#your mom made a salad with craisins

[charlieandluigi]

So my mom is planning on going to a protest at our state’s capital on Presidents’ Day and over the past couple days she’s been trying to decide on a clever/fun slogan to put on her sign.

My dad suggested notable phrases such as: Are we “great,” yet? and, When do we start being “great,” again? But when I was making dinner I walked past the notepad she’s been writing her ideas on and there was a new one:

Ignoring it is what the Germans did.

And I, to only myself, audibly OOF’d cause hot damn that’s savage asf.

But then I also thought, wait a moment, this is a hard-hitting phrase, right? It packs a punch. What a whammy. I bet this could be used for other things too.

HEAR ME OUT.

Self-Care Hack.

Mental health plummeting but can’t bring yourself to reach out to anyone?

Ignoring it is what the Germans did.

Haven’t showered, feeling dirty and stinky but can’t get yourself to shower?

Ignoring it is what the Germans did.

You’re kinda hungry, but not like SUPER hungry and you’re pretty comfortable where you’re sitting so you can stand to ignore it a bit longer.

IGNORING IT IS WHAT THE GERMANS DID

And then BOOM, self-care happens.

[puzzled-pegasus]

Finches as John Mulaney quotes

Here I am again, finally gracing this fandom with my cursed sense of humor once more >:)

Here's some John Mulaney quotes which I thought fit each of the Finches! Let me know if you have any!

Edith:

"And then my mom said, 'I made a salad with Craisins! And the conversation ended."

"I am very small. And I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under."

Milton

"I always expected to be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out the tail light by now!"

"Oh and what a mighty king I will be, eating dinner at 4:45 in the afternoon!"

"My lands stretch across this entire one bedroom!"

Lewis

"I'm probably gay based on the way I act and behave and…I've walked and talked for [21] years."

"

Dawn

"One black coffee"

"Okay so, when you get kidnapped--not if, when– "

"The bread of bread is bread…"

Gus

"You know when you're twelve, when you're like 'no one look at me or I'll kill myself!"

"Thirteen year olds are the meanest people in the world."

Gregory

"One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!"

Kay (bonus)

"This is an on-fire garbage can….could be a nursery."

Sam

"None of us really know our fathers."

"Is he nice? NOOOO!"

"Brush your teeth! Now, BOOM, orange juice--that's life."

Calvin

"I always thought that uh, quicksand, was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be."

"Tonight Is The Night, and How We Only Have Tonight."

Walter

"My vibe is more like 'hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I'll probably apologize to you!"

"Think about that for ten seconds and tell me you don't want to walk into the ocean."

"I look like I was just sitting in a room on a chair eating saltines for like, 28 years."

"I didn't drink water the ENTIRE time."

Barbara

"Do My Friends Hate Me, Or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep?"

*wacks hookman killer in the head with the crutch* "Now I've thrown him off his rhythm!"

Molly

"McDonald's! McDonald's! McDonald's!"

"Was there ever even a ghost, mother, or was the little girl you saw just mE all along??"

"My parents loved us, they just didn't like us."

Edie

"You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair."

"Beat it, bozo!"

Sven

"My wife is a b**ch and I like her SO. Much."

"I just like old fashioned things."

[kimkat0500]

Alaris - "Look at the high-waisted man, he's got feminine hips." "and I said "No," y'know, like a liar." "I will start with the fact that I am homeless, as that is a given. Then for backstory I will pepper in the fact that I am gay." "Ah, numbers... The letters of math." "When he was holding back the gay part, he did some of his best work." I went to college, I was 18 years old, I looked like I was 11. I lived like a goddamn Ninja Turtle. I didn't drink water the entire time." "I get that mom, but why don't we just tell our relatives that I'm a four-year-old boy..."

Sasha - "Can I please go home? (No! In fact, we're gonna frame you for murder!)" "Sometimes babies will point at me and I don't care for that shit at all." "And my brother was like "Hah, that's great!" *imitates gunshot noise*" "Here goes nothing, "Ya ever seen a ghost?""

Natalie - "I grabbed it, drank all of it, and said "It's perfume."" "I am very small, and I have no money, so you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under." "I made a salad with Craisins!" "Give us some money!" "You're supposed to say "May I please have a Diet Coke please," and then maybe you would get one." "If you think this story ends with me being like "Absolutely Not," you're about to be so disappointed!"

Ella - "(And my girlfriend would just be like:) Let's see if Southwest has any flights." "Nah, nah, nah, you're not gettin' me to no secondary location!" "I'm allowed to make fun of my wife, I asked her and she said yes."

Rowen - "It was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA." "He grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground, and yelled "Scatter!"" "Eat ass, suck a dick, and sell drugs." "Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? 'Cause it sounds like he sucks and I will totally kill that guy for you." "I was two hours late for my intervention- I didn't know people were waiting on me!" "I'm like the great Rasputin, they cannot bring me to my knees."

Kara - "When I was a kid I used to watch "America's Most Wanted, as kids do, and I would always be like "How could a human being kill another human being?"" "You have your law practice, and me? I have all these fuckin' markers." "Ever been to the goddamn zoo?" "There's a horse, loose in the hospital! (literally)"

Thea - "And in a brilliant moment of word association, I yelled, "Fuck Da Police!"" "Because you're never too young to learn our national "No Snitching" policy." "I'm definitely never gonna be president. Not unless everyone gets real cool about a bunch of stuff really quickly." "I was the best-looking person at my intervention, by a mile." "Has there been [an insurrection] since I got out? No, they wouldn't dare. They know Baby J is back on the streets."

Alvar - "You could pour soup in my lap and I'll probably apologize to you." "You want my money? *mimics throwing* Go get it! Then you run the other direction!" "Have you ever seen old film from the past of people just waving at a ship? What if I called you now to do that?" "When I was three years old, I thought Miss America was the Statue of Liberty."

Riina - "13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day." "They'd be like "Governor, what's your favorite food?" and he'd be like "I don't know, fries."" "I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. It's exhausting." "So I go in and I sit down and I go "Hi, I'm John M..." and they stare at me like "Why are you holding for applause?""

Siral - "He ordered one black coffee, for himself, and kept driving." "And without looking up at me, he said "You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair."" "So let me ask you this... In Nazi Germany- [...] How are you better than a Nazi?" "Time for Street Smarts with Detective J.J. Bittenbinder! Shut up, you're all gonna die! Street Smarts!" "Well, that was 7-year-old John Mulaney, currently being sued for police brutality." "I don't care for these new Nazis, and you may quote me on that." "Oh, those old winter coats! You know that phenomenon."

Delos - "I was once on the telephone with blockbuster video (which is a very old-fashioned sentence)." "And he was wearing reading glasses to show that time had passed." "What is college? *stammering* Stop going until we figure it out!" "Everything was slower back in the old days because they didn't have enough to do, so they slowed things down to fill the time."

Zarton - "I'll keep all my emotions right here and then one day, I'll die." "I also don't want me to be doing what I'm doing. I don't like that I'm in that lane either and I sure would like to get out of it." "Brush your teeth! Now, Boom! Orange juice. That's life." "There's a horse, loose in the hospital! (metaphorically)"

Tag your OC as a John Mulaney quote

[gayhockeyhellhole]

zimbits as john mulaney kid gorgeous quotes

jack:

this is a weird topic, i wanna talk about a book i read about world war 2

like, years later, i’d be in college about to go down on some rockin’ twink, and i’d be like, “wait a second, what would leonard bernstein do?”

you just showed up at 8am and they were like “put down your stuff. go to the gym.”

fourteen years ago, i smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation. now, i’m afraid to get a flu shot. people change.

it’s tough not to get grumpy. it’s tempting. i get grumpy about some things, like, i can’t listen to any new songs.

bitty:

none of us really know our fathers. anyway-

i need everybody, all day long, to like me so much, it’s exhausting.

and then my dad said, “just explain to me this. how are you better than a nazi?” and then my mom said, “i made a salad with craisins!”

-”you kids have no upper body strength”. and we were like “we know, but hey.”

i’ve never talked to my dad about that, but i figured i would tell all of you.

but then if someone is like, “who would believe in a man up in the sky”, i’m like, “my mommy, so shut the fuck up!”

[maxineswritingcenter]

Bragger - Dean x fem!reader

Suggested by @rileynicole1967 based on the song Bragger by Kelsea Ballerini. I am definitely not putting off writing Little Mermaid AU. 

I guess spoilers for season 12 but not, ya know?

----

“Wait, remind me what the story is again?” Dean asked (Y/N). They were both making their way through the little suburban neighborhood that (Y/N)’s parents lived in. 

“Okay. So, you know how I dropped out of college and started hunting with you and Sam?”

“I do.” 

“Great. My parents don’t know that. Meaning, as far as they know, I am a fancy pants lawyer who has been so busy that I haven’t been able to visit them.” 

“Right.” He nodded, “Then... what’s my story?” 

“You, my love, are a fireman from Texas who volunteers at a youth shelter.” This story was completely pulled from her behind. The fireman story came from a phone call where a fire was mentioned. (Y/N) didn’t have the heart to tell her mother that Dean was burning a body and just came up with a story that there was a fire in a cemetery. And the youth group was from a slip up where she mentioned Jack and the best story was that they found him in an abandoned house and Dean took him under his wing. 

“Ahuh.” He looked over the house numbers on the mail boxes, “I’ll try my best to remember.” 

“Are you nervous?” She asked, seeing how his leg was shaking. 

“Me? Nervous?” He chuckled, but his smile dropped when he saw the serious look on her face, “Uh, yeah, I am.” 

“Well, put on a brave face. Dad can smell fear.” She said through a grin as they pulled into the house where her mother and father were already outside waiting. They exited the car and Dean watched his girlfriend and her mother embrace.

"Oh there's my little girl! We missed you so so much!" Her mother gushed.

"I missed you too, mom." They pulled away and she embraced her father.

Dean watched the family, his hands wringing nervously in his pockets. But he kept a small smile on his face. He was happy to meet her family. After all they had been through, they needed the normal. It gave Sam some time alone with Eileen the big guy needed it.

(Y/N) turned back and waved Dean forward. He came up besides her, taking his hands from his pockets.

"And this is Dean. Dean, this is mom and dad." She smiled.

Dean grinned, "Pleasure to meet you both." He said with a slight twang, seems like he's living out a western fantasy since he's "from Texas". He shook her father's hand, he held it out to her mother. But seems like mom was a hugger because she pushed his hand aside lightly and pulled him down into a hug.

"Oh we know all about you, Dean." She said into his shoulder. Dean chuckled and gave her a couple pats on the back before stepping out of the hug, "Good things I hope."

"Of course." Her mother said, "He's even more handsome than you described, Sweetie."

"Mother." (Y/N) said between her teeth.

“What? I just said he was handsome.” Mom waved off her daughter’s embarrassment.

“Let’s head inside! I’m sure the drive from Kansas was a doozy.” Mom and dad led the way towards the house. 

“You didn’t tell me your mom was June Cleaver.” Dean whispered to (Y/N) out of the corner of his mouth. 

“Yeah just wait until she gets a couple drinks in her.” (Y/N) said through a smile. 

- 

All was going well until it came to dinner. They all sat around the hardwood kitchen table, eating the meal that mom had prepared. It was going pretty well until Dad spoke up. 

“So Dean, tell us about the station.” 

Dean looked up from his meal and finished chewing his food, taking this time to make something up, “Uh, yeah so there’s about ten people in the crew. Not a lot of fires for the small town."

"Not making a lot of income then. Looks like (Y/N)'s the bread winner." Dad said as he took a drink. Mom, sensing the tension, slowly slipped away from to the kitchen. Dean's jaw clenched in it's special way. (Y/N) placed a hand on his knee under the table.

"Dad, it's not about the money. Dean is saving lives. Risking his life." She defended him.

"And that's admirable, sweetie. But I just don't want you to work yourself to death." At dad's words, Dean's leg began to shake but his face didn't change.

"Dad, I'm a lawyer," She lied, "I'm always going to be working myself to death."

"I make sure your daughter is taken care of, sir." Dean said. 

“Coulda fooled me.” Dad said under his breath. 

“Dad!” (Y/N) barked sharply. 

Just then, with her impeccable timing, Mom returned with a salad bowl in her hands, “I made a salad with craisins!” Dean, ignoring the salad, abruptly got up from the table, grabbed his jacket from the back of the chair and started walking towards the door as he shrugged it on. 

“Dean!” (Y/N) and her mother followed him, she was still holding the craisin salad. 

“Baby,” Dean stopped as he was half way through the door, “I just need a minute.” He left, slamming the door behind him. 

- 

Deciding she also needed a minute, (Y/N) made her way up tp her old bedroom much to the protests of her mother and her father telling her that she needed to move home if she “can’t find a man who can take a little criticism”. What he called criticism, she called blatant disrespect. Even though he wasn’t an actual firefighter, why would her dad talk to him like that? It was totally unlike him. 

To his credit, maybe he was really angry at her for not visiting since she “graduated”, but that was no reason to be so rude to Dean. 

A knock at the door brought her out of her thoughts. 

“Go away.” 

“I brought cookies.” That was mom's go-to I'm sorry dish. Did it make up for everything? No, but it certainly helped to have warm chocolate chip cookies.

"Come in." At her words, the door opened with mom in the doorway and a plate of cookies in her hands.

"Hi sweetie."

"What is his problem?" She asked, sitting up on her bed. Mom sighed and sat besides her, setting the plate of cookies between then.

"I'm not sure, honey. I think it's a combination of you not visiting more. And I think he believes that Dean isn't good enough for you."

(Y/N) rolled her eyes, "Good enough? Dean is the best think that's ever happened to me." She took a cookie and munched on it.

"I have never said anything bad about him. I can't help but flaunt him."

"I understand why you would." Mom said around a cookie.

"All that matters is that he loves me."

"Love doesn't pay the bills." The both looked up and saw Dad in the doorway, apparently listening to the conversation.

"You know what? I know you don't like him. Because he's not from around here, but he gets along with everyone. I'm gonna be honest, you can say whatever you want about my happily ever after because at the end of the day, he's mine. And I'm his. I've got his nights and his name."

"His name? You got married to him?!" Dad's voice rose.

"Yeah, I did. (Y/N) Winchester. Because I love him! If he were a wine, he'd be top shelf. If he were a house, he'd be the one at the end of the block. You see some washed up shmuck. But he's mine and I'll be damned if I listen to you anymore. As long as I live, I'll never come back here." (Y/N) shoved her way passed him and down the stairs, mom and dad behind her.

"Sweetie, please, wait." Her mom called.

(Y/N) was stopped at the bottom of the stairs, staring at the three men in the living room.

"Well lookie here, the whole family is here for dinner." The man in the middle say. He was a greasy looking man, her hair pulled back in a low pony tail, clad in biker gear. The two others besides him, bared their sharp, toothy grins.

--------------------------------------------------

Read part 2 here!

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[tahanismoved]

did you really think i’d forget this one?

Good evening. Hi, I’m John Mulaney, nice to meet you. Jon Brion, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for coming to see me at Radio City Music Hall. I love to play venues where if the guy that built the venue could see me on the stage, he would be a little bit bummed about it. Look at this. This is so much nicer than what I’m about to do. It’s really… It’s really tragic. What a historic and beautiful and deeply haunted building this is. I keep walking through cold spots being like, “I wonder who that used to be.”

I’ve never seen a ghost, by the way. I asked my mom if she’d ever seen a ghost. That’s where we’re at conversation-wise in our relationship as a mother and son, because I’m 35 and I don’t have any children to talk about and she doesn’t understand my career. So I was home for Christmas and we were just eating Triscuits in silence and I was staring at the floor and I was like, “Well, here goes nothing. ‘You ever seen a ghost?'” And my mom said, “Yes.” Which is the best answer. She said, “I never told you this before but our house, when you were growing up, was haunted.” I said, “Say more right now!” She said, “Outside you and your brother’s room, I used to see the ghost of a little girl in a Victorian nightgown and then she would walk down the hallway and then she would evaporate.” And then my dad said, “Let’s change the subject!” And I think he was just doing that dad-thing of, like, “This is a weird topic and I want to talk about a book I read about World War II.” But the way it came off was that he definitely killed that little girl. “Let’s change the subject! Why are we even talking about Penelope… or whatever her name was? I didn’t kill her! Whoever did kill her only did it to protect her from this world.”

None of us really know our fathers. Anyway… My dad is so weird. I’d love to meet him someday. You know, my friend was telling me that his dad used to beat him with a belt and that’s just the setup to my story, so… Forget about that poor son of a bitch. Anyway… He was talking and I was waiting for him to be done so I could talk. So he’s “talk, talk, talk.” It’s my turn next! And…

[audience laughing]

I said, “My dad never hit us.” My dad is a lawyer and he was a debate team champion. So he would pick us apart psychologically. One time I was at the dinner table when I was like six, because I had to be. My dad goes, “How was school today?” I said, “It was good but someone pushed Tyler off the seesaw.” “And where were you?” “I was over on the bench.” “And what did you do?” “Nothing. I was over on the bench.” “But you saw what happened?” “Yeah, ’cause I was over on the bench.” “So you saw what happened and you did nothing?” “Yeah, ’cause I was sitting over on the bench.” “Let me ask you this. In Nazi Germany…”

[audience laughing] “

…when people saw what the Nazis were doing and did nothing, were those good people?” “No, those are bad people. You gotta stop the Nazis.” “But you saw what they were doing to Tyler and you did nothing!” “Because I was over on the bench.” And then my dad said, “Just explain to me this. How are you better than a Nazi?” And then my mom said, “I made a salad with Craisins!” And the conversation ended.

My dad’s a very weird, informal guy. A lot of people ask me if he gave me a sex talk. Yes. I think. I was like 12 years old and my dad walked up to me and he said, “Hello… [chuckles] Hello, I’m Chip Mulaney. I’m your father.” And then he said the following, “You know,  Leonard Bernstein… was one of the great composers and conductors of the 20th century, but sometimes he would be gay. And according to a biography I read of him, when he was holding back the gay part, he did some of his best work.” [audience laughing] Now we don’t have time to unpack all of that. And I don’t know if he was discouraging me from being gay or encouraging me to be a classical composer. But that is how he thought to phrase it to a 12-year-old boy. How would that ever work? Like years later, I’d be in college about to go down on some rocking twink and I’d be like, “Wait a second… What would Leonard Bernstein do?” I’ve never talked to my dad about that, but I figured I would tell all of you.

[audience laughing]

This is so great. Thank you for coming. You’re here. That’s great. You all showed up. -[audience cheering] -I appreciate it. And then we showed up so you got to see the things that you paid to see. That’s great. You don’t always get to see the things that you paid to see. Ever been to the goddamn zoo? Those guys are never where they’re supposed to be. Every time I go to the zoo I’m like, “Hey, where’s the jaguar?” And the zoo guy is like, “He must be in the inside part.” The inside part? Tell him we’re here.

[audience laughing]

I love doing stand-up for crowds because this right here, this reminds me of assembly in grade school. And assembly was the only part of school I ever liked. Once you leave school, you don’t get to have assembly. This is the closest we get in adult life to assembly. ‘Cause look at you all, you’re just sitting there in chairs, looking at a guy with absolutely no expertise, who’s going to talk for a while. Although this is different than assembly because you bought tickets, you knew this was coming. Assembly you never knew was coming when you were a kid. You just showed up at 8:00 a.m. and they were like, “Put down your stuff. Go to the gym.” You’re like, “God, I guess they’re finally going to kill us all. All right. This is younger than I thought I would be but we are pretty big assholes.” You get to the gym and the whole school is sitting on the floor. You’re like, “What are we, about to graduate from Tuesday?” My principal would always come out to kick things off. She’d be like, “Children, rather than continue to teach you how to read, we have cleared the entire day for this random guy.” [imitating New York accent] “I used to smoke crack! As you seven and eight-year-olds probably know, freebasing is the greatest orgasm known to man. But I’m here to tell you there’s hope. I’ve been sober now two weeks. Well, weekdays, not weekends. Weekends, that’s Nunzio’s time.”

I was once in assembly listening to a guy talk about smoking crack. My social studies teacher yelled at me, “Sit up straight! Show some respect.” I was like, “He’s smoking cocaine.” “Sit up straight”? He’s standing on a 45-degree angle. Or, as junkies call it, first position.

[audience laughing]

I always got yelled at at assembly. That’s right. There was always assembly and then, like, that second assembly to yell at you for how you behaved at the first assembly. They’d be like, “Get in here! Sit down. I want to talk about what happened yesterday.” You’re like eight years old, “What’s yesterday?” “We invite a woman here with homemade puppets to teach you about bullying through skits and you laugh at this woman? We noticed you had all been bullying each other and making fun of everything constantly. So we invite a woman with straight gray hair, in a denim dress, with a wrist-cast and homemade puppets that all have the same voice to teach you about bullying through skits, and you, ha-ha-ha, laugh it up. What was so funny about that woman? I want to know. What was so funny about when she couldn’t fit the box of puppets back into the trunk of her Dodge Neon? What was so hilarious that you all ran to the windows? Well, you all missed a valuable lesson on the danger of cliques.” “What’s a clique?” “It’s when a group of people hang out together.” “Oh, you mean like having friends?” “No, because these people make fun of other people.” “Oh, you mean like having friends?”

[audience laughing]

The greatest assembly of them all, once a year, Stranger Danger. Yeah, the hottest ticket in town. The Bruno Mars of assemblies. You are gathered together as a school and you are told never to talk to an adult that you don’t know and you are told this by an adult that you don’t know. We had the same Stranger Danger speaker every year when I was a kid, his name was Detective JJ Bittenbinder. Go ahead and laugh. His name is ridiculous. That was his name. It was JJ Bittenbinder. He was from the Chicago Police Department. He was a child homicide expert and… -[audience is silent] -Oh, gee. [audience laughing] Very sorry, Radio City, did that make you uncomfortable? Well, guess what? You’re adults and he’s not even here. So try being seven years old and you’re sitting five feet away from him. He’s still got blood on his shoes. And he’s looking at you in the eye to tell you for the first time in your very young life that some adults find you incredibly attractive. [audience laughing] And they may just have to kill you over it. Okay, c’est la vie, go be kids, go have fun. Bittenbinder came every year. By the way, Detective JJ Bittenbinder wore three-piece suits. He also wore a pocket watch. Two years in a row, he wore a cowboy hat. He also had a huge handlebar mustache. None of that matters, but it’s important to me that you know that. He did not look like his job description. He looked like he should be the conductor on a locomotive powered by confetti. But, instead, he made his living in murder. He was the weirdest goddamn person I ever saw in my entire life. He was a man most acquainted with misery. He could look at a child and guess the price of their coffin.

[audience laughing]

That line never gets a laugh. But once you write it, it stays in the act forever.

So Bittenbinder came every year with a program to teach us about the violent world waiting for us outside the school gym, and that program was called Street Smarts! “Time for Street Smarts with Detective JJ Bittenbinder. Shut up! You’re all gonna die. Street Smarts!” That was the general tone. He would give us tips to deal with crime.

I will share some of the tips with you this evening. “Okay, tip number one. Street Smarts! Let’s say a guy pulls a knife on you to mug you.” You remember the scourge of muggings when you were in second and third grade. You know how a mugger thinks. “Man, I need cash for drugs right now. Hey, maybe that eight-year-old with the goddamn Aladdin wallet that only has blank photo laminate pages in it will be able to help.” “Let’s say a guy pulls a knife on you to mug you. What do you do? You go fumbling for your wallet. And you go fumbling for your wallet. Well, in that split-second, that’s when he’s going to stab you. So here’s what you do. You kids get yourselves a money clip. Okay, you can get these at any haberdashery. You put a $50 bill in the money clip then when a guy flashes a blade, you go, ‘You want my money, go get it!’ Then you run the other direction.” And our teachers were like, “Write that down.” [audience laughing] We’re like, “Buy a money clip. Engraved, question mark?” You go home to your parents. “Hey, Dad. Can I have a silver money clip with a $50 bill in it, please? Don’t worry. I’m only going to chuck it into the gutter and run away at the first sign of trouble. The man with the mustache told me to do it.”

“Tip number two. Street Smarts! Let’s say a kidnapper throws you in the back of a trunk…” This was at nine in the morning. [audience laughing] “Let’s say a kidnapper throws you in the back of a trunk. Don’t panic. [chuckles] Once you get your bearings… find the carpet that covers the taillight, peel back the carpet, make a fist, punch the taillight out the back of the car, thus creating a hole in the back of the automobile, then stick your little hand out and wave to oncoming motorists to let them know that something hinky is going on.” Can you imagine driving behind that? [imitating a thud] I think they’re turning left. [audience laughing]

“Tip number three. Street Smarts! You kids have no upper body strength.” And we were like, “We know but, hey.” “If some guy tries to grab you, you can’t fight him with fists. So here’s what you do. You kids fall down on your back and you kick upward at him. That’ll throw him off his rhythm.” That was a big thing with Bittenbinder, throwing pedophiles off their rhythm. “He’s not gonna know how to fight back with two little sneakers coming at him.” [audience laughing] “If the Lindbergh baby had steel-toe boots, he’d still be alive today. Street Smarts!”

Yeah, he was not a “spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down” kind of guy. He was more like, “Brush your teeth. Now, boom, orange juice. That’s life.” Bittenbinder, he didn’t want us to not get kidnapped. He wanted us to almost get kidnapped and then fight the guy off using weird, psych-out, back-room Chicago violence. Like here’s what he wanted to see on the news. “We’re here with seven-year-old John Mulaney who fended off a kidnapper earlier today. How did you do it, John?” [imitating heavy Chicago accent] “Well, thank ya for askin’. I used the Bittenbinder method. When I saw the perp approachin’, I chewed up a tab of Alka-Seltzer I carry with me at all times. This created a foaming-at-the-mouth appearance that made it look like I had rabies. Now I’ve thrown him off his rhythm. Then I reach into his jacket pocket where I had planted a gram of coke and I went, ‘Whoa! What the fuck is this?’ And he goes, ‘That’s not mine. I never seen that before.’ I go, ‘Boo-hoo, it’s in your jacket. You’re doing two to ten and your kids are going into Social Services.’ Now he’s cryin’! Then I grab a telephone book and I beat him on the torso with it. ‘Cause as any Chicago cop will tell ya, a phone book doesn’t leave bruises.” “Well, that was seven-year-old John Mulaney, currently being sued for police brutality.”

[audience laughing]

Bittenbinder told me things that haunt me to this day. He came one year for assembly. He goes, “Okay, when you get kidnapped…” Not if, when. [audience laughing] “Okay, so when you get kidnapped, the place where the guy grabs ya, in the biz we call that the primary location. Okay. Your odds of coming back alive from the primary location, about 60%. But if you are taken to a secondary location, your odds of coming back alive are slim to none.” I am 35 years old and I am still terrified of secondary locations. If I’m at a place, I never want to go to another place. I’ll be at a wedding reception and someone’ll be like, “You coming to the hotel bar after? We’re all gonna get drinks and keep the party going.” I’m like, “Nah, sister. You’re not getting me to no secondary location. You want it? Go get it!” Street Smarts! Stay alert out there. I thought I was going to be murdered my entire childhood. In high school people were like, “What are your top three colleges?” I was like, “Top three colleges? I thought I would be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out of the taillight by now.”

I went to college. For the whole time. Holy shit, right? I just got a letter from my college, which was fun ’cause mail, you know? So I open up the letter and they said, “Hey, John, it’s college. You remember?” I say, “Yes, of course.” And they said… How did they phrase it? They said, “Give us some money!”

[audience laughing]

“As a gift! We want a gift! But only if it’s money.” I found this peculiar. You see, what had happened, New York, was that when I was a student, I had paid them tuition money. Every semester, two semesters a year, for four years. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but rounding up, back in 1999 dollars, it was about $15,000 a semester, two semesters a year, for four years. So it was about $30,000 a year for four years. So it was about $120,000, okay? So roughly speaking, I gave my college about $120,000. Okay, so you might say that I already gave them $120,000 and now you have the audacity to ask me for more money. What kind of a cokehead relative…

[audience cheering]

What kind of a cokehead relative is my college? You spent it already? I gave you more money than the Civil War cost and you fucking spent it already? Where’s my money? I felt like Jimmy Stewart in It’s a Wonderful Life when he’s screaming at his uncle Billy. [as Jimmy Stewart] “Where’s the money? Where’s that money, you fat motherfucker? Where’s my money? Stay down on the ground, you motherfucker!” That’s not the dialogue. But do you remember that scene from It’s a Wonderful Life? Great movie, Frank Capra, 1946. A hundred and twenty thousand dollars! I have friends I went to college with and they’re like, “You should donate and be a good alumnus.” And they wear shirts that say “school” and it’s like, look… if you’re an adult still giving money to your college, college is a $120,000 hooker and you are an idiot who fell in love with her. She’s not going to do anything else for you. It’s done. In their letter they were like, “Hey, it’s been a while since you’ve given us money.” I was like, “Hey, it’s been a while since you’ve housed and taught me. I thought our transaction was over. I gave you $120,000 and you gave me a weird cinder block room with a Reservoir Dogs poster on it and the first real heartbreak of my life, and probably HPV, and then we called it a day.” Probably.

[audience laughing]

Also, what did I get for my money? What is college? [babbles] [audience laughing] Stop going until we figure it out. Because I went to college, I have no idea what it was. I went to college, I was 18 years old, I looked like I was 11. I lived like a goddamn Ninja Turtle. I didn’t drink water the entire time. I lived on cigarettes and alcohol and Adderall. College was like a four-year game show called Do My Friends Hate Me or Do I Just Need to Go to Sleep? But instead of winning money, you lose $120,000. By the way, I agreed to give them $120,000 when I was 17 years old. With no attorney present. That’s illegal. They tricked me. They tricked me like Brendan Dassey on Making a Murderer. They tricked me like poor Brendan. They pulled me out of high school. I was in sweatpants, all confused. Two guys in clip-on ties are like, “Come on, son, do the right thing. Sign here and be an English major.” And I was like, “Okay.” Yes, you heard me, an English major. -I paid $120,000. -[audience cheering] How dare you clap? How dare you clap for the worst financial decision I ever made in my life? I paid $120,000 for someone to tell me to go read Jane Austen and then I didn’t.

[audience laughing]

That’s the worst use of 120 grand I can possibly fathom. Other than if you, like, bought a duffel bag of fake cocaine. No, I take it back. That’s a better use of the money, ’cause I know you’d be disappointed when you open up the duffel bag and you realize it’s not real cocaine, it’s like powdered baby aspirin or whatever they do. But at least you have baby aspirin. And maybe you have a baby and one day your baby goes, “Oh, my head,” and you go, “Hey, I’ve got something for you! Come here, little guy.” And you dump it out on a mirror. You make it nice for the baby. You make it nice. You cut it up into lines with your laundry card or whatever and you make it nice, and your baby takes his sippy-cup straw and he holds it in his little ravioli-sized baby fist and he leans over– [snorts] and he snorts up the baby aspirin, and he gets rid of his baby headache, plus you get a duffel bag! [audience laughing] That is way better than walking across a stage at graduation, hungover, in a gown, to accept a certificate for reading books that I didn’t read.

[audience laughing]

Strolling across a stage, the sun in my eyes, my family watching as I sweat vodka and ecstasy, to receive a four-year degree in a language that I already spoke.

[audience cheering]

I don’t mean to sound down on donating. [chuckles] It’s good to give to charities, you know. My wife and I just gave a bunch of stuff to Goodwill. We were moving apartments, we had a bunch of clothes and furniture, so we made a whole day out of it. We made these big piles of clothes, we put the piles into these big boxes, then we put the boxes into the back of my car, and then they stayed there for four months. And then one day my wife said, “Hey, you took that stuff to Goodwill, right?” And I said, “Of course I did! On an unrelated note, I’m going to walk out the front door right now.” So then I had to speed to Goodwill really fast. It was charitable, but it was also fast and violent, because I was throwing boxes at people. The boxes were so heavy I couldn’t even say what was in them. I was like, “This one’s shirts. I got a bunch of shirts! Take ’em away!” The guy tried to give me a big receipt. He’s like, “Take this receipt for the clothing for your taxes.” How do I write that on my taxes? “Dear IRS, please deduct from my federal income tax one XXL Billabong T-shirt from youth. It was too big. My mom said it could be a sleep shirt. Please deduct this from my 2017 income.” That sleep shirt bullshit. “Well, if it’s too big you can just wear it as a sleep shirt.” No, I get that, Mom, but why don’t we just tell our relatives that I’m a four-year-old boy and I don’t wear a man’s XXL T-shirt? “Because we don’t say that when someone gives us a gift because that would not be polite.” Oh, I get it. So rather than violate these meaningless politeness rules, I’ll just go to bed in a smock like goddamn Ebenezer Scrooge. Why don’t you give me a candle for looking in the mirror and a floppy hat and I’ll tremble off to bed in my long Victorian nightgown? Was there ever even a ghost, Mother, or was the dead Victorian girl you saw just me all along?

[audience cheering]

So that’s why you can’t give to charity. I’m kidding.

I like to throw an “I’m kidding” at the ends of jokes now, in case the jokes are ever played in court. You ever heard a joke played in court? Never goes well. They’re like, “‘And that’s why you shouldn’t give… to charity.’ Is that something you find funny, Mr. Mulaney?” Um… at the time. [chuckles] I found out recently that jokes don’t do well in court. So, some friends of mine were sued in college for property damage. And they were guilty. And the lawsuit dragged on for years and years and eventually I got a call when I was 28 years old. It was my friend from college, he said, “Hey, that lawsuit with my neighbor is still dragging on and my neighbor just subpoenaed all my emails from college that mention him or the lawsuit.” And I said, “That’s crazy. But why are you calling me?” And he said, “Because you should be concerned.”

[audience laughing]

He said, “I have an email here from junior year where I wrote, ‘Hey, guys, I’m going to miss practice tonight because I have to meet with my neighbor about that lawsuit thing.’ And you replied, ‘Hey, do you want me to kill that guy for you? Because it sounds like he sucks and I will totally kill that guy for you. Okay. See you at improv practice.'”

[audience laughing]

Of all the sentences in that email I would be ashamed to have read out loud in a court of law, I think the top one is “See you at improv practice.”

Strange, the passage of time. I’m not that old. I’m 35, that is not old. But I am in a new phase right before old called “gross.”

[audience laughing]

I never knew about this, but I am now gross. I am damp all the time. I am damp now and I will be damp later. [chuckles] Like the back of a dolphin, my back. I am slick. The butt part of my pants is a little damp a lot and I don’t think it’s anything serious… but isn’t it, though? And… I’ll be sitting at a restaurant and I’ll get up and I’ll be like, “What did I sit in?” And it was me. I’m gross now. I’ve been talking through burps. I never used to do this. When I was a kid and I wanted to burp, I’d be like, “Silence!” Blagh! Now I’m trying to push ’em down and muscle through ’em. I’ll be at dinner, just doing the bread and the seltzer, filling up like a hot air balloon, and then I’m like… [belches] “Did you say you were going to Italy? Because we have a travel– She has a travel agent if– [exhales] I’m going to the kitchen, does anyone need anything? From the… [belches] Anyone need anything?” Just take a pause, John! I’m gross. I have hair on my shoulders now. I don’t even have a joke for that. That’s how much I hate that shit.

[audience laughing]

I was sitting up in bed a few weeks ago like… [groans] You know, life. And my wife was rubbing my shoulders, which was very nice of her, but then she started singing to herself. “Monkey, monkey, monkey man.”

[audience laughing]

“Monkey, monkey, monkey man.” Not at me. Not to be mean. This was a song from deep in her subconscious. I don’t even think she was aware she was singing it. But it was certainly not the first time she had sung it. I don’t know what my body is for other than just taking my head from room to room.

[audience laughing]

And it’s not getting any better. I’m 35, but I’m still like, “Hey, when am I going to get big and strong?” This is it. It’s just going to be this. I’m like an iPhone, it’s going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason. As I get older, it’s tough to not get grumpy. It’s tempting. I get grumpy about some things. Like, I can’t listen to any new songs because every new song is about how tonight is the night and how we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called “Tonight’s No Good, How About Wednesday? Oh, You’re in Dallas on Wednesday? Okay. Well, Let’s Just Not See Each Other for Eight Months And It Doesn’t Matter at All.”

[audience cheering]

I’m trying to stay nice though, because when I was a kid, I was raised that you should be nice to everyone in every situation because you never know their story. But now, at the end of my life, I don’t know, because a lot of people don’t seem that nice and they seem to be doing fine in the world. Or maybe they have different definitions of what it means to be nice. That’s something you figure out as you get older and meet new people. Not everyone thinks the same things are nice. You learn that especially when you get jobs. I had a very weird job in my mid-20s for about four and a half years. I was a writer right across the street over at  Saturday Night Live. It was very exciting. Yeah.

[audience cheering]

It was great. I loved it. If you haven’t seen the show, you gotta check it out.

They have a host and a musical guest. Oh, my God, you’re going to love it. Real quick tangent. Okay, my favorite host ever introducing a musical guest was this. The host was Sir Patrick Stewart, the great Sir Patrick Stewart, and this is how he introduced the musical guest. “Ladies and gentlemen, Salt-N-Pepa!”

[audience laughing]

Like he was surprised by Pepa. Like minutes before they’d been, “Sir Patrick, we can’t find Pepa anywhere.” And he’s like, “If we must go on with Salt alone, we will go on with Salt alone!” And they were like, “Three, two, one,” and Pepa burst through the door and he’s like, “Ladies and gentlemen, Salt and… what’s this? Pepa!”

Famous people are weird as shit. They’re all weird. Your suspicions are correct. And they would all come in to Saturday Night Live and they’d have to meet with me because I was a little rat writer and they’d have to talk about the sketches. They’d sit on my office couch that had like bed bugs and stuff. It was great. Like, they were famous, but it was my couch. It’d be like if you went into your childhood bedroom and Joe DiMaggio was sitting there. Yeah, he’s Joe DiMaggio, he’s a legend, he had sex with Marilyn Monroe, but only you know where the bathroom is.

[audience laughing]

Everyone always wants to know if famous people are nice. Like Mick Jagger. He came in to host the show. My friends were all like, “Is he nice?” No! Or maybe he is… for his version of life. Because he has a very different life. He’s Mick Jagger. That’s his name. He’s played to stadiums of 20,000 people cheering for him like he’s a god for 50 years. That must change you as a person. If you do that for 50 years, you’re never again going to be like, “Um, does anyone have a laptop charger I could borrow?” None of that bullshit way we all have to talk to get through life. [in plaintive voice] “Hi. Knock, knock. Sorry.” That’s how I walk into rooms. I am 35 years old, I am six feet tall. I lower myself, I go, “Hi. Knock, knock.” I say “knock, knock” out loud. Mick Jagger didn’t talk like that. Mick Jagger talked like this. He’d go, “Yes! No! Yes!” I pitched him a joke and he went, “Not funny!”

[audience laughing]

I mean, people say that on the internet, but never to your face does a British billionaire in leather pants go, “Not funny!” I spent two hours alone with Mick Jagger that week. We were writing song lyrics, it was for a fake song in a comedy sketch. And he was sitting there, and we came to one point and he goes, “All right, ‘Let’s all go to the picnic, let’s all have a drink.’ Let’s see, what rhymes with drink?” And I said… “Think?” And Mick Jagger said, “No!”

[audience laughing]

And then I said, “Sink?” And Mick Jagger said… “Yeah!” And I was like, “Motherfucker, is this how you write songs? Just one word at a time with verbal abuse?” “All right, ‘I can’t get no…'” -Happiness? -“No!” -Satisfaction? -“Yeah! All right! Next sentence! Space bar. Indent. Space bar.” Mick Jagger would go like this, “Diet Coke!” And one would appear in his hand. Now that’s not nice, right? The way I was raised, you’re supposed to say, “May I please have a Diet Coke, please?” And then maybe you will get one. And I bet all of you were taught to say please and thank you. But if all of us could go, “Diet Coke!” and one would appear in our hand, we’d do it all day long. Even if you don’t like Diet Coke, you’d just summon ’em so you could chuck ’em at oncoming cars.

Famous people are often rude because they’re used to getting things really quickly. I bet a lot of us are pretty polite. But as soon as we get things quickly, we start to get ruder and ruder. Look at technology, it’s faster than ever and we’re ruder than ever. People walk around on the phone now, “Hello? You still there? Lost him.” And that’s it. No follow-through with that guy. Fifty years ago, if you were on the telephone with your friend and suddenly the line just went dead, that meant your friend was murdered. The phone used to be a big deal. It was a long, polite process. Back in the 1940s, the phone was like a wood box… with a thing on it. I don’t know. It had its own room. You’d go, “That’s the phone’s room!” And it was expensive. You’d wait all week to make your call. “It’s almost Tuesday!” And then you’d take the cup on the string or whatever… There weren’t even numbers. You’d just go, “Hello? Anyone? [yells] Anyone in the world?” Then you’d go, “Operator, ring me Neptune 5-117.” And the operator was a real person that you had to be nice to. She’d be like, “One moment, please. I’m putting wires into a board filled with holes to move the voices around, ’cause it is the ’40s.” And it took like 90 minutes. Now people just drive around screaming at their phones like… -Call home! -“Calling the mobile for Tom.” Not fucking Tom! [imitating Mick Jagger] Not funny!

[audience laughing]

Everything was slower back in the old days ’cause they didn’t have enough to do, so they had to slow things down to fill the time. I don’t know if you read history, but back then people would wake up and go, “God, it’s the old times.”

[audience laughing]

“Shit, I gotta wear all those layers. There’s no Zyrtec or nothing. Okay, we gotta… We gotta think of some weird slow activities to fill the day.” And they did. Have you ever seen old film from the past of people just waving at a ship? [audience laughing] What if I called you now to do that? Hey, what are you doing Monday at 10:00 a.m.? All right, there’s a Norwegian Cruise Line leaving for Martinique. Here’s my plan, you and me get very dressed up, including hats, and then we wave handkerchiefs at it until it disappears over the horizon. No, I don’t know anyone on the ship.

[audience laughing]

Everything is too fast now and totally unreasonable. The world is run by computers, the world is run by robots and we spend most of our day telling them that we’re not a robot just to log on and look at our own stuff. All day long. May I see my stuff, please? [grumbles] “I smell a robot. Prove, prove, prove. Prove to me you’re not a robot. Look at these curvy letters. Much curvier than most letters, wouldn’t you say? No robot could ever read these. You look, mortal, if ye be. You look and then you type what you think you see. Is it an “E” or is it a “3”? That’s up to ye. The passwords of past you’ve correctly guessed, but now it’s time for the robot test! I’ve devised a question no robot could ever answer. Which of these pictures does not have a stop sign in it?” Fucking what?

[audience cheering]

You spend most of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don’t want to walk into the ocean.

I just like old-fashioned things. I was in Connecticut recently, doing white people stuff.

[audience cheering]

Yeah. One day… Well, it doesn’t matter why, but I was sitting in a gazebo, and…

[audience laughing]

there was a plaque on the gazebo and it said, “This gazebo was built by the town in 1863.” That is in the middle of the Civil War. And the whole town built a gazebo. What was that town meeting like? “All right, everyone, first order of business, we have all the telegrams from Gettysburg with the war dead. Let’s see here. Okay, everyone’s husband and brother and… everyone died. Okay. Josiah, you had something?” “Yes, I do. How’d you like to be indoors and out of doors all at once? Ever walk into the park with your betrothed and it starts to rain, but you still want to hold hands? Well, may I introduce you to, and my condolences again to everyone, the gazebo!” [audience laughing] Building a gazebo during the Civil War, that’d be like doing stand-up comedy now.

[audience laughing and applauding]

Yes. Thank you for clapping at my political gazebo material. I’m very brave.

I’ve never really cared about politics. Never talked about ’em much. But then, last November, the strangest thing happened.

[audience laughing]

Now, I don’t know if you’ve been following the news, but I’ve been keeping my ears open and it seems like everyone everywhere is super-mad about everything all the time. I try to stay a little optimistic, even though I will admit, things are getting pretty sticky.

Here’s how I try to look at it, and this is just me, this guy being the president, it’s like there’s a horse loose in a hospital. It’s like there’s a horse loose in a hospital. I think eventually everything’s going to be okay, but I have no idea what’s going  to happen next. And neither do any of you, and neither do your parents, because there’s a horse loose in the hospital. It’s never happened before, no one knows what the horse is going to do next, least of all the horse. He’s never been in a hospital before, he’s as confused as you are. There’s no experts.

[audience cheering]

They try to find experts on the news. They’re like, “We’re joined now by a man that once saw a bird in the airport.” Get out of here with that shit! We’ve all seen a bird in the airport. This is a horse loose in a hospital.

When a horse is loose in a hospital, you got to stay updated. So all day long you walk around, “What’d the horse do?” The updates, they’re not always bad. Sometimes they’re just odd. It’ll be like, “The horse used the elevator?”

[audience laughing]

I didn’t know he knew how to do that. [audience laughing] The creepiest days are when you don’t hear from the horse at all. [audience laughing] You’re down in the operating room like, “Hey, has anyone…”

[audience laughing]

“Has anyone heard–” [imitates clopping hooves] Those are those quiet days when people are like, “It looks like the horse has finally calmed down.” And then ten seconds later the horse is like, “I’m gonna run towards the baby incubators and smash ’em with my hooves. I’ve got nice hooves and a long tail, I’m a horse!” That’s what I thought you’d say, you dumb fucking horse.

And then…

[audience cheering]

Then… Then you go to brunch with people and they’re like, “There shouldn’t be a horse in the hospital.” And it’s like, “We’re well past that.” Then other people are like, “If there’s gonna be a horse in the hospital, I’m going to say the N-word on TV.” And those don’t match up at all. And then, for a second, it seemed like maybe we could survive the horse, and then, 5,000 miles away, a hippo was like, “I have a nuclear bomb and I’m going to blow up the hospital!” And before we could say anything, the horse was like, “If you even fucking look at the hospital, I will stomp you to death with my hooves. I dare you to do it. I want you to do it. I want you to do it so I can stomp you with my hooves, I’m so fucking crazy.” “You think you’re fucking crazy, I’m a fucking hippopotamus. I live in a fucking lake of mud. I’m fucking crazy.” And all of us are like, “Okay.” Like poor Andy Cohen at those goddamn reunions. “Okay.” And then, for a second, we were like, “Maybe the horse-catcher will catch the horse.” And then the horse is like, “I have fired the horse-catcher.”

[audience laughing]

He can do that? That shouldn’t be allowed no matter who the horse is. I don’t remember that in Hamilton.

[audience laughing]

Sometimes, if you make fun of the horse, people will get upset. These are the people that opened the door for the horse. I don’t judge anyone. But sometimes I ask people. I go, “Hey, how come you opened the door for the horse?” And they go, “Well, the hospital was inefficient!” [audience laughing] Or sometimes they go, “If you’re so mad at the horse, how come you weren’t mad when the last guy did this three and a half years ago? You’re beating up on the horse when the last guy essentially did the same thing five years ago.” First off, get out of here with your facts. You’re like the kid at the sleepover who, after midnight, is like, “It’s tomorrow now!” Get the fuck out of here with your technicalities. Just ’cause you’re accurate does not mean you’re interesting. That was fun when we watched Beetlejuice tonight. “Don’t you mean last night? It’s after midnight.” Why don’t you get your sleeping bag and get out of my house! Take your EpiPen, take your goddamn EpiPen and get out of my house!

But when people say, “How come you were never mad at the last guy?” I say, “Because I wasn’t paying attention.” I used to pay less attention before it was a horse. Also, I thought the last guy was pretty smart, and he seemed good at his job, and I’m lazy by nature. [audience cheering] I’m lazy by nature too. So I don’t check up on people when they seem okay at their job. You may think that’s an ignorant answer but it’s not, it’s a great answer. If you left your baby with your mother tonight, you’re not going to race home and check the nanny cam. But if you leave your baby with Gary Busey…

[audience laughing]

And now there’s Nazis again.

[audience laughing]

When I was a kid Nazis was just an analogy you would use to decimate your child during an argument at the dinner table. [audience laughing] Now there’s new Nazis. I don’t care for these new Nazis and you may quote me on that. These new Nazis, “Jews are the worst, Jews ruin everything, and Jews try to take over your life.” It’s like, “You know what, motherfucker? My wife is Jewish. I know all that, how do you know all that?”

[audience laughing]

I’m allowed to make fun of my wife. I asked her and she said yes. [audience laughing] I’ve been married for about three and a half years now -and I was going out on tour…

[cheering]

Thank you very much. And I love and respect my wife very much. So I said to her, “We’ve been married for three and a half years.” And she knew that. I said, “Do you mind if I still make fun of you on stage? And my wife said, “Yeah, you can make fun of me. But just don’t say that I’m a bitch and that you don’t like me.” I was like, “The bar is so much lower than I ever imagined. That’s it?” Also, I wouldn’t say that. What kind of show would that even be? Hello. My wife is a bitch! And I don’t like her! That’s like a support group for men in crisis, with keynote speakers Jon Voight and Alec Baldwin.

[audience laughing]

Also, I would never say that, not even as a joke, that my wife is a bitch and I don’t like her. That is not true. My wife is a bitch and I like her so much.

[audience cheering]

She is a dynamite, five-foot, Jewish bitch and she’s the best. She and I have totally different styles. When my wife walks down the street, she does not give a shit what anyone thinks of her in any situation. She’s my hero. When I walk down the street, I need everybody, all day long, to like me so much. It’s exhausting. My wife said that walking around with me is like walking around with someone who’s running for mayor of nothing.

[audience laughing]

My wife and I went to Best Buy to get a TV. We didn’t end up getting the TV. I was afraid that the Best Buy guy was going to be mad at me, so I bought an HDMI cable.

[audience laughing]

I go to the register with Anna, my wife’s name Anna, she’s standing next to me, I hand the guy the HDMI cable. He takes it, he scans it, he says, “Do you have a Best Buy Rewards card?” And I said, “No, I wish!”

[audience laughing]

And then my wife said, “Jesus Christ!” And fully walked away from me. Walked all the way to the laser printers and just stood there, Blair Witch style. And I’m still up at the register like…

[audience laughing]

And the guy goes, “Do you want a Best Buy Rewards card?” And I said, “No.” Even though I had just said it was my greatest wish in life. I was hoping he’d believe me, that it was secretly my great wish but that I’m in an abusive marriage with little Miss Jesus Christ over here so I can’t ask for the things I want in public but at home, at night, we argue about it and I’m like, “You’ll see! One day I’m going to leave you and I’m going to get that Best Buy Rewards card.” She’s like, “Jesus Christ, you’re never going to get that Best Buy Rewards card!”

My wife is Jewish, as I said, I was raised Catholic. We have differences in our religious upbringings and we realized this recently. Not with our kids, because we don’t have any kids. People always ask us, “Are you going to have kids?” and we say no. And then they go, “Never? You’re never going to have kids?” Look, I don’t know “never.” Fourteen years ago, I smoked cocaine the night before my college graduation. Now I’m afraid to get a flu shot. People change.

[audience laughing]

But we don’t have any kids now and it’s great. We have a dog though. We have a four-year-old French bulldog. Her name is Petunia.

[audience cheering]

The idea of people applauding for that little monster. Just… I mean, I would never tell her that you applauded. It would go right to her ego, that little monster who just rubs her vulva on the carpet while staring at me in the eye. [imitates dog snarling] I know her vulva itches and she needs to rub it, but the thumping of the back paws… It’s upsetting. I’m just kidding. I love Petunia very much. She’s one of my most favorite people I’ve ever met in my life. Petunia likes to be very social but she can’t walk very far because she has a flat face, so she can’t breathe by design. But she wants to go out and meet people but we can’t walk her for that long. Anyway, this is a long-winded way of saying that we bought a stroller for our dog.

[audience laughing]

My wife and I walk around New York City pushing Petunia the French bulldog in a stroller, and it’s a big stroller and it has a big black hood. And people lean in to see the baby.

[audience laughing]

And instead they see a gargoyle breathing like Chris Christie. [imitates dog snarling] Her paws are sweating. We’re like, “He’s sick.” [chuckles]

But religion came up with Petunia recently. My wife and I were talking about cute things that Petunia could be involved in. And I said, “What if we got like a Biblical painting done with Petunia in it?” And my wife is like, “That would be so cute. We should do like The Last Supper.” And I was like, “Oh, my God, that would be so cute. We should do all different French Bulldogs as the different Apostles.” And my wife was like, “We should have Petunia in the middle where Jesus is, in front of the turkey.” And I was like, “Wait, what did you just say?”

[audience laughing]

“Did you say the turkey?” And my wife said, “Yeah, why?” And I said… I said, “Would you just answer me one question? Do you think that in da Vinci’s The Last Supper that Jesus of Nazareth is sitting in front of a turkey?”

[audience laughing]

And my wife said, “Yes, I do,” and I said, “Thank you for your honesty. Would you just– Just one more follow-up question. So then what do you think they’re celebrating?” [audience laughing] “What do you think… those guys are celebrating?” She said, “Okay, I don’t get this shit because I wasn’t raised Catholic and I’m fucking glad I wasn’t because it’s a fucked-up organization.” I said, “No. We all know that.”

[audience laughing]

“But what do you think those guys are celebrating?” And my wife looked at the floor. And then she looked at me and said, “Thanksgiving.”

[audience laughing]

My family went to church every Sunday when I was a kid. My wife cannot believe this. She’s like, “You went every Sunday?” -“Yes.” -“What if you were out of town?” I was like, “They have them out of town.” I don’t know if you grew up going to church and now you don’t, but it can be a weird existence. Because I like to make fun of it all day long, but then if someone like Bill Maher says, “Who would believe in a man up in the sky?” I’m like, “My mommy, so shut the fuck up!”

[audience cheering]

“Stop calling my mommy dumb.” If you grew up going to church and you have adult friends that didn’t, they have a lot of questions. “Wait, so they forced you to go?” Yeah, I was five, I was forced to go everywhere. No kid is just going to church. Riding by on his Huffy, like, “Whoa! What’s this place? A weird Byzantine temple with green carpeting where everyone has bad breath and I wear clothes that I hate on one of the mornings of my two days off? Let’s do this.”

[audience laughing]

But people get very suspicious. They’re like, “What did they say in there? What do they do? What did they tell you?” I don’t know, it was an hour. That should be the slogan for the Catholic church. “It’s an hour!” It’s a few stories, normally about a guy with a crazy name whose wife has a normal name. “In that town lives Zepheriuses and his wife Rachel.” How come she gets to be Rachel? “On their way to Galilee, Jesus met Enos and Barak and their wives, Kylie and Lauren.” And you’re like, “What? That’s the same joke twice.”

[audience laughing]

Then there’s the homily. If you’re not Catholic, the homily is when the priest does a book report that is also stand-up comedy.

[audience laughing]

It normally begins with a charming anecdote that is fake and never happened. “A woman was at a shopping mall with her young son.” What was the woman’s name? Hey, Father, what was the name of the shopping mall? Your story doesn’t have a lot of details. You only had a week to work on it and you’ve had the book for 2,000 years.

[audience laughing]

And then there’s some songs normally sung by an usher. One of these ushers that opens the door for you and gives you the pamphlet and they all look like Marco Rubio.

[audience laughing]

That guy will get up and sing into the microphone. He’s not a singer… ’cause he’s not good at it. But he tries. He sings the Psalms. Remember the Psalms? They’re not songs ’cause they don’t rhyme and they’re not good. They’re perfectly named, they’re not quite songs, they’re Psalms. It’s a word you’re meant to mishear. “I’m gonna sing a Psalm today.” What’s that? You’re gonna sing a song? “Yeah. It’s a Psalm.” And then these guys get up in front of everyone and they’re like…

♪ The bread of God is bread ♪ ♪ He will bring us bread ♪ ♪ No one but the one from Jericho ♪ ♪ Can bring bread to bread ♪

And then the guy goes like this. [audience laughing] And that means we’re supposed to sing our lines, except we don’t know our lines for shit. Where’s that pamphlet? Where’s that pamphlet they gave us? Move the jackets. Ah-ha-ha!

♪ The bread of bread is bread ♪ ♪ Bread is God is bread ♪

It’s just dads singing so loud, thinking that’ll somehow get their kids to sing.

♪ Bread is God is bread ♪ ♪ Is God is bread ♪ ♪ Is God is bread… ♪

“Sing, goddamn it!” My dad once grabbed me by the shirt and lifted me up during church and said, “God can’t hear you.”

[audience laughing]

Goodnight, New York. Thank you very much.

[audience cheering]

[“Lithium” playing on organ]

[organist and audience singing “Lithium” chorus]

[audience cheering]

[melonoverlord]

New asks for Biddy

Which parent do they look the most like?

She’s definitely her mother’s daughter, and takes a lot after her. She has one photo of her mom when she was young and she looks almost exactly like Biddy.

Is there a name they were almost given (either by their parents or during character creation)?

Her parents always intended for her to be Biddy first, and then found Bridgette as a name that would act as a full name. And it was perfect that she came out Iddy Biddy.

What were they like as a kid (if they’re currently a child, what would they be like as a teen)?

Bridgette turns from a savage kid to an even more savage teen. Although she’s the youngest, she acts as the voice of reason for her own eventual super team (which consists of her, Ezra, Sarita, and one or two surprise youngsters ;)) and is not afraid to call anyone out on their bullshit while expecting to be called out on her own bullshit. However, Biddy still remains very kind when it comes to people she loves.

What’s their drinking tolerance and what kind of drunk are they?

She has a fairly high constitution for being a Chi du Soma and because of her power of growing, but because her natural body is so small, she’s about the mid range of tolerance. She can have about 3 drinks before she gets drunk, and she’s a very loud but surprisingly affectionate drunk. When she’s older she’s the first one to loudly tell the others how much she loves them.

Where do they like to be touched?

She is very particular with who she lets touch her, with right now solely being Bailey, but depending if particularly Louis and Ashi get closer to her (and Daniel when the ultimate big brother to rival Bailey comes to the Library), she will let them give her head pats and hold her hand. It’s very small and can hold many uwus. She also likes to feel tall without using her chi, so she is a big proponent of climbing onto people’s backs.

What’s their favorite position (top/bottom/switch/pillow princess/etc.)

N/A

What are their kinks?

N/A

How do they feel about adrenaline (roller coasters, extreme sports, etc.)?

She’s one of those kids who will cry in line all the way until she’s strapped down in a rollercoaster, but as soon as it takes off, she will be screaming with joy at the top of her lungs. She’s a mix of a scaredy cat in anticipation but once it’s happening, she loves it.

What is their fight or flight response?

Considering Bridgette will want to push Dahlia down the stairs when she arrives, she’s very fighty. Don’t let this little girl hold a grudge against you. She will kill you.

What’s their pain tolerance?

People with Chi du Soma tend to have a higher constitution, so Biddy can take a couple of hefty hits before she’s out. She’s also a creature made out of spite and will have to be dragged out of any fight she gets in because she knows what she’s talking about. However, this is assuming that she will be allowed in a fight before she’s fifteen.

What character archetype are they the most like (the Innocent, the Hero, etc.)

The Explorer. She wants to find the truth in the world and know everything there is to discover. Because if she finds the truth of everything, then surely she’ll always be right.

What TV-Tropes trope would they be?

Cute Bruiser would probably be the best to fit her. She’s small, she’s adorable, she will also commit acts of violence if you upset her.

What John Mulaney quote/bit do they most embody?

She’s the whole “I was over on the bench” bit, but she’s John Mulaney’s dad and Ezra’s John Mulaney. And Sarita made a salad with craisins.

With the exception of love interests and immediate family, who are they closest to?

She considers Bailey her family, so outside of him, although she claims to hate Ezra because he’s… Ezra, deep deep down he’s her best friend. She’s fond of Ashi, but sometimes she thinks that Ashi hates her because they both got that resting bitch face. In a perfect world, Biddy and Sari combined make the perfect mini Ashi.

What is their moral alignment? What would have to happen for it to shift?

Lawful Neutral. You better be doing the objective best or you’re a thot.

Are they a morning person? What are they like before 8am?

She’s a morning person, but begrudgingly. Her natural alarm clock wakes her up at 7am but she’s grumpy that her body tells her she has to be up that early. Usually she just draws until it’s time to wake Bailey up to tell him to feed her breakfast.

What are they like when they’re tired?

When tired, any place is now Biddy’s bed. The floor? Biddy’s bed. Your lap? Biddy’s bed? Underneath the sink? Biddy’s bed. She will curl up on any surface big enough to hold her and just sleep. It’s made for some very panicked Bailey moments running around trying to figure out just where the hell she dozed off now.

What are they like in arguments?

Something that Biddy needs to work on is that in arguments she gets physical, hitting, kicking, and in extreme cases, just biting or licking her opponent until they back down. She’s a very angry little girl.

What is their dominant hand?

Right

Out of 10, how happy are they? How happy do they think they are?

Biddy’s got a fairly high self esteem because she’s got a pretty black and white morality, but she still gets sad from time to time because she misses her family and is an extremely jealous person who holds grudges like no other. Therefore, she’d rest at a solid 7/10.

[unwritrecipes]

Thanksgiving Recipe Roundup-2019

Happy November! Are you still drowning in Halloween candy? Here in the Northeast, the weather did not exactly cooperate, so even though I bought far less candy than I usually do, we still have a fairly large bowl of it leftover. Hmmm…whatever will we do?

But enough about candy, it’s on to the next holiday and as you know, it’s a biggie! For once I am actually planning early (it helps that Thanksgiving comes later in the month than usual—that and the fact that there will probably be at least 25 people at my house for dinner that night, so I’d better be prepared!)

So to get us ready (mostly me) I thought I’d do a little recipe round up and planning session , so I can figure out what I’m making, what my Thanksgiving guests will be bringing and whether we can actually pull this off without renting tables and chairs (which somehow made it less comfortable last year!)

Okay, so here goes:

APPETIZERS

Do you do these at all? My feeling is that there will be so much food that no one needs to fill up before the meal, but still, you don’t want people standing around with a drink and nothing to munch on, so I generally make one of the following and put out chips and maybe a nut mixture or a simple cheese platter

Hot Cheesy Corn Dip

Roasted Scallion Dip

Easy Buttermilk Ranch Dip

Roasted Sweet Potato Salsa

Cowboy Caviar

Sweet ‘N Spicy Pretzel and Nut Mix

Perfect Party Nuts

SALAD

Do you/don’t you? We sometimes don’t, but we always regret it. I love salad, so does my daughter and my mom and others and I think it balances out all the rich, heavy food. I’ve got a bunch here on the blog, but the reality is that we will make our standby of mixed greens, craisins, some sort of chopped nuts, scallions, maybe a chopped up apple or two, freshly grated parm tossed with a homemade balsamic vinaigrette. But here are a couple of seasonal ones if you’re looking for something a bit different.

Autumn Salad with Apple Cider Vinaigrette

Autumn Salad with Maple Balsamic Vinaigrette

THE MAIN COURSE

Though I’ve reached quite an advanced age, I have yet to make a turkey on my own. That’s because my mom is a master at it. I know she seasons it the day before and fills it with apples and onion and then uses a cheesecloth basted in lots of butter—Ahhh, it’s stellar (as is her gravy) and I promise, promise to watch and document every step of the process this year, so that I can share it with you guys. Since we’re having a lot of people, she’ll probably do 1 big or 2 small turkeys and a turkey breast. I’ll keep you posted.

I know a lot of people serve lasagne or another sort of pasta (I never have) but I think this mac and cheese will be making an appearance. Certain people who haven’t been home in a long time are requesting it. Plus, I can make it ahead and heat it up on turkey day and any leftovers will most definitely not go to waste!

THE SIDES

This is what the people really want, right? As far as I’m concerned, you can never make enough stuffing and mashed potatoes! Lol! And we need them for leftovers!! Here’s what I’ll definitely be making:

My Mom’s Mashed Potatoes—nothing to it—just boil potatoes in salted water, mash them with a ridiculous amount of butter and keep warm in a pot over low heat so that little browned bits form on the bottom of the pot. To die for yummy!

Mom’s Sweet Potato Casserole yup, the marshmallow topped one—gotta have it!

Mom’s Cranberry Jello Mold Seeing a theme here? My mom is a great cook and everyone expects plenty of her classic dishes! She’ll probably make this for me and we’ll likely have two of them due to the size of the crowd and for leftovers.

Wild Mushroom and Brioche Stuffing This has become a new favorite of ours over the last few years, so much so that we have officially cut out the traditional Pepperidge Farm Herb variety. You can buy brioche but I would highly recommend making your own using this recipe. So easy and you can make it several days ahead. Totally worth it! I will triple this for sure!

Savory Butternut Squash Crumble Made this for the first time last year—it was a big hit so I’ll be including it again. Homemade Whole Berry Cranberry Sauce I think homemade is just so much better but some people like the jellied kind, so we’ll probably have both.

Butternut Squash Soup Another of my mom’s specialities. We never had soup on Thanksgiving when I was a kid, but lately we’ve been serving it in small mugs and and people look forward to it.

Some kind of green veggies—one of my sister makes the best string bean dish with lemon and garlic—I will definitely ask her for that.

And maybe I can convince someone else to bring these Roasted Brussels Sprouts with Sherry Vinaigrette or these Lemony Caramelized Roasted Brussels Sprouts because we’ve gotta be healthy, right? LOL!

Here’s what I’m contemplating because I love them, but I know that there has to be a limit and/or they only work for a small crowd:

Butternut Squash and Spinach Gratin A great vegetarian alternative.

Maple Roasted Parnsips

Auntie Mirrie’s Roast Potatoes If I could make mashed potatoes and these I would ‘cause they are so, so good but it might be tricky with oven space

Sweet Potato & Parsley Salad

Fork-Tined Potatoes

Smashed and Roasted Baked Potatoes

Orange and Yellow Potato Gratin

Spoon Bread Souffléso, so good but don’t make unless you are having a small group—it needs to be eaten right out of the oven and it will be too hard to coordinate with all the other dishes.

Holiday Green Bean Casserole with Crispy Shallots—just in case it’s not Thanksgiving for you without this iconic dish

BREADS

You don’t need a lot of variety here but I kinda think cornbread is a must. Some people I know prefer dinner rolls, so I included my two favs below.

Foolproof Parker House Rolls

One-Pan Buttermilk Dinner Rolls

DESSERTS

If you’ve spent any time around these pages at all, you know how intensely I love the after-the-main-meal offerings, so I’ve split them into categories. I will definitely be making a few pies (no pumpkin ‘cause no one in our crew is a big fan of it), but I always find it nice to have a bar or cookie or two for people who just want a little something and for keeping visitors happy throughout the holiday weekend. I also sometimes will make a simple cake which can double as a breakfast treat too, so I’ve included a few of those.

Pies

Definites

Pecan Pie or Maple Pecan Tart

Apple Crumb Pie or Cranberry-Apple Crumble Pie

Chocolate Caramel Tart—I made this for the first time last year and it was a huge hit.

I’ve also got my eye on something citrusy—will make and share if it’s good—it’ll balance out all the others nicely

Maybes

Triple Chocolate Cream Pie with Oreo Crust

Cranberry Brown Sugar Tart (just looked at the recipe and remembered how good this is, it might have to get added to “definites”, yikes!)

Mississippi Mud Ice Cream Pie-you can’t beat the make-ahead-ability of an ice cream pie!

Bars, Cookies

All these are maybes—I’ll probably change my mind a dozen times before the big day and if my kids make a request, all bets are off!

Luscious Lemon Shortbread Bars

Pumpkin Silk Bars—I hate pumpkin pie but these are yummy!

Supernatural Brownies

Chocolate Chocolate Chip Espresso Cookies—I’m always looking for an excuse to make these and I need a large crowd around to help eat them up cause I can’t resist!

Jammy Butterballs

Easy Lemon-Almond Biscotti

British Wheatmeal Cookies

Cakes

I always like to have one simple, every-day cake around for the holiday weekend, so it’ll probably be one of these

Olive Oil Lemon Bundt Cake

Cranberry Lemon Bundt Cake

Cranberry Maple Pudding Cake

Coconut Tea Cake

Bishop’s Cake

Caramel Apple Cake

That’s about it for now. Hope this doesn’t overwhelm you. For me, seeing it all on one page, calms me down and makes it more manageable. Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing some new recipes that I think would be great for the holiday too and of course, I’d love to have you share any of your favorite recipes/traditions/advice, so keep ‘em coming. Have a great rest of the weekend and here’s to the kickoff of a wonderful holiday season!!xoxo

[anachef]

These Restaurant Chains Are Serving up Easter Deals and More

Acapulco will offer a special Champagne Easter Brunch All-You-Can-Eat Brunch on Sunday, April 21, 2019, from 8am – 2pm. The 6-hour long feast will feature a Ham and Tri-Tip Carving Station, Omelette Bar, Waffle Station, Taco Bar, Hot Specialty Items, Seafood Station, Traditional Menudo, Salads, Fresh Fruit, Desserts, Aguas Frescas, Bottomless Mimosas and More.

Arooga’s Grille House & Sports Bar is offering Moms free eats all day at all its participating locations on Easter Sunday, April 21, 2019 (offer excludes Uncasville, CT, Shelton, CT, Warwick, RI, Attleboro, MA, Allentown, Pa and East Brunswick, NJ locations). Arooga’s “Moms Eat Free” promotion is dine-in only, and with purchase of equal or greater value. Lesser value item is discounted, and offer does not include a beverage.

Bill Miller Bar-B-Q is offering a Honey Glazed Ham, 7-10 Pounds, for $55.99.

Bob Evans will be open on Easter during their normal hours of operation for families looking to dine in. They will offer brunch menu items all day featuring guest favorites, such as the Fruitful Farmer and the Border Scramble Omelet. Bob Evans also will offer a special Easter meal in all restaurants on Sunday, April 21. For $14.99, guests can enjoy hickory-smoked ham, slow-roasted turkey & dressing, choice of two sides, and freshly-baked bread. In addition, guests can enjoy the holiday, hassle-free, by enjoying a complete meal at home with a Farmhouse Feast. The Premium Farmhouse Feast is packed cold and comes complete with both a slow-roasted whole boneless turkey breast and sliced hickory-smoked ham, bread and celery dressing, homestyle mashed potatoes, buttered sweet corn, green beans with ham, cranberry relish, gravy, dozen rolls, macaroni and cheese, a whole apple pie, a strawberry supreme pie, and a loaf of banana nut bread. This meal can feed a family of 10 for only $114.99.

Boston Market – For $119.99, families can enjoy a Heat & Serve Easter Meal for 12 that features a spiral-sliced ham or either a boneless honey-glazed ham or boneless roasted turkey breast (or a combination of both). Each meal also include an array of home style sides such as mashed potatoes and gravy, creamed spinach, cinnamon apples or sweet potato casserole, plus fresh-baked cornbread and two apple pies. All Easter Heat & Serve Meals can be picked up chilled in restaurants nationwide April 19 through April 21, then taken home to heat and serve while supplies last. The Boston Market Easter menu also includes: Heat & Serve Meals for 4 or 6 ($69.99); a Feast for Three ($34.99); A La Carte: chilled, fully cooked main dishes, individual sides or desserts, which can be picked up in restaurant between April 19 and April 21; and Individual Easter Meals ($12.99).

Brann’s Steakhouse & Sports Grille will be open from 11am until 8pm. Combos $17.99. Easter Sunday Kids Meals $1.50 all day (excludes steak). Margaritas, $2.99.

Chevys Fresh Mex will offer a special Easter Brunch on Sunday, April 21, 2019, from 8am to 3pm. Chevys Easter Brunch includes delicious items such as Huevos Rancheros ($10.99), Farmers’ Market Omelette ($11.99), Steak A La Diabla & Eggs ($15.99), Shrimp & Crab Omelette ($13.99), Churro Pancakes ($11.99), ABC Omelette ($10.99), Chilaquiles ($10.99) and more. Easter Brunch will also feature Bottomless Mix & Match Mimosas & Marys for $12 per person (Bottomless drinks are not available at Arlington, VA location). Easter Brunch not available at the following franchise locations: NJ, MO, MN, SD, IL, Miami, Annapolis, Brandywine, and Hanover.

Cracker Barrel Old Country Store‘s Heat n’ Serve Easter Family Meal To-Go makes cooking your own Easter dinner at home easier than ever. Just order online and pick up ahead of time to get a meal that’s simple to prepare in your own kitchen in 3 hours or less. Or Take home their family-sized Easter dinner with all the fixin’s – you just heat n’ serve. From your oven to table in 3 hours or less. Serves up to 10. The Family Meal To-Go comes with Spiral Sliced Ham, Mashed Potatoes, Roasted Gravy, Sweet Yeast Rolls, Choice of 3 country sides (each serves up to 10), and two of their new Buttermilk Pies (while supplies last). Choose Three Country Sides: Whole Baby Carrots, Country Green Beans, Fried Apples, Hashbrown Casserole, Cornbread Dressing, Macaroni n’ Cheese, Sweet Potato Casserole, and Whole Kernel Corn.

Duffy’s Sports Grill is offering a complete 3-course meal with all the fixin’s. Featuring choice of salad, entree, and dessert. Plus, enjoy a signature Peeptini. Roasted Turkey Breast ($13.95), Roasted Pork Loin ($15.95) or 10oz Prime Rib ($20.95). Regular menu & 14oz. Prime Rib also available.

El Torito will offer a special Champagne Easter Brunch on Sunday, April 21, 2019, from 8am – 2pm. This special 6-hour long brunch offering will feature a Ham and Tri-Tip Carving Station, Made-To-Order Omelettes, Waffle Station, Taco Bar, Hot Specialty Items, Seafood Station, Traditional Soups, Salads, Fresh Fruit, Desserts, Bottomless Mimosas and More. Pricing for this Easter buffet varies by location.

Fatz Cafe is offering Heat & Serve Easter family meals (requires advanced scheduling through your local Fatz). Ham Feast serves 10-12 for $99.99. Includes Sweet Tea Glazed Ham, Sweet Tea Glaze for basting, Macaroni & Cheese (1 pan), Sautéed Green Beans (1 pan), 1 dozen Deviled Eggs, 1 dozen Poppy Seed Rolls. Turkey Feast serves 10-12 for $99.99. Includes Turkey Breast (Roasted or Fried) or Fried Whole Turkey, , giblet gravy with choice of rice or red-skinned mashed potatoes (2 quarts each), Cornbread Dressing (1 pan), Sautéed Green Beans (1 pan), 1 dozen Poppy Seed Rolls. Build Your Own Feast options also available.

Fleming’s Prime Steakhouse & Wine Bar will open early at 10am on Easter Sunday, April 21st for a three-course Easter Brunch. Starter: Caesar Salad or Lobster Bisque. Entrees include Fleming’s Signature Eggs Benedict with choice of Sliced Filet Mignon & Hollandaise, Crab Cake & tomato Hollandaise or Surf & Turf; Spring Vegetable Quiche; Steak & Spring Vegetable Quiche; Brioche French Toast or Salmon Cobb Salad. Sides to share include Lyonnaise Potatoes and Fresh Roasted Asparagus. Children’s three-course menu also available.

Furr’s Fresh Buffet – Enjoy an Easter Family Pack To Go that includes 2½ lbs Boneless Sliced Turkey Breast, 2½ lbs Boneless Sliced Smoked Pit Ham, 2 qts Holiday Dressing, 2 qts Homestyle Macaroni & Cheese, 2 qts Country-Style Green Beans, 2 qts Mashed Potatoes, 1 qt Turkey Gravy, 1 qt Cranberry Sauce, 1 dz Freshly Baked Dinner Rolls, 1 Pecan Pie, and 1 Pumpkin Pie for just $89.99. Easter Family Packs To Go may be ordered through Friday, April 19, 2019.

Green Mill Restaurant and Bar – Hop on in to Easter Brunch for exclusive dishes that you will only find at Green Mill along with everyone’s classic brunch favorites – all prepared to perfection. Brunch menu includes pizza, bacon, breakfast pizza, cheddar ranch biscuits, chef carved prime rib, four-cheese scrambled eggs, macaroni and cheese, pecan craisin salad and muc more.

HomeTown Buffet – Enjoy an Easter Family Pack To Go that includes 2½ lbs Boneless Sliced Turkey Breast, 2½ lbs Boneless Sliced Smoked Pit Ham, 2 qts Holiday Dressing, 2 qts Homestyle Macaroni & Cheese, 2 qts Country-Style Green Beans, 2 qts Mashed Potatoes, 1 qt Turkey Gravy, 1 qt Cranberry Sauce, 1 dz Freshly Baked Dinner Rolls, 1 Pecan Pie, and 1 Pumpkin Pie for just $89.99. Easter Family Packs To Go may be ordered through Friday, April 19, 2019.

Krispy Kreme is hopping into spring with a seasonal doughnut collection. Available for a limited time at participating Krispy Kreme shops across the U.S., the collection includes the Bunny Doughnut, the Chick Doughnut, and the Decorated Egg Doughnut.

Legal Sea Foods will be open at select locations serving their regular menu along with special holiday features.

Logan’s Roadhouse is feeding kids free April 20th and 21st with this coupon.

Marie Callender’s offers Easter Take-Home Feasts: The Turkey Breast Feast, for $109.99, includes Roasted Turkey Breast, Apple-Sage Stuffing, Cranberry Sauce, Fresh Mashed Potatoes, Five Cheese Macaroni Casserole, Chef’s Vegetables, Turkey Gravy, Fresh Baked Cornbread, Whole Pumpkin or Apple Pie, and Marie’s Special Blend Coffee. Serves 4-6. The Ham Feast, for $119.99, includes Bone-in Spiral Cut Quarter Ham topped with chipotle-pineapple glaze topping, Fresh Mashed Potatoes, Five Cheese Macaroni Casserole, Chef’s Vegetables, Almond Coleslaw, Turkey Gravy, Fresh Baked Cornbread, Whole Pumpkin or Apple Pie, and Marie’s Special Blend Coffee. Serves 4-6. The Ham and Turkey Breast Feast, for $149.99, includes Roasted Turkey Breast, Bone-in Spiral Cut Quarter Ham with chipotle-pineapple glaze topping, Apple-Sage Stuffing, Cranberry Sauce, Fresh Mashed Potatoes, Five Cheese Macaroni Casserole, Chef’s Vegetables, Almond Coleslaw, Fresh Baked Cornbread, Whole Pumpkin or Apple Pie, and Marie’s Special Blend Coffee. Serves 6-8. Additional sides are also available.

McGrath’s Fish House offers a 4 course Easter Ham Feast for $14.95 or choose from five other options to make a four course dinner for $16.95. Children $3.95-$6.95. Sunday, April 21st.

Mimi’s – Three-course meal starting at $19.99 for adults and $10.99 for kids. Adult Three-Course Feast includes choice of Hickory Smoked Ham, Slow-Roasted Turkey, Creamy Cheese & Bacon Penne with Chicken or Grilled Atlantic Salmon entrée. Begin with salad or soup, served with choice of dessert including Triple Berry Crumble, Molten Lava Cake or Apple Pie a la Mode. Kids Three-Course Feast includes choice of Hickory Smoked Ham, Slow-Roasted Turkey or Creamy Cheese & Bacon Penne with Chicken entrée. Begin with salad or soup, served with choice of dessert including scoop of Vanilla Ice Cream with Chocolate or Strawberry syrup.

Morton’s The Steakhouse will be serving a delicious Steak & Lobster for $59 on Easter Sunday at participating locations.

Ninety Nine Restaurant & Pub‘s Easter Feast runs April 20th through the 21st. Lobster Bisque – Rich, creamy and full of flavor. Made with real lobster meat and a hint of sherry. Cup $5.39, Crock $6.49. 8 oz New York Sirloin Steak & Lobster Casserole – A North Atlantic lobster pie topped with lemon butter sauce and seasoned crumbs is paired with a perfectly seasoned 8 oz. New York Sirloin steak. Served with one side. $17.99. Prime Rib – Tender prime rib crusted with a special blend of seasonings and slow roasted for hours. Sliced to order and served in its natural juices with a side of creamy horseradish sauce. Served with two sides: Bistro Salad, potato or vegetable. 12 oz. $17.59 or 18 oz. $21.59. Baked Chocolate Chip Cookie Skillet – Indulge your sweet tooth with a warm and gooey New England classic. A fresh skillet-baked chocolate chip cookie topped with Gifford’s of Maine creamy vanilla bean ice cream and a drizzle of chocolate sauce. $5.99.

Old Country Buffet -Enjoy an Easter Family Pack To Go that includes 2½ lbs Boneless Sliced Turkey Breast, 2½ lbs Boneless Sliced Smoked Pit Ham, 2 qts Holiday Dressing, 2 qts Homestyle Macaroni & Cheese, 2 qts Country-Style Green Beans, 2 qts Mashed Potatoes, 1 qt Turkey Gravy, 1 qt Cranberry Sauce, 1 dz Freshly Baked Dinner Rolls, 1 Pecan Pie, and 1 Pumpkin Pie for just $89.99. Easter Family Packs To Go may be ordered through Friday, April 19, 2019.

RAM Restaurant & Brewery’s Easter Steak Dinner is a center-cut, half-pound Harris Ranch Sirloin steak served with seasonal vegetables and cheddar mashed potatoes for just $16.99.

Romano’s Macaroni Grill is serving a special Easter Brunch. Selections include Carmel Apple + Walnut French Toast (14), French Toast (14), Avocado Toast (15), Breakfast BLT (14.5), Italian Sausage + Pepper Hash (14), Porchetta Hash (15), Italian Biscuits + Gravy (13), Eggs Benedict (15), and Breakfast Americano (13).

Ruth’s Chris Steak House will open early on Sunday, April 21. Bring your family and friends and celebrate with their new Spring Classics Menu. Starting at $45.95, it features a 3-course meal with decadent dishes like Blackened Scallops served over jambalaya risotto and Blueberry Crumb Cheesecake.

Ryan’s – Enjoy an Easter Family Pack To Go that includes 2½ lbs Boneless Sliced Turkey Breast, 2½ lbs Boneless Sliced Smoked Pit Ham, 2 qts Holiday Dressing, 2 qts Homestyle Macaroni & Cheese, 2 qts Country-Style Green Beans, 2 qts Mashed Potatoes, 1 qt Turkey Gravy, 1 qt Cranberry Sauce, 1 dz Freshly Baked Dinner Rolls, 1 Pecan Pie, and 1 Pumpkin Pie for just $89.99. Easter Family Packs To Go may be ordered through Friday, April 19, 2019.

Seasons 52‘s 3 Course Easter Brunch is $29.95 and is available Sunday, April 21st from 10am until 2 pm. Starters include Split Pea and Kale Soup, Black Bean and Bacon Soup, Field Greens Salad, Romaine and Kale Caesar Salad, Spinach or Strawberry Salad and Greek Yogurt with Strawberries and Almond Granola. Mains include Prime Steak and Eggs, Grilled Lobster, Upright French Toast, Wood-Grilled Sea Scallops or Brick-Oven Roasted Cornish Hen. Top it off with some Strawberry Rhubarb Cheesecake.

Shoney’s All You Care To Eat Easter Fresh Food Bar will include freshly-prepared favorites such as Coconut Shrimp, Shoney’s signature Southern Crispy Chicken, Roast Beef, Sliced Ham with Apples, Squash Casserole, Green Beans with Peppers, Mashed Potatoes, Sweet Potato Casserole, Corn, Macaroni & Cheese, one of our bottomless beverages, delicious Peach Cobbler and much more! Starting at $14.99 at participating restaurants.

Soulman’s Bar-B-Que – Popular full family meals can be combined and stacked for any size family gathering. The Chuck Wagon (Feeds 2-3) $24.99 includes one pound of meat, two 16 oz. sides, Texas toast or buns and Bar-b-que sauce. The Super Chuck Wagon (Feeds 4-6) $46.99 includes two pounds of meat, four 16 oz. sides, Texas toast or buns, Bar-b-que sauce. The BBQ Party Pack (minimum of 10 people, starting at $12.49 per person) includes choice of 2 meats, choice of 3 veggies, Bar-B-Que sauce, Texas toast or buns, Relish tray, and Sweet or Unsweetened Tea. Meats options include Beef Brisket, Sausage, Hot Links, Pulled Pork, Turkey, Ham, Chicken, Ribs. Veggie options include Potato Salad, Cole Slaw, Pinto Beans, Ranch House Beans, Mashed Potatoes & Gravy (at participating locations), Green Beans, Spicy Cream Corn, Mac n Cheese, Spicy Potatoes.

Sullivan’s Steakhouse – Join Sullivan’s for a special Easter celebration, complete with a three-course $45 prix fixe menu. Enjoy a 12 oz. Hand-Carved Prime Rib and a Roasted Rack of Lamb. Enhance your steak with Sullivan’s signature butters or try it Oscar Style. Make your reservation for April 21 now.

The Cheesecake Factory is delivering delicious treats this week in celebration of spring. Now through Easter Sunday, April 21, guests will be treated to one complimentary slice of The Cheesecake Factory’s famous Reese’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake Cheesecake or Hershey’s Chocolate Bar Cheesecake with their Cheesecake Factory delivery order of $30 or more through DoorDash by using promo code “SPRINGTREAT” at checkout.

source http://www.restaurantnews.com/these-restaurant-chains-are-serving-up-easter-deals-and-more-041719/

[puzzled-pegasus]

Demigods as John Mulaney Quotes bc I apparently didn't do this years ago

Percy

“Sometimes I get nervous on airplanes.”

“Why do people always shush animals?”

“And then my mom said, ‘I made a salad with Craisins!’ And the conversation ended.’”

“In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.”

“You want it? Go get it!”

Annabeth

“Street smarts!”

“Uhm, does anyone have a laptop charger I could borrow…?”

“It's tomorrow now.”

Jason

“But you saw what they were doing to Tyler, and yet you did nothing?”

“Ah yes, the title of alpha—-which I once had—-how can I reclaim it?”

“And what a mighty king I will be, eating dinner at 4:45 in the afternoon.”

“I always try to be really polite in life, so like if I had amnesia, you'd never know it. I'd wake up and they'd be like ‘Hi [Jason], we're so happy you're awake.’ And I'd just be like, ‘Oh, hey, man, how's it going?’"

Piper

“Yeah, you can make fun of me. Just don't say that I’m a bitch and that you don't like me.” *cue intense confusion from Jason*

“No, that's the thing I’m sensitive about!”

Hazel

*takes a breath* “Oh god, it's the old times.”

“First off, no.”

“Thirteen year olds are the meanest people in the world.”

“You know when you're twelve, when you're like ‘no one look at me or I’ll kill myself!’”

Frank

“I don't know what my body is for, other than just taking my head from room to room,”

“My vibe is more like ‘hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I'll probably apologize to you!’”

“I wasn't offended as a boy being mistaken for a lady, I was offended, as a lady, who was getting pushed around by this chauvinist asshole—-who works at bLOckBuSteR ViDeo—-who was talking to me like I’m some floozy! I am a proud Asian American woman, and you will treat me with respect!”

Leo

“Because it's the one thing you can't replace.”

“And I said ‘no.’ You know, like a liar.”

“SCATTER!”

“This is an on-fire garbage can…could be a nursery.”

Nico

“You ever seen a ghost?”

“Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay…”

*imitating an old gay man* “you want me to do what?”

“McDonald’s! McDonald’s! McDonald’s!”

“He could look at a child and guess the price of their coffin.”

Will

“Pff, you’re not gonna faint!”

“Take your goddamn Epipen, and geT OUT!”

Reyna

“You can do whatever you want forever!”

“Brush your teeth! Now, BOOM, orange juice! That's life.”

[puzzled-pegasus]

Random but I was watching some John Mulaney videos and wondered which ones you best think fit the Finches?

I swear a lot of them could probably fit Gus lol.

I actually made a post a while back for this! It was a long time ago though and you probably don't have time to scroll through my blog looking for it lol so here, I'll paste it again for you. :)

Edith:

"And then my mom said, 'I made a salad with Craisins! And the conversation ended."

"I am very small. And I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under."

Milton

"I always expected to be dead in a trunk with my hand hanging out the tail light by now!"

"Oh and what a mighty king I will be, eating dinner at 4:45 in the afternoon!"

"My lands stretch across this entire one bedroom!"

Lewis

"I'm probably gay based on the way I act and behave and…I've walked and talked for [21] years."

"Arrrgh…you know, life."

"I used to drink but then I drank too much and I had to stop."

Dawn

"One black coffee"

"Okay so, when you get kidnapped--not if, when– "

"The bread of bread is bread…"

Gus

"You know when you're twelve, when you're like 'no one look at me or I'll kill myself!"

"Thirteen year olds are the meanest people in the world."

Gregory

"One feels like a duck splashing around in all this wet! And when one feels like a duck, one is happy!"

Kay (bonus)

"This is an on-fire garbage can….could be a nursery."

Sam

"None of us really know our fathers."

"Is he nice? NOOOO!"

"Brush your teeth! Now, BOOM, orange juice--that's life."

Calvin

"I always thought that uh, quicksand, was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be."

"Tonight Is The Night, and How We Only Have Tonight."

Walter

"My vibe is more like 'hey, you could pour soup in my lap and I'll probably apologize to you!"

"Think about that for ten seconds and tell me you don't want to walk into the ocean."

"I look like I was just sitting in a room on a chair eating saltines for like, 28 years."

"I didn't drink water the ENTIRE time."

Barbara

"Do My Friends Hate Me, Or Do I Just Need To Go To Sleep?"

*wacks hookman killer in the head with the crutch* "Now I've thrown him off his rhythm!"

Molly

"McDonald's! McDonald's! McDonald's!"

"Was there ever even a ghost, mother, or was the little girl you saw just mE all along??"

"My parents loved us, they just didn't like us."

Edie

"You have the moral backbone of a chocolate eclair."

"Beat it, bozo!"

Sven

"My wife is a b**ch and I like her SO. Much."

"I just like old fashioned things."