#youre afraid to draw fat people arent you.

[girlashfur]

when someone draws every character in the mouthwashing cast EXCEPT swansea. it says something

[howlitecritical]

New character arcs and new back story because canon sucks again

Main 4 cast with notes on characters that need notes for changes to make sense  Garnet: yesyesyesyesyeysyes everything good about this show. There’s not enough garnet centric things where she’s just herself and not about ruby and sapphire. More information on Garnet. Shes stoicly funny and just murders people with words sometimes. show her being rose’s top tactician. turning the tides of the war that were never in the crystal gem’s favor. maybe theres a fun earth thing shes into. Her room is the heart of the temple for a reason now. Its a balance between pearl and amethyst. The bubbles are organized, but she has her own side space with things she does as hobbies. She has a collection of antique books that she likes to read lava side and she often meditates to see corrupted gems and a future in which the CGs encounter them. maybe she even draws them out to combine ruby’s need to Do with sapphire's need to Know. Fusion is still very important to her, but not she has plot relevant interests that make sense with her character. Her character arc involves her being the first of her kind. shes something completely new! just like steven is. and for that not to bind them together is silly. She wants the best for steven and he makes her want to be an even better leader now that rose is gone and shes the only one left. she makes him think about his actions and slows down his hyper activity when he or amethyst are trying to do something reckless. From him she learns that it’s okay to let her guard down more. Homeworld might come back, but it’s not all on her shoulders. the CGs are a family and they’ll protect everyone together. Garnet in jailbreak is the first time we know shes a fusion and before that we get more about her character not just from environment around her, but her reactions to things. Maybe she feels like she needs to be in control because shes afraid that without rose, homeworld is more a danger than ever.

Amethyst: I like most of her progression actually!!! a few things I’d mess with is when she’s unnecessary hurtful to people she loves, like greg, when she shape shifted into rose, and peridot when she all but threw her stuff into the ocean. these things need to be gotten rid of, or addressed by the narrative. I’d also like to see her hanging around Vidalia wayyyyy sooner or to have a reason why they dont. As for reasons, maybe Amethyst did or said something hurtful toward her, lashing out at her for whatever reason that made their friendship strained. while a decade is a long time for a human, for a gem its nothing. so while she feels bad, Am’ isnt going to apologize herself!!! she didnt do anything wrong!!! and maybe Vidalia is the first person steven convinces her to apologize to. Steven teaches her compassion and is, in return, the gem he can relate to the best. He goes to her first with gem issues and she acts like an older sibling, trying to teach him or cover up mistakes so pearl and garnet dont find out. I think i’d like a progression of Am’ refusing to apologize to Vidalia, realizing that she was wrong and apologizing to greg, but he breaks down and can’t move past that, rendering their friendship difficult and strained as a “sometimes apologizing isnt enough and you have to change your behavior“ and then the third beat with peridot either not happening at all, where she doesnt throw someone’s comfort items into the ocean which, i think steven shouldve realized and stopped her from doing anyway, BUT if you just NEED that mistake on her part, i feel like this could be a “sometimes, you dont know how bad you hurt someone and you should apologize when you find out“ with peridot being hurt and not talking to her and amethyst has to do a big gesture to show shes sorry. I also feel like that fleshes out amedot as a ship and while i dont care about who peridot ends up with, i care about story and the way im going to make this story go, lapis will be in that fun moral grey area and i want more options in terms of story telling and of fan choice. Also!!! explore the possibility of her being deep cut and thats why shes a runt. she only looks smaller but has all these strengths because of it!!! it fits in really well and bismuth or peridot maybe because she was made for kindergardening, could tell her about it and watch her get excited because shes not ”wrong“ she never came out “wrong“ shes just different and thats okay!

Pearl: Was white diamond’s pearl, first of all! that makes every interaction more interesting, because no only did she defect from homeworld, but she defected from the Queen of homeworld and everything it stood for basically. We learn more about how homeworld operates and what places in society each gem fits from pearl, because while she doesn’t believe it herself, she isn’t kept from talking about diamonds now and what one she served. in this funky fresh au, she is sent by white to make sure the new diamond they’re cultivating from earth comes out properly (aka where the fuck did russia go) and getting her equipped with all of the technology she would need to properly rule. this is where she first meets a quartz soldier. at first she’s taken aback by the quartz’s forwardness, no one had ever talked to her like... an equal before. shes not sure if shes allowed to speak, though, she knows theyre waiting for a response. Their first interactions always begin with her requesting permission to speak. They have to wait a few more years for pink to emerge and while they’re there they slowly become friends as the life is leeched out of the area. we could have a snapshots of them waiting for together, rose getting bored and convincing pearl to come do things with her, slowly breaking her out of her shell. Pearl’s difficulty and character arc comes from not just rose and getting over her feelings, which is perfectly fine, but doesnt need to be her only trait, but finding out who she is now, not just after rose, but with humanity as a whole. with the war well and truly over. she wants to learn about what rose thought was so important to fight for, to die for, and because of that, we get her partaking in human activities that arent eating or drinking, because she still dislikes them. While Garnet reads and collects books, i think pearl being really into her weapons collection is a good idea to flesh her out more. Where did she get her swords from? Well thats a mystery. She mentions someone she cared about a long time ago made them for her and thus we get some fun bismuth foreshadowing.

Rose:  And rose..... god... we could of had it all by adele plays in the background anytime i think about her. Here we have a very beautiful fat woman. Shes framed as elegant and regal by the show time and time again and i LOVED that. however after the pink diamond reveal, I have such mixed feelings about her. No more diamond bullshit. Shes the first gem that popped out. Technically she’s too early and she goes to stand guard around the birthplace of her diamond. That is where she and pearl first meet. Pearl is the first gem she ever talks to and while she innately knows stuff about home world, shes pick up a lot from the humans that live nearby. theyve shown her kindness and given her furs to wear and in turn she helped them heal their wounded by crying on them. (yes she still has healing powers sue me) she loves the humans and takes to befriending them before pearl shows up. The two of them get close and after pink diamond pops out, rose realizes what the creation of gems truly means for the world around her. They’re killing what was here before them. This isn’t creation. It’s an invasion. Being the only quartz out so far, shes forced into the role of commander for pink. Her favored soldier. And the more she does what she was “made for” the more she hates it and the more she hates the diamond authority. she convinces pink that some humans are worth keeping. As a curiosity, my diamond. they could prove useful to terraforming other planets or moons to accept life and in time, gem cultivation.  She gets poofed while trying to save someone from the group of people she first made friends with. Maybe pink shatters whoever poofed her for not following her orders because of course Rose wouldnt defy her. rose is Loyal, unlike the rest of you lack luster garbage. Rose comes back with her iconic dress and shes here and queer and shes fucking Done with this shit. she hears about the shattering on her behalf and she goes to pink and asks why and she feels sick to her stomach because star, my diamond, she isnt Worth it. she isnt worth the cost of someone else’s whole Life!!! Oh rose... you’ve always been soft hearted. in this time, Pearl is quietly there. waiting to be called back by white as pink pearl has just been sent to take her place. And this is it. This is the moment rose decides to rebel. according to homeworld, her life should be no more than any other quartz. her life shouldnt be traded for that of others. So why? Why did pink do this? Do the gems in her court mean nothing to her? This is the first time a gem has ever summoned two weapons. A Sword and Shield. A knight turning on her master. She tried to attack pink. to poof her. to send a message right here and now that gems are all equal. that a lowly rose quartz is strong enough to take on a diamond! She fails, but only partly. she manages to strike a blow, but pink stays in tact long enough to strike on of her own, sending rose retreating into her gem. This is when pearl has to make a choice. No matter what she’d be shattered. Pink’s wrath when she reforms, white’s when she finds out about what happened. This is a death sentence. But if its a death sentence, its one she’ll choose for herself. she takes rose’s shield and uses the face of it to shatter pink herself, scooping up rose’s gem and getting as far away as fast as she can. This is the start of a war.

Steven: Oh boi. So i love steven, but theres moments where hes just... not good and the story doesnt stop him from doing that. So if were gonna say hes a kid with emotion based powers, we know hes soft and sweet and excitable. sometimes he pushes people too far because hes trying to do what he thinks is best. I want him to wrestle with the fact that his mom, this person everyone says is good, killed someone. she did something so horrible and she never killed anyone again, but she still did it once. I’d like him to get bits and pieces of his mothers memories and so we get to see the world and flashback things that happened in real time. Maybe he tries to talk to pearl about it, but she still wont instead of cant. He feels like an outcast and everyone would rather his mom be there, but they have him instead. basically a lot of his earlier character arc stuff before garnet and pearl talk to him about how homeworld was. They dont think hes old enough to hear about war, but it seems war is coming back and hes unprepared to face it without learning more. he facilitates more interactions with the townies and now its not just a war of gems against gems, they have humans on their side too and they’ll win!  

[mapleleafstrash]

Offbeat - Auston Matthews

Annonymous said: maybe an auston matthews imagine where you somehow ended up being apart of ‘the guys’ with them showing up at your house randomly to pick you up to hangout and go to parties. and puckbunnies both are intimidated by you because youre always around and rude to you because you arent the typical super thin blonde, and get even more jealous of how close you are with auston in particular and then things happen and you n auston finally get together (surprise me with the how?) please and thank you :)

A/N: Hello everyone! Now I know everyone has been patiently waiting for Mason (Part 6), but I have other requests pending, and I find when I write other prompts or stories, it helps me write about other storylines I have going on as well. Creative juices, right? 

This was reqested a while ago and I appologize for the wait! I hope it’s similar to your request, and I do believe this will be another multi-part imagine. Let me know what you think!

Requested: Yes/No

Characters: Auston Matthews (Feat. Connor Brown, Morgan Rielly, William Nylander, and Zach Hyman)

Words: 4,691

Warnings: Language and Alcohol Consumption

[Part One] [Part Two] [Part Three] [Part Four] [Part Five] [Part Six] [Part Seven]

Different.

Unconventional.

Contrasting.

Distinct.

Peculiar.

Offbeat.

In your particular situation, those were the words that most described you best. Well, those were the nicer ones anyways.

“Whatcha thinking about?”

Your thoughts were interrupted by the sound of your best friend Connor. He, along with his girlfriend Madison, and your other close friend Morgan, were currently hanging out in your condo’s living room.

You gave him a small, reassuring smile, “Just school,”

He nodded, but pursed his lips.

Connor knew you better than anyone.

The two of you had met when you were six years old. By luck of the draw, you had both been placed onto the same house-league minor hockey team in Etobicoke. You had been given a hard time from the get-go that season, as you were playing with both six, seven, and eight-year old’s due to your division being branched out. It also didn’t help that you were the only girl on the team. Other teams you faced usually had two or three girls but not yours. You were the only one who’d been singled out by the league, forcing you to fend for yourself.

Even though Connor was a year older than you, with age being a usual dividing factor in youth dressing rooms, the two of you had become fast friends, and had been glued to the hip for much of your childhood.

As time went on, you switched to girl’s hockey as it had become more prominent a few years later, and Connor had made the jump to rep. Despite this, you both still went to each other’s games like nothing had changed, and made sure to still have your weekly hangouts at the Brown family’s home. Dan and Anne had even given you a key, that’s how close you were to Connor and his family.

When Connor was drafted by Erie when you were fifteen years old, you were ecstatic. Several times during the season you’d take a Friday off from school and drive down to Erie with the Brown’s to go visit and watch the Otters, and whenever he was around up near the Toronto area, you had to go see him play. And now, just a few short years later, he had just finished his rookie season as a Toronto Maple Leaf, and you couldn’t be more proud.

Through Connor, you’d become close to many of the guys on the team because you frequented games and social events, as requested by your best friend. Madison and him had been off and on until just recently, so when she hadn’t been around, you came to Maple Leaf activities instead in her place.

Inevitably, people, well more like fans of the team or puck bunnies as Connor called them, had discovered you. Thankfully, before the storm became to grave, you made all your social media private, but Connor and even some of the others had tagged you in photos multiple times. You were often seen in the background of multiple Leafs PR photographs or from other Leaf girlfriends Instagram’s. People knew who you were, and unfortunately some of them weren’t afraid to voice their own opinions.

“She’s so fat,”

“How do any of the guys even like her?”

“She just using them for attention,”

“I feel bad for Connor,”

Each comment was like a repeated stab in your gut. You were the first to admit that you weren’t the smallest girl around. Standing at five foot ten, and being a size sixteen, you were a bit bigger than the typical female that professional hockey players were often associated with. But you’d always been bigger. You were curvy, and when you were younger you were teased because of your larger hips but as you’d gotten taller you’d slimmed out. But since you weren’t a buck ten, and you weren’t the model type, people, mainly girls, ate you alive.

Sure, you’d talked to Connor a bit about it, but he was your best friend, not your boyfriend. As much as you loved him, you didn’t want to talk about your insecurities with him. You knew he’d just worry so you held it in. But you knew he was aware of the comments, and he often hovered over you when you’d all go out, just to make sure you were okay and to make sure no one was giving you a hard time.

All his teammates were great though. They all immediately warmed up to you during the season, and you were already particularly close with Zach, William and Kasperi because you’d known them from when Connor was on the Marlies. Of all the Leafs though, Morgan and you had become the closest. You guys clicked right away and you almost hanged out just as much with him then you did with Connor. He was your wing-man and you were his wing-woman as he put it. You almost had a sibling type relationship.

You went out almost once a week during the summer months with a group of the guys. Whoever was still around the GTA often came along and your condo was the meeting spot. Bars and clubs were the main places you went to, and occasionally a few of you would head to a baseball game. It was refreshing to be able to have some fun with everyone, especially when they weren’t as stressed as they normally would be during the season. But by going out, you just got more exposure, and that had led to an increase of hateful comments.

You couldn’t help but notice however, that these comments had skyrocketed after Auston Matthews and you were snapped a few times together one night when you had all headed to one of Toronto’s more popular summer clubs.

He had posted a photo of you, Zach, and William, and had dubbed you an honorary ‘liney.’ Even though he meant no harm by it, the photo had stirred up a lot of interest into who you were and Auston actually had to delete some of the comments and block several people due to their harsh words.

Trying to make it better, he then posted just a nice photo of the both of you, but it had honestly just made it worse. Jealous girls from every angle sought to attack you, so Auston was forced to disable the comments. He had apologized thoroughly but you had just shrugged it off. Even though you wouldn’t admit it, your thick skin was slowly beginning to taper off, and Connor had taken notice.

The part that had hurt the worst about the situation with the Arizona Native though, was the fact that you had been harbouring a massive crush on Auston for the better part of the past season. I mean, who wasn’t crushing on Auston Matthews? The only one who really knew one hundred percent about your feelings was Connor, and Morgan suspected at first, but he later gained confirmation. Thankfully he only teased you about it when it was just the two of you. William was well aware and Zach had clued in as well. It scared you sometimes, realizing any one of them could potentially let the cat out of the bag.

But the world had already decided you had no chance with Auston Matthews, before you could even try.

“Auston’s way out of her league,”

“He looks so uncomfortable,”

“Auston’s weekly bout of charity work I suppose,”

“Who does she think she is?”

When you had read those comments underneath the photo Auston had posted of the two of you, your heart ached. Who did you think you were? I mean, you even knew he was way out of your league.

Lately, you couldn’t help but compare yourself to the girls Auston typically took home with him. You’d been there several times to witness Auston pick his nightly hookup, and each time you watched, your heart sunk more and more. Blonde, average height, larger breasts, but most of all; stick thin. Everything you weren’t.

So later that night, you found yourself sipping on your fizzy vodka cranberry, with a pink umbrella because apparently, it wasn’t complete without one according to Mo. You sat rigid in the groups booth while you watched Auston survey the large crowd around you, obviously on the hunt.

“Cheer up pouty,” Morgan suddenly knocked into you, causing you to jerk forward as he took out your elbow that had been holding you up.

Sending him a quick glare in warning, Zach and William chuckled while they sat across from you. The four of you were currently on your own as Connor and Madison had gone up to the bar, and you had no clue where Mitch and his girlfriend Steph had ran off to.

Auston turned towards you from Zach’s left due to the sound of Morgan’s voice, “you good, Y/N?” He asked, looked towards you concerned.

You gulped, but nodded, looking away, “just peachy,”

Morgan howled in laughter, elbowing you in the side, causing you to yelp. Morgan suddenly winced immediately there after as Zach had kicked him in the shins, defending you. You sent him a grateful smile.

Auston had raised his eyebrows in confusion, “uh, okay,”

William chuckled low, and shook his head. Looking ahead of you, William sent you a wink, and you flushed. Your boys knew you way too well.

“Hey,”

Your eyes flickered up as you watched a tan, leggy blonde, wearing a barely-there type outfit approach the booth, well Auston specifically. You rolled your eyes and promptly looked away when you saw Auston look the girl up and down hungrily, his tongue darting out to lick his lips. Sighing, you caught William’s blue eyes dart towards you, a sympathetic look crossing over his features. You heard the unknown blonde giggle and you knew it, right then and there. Auston was taking her home.

Your thoughts were confirmed when Auston promptly stood from his seat and walked away with his new conquest.

“Does he even try?” I heard Morgan ask incredulously, and I bit my lip.

No, but he didn’t have to.

“Y/N!”

Looking over due to the shrill voice, you watched Madison wobble her way back to the booth, and a concerned looking Connor hot on her heels.

“Madison, slow down!” He called after her, the two drinks in his hands splashing around violently.

“Come dance with me!” Madison slurred, placing both her hands down flat onto the table, causing it to wiggle from her weight.

“You’re drunk Maddie,” you sighed, and she grinned, “no shit, so come have some fun!”

“Madison,” Connor warned, as he took a seat next to Morgan.

His brunette girlfriend then pouted, “please Y/N, Connie won’t come dance with me either,”

Morgan snorted, and Zach laughed, “Connie huh?”

“Shut it,” Connor spat, sending his teammate a glare.

“I’ll come dance with you,” William then piped up, and Connor whipped around towards the blonde, “absolutely not,”

“Oh c'mon Connie, your girlfriend just wants to have some fun,” William snickered and you groaned, knowing where this was going. Everyone was usually fine with William’s flirty personality, except for when another guys’ girlfriend was involved. Not wanting the two to get into it, you sighed, “fine, I’ll go,”

Morgan turned to look at you, and three other pairs of eyes zeroed in at the exact same time. They all looked shocked you had actually agreed, since you’d never once actually gone dancing when you’d been out with the boys.

“Great! Let’s go!” Madison chimed, clapping her hands together and Connor sent you an uneasy glance. Motioning for the boys to scoot, you stood from your seat and were essentially dragged out onto the dance floor by the very intoxicated Madison.

You weren’t concerned by her behaviour due to the fact you knew that not only Connor, but the others guys would be keeping a close eye on the both of you. It was almost nice knowing you had a big group of guys awaiting at your beckon call. It almost felt like you had more freedom since you knew if trouble came about, you’d have lots of backup.

As a new up-beat song played over the speakers of the club, Madison held your hands and began to bounce around. Moving with her, you smiled as she grinned at you, “There you go! Have some fun for once!”

As the alcohol you’d consumed finally started taking its affect, you began to feel warmth spread throughout your body. For a moment, you’d forgotten about your insecurities. You weren’t the bigger girl. You weren’t some leech that many people made you out to be. You were just having fun with your friends. No jealous puck bunnies. No asshole guys. And most of all, you’d forgotten about Auston going off with some girl. Well you had, until you spotted him.

There, about thirty feet away, he was swaying back and forth with the blonde who’d approached your table just a short while ago. With their bodies pressed tight up against one another, and Auston’s large hands gripping her hips tight, the girl was looking towards your friend with a lustful gaze. What irked you more, was the fact that Auston wore the same expression.

“Y/N?”

Flicking your eyes towards Madison, you’d then realized you’d stopped moving. You were standing stiff while bodies all around you continued moving in their alcohol driven motions. Taking a deep breath, and shaking your head free of all your thoughts, you slowly began bopping your head again and swaying your hips. It took every bit of strength within you not to stare back towards Auston.

“I need another drink,” you sighed, and Madison’s eyes brightened from your words, clearly agreeing as she nodded her head enthusiastically.

Walking up to the bar, you both took a seat and waited for the bartender to approach you. Once he got there, Madison ordered two tequila shots, while you ordered four. You downed them all one after the other, causing your best friend’s girlfriend to cheer. When the bartender came back for payment, you sneered out towards Auston, who was still getting up close and personal to his flavour of the night, and you just said to put it on his tab.

Now you were feeling fuzzy. You weren’t thinking clearly, and you were bitter. You were a hot, hazy, jealous mess.

As you turned to head back out onto the dance floor, you bumped into a hard chest. “Hey, hey, Y/N are you okay?”

Looking up, you met Connor’s eyes and you snorted, “what do you think?”

“Don’t do this just because of him, he’s not worth it Y/N,” Connor sighed, placing his hand onto your arm and rubbing it soothingly.

“Yeah well, clearly I’m not worth it either,” you bit out, before you pushed past your friend, and beelined to the washroom, trying to escape him and anyone else’s judgmental eyes.

“Y/N!”

You pushed on, ignoring Connor’s voice. As you travelled by your home booth, you could feel the others staring at you. But none of them dared to chase after you. It wasn’t that they didn’t care, they’d just never dealt with you when you were being over emotional. The only two guys besides Connor that would normally attempt to check in on you would be either Morgan, who honestly wasn’t sure what to do in this particular situation, or Auston, but he was a little preoccupied at the moment.

As you pushed the washroom door open, you walked up to the long sink and slammed your hands down onto the counter. Looking up into the mirror, you wanted to cry. Your face was flushed red, and your once decent makeup had begun flaking due to your sweat. Your hair was a mess, and your eyes had heavy looking bags beneath them. As your eyes trailed down towards your hips you bit your lip as you stared towards your body. You looked awful. Your drunken mind was playing tricks on you, and you were beginning to believe the words the jealous girls would always throw at you.

It was no wonder Auston had never looked at you any other way besides being Connor Brown’s best friend. You were nothing like the other girls.

“Oh no! Is Connor Brown’s little whore upset?”

You turned to your right to see a pair of scantily-clad girls, both of them giving you a devilish smirk. “I bet your fat ass is just upset because Connor finally realized how shitty of a friend you are for using him.”

You took a deep breath, your hands turning into fists as you tried to ignore them.

“Did one of the boys finally tell you no?“

You looked away, not wanting to interact with the two and give them the satisfaction of having an outburst, and you were about to walk away when one of them spoke again, “That or you finally realized you don’t have a chance in hell with any of them.”

“I mean look at you! You’re such a pig! Why would any of them want you!”

Stopping dead on your feet, the anger you were feeling suddenly began bubbling within you. You had finally reached your breaking point.

“Go fuck yourself,” you bit back, feeing your throat turn scratchy. Tears formed tiny beads in the corner of your eyes as you stood your ground. You sent them both a heavy glare, and whipped around on your feet, heading back towards the door. You didn’t want to hear it. They didn’t know what they were talking about.

As you exited the bathroom, you spotted Madison across the room. Walking briskly towards her, she gave you a sympathetic look.

“Y/N,”

“I’m leaving,” you stated, moving past her and towards the front doors of the club.

“Y/N!” Connor’s voice shouted.

Turning your head slightly, you watched your ginger haired friend bound his way up to you. Sighing, you stopped, and crossed your arms.

“Are you okay?”

You snorted, “No, I am not okay Connor,”

“Well, don’t leave alone, let me take you home,” he begged, reaching out to take your hand.

You moved back a bit, keeping him from touching you. He flashed you a look of hurt, “Stay with Madison, you’re here with her, remember?”

“No, I’m here with the both of you, and I’m more concerned about you right now Y/N, you’re not thinking straight.” Connor explained, “please, just come sit down for a bit and we’ll all leave,”

You shook your head, “I just need to be alone Connor, and I don’t need everyone pitying me. I’ll be fine,”

“Y/N,” Connor pleaded, “if this is about Auston,”

“It’s not!” you spat, your anger and insecurity bubbling over, “it’s not just about him, it’s about me! I just, I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep pretending that I’m okay Connor.” You cried out, tears now leaking down your cheeks.

“Y/N, I love you, you know that,” Connor sighed, before pulling you into his arms. “I don’t know what I’d do without you,”

You nodded, before wrapping your arms around his torso, and embracing him back. “You’re such a beautiful girl Y/N, and one day, some unworthy idiot is going to realize that too. Those girls, they’re just jealous because they can’t understand why we all love you so much. And I know the boys love you because you’re yourself, your gorgeous, funny, and truthful self. And I love you because you’ve been with me through thick and thin and because you’ve always supported me. Now please, don’t let the people that don’t know you make you destroy yourself.”

You sniffled, and hugged your best friend tighter. Connor always knew how to make you feel better.

“Are you two okay?”

Looking up, you met brown eyes. Connor turned towards his teammate and nodded, “We’re probably going to head out, Y/N’s had a rough night,”

“I can take her home if you want,” Auston said, “it’s no problem,”

The girl on Auston’s arms grimaced before sending you an unimpressed look. You looked down towards your feet, as Connor’s hand remained on your lower back protectively.

“We don’t want to spoil your night Matts,” Connor then replied, but Auston shook his head, “you’re not spoiling anything, I wasn’t getting a good vibe tonight honestly. I was just going to head out by myself anyways,”

You couldn’t help the smirk that appeared on your lips as the leggy blonde from earlier stood back from Auston, her eyes wide in shock, before she rolled her eyes and walked away.

“Uh, alright,” Connor said, “is that okay Y/N?”

You shrugged, “doesn’t matter,”

Connor sighed, before pulling you in for another hug and pressing his lips against your forehead. “Text me when you get home, please,”

“I will,” you promised, before pulling away and walking towards the doors, with Auston following you right behind.

As you pushed the doors open and began waking to your left, you immediately placed your hands in front of your face as several bright flashes blinded you.

Auston muttered something incoherently before you felt him place his hand down onto your back. As he led you away from the group of photographers, who were obviously waiting for someone high-profile to leave the venue, Auston was bombarded by several questions, including his upcoming season, his training regime, and surprisingly, you.

“New girlfriend Auston?” A male’s voice questioned, just as you were about to reach an awaiting taxi.

Deciding not to answer, Auston instead opened the car’s rear door and ushered you inside, his larger body following you behind. As the taxi took off, Auston gave the driver his address, rather than yours, causing you to give him a questioning look.

He sent you a reassuring smile, “it’s fine, some of those guys might follow after us, and I don’t want them knowing where you live,”

You nodded, and turned back to look out the window. You were honestly surprised Auston had even thought of that, and it made you feel warm inside due to him seeming to care about you and your privacy.

As you watched the lit up, downtown core pass you by, you couldn’t help the nervous feeling in your gut as you felt Auston’s hand rest on your thigh. You weren’t sure if he had even noticed he had placed it there when you had gotten into the taxi, but it almost felt like his touch was burning you.

“I just texted Connor, to let him know you’re just coming back with me,” Auston then voiced, and you nodded, “thanks Auston,”

As you reached Auston’s condo complex, you stepped out of the taxi and waited for Auston to pay the driver. He flashed you a small smile when he joined you and led you into his building. Pressing the elevator button, you rode in silence until you reached Auston’s floor.

“I’m just gonna use the washroom and get changed,” the younger boy told you, when you finally walked into his bachelor pad.

You nodded in understanding, and made your way into his living room. Taking a seat onto his long, plush, sofa, you stared out his condo’s window, and stared down at the city below. Even though it was well into the early hours of the morning, the city was still as bright as ever. You had always enjoyed Auston’s condo’s view. He easily had the best view of the city out of any of the other guys’ condo’s.

Your head had begun throbbing due to the alcohol you’d consumed slowly dying down. Sighing, you stood and walked into his kitchen, and began looking for his aspirin. You knew he kept his medication in the cupboard above his fridge, and you honestly didn’t think he’d mind. Grabbing a cold-water bottle from Auston’s fridge, you took a sip before you looked up towards the cupboard. Even though you were quite tall for a girl, you still couldn’t quite reach the handle’s on the twin doors.

Pursing your lips, you placed your hands onto your hips and looked around the room for anything to help you extend your reach. You considered using the broom that was in the crook between the fridge and the kitchen’s wall, but then you spotted one of the bar stools that sat against Auston’s kitchen’s island.

Even though they weren’t the most stable seats, they were tall enough for you to reach the cupboard, so you carried the stool into the kitchen and placed it up against the fridge. At first, you just hopped up onto your knee’s but your height hadn’t increased enough. Sighing, you gripped the top of Auston’s fridge, and shakily stood up onto one leg. Taking a breath, you then shifted your weight and brought your other leg up, leaving you fully standing on the rickety bar stool.

Reaching over, you grinned once you could finally open the cupboard. Spotting Auston’s aspirin, you grabbed the box of tablets and closed the doors promptly. Turning, you crouched down and placed the medicine onto Auston’s counter top. Moving one leg down to rest onto the steel step underneath the stools seat, you gasped when the seat teetered. Your shift in weight had caused the unstable chair to wobble violently. As it came out from underneath you, you suddenly felt another body grab onto you, and pull you into their chest while the seat clattered down onto the tiled floor.

“Are you okay?” Auston asked concerned, his eyes wide.

You flushed once you realized how close the two of you were. With your chests pressed together and Auston’s muscular arms wrapped around you securely, your heart thumped fiercely.

“Uh yeah,” you then got out, and Auston sighed in relief.

“You could’ve gotten hurt Y/N,” Auston then spoke, “why didn’t you come get me?”

You shrugged, pulling away, “I didn’t want to bother you,”

Auston rolled his eyes, “you never bother me Y/N,”

“Sorry about the stool,” you then said, looking down towards the piece of furniture. Auston sighed, “I don’t care about that, I care about you. If I hadn’t come out just now, you could’ve really hurt yourself.”

“Well I’m fine,” you declared, reaching out to grab the aspirin and walking over to lift the bar stool up right. Taking your water, you then made your way back into the living room.

“So what happened tonight?” Auston asked, when he finally joined you on the opposite side of the couch.

“I could ask you the same thing,” you returned, before taking another sip of the cool water.

Auston smirked at your words, and you looked towards him. “I just had a bad night, nothing really went my way,”

Auston nodded, “I can relate to that,”

You cocked your head, “blondie was no good?”

He laughed, “something like that,”

“Well, for the record, I didn’t like her from the second I saw her,” you explained, and Auston chuckled, “you never like them though Y/N,”

“Because they’re never good enough, you deserve way more than some slutty floozy from a bar or club Auston,” you explained.

“Really? Is that so?” Auston questioned, sending you a small smirk.

You rolled your eyes, “yes, any of you boys deserve more, and until you realize it, you’re not going to find what you’re looking for,”

Auston shifted in his seat, turning more towards you, “and what exactly am I looking for Y/N?”

You sighed, and pulled your left leg up into your chest to rest on, “I can’t answer that for you Auston, especially when you don’t even understand the question,”

Auston narrowed his eyes slightly, taking your words in. When realization finally dawned on him, his lips then curved upwards, “you’re good, you know that?”

You smiled towards him, and brought your water bottle back to your lips. Too bad you felt like you weren’t good enough for him.

“What are you looking for then Y/N?”

Blinking in surprise, you placed the bottle back down onto the coffee table beside you and thought before speaking, “I’m not really looking anymore Auston, I think, I think I’m just waiting,”

Auston nodded, “well, I hope you won’t wait for too long,”

You nodded, and looked away,

“me either,”

[cynthiamwashington]

Can I Eat Fruit On a Keto Diet?

Question: “Can I eat fruit on a ketogenic diet?”

Answer: “Sure, if you want!”

I’m kidding, of course. I know why people ask this question. It’s because in the keto world fruit is a confusing, often contentious topic. You’ll sometimes see keto folks draw a hard line in the sand, saying that all fruits, or sometimes specific fruits, are “not allowed” on a ketogenic diet. I’ve written before about why I feel it’s inappropriate to label foods as “keto” or “not keto.” People need to consider their own goals, health, activity level, and food preferences when formulating their eating strategies.

Nevertheless, it’s true that it can be hard to figure out how to incorporate fruit into your keto diet. On the one hand, it’s “real” food: unprocessed, “whole,” and full of vitamins, minerals, fiber, and phytonutrients. It’s also Primal/paleo approved in moderation. On the other hand, the carbs in a typical serving of fruit can amount to a considerable chunk out of one’s daily carb allotment, especially for people who adhere to a very strict version of keto that only allows 20 to 30 grams of carbohydrate per day (as opposed to the Keto Reset Diet’s 50 gram per day suggestion).

So where does fruit fit for the average person following a Keto Reset Diet?

Keto People CAN Eat Carbs

Sometimes you’ll hear someone say that keto-ers can’t eat fruit because they “don’t eat carbs.” They really mean that keto folks don’t eat sugar, which is still a gross oversimplification because keto people absolutely do eat carbs. If you’re eating according to the Keto Reset Diet, you’ll start by aiming for 50 grams of carbohydrates per day—perhaps somewhat less if you are dealing with type 2 diabetes or metabolic syndrome—with some wiggle room if most of your carbs come from above-ground veggies and avocados.

From the point of view of the Keto Reset, we want you to choose your carb sources from among those included on the Primal Blueprint Food Pyramid. That means no grains or added sugars, but eating nutrient-dense vegetables and, yes, even some fruit if you wish.

What Fruits Are Best For Keto?

When picking the “best” fruits for keto, it comes down to how many carbs are in a serving. Higher carb fruits are going to be harder to incorporate into a keto diet while still allowing room for the liberal intake of vegetables and avocados encouraged in the Keto Reset.

The information below is taken from the Cronometer database. Make sure you pay attention to the serving size. I selected what seemed like reasonable servings of each by volume instead of weight (who knows what 100g of grapes looks like compared to 100g of watermelon?). I also provided the weight for reference, as well as the fiber content. The Keto Reset Diet does not recommend counting net carbs for fruit though.

Before getting to the data, note that this list omits foods like tomatoes and olives because that’s not what people mean when they ask about fruit.

Let’s also get two items out of the way that always appear on “keto approved fruits” lists:

Avocados: Is there any question about them being keto-friendly? So you know, one whole avocado (136 grams) has 12 grams of carbs (9 grams fiber), as well as 21 grams of fat.

Lemons: Most people aren’t eating lemons but juicing them, right? The juice from one whole lemon has 3 to 4 grams of carb (about 1 gram per tablespoon).

Now for the rest…

Berries:

Blackberries (½ cup, 72 grams): 7 grams carb (4 grams fiber)

Raspberries (½ cup, 62 grams): 7 grams carb (4 grams fiber)

Blueberries (½ cup, 74 grams): 11 grams carb (2 grams fiber)

Strawberries (½ cup halves, 76 grams): 12 grams carb (3 grams fiber)

Stone Fruits:

Apricot (each, 35 grams): 4 grams carb (1 gram fiber)

Plum (1 medium, 66 grams): 8 grams carb (1 gram fiber)

Peach (1 medium, 150 grams): 14 grams carb (2 grams fiber)

Nectarine (1 medium, 142 grams): 15 grams carb (2 grams fiber)

Melons:

Watermelon (1 cup cubed, 152 grams): 12 grams carb (1 gram fiber)

Cantaloupe (1 cup cubed, 160 grams): 13 grams carb (1 gram fiber)

Honeydew (1 cup cubed, 191 grams): 17 grams carb (2 grams fiber)

Tropical Fruits:

Papaya (1 cup cubed, 144 grams): 16 grams carb (3 grams fiber)

Pineapple (1 cup cubed, 165 grams): 22 grams carb (2 grams fiber)

Banana (1 small, 101 grams): 23 grams carb (3 grams fiber)

Coconut meat (½ cup, 163 grams): 25 grams carb (15 grams fiber)

Mango (1 cup sliced, 165 grams): 25 grams carb (3 grams fiber)

Other Fruits:

Clementine (each, 74 grams): 9 grams carb (1 gram fiber)

Fig (1 medium, 50 grams): 10 grams carb (2 grams fiber)

Kiwi (1 each, 69 grams): 10 grams carb (2 grams fiber)

Orange (1 small, 96 grams): 11 grams carb (2 grams fiber)

Apple, green (1 small, 144 grams): 20 grams carb (4 grams fiber)

Grapefruit (1 small, 200 grams): 21 grams carb (3 grams fiber)

Pear (1 small, 148 grams): 23 grams carb (5 grams fiber)

Apple, red (1 small, 158 grams): 24 grams carb (3 grams fiber)

Cherries (1 cup, 154 grams): 25 grams carb (3 grams fiber)

Grapes (1 cup, 151 grams): 27 grams carb (1 gram fiber)

You can see why it is difficult to work fruit into a ketogenic diet, and also why blackberries and raspberries are the most often recommended fruit for keto-ers. Nevertheless, it’s possible.

Just for comparison, the 7 grams of carbs you “spend” on ½ cup of blackberries could also be allocated to any of the following:

1 cup of cooked whole Brussels sprouts

1 cup cooked chopped broccoli

2 cups of raw chopped broccoli

1¾ cups raw shredded cabbage

8 medium baby carrots

4 cups of baby spinach

5 cups of raw kale

1 whole small cucumber

1 medium red bell pepper

Tips For Incorporating Fruit Into Your Keto Diet

Select lower-carb fruits and limit portion sizes.

Eat whole fruit, not fruit juices. Whole fruits induce a smaller glycemic and insulin response. Smoothies can quickly become carb bombs, and they are generally less satiating than their ingredients eaten separately because you don’t have to chew them. Include smoothies mindfully.

Consider timing them strategically around the times when you are most insulin sensitive: in the morning and especially after exercise. (This is solid advice for any higher carb food or meal.) Likewise, you might save fruit intake for designated higher carb meals (“carb ups”) if this is part of your routine. However, if you struggle with insulin resistance, any kind of carb ups might not be appropriate for you at this time.

Eat seasonally and locally. This recommendation isn’t unique to keto dieters, but eating seasonally and locally will automatically limit your consumption of fruits for much of the year unless you live someplace warm (in which case, hopefully you’re getting lots of outdoor time and sun exposure year round, too!)

But I Heard I Need to Avoid Fructose For Health?

Fructose is often demonized because it’s thought (incorrectly) that fructose uniquely contributes to de novo lipogenesis. As Mark has written previously, although fructose and glucose are metabolized differently in the body, it is probably splitting hairs to argue that one is more or less healthy than the other when they are considered in the context of one’s entire diet. And while reducing sugar intake has been shown to improve various health markers, this usually means cutting back on high fructose corn syrup and other added sugars, not eliminating a green apple and a serving of berries. If you’re eating a Primal-aligned ketogenic diet and are already limiting your total sugar intake, it’s probably not necessary to specifically avoid fructose that comes in the form of whole fruit.

That said, some of the GI disorders that are so common nowadays might be attributable at least in part to issues of fructose malabsorption. If you have been diagnosed with IBS or otherwise experience chronic GI symptoms, you might consider asking your doctor for a hydrogen breath test to detect fructose malabsorption. You can also try eliminating and then reintroducing fruit to see if it affects your symptoms.

Remember, Constant Ketosis Is Not Required

If you’re avoiding fruit because you’re afraid to get knocked out of ketosis, remember that once you’re keto-adapted it’s unnecessary to stay in ketosis 100% of the time unless you’re using a therapeutic keto diet to treat a serious medical condition. Also, if there’s a fruit you especially want to include in your keto diet, you can also test your individual physiological response to it using a blood ketone meter.

A final word: When considering whether to add more fruit to your keto diet, ask yourself whether you’re still at a point where you would be better off abstaining in order to avoid triggering cravings for sweet foods. This is an n=1 situation. If you feel like some fruit would add to your general enjoyment of your keto way of eating, or you’re looking for ways to incorporate more Primal-approved carbs, go for it. If you’re still struggling to break the sugar habit, perhaps hold off for now, knowing you can always choose to add fruit later.

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References:

https://nutritionandmetabolism.biomedcentral.com/track/pdf/10.1186/1743-7075-10-45

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10683091

http://diabetes.diabetesjournals.org/content/41/6/750.short

The post Can I Eat Fruit On a Keto Diet? appeared first on Mark's Daily Apple.

Article source here:Marks’s Daily Apple

[lostscatteredwings]

when I make a draw my life...

this is my story. It’s long, eventful and unfortunate.

( I will be writting more when I can, everytime you see “...” means I am still writting)

First, I would love to start this on the day I was born but for you to understand the whole context and the circumstances I was born into, I have to start a bit before. 

Before the start

My father grew up working on the fields and on construction, until he was 18 years old and he joined the army and with it , the navy. He moved because of his work from the northern country side to a city in the south not far from the capital, where there was military bases etc...

He rented a room in this city, and that was when he met my mother, they got married.

And my mother got pregnant with twins.

And the unfortune starts here.

Death and illness

One of the twins died still inside the belly, so he was born “dead“ and the other twin, who didnt die, was born very very ill. 

This was my older brother, he had kidney problems, he did hemodialisis for something like 19 years. He also couldn't listen, he was deaf, but since he never listened to anything since baby, he also could not speak.

We used sign language. We had books for it. We all learned how to communicate with him. My father thought, never accepted him as his son, he considered his son a failure and used beat him up, in the streets, in front of everyone. Imagine a muscled man (remenber he was in the navy) beating up a deaf little kind in front of everyone. My grandparents took my brother away from my parents because of this. And my brother never ever went to his father’s house again.

Ironically, my brother died a few years after his kidney transplant.So he died before my grandparents died. He lived on their care his whole life. My father never cared to see him meanwhile. And he attended the funeral just to keep appearances I am sure. After all you need to attend the funeral of your own son.

My brother died when I was 13 years old. at 13 years old. I had 2 dead brothers.

Meanwhile,

My parents had a kid again and my other brother was born. Apparently with also some kidney problem but much less tragic. He doesnt need hemodialisis. He just cant play dangerous agreesive sports that may envolve a punch or kick in the kidney area. But he should be fine for life if that never happens. He is still alive to this day and he is ok.My father acceped this son, but with obvious disappointment that he could not become athletic.

I was born eventually too. My father was a sailing so he wasn’t there most of the time, we all lived wit my grandparents then. My mother , brother, and them ., and my grandpa several little birdies and a cute white cat.

Meanwhile, my granparents died. I was 15 years old. We had to giveaway the cat to one of those organizations. And the birds as well. And we had to live with my father now. My brother and my mother. And now he was indeed home way more because you only sail in first years of your career.

Now with my grandparents and my brother gone. A lot was broken.

Hell Begins

My mother took more pills that I could count. She was depressed and crazy. She tooks pills for depression, anxiety, to sleep, to stay awake, for memory. All of the pills possible. She also had diabetes. And she was always acting crazy. But well, a lot indeed happened. My father was always angry and he did not want to give any money for my mother to buy food. It was a constant fight. when my grandparents were alive we had food covered. When they died, the only working person in the family was my father, and he could decide if we were going to eat that day or not. Most of the days were ok, but some days, if my father was angry, he would not my mother money for food. So we also wouldn’t even have a coin to go to school with. We asked around for money... neighboors. When we were kids it’s always easier. Adults tend to help children asking for food or money. But when you start growing up people just look at you with suspicion if you ask for money. They think it’s for drugs and stuff alike.

Life was not so bad when my grandparents were alive.

There was illness and death. With my brother but still, we were getting by. And I remenber being somewhat happy you know? I remenber happy moments with them. Our cat. Christmas, birthdays. My grandparents made all those moments truly happy moments. I remenber cooking cakes with my grandparents. Going to the beach. Watching tv with them. They would let me watch kid stuff on tv, you know, when I was a kid.

It all changed when they died. It felt like...my only family had died.

My father was like a stranger, and so was my mother. And my brother , was older, but seemed always afraid of my father and well, righfully so, I would say, angry at my mom, because she acted so crazy all the time.

My father didnt celebrate birthdays, or cooked, or celebrated Christmas. He didnt let me watch any tv, There was only 1 tv in the house. And it was his. 100% . I had nothing to do inside the house.

I hated being inside.

There was eventually only one computer too. For 3 persons. My brother , my father and me. I , the youngest, could only use the computer, or the tv. If no one else wanted to use those.

Imagine most of the times, like weekends for example and week days at night, we were all home. Imagine, one on tv , on on pc, and one with nothing. Most of the time , the one with  nothing was me. This was my life growing up. After my grandparents died and before college. This was it.

I had nothing to do. And my family enviroment was horrible.

Felt like a prison. The air was like hard to breathe. There is no way you can understand this unless you’ve been through something like this. My father was angry and violent. Would easy hit anyone in the house, for whatever reason. Everyone was afraid of him. He would threat us. Threat us that he could just leave us to starve when he was angry. He knew we had no one else. My mother was crazy. Insane. She was either screaming or crying, or almost burning the house down. I am not exagerating. Believe it or not. Something I never forgot my father said was:

“I could live in a hotel if it wasn’t for you.“

Imagine being the kind of man, who goes, makes a family, has kids.

And then whishes that family he created would just not exist anymore.

The kids that didn’t ask to exist and were put in the world agaisn’t their will, as a consequence of this man’s actions. No one forced him to have a family. He went , created one, and then was disappointed, cause I guess family wasnºt like he hoped for. One kid died, one kid was not healthy and died too. Third kid also could not follow his foosteps and join the navy. The other kid was a girl, asthmatic, and still also had a health issue, had cirgury twice. And become fat as a kid for a while. As a consequence of the illness I had. I had something in the zone where the Bile liquid was produced, I couldn’t stand up even, I was interned in the hospital and operated on twice to remove something that I inside my stomach that was not supposed to there was blocking the bile liquid to flow in the stomach.

Then my brother went to college. He got his own laptop. So I could use the pc more. My brother is 4 years older than me. He failed one year in school. So around being 16 y old. I only had to share the pc with my father. So that was a good thing. But. I still hated to be home. I hated to be in the living room where my father always was. And mostly everyone was there too. And I was criticized all the time. For playing games on the computer of for watching anime/movies/tv shows. Anyting I did was bad if it was not studying or reading. And I did read and study too btw. When I was home. But I hated to be home. So most of the times I wasn’t. If it was daytime, I would probably just not be there.

I was ok and happy when my granparents were alive. But when they died. My life became a living hell. I could not sleep. I could not feel. I could not smile or laught. I was the numbest I ever had been. My friends, sort of left me alone, they didn’t know how to handle the new me. The grieving me. But I didn’t want to be home, I didn’t want to be alone either. So I found myself some new friends.

New Friends and Self-Destruction

At 15 yeals old , when my life changed drastically, my grandparents dying and now I was living in a house I didn’t used to be before and with people I didn’t used to live with before, my father. And that heavy enviroment, that aura, after someone dying, the silence, with my father’s selfishness/angryness and my mother’s insanity. I felt pretty alone and depressed and my old friends didn’t know how to handle the situation, and were obviously not enjoying being with me at this time. Because they were all having fun and laughing and I was clearly not in the mood so I wouldn’t participate much. They started to exclude me a bit. And I started to move on from them a little bit, as well.

I found new friends, or rather started hanging more with friends who were a bit different. I was from a poor neighborhood place. And a lot of people who live here aren’t sane and bad things happen here.

I hanged around with whoever was there tbh.

At 16 y old I was in highschool, I really didn’t like it, me and my best friend got separated into different classes, eventually she got some friends there, and I started hanging around with people from her class. I didnt like most people on my class, I had 1 friend or 2, but that was it. I talked with other people just not to be in silent and to not be labeled as awkward or shy, but it was just small talk. my class was mostly girls and only had like 6 guys. 3 of them always hanged around with the “mean girls“ let’s say, There was no physical bullying ever, but a lot of talking shit, and it was whispers and ofc when you arent there but you just know. Sometimes they tried to say something directly to me, but they would always regret it I think since I always answered back and asked if they wanted to fight, since some girls would try to threat to “slap me“ or something, and I always went with “bring it“ and then ofc they would give up.  Cause it was all just big talk .

I met some people through my “bad friends“ which I hanged with when 15, I met a guy who asked me out so we started dating.

Let’s call him Nate.

Nate, the first boyfriend chapter

Well , I met Nate, first just online, but he was an irl friend of my friend(lets call her patty), and also a cousin of another (lets call her angela). I was hagging out with Patty a lot these days and we met a bunch of new people, at this time. We hanged a lot outside, at this time, which made us a meet more and more people.  First he just messaged me online, I remember this was when the social media Hi5 existed. And I added him as a friend. At first he just left some comments on my pictures saying I was cute. And then we started talking a little bit on hi5 dms.

Eventually we traded phone numbers. My friend Patty wanted to meet Nate’s best friend. She thought he was cute. So she wanted to do a double date sort of thing. Me and Nate, and her and Nate’s best friend. The double date would be only meeting for some minutes at a train station and having a snack there. Nothing special. And in a very public space(the train station usually even has police at the doors). I hated to be home, and thought it sounded ok , so I said yes and went with her.

We got there and we saw the 2 guys for the first time irl. Before we had just seen both of them in pictures. Both tall and skinny. Let’s call Nate’s friend, Charles.

Charles had curcly black hair and brown dark eyes. Nate had blonde dark blonde hair and also somewhat wavy hair. They had a TON of snacks. I was really surprised. As you know, I was very poor, because my parents gave me no money to buy things like snacks, if I could buy a snack, would be really just one. But they had a ton of them, juices, cookies, chocolates, gummies. Literally all the snacks that school students usually enjoy. I was very surprised they had so much. We were sitting on a bench witht he their bags open and filled with snacks. So we were taking the food from the bags and eating. As Patty started to talk more with Charles. I was talking with Nate and eating because there was nothig else to do. We didnt talk about anything important and I dont remenber flirting or anything. We just really talked about snacks we liked for the most part. And when it got close to nightime, me and patty went home. Nothing really happened apart from talking here. Patty later decided she didnt like Charles. Nate and I kept messaging each other thought.

Eventually he asked me out and I said yes, again , I wanted excuses to not be home. And Nate was always saying nice things to me, Which I was not used to at all, my family would put me down daily. And even my closest friends would say mean things about me sometimes...which made me feel even worse. Having a person saying nice things to me for the first time, felt like the best thing in the world. When I look back at it now, it really wasn’t anything special, just lip service, but since I was so used to be treated so badly. The way Nate treated seemed ultra nice to me, in comparison. Even thought he was doing nothing special.

We went on a date. Which was just going to the park a little bit, in the afternoon. Nate did some dancing videos for dancing contests and stuff, so he asked me to record him , with his camera, which I did. We had like a kiss and started dating that day. Everything was ok so far.

After a while we had our first fight. Eventually we said “I love you“ irl. Me being me, I thought that is not something you say all the time because it would loose it’s meaning. So he texted me one morning, like saying that at 8 am... I was sleepy, late for school, I found it annoying tbh. It was so random, out of the blue. We both had just woken up and rush to school (to different schools). I wasnt sure why he would have send this first thing in the morning, I didnt say it back and I didnt think anything of it. But later I found out he was quite upset. Looking back now, I should have asked him to respect my pace. But in that time, I was just manipulated into saying I was sorry. Which didnt make sense but I guess I felt like I didnt wanna loose him and that I was the one who had done something wrong. Things like this kind of always got repeated. I feel like I was manipulated this way later in the relantionship.  Like eventually about my clothing and being with my friends. Nate was very controlling and suspicious of me. This because I think his reasoning was if I lied to my parents to spend some time with him (my parents would never accept me having a bf, trust me, they followed me a couple times, and I had to pretend I was going to see one of my girl friends etc...)  so he thought I would lie to him or something... which didnt make any sense... He was jealous of girls, and literally everyone. Also wanted me to not use any revealing clothes etc. He was becoming as controlling as my father and I started to get really angry and upset about the whole situation. Eventually I am sure I stopped loving him. This around 3 years later. And started hating on him a little bit. He didnt care or respect that I wanted to do well in school. Would try to not even let me study. All my time was to dedicate to him, or else he would be mad. At the time I was smoking and he would also take my cigarretes away from me. Eventually he slammed a door on my hand, when I tried to runaway from his house once. I thought my fingers would have broken. But gladly they didn’t. I started to cut myself as well. From how miserable I was.Being controlled and manipulated all the time. Even if I told him we had broken up. He would appear at school or my street and force me to talk with him. He caused me a ton of problems with my family. Wanting to be on the phone when I was home and until late hours in the night (which was really bad, I needed to sleep , I was trying to study and do well at school and everything in my life that he was doing would literally have negative impact). He has absolutely no respect for me whatsoever and didnt care about the problems he caused me . I would get home late because of him not letting me go and catch the bus on time. Not letting my sleep and not letting me study...

I broke up with him, but he just wouldnt listen to even that. He kept appearing everywhere and using my friends to find out my location.

I could finally escape from him when I got into college. And only because college was in a different city. I would get on a bus at 7 am and get to college at like 10 am. And stay there until 6: 30 pm and then get on a bus and get home around 8:30pm. This was my life. He couldnt stalk me as easily anymore. I was the whole day in a different city around 50km away. (Nate was quite spoiled and he had a car but he was literally a ppussy in person, he was afraid to drive, so he would never do 50km, not even to stalk me). He stalked me once or twice but gave up fast. I told him many times to stop texting or calling and to move on because we had broken up for good. I had to lie and said I liked someone else now. It was not even true. But when I said he, he finally stopped his stalking me. 1 month later, he was living with this other girl (LOL) which he was probably sweet talking online for a long time (so in a way cheating, he would be super controlling over me , because honestly, he was always cheating behind my back and was afraid I did the same to him), he probably was planning to go for her, as a second option, if I broken up with him. So yeah 1 month after he was living with another girl (talk about moving on fast, when he was always asking for us to get back together, it was always him asking and all, how can a person be so fake). Before this, for that 1 month, he told all his friends really bad things about me, I received emails and hateful messages of how I had been so cruel to break up with him . He also drank enough to go to the hospital and blamed it on me. I got messages from his friends saying he did that because of me bla bla. He also said he would suicide if I didnt get back with him (talk about manipulation) and guess what, we didn’t get back and he didn’t suicide, he found another gf in less than 1 month to live with. Anyways, he was probably already with her and planning to move for a long time , when he was still trying to convince to give up on breaking up and stalking me. I guess this was his plan B. He also sent me a tubmlr blog full of posts of how much he was suffering, as an atempt for me to forgive him, LOL. It was all fake posts tho, since he had a girl to even move in with, in denmark, just waiting for him to go there.

I ignored his friends hateful messages, blocked and deleted his number and all social medias. Made sure he couldn’t contact me anymore. This is why we couldn’t stay friends. He never accepted the break up. He was cheating the whole time. He had a plan B girl to run to if we really didnt get back together. I just couldnt even pretend to be friends with him anymore, when he never accepted that kind of relantionship for us. Even years later, he tried to have our online friends (from a game) from a game to talk to me and get me back to talk to him again, which I rejected. And that was it. End of this chapter. I tried to focus 100% on finishing college and ignoring the rest.

College. A fresh start.

College was pretty hard to balance. Between waking up super early and getting home late, and stil finding time to study without feeling too tired. College was nearly 2 hours away (ofc faster to get there early before rush hour etc). I spent around everyday 4 hours , 2 hours to go, 2 hours to return, in a long bus ride.

The bus ride was around a mountain so I felt sick often, because of the constant turns. I even ended up vomiting in the bus, in a plastic bag. I felt like I was going to die many times. In the days I felt fine and tried to study on the bus, reading when the bus keeps being shaky, always gave me a headache... but I had to study at sometime, and at home my time would be very limited, and it’s pretty hard to force yourself to study every night until 3 am and then wake up 6 am. or 5:30 am, which I had to do when I had classes at 8:30. If I had classes at 10 am. I still needed to wake up 6 am to catch the 7 am bus (I also had to walk until the bus station, it was not in my door step, not just eat and dress...)

When I started college I had no laptop to study programming, so I failed but I passed at mathematics and other classes. When I got the laptop , I repeated the programming class of the first semesters (6 months classes) and passed as well. I was very tired all the time in college. Not as much depressed, but more like just tired, every week I craved the weekend to finally get some sleep, but I also had to study and get some work(like projects and deliveries) done on weekends.

We had constant delivers, of code and non code projects. I had to every month several things to deliver and those werent easy. It got more and more intense , in the second year and in the third year where we had deliveries every week. And more mandatory classes. Not all classes had a mandatory presence. But the more important ones sure had , like mathematics and programming related classes. I was doing my best to pass and very focused on it. I ended up falling asleep in the bus all the time, sometimes missing my stop.And getting home at like 9 pm or later. I fell asleep in the last class of the day sometimes as well. I tried to study in the bus, and at school, in the times before classes or inbetween classes. (somethere there was like 1 hour hole in the schedule, so after a class, you would only have a class again 1 hour). My college was in a isolated place. There was nothing outside. There is no where you could go by just walking and transportation is always bad and slow. So I could not go anywhere in those hours to kill . I would try to study but couldnt always do it. I would hang around with my classmates who also couldnt go home or anywere by car. We all tried to do our projects while waiting, or just play games, or just watch something.Thought the internet at school was quite slow, sometimes it was hard to do anything. Here is the general description of college.

The good and the bad of college

Good

The good about college was how not all classes are mandatory and how you meet new people. Some people will  probably share your interests which is good. It’s always nice to make new friends. I found some friends into the same games as I was and some friends who liked anime and manga, not many like 3 or 4. But better than zero. I was quite happy with this. And the newfound calm now that I had no bf drama going on.  Still in the good, college does give you some purpose feeling. I was always told IT has like 100% employment so I wanted to be able to do it. My goal in life was always to become independent and to survive on my own without needing to ever ask help to anyone. I wasn’t particular ever like in love with programming (I didnt have a computer I could all the time, when growing up, no one in my family liked programming or knew it and I had to split my pc time with my brother and father so... Hardly there was ever any chance to get into programming and also it was something that you wouldnt learn in school (at least when I was in school, now it may be different). It was a completely new thing for me. I had a hard time learning it, but I know it was a valuable skill so I wanted to understand it so I could work on it later, so I had this as motivation.

Bad

I will try to break these down, but also say, none of this stopped me from finishing my degree. So if you read this and relate, please don’t give up based on what is written here.

1. Not much girls in a engineering school,

like this is not a big problem but sometimes it jusf left me feeling a bit lonely or missunderstood and had no one to talk about girl stuff. Sometimes it got me feeling a bit sad. Also guys spend a long time, in your presence, doing sexist jokes (because no etiquette i guess and poor education and respect for others) even with me on there, etc.

2. Professors and classmates can be sexist

If you are a girl in IT, people always assume you dont work hard and you dont know much... And your plan is to ride off the back of some guy who makes all the work for you. Other assumption is that teachers will give you a “handicap“. Now about your image, you can show yourself with good grades, participating in class, showing dedication and even sharing your notes with your classmates, the closest ones to you , will easily believe you do work hard and have knowledge and those wont be sexist anymore towards you in this knowledge and genuine interest regard. NOW, the ones who arent close to you, may have those assumptions forever on their head. There is really no point in thinking about this too much. It’s hard to change society so just do your part.

Professors may ask you more questions because you are the female of the group. Again based on the assumption that you did nothing are just being carried by your male classmate. It’s unfair , it is. But the only thing you can do is answer those correctly and proove your teacher wrong. Your coleagues will probably notice this unfairness and feel bad about it, noticing how the teacher was giving them a free pass on questions because they arent suspicious of them as they are of you, if you are a girl.

3. College parties.

My only problem with this, is that, well, for me personally, I lived far away and couldnt really go, because I would have no money and no car to return home and transportations finishes early. Now my parents were also very agaisnt me going out until late and would get very upset, specially if I waited for 6 am to get a bus to go home, if I did something like this, my parents would just not let me to go college anymore... So I had no choice but rejecting most parties and outings at night etc. I went to like 2 parties and never left very late.  And always had a ride home when I did these. (Because at one point I got a bf and he would drive me home and only them drive himself home)

4. Bullying?

Now by bullying I mean that even in college there was some unpleasant and toxic people (as there is in most places). Who seemed often spoiled or disrepectful or out of touch and also , most of them fit in the category of “people who didn’t even finish the degree or tried for long“ most of them gave up or changed course.

5. Overall Conditions of the college grounds

Cold or hot rooms(no ac), burnt and oily meals and not cheap either. slow broken down old desktops for the students to use. Basically anyone with a good laptop could end up doing the class work much faster. There was not enough conditions to those who depended on the facility. 

  Finding a job as a college student.

1. Finding a job was actually very easy as a college student on gratuation time. Basically you can find a job easily as the companies are ready to explore recent college grads. I got a job on my second interview. Yet, I got no contract for more than 1month and then I got an internship contract. That is for 9 months. After that I got a temporary contract. After so much shadyness and unfair treatment in this company  I left as soon as possible... changed to other company where I worked for nearly 2 years and then finally left that company as well. 

To explain better, in the company number one...