#youaremystarlight

[eastcao]

Even if it hurts at least we loved hard.

[eastcao]

나는아니야 아직은아니야

[eastcao]

Persona

So I'll start off by saying I'm probably not the best type of fan that an idol would want to have. Reason being, I did plan/wish to stop being a fan at a few points along the way. Even now, when I no longer have any plan to stop loving Taeyeon, I still wish I can love her less than I currently do. I often have this talk with my friends, when they totally don't get my actions and I would simply tell them that kpop fans are among the most emotionally invested. As someone who tries to and pretends to be rational, I certainly don't wanna be this emotionally invested. Especially in someone who probably won't ever know my name. That's the (pretending) rational part talking. I came to know Taeyeon during a very tough chapter of my life, and I precisely remember the first day I started noticing/watching her, because it was such a miserable day - missing my flight and being stranded in stupid Abu Dhabi. And I fell for the woman, fast. How could I not? When her smile automatically made me smile along. When her songs accompanied me during countless sleepless nights. When she quickly and easily became my precious source of happiness. When the petite, seemingly fragile A4 paper human was actually such a strong and admirable inspiration. My whole life I never had an idol, not just in the kpop idol meaning. There were people I admired and respected, but never that much. Then Taeyeon came. I was grateful. And I thought to myself, I need to repay this idol of mine for all that she's unknowingly done for me. Hence came all the things a fan would do: buy her music, stream her MV. My money's going into her pocket as a token of my gratitude, materialistic me reasoned. But I knew I had it bad because it wasn't just that. I wanted to defend her and showcase my love for her. To watch her everything and try to learn more about her. To meet her and hear her singing live. To do all the things I consider so uncharacteristic of me. I wanted to stop. I no longer need Taeyeon as a source of happiness (well, I do, but not that much anymore). I've repaid her in my own ways. If possible, I'd want to keep lowkey following her activities and support her by buying her music only. But again, kpop fan, too emotionally invested. Hence, I wanted to drop her altogether. But how could I when I simply love her so much and want so badly to be a tiny part of her source of happiness, as she is mine? I've relented, I can't. Especially after going to Persona. After hearing happiness in her voice when we cheered so loudly. After seeing how good she is, how good she's become for our sake. After looking at her attentively and realizing the 10 years that passed by. The years've been a friend to her, and we fans often muse to ourselves on how that kid leader still looks like a kid. But I could see it, since I adored fetus baby Taeng so much. There've been so many ups and downs, she's no longer that kid. Yet at the same time, she's still that kid. Just a much, much better version. And that much better version of the kid leader Taeng made Persona a very magical experience. The music quality, the stage design, the screens, the VCRs, the lightning, the fan projects, the interaction. The happiness shared between people who love and cherish each other. I was simply blown away. And I thought to myself, people who don't experience the love between an idol and fans, won't understand it. All unconditional love is equally beautiful. She doesn't have to love us and give us that much, but she does. I don't have to be this devoted, but I am. I should treasure this feeling I have for her because it's beautiful and precious. Taeyeon is beautiful and precious. I wish for nothing but her happiness, and I know she wants the same thing, despite not even knowing who I am. She kept mentioning how she felt like she receive so much from us fans despite not giving that much. If I ever have a chance to meet her, I would tell her that I feel the same. Knowing and loving Taeyeon had never been a part of my life plan. I'd been listening to kpop for over a decade, yet I never let myself be pulled in this deep, until Taeyeon. But, it's been a pleasant twist of fate. "It’s the beauty of life, isn’t it? To do things, to go places, to meet people and to nurture loves we never even imagined." Fast forward a few years, I probably won't spend this much time on her, be this focused on her. Tbh it'd be better and healthier for me. But she will always, always, hold such a soft spot in my heart. I'm so certain to the point I can promise I'll be here for her, supporting her for as long as the girl will be singing. We want to be your strength, our voice. When we see you, a smile leaks out. We don't want to part with you. And we won't. I won't.

[eastcao]

I never thought I'd be posting this one day. But that's the beauty of life, isn't it? To do things, to go places, to meet people and to nurture loves we never even imagined. Thank you, for appearing during one of the darkest moments. Thank you, for bringing so many different colors along. Thank you, because you make me feel feels. I was not there in the beginning. I can't promise I'll be here till the end. But I will forever be grateful for the past 7 months we shared, and for the journey we will be sharing. Stay together Sailing into the night

[eastcao]

I will continue working hard, just like how my idol's always been doing. Be brave. Work hard. Because it's not just good music that you've brought to my life. Let's both go far, live well, be good.