#youre literally just a karen where is the disconnect here.

[pink-bxxch-club]

See I think the basic issue here is nobody knows what "proship" actually means.

No Patrick, it does not mean you exclusively ship fucked up dynamics on purpose or endorse them in real life.

It means you don't give a shit, you mind your manners, and you're not a fucking fanpol nark.

Any questions?

[drkarenhawk]

Dr. Karen Hawk, Psychologist: Mindfulness Techniques to Enhance Mental Health

In today’s fast-paced world, mental health has become an increasingly important focus for many individuals. With the pressures of daily life, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed, anxious, or disconnected from ourselves. In these moments, mindfulness techniques, as promoted by experts like Dr. Karen Hawk, a skilled psychologist, can provide powerful tools for improving mental health. Mindfulness, the practice of being fully present and aware in the moment, offers a way to cultivate emotional balance, reduce stress, and improve overall well-being.

What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is more than just a buzzword; it is a practice rooted in ancient meditation traditions, particularly within Buddhism, but it has been widely adopted in modern psychology for its proven benefits. At its core, mindfulness involves paying focused attention to the present moment without judgment. It encourages individuals to observe their thoughts, feelings, and sensations in a non-reactive way, allowing them to experience life as it is without getting caught up in past regrets or future anxieties.

Dr Karen Hawk Psychologist Gilbert Arizona explains that mindfulness helps individuals develop a greater awareness of their internal experiences, which in turn can help them make more conscious choices rather than reacting impulsively. It fosters a sense of calm, enhances emotional regulation, and allows people to better manage stress and anxiety.

The Science Behind Mindfulness

Research has shown that mindfulness can have profound benefits for mental health. Studies indicate that regular mindfulness practice can reduce symptoms of anxiety, depression, and stress while improving overall emotional well-being. Dr Karen Hawk Psychologist Gilbert AZ highlights that mindfulness can literally change the brain—fostering neural connections that are linked to better emotional regulation, increased self-awareness, and improved cognitive functioning.

One key area where mindfulness has been shown to be effective is in managing the body’s stress response. When practiced regularly, mindfulness can activate the parasympathetic nervous system (the body’s relaxation response), helping to counterbalance the harmful effects of chronic stress. It can also improve attention and focus, making it easier to stay grounded in the present moment despite external pressures.

Mindfulness Techniques for Mental Health Improvement

There are many ways to incorporate mindfulness into your daily life. Dr. Karen Hawk recommends a variety of techniques to help individuals enhance their mental health, each with its own benefits. Here are some of the most effective mindfulness practices to consider:

1. Mindful Breathing

One of the simplest and most accessible mindfulness techniques is mindful breathing. Dr Karen Hawk Psychologist Gilbert suggests that taking a few moments each day to focus on your breath can significantly reduce feelings of anxiety and stress. By paying attention to each inhale and exhale, individuals can become more centered and present. This practice helps to activate the body’s relaxation response, calm the nervous system, and clear the mind of clutter.

To practice mindful breathing, find a quiet space and sit comfortably. Close your eyes and take a deep breath in through your nose, allowing your lungs to fill completely. Exhale slowly through your mouth, and repeat for several minutes. As thoughts arise, acknowledge them without judgment and gently return your focus to your breath.

2. Body Scan Meditation

A body scan meditation is another effective mindfulness technique that involves scanning your body from head to toe, paying attention to any sensations or areas of tension. This practice helps to increase awareness of your physical state and can be especially helpful for those who carry stress in their bodies, such as in the neck, shoulders, or back.

To practice a body scan, begin by lying down or sitting in a comfortable position. Start by focusing on your toes and gradually move upward, noticing any sensations you feel in each part of your body. If you notice any discomfort or tension, simply observe it without trying to change it. As you move through the body, allow yourself to release tension and deepen your connection to the present moment Dr Karen Hawk Psychologist Gilbert Arizona.

3. Mindful Eating

Mindful eating is the practice of paying full attention to the experience of eating—taking time to notice the taste, texture, smell, and visual appeal of your food. Dr. Karen Hawk notes that this practice not only enhances your relationship with food but can also improve digestion and prevent overeating. By slowing down and truly savoring each bite, you can become more attuned to your body’s hunger and fullness cues, leading to a healthier relationship with food.

To practice mindful eating, sit down at a table without distractions, such as your phone or TV. Take a moment to appreciate the food in front of you. As you eat, notice the flavors, textures, and smells. Chew slowly, paying attention to how the food feels in your mouth and how your body responds to each bite. Eating mindfully can help you reconnect with the nourishment food provides and foster gratitude for your meals.

4. Mindful Walking

Walking is an activity many people do every day, but it often becomes a mindless task. Mindful walking involves bringing your full attention to the act of walking, paying attention to each step, your surroundings, and the sensations in your body as you move. This practice helps to ground you in the present moment, offering a calming experience that can alleviate stress.

To practice mindful walking, find a quiet space, such as a park or a quiet street. Walk slowly and deliberately, focusing on each step you take. Pay attention to the movement of your legs, the feeling of your feet on the ground, and the rhythm of your breath. If your mind begins to wander, gently guide your attention back to the sensations of walking.

5. Mindful Journaling

Mindful journaling can be a powerful way to process emotions and gain insight into your thoughts. Dr. Karen Hawk encourages individuals to use journaling as a way to reflect on their experiences and deepen their self-awareness. Writing with mindfulness means paying attention to how you feel in the moment and allowing yourself to express your thoughts without judgment.

To practice mindful journaling, set aside time each day to write. Focus on your present thoughts, emotions, and experiences. You might write about your day, how you’re feeling, or any challenges you're facing. The goal is to write with openness and awareness, allowing your inner thoughts to flow freely onto the page.

6. Loving-Kindness Meditation

Loving-kindness meditation (also known as "Metta") is a mindfulness practice that focuses on cultivating feelings of compassion and love toward yourself and others. Dr. Hawk often suggests this technique to individuals who may be struggling with negative self-talk or feelings of isolation. This practice helps to foster a sense of connection, reducing negative emotions such as anger, resentment, or self-criticism.

To practice loving-kindness meditation, sit comfortably and close your eyes. Start by directing kind thoughts toward yourself, such as "May I be happy, may I be healthy, may I live with ease." Then, gradually extend these well wishes to others—first to loved ones, then to acquaintances, and even to those with whom you may have conflicts.

Conclusion

Mindfulness is a transformative practice that can have a profound impact on mental health and overall well-being. Dr. Karen Hawk emphasizes that by integrating mindfulness techniques such as mindful breathing, body scans, and mindful eating into daily life, individuals can develop greater emotional resilience, reduce stress, and cultivate a deeper sense of peace. Whether you are looking to alleviate anxiety, improve emotional regulation, or simply feel more present in your daily life, mindfulness can provide a powerful path toward mental health enhancement.

[livingstonegordo]

Operation Idiots in Love

Bobby

"Okay, that's it." Hen sighed as she watched Buck run up the stairs and out the front door. "I can't take it anymore. We have gotta get them together."

"Get who together?" Bobby asked, sipping a ginger ale.

"Those two idiots who are so far up each other's asses they can't see how in love with each other they are!" she exclaimed, gesturing to where Buck disappeared too.

Chimney was nodding enthusiastically as he listened to Hen. "He's literally abandoning us because Eddie called and said he broke up with the teacher!" He threw his arms up in the air, dangerously sloshing his own drink.

"Maybe we shouldn't meddle in their personal lives, guys," Bobby admonished lightly. "If Buck and Eddie are going to actually take the leap they need to do it on their own."

"Bobby, this is a family, and family meddles in each other's personal lives." Athena gently smacked his arm for emphasis. "Not to mention they're both so oblivious it could take 20 more years before they get it together." There were laughs and murmurs of agreement from their group.

Bobby and Athena had planned a small baby shower for Maddie and Chimney, not wanting to host too many people during a pandemic, but wanting to celebrate with their chosen family. It was just them, Hen and Karen, Buck and Albert, and of course Chimney and Maddie. Eddie had been invited but had back to back appointments for Christopher and was supposed to have lunch with Ms. Flores. They'd gotten through presents, cake, and some games and were mostly just hanging around and chatting in groups when Eddie called Buck to report that, for whatever reason, he and Ana had decided to call it quits. Buck had been sprinting up the stairs before Eddie had even stopped to take a breath.

"Whose personal life are we meddling in?" Maddie asked as she made her way over to them, leaving Karen looking bewildered with a very enthusiastically gesturing Albert.

"Buck and Eddie's," Chimney said, leaning over to kiss Maddie on the cheek when she gracelessly plopped next to him on the couch. "We can't take it anymore. They obviously need a push, just to get the ball rolling."

"I wholly agree," Maddie said. "They're never gonna get there on their own." She was slowly rubbing a circle on her stomach.

"We'll need to plan it out carefully," Hen said. "Maybe we should schedule something where we can get together and brainstorm."

"I'll make a group chat now." Athena set her drink down on a coaster on the coffee table and pulled out her phone.

"We should come up with a code name," Maddie said. "We don't want them knowing we're talking about them."

Grinning, Chim said, "Operation Just Admit It Already."

Hen snickered. "Operation No Homo."

"Excuse me?" Karen said walking up.

"Operation We Can't Stand the Sexual Tension Any Longer." At that Maddie shook her head then lightly pushed Chim.

Hen quietly explained what they were up to to her wife (who looked more and more gleeful with every word) while they all got a text from Athena who had finished creating their group chat. Bobby looked at his phone, a little dismayed to be included in it, but he smiled when he saw the name of the group chat.

"That's perfect, Athena." Maddie smiled. "It's not exactly discreet but they're so oblivious they would never think it's about them."

"Bobby called them that the other night, I thought it was fitting."

"We should include Carla! She'll be so angry if we don't. She likes to gossip about them with Maddie!" Chimney said.

"We do not gossip about my brother. We simply vent about how dumb they are." Hen and Karen laughed while Chimney rolled his eyes.

Bobby sighed, sure all future down time was going to be spent on this.

Operation Idiots in Love.

---

Maddie

The next day Maddie had some time, so she called Carla to explain what they were up to and she asked immediately to be added to the group chat.

"I've been watching those two dance around each other for years. It is high time they get it together."

"Oh I know!" Maddie exclaimed. She was sitting at the table with a cup of tea, wishing it was a second cup of coffee. "I met Eddie and Chimney at the same time and I said to Buck that day ‘he's cute’ meaning Chim, but Buck immediately responded with ‘he gets that a lot, you should see his son’ cause, you know, Eddie is always on his mind. Even back then." She shook her head even though Carla wouldn't be able to see it.

"They've both been through so much, before they met and after. I just want to see my two boys happy."

"And Christopher will be okay with it, right?" Maddie, who was always on the verge of tears these days, fought to keep herself from crying.

"Honey, Christopher has told me at least 4 times that he wants his dad to marry Buck, so that Buck can be around all the time!"

"He has?" Maddie asked, losing the battle with her tear ducts.

"That boy loves our Buckaroo so much,” Carla said, and Maddie could hear the smile in her voice.

"Buck loves him so much, too," she said, sniffling. "Okay I will add you to the group chat. But I am warning you now you might want to keep it muted. Chim and Hen have been blowing it up all morning."

After hanging up with Carla, Maddie had a stern talk with her tears ducts -we cannot cry over everything for the rest of this pregnancy!- downed her tea and quickly got ready for work. She'd downgraded to only working part time as her pregnancy progressed. Since this was a geriatric pregnancy (God, did Maddie hate that word) she knew she and the baby were at a higher risk and wanted to make sure she wasn't over exerting herself- not to mention the fact that she cried a lot easier these days. And when you're a 911 operator crying is not beneficial to the people who really need her help. When she got to the call center she saw May and Linda already on the phones and Josh standing with another operator named Cheryl. She quickly made her way to the locker room to stow her bag, stopped for more tea from the break room and settled in at her desk. It was an hour later when she got some inspiration from a call. The caller was a young woman, Daisy, who was on a first date at a small vegan restaurant, and her date, Cara, had been hit by a car while crossing the street after lunch- nothing serious just a broken leg, though, from the sounds of the scene, the driver was under the influence. She dispatched a squad car and EMS to the scene and waited with Daisy who was on the verge of a panic attack. Maddie was able to keep her calm by giving her clear directions on how to help her date, and reminding her to breath. Daisy had the phone on speakerphone, laying on the pavement next to Cara’s head and when the paramedics arrived Daisy let out a sob. “They’re here! Maddie, the paramedics are here!”

“Good. I may be a little biased, but the 118 is the best firehouse in the city and they will take excellent care of Cara.”

“Playing favorites, Mads?” she heard Chimney say followed by the smack of his chewing gum. “Guess I can’t really blame you. Alright, Miss, can you tell me your name?”

“Cara,” she said weakly. Daisy must have picked up her phone and turned off speaker phone because Chimney’s voice became quieter as he continued to assess Cara’s injuries.

“They know you?” Daisy asked.

“They do.” Maddie smiled. “We’re family.”

When Daisy disconnected the call, Maddie quickly wrote down the name of the vegan restaurant knowing that her brother would love it.

---

Hen

In the week since they started this group chat Hen and Chimney had been tossing out plenty of outlandish and silly plots to get the boys together, but she knew none of them would actually work. Maddie was working on something involving a restaurant but so far nothing had happened. They needed something so rational and normal that Buck and Eddie wouldn’t even question it. They needed a new tactic so she opened up Operation Idiots In Love and sent off a message.

When did you first realize? >Hen

Chimney< When Buck completely lost it when Eddie was trapped underground

Chimney< dude was clawing at the mud with his bare hands WAILING

Karen< Christmas 2019 he organized that whole dinner so Christopher could spend Christmas with his dad!

Carla< Xmas 2019 for me as well

Athena< When Bobby called Eddie after he stole Chimney’s phone and was nearly arrested.

Karen< Does that mean Bobby knew before then?

Karen< The first time Hen mentioned it to me was when Buck arranged for Christopher to spend the day at the firehouse. Is that when you knew, babe?

Chimney< 🤮 babe

That was the day I called it. The way that Eddie looked at Buck that day nearly knocked me over >Hen

👊🏾👀⚠️>Hen

Maddie< I think I knew for sure after the tsunami. Buck called me, completely wrecked because he didn’t know how to tell Eddie they were there.

Chimney< 🪓💪😙

Chimney< What about you cap?

Bobby< The tsunami was when I couldn’t ignore it anymore.

Bobby< No one else saw them after they took that live round out of the guy’s leg in the back of the ambulance. My gut knew then.

Maddie< Wasn’t that Eddie’s first week at the 118????

Chimney< IT WAS!

Bobby< I don’t think they were in love then. But I knew they would end up here.

Bobby< Buck was actually flustered when Eddie complimented him.

“Flustered!” Karen exclaimed. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Buck flustered.” Hen gazed down at her wife who was laying across the couch with her head in Hen’s lap. Hen had been absentmindedly playing with Karen’s hair (which Karen loved) and had a few strands wrapped around her knuckles.

Chimney< You know that Eddie got under Buck’s skin that very first day

Chimney< If Buck hadnt been so wrapped up in Abby back then things would be so much easier now

Athena< I hate to say our Buck needed his heart broken, but the heartbreak from Abby certainly helped him get to where he is today.

Athena< We got front row seats to Buck maturing these past few years.

Buck 3.0 🙈🤣🙄 >Hen

Carla< He really has come so far ❤🙌🏼

Maddie, how is your plan coming along? 👀 >Hen

Maddie< So I'm thinking of asking him to meet me at this new trendy vegan restaurant, but I can’t think of a good reason for standing him up and suggesting he go with Eddie 🤔

Karen< He would jump at the chance to try a new vegan restaurant! 🌱🤤

Carla< Oh he would love that, not so sure about Eddie though 🥩

Maddie< Exactly

Chimney< Hes so pretentious

Maddie< Honestly, I figured Eddie would go because Buck asked. But even if he refused Buck would probably pick just another restaurant

Maddie< I just can’t think of a plausible excuse for bailing

Maddie< Buck is too good at telling when I am lying 🤥😔

Chimney< Tell him you’re having contractions! 🤰👶

He would just rush off to the hospital, Chim > Hen

Bobby< He would just want to be at Maddie’s side

Karen< No, he would just want to be there for Maddie

Chimney< Alright, alright, hes too good of a brother for that 🙏

Chimney< 🙄🙄

Hen looked at the time and sighed. “You okay with making dinner, while I do some homework?” she asked.

“Of course, babe,” Karen said, smiling up at her. “Just give me 5 more minutes on the couch with you.”

“Anything for you,” Hen said, leaning down to kiss her wife’s forehead.

---

Chimney

Maddie was at a doctor’s appointment and Chimney, upset at not being able to go and bored at home on his own, invited Buck and Albert to go on a short hike. It was a small trail that had only just opened up after the mudslide, and while Albert was a little disappointed it wasn’t a more difficult trail he at least understood that Buck and Chimney both were hesitant to embark on a long trail with Maddie so close to her due date. The trail was fairly empty so they had taken their masks off, though Chimney was a bit weirded out by how naked he felt without it while in public. With Albert running ahead and out of earshot, Chimney decided it was a good time to ask Buck about his love life.

And naturally- he was incredibly awkward about it.

“So, Buck 3.0?”

“Yeah?”

“Is he gonna dip his toe in the dating pool anytime soon?”

Buck let out a huff of breath, looking down at his feet. “Buck 3.0 is about letting go of the past, but honestly? I still don’t think that I’m really in the right headspace to be dating now. Therapy is helping, but it’s not an overnight process. It’s a lot of work letting go of nearly 30 years of low self esteem and abandonment issues.”

“You’ll get there,” Chim said, clapping Buck on the back. “You’re honestly one of the best people ever, Buck.” Buck looked over at him with a single raised eyebrow. “I will deny it if you tell anyone.” He pointed a finger a Buck for emphasis. “But you are my favorite brother.”

Buck’s face cracked into a brilliant smile and he put his hands over his heart. “Oh, Chim, do you mean it? Really and truly??”

Chimney laughed and gave Buck a shove. “I hope it echoes in your ears for the rest of your life because I’m never repeating it.”

“It’s okay. I’m Albert’s favorite brother too.”

“You are not!”

“And Albert has no problems telling me every time I wash his clothes.”

“You wash his clothes for him! Buck, never, ever give Albert anything he will never be able to take care of himself!”

“I don’t mind the laundry, so I don’t make a big deal about it. I do Eddie’s laundry sometimes too.”

“You do Eddie’s laundry?” Chimney asked, eyebrows raised high above his aviator sunglasses.

“Eddie hates doing laundry, and I mean hates. I’ve been over there while he was switching loads and he was grumbling under his breath the entire time. So sometimes if Eddie lets it pile up for too long I’ll do a couple loads while I’m there.”

“You do Eddie’s laundry?” Chim asked again, eyebrows still raised high. It was actually getting a little painful, so he let them relax and come back down. He couldn’t believe this. How domestic. He was definitely telling that to the group chat.

“Yeah, man, it’s not a big deal. Laundry helps my brain calm down. I focus on the clothes and not on all the negative shit running around up here.” He tapped his temple with his first finger, looking down at his feet again.

There was a couple jogging towards them so the conversation stalled while Chimney and Buck pulled out their masks and put them on.

They were quiet as the couple passed them, nodding in greeting and continuing on their way. When Chimney pulled his mask back off he asked, “So what happened with Eddie and the teacher?”

Buck looked over at him, eyebrows raised again as he tucked his mask into his pocket. “He didn’t really say,” Buck answered.

“He didn’t?” Chim asked. “Doesn’t he, like, tell you everything?”

“Usually. But you know Eddie. He processes things on his own time, and when he’s ready he talks about it. All he would say was that she is the one who ended it and that he wasn’t really that bothered because it was just casual and now he doesn’t have to talk to Christopher about him dating.”

“Christopher would be okay with him dating, though, right?”

“I think he would,” Buck answered. “He is legitimately the best kid I have ever met, and he wants his dad to be happy.” Buck looked at his feet here and Chimney noticed his cheeks were a little more red than before. “Chris told me once he wants his dad to date me.” He chuckled awkwardly and rubbed the back of his neck.

Chimney knew this already, because Maddie had told him what Carla said. He was very interested in how red Buck was turning though, another thing to report to the group chat. “Christopher wants you to date his dad?”

"If I date his dad then we can hang out all the time."

"You would love that." Chimney gave Buck a little shove. "Well all know Christopher is your favorite person in the entire world."

"He is," Buck agreed. He shoved Chimney back a little harder so that Chimney veered off the trail briefly. "He's better than you lot by miles."

They were quiet for a moment and Chimney debated whether or not he should ask. In the end his mouth won and he asked, "Would you?" Buck glanced over at Chimney but didn't say anything. "Date Eddie?" he clarified.

Buck turned an alarming shade of red and opened his mouth to respond when they heard Albert call to them.

"What are you two doing?" He was running towards them, sweaty and grinning. "I made it to the end of the trail and halfway back! Pick up your pace!!"

Buck grinned and took off running. Chimney took out his phone and started texting.

---

Athena

May was working, Bobby had run out to the store, and Harry was still staying with Michael so Athena found herself with a rare, quiet evening. She poured herself a glass of wine and headed to the table on the back patio. The Operation Idiots in Love chat she had started had been pretty active that day but Athena hadn’t had the chance to look through it until now. When she was all caught up with Chimney’s discussion with Buck and everyone’s reactions she sent off a “Sounds like they’re already dating…” and placed her phone face down on the table.

Over the years she had come to think of Buck as her step son of sorts and after seeing his heart break so many times, she just wanted him to finally be happy. Athena wasn’t one to believe that a person needed to be in a relationship in order to be happy, but the only time she had seen Buck looking genuinely content and happy was when he was around Eddie.

Plus she had been a cop for 30 years. She was an expert on picking up on the things left unsaid. She had no doubt that both of them wanted something more, but they were both too terrified of being rejected by the person they depend on the most.

Maddie’s plan was half cooked, at least, and Athena didn’t think that it would really work the way that they wanted it to - and not just because Eddie refused to eat vegan.

She was contemplating possible plans when Bobby returned. He dropped the groceries in the kitchen and came outside, hands falling on Athena’s shoulders and dropping a kiss to the top of her head.

“You’re radiating your Sergeant Grant energy,” he said as he pulled out the chair next to her. She just raised her patented Athena Eyebrow at him. “Lay it on me.” Bobby waved a hand between them. “What are you planning?”

“Nothing yet. Just thinking about what could work.”

“For Buck and Eddie?” “Mhmm.” Athena sipped her wine.

“You don’t think they need to get together in their own time? What if whatever ‘Operation’ we all come up with backfires and ruins their relationship?” The air quotes around ‘operation’ were very clear in his tone.

“I think that their relationship, as it is, is strong enough to withstand any sort of awkwardness that we may create if it backfires.” Bobby still looked skeptical. “Look, Buck and Eddie have both been burned in the past. And now they have essentially built their entire lives on top of each other. Co-dependant is how most people would think of it. They’re both terrified of losing each other so neither one of them will ever make the first move. They just need a little nudge. Something to get them both open their damn eyes and look at each other.”

“Okay,” Bobby said, nodding. “We need to keep Chimney and Hen reined in though. They seem to be a little too invested in this.”

“Agreed.”

“How about we have them over for dinner? Just the two of them and the two of us.”

“Mmm a double date?” Athena gave a second, totally different, patented Athena Eyebrow.

“That’s the goal isn’t it?” Bobby stood up pulling out his phone. “I’ll text them.”

“Have it be next Friday,” Athena called. “May will be working late that day.”

“Alright.” Bobby disappeared inside the house and Athena turned back to her wine. She picked up her own phone to text Hen and Michael about the three boys - Harry, Denny, and Christopher - having a much needed sleepover. Harry had been missing his friends since the pandemic started, and if it was just a small group Athena didn’t think they would have to worry too much.

Twenty minutes later Michael was added to Operation Idiots in Love and Athena was texting Eddie to see if Christopher could sleepover Michael’s next Friday.

[satanfemme]

LITERALLY on that last post like. I've been trying to get into exercising again but chronic fatigue and everyone is just like :))) just exercise you'll have more energy :)))) and it's like. thanks Karen. wonder how I never thought of that before.

yeah :-( it literally sucks so bad, and I'm sorry you have to deal with this too. like literally why is everything in our culture about pushing yourself past your breaking point. "how to continue working despite burn out" mind-set. except if there's actually a solution to continuing to work despite burn out, I'd love to hear it! cause unfortunately I have to pay bills! and every day is just more torture for me rn!

like even my therapist keeps doing it where I try to explain that I can't do a lot of things rn. and I don't know if I'm just explaining my problems badly or something, like maybe if I just used different terms it'd come across better? or if she's not understanding or something, but her advice tends to be like.... just doing it anyway. it's insane. and if I express that this doesn't seem to be making things easier for me, that I've been "just doing it anyway" my whole life, she'll just break it down into ""smaller "" steps comprised of: Exactly what's making it so difficult in the first place. it's so circular.

literally an example from today: "I am constantly mentally/physically exhausted. each week just gets more impossible for me to handle anything outside of my job - which is an incredible daily challenge within itself. all I want is a life." -> well you sound lonely, why don't you try making friends? :-) -> "because of my aforementioned exhaustion this has become increasingly impossible for me irl, and though I'm maintaining connections online, my mental fatigue has made me feel 'disconnected' from other people, even if I care about them, and has been adding to my exhaustion rather than providing relief." -> if your online friendships are unfulfilling, you should just leave them and make friends in person instead :-) -> "ignoring that first part, as I have already said, this is impossible for me. to elaborate, every time I interact with someone in person I just don't know how to, which makes me come across as strange and distant as I attempt to mask my intense depression. and this whole situation is inherently overwhelming to me to the point of being 'roadblocked'. when this happens, I can not physically force myself to continue interacting, let alone initiate interactions." -> with practice socializing will get easier :-) it's important to leave your comfort zone! -> "I have literally been 'practicing' for 22 years and it has not gotten any easier. since starting work it has gotten exponentially more difficult for me. I'm not sure how repeatedly putting myself through this with the same results is going to help, I need a different angle. I promise I want more friends and I'm trying but I feel like I'm running into the same wall over and over again here. I am literally never inside my comfort zone." -> ok, ok, ok I understand. don't worry, this makes perfect sense and I've got a solution for you. so, what if instead of forcing yourself into social interactions with strangers... you instead.... went up to strangers and started a conversation :-)

and then at the end of every session she's like "so is there anything else you wanted to talk about this week?" and I'm just sitting there like. but ma'am, you didn't even solve... literally anything I brought up... at the beginning of this session. what do you mean "is there anything else". so idk whatever. I've already tried reaching out to a new therapist but dhfjghdfgf it sucks shit that I have literally NO fucking idea what else to do when all the advice I find is the same. and it's not even BAD ADVICE necessarily it just doesn't fit MY needs because I guess we're so engulfed in The Grind right now that anyone not being able to handle anything is some kind of freak anomaly and I just need to be Trying Harder or something.

(don/t reblog btw)

[365days365movies]

February 22, 2021: Pillow Talk (1959)(Part 1)

Y’know, I actually do like Doris Day.

She’s funny, she’s talented, and she’s a timeless beauty that I remember very well. TOO well. You guys ever have that one thing that your parents crammed down your throat SO MUCH that you got sick of it? Well, that’s what my Mom did with The Thrill of it All.

Which is, for the record, a cute movie, and one worth watching again at some point. But I’m gonna ease my way into that with Doris Day and Rock Hudson’s first movie, 1959′s Pillow Talk. 

However, while I’m not stranger to Doris Day, I’m afraid that I don’t know too much about Rock Hudson from experience. Well, there is one interesting tidbit about him: Hudson was one of the biggest stars of the ‘50s and ‘60s, and his career continued up until his death in 1985...from AIDS-related complications.

Yeah, Rock Hudson was one of the biggest gay celebrities in Hollywood, although he never publicly came out. However, it was somewhat of an open secret in the community at large, and basically all of his female co-stars know about it. 

And said secret was revealed posthumously, after his tragic death during the height of the AIDS crisis. He was by far one of the most high-profile deaths during this time period, and you’d think that would’ve caused more waves about the AIDS-crisis, considering that he was good friends with...well...another actor.

Yeaaaaaaaaah, not gonna get into Reagan and ALL OF THAT SHIT here. This here is a movie blog, not a political blog! But, uh, yeah, a LOT of fucked-up shit about Reagan and the AIDS crisis, obviously, and part of it was Rock Hudson. So, yeah, it’s something that I wanted to address before we got into this whole shindig.

Because, again, I’ve never seen a Rock Hudson movie, but dude was a pretty huge deal, and this was a part of his life that I felt it unfair not to at least acknowledge. SO, with that out of the way, let’s have a little Pillow Talk. SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap

We start with that might be one of my favorite opening sequences so far this month, which you can see above. From there, Jan Morrow (Doris Day) wakes up, humming the theme song from the credits, which is clever, considering that she sang it! Talented lady, seriously.

Jan wakes up and goes to the phone, intending to make a call. However, this is where we get a pretty stark cultural difference, and a needed history lesson for some of us, me included. See, Jan’s phone line is actually a party line, seen through this neat little visual edit.

See, this is what’s called a “party line”. From the 1870s onwards, there was a shortage of available phone lines. By the time you get to the ‘60s, more and more people had personal phones in their households, but without enough lines to go around. And so, some people were forced to share their phone lines with others, hence the party line system!

Here’s the thing, though: if somebody was on the line already, anyone else on that line could hear the conversation of other people. Which is exactly what’s pissing of Jan right now, as she needs to make a call, but the line is being used by her party line partner, songwriter Brad Allen, who’s serenading his girlfriend (?) Eileen (Valerie Allen). Not sure that they’re actually dating, but Eileen definitely wants to.

After Jan’s insistence, they get off the phone, and Jan’s able to begin her busy morning at last. Well...almost. Brad’s now talking to Yvette (Jacqueline Beer), and she wants him to sing HER song to her, which is LITERALLY just the Eileen song with a different name and in French! Which is...hilarious. It’s very funny, not gonna lie.

Once again, Jan tells him to get off the party line, and hangs up angrily. She leaves just as her cleaner woman, Alma (Thelma Ritter) arrives, fresh off of a hangover. Jan goes to try and get a line of her own, and the manager, Mr. Conrad (Hayden Rorke) makes a WEIRDLY sexist comment about jumping to the top of the list if she were pregnant. Which, yeah...weird.

Anyway, Jan, in her frustration, tells Mr. Conrad that she’s hired of sharing the line by a “sex maniac.” Mr. Conrad asks for specifics, and is AGAIN WEIRDLY SEXIST ABOUT IT. He asks if his dalliances with other women disturb her in particular. But yeah, he also says that if he is indeed a “sex maniac,” they may need to disconnect him altogether. Which has...uncomfortable undertones all on its own, but whatever, moving on.

On her way to work, Jan’s friend Jonathan Forbes (Tony Randall) shows up to bring her a STRAIGHT-UP CAR, holy shit! He’s doing so to thank her for decorating his offices (she’s an interior decorator, he’s a car dealership owner, so...fair exchange?). She insists that it’s too personal, which confuses him, as it isn’t perfume or lingerie.

But, uh, dude? IT’S A WHOLE-ASS CAR!!! Look, I’m with her on this one, don’t just give me a fuckin’ car out of the blue! I don’t care what the reason is, tell me that shit first! And Jonathan is CLEARLY trying to make it just a little more personal, if you get my meaning.

Jan finally arrives at her office, owned by Mr. Pierot (Marcel Dalio), and she tells him that an inspector has been sent to look after Mr. Allen. This inspector is Miss Dickenson (Karen Norris), and being of the wimmins, is immediately entranced by the apparently irresistible Mr. Allen, sabotaging any attempt at inspection.

The next morning, the inspector’s report comes through, and Miss Dickinson has of course cleared him of all charges. He calls her, and the two clash in a way that definitely means they’ll never, ever, ever fall in love, no sir, not these two, not a CHANCE IN HELL

They agree to make a schedule for using the phone, and Brad accuses Jan of being jealous of his free-wheeling, bed-hopping lifestyle, which she takes great offese to. But after they hang up, she thinks on the idea of having bedroom problems. Looks like Jonathan wants to fix that, on account of being the THIRSTIEST MAN ALIVE.

Dude has three three ex-wives, all of which were revolts against his mother, for which he’s seeing a psychiatrist.

...CHRIST, the man’s a walking-talking red flag. Jan also says that she doesn’t love him, like...AT THE FUCK ALL, and the man just straight-up says, “How do you know, we’ve never even kissed.” Ai which point, any normal person would see the phantom neckbeard and whip out the fuckin’ bear mace, but Jan just lets him lean in for the goddamn kiss!!!

Jan...standards, Jan. My God. Anyway, she still turns him down, he asks her to get married again, and she leaves. For God’s sakes, man. Anyway, she goes home, where Alma’s listening to Brad serenade a girl over the party line. Jan notes the time, and tells him to get off the line. He calls back, and tells her off.

Brad gets a visitor: his old college friend FUCKIN’ JONATHAN AGAIN. He bemoans being a millionaire (po’ babyyyyy), then reveals that he’s pining over Jan, whom he doesn’t know is the person on the party line with Brad. He hears a good amount of information about Jan from Jonathan.

After the conversation, Brad tries to somewhat reconcile with Jan, but she doesn’t have any interest in doing so. That night, the two have separate affairs. Brad meets up with a woman named Marie, and  serenades her with the same goddamn song from earlier, that suave motherfucker. Dude flips a switch, and the door fuckin’ LOCKS! Jesus, state-of-the-art hook-up tech of 1959.

Meanwhile Jan is attending a dinner held by an extremely client, Mrs. Walters (Lee Patrick). Needing to get home, she has her son Tony (Nick Adams) give her a ride. But on the way home, they stop and WHAT THE FUCK TONY??? I actually can’t find a clip or GIF of this, so I’ll tell you...he is ALL THE FUCK OVER HER, and it’s GROSS. CAN WE PLEASE STOP SEMI-RAPING DORIS DAY? WHAT THE FUCK, IN NO WAY IS WHAT I JUST WATCHED OK, HOLY SHIT!!!!!

Like...wow, that was the most uncomfortable I’ve felt watching a movie in a WHILE. And it’s not even because of the act itself, it’s because of how...OK it feels in the context of the film. Jan is BARELY upset by this slimy little weasely-faced rapey CREEP LITERALLY ASSAULTING HER IN THE FUCKING CAR. And in case you were wondering, yes! This film was written by FOUR MEN.

This is gross. Sorry, but this whole sequence is gross, and it gets even LONGER, because she AGREES TO GO GET A DRINK WITH HIM. WHY, JAN? STOP ENCOURAGING THIS BEHAVIOR. He tries to get her drunk (but ends up drunk himself), but she tries to leave. However, who should be sitting one table but Brad, who realizes who this is. Jan tries to leave, but Tony tries to get her to dance with him, AND SHE ONCE AGAIN AGREES, JAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!

And its during this time of distress for Brad that, OF COURSE, he finds himself extremely attracted to her. And since he knows who she is, but she doesn’t know him, he decides to fake his identity. And there we go, we’ve got a creepy-ass one-sided relationship set-up.

Meanwhile, lightweight Tony passes out on the floor, drunk as shit. Brad goes into help, putting on a take Texas accent and calling himself Rex Stetson. And OF FUCKING COURSE, she’s lost in his fuckin’ eyes. Damn those eyes, and his suave bullshit.

They shove Tony into a cab, then take his car, which appears to be too small for Brad, which makes sense, given the fact that Hudson was 6′4″, goddamn! The two take a cab, and the two reveal their mutual attraction to the audience, through their inner thoughts. Looks like all Jan needed for a relationship was handsome-ass Rock Hudson.

In her thoughts, she thinks on how honest and down-to-earth Rex Stetson seems, unlike “monsters” like Tony and Brad Allen. And OF COURSE this is how we get this started. OF GODDAMN COURSE this is how we start this relationship. Liar revealed, LIAR REVEALED, I FUCKIN’ HATE THAT GODDAMN TROPE SO MUCH

Soon after “Rex” takes her home, he goes home herself, and gives her a call, inviting her to dinner the following night. She accepts. Then, in the middle of the call, Brad pretends to pick up the line as himself, in order to set up the two identities as being separate...this is reverse You’ve Got Mail, isn’t it?

Think about it. Two people that hate each other, and they’ve never seen one another, but also love each other after meeting in person. IT’S THE OPPOSITE OF YOU’VE GOT MAIL. Ugh. Fine. Even down to the fact that he has a sizeable advantage over her, due to his full knowledge of the situation. He even tries to use his identity as Brad Allen to set-up their date the next night for success.

And it works, goddamn. A clever yet manipulative asshole, this dude is. They get on a horse and carriage, and we hear the inner thoughts of Jan, Brad, and the dude who owns the horse. And, yeah...it’s funny. The two go to dinner, where Jonathan shortly arrives. Brad gets him out of there with...mildly fatphobic means, but it is the 1950s, so things were just kinda...entirely that.

But in any case, Brad gets away with it, and he and Jan spend a hell of a lot of time together going all around the city. And the whole time, he’s playing the role of “Rex.” Ugh. This is a good halfway point, so let’s go to Part 2 here! See you there!

[azfellandco]

Hey there, so your reply to my comment on the vampire AU, about Aziraphale and consumption and such, has been rattling around in my head since I read it, and I was hoping, if you have the time/energy/desire of course, to pick your brains about what kinds of meta/headcanons you've got? Because Aziraphale and food and softness and subversion give me LIFE and I have some thoughts of my own but I'd love to hear yours :D

I would love to talk about this some more, hell yeah. Thank you so much. Please do also tell me your headcanons, @dwarven-beard-spores, I definitely want to hear them. Here is the AU in question for anyone else who might be interested.

Anyway I’m going to have to put this under a read-more because this has become like… thesis level long. My apologies to anyone on mobile. 

The thing I love about this book in general is that there’s such a rich vein of history of thought to explore baked into the premise. Angels and demons and god and the devil and satanic nuns and witches and the four horsemen and the antichrist and the Book of Revelation’s “capital A for Apocalypse” exist in this universe and because so much of it is played for humorous effect there’s a lot of wiggle room as to how these things actually interact with their real world theological equivalents. Which is all building up to say: I am absolutely fascinated with the dichotomy in popular conception between angels as good/holy and angels as monstrous, and how to a lot of people that really isn’t a dichotomy at all. 

Here are some quotes I think about in conjunction with Aziraphale a lot. 

��Did you ever notice how in the Bible, whenever God needed to punish someone, or make an example, or whenever God needed a killing, he sent an angel? Did you ever wonder what a creature like that must be like? A whole existence spent praising your God, but always with one wing dipped in blood. Would you ever really want to see an angel?“  –The Prophecy

“Who, if I cried out, would hear me among the hierarchyof angels? and even if one of thempressed me against his heart: I would be consumedin that overwhelming existence. For beauty is nothingbut the beginning of terror, which we still are just able to endure,and we are so awed because it serenely disdainsto annihilate us. Every angel is terrifying.” –Rainer Maria Rilke

Every angel is terrifying. What? Whomst? Aziraphale, light of my life, in love with a demon who thinks bullet-hole window transfers and expensive divers’ watches are cool, calls said demon “my dear”, is terrifying? Excuse me? 

I am utterly in love with the idea of Aziraphale as this potential force of nature, with the righteous fury and the wings and the sword and wait. What did Aziraphale do with that sword? He gave it away to the humans that got kicked out of paradise, because they looked cold. 

The first thing Aziraphale does in the whole book is a renouncement of this particular idea of angels, and we see him sort of… butt up against it later, when he talks to the Metatron. Aziraphale doesn’t want the world to end, of course he doesn’t, but I just have… so many feelings about the way Aziraphale talks about the war versus the way the Metatron talks about the war. 

The point is not to avoid the war, it is to win it. –the Metatron, pg. 242

The Metatron is the kind of angel above, blood and fury, and Aziraphale’s voice goes “flat and hopeless” in the face of it, “the bitterness in his voice would have soured milk”. Aziraphale doesn’t want this war to happen, and the way all his thoughts and feelings are tagged versus the sort of netural, descriptionless way the Metatron’s are (pretty much the only characterization the Metatron gets is “a well-educated voice” and “a shade testily”, the latter of which is in response to Aziraphale saying he has to delay returning to Heaven) has always struck me as like… the difference between Aziraphale and other angels is that Aziraphale cares so much. We talk a lot in this fandom about Crowley and “the truth was that Crowley rather liked humans. It was a major failing in a demon” but Aziraphale is the same, he’s just… subtler. 

Where the heck was I going with this. I’m so fond. 

Ah yes. Aziraphale is different from other angels because he cares, because he wants. I wrote a fic about this, too, actually. So it’s sort of interesting to me that it’s in the things Aziraphale wants that he is most an ”every angel is terrifying” angel, even though in some cases it’s a muted and complex kind of thing, a lot of which has been helped along for my by popular fandom and my love of gothic lit and isn’t necessarily comping from the book anymore, everything from here on out is my headcanons.

The most obvious example of Aziraphale’s desires being the most monstrous thing about him comes from that same conversation with the Metatron. I’m sure everybody here is aware of the good old “Aziraphale was willing to kill a child so he could stay on earth and keep eating sushi” post which, while reductive, is essentially what I’m getting at here. Aziraphale calls the Metatron with the specific intent of the Metatron killing Adam and stopping the ball rolling because he likes the world and he likes living there and I really do think, when it comes down to it, that’s a purely selfish decision on Aziraphale’s part. Crowley knows that the things about the world that will get Aziraphale on his side near the start of the book are all things Aziraphale likes. 

“No more compact discs… no salt, no eggs. No gravlax with dill sauce. No more fascinating little restaurants where they know you. No Daily Telegraph crosswords. No small antique shops. No book shops either. No interesting first editions. No–” Crowley scraped the bottom of Aziraphale’s barrel of interests, “regency silver snuffboxes.” –pg. 46

It’s all well and good to like people and want to help them and want to save them, but in the end, for a certain kind of person (the kind of person I see Aziraphale as), you have to make it personal. And people, as I’m sure everyone is aware, will do truly awful things in the name of protecting what is personal to them. 

I don’t know where to put this observation so it’s going here. That one line that’s like “Six millennia exposure to humans was having the same effect on Aziraphale as it was on Crowley, only in the opposite direction”? I’ve generally seen this taken to mean “six millennia had made them both more human-like by making Crowley less evil and Aziraphale less good” but personally I’ve always taken it to mean that exposure to humans has made Crowley like humans more and Aziraphale like humans less. My angel is antisocial and likes people in a general sense only, because it’s important to his self-image to love all of God’s creation or whatever.

On that slightly ominous note let’s move on to the point about consumption. There’s a sentiment in some feminist literature about desire, and sexual desire, and hunger, and how they overlap that is relevant here but I cannot find the exact quote I am thinking of so these will have to do. 

For a woman who has learned to make herself physically and emotionally small, to live literally and figuratively on scraps, admitting that you have an appetite is a source of cavernous fear. Women are often on a diet of the body, but we are always on a diet of the heart. The low-maintenance woman, the ideal woman, has no appetite. This is not to say that she refuses food, sex, romance, emotional effort; to refuse is petulant, which is ironically more demanding. The woman without appetite politely finishes what’s on her plate, and declines seconds. She is satisfied and satisfiable. –Hunger Makes Me by Jess Zimmerman (if the contents of this meta i’m writing interest you then I suggest you read this article as well)

Please also see this “a softer world” fancomic which is a remix of the poem Annabel Lee by Edgar Allan Poe– “And we loved with a love that was more than love, I and my Annabel Lee.”

To want is to hunger and to hunger is to want and it’s extremely important to me that Aziraphale’s particular temptation, and one Crowley knows full well, is lunch. Wanting as selfishness, as monstrousness, is… how you say… my entire shit. The subgenre of gothic horror that is about women who want and the way this makes them feel, as though they’re destructive and dark and dangerous, is pretty much the reason I am the person I am today. Crimson Peak, Shirley Jackson’s work but especially The Haunting of Hill House (speaking of which i am going to personally eviscerate whoever approved that netflix series, how dare they), to some extent Karen Navidson’s story in House Of Leaves, probably lots of others but those are the main ones that come to mind. They’re all about women who want, and feel they shouldn’t, and how that disconnect makes them othered from themselves and the world around them. 

I’ve always seen some overlap between this and the concept of queering the villain, because historically the idea of sexual desire has been made to look monstrous by bigots and assholes and that absolutely has not stopped us from grabbing these characters and archetypes and saying “mine now”. I’m never going to stop loving queer-coded villains as long as I live, because if society wants us to be evil we will damn well show them evil. 

But of course, wanting isn’t actually evil. It’s just human. Aziraphale is not especially selfish, for a human, even when that selfishness manifests as disregard for his companion’s feelings or stubbornness about the big picture (”That only works, right, if you start everyone off equal… that’s the good bit. The lower you start the more opportunities you have. Crowley had said, that’s lunatic. No, said Aziraphale, it’s ineffable.”) it’s still just… human. People have a notoriously hard time caring about suffering beyond themselves, it’s why we invented morality. Wanting has no moral value, not really, just as hunger doesn’t. 

But I can’t help but think that, if Aziraphale agrees with this assessment, it’s taken him thousands of years and certainly until after the apocalypse to arrive there. Aziraphale wants to be good, and he wants his side to be “the good side”, so much so that he’s deluded himself for ages into thinking he doesn’t care about or consider the validity of the stuff Crowley says and believes. There is no textual evidence to support the statement “Aziraphale feels guilty for wanting things and part of the reason he’s so attached to Crowley is that Crowley makes him feel less guilty”, but there it is. 

Aziraphale wants, and other angels don’t, or at least, Aziraphale wants in a very concrete and specific sense that other angels don’t seem to–food, wine, books, snuffboxes, Crowley– in short, to be in the world and experience. Aziraphale wants sensual things, pretty things. Comfortable things. Aziraphale is such a soft and homey character despite all these little apparent sharp points, and I adore that about him. 

Let me quote my own fic for a moment, the vampire fic that prompted this ask in the first place.

Everything about Aziraphale said “soft” to Crowley, it was something he’d always rather liked about his friend. Soft curls framing his round face, gentle hands, warm and unfashionable clothes covering his pudgy middle. There was absolutely nothing about Aziraphale that looked even slightly predatory, and Crowley had never been able to determine if this was intentional camouflage or just the way Aziraphale was [footnote: it was both]. 

Aziraphale is selfish and petty and can be inconsiderate and obtuse, but he gave away the thing that identified him as an angel because some humans were suffering and needed it. He loves wine, and books, and he’s fat goddammit, because of course he is. He’s nonthreatening because he’s chosen to be. He’s human because he’s chosen to be, just as Crowley is. It just took him longer to realize that’s what he’d done. He’s got the potential, by virtue of being an angel, to be this incredibly powerful and dangerous thing, and instead he owns a bookshop and feeds the ducks and goes to lunch with his friend. 

I’m sure I’ll think of like ten additional things I want to say about this after I post it lmao prepare yourself for that, I guess. 

[taromilksnake]

2:58am just had a vivid and stressful dream

that basically summed up my anxieties about my job right now as a 7th grade teacher. basically, a composite made up student named karen was upset that i kept calling her and lorea out, and openly said so to kami as we sat in her living room. i didn’t interject as i listened; i wrote down “more information (ie less value judgements), less “I” statements or (i forget). i pleaded with her to have grace, that it’s my first year teaching 7th, and to please have some patience for me. she gave me a murderous look; “but that doesn’t mean much to you, does it?” i ask. the dream ended as kami invites karen to play a review game on her tb, pats her on the head and calls her a good kid. i turn away, hurt and ashamed as the background music drowns out anything else.

i snap awake, upset still. “i’m upset about an imaginary person i literally made up. this is stupid.” but then i realize it reflects (if exaggerates) my anxieties about resorting to authoritarian responses to kids (ie calling them out publically). i’m dissatisfied and disappointed in my teaching when left to my own, and frustrated that i find myself thinking i can do better than the seasoned teachers when i obviously can’t.

it’s normal to want reassurance and positive feedback when in a new job, let alone a stressful and people facing one. it’s also normal to not know how t work with middle schoolers, esp in a position where you don’t get the constant interaction. you’re in a tough position, and subbing is hard. your response in the dream is fair; anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.

i think a lot of it comes down to wanting to be well-liked, to be seen in the hearts of the kids as they do castro and kami. also a natural response. but even kami is not connecting as much to the kids, and i’m sure they’ve had similar experiences as me in the past (and present). some things kami had said freak me out (that execution trumps intention), but i know she’s voicing her own high standard for herself, having come all this way; i agree with her, but that doesn’t mean i have to achieve it right this minute. my old habits did not go away, but they’ve hid themselves from me for now, for some reason. i feel disconnected from my own past and narrative; is it covid, stress, memory, monotony? i did undergo a blur of changes in recent memory (summer program, job, moving).

anyway, i’m lucky to have people to talk to, and even meowu was curled up next to me when i woke up. she’s here now, real excited when i was awake. it’s pouring out and cold. i’ll work on it a little bit at a time, take it moment-to-moment. i’ll treat it as a rite of passage, i think.

let me make myself comfy and then go back to bed.

[italicwatches]

GAMERS! Episode 07

So.

Last time sure happened.

Let’s see where things go from here. It’s GAMERS!, episode 07! Here we GO!

-We begin, with loading the game save for up to this point. Whoever’s playing this game is very irresponsible with their save data, you always cascade down the list, never lock into a single save file. That’s just too risky.

-But into the actual show! A bus, where some generic anime boys, so standardized you can’t see their eyes, watch. And they can see HIM, the fucker who managed to get Karen…And Keita is just trying to ignore them, even as he deals with the frustrations of people disconnecting on his mobile game and not actually playing…

-Opening! After PUBG, our next game reference is…It’s Super Mario Bros. You know Super Mario Bros. I did an entire writeup for the game’s historical relevance for Nintendo back in the lead to the Switch’s release as part of the 30 Days of Switchmas. Crazy successful, redefined the platformer genre after Nintendo themselves essentially invented it with Donkey Kong, was originally designed as the peak of a cartridge-based game with the Famicom Disk System rapidly coming up…None of this is news.

-DAY 07: Amano Keita and Karen’s best entertainment

-To the class! Where Keita is talking to Tasuku, and has decided to, and I quote, “stop indiscriminately blowing up normies”. Tasuku, who slept like shit, has no idea what he’s talking about but good for you, man. Also, people are all staring at Keita. Because of what Tasuku did, in part. But hey, hey. Tasuku had no idea it’d turn into a relationship! Of course, Keita thought Karen was more into stylish guys like Tasuku…

-And Tasuku is also dealing with the rocky state of his own relationship. Aguri’s been…Well, it’s been messy, since the guy she’s into is with Karen now. But, Aguri likes Tasuku, so Keita can only assume that Tasuku really was two-timing his girlfriend! This is horrible! No wonder he has no idea how to talk to Aguri about it!

-Which explains everything, including Karen accepting a confession from little old him! It’s all to try and build up a plausible deniability. …He needs to get out of this. His head is full of deep, weighty thoughts as he goes to the restroom. He doesn’t want to be part of breaking Aguri’s heart, she’s a sweet girl who deserves better. Maybe he’ll ask Karen to let him rescind his confession…

-And when he comes out, he runs into someone, almost literally! Oh, sorry, he wasn’t…Oh god it’s Karen. And then Karen has a freakout because the boy she’s super into, who is now her boyfriend, is heeeere…But oh dear, something seems wrong! Are you okay? You look pale…

-Um, er, he’s, um, he’s gotta get back to class he’ll talk to you later bye! And then he’s gone, leaving Karen confused…And as Keita starts to head back, everyone mumbling about him…That’s when Chiaki spots him and waves him over into an empty room! Oh lord what do you want, Chiaki? Can’t you see his day is going wrong as it is?

-Can’t You see why Karen stuck her neck out for you, you idiot?! Well, yes, of course he does…(Oh god one of you use your words) Good, good! But that was a crazy move, and should keep that pink-haired fiend from…What was that? Nothing nothing forget she said that part! Look the point is, they might be enemies, but she respects you enough to not want to see you hurt. And that Aguri girl was never gonna be your girlfriend.

-Well, yes. He knows that. Oh, good! You’re moving on really well, Keita!

-Cut to after class. Keita has a long string of furious emojis in his texts, and is across from Aguri, who is…Really not happy with him. Also she has a really crazy looking drink. But, but she’s sorry. She’s mostly not mad at you. She’s mad at Tasuku, who’s two-timing her. Keita tries to use his logic, because the only evidence that Aguri has is the guilty look Tasuku gave her, but why ELSE would a guy give such a look to his own girlfriend?! Huh?!

-…Okay you have him there. But uuuugh. Her life’s gone to hell ever since she met you! That’s…Harsh. But all those floozies hanging onto Tasuku only met him through you, ya damn enabler. Well, well, it was Tasuku who used him and egged him onto talking to…both of them…Keita quietly ‘realizes’ that he might have been used as a cover for all of Tasuku’s cheating. And now Aguri’s got to try to pull out of this nosedive and convince Keita that Tasuku really is his friend and not just using him from the start. But Keita’s gone into a deep depression.

-FOCUS DAMMIT! Karen accepted your confession! Whatcha gonna do about it, huh? He’s…He’s gonna tell her the full truth of what he knows, so they can break up honestly, and handle this maturely. (God you kids are the furthest thing from mature. The only way you could be less mature is if you were using mud to inoculate yourself against the terrible spread of cooties.)

-Well. Good for you. But how do YOU feel? And are you really gonna let someone else decide something that matters so much? …You’re right. He’s got to decide this himself! And then she realizes how fucking gross this drink is now that all the layers have mixed. She’s…She’s gonna go buy a new drink.

-New scene! Karen is up on the roof freaking out because Keita asked her to meet him here oh god what’s going to happen? Is this about their new relationship? Is it going to go sideways? Was that confession some kind of mistake? Is she about to be dumped, on the eve of her confused but delighted triumph?! No, FOCUS, girl! Don’t let him see you sweat…! But she’s terrified of how this could go…

-And then Keita arrives, and OH GOD PANIC! She doesn’t want to look at him and face the end…And so he finally just asks, if she hates him. No, never! Then, then why won’t she face him?

-W-Why don’t you?! …But he is. Y-You want to stop dating her, don’t you? She, she gets it, she’s seen how people around school are acting…You can take it back, she’ll, she’ll just…

-She’s not speaking from her heart. Deep breath. Be honest with herself…

-As Keita admits, he’s glad to hear she doesn’t hate him. He thought, with the way she’d been almost avoiding him…But…But he’s got to ask something difficult. Of course. Can they go on a date?

-And there it—Wait what? Wait what?! Karen is so shocked that when she turns around she’s in a fighting stance. Oh you adorable little dork, never change. So Keita says it doesn’t have to be right now, it can be whenever she’s free…And Karen is so confused that her world turns to crayon drawings. She doesn’t know how to parse this. She expected a rejection, and got confessed to. She expected a retraction, and got asked on a date. None of this was fitting her worst-case scenarios, or the Plan, either.

-Well…They’re, they’re in a relationship…Right? And just hearing that from Keita sends chills up Karen’s spine as she goes tomato red. As Keita panics a bit, and admits that yes, there will be hardships, and of course people are saying shit behind his back…And…And he knows he’s got no chance against a bishonen like Tasuku. He’s going to lose out in the end. But…But dammit, you don’t rage quit, you play the match until the end! He’s not giving up until it’s over!

-And oh, Karen just glows she’s blushing so bad. You could just put Karen in a dark room, repeat that line to her on a loop, and her blush would give enough light to read by. But she manages to catch herself, and try to act like the Magnificent Tendou Karen-san, as she accepts his offer as nobly and honorably as she can manage. As she also insists they do this in the right order, like a proper relationship! A-And they should disband, for today! Wow this managed to get weird, as Keita lets off a salute from her authoritative tone. but this isn’t what she had in mind and oh god this just got weird as she barely manages to get past him before she panics and flees to the stairs.

-Commercial break!

-And we’re back! It’s date time, and Keita and Karen are at the bowling alley, slash karaoke place, slash arcade, slash…well it’s a big entertainment center is the point. Karen dressed her best, Keita’s best is his usual outfit, and he’s kind of freaking out a bit as he tries to be all cool and make this work…Until finally she just tells him they can just goof off and have fun and not make this too crazy.

-So…I’m gonna let you in on a little secret.

-Keita fucking sucks at analog games. Karen beats him in ping pong, he manages to get a dart stuck in his thigh when they play darts, and he takes a cueball to the face though I think that might have been Karen’s fault, and he loses terribly at bowling. By the time they stop for lunch, Keita’s energy is drained, and Karen is at full power. But even with how draining this is, Keita is finding it really fun…And Karen has to keep herself from admitting how much being here with him is making it fun.

-As he looks over the map, seeing what else they could do today…There’s a pool. Swimsuits. NOPE DO NOT GO THERE. He immediately covers it with his hand, and oh, hmm, there’s basically just the arcade left…

-But she saw a huge pool on all the maps.

-…Oh. So you did. Well…Um…They could just go check it out for fun! Unless you don’t want to see her in a swimsuit? D-Don’t be ridiculous! But now she’s all blushy because he called her bluff and oh god this got nerve-racking. Keita’s low self-esteem comes out but Karen can only hear the parts where he doesn’t want to be at the pool with her and now he’s gotta pull up pull up.

-And that’s how he ends up at the pool in a rented pair of trunks, waiting for Karen to come out. He has truly betrayed all humanity. And then out she comes in a cutesy but revealing bikini and Keita’s brain just kinda…

-Poof?

-Poof. He feels like he just lost a precious life in a video game from the sheer impact of that outfit, and things get awkward again as she has to guide him into being at least mostly normal.

-When Karen spots a couple playing splashy games in the pool, and kind of wants to do it too. But some clear rules to keep it safe! It’s a turn-based water attack game, and whoever gets the other’s hair wet first wins! You’re…You’re ridiculous. And as soon as they’re in the water, this becomes legit serious competition, a war of water that looks like something out of Jojo and then Keita is splashed and down. VICTORY IS KAREN’S!

-And then they see the couple who are, you know, goofing off and having fun and just being silly. …Suddenly they feel like huge nerds. To the arcade, where they belong? To the arcade.

-But that’s when Keita and Karen spot…is that Chiaki? It is! Some guys are trying to harass her…And when she spots Keita, she races for him, needing someone she knows, enemy or not! She clings to him immediately because save her! Er, that is, she’s gonna, help, you…With…Give her a minute she’ll think of something good.

-The guys leave, though, not wanting to cause enough of a scene that they actually get noticed by someone who might do something about it…And trying to get a girl who’s here on a date would definitely cause a scene.

-There’s just one little problem.

-Keita’s here on a date with Karen, and she’s…really not liking seeing this blue-haired strumpet cling to her Keita. So you know, Chiaki, he’s KIIIIND of on a date, so…So you are, Keita! SO WHY DO YOU KEEP TUGGING HIS ARM INTO YOUR CLEAVAGE?!

-Okay, fair. She should not have interfered in a date from a fake relationship.

-Okay now Karen is more mad. Chiaki, what would you like your gravestone to say? I’m thinking…”With my last breath, I curse Keita”? Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

-But soon everyone’s sitting down and talking and Chiaki has the good grace to apologize for all of that…But why’s she here on her own, anyways? She’s not! Her sister invited her aaaaand then ran off on her own. So she’s gotta find the kid…Well, they’re willing to help. And Chiaki realizes there is an honor in Keita, one she can respect!

-But, no, Karen will do all the helping. Keita, you don’t need to be looking for a cute little sister. Please go to the arcade and wait for her at once! YES MA’AM! AMANO KEITA, GOING FORTH! Jeez. Chiaki is a little scared now.

-Eventually, Karen arrives to the arcade, with a Chiaki whose sister apparently already went home. And as Karen goes to find a game to play, Chiaki pulls Keita aside and do you get why she’s here with you, you stupid idiot?! Do you understand the favor Karen is doing for you?! You need to do something for her! …You just want to join the games, don’t you. Sh-shut up.

-But Karen’s date-mind has been overtaken by her game-mind and YES THEY CAN PLAY BIG MULTIPLAYER STUFF INSTEAD OF 1v1 NOW COME ON CHIAKI

-And that’s how they end up playing totally-not-Mario-Kart. Where Keita spins out right at the start, but starts to learn the mechanics, holding close behind the others in third place…When he gets the mighty BOMB ROULETTE! It’s so exciting that even the children in the arcade are watching!

-The bomb roulette, the ultimate chance item…A flip of the coin. Either you explode…Or everyone else does. Will he dare to use such a risky item, especially on this track, so close to the finish? He…He lines up with them both, and SLAMS IT DOWN! And whatever way the bomb went, all three got caught in it.

-Karen is just silent until they get to the bus…When she finally just breaks down into the giggles at how ridiculous of a play that was! And that it still ended in him losing when he could have pulled a solid second or even first place if he hadn’t bothered…But she also sees something about Keita. He didn’t use it so he could win. He didn’t throw the match, either. He went for the interesting option. He did the crazy thing that would, win or lose, make for a good story, that would excite the kids watching them play…

-And she’s finding she likes that about him. That wild spark in him…While Keita, Keita respects how she always goes all-out with him. There’s never any going easy…And that’s what he likes about her. As now she’s all blushy and nervous…And he ends up asking if she got that new game Fire Tactics? Of course she did! She’s wanted to talk to someone about it! And so everything relaxes, as the two fall into a shared passion.

-Credits!

You know, these crazy kids might just make it all work out…

…I mean, if it weren’t for the other three people in their life. Between Chiaki, Aguri, and Tasuku, someone is gonna fuck it up. We’ll see who breaks the whole thing next time, in episode EIGHT of GAMERS! Wait for it!

[spideyxchelle]

Kinda angsty hc. Michelle is in the middle of a terror attack and gets injured svang a child from something. Peter is freaking out. You can sork with this How ever you want

OH MAN OH MAN DO I HAVE IDEAS FOR THIS NONSENSE…and also, YAS for MJ not getting kidnapped or some nonsense (although I kind of love that trope, too)…I love the idea of Michelle getting hurt because she is being badass and taking no shit

imagine if you will….

MJ knows that Peter is Spider-man, that is well-established and she is part of the golden trio (ie. Ned and Peter and Michelle) now…like any all Spider-man things that happen in Queens and sometimes even with the Avengers she’s on headset with Ned helping out

and that is how she knows things are going south during a terror attack on New York

some terror organization overseas has gotten a hold of some of Tony’s blueprints for the iron man suit and have mass produced them to terrorize the citizens of New York

the first suit attacks sometime after lunch and Peter and co. (now seniors) are evacuated from school and Peter is off before they can even think straight about how to help him

and Michelle is like DAMN IT PETER because, well, damn it Peter

he can’t just disappear, they need a game plan

by the time Ned and MJ get back to headquarters (ahem, Peter’s bedroom) shit has REALLY hit the fan

the Avengers are mobilizing in Mahattan and Peter is already in the thick of the action with War Machine, they tag team really well

Ned gets on his headset first and its almost too loud, like EXPLOSIONS LEVEL LOUD… “what the hell, Peter?”

and that little bastard disconnects them! which REALLY gets Michelle going. like, that was NOT the plan, Parker. 

she tells Ned to get Peter back on the line however he can… (”how??” “hack the suit, Ned. I don’t know…FIGURE IT OUT!”)….and she is rushing out the door to get downtown to try and help however she can, it feels like a city emergency and there is no way there are enough police officers and ambulances to accommodate an attack of this size 

by the time she gets downtown, which takes waaaaay too long, things are an actual mess. people are screaming, buildings are exploding and the occasional avenger swings overhead trying to take down one of the suits. the WHOLE Avengers team is there now but MJ can’t pay attention, really. they have super powers, they can handle themselves. its the bystanders she’s worried about.

she approaches the nearest ambulance and is like “HOW CAN I HELP?!” and they put shit in her hands and off she goes, bandages and bracing what she can and helping drag people out of the more dangerous zones to safe ones. 

its a mess. she’s a mess. this is a mess.

that’s when she hears the cry….and just past the line into a dangerous zone she sees a little kid with a tuft of black hair standing out among the rubble 

she goes running for the kid as police officers yell to stop her….because oh man oh MAN one of the drones is coming her way and she won’t be able to make it but MJ is not going to leave a little kid out there on her own, not today Satan.

she slides in the muck and coddles the kid against her chest, he’s screaming and crying which would usually irritate her but considering the circumstances she gets it, it’s allowed today of all days.

just beyond the safety zone she passes off the kid to a medic and feels good, feels great actually and then she doesn’t feel much at all. she tips forward and collapses into the ground. her body is screaming in profound pain, like someone or, well, something has shot her. her hands touch her side and it comes away with blood…her blood. oh. f u c k. 

Peter doesn’t see this happen, doesn’t see her fall. he’s in the thick of battle. he’s fighting for his life, for the city’s life. 

when the battle ends, when they win, he hears from Tony that the casualty count is a little less than a hundred and in a city of 8.5 million people that doesn’t feel like a terrible number…its not a great number, it will take a few months for the city to move forward, for things to be okay again, but they saved more people than lost them and at a certain point he’s learned to celebrate that

he calls Ned once he’s been debriefed and he gets the most frantic phone call of his life

“Peter! Oh my god, you’re alive.” “I’m sorry I hung up, I couldn’t concentrate.” “Is MJ with you?” 

no sentence has ever terrified him more than that one

“w-what do you mean?” “she went downtown to help the injured, I guessed she would have found you.”

correction, that sentence is the most terrifying one of his young life. his whole stomach roars in discomfort. 

“you haven’t heard from her?” “she’s not answering her phone.” “Ned, she’s not with me.” AND MJ ALWAYS, ALWAYS as a rule answers her phone. if she’s not…something bad…no he won’t even think about it….he can’t

he asks Karen to run diagnostics of all the nearby hospitals to see if they have any patients named Michelle Jones. she comes up with nothing and Peter panics even more. he changes out of his costume and goes running toward every ambulance he can find. nothing. no one knows who she is, or what she did.

until…he finds an officer that talking to a parent of a child who was saved by “a miraculous young woman, she took a shot in the side for your kid ma’am…you’re very lucky.” peter doesn’t know much but his gut tells him this is her, he’s not sure how he knows but he knows

he’s frantically pulling up his phone and shoving it in the officer’s face “is this the girl?” “yea, that’s her. you her boyfriend?” peter ignores that, “where is she?” “en route to New York Presbyterian”

he’s off again without so much of a thank you to the officer and he’s on his phone, calling Tony grief stricken… “Tony, Tony…I need your help.” his voice must be wrecked because he drops everything post-battle to listen to Peter and find MJ at the hospital….and before he knows it she’s being airlifted to the facility upstate to be treated by the Avenger’s doctors. so like, some of the best in the country. 

when he finally can breathe again, when he’s on his way upstate in Tony’s car, he calls Aunt May and Ned to tell them what happened and where he’s going. he asks May to tell MJ’s parents where she is and that he’ll have Tony send them a car as soon as possible to get upstate.

it’s a long nine hours. whatever MJ got shot with did some real damage to one of her internal organs and, along with the Jones’, he’s sitting nearby the operation room. waiting. its torture. 

sometime around two in the morning Aunt May and Ned arrive. its Aunt May that coaxes him into sleep, convinces him that he fought a city-wide battle today and that he’ll be of more use to MJ with a goodnight sleep under his belt. he doesn’t wanna leave but he’s convinced when Tony reminds him he can always just knock him out and force him to bed. 

his room in the Avenger’s haedquarters is familiar and makes some things very apparent. like, the fact that almost all of his pictures tapped up on the wall have MJ in them. like…fuck…how long has this been going on? how long has he felt like this?? because he knows now how much he cares and it terrifies him. and he shouldn’t have had to almost lose her to know. he should have just….damn it. 

the next morning Ned comes to find him a little after noon (he’s lowkey pissed they all let him sleep that late) to tell him that MJ is awake. her family has been with her all morning and she’s ready to see some other people if Peter’s ready. he throws on his clothes so fast it even startles him. 

he rushes down the metal staircases and slides across the glass to the hospital wing and is about to burst FULL FORCE AHEAD into the room when he hears Tony just beyond the door… “-ortant you take care of yourself. he’d be devastated if something happened to you.”

PETER DOES NOT WANT TO BE GOSSIPED ABOUT so he charges into the room and all the eyes turn to Peter. ALL the eyes. why so many eyes??? why are all the Jones family, Nat, Aunt May, Natasha, Vision and Wanda all in here???? awkward. 

MJ smiles at him, tho, and its suddenly all worth it. 

Tony clears his throat and politely suggest everyone leave. Mrs. Jones kisses MJ on the head as everyone files out and then, just like that, they’re alone. 

Peter sits in the chair next to her bed and the NERDS both start talking at once. cue awkward giggle. MJ shakes her head, “go on, I know you want to say it.”

and damn it, she’s right, “are you crazy? you could have died.” “but you’re allowed to go and risk your life?” “that’s different, i have literal super powers.” “Parker, it was my city, too.”

he shakes his head like she doesn’t get it because she doesn’t okay??? “I don’t care about the stupid city, MJ. I care about-” gulp. 

she leans forward, “care about what?”

“you know what…”

“i wanna hear you say it.”

he finds some courage, “i care about you. if you die, what’s the point of all this?” he gestures around the room like he’s talking about the whole facility, like he’s talking about being an avenger. “i do this to protect the people I love.”

“love?” she stutters.

and peter wants to die. yepppppp. he’s so embarrassed. “it’s a figure of speech.” SURE IT IS PARKER. even Michelle knows better. 

“i’m not going to sit on the sidelines,” she states like its fact. because, well, it is. “and you shouldn’t ask me to.”

“if you get hurt…if you die…i’ll….”

“you’ll what?” he leans over the bed and kisses her forehead, its a desperate source of connection. surprised, she tips her head up to look at him. “what was that for?”  

“i was so worried.” “welcome to my life.” peter has the good grace to look somewhat embarrassed because yea, she’s right, he’s always risking his life. 

she cracks him a smile and taps her lips, “you missed.” he startles, “w-what?” “you kissed my forehead, loser. you missed.” and she taps her lips again. impatient and expectant and just a touch embarrassed.

peter’s face breaks into a grin and he closes the gap between them, their lips barely brushing, the pair of them aware of her new stitches and bruises from the day before. 

when they break apart, she knocks her nose against his, “i’m not going to be the kind of girlfriend that sits on the sidelines, Parker. if I have to worry about you, its only far that you get to worry about me.” 

he kisses her again (because he wants to) “just be careful” she breathes against his mouth and its so sweet he can’t stop smiling, “ditto, spiderling.”

its not the last time MJ is in the thick of the fighting, she always goes to help when she can and it drives Peter crazy. but the best part of a battle is whenever he can collapse in her arms when the fighting is done.

and sure, she gets hurt, but so does he. and somehow it only makes them stronger. 

[spotlightsaga]

Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga reviews... I Love Dick (S01E05) A Short History of Weird Girls Airdate: May 17, 2017 @amazonvideo Ratings: Privatized Ratings @amazon Score: 9.75/10 TVTime/FB/Twitter/Tumblr/Path/Pin: @SpotlightSaga **********SPOILERS BELOW********** The more I watch television... The more I write, review, observe, soak in, and immerse myself into what I'm watching the more I drop certain series, and cling to ones that stir up a thunderous rumble of emotions inside of me. Like Dick's art, sometimes those emotions don't have a name. Maybe they're new, maybe their not, but I feel those emotions with such a surging intensity that I know what I'm watching is beyond just a tv series and literally a piece of moving art, cinematic wonders that maybe aren't for everyone, but sure as hell should be. Amazon Studios' 'I Love Dick' is a special series, one of those rare entries that match and sometimes even surpasses its original source material. This series is literally the equivalent of females embracing their very fiber, their sexual being, and shouting out loud on the top of a mountain, echoing through a massive valley, stirring up birds and wildlife... As if to say, 'I'm here and this is who I am. I will not be shamed.' Although I'm a male, and my sexuality is of a different multi-colored variety, I connect with these women and somehow understand them on an enormously supreme level. 'A Short History of Weird Girls' is 'I Love Dick's masterpiece. As you may have noticed, and as I mentioned earlier, Ive changed the way I watch television. I've been holding onto this series, as I have with others... I actually have watched, documented, and written nearly a hundred unreleased articles. I review them, tweak them, add to them, sculpt them... Because much like this show, my writing has evolved, the way I watch tv has evolved, and the way I release these pieces I've written on these shows have evolved. This episode is somewhat in the vein of last years 'B.A.N' from Donald Glover's FX masterpiece 'Atlanta', in the sense that the core narrative takes a back seat and we are given a whole new point of view from the female characters within the series. Not everyone will see this for what this is, and some may even ridicule my interpretation & impressions, but 'A Short History of Weird Girls' is high art and should be viewed, handled, and studied as such. The more I watch 'I Love Dick' the more I see it's many different layers... It's hyper-feminine POV is Jill Soloway & Chris Kraus' alternative to HBO's hyper-masculine lens we see the show 'Ballers' through. Both shows are under appreciated, and besides that fact, the only thing that they have in common is their extreme opposite handling of how we see their worlds. Maybe 'I Love Dick' is actually less of a feminist masterpiece and more of a honest, existential, tribute to an open, bold, unchained and aggressive look at female sexuality... Sexuality in general, and where embracing it can take us. It makes me long for a truly honest look at the male take on sexuality, but 'Ballers' and it's earnest admissions that masculinity can so easily drive towards toxic levels with a snap of a finger, I know my wish is probably losing its way in the wind... At least for now. What if everyone wrote Dick letters? Chris Kraus (Kathryn Hahn) poses an interesting question at the very beginning of the episode and then suddenly that reality comes to life in one of the most vibrant, sexually charged and sensual episodes of television not only in 2017, but ever. Yes, people are throwing around the word 'Revolutionary' when it comes to 'I Love Dick' because that's exactly what it is. People as a whole never quite grasp 'revolutionary' at first do they? Chris starts off her letter at the beginning, as all characters do, and we join them on their individual journeys of sexual awakening & personal drive. She talks about her time in high school, her willingness to literally give herself to anyone, male or female, but never having any takers. Finally during her College Years, she's taken, fucked. That first encounter intoxicates her... What is it that made this man want her so badly? What was it that he found beautiful? Her mind wonders to all the things he doesn't mention, after all, we are insecure beings... Even the most confident person in the room has something in the back of their mind that they compensate for. We are imperfect... But for me, that's exactly what I find so perfect about the human form.... Imperfections, Sadness, a little bit of crazy, 'cuz, aren't we all? Chris, Devon (Roberta Colindrez), Paula (Lily Mojekwu), and Toby (India Menuez) all share their letters to Dick, chronicling his particular effects on their lives... Sexually and otherwise. They recall past lovers, current ones that they feel strong disconnect with, and that disconnect is chronicled with images of both positive and negative experiences. As the experiences head into more heartbreaking territory, or difficult memories to interpret, their sexual escapades are shown and the women are erased leaving a fading, cartoonish like presence of each woman as they are entangled with their lovers or the confusion with their burgeoning sexuality... Much like the short film 'Removed' that this very episode opens with where Tribeca Film Festival 'Jury Award' Nominee & experimental filmmaker, Naomi Uman, creates a series of clips of vintage porn and erases the women's images using fingernail polish remover. Each women's entry is captivating for separate reasons and encapsulates the Bright Eye's brainchild and this generations' Bob Dylan, Connor Oberst, idea that 'every heads a different world'. Sexuality is unique to every one person, male and female, and it's so goddamn refreshing to see, hear, and feel the lusty, powerful force of honesty in approach when it comes to sexual identity. Chris strikes up the dialogue as straight forward as it gets, "Dear Dick, I've been horny since I was six. I used to press my crotch into the belly of my stuffed rhino in the family room of our duplex in Cleveland, Ohio. I loved to hump him in front of our sitter Karen Harris. I used to say that Rhino was hungry and that I needed to feed him... And then Karen went away to college and I didn't feel like doing it anymore." As humans, we ARE sexual beings... Aren't you tired of feeling ashamed of certain impulses that occur naturally within your body? Even before I was six I had these feelings. My situation may have been unique and incredibly polarizing to the majority, and most likely this isn't the show, or should I say segment, to discuss every detail as to how I got to that point so early. It wouldn't exactly be considered a natural occurrence... But even my situation is more common than most people would like to admit, or flat out refuse to admit. All I know is that children should not be punished for acting on these impulses in an innocent manner. We should be asking more questions as to how they got there, but unfortunately people don't want to hear that answer. We are not disgusting or wrong for thinking about sex. Creating a taboo around certain subjects just catapults those very subjects into a high number of internet searches and 'behind-closed-doors' fetishes. Relationships are not as easy as everyone wants them to be. Monogamy might not exactly be obtainable the way most will it to be. Our desires for inclusiveness may just stem from a melodramatic inherited human trait of selfishness, an unwillingness to let those grow around us, because we want to own something. Whether its a relationship or a person within that relationship, the idea that it's "yours" is actually absurd. We can devote ourselves to someone, but in the end we are human. There are certain voids that exist in this life that we need to fill, as animals, as human beings. That's not to say someone can't sustain a healthy relationship with another for 50+ years, its just to say that we all have our own paths. Even if as people our paths are destined to intertwine... Like Devon and Chris... We still must continue to grow and move forward at our own rates, careful to not become codependent. Devon talks about Dick's strong masculine energy as something she embraces and emulates (unlike Chris who wants to take it in any which way she can), turning bits and pieces of it into her own. She uses that 'Dick Swag' to woo other women for sport, but when she falls in love away at college and her heart is broken she drops out of school and tosses her dreams out behind her on her way back to Texas. But it's there where Devon meets Chris and suddenly becomes inspired, tho briefly distracted by the free spirited, India. It's India who sees Dick as or through yet another color of light, Chris' is glowing red, Devon's an iridescent indigo, India's color is much more difficult... A damaged, slightly cracked, creamy shade of yellow... She had an intellectually and creatively stimulating home in New Mexico but her father, John Willis (played by People of Earth's Luka Jones) is a writer of children's books, so therefore felt like he could touch her. India doesn't seem too affected by this as she rattles it off like a cold, but natural fact of life. And here is where I once again am inspired to tell you, the reader, who may or may not know what that feels like... Suddenly the place where I talk about 'my situation' and deem Chris' experience close to mine, but an insufficient place to explore even a second of my experience becomes much more real... And much more appropriate. You see, like India, some of us are taught how to act on sexual behaviors at a young age. We all don't just experiment naturally like Paula, who talks about how seeing her mother's tampon string suddenly pushes her away from her youthful obsession of her mother or how masturbating at a young age became uninteresting once she learned there was a name for it... Hence Paula's infatuation for Dick's massive protruding, structural masculine art that has no name, no specific identity, no title... Some of us have a bit of a push, or an inappropriate 'class', if you will. India seems to be a 'victim' of non-violent sexual abuse as a young child. This is where things get very fucking confusing, because you see... As I mentioned before, India quickly rattles off this fact and sweeps on to the next. Why is that? In my own personal experience, it's extremely difficult to decipher just what sexual abuse is, especially when one isn't physically hurt or 'traditionally forced' into anything. I've written on the subject before and was met with polarizing responses. One young woman asked if she could take me home recently and drove me through the busy intersecting freeways, highways, backroad byways, and long winding ramps & roundabouts from the west end of Miami all the way to the tip of coastal Miami Beach, all the while with tears in her eyes relating to my written experiences, giving me a vivid account of her own. No one wants to see themselves as a victim, not REAL victims anyway. This idea of 'victim culture' is scoffed at by those who have been through it. Some of us may be victims, but we refuse to let that define us, or use it to try and gain sympathy or attention, applying it to causes or whatever it may be, because then suddenly we are admitting defeat or are forever trapped in those moments. The same moments we rarely tell anyone, or ever express. So when my words were recently met with disdain and accusations that I was trying to define sexual abuse in any way, I simply had to laugh. Once again, 'Every head is a different world'. The spectrum is huge, but I personally will not allow myself to be a victim, just like India it's a passing fact, it happened, it's part of my story... But you can't have it, it can't be more than what I'm giving it now... And my experience is simply one example, as is any other. Although slightly damaged, and beautiful in that fact, India captivates all in her presence... Unfortunately she leaves them a bit broken, just as she is. Trudging on, she turns porn into art at Columbia University, even centering her final undergrad thesis around the shapes of a woman's face as she sucks two cocks. For her PHD, she presented a written & visual presentation of what's known as 'gaping' in pornography. If you don't know what that is and you haven't watched the show, I'll let you explore that one at your own discretion. Her professors are a bit horrified and one even suggests she moves towards Gender Studies, much like India I would have laughed that off. I've always found such subjects to be pretentious and divisive, but hey, that's me. As a male, and according to one troll on the #BoilerRoom's comment section who took offense (and hammered down my context) to comments I made during an Oakland, CA show where one of the worst DJ Sets I've ever seen took place on a grand platform (that most people would kill to have) by some wealthy, frankly bored looking hopeful (whose passion and talents self-admittedly lie elsewhere), "I'm a 'washed up raver cis-male' who can't accept females in positions of power" (boy, he got that one comically incorrect, welcome to the 2017, age of the Internet). My comments were light and I was even trying to be supportive, saying that maybe that DJ could get better in time, my point was that she had gained that opportunity through either knowing someone or good looks. Men have created that opportunity for women to use, and I'm not saying that it isn't a legitimate way in... But my comments were taken out of context. You should be able to perform however you want, looking however you wan... But without passion, you are simply taking up an opportunity for the next person in line. A bit of research indicated she has had the opposite road of some of my strong, female musician acquaintances and friends of whom I list as fierce inspirations of my own work (however I do not and would never take away the common denominator of the grand, all-relatable human struggle). I have called upon & channeled the inspirations of women like long time Indianapolis & Midwest treasure, Techno Powerhouse, DJ Shiva, or now worldwide success and frankly G.O.A.T. House Music Legend, The Black Madonna. These women worked so hard & sacrificed so much & never rested on their laurels. I am inspired by strong females, but I don't necessarily see them as just females, I see them as human beings, who like me, have had to work a little harder to get where they're at. No one has handed me anything, and many times when I had something, I blew it. We are all working against something, someone, ourselves, time... My inspirations in life are a direct product of my environment, just like the different presentations of myself over the years. And no one will take away my freedom of speech, right to an opinion (whether it's agreed with or not), or use a term like 'cis-male' to insinuate that I don't understand what it's like to be discriminated against, to be confused about who and what I am, the complexities of human sexuality, and so on and so forth. I often tell people about my first experience in Chicago at the age of 12. I went to the Art Institute of Chicago with a large group of my fellow schoolmates, but i broke free from the pack and wondered into rooms unaccompanied. I found myself suddenly surrounded by 'Impressionist & Post-Impressionist' Paintings, peppered with Medieval & Renaissance Art. My eyes centered on this massive painting that literally popped out of the wall, surrounded by a low lying rope, to keep people away from its magnificence, but their view unobstructed... It was Georges Seurat's 1884 pointillist painting 'A Sunday Afternoon on La Grande Jatte. I felt small and insignificant, like one of the pinpoint dots that made up what seemed like a million little dots that made up the painting. I've always had trouble describing that memorable moment, but Paula knocked it out in one line while describing how Dick's art made her feel, "It evoked in me a feeling of boundlessness... It was fucking terrifying." Yes, that's exactly it. 'Dear Great Man, Genius, Loner, Cowboy', India lists off Dick's accomplishments in the most condescending tone she can possibly channel. India had previously known of Dick through the Art History books her parents had lying around the house. Dick's was her favorite, not in the normal sense. She is young. She has known pain. She has worked hard to get where she is at. India is beautiful, but she doesn't use that to her advantage to succeed. She takes the hardest route possible, because she simply doesn't want what everyone else wants and she knows that anything worth having in this life doesn't come free... And that's something I can connect to. 'Dear Dick, We are not far from your doorstep.' Yasss, Queen! Jill Soloway just directed a fn' knockout... And the all female writing staff, this one headed by Annie Baker and Heidi Schreck deserve a Spotlight Saga nomination for Achievement in Writing... And Soloway for Directing. India's final words to Dick sent a surge of electricity through my body. This is exactly how I look at the AV Club. Knock Knock.

[vpetme-blog]

Week 5

This was the week Karen and Andy were away receiving their award in Tokyo. Lucky for us, we had an assignment due to distract us from how much we miss them. ;) 

How can design connect us?

This was my question. 

This is a topic that I’m very passionate about. My ultimate goal through design and through life is to learn how to connect people. In a time where we are so connected through technology, yet so disconnected as people...asking these kinds of questions and implementing them through my work is fundamental to me. 

I think its important to note that I had quite a few other assignments due that week, so this was all done last minute. I quite literally called my friend asking her to partake in the photoshoot a day before the due date. To my luck, she quickly invited a boy that she was meant to see that day, and together, the three of us we went into a room, put some music on, set up the camera and off we went. I got lucky. But I think being able to chose a topic that inspires me and that I am passionate about, allowed this to all came together in the end. However, I do wish I time managed a little better. It wasn’t until the following day (due date) I had MANY ideas rushing through my head of how to further expand on this project - but I unfortunately had no time to.

Here is the product: 

Bellow is something I wrote a while ago, which explains my idea behind this quetion:

As human beings, we are hardwired to need connection, love and belonging. Without these, there is always going to be suffering. Here’s the paradox. In Western society we’re taught to be independent, and in this independent way of living, consumerism misleads us to believe that the superficial, such as money, status, possessions, even ego, is what truly makes us happy. When in actual do you want to know what we truly long for? Community and connection. I’m not saying that your job and having enough money won’t make you happy, but if you don’t have meaningful relationship with people to share all of that with, there will be struggle. A very simple concept, yet some people go their entire lives slaving away, forgetting to give time to what’s really important, in constant wonder of what’s missing.

(The moment we stop self obsessing and start wanting to see the person next to us do as good as us - to the point where we want to help them get there, no matter who they are - is the moment people’s lives will change forever).

We need connections with people. But I’m not just talking about the surface level kind. A lot of people have surface level connections that they mistake for real connection, and this is where the problem begins. Friendship groups can have surface level connections. Even families can have surface level connections. The truth is that you can be in a room full of people that you have surface level connections with (with some who you consider closest to you), and yet still feel completely alone. We seek for deep and meaningful connections, love and belonging, and no one should stop until they find them.

[hellooogaynow]

1-100

omg ok tbh i forgot that i reblogged that ask thing but thank u fren here u go

1. spotify, soundcloud, or pandora? 

spotify

2. is your room messy or clean?

um ok so my room at my mom’s is technically the office and just full of mine and everyone else’s storage so it isn’t really my room i guess and my room at my dad’s is nearly empty and i haven’t been there more than a couple times in a while and i’ve been crashing at friend’s and family’s houses and living out of a suitcase for weeks so i’m just gonna say i don’t really have a room

3. what color are your eyes?

dark brown

4. do you like your name? why?

alright well this is complicated because i hate the name emily and lately i’ve been going by emmitt for a while and it’s just weird because i feel so disconnected from emily and not super connected to emmitt either and i feel like i should just be a nameless person because i hate being referred to as anything tbh

5. what is your relationship status?

happily in a relationship with someone i really care about

6. describe your personality in 3 words or less

a detached mess

7. what color hair do you have?

my natural dark brown color

8. what kind of car do you drive? color?

ah it’s a purple mini van that’s rusting and dying

9. where do you shop?

target lol

10. how would you describe your style?

almost exclusively button ups and baseball shirts

11. favorite social media account?

tumblr probably i use this the most out of all of them

12. what size bed do you have?

queen

13. any siblings?

i have 2 sisters

14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

i honestly have no idea how to answer this question i don’t have a dream destination or anything

15. favorite snapchat filter?

omg probably the cute cat one that changes ur voice cuz my friends look so cute when they use it

16. favorite makeup brand(s)?

i don’t know anything about makeup

17. how many times a week do you shower?

every day sometimes multiple times a day

18. favorite tv show?

buffy the vampire slayer and dollhouse kill me

19. shoe size?

idk i’m pretty sure i’m a 6

20. how tall are you?

5’1

21. sandals or sneakers?

sneakers

22. do you go to the gym?

no lol but i do plan to start going once i actually move in to my new place and get settled

23. describe your dream date

i want to spend a day in chicago with emily doing whatever we want just walking and wandering into stores and go to a zoo or a museum or navy pier or honestly just anything at this point i miss her so much i don’t care what we do as long as we’re together

24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

$6

25. what color socks are you wearing?

they’re both different variations of black white and light blue

26. how many pillows do you sleep with?

at least 2

27. do you have a job? what do you do?

yeah i recently got a job in the mental health field and i work primarily with adults with various mental illnesses in a 24/7 supervised living area at the moment it’s mostly individuals dealing with schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, depression, and borderline personality disorder and i help them with symptom management, building the skills they have chosen to work on in their treatment plans, and help them carry activities of daily living so they can become self-sufficient and can transition out and live on their own

28. how many friends do you have?

ah i mean i know i have a lot of friends but as far as really close friends i know i can count on and will most likely always have around i’d say i have about 8

29. whats the worst thing you have ever done?

ah fuck well i went through a really destructive phase in my recent past where i was just in a bad place and i withdrew and lashed out a lot and was super emotionally unstable and i hurt a lot of people and i regret it

30. whats your favorite candle scent?

omg i have no idea i usually just smell all the blue ones and go from there

31. 3 favorite boy names

elliot (this is my favorite name in the world probably)

max

derrick

32. 3 favorite girl names

bennett

caroline

sara

33. favorite actor?

i thought about this for a solid 5 minutes and no one is coming to mind i’m gonna leave this blank

34. favorite actress?

eliza dushku and alyson hannigan kill me every time i watch dollhouse or buffy i’m in love with her

35. who is your celebrity crush?

amber liu

36. favorite movie?

selena

37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

i used to read a lot when i was a kid and the music of dolphins by karen hesse has always stuck with me for some reason idk if it’s my favorite but when i was a kid i checked it out at least once a month on our elementary library visits and even now i always find myself thinking about it

38. money or brains?

well if u don’t have money u can’t survive in this capitalist society so i mean

but if this question is asking what i want in a person i’d want the smart

39. do you have a nickname? what is it?

my family calls me mimi and tbh it’s the only thing i actually feel comfortable with weirdly

40. how many times have you been to the hospital?

i’ve been to the hospital multiple times to visit people but i don’t remember actually needing to be there myself besides when i burned my hands as a child

41. top 10 favorite songs

this is def subject to change depending on my mood at any given moment but for right now:

hold me tight by bts

house of cards by bts

lie by bts

all mine by one ok rock

deeper deeper by one ok rock

we are by one ok rock

decision by one ok rock

clock strikes by one ok rock

como la flor by selena

moon river waltz by shinee

42. do you take any medications daily?

no i had issues with family and insurance so i had to stop seeing my psych and taking meds

43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

dry

44. what is your biggest fear?

my mom having anything else bad happen to her

45. how many kids do you want?

this is most likely not going to be my choice lol i don’t have a number in mind if i do have kids

46. whats your go to hair style?

short and whatever it wants to do when i get out of the shower

47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

well i don’t really live in a house rn but my mom’s house is huge she just moved in and it’s crazy big i’m so happy for her also the house i’m gonna move into soon is p small but still cute

48. who is your role model?

idk probably my mom she’s been through a lot and is still going strong

49. what was the last compliment you received?

“you’re so sweet, you know that?” from a client

50. what was the last text you sent?

“nini

51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

tbh i have no idea i was probably in elementary school

52. what is your dream car?

something that runs, is either blue or grey, and magically doesn’t cost me anything to drive it

53. opinion on smoking?

it smells terrible and i don’t like to be around people who smoke

54. do you go to college?

yeah i just graduated

55. what is your dream job?

i have no idea i don’t know what i want i haven’t really thought that far ahead but i love my job so far so i’m alright with where i’m at

56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

i don’t really have a preference as long as i’m with and near people i care about

57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

i don’t think i’ve ever personally done that

58. do you have freckles?

yeah i have a couple scattered around

59. do you smile for pictures?

i make this weird stupid half smile face and i can’t stop

60. how many pictures do you have on your phone?

761

61. have you ever peed in the woods?

i have not

62. do you still watch cartoons?

i never want to not watch cartoons

63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from wendy’s or mcdonalds?

i don’t like chicken nuggets from anywhere

64. favorite dipping sauce?

wait for what

i like soy sauce for potstickers

65. what do you wear to bed?

usually shorts and a t shirt

66. have you ever won a spelling bee?

no i’m terrible at spelling out loud

67. what are your hobbies?

i like to dance idk not much else tho i guess

68. can you draw?

nooooo

69. do you play an instrument?

i played guitar once but i forgot everything smh

70. what was the last concert you saw?

the bts wings tour

71. tea or coffee?

tea

72. starbucks or dunkin donuts?

dunkin donuts

73. do you want to get married?

yes

74. what is your crush’s first and last initial?

e g

75. are you going to change your last name when you get married?

i’ve thought about this actually and i’m mostly just hesitant about how difficult it would be to change my name on like all the legal paperwork and like bills and work things and it just sounds super complicated but i wish it could be easier because i hate where my last name comes from and if i married my current gf we would literally have the exact same name and we would be able to confuse people even more and i just think it would be funny

76. what color looks best on you?

black i think

77. do you miss anyone right now?

yes oh my god

78. do you sleep with your door open or closed?

closed always closed

79. do you believe in ghosts?

yeah i do

80. what is your biggest pet peeve?

ok i get so mad when i go to a friend’s place who has long hair and i’m walking barefoot through their house or i’m sleeping over or i’m under a blanket or something and it just makes me so mad when i feel dumb long single strands of hair in my toes i hate it so much it makes me so mad idk man but this happened to me last night and i’ve been thinking about it ever since

81. last person you called?

ah well the last phone call that i was on was with the director of all the residential living things at my work

82. favorite ice cream flavor?

idk probably chocolate and vanilla with caramel

83. regular oreos or golden oreos?

regular oreos

84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

no sprinkles pls

85. what shirt are you wearing?

black and grey v neck t shirt

86. what is your phone background?

a picture of my gf i took a while back of her from a distance with the river and sunset in the background

87. are you outgoing or shy?

shy with everyone besides my friends

88. do you like it when people play with your hair?

only like a very specific like 2 people but when it’s anyone else i get really uncomfortable with being touched and you’d think that people wouldn’t just come up to you and start touching your hair and telling you how soft it is but it’s more common than you think and it makes me want to d ie

89. do you like your neighbors?

my nonexistent neighbors r gr8

90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

i always wash it in the morning but sometimes i wash it at night too if i feel gross from the day

91. have you ever been high?

nope never

92. have you ever been drunk?

yes

93. last thing you ate?

a blizzard from dairy queen with pieces of brownies in it

94. favorite lyrics right now

ok i’m gonna be honest and just say i’m not in a place to listen to music rn i’ve been listening to exclusively podcasts and i have not listened to a song and not zoned out completely during it in a very long time and no lyrics are coming to mind

95. summer or winter?

summer

96. day or night?

night

97. dark, milk, or white chocolate?

ah milk or white i guess i’m not a super big fan tho

98. favorite month?

june cuz my birthday also gay

99. what is your zodiac sign

gemini

100. who was the last person you cried in front of?

my dad

[mrtroy]

Happy Birthday, Bro

Hey Bro –

In honor of your thirtieth birthday, I fired up the YouTube and gave a listen to Tim McGraw’s “Next Thirty Years.” I had to get into a reflective mood to write you a little note, and I figured no better way to do it than with what I’m sure is probably your 2nd or 3rd least favorite song of all time…

This correspondence can only get better from here, right?

In case you have a lot going on and don’t have time right now to read a few thousand words about yourself, I want you to know how much I love you and how I proud I am that you’re my brother.

If you do have a few more minutes, there’s more to it than that.

It’s hard to know how to start this note because I had never gotten to this point in my head. Somehow we’re both in our thirties now. You’re married. You and Kaitlin have been together for more than a decade. She feels like my sister. When we come to visit your house, I get excited the way I used to when we’d visit Grandpenny in Bethany. Coming with Mom these last few Mother’s Days has turned into the type of tradition that I’d always hoped we’d build. And it’s actually happening. It’s so cool.

I don’t know exactly what I expected growing up, but as I was talking to a stranger on an airplane this week, she said that her seven and ten-year old boys have a plan to always live and work and be together their whole lives… I laughed as she said it, but then I realized that subconsciously, I think I had always kind of figured our lives would play out similarly. When Mom would remind us that we were the only brothers either of us were ever going to have, I always envisioned us in close proximity to one another. I always figured I’d be able to see you every day if I wanted.

And then life happened. I went away to school. Then you went to SLU, I started working and before I knew it, you were in St. Louis for good. I look back on yours and Mom’s trip to Colorado when I was out there with Baseball Youth, and it was like I’d forgotten how much fun we could have together. I look at all your ridiculous pictures you took of me on the Rose Bowl trip and I forget what it must have been like for you to all the sudden just never have your brother home.

When I went to Nashville, I felt so disconnected from you. I didn’t know how to keep in touch. I was so busy trying to make a life and a career that I didn’t really think about you much. It’s embarrassing to admit, but it’s true.

All of this to say, I’m so glad we’re in a good rhythm of communication now. I can’t wait to walk to the train each evening after work and call you. I love the days when you get a good price on chicken thighs at the grocery. I don’t always know how to use – or even know what all the tools are that you’re always buying at Home Depot, but I love hearing your reasoning for buying them and your excitement to make something with them. It is pure joy for me to have you teach me about soccer, to hear you lament Spurs latest match (did I punctuate that right?), or laud Harry Kane. For some reason, it’s so gratifying to me that your interests are all yours. That for every hour you heard me carrying on about baseball, golf or business, you weren’t afraid to dive into your own interests and make them ‘your things.’

It has been inspiring to see the way that you love and support Kaitlin. There was an afternoon just before I moved into Central West End where Kaitlin needed you.  The day got to her and she went into your room and started crying. We had been doing something in the family room, and you immediately stopped what you were doing and went to comfort her. You calmly shut the door to your room and for the next fifteen minutes or so I could hear you just calmly talking to her. I couldn’t make out what you were saying, and that obviously wasn’t my business. I marveled at how collected you were. Clearly you didn’t get that from Pops (sorry, Pops), and it even seemed different than the way Mom would handle something like that. I realized, it was your way. I hadn’t seen that side of you before. It made me pause. And then smile. I hope that, if given the opportunity to react a certain way in a situation like that, I respond with the same grace you displayed in that moment.

I don’t know if you’ve been following along much on Facebook, but it has been excruciatingly hard to watch Aunt Karen’s battle with cancer these last few weeks and months. But, there’s something I hope we can learn from it in our next thirty years. (I think we’re about half way home in this note – I had to circle back to the Tim McGraw lyric to continue with the theme I introduced early on. Sorry)

As I have watched Aunt Karen fight these last few weeks, it has been amazing to me to observe how her kids have supported her, and each other. Di and Alicia have helped keep many people informed via social media. Di is as raw in her emotions as you’d expect. Alicia, as goofy and upbeat as you ever might hope in a time such as this. Kevin, I know has been sending a lot of private messages and keeping other people in the loop. Not to mention taking two trips down there to see her. Dan doesn’t say much, but he’s in every picture, there, present, supporting everyone in his way.

I hope that as life challenges us, I hope we will stay current with each other, and stay unified our the support of family and each other. I hope you will continue to pick up the phone when Mom calls. I hope you will continue to send Pops pictures of your latest projects, or what you’ve spent all day grilling.

I hope that when someone asks how you are, that I will always know. And, not just know in the sense that sense that my stock answer is, ‘he’s good.’ If you’re not good, I want to know. You don’t have to tell me every detail, but if you need to, please know that you can.

I hope that you will keep telling me the things you’re learning. From windshield wiper repair to coaching quiz bowl. I hope you will never feel like there’s a topic from a podcast that I don’t care enough to hear about, or some obscure tidbit about the Premier League.

My life is a relational one. I get so much joy in sharing in the lives of the people I care about. And no one’s more than yours. I don’t do things the way you do things. You’re hands-on. You dive in. I watch. I observe. I reflect. But I hope that we will always cherish the ways in which our differences make us uniquely us.

I don’t often feel qualified to give you advice. You rarely need it from me, but I’m gonna give you some today. Consider it for a few minutes, if you might.  

Invest more in every relationship in your life. I realize that there are a lot of people you come in contact with every day, and to be blunt, I know there are a good lot of them you don’t much care for. But even still, pour into everyone you know. You have so much to offer them, even if they don’t provide you much in return. It’s not always what you get from them, but what you can give them. You are a great friend to your selected few, but I have seen your circles shrink in the past few years. I hope as the seasons of your life change and more people come into your life, I hope that you will open your heart to them and pour into them. This may not mean having potlucks at the house every week, but the little opportunities you get each day to either reach out, or retract, I hope you’ll reach out. Say hi to Bob when he’s ambling around in his driveway. When Mom wants you to guess what she heard on the radio today – and it could literally be any of three million things – humor her, and guess a couple things good spiritedly. Keep fighting for the kids who don’t care about math. Keep inspiring the teachers who may have forgotten why they teach. Don’t let the years under your belt harden your heart.

And with that, I’ve said all I want to say.

It’s been a blast so far, Bromar Garciaparra (Brośe Canseco also received consideration).

I hope we can do it even better in our next thirty years.

Love, 

M.

[sals-geno]

fr fr

See I think the basic issue here is nobody knows what "proship" actually means.

No Patrick, it does not mean you exclusively ship fucked up dynamics on purpose or endorse them in real life.

It means you don't give a shit, you mind your manners, and you're not a fucking fanpol nark.

Any questions?