, desperate for any peace of mind and respite from her burden. But her lack of passion or willingness or even ability to return his affections angered the Ancestor, so he punished her by making her an anonymous acolyte doomed to worship and live alone. Sorry, Tardif accidentally kills her in the Weald OOP-

All this while Robin suffers alone at the cliff house, transformed by his siblings into what is essentially a mini Darkest Dungeon, catacombs and cultists and everything. That is, however, where he starts noticing weird things about himself (not puberty- ok maybe eldritch puberty) like wounds healing up quick, tentacle powers, really really realistic dreams of people he doesn't recognize, and a strange pull towards his old home at the Hamlet that he knows isn't homesickness. Digging through his brother Phillip's books proves a fruitful endeavour when Robin comes across a ritual to commune with an ancient, evil god. And Robin wants answers.

ANYWAYS.... that was mostly about Abe and Aadhya lmao, who are explorations on conflicting parenting. They each adore their family, but have made irredeemable mistakes in the form of neglect and favouritism. And also keeping huge cult secrets from your wife. That was really fun to type up, and thank you again for sending me asks, it really keeps me going!!!

[foxpunk]

// vent thing, int if u read

been listening to Landslide a lot lately but not in like...the context it was written in?? and more like. applying it to my own struggles, esp regarding abuse n shit. which! probs isnt entirely healthy but my minds stuck on it so hopefully spewiing it all here will get it Out of my mind for now

its a good song for like. growing past something traumatizing. esp when youre very. very young when the trauma starts (n keeps goin).

like. can definitely relate to being scared of changing cause i was forced to build my life around an abuser for most of my life. and not knowing if this Me is Really me or just. something Else something Other. not having anything solid and not really knowing who *i* am cause if you take away what i built myself around wont i just be a shell? if you strip away the fence that the vines grew around, wont they just fall and die? all i know is what im Not n what i Cant be and thats no basis for a healthy identity but thats all ive got aside from longing to be something else. acting on that longing is terrifying but i gotta take the first step if i wanna know the answer right?

and while my reflection being washed away in a landslide is terrifying, and not knowing who or what ill see looking back at me in the mirror every time i look is terrifying, and feeling like im crumbling apart and taking everything around em down with me is terrifying, and having a constantly shifting n fuckt up view of myself/my body due to abuse (on top of like, trans stuff) is terrifying, its also kinda like. it Could be uplifting if i ever took control of that landslide and decided for myself yeah enough w this im starting fresh and like a new layer of snow slowly smoothing out the previous landslide i can heal. maybe

and the whole. “mirror in the sky what is love?” not knowing what love is is!! big oof!! even now that ive surrounded myself with support i Constantly Doubt the love i give and recieve. especially the giving part. just questioning Myself cause what if im so twisted i cant really love? what if i cant give back what i get? what if im doing it wrong, what if im just hurting others, what if its not enough, what if they dont feel appreciated cause i cant love them enough or properly or Whatever the heck. constantly questioning my own ability to love and be loved because i didnt receive actual love for Fucking Decades almost and didnt grow up around a n y healthy relationships What So Ever and its! Wild! its not great!! i dont wanna do that!! i wanna be able to trust when my friends and chosen family and boyfriends tell me they love me! like Actually trust and hold onto that happy feeling it gives me, and not lose it to some!! messed up doubt every time.

and o o f “can the child in my heart rise above?” hoooo boy. wow. yowza. ouch! that line is. real big for childhood abuse. especially cause part of me always feels. Stuck back then. in my earliest memories of my abuse. which. isnt a Lot cause theres Huge gaps in my memory cause Trauma and also cause it started when i was. SuperYoung so memory retention aint great anyways. but. digress. like. can i get past this, can All of me eventually grow past this, can i ever adjust? its so scary to navigate n all so turbulent and it feels like its too much change!! but!! i Want to change and in this case the change would be towards somethng Good so even if its scary to even try i Gotta

anyways!!

if you read all that damn rip ur eyes cause my thought process was not sorted thru At All this is 100% pure vent i just spewed out n didnt stop typing til i finished cause i needed it Out of me, so it makes like, little to no sense to whoevers reading this probs cause it jumps around a fair deal

theres no conclusion to this so yeah, yee haw, bye