#your child shouldn’t have to support you emotionally and carry your baggage!

[raceydays-hopelesshaze]

Throughout the show Dean says how hunters don’t have childhoods and sure, you can’t really be a child while constantly on the road hunting monsters, but JOHN took away his childhood more than any monster did.

[alwaysabeautifullife]

I really need advice. My mom has a lot of trauma and emotional baggage that she puts on to me. She drinks and smokes religiously (I think that’s we’re half of my dads child support money goes). She yells and curses at me for anything, to the point were I have to text my dad and ask if what I did was really that bad or if mom is just putting her stress out on me, and she just refuses to let me talk, despite promising my dad that she would. I have the ability to move in with my dad, 1/2

“1/2 but I don’t, because if I’m gone, who does my mom have? My mom babied me as a young child, then realized her mistake and treats me poorly in order to “make me tougher.” It just messes with my head and stresses me out. Any non religious advice to help cope? Sorry if this is poorly written I’m tired”

(Sorry un advance this is so long, I’ve been writing this for like 3 days)

When I was between 9-11 my mom and I were really into watching shows on Lifetime and like murder mysteries (or aliens). In those days Lifetime had a lot of crime or abuse stories. At the end of the investigation or whatever, they would conclude that the killer/abuser did all these horrific things because of the “abuse he suffered as a child”. My mom would always shoot up from her chair and leave the room muttering how it was “bullshit”, that people abuse kids, or murder or whatever because they were abused as a child themselves. I didn’t really get why she had that reaction until I got older and I learned more about my family secrets and my moms childhood.

My mom suffered abuse that was so disgustingly horrible, I have yet today heard or read about abuse as bad as what she suffered from. In fact, I have actual ptsd symptoms related to listening to my mom tell me a few of the things that happened to her as a kid, in addition to carrying extreme guilt about the things my relatives have done related to crimes. She was angry all those times because having a difficult past, is never an excuse to do bad things. Ever. My mom was really far from a perfect mom, but even when she was an addict we were well cared for. We had a clean house, clean clothes, we were tucked in bed and read to every night, we had vacations like everyone else, sometimes my mom would be in her room for several hours while my brother and I played like normal kids.

Eventually as my mom addiction got worse (we didn’t even notice), she sent us to live with our Dad. Unfortunately our lives were not good with my dad, but no body expected that, not my brother and I or our mom. She was doing what she thought was best for us, despite what she suffered from as a child, as an adult, and an addiction. She never used her life, her pain as an excuse to harm us. Even though my mom is an addict (clean for many many years), I still see her as a very very strong person, probably the strongest person I’ve ever known.

One thing we always try to do, especially for people we love, is understand why they hurt us. We make excuses for them. We say “they hurt us because they are hurt, they are stressed,”. We write their excuses. This isn’t our responsibility, and no excuse, no reason to hurt someone is ever a valid reason. Wrong is wrong. We can still love someone and protect ourselves. We can still love someone and do what’s best for us.

You have to realize, even though you love your mom, you are not responsible for her pain, or her healing. You also have to realize that even though you love her, what she is doing is wrong, no matter how good of a person she is, or no matter all the good things she does in between of the bad, or before the bad.

I know you’re young, I’m going to just assume you’re maybe in high school? But I want you to imagine your best friend in a situation as an adult, the same situation, but instead of your friends mother, it’s your friends boyfriend or husband. He comes home and screams at her because he “had a stressful day”, she tells you that she doesn’t want to leave him because she’s all he has. That is your situation now, but with your mom. It’s hard to hear, but it is abuse. And I don’t want you to grow up and you find yourself in a similar situation in your future with a man or woman you are dating.

As a parent, my children’s wellness is more important than my own, in anyway. I want my children to do what is physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually healthy for them no matter how much it hurts me. I don’t want them to look out for me, I want to look out for them. And as children, teens, I want them to not worry about my problems or my pain because I want them to enjoy their childhood/teenhood. I want them to live.

You know, sometimes I argue with my teens, sometimes I’m in a bad mood because of private things in my life they don’t know about, and i have snapped at them for no good reason. That night I agonize over it, and I always make a point to explain to them that it was wrong and I’m sorry. They tell me “mom it’s fine, I know you were having a bad day,” and I always look them in the eyes seriously and tell them “no, it’s not ok for me, an adult to take out any stress or pain on you, and I don’t ever ever want you to accept that treatment from anybody or give that treatment to anyone else.”

If you stay with your mom, because you feel responsible for her, many of your choices that are vital in your life like school, work, etc with revolve and be put off for your mom when it shouldn’t be. You are responsible for your life, your happiness and wellness, never your moms. Your mom is an adult and her choices are her own, including the choice to allow stress or pain to ruin her day or her life, and the choice to let it affect you.

As far as coping if you still live with your mom because maybe there are many reasons why you feel like you have to, most importantly you can’t blame yourself. After just reading your message I highly doubt being loved and cared for or “babied” is going to spoil you, despite what your mom thinks. You are a genuinely caring and considerate person, you put a lot of time into thinking about your situation, you have a sense of responsibility and seek understanding. These aren’t the qualities of a spoiled person, or bad person.

It’s hard to cope in your situation because right now you’re probably living your life walking on eggshells around your mom, trying not to trigger her anger, trying not to make any mistake or do anything wrong because it will be blown out of proportion and her reaction will be explosive. You probably spend more energy into tip-toeing around her than you get to with caring for yourself, school, your friends, your relationships, your hobbies. And that’s really not fair, and it’s not right.

I want to tell you that I do not believe that your mom is a bad or evil person. She’s just a person. People make mistakes, and these people have a responsibility to correct them, not make habits out of them. Even though she is not a bad or evil person, her bad actions should never be excused away or dismissed.

I want to encourage you to tell your mom how you feel but I honestly do not know if that is safe for you to do. I also don’t know if it will make it worse, or if you have already done that. I do recommend you telling your dad, because as an adult, your dad, he has more responsibility to fix this situation than you do. If it is possible to speak to your parents at the same time, your dad leading the way, this would be the best but once again this could become more a hostile situation, so I say this cautiously, with you being the only person that can determine if this is safe and possible.

If you are able to reach the point that your mom understands what she is doing as wrong and asks for forgiveness, trust her patterns of actions rather then apologies. If she says sorry and does it again and this cycle goes on and on, she is not sorry and she is not making a true effort to stop. Always keep this in mind for anyone’s behavior in the future. Trust patterns, not apologies. That’s a really unfortunate truth for people who find themselves in abusive situations, it shouldn’t be like that, but it is.

It’s important for you to know that in all relationships you must form boundaries. Love has boundaries. It’s important to have them with everyone, especially your closest relationships. Even if it would be difficult to implement them with your mom, I really really suggest you thinking and writing down (even just on your phone) boundaries and rules you want with your mom. An important one as an example would be no yelling (from anyone, you, your mom, your dad), and maybe the expectation that your mom needs to quietly listen to your concerns, or maybe that your mom needs to have more positive affection (like quality time, or maybe positive expressions verbally, physically, or in actions). I think if you think about all the ways you want to form boundaries and expectations with the relationship with your mom it will make it easier to n voice your concerns to either your mom, your dad, or to another adult, and will prepare you for future healthy relationships.

Sometimes, in extreme situations you can both love someone and temporarily stop the relationship, or have a relationship that’s through phone, text, email, or public outings only. Some relationships must be stopped all together. I definitely do not think this is the case, but I want you to know for your future, especially when you are an adult that this situation may come up many times and you will likely need to do this.

I hope that something I said helps, I only spoke from experience myself in similar situations and as a parent. Please stay safe and take care of yourself!

[addieclo]

I have been on this website for ten years, give or take. Ten years on what we all jokingly call our emotional support hellsite and honestly this has been the only platform I have felt to be the safest place to be my raw, authentic and gritty self. The good, the bad, and the ugly. And I’m not in a self deprecating mindset nor am I in a depressed episode filled of anxiety. I’m just coming to this realization that nowhere else online have I felt like I could post my deepest, darkest thoughts without feeling like I was gonna face repercussions. From my mother, from friends, from other family members and it’s not like I can’t turn to a few individuals here and there in real life because I know I can.

But sometimes this has been the space I’ve expressed thoughts of wanting death and of deep sadness and didn’t have to hear a lecture from my mom about how things aren’t that bad or I shouldn’t post those things. And maybe I shouldn’t online in the past but here’s the thing I have never felt safe anywhere emotionally enough to express myself. Not once growing up did I feel like I could. My dad had a breakdown when I was a child. I grew up watching out my stressed out mother take care of my older brother through all his medical shit and had to listen to her as she broke down to me about her life. For all the terrible things she endured and at no point did I feel like I could have the same in return. I had to be the golden child, the savior child. The one who healed by listening and I had to be the pillar of strength for her and my dad. And as I got older I carried that into my friendships, that the very people I once could read so well would come to me for everything and I felt like if I lost that strength who would they have. I felt like Elsa. Conceal don’t feel. Don’t let them know.

And not one of them noticed I was in pain. And I know I’m reserved and I exude confidence when I feel like it but I look back at all my old posts and I’m like you really did feel alone. And I hated it then. I hated that I couldn’t feel like I had anyone I could really turn to, to talk to. I didn’t want to feel judged or admonished for my feelings and anxious thoughts. But all I knew from my own mother was that. In junior high leading into high school I had a MySpace page where I would sometimes post my thoughts on the blog side of things and my aunt saw and reported to my mother rather than council me. To let me know I could trust her and instead I was lectured by my mother the very things I said above of things aren’t that bad. But they really were for a young girl who saw her father break down when she was only eight years old and had to learn very quickly to understand what was going on.

It was very hard for the thirteen year old to come to terms of a boy assaulting her by almost drowning her in pool after she turned him down. And who reflected thoughts of death at that young of an age because she was tired and worn out already after witnessing violence and aggression from years earlier. And while yes I shouldn’t have posted certain things at the time at fourteen I needed an adult to let me speak my mind and give me a safe space to let things put. But I didn’t have that then and I barely found it at twenty three with a manager who helped me learn that it’s okay to talk. It’s okay to speak about your problems and your life.

If it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t know how I would’ve made it through that time all those years ago. But aside from her I only have a few other friends I know I can turn to for emotional support but not many else. I don’t blame my family as I know there’s a lot of healing that needs to be done amongst themselves. I’ve been working through my own this past year before I turned twenty nine. And I’m still releasing things. And a lot of it has been because of this site. The posts I used to come across that talked about anxiety or about depression. The posts that were about releasing emotional baggage. In small doses those posts helped me through so much in my twenties that as time has gone on I look back and come across old stuff and I’m like wow.

Some of it I pat myself and go “there there Addie” to comfort the old me. And some of it I laugh a little cause it’s like you really went through it didn’t you. And if I could delete all my other socials because I just feel tired of the negativity I would but I know that would freak some friends out. So for now I won’t. But honestly I rather have time to read a book and escape from the outside hell that is going on in this planet and make time to join things that interest me to meet like minded individuals who are also on a healing path and going through a spiritual awakening. Because I rather be around individuals who I can breakdown in front of and know I’m being held up in those moments of weakness and heartbreak. Who will be my pillar of strength when I’m not feeling strong. I’ve held it in far too long and it no longer serves me to live that way.

This site has been the starting point as like a personal journal but also actual supportive site with others who post or reblog content to share or who actively reached out and actually checked up on me from time to time. And for those who did thank you. Even if I never speak to you again you really helped a soul feel cared for at times I felt like if I disappeared no one would really notice. Or maybe two would but everyone else would carry on. But those moments when people did, have reminded me that those past thoughts weren’t true. They were intrusive thoughts. And gorgeous gorgeous girls don’t give in to intrusive thoughts. I know this now. I know I am loved and I am worthy of love. And while I don’t have a big following on this blog and I haven’t always gotten those messages of someone checking up on me this site as much of as hellsite it is really is supportive and I am grateful.

[boricuagoddess79]

I am not exactly sure when the negative stigma of being a single mother started. It seems to me that the only honorable way to go through this unscathed is to be a widow. I look at examples in the bible, women were married off, stories in history where women were bashed, I read comments from keyboard warriors and articles about how we are the demise of society. If you become a single mother from some type of tragic accident, you become strong and people feel compassion for you. Otherwise you are a careless, Jezebel, harlot with no morals or values and we get painted as husband stealing, half assing, horrible people. Someone literally has to die for me to be OK as a single mother. Let that sink in. I remember being young and watching something on the news about Dan Quayle slamming a character on TV named Murphy Brown because she had chosen to become a single mother and I couldn’t understand why people were so upset. I was about 8 or 9 so, there wasn’t much to understand honestly. My own mother had become pregnant with me at 17 and her and my father were hastily married a month later. Granted they just celebrated their 38th wedding anniversary yesterday, but in 1979 had she chosen to go it alone, i imagine that she would have been branded with a Scarlet letter across her chest. In 2004, when i became pregnant, i also received side-eye glances and was shunned by people i thought where my friends. Some people at church wouldn’t speak to me and it baffled me then. I was still the same person they liked yesterday. I was still kind and smart and loving. I wasn’t damaged. But religiously it showed that i was weak, that I gave into the flesh. I thought that was the most absurd thing to hear. I could have easily gotten an abortion and they would have never known. They could have continued to love me being none the wiser. But it was when i decided to carry this amazing life into this world that i received the most backlash from strangers and people. Meanwhile, there were revered people in the church beating their wives, having affairs, snorting cocaine before a sermon, but no one was talking about that, because that “sin” was in secret, mine was on the outside, growing stronger and healthier by the minute. I refused to be shamed or hang my head low. I made my choice and i moved on, leaving behind toxic people who i realized at that moment were never my friends to begin with.

Fast forward to 12 years later and as you know my kid is my world, my everything. I work, sleep, eat and breath to make anything possible for him. Our life is full of love and wonder and magic at times. People still look at me crazy, wondering what I’m up to and why I haven’t gotten married yet. As women we are summed up by the value of a man in our lives. It’s no wonder we suffer from self-esteem issues and feel worthless at times. We get reminded daily that we have “baggage” that we are “baggage”. There aren’t many men who want to step up and help raise another mans child. Those that do are saints. They should be elevated to sainthood, because you looked past the stigma and you saw love and a family and you wanted that so badly for yourself. Kudos to you.

It’s no secret that my ex and I have had our shares of major downs with a few ups sprinkled in between. For those that aren’t familiar ill summarize: Gas-lighting, emotional verbally abusive person who would try to break me down daily until i finally left.

Its been almost 4 years now, in that time I managed to buy my son and I a house, i paid off my car, i moved him to an excellent school district. He plays sports, plays in the band at school, he has sleepovers, we have a dog and a cat, friends and family who love us and life for the most part is good. The area that is lacking to be perfectly honest is that his father, although living just 5 miles away is mainly absent by choice. Only showing up when its convenient, often going “missing” for weeks at a time. It has taken a toll on our son emotionally and is one of the causes of his depression. It is something i cannot fix. All these years i have been solely responsible for him financially and physically. His father at times has helped, but only if i begged and pleaded. So sometimes we went without because i didn’t have it in me to humiliate myself again. My parents and friends have stepped in to help with groceries or bills or lunch money when i was in dire straits. I have applied for scholarships for him to play sports and gotten creative with couponing and grocery shopping etc. I have made payment plans with doctors and schools just so he doesn’t have to feel like “the kid of a single mom”  I don’t qualify for financial assistance because apparently the government thinks I’m rich, and that’s OK. He has no idea, my son that financial sacrifices that are made and i don’t want him to feel bad about it. The home i bought us sits in a multi million dollar neighborhood, i bought it at a foreclosure for $150,000. So he plays with wealthy children and gets that great education and he doesn’t know that if not for that wonderful fortune of events, we could never afford a house so nice in a nice neighborhood.

A couple of years ago after struggling to pay for after care at school and stressed about having to send my son to my parents for the summer because I couldn’t afford summer babysitting, I finally applied for child support. I was nervous and drove almost an hour to the office with all the information i might possibly need in a neat little binder. My stomach was in knots and a friend came along with me. I hated that i had to do this because i knew the repercussions i was about to face when he realized i put in an order. After a couple of weeks, i was given a court date and i waited and waited for that dreaded call from him. It never came of course because they couldn’t serve him, so court dates were pushed back and rescheduled at least 5 times. It has been two years and i still have not been to court to even begin the process. In the interim, i have begged his father for help only to have $26 dollars thrown my way or to beg for new shoes and clothing. Sometimes he would help, but more often than not I was ignored. My mother would be the one who bought his shoes, clothes and Christmas presents this past year. And I paid her back in installments and in gift cards that people had given to me as gifts, i went to several taste tests where they paid you and promptly turned that over to her. It was like handing someone a bag of pennies you collected and hoped that they understood you were trying. And she does and she did and words can’t express how grateful i am for that support. She even came to stay with me over winter break for a month to help take care of him while he was out of school so he wouldn’t have to be alone while i worked since i couldn’t afford for him to be in a camp or anything.

This Saturday, I finally got the call. I had fallen asleep on the couch and my phone buzzed me awake. I sleepily answered and his father was on the other line.

“I got the papers” he said, in a low voice

“What papers?” I sleepily asked

“I got the papers. The child support papers”

“Oh…..” I sat in silence for what seemed and eternity but was probably just a few seconds, bracing myself for impact. Trying to remind myself to be strong, that I knew he was about o be awful to me but any of the words that came out of his mouth were not true. That I wasn’t awful for asking for help, that it was his job as a parent to want his son to succeed.

“You need to withdraw this” he said

“Um..No” I said quietly, then asserted myself “No”

“You really want to put him through this? You want him to go through a paternity test? You need to withdraw”

“Uh, he’s not going to go through anything, he’s not going to court this is child support. I filed this 2 years ago, when you refused to help me with day care and I had to send him off. This is because he needs shoes and underwear and clothes and I shouldn’t have to beg you and plead to help him”

“You need to withdraw this”….. and then there were other exchanges that are not really important to this narrative. But the jist of it is he tried to get me to cancel the order. He gave me reasons why this wasn’t a good idea and tried to play on my insecurities and I held firm. I hung up the phone and sat in silence for a few minutes. Not really knowing what fresh hell I was about to open with this. My stomach ached, I was nauseous. Because what you don’t realize is even getting away from your abuser, your never really free and sometimes the sound of their voice or a disagreement gives you flashbacks of the worst of times.

About a half an hour later, he calls back. I answer the phone with a “hello…” followed by silence.

“Are you going to put him through this?” he says more forcefully this time. “Have you looked at Michael?, have you looked at him?”

Knowing where this was going I responded with “Uh yes, I know what my son looks like, i only gave birth to him and i see him everyday”

“Oh YOUR son” he said.  I thought to myself, oh boy here we go. “Because he doesn’t look anything like me. Do you think he looks like me?” he said angrily. “He looks nothing like me”

Cheese and Rice on a fucking stick. Are you serious?! Was all I could think. I didn’t even get to respond before he said “Because they are going to put him through a paternity test and you need to withdraw, because he doesn’t look like me and you’re going to put him through this”

So this is where he is mentally now. He’s upset that he has been ordered to pay child support and now after 12 years he’s trying to attack my integrity by implying that there is a possibility that our son is not his. He is. There is no doubt.

I answer back with “Look I know you’re sitting there with hopes and dreams of a Maury Povich situation where you get off the hook on a technicality, but he’s your son. Don’t you ever question me again about that. You raised him, you were there when he was born, he has your mannerisms, you and your fathers eyes among other things. Besides, he’s a bi-racial child, guess what genius? he’s not gonna look like anyone, (Even though the kid is my doppelgänger honestly, which is OK because UM I’M HIS MOM)

Then he responded with what he does best, the big bow on the gift of insulting “Oh you think I don’t want him to be my son? why would you say that?” And ladies and gents that is called gas-lighting. Bringing up something, creating a fuss and then turning it around on the other party as if they created the issue and thus they begin to replay and question their sanity. Realizing this i ended the conversation immediately and decided that i needed to have a talk with our son . He’s twelve. if there is a court order that involves a paternity test (which is normal in cases where you file for child support and were never married, this isn’t because my morality is in question or because its assumed i passed my vagina around like an hor de oeuvres plate, its standard procedure in my state. )

I decided to go upstairs and see my sweet boy who was playing video games and none the wiser. “Hey Buddy” I said “Do you have a second? I have to talk to you about something that’s kinda hard”

“Sure” he replied

“Buddy…” and I took a deep breath, a minute or so passed before I could muster up the words to start this awful conversation, but my son and I have that type of relationship. Were very open and honest, you have to be when your running a house like ours. It has to run like a well oiled machine. “Buddy, um, do you know what child support is?”

“Not really, No” he said

“um, well child support is when one parent asks for help financially from the other parent. To help them buy clothes and food and things that the kid needs. Sometimes, child support has to be done in the courts because of the way its set up”

My son, who is half wise but also half sarcastic, a trait he definitely got from me says “So you’re suing daddy?”

“No dude, I’m not suing Daddy. I filed for help a few years ago and they finally sent him the paperwork and we have to go figure some things out. But I’m telling you this because of the way it works, you have to go to a lab and they have to swab your cheek. Its to establish paternity. They do that to protect the dad because there are some not so nice people out there who lie and say that the father is one person when it really isn’t so they make everyone do this”

He laughs and goes into a Maury Povich “you are not the father!” dialogue. I give him side eye and say “Sorry bud, that’s not the case here. Your mother remembers well when you were conceived and there is no doubt in my mind, that’s your daddy”

My son in a moment of clarity and knowing his father says “Let me guess, Daddy’s mad and acting like I might not be his”

“Well, he’s  a little surprised by the order and asked me to cancel it, but I said that i wouldn’t because it’s not fair. You have things that you need and i try my best to provide them, but i need a little help. I hate that i even have to ask, but i had to, and I’m so sorry buddy, that you have to be part of this. You wont have to go to court, we wont fight,He sill loves you, he’s your Daddy. i just had to tell you because of the swab thingy” and then i hung my head in shame and started to tear up.

My son, the best thing to ever come out of our genes, said “Mommy, don’t feel bad. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone. You have already shown that you can do it and if you need help that OK. Adults always tell kids to ask for help but forget to do it when you become and adult and if you have tried all you could and exhausted all your options, then this is what you have to do”

I look up at this amazing soul and say “how did you get so wise?” and he gives me a sly grin and a mischievous look and then yells out again “You are NOT the father!” because Maury Povich to him is funny and he’s 12 and a stinker. I laugh and give him a hug, call him a bum and ask him if he has any questions. We talk about the stigma of unwed mothers, the baby mama title, the feeling that people think we are out here getting our nails done and at the club spending child support money while our kids sit at home hungry and in filth. I tell him its unfair and that most of the time the money people get is only a little so it’s not even what the main provider spends in a month. That this wasn’t a “Mommy is mad at dad” thing and that anything i received we would put into his bank account and use for his needs. He seemed to handle it well. however, after i walked downstairs about an hour later, he said “I’ve tried calling Daddy twice and now he’s not answering”

Sigh.

Hold your head high little one, we will get through this. This isnt the life i wanted for us, but ill figure out a way to make it a life your proud of.

Winning His first championship

Playing at the Park

Sleepy adventures

Single Mom, Child Support and other dirty words I am not exactly sure when the negative stigma of being a single mother started. It seems to me that the only honorable way to go through this unscathed is to be a widow.