#you'll probably be treated with SO MUCH more compassion and understanding

[insipid-drivel]

Endometriosis, Fat Doctors, And Bellybuttons: What They Don't Teach You In Health Class

Woo another rambling TED talk, but I just got home from a meeting with a doctor specializing in wound care that I really feel a lot of you should hear:

Firstly, I've been having mysterious pains in my bellybutton area since... probably last Autumn? But I've had menorrhagia (extremely heavy, painful, and even dangerous periods that can cause spontaneous hemorrhaging) since I was 13 years old. Since my menorrhagia became active, I've been begging for a hysterectomy. I'm moving into my 20 year anniversary of Living With A Uterus That Hates Me As Much As I Hate It.

Being trans (agender) also really incentivizes the whole "yeet the uterus" thing, too, but that doesn't really have anything to do with why I wanna talk to y'all about endometriosis and bellybuttons.

Anyway, as of this year, I've had a lot of issues with my bellybutton region. Random infections, inflammation, pain, trips in and out of the ER; the works. My doctor has been so confused by my bizarre constellation of symptoms that he hasn't been sure of what's going on or what the best course of action is, aside from referring me for more tests and prescribing comfort measures in the meantime.

Until today. My desperate track for a diagnosis began over a week ago when my symptoms became alarmingly sepsis-like, but my test results came back with nothing but signs of an elevated white blood cell count. My doctor has been rushing me from specialist to specialist, and today was a wound care doctor that specializes in treating bariatric, hospice, and disabled patients that can't necessarily follow conventional wound-care advice meant for young, abled, and thin people.

I didn't expect much. Maybe some magnifiers, swabs, and a biopsy at worst, followed by antibiotics and whatever else, but definitely nothing that would help me solve this latest scary health mystery. While the worst of the pain I had that landed me in the ER went away on its own enough that I can get by with mobility aids, I still haven't had a diagnosis.

Until Awesome Fat Doctor.

Awesome Fat Doctor I celebrate. I live for this man. He literally gave me a reason to keep on trying and not give up. I was so scared of the appointment I'd gone nonverbal (not weird for me these days), but I got my voice back after I spent a while with him and his nurse (who was also fantastic). Even though I only met him for a few minutes and he forgot to introduce himself so I can't remember his name right now, Awesome Fat Doctor was a rock star. He was in his later middle age, scruffy, unshaven, and fat - enough that I could imagine the reason he specializes as a wound care doctor is because he may have gotten fed up of other doctors blaming his own health problems on his weight and life choices.

AFD gave no fucks. Along with being a big guy, he carried himself with the gruff no-nonsense of a man that's probably beaten up his ableist colleagues overdiagnosing fibromyalgia in the back of a Wendy's parking lot. He had been informed of my autism and my own needs for a wheelchair due to my own long-term chronic pain and other health issues, as well as my troubles speaking, and treated me like a little cousin that was having a rough go of things like he'd had.

He was compassionate and a straight-shooter with me. He was respectful of my boundaries, talked to me as casually as if I could respond like anybody else with working vocal cords (which I was eventually able to), and generally had all the bedside manner of someone that has worked with patients with special needs of all kinds. He looked at the trouble area and my records and history, told me that he was gonna do his best to get things straightened out, and then went quiet as he studied the timeline of my issues.

"Do you have endometriosis?" he asked, while studying a photo my mom had taken of a... skin infection over my lower abdomen, which had spread from my bellybutton.

I was confused.

"Not that I know of," I answered. I'd found my voice already when he and his nurse both helped put me at ease and showed me I was respected, safe, and seen. I've been tested a few times in my life for endometriosis and had my fair share of ultrasounds (the most common way to diagnose endo), and nobody had found anything unusual. But I have menorrhagia, am always in pain from my reproductive organs, and am desperate to get them removed. I'm on a 24/7 regimen of 2x normal birth control pills just to keep me from menstruating for my own safety. It sucks.

"My wife once had to get emergency surgery for what we thought was appendicitis. Do you know what it turned out she had?" he asked me, very suddenly, and like he had an idea.

"Ectopic pregnancy?" was my first guess, because women have died in the past to ectopic pregnancies that were mistaken for appendicitis.

AFD shook his head. "It was her menstrual cycle, and she had endometrial tissue bleeding into the space beside her appendix. I think you may have endometrial tissue in your bellybutton, and every time your hormones try to cycle in spite of your birth control pills, it bleeds and infects."

I was gobsmacked. Endometriosis and PCOS run in my family as reliably as eye and hair color, but I'd never really thought of how pernicious endometrial tissue could actually be. When I picture endometrial tissue, I picture overgrowths inside of reproductive tissue, or clinging to the outside; not growing randomly within the abdominal cavity or emerging out of my fucking skin like a turkey pop-up timer of doom.

AFD slowly nodded. "And the only way we'd be able to see the endometrial tissue is if you had it tested while you were menstruating and the tissue itself was inflamed and bleeding. Otherwise, it won't show up as anything different to the normal, healthy tissues surrounding it. A biopsy isn't reliable, either, because we have to know exactly where the tissue is before we test it. You have to have your hormones triggering the tissue to inflame and behave differently so it can be diagnosed if there are no big deposits of tissue to see."

After a long time of my ears ringing, I asked him, "Do you think it's possible that the ultrasounds were showing false negatives? Like, I have endometriosis and had it all along, but the tissue is too small to see or were being looked at at the wrong time?"

As it turns out, that's exactly what may be going on.

I see my doctor tomorrow, and meet with my surgeon at the beginning of next month.

Listen to your bodies, y'all. I am so thankful to that doctor, who wound up diverting into a very colorfully-worded rant about how much he hates the American medical system immediately after that. He gave me hope that I was just having new issues with old problems and was right all along about what my body really needed, and that my symptoms now are just showing what happens when doctors neglect their patients' needs.

I did wind up asking if he specialized with wound care because of how other doctors responded to his weight, and he said that it was a mix of reasons beginning with Yes: Both so he could have a safe space from fatphobia and ableism for himself and his patients, but also so his wife - who, while I hadn't seen her, he explained was about as big as he was - would have her own pain taken more seriously, being both fat and female. As he'd already explained, she hadn't been successfully diagnosed with endometriosis until she was symptomatic of full-blown appendicitis-levels of pain as an adult and her doctors were forced to stop blaming her pain on her weight.

Now, as I sit here reflecting... It's hard to believe that, thanks to this doctor's theory, I may finally be free from pain and dysphoria sooner than I imagined. It just took a doctor who could empathize with me to see me, and choose to take the scarier hill to fight on with me.

[danieyells]

I feel like bc vagastorm is mostly male (usually it's pretty even when we see female and male NPC but vagastorm we see like 4 male designs and just 1 in hotarubi or I just remember her hahahs) and he went to juvenile, Alan is accidentally sexist in the benevolent sexism way if you know what I mean?

Like it can be as small as giving the MC the last canned coffee or his jacket when it's cold to refusing to think the MC did something bad on purpose bc he believes they have a better moral compass, to even ban them from the pit bc they "shouldn't be around so much violence" and leave that to boys to fight while you read or something.

Yeah, I agree there are probably a lot more men there, or at least not a lot of feminine people. Leo is legit probably one of the most feminine people there lol

But yeah I think Alan would definitely lean into an almost 'chivalrous' set of behavior with girls, or at least with girls from outside of Vagastrom and the MC especially. He doesn't realize he's being sexist in any way, he's just trying to be helpful and do what he's been taught is the right thing, but he'll definitely treat mc a little differently than other people.

According to Leo he walks around in winter with short sleeves so he probably doesn't usually have a coat to share if it's cold but when he does he'll absolutely drape his coat over the mc if she seems cold while they're out, maybe gently chide her for not dressing warmer. Doesn't understand why he likes the sight of her in his jacket so much. He does tell the pc not to come to the Pit in the game, though! I think, as time goes on and he starts to trust her, he'd be okay with her spending more time there, but he'd assign someone to make sure nothing happens to her with all the rowdy guys around. Or he wouldn't fight/train and just be her bodyguard if she really wants/needs to be in there.

But yeah he definitely like. Tries to open doors for her or keep her out of danger and discourage her from dirty places and gets mad when men are rude to her. Always asks if she'd prefer to hang out somewhere else instead of sitting around in the garage with him, but he's never really sure where to take her. But I also feel like he's not offended or bothered or upset if she's like 'you don't have to do that' or 'i don't really like when you do that' or what have you--maybe a little surprised and embarrassed that he was doing something wrong all this time. And she has to explain no it's not wrong just, y'know, she doesn't wanna be treated differently for being a girl. Maybe she's not very strong but she's fine with getting her hands dirty or being in dangerous places if she's got backup. Yeah those are nice gestures but. . .not if it's because she's a girl, y'know?

On the other hand the mc is the usual type where she's very much just there as a view into the story and she just rolls with what comes her way--and compared to some people on campus I think Alan's Benevolent Sexism would be a breath of fresh air lmao better than everyone else who makes her do their bidding! Especially when he starts to feel comfortable around her and instead of pushing her away while he does something he thinks she shouldn't do or wouldn't want to do is like "sit here and wait for me" and he like. Brings her something to drink or apologizes for not having something to do while she waits.

(lmao now i'm imagining the pc asking him what he's doing to a car and he's like 'stay back, you'll get dirty. I don't think you'd be interested?' and she's like 'honestly i like cars i'm really curious about all the anomalous vehicles' and he pauses then he starts explaining and showing what he's doing. And over the next few days they all notice he seems a little down and finally pc asks what's wrong, he's been acting a little upset since that day and he just

Gets embarrassed and apologizes

And admits he was thinking he might have feelings for her but when she said she was interested in cars he realized she liked girls and it got him kind of down but he'd get over it and liked having her around as a friend anyway and he didn't wanna overstep by saying something

And she is BEFUDDLED AND CONFUSED and leo from wherever he's hanging out or eavesdropping just cracks tf up

And they have to explain to him that girls having "masculine" interests does not make them lesbians oh my god alan even if she does like girls it's not necessarily exclusively

And that ends up being the very awkward story of them deciding to go out, just alan being completely blockheaded)

[bridgyrose]

The gods literally curse Salem to never see her beloved one just because she did what every person would do if they know there is a way to bring someone they loved back to life.

Whatever they were right or not about Ozpin what they did to her is what cause all of the war in remnant

Everyone can have their opinion but i don't see the gods as good guys especially when v9 final show us that they know nothing about balance.

Maybe they don't need to be killed but they defiantly need to learn their lesson and mistakes.

(Also what theme killing the gods is going against?)

Here's the thing, I'm not at all saying the gods were right or wrong in what they were doing, but they were definitely not prepared to deal with a human that doesnt know how to deal with loss. But what you're missing is that the opinion I keep seeing around is that the gods have to die, the gods are the real villains, the gods are evil dickheads, and everything we've learned about the gods just doesnt support any of that. Yes, the gods have a lesson they need to learn, but the thing is, killing them or treating them as an entity that has to go isnt going to solve anything.

And placing the full blame of Salem's actions on them isnt exactly a fair sentiment either. They were absolutely wrong to curse Salem the way they did, but what vol 9 showed us is that's all they really knew how to deal with the situation. They're from the Ever After. Death isnt really a thing there, at least, not in the way we know it. In the Ever After, everyone is functionally immortal. Barring any accidents or running into the Jabberwalker, as long as you are content with your purpose, you'll never die of old age. And Salem's curse is basically just their way of using the Ever After's rules to try to help her change and learn. But it backfires because Remnant doest operate on those same rules.

So, yes, they absolutely have lessons they need to learn with balance and compassion, and that's one of the themes of RWBY. That no matter the mistakes that are made, everyone deserves a chance to learn otherwise and to correct those mistakes. And killing the gods would go against those themes.

The other thing about the gods, we really dont know anything about them besides stories. What we learned about the gods from Jinn was all from Ozma's perspective, from someone who fears the gods and has a reverence to them in fear. And the blacksmith talks about them as if they're children because they left the Ever After relatively young. They're inexperienced beings that dont quite understand how their creations feel. That doesnt make them evil or bad guys, it just means they need to learn and grow. Why would a story about allowing people to learn and grow kill off two beings that need those lessons, and quite frankly, probably wont really play much more of a role in the story until the end?

[determinandum]

would you be okay doing a natal chart reading of mine? Here are my placements. Hope this is a fine format to do it in. Let me know if you need anymore deets. Thanks! (Bottom part is part of fortune in 5th house)

Hey there!

Very much ok to ask, and also I love your icon (Beau is so cute!)

Let's see what we're working with:

8th house Sun is like consciousness working in the background. It's like getting energized by uncovering things that are lesser known or bringing clarify to topics. You're probably madly good at focusing on something when you want to be, and when it can be self-defining. That said, the 8th house still has that transformative part, so your ego and sense of self might evolve in time as you experience life. Your inner child might have to suffer a bit more depth when young, only so you can resurrect the things that bring you more energy later in life. Either way, you may end up very different then where you started, as you get older. Tapping into hobbies and play and creativity can help you heal more than most, and whether it's with people or passion projects, you're likely going to be more thorough and want to understand the things you like intimately. How this will play out exactly can be seen more in the signs.

That said, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn are all in the 8th. So delving into things is how you learn, but also how you overcome. Issues to do with shared values and taking on psychologically the values of others can be a theme, such as a parent (either a father figure prominently or a mother figure taking on this role) could have tried to instill such strong values that it's hard to disengage and escape them. You're likely going to be pulled towards both structures and unstructured thinking with Jupiter and Saturn in the mix. You're a doer too, and possibly need to be moving your life in one direction or another and may not be content with that direction being small,but rather pursuing mastery. I would warn against burnout because the chance to take the extremism of the 8th house and then Saturn's durability and then Sun and Mars's will and expand that by Jupiter? You could work yourself to hell if you really loved something or you wanted to get something ardently. So while I don't think moderation is the solution, learning to use your regenerative powers and using perspective and planning activity when necessary may fatigue your soul out less.

With this mix, it's likely you want to master some occult topic, but this will depend on the sign all the planets are in. If it's earth, water or Sagittarius, this heavily applies. If it's air or Aries/Leo,you may be drawn to the arts or some form of management. You have a lot of resilience, and the sign of the 8th will show how you use that resilience, and how exactly you can work best to build it up.

Moon in twelfth is a treat if it trines the 8th placements. It's not unusual for you to find your comfort in your vision. This can be the cliche of an overactive imagination but it can also be psychic gifts in the area. The home is somewhere that dissolves, but that can be transcended. You may either have a loving or a very lonely early home. Either way it makes you more sensitive to environment, and very sensitive to the world's needs. You can take a lot in, and music and art will help you feel more secure. It's a bit of a rollercoaster having a moon in 12th, but it will also allow you to accept fully whichever sign falls in it as well as have a broader compassion capacity in general.

Venus and Mercury in 7th is a bit funny to me because you sound sweeter than your strong heart. While all that Martial 8th house powerhouse of a thing is trudging on, these two placements will help you reach a social balance, because you'll likely choose words that are balanced and ideas that harmonize well, and may find that at least mentally pursuing moderation in some aspects suits you well. A bit of a socialite and a lover of the arts placement, you'll have to choose at times between breaking the mold and people's expectations vs. keeping the peace. Ideally there will be times when both can be integrated.

The people who spend more time with you one on one will find out that they have a good friend and someone of amiable mind to rely on in you, and it's likely have a lot of affection for friends and people you interact with on a daily basis if these two are conjunct. You may however get bored easy unless Venus is in a fixed sign or cardinal earth/water and require variety and intellectual stimulation. Here art isn't so great if it's not balanced with good ideas and good ideas aren't so great if they're not expertly exposed so you likely strive for a bit of both. You may overgive or overdevote at times if you trust people, especially if Venus is in water/earth. Your capacity to learn will probably improve if you represent concepts manually or through some artistic form or by association with things you like.If Venus and Mercury are conjunct, some good poets I know have that, and musicians :) .

Uranus and Neptune in 5th if conjunct or same sign are likely a good indicator of ability to feel into how people's egos are moved by social change and who we become. You can look at the world and see it as an amalgam of souls having their Hero's journey. You can also aggrandize your self image in a spiritual sense, and here the mystic archetype becomes sort of ideal, and the want to embody a sort of otherwordliness comes strong. A lot of the 90s general brought on this aesthetic shift as you know :) with self expression being way more otherworldy looking than it was years ago. Many had Uranus and Neptune nearby. It would depend which sign or signs this is in, to see what you idealize or dream of, and where you can bring something original. The conjunction itself rather tells you can have genuine insight into the soul that will need some channel to actualize. And it's also a generational indicator of our relationship with the affect of technological improvement and social movement on the whole, where Neptune is more perceptive of changes and integrates them more subtly into your self-identity as well in the 5th.

Pluto and Chiron in the 3rd are sort of....firstly fun because Pluto rules all your 8th House,so all of that intensity goes back to...knowing for you. Uncovering truths, a detective's mind, a relationship to duality and lie vs truth that will be very impactful to you. With Chiron perhaps you yourself will have difficult lessons you always carry stemming from psychology or certain patterns of thinking. Obsessing over things is possible here, but so is transcendental healing truth. Depending on the sign's element, this will tell if the truths you can uncover and information you can revolutionize is philosophical or visionary (fire), socially uplifting and Logos-like (air), mystically subtle (water) or fundamentally progressive (earth).

Lilith and SN in 4th versus NN in 10th do make me think you may carry some sort of a wounded conscience in the chart regarding how you're treated. Difficult experiences may occur and here you can metabolize them and use them for growth or they may pull you back. Your soul's body of experience, or previous lifetimes if you will in that interpretation of the South Node, might have to do with self-reflection. You already likely have a keen insight, a way with intuition and are naturally fairly more easily in tune with your environment than others . What is needed or desired in order to progress even further now would be,with NN in the 10th, creating your own internal order leading to external discipline so that you can build a legacy out of your life and knowing. Since the 10th house is about time, NN here is about learning to build things in time or within your lifetime. If the 8th house supports this, you're set to be quite on the uptake in life, since you have a lot of drive.

Part of fortune I consider to be a place to draw luck or have Fortune's blessing. If it conjuncts Uranus/Neptune is could mean divine insight but depends on the sign. Either way in the 5th it means what benefits from the luck is you and your ability to self express, or that by self-expressing the traits of your planets here, and being warm and engaging, you may see more opportunity open up.

That's what I see:) Signs would have helped too but I hope this sheds some extra perspective.

Thank you!

[alexsfictionaddiction]

Review: Normal Women by Ainslie Hogarth

With a cover like that, you'll know that I was completely powerless in resisting giving it a read. I haven't actually read Hogarth's previous novel Motherthing, despite seeing it making the rounds on social media but it is on my TBR. This was my first 2024 release and I'm really excited to see what the rest of the year has in store!

Dani couldn't wait to be a stay at home mum to little Lotte but now she is worried that if her husband Clark should die, they would be destitute. But then Dani discovers The Temple, a yoga studio run by the alluring, mysterious Renata who tells Dani that it's not just yoga classes that The Temple offers. It also offers its visitors the chance to reach their true potential and allows them to take whatever steps they need to get there. Could this finally be the career path for Dani? Just as she is about to get started, Renata goes missing and Dani becomes determined to find out what's happened.

The book talks about traditional gender roles and how men and women wish to be perceived. Clark cares about being the voice of reason in the family and would never dream of going along with the hare-brained scheme that has his wife so captivated. However, Clark doesn't enforce this dynamic -it appears that he and Dani have naturally fallen into it whether that's due to societal expectations or not.

Dani also compares herself to her female friends, their experiences of childbirth and subsequent relationships with their husbands. This culture of constant competition and comparison between women is so recognisable and yet so unhealthy. Even though we know it's unhealthy to compare our lives, we still do it.

Hogarth writes about motherhood a lot and I can only imagine there is much of the same commentary in her other book Motherthing. Normal Women paints a largely positive picture of being a mother, despite admitting that it is all-consuming and potentially a huge identity sucker. However, Dani loves being a mother and the tone of the novel is very much that everything she works for is worth it.

The Temple is a unique place and I have no idea whether anything like it exists in real life. It's not clear whether the thought behind their mission is based on anything scientific or whether it is just observational but it is a really fascinating idea. There's not really any denying the truth in what they preach but whether it can be fixed via their methods of teaching them compassion and sensitivity is questionable. Again, it doesn't really become clear over the course of the novel but I'd like to think it goes some way to 'healing' these men.

The humour and voice is snarky and therefore probably isn't to everyone's taste. I laughed a few times and could definitely relate to various parts of Dani's narration but it was also tinged with a bit of sadness. It was the same melancholy that often descends when a marriage or long term relationship is depicted as a 'habit' rather than a choice but I understand that these relationships definitely exist.

There are some really profound parts that really resonated with me and the above exchange between Dani and Renata was one of those. These women actively reflect on their place in the world and how it affects their lives. I am certain that there are so many readers (not just female ones) who genuinely feel that they are 'not good at this world'.

Normal Women was a funny, honest look at female labour and how it's treated by capitalism. I was actually quite disappointed that the mystery wasn't a more prominent part of the book or that the resolution wasn't more dramatic, as I think that could have delivered further, darker messages about the treatment of women. However, I really enjoyed following Dani through the course of the book and reflecting on its themes.

Normal Women by Ainslie Hogarth will be published by Atlantic Books on 4th January 2024.

[mgsapphire]

Ethics and morality... and how they're not the same...

Weird title, and I don't even know if I'll properly approach this one with all the topics I wish to this discuss in today's The Devil Judge essay, because a lot of things peaked my interest, I was debating on doing a separate post for each subject, but I'll do them all in here:

Starting simple

I know we're only 4 episodes in, but I want to break down the things that I often look for in a new show:

Cinematography

Soundtrack

Character building

Plot devices

Social commentary (sometimes)

Of course, these are things most people would consider basics, but I find that a lot of TV shows don't have enough balance in them. Also, cinematography and soundtrack are pretty up there for me because when a plot gets slow, or something like that, I stay for those two (biggest example: King Eternal Monarch).

The soundtrack in The Devil Judge is amazing and the cinematography can be a character of its own. They really get me hooked and are used as tools to properly tell a story. And I'll get into that further down this post.

The onlooker will never understand the actor

Experience is your best friend not only applies to job hunting, but it's true in the real world too. You can't truly weigh in on something unless you've experienced it yourself, you can give it your judgment and everything, but when bad things happen to someone, you'll never truly understand their pain. Am I bringing up because of the difference of mind in Judge Kang and Judge Kim's opinions? On how the public treated the minister's son? No. I'm talking about a very specific scene, where the cinematography told me to think that way and not the dialogue (it's that easy for my mind to be swayed). In episode 3, when the rich are about to dine right after the foundation's commercial for a better future, we see this aerial shot:

What's interesting about this? The seclusion and the enclosed feeling it conveys as a counterpart to the poverty shots we were just shown. Yet, these are the people making ads for a better future, what do they know?

They live comfortably behind concrete walls with no windows to see what goes on apart from the bubble they live in. This idea is further enforced at the party in episode 4, where they're not even a part of the donations, and watch and mock from afar as spectators. Yet, these people call the shots. They even call it commenting, as if they were watching the pain of others on TV.

The intriguing personality and the duality it encites

Now, this was a costume and wardrobe decision, but it was also very well thought of:

Judge Kim wears white and Judge Kang wears black. One is morally perceived by viewers of the show as morally good and the other is perceived as morally dubious at best. However, besides the costume and wardrobe thought put into this, we also have to think about the delivery of this scene and how it may further affect my detailing of this section. Judge Kang brings down the coats, and hangs over the coat to Judge Kim, he's the one who is making that annotation: You're pure, I'm tainted. This can have one of two interpretations:

Either Judge Kang believes Judge Kim to be pure and innocent due to his status as a rookie in the field

Or he believes Judge Kim to be morally white and himself morally black as he's looking at his brother's face and not at Judge Kim's heart.

Because most of the back story we're unveiling is through Judge Kim's perception, there's also an inherit bias we're having as well, because in Judge Kim narrative, he believes he's doing what's right and believes Judge Kang to be evil. In being served information about Judge Kang through Judge Kim's eyes, our bias is inherently skewed.

Another thing is that, when they put on the coat, they're standing in front of the other, as if the producers of this series are telling us they're two sides of the same coin.

The duality is made in more deceitful ways, which include:

A difference of classes that implies one has suffered while the other has not.

A difference of experience that implies one is more tainted while the other is pure.

A difference of age that implies one is a sly fox while the other one is is bunny about to be eaten.

A difference of temper that makes one erratic and the other logical.

Power dynamics

This one, in this one I could make a whole thesis based on just a couple of scenes in the drama. And you know I have to mention it: director Jung being the puppeteer.

It may not be as unexpected at first, nevertheless it brings forward a lot of things I've wished to touch upon for quite some time now. A woman being a puppeteer of an old man in the portrayed dystopia that The Devil Judge is painting makes much more sense than more common demonstrations of these dynamics where it's either a:

A man of power being controlled by a bigger man of power.

A man of power being controlled by a seemingly man of a lower status.

A woman being controlled by a man of power.

Although, there's nothing wrong with those power dynamics, and if they were to be used, a message could also be conveyed, this one in particular works as a megaphone.

A subversion of power in such a way can be interpreted as a true indication of the weak overcoming the powerful. Why? It is not that woman are naturally weaker than men, but that in society, patriarchy has been a big factor in taking voice away from women in order to give it to men.

In order for Director Jung to achieve her purposes, it's smarter for her to do it under the pretense that an old rich man in power is the one calling the shots.

This is better exemplified by her stance when the old man tries to excuse his behavior, and what her moral compass is. I'm not saying I agree with her unethical conduct, but that her morality is directly impacted by the perception of the public of her as a weak woman:

Just because a dog bites a human does the person get dirty?

This is telling on how she perceives the actions of the old man in gropping the waitress. She didn't do anything wrong, even if you touched her, you are the dirty one.

While she's evil, it's a refreshing and deep evil.

The public's opinion and how there's actually logic in the show's portrayal

The public opinion can make or break a person, even if it's not on a public trial like this. While "cancel culture" barely works in today's society, a person's reputation is forever tainted. The show does tell that, but it also exhibits the scary downside of it, by showing how easily it was to make people accept flaggelation as a fitting punishment.

There are many experiments that have tried to test the effect of societal pressure on an individual's decision and the effect of the authority's enforcement of power in the outcome of these decisions. Furthermore, theories based on analysis of human behavior not necessarily relying on experiments can also help break this down. What do I mean? Here's a small attempt at explaining:

Milgram Experiment on Authority: which measured the individual willingness to carry out actions that go against their conscience due to an authority's approval.

Argument from Authority; The idea that people are more likely to use an authority's opinion on something as an argument for their reason. This is often seen in science, where trusted authorities have done the research and offer it to the public. In here, authority bias also plays a role, as we often believe, at first, that an authority must be right.

Moral disengagement: basically speaking, because this is evil or bad, I'm not part of it and I most probably am not actively participating in it. One may disengage by moral justification, which means that before engaging in something that has been previously perceived as immoral, I'm changing my stance on it based on what I tell myself to be logical arguments. This particular form of moral disengagement is very effective in changing the public opinion. I'll be touching on another form further down this post.

Other factors played a part, but these ones in particular came to mind when public flagelation as a form of corporeal punishment was wildly accepted. First, an authority is the one telling them it's correct, to go ahead. Secondly, another authority (the minister) had previously shown approval to such unusual punishment. Thirdly, they are not the ones to be engaging directly in the act, and even if they were, it would be acceptable because an authority has told them so. They may even believe the punishment to be a necessary evil for the greater good.

In fact, the minister's son was actually correct when pleading his case, they were accepting it because it wouldn't affect them directly.

Regarding the cinematographic descent of the public opinion regarding the situation can better be exemplified by the old man we've seen through the episodes.

Does suffering justify misdeeds?

Today I came along the difference between excuse and reason. You may give a reason for your behavior, but it doesn't excuse it.

Not because I've suffered through shit, means I have to make you suffer too.

I may explain myself, but it's on the other side to excuse me.

Why I hate the unreliable narrator and why I love it so much

This story has been told mostly through the eyes of Judge Kim and what he hears and sees regarding Judge Kang, if anything, the narrative is very close to that of the narrative we've seen in The Great Gatsby. An enigmatic man is being narrated to us from the eye of a man who hasn't known him for a long time.

How is that an unreliable narrator? The narrator has their own set of bias and moral standards which function as lenses through which they see the world.

Another way of putting it would be the way teenage romances are often written in a first person narrative where either of the two teenagers is the narrator, so the author can sell to us something as simple as offering a pack of gum as the most romantic act on earth. We're perceiving interactions through rose tainted glasses.

In this case, we're seeing the interactions through Judge Kim's eyes who doesn't trust Judge Kang from the get go due to his own preset bias.

The narrative becomes even more unreliable as we're not exactly sure if what Judge Kang disclosed himself is a fact.

The reason why I love this narrative is because it leaves a lot of space to make simple plot twists to a narrative and make them seem grand, and can elongate a story without making it obvious.

The reason why I hate it is because sometimes, in tv shows mostly, we as viewers can see the other side of the story and grow increasingly frustrated with the main character's prejudice and misunderstandings (I'm looking at you my beloved Beyond Evil).

Also, because I have to wait for a long time before I actually have a clear picture of it.

[headinthestaticsky]

The Phenomenon of the Immortal Sun: Jasper Hale x Fleur Swan, Chapter 3

None of the characters in Twilight belong to be, all rights go to Stephenie Meyer.

"'Cause I'm lovesick And I ain't even ashamed And I'm hard up, for some time in your sheets Would you be down to spend all your time with me? 'Cause I'm lovesick."

Lovesick by, BANKS.

The reception looked absolutely beautiful It seemed every inch of it was covered in decorations.

"I have to admit, Alice and Rosalie know what they're doing," Jasper said.

"They even made the cake look appetizing to me... not enough for me to stomach to eat it but still," I replied, ever since I had become a vampire, human food made me sick.

"They've done their job then," Jasper said a smile was still etched on his face.

We began to sway to the music, I melted into him.

"Please call me your baby, baby Look how long that you have kept me waiting I'm all in, look at all that I have given Oh, I know your love before I kissed you And now you have only made me miss you Come get me Come love me, baby come love me."

"'Cause I'm lovesick And I ain't even ashamed And I'm hard up, for some time in your sheets Would you be down to spend all your time with me? 'Cause I'm lovesick."

"I just wish Bree could be out here with the rest of us..."

"I wish she could too, but even if she wasn't presumed dead...being around all the humans wouldn't be good for her," Jasper explained comfortingly.

"I know." I pecked Jasper's cheek.

"Please call me your baby baby baby Look how long that you have kept me waiting I'm all in, look at all that I have given Oh, I know your love before I kissed you And now you have only made me miss you Come get me Come love me, baby come love me."

"'Cause I'm lovesick And I ain't even ashamed And I'm hard up, for some time in your sheets Would you be down to spend all your time with me? 'Cause I'm lovesick.'

"Are you going to tell me where we're going or is it going to be a surprise still." I inquired.

"Patience my love, good things come to those who wait." He teased, biting my lip.

I whined

"I don't wanna wait..."

'Cause I'm lovesick And I ain't even ashamed And I'm hard up for some time in your sheets Would you be down to spend all your time with me? 'Cause I'm lovesick

'Cause I'm love sick 'Cause I'm love sick 'Cause I'm love sick 'Cause I'm love sick 'Cause I'm love sick 'Cause I'm love sick

We broke apart from our loving embrace when the song ended. I scanned the crowd searching to see if I could find Leah and Seth again, when I did I dragged Jasper with me eager to see them.

"Hi, I'm so glad you guys made it!" I greeted them and pulling them both in for a hug.

"Good to see you Fleur, you look beautiful." Leah said, Seth nodded in agreement. I saw Billy Black and Sue standing behind them. I walked up to them and hugged them too.

"I hope you'll be happy Fleur...I wish you both the best." Billy said with a somber tone.

"Thank you."

"Well, I don't know about the rest of you but I plan on getting drunk. Sue, could I interest you in a glass of Champaign?" Dad asked.

Before Sue could speak Billy interrupted them.

"Sparkling fire water. Sounds great." Billy said, almost running over dad's ankles." They all walked away.

"How long do you think it'll take for them to get together?" I asked Jasper.

"I give them a month or 2." Jasper estimated. Two unfamiliar voices greeted us both.

"Fleur, Jasper! Congratulations!" A woman greeted.

"Thank you." Jasper replied.

Two gorgeous vampires greeted us, one male and one female.

"Hi, Umm... Eleazar and Carmen, right?" I guessed.

"Mhm, Hola!" Carmen said.

I then saw three blonde women standing behind them, observing us. Jasper saw me looking at them and answered the thought bubbling in my head.

"Those these are our cousins from Alaska. Tanya, Kate, and Irina."

"We've heard so much about you. I'm Tanya." She greeted sticking out her hand for me to shake it.

"Welcome to the family. Bienvenida." Eleazar added.

"Thank you. You're very welcoming." I said.

"Irina, Come meet Fleur." Carmen called out to her.

I could tell something was troubling Irina and I followed to where her gaze was fixated at. She was looking at Seth, anger was in her eyes.

"I can't do this..." She grumbled.

"You promised," Tanya hissed at her.

"She invited one of them."

Jasper looked to where she was gesturing to and sighed.

"Irina, he's one of our friends."

"They killed Laurent!" She rebutted back

"He tried to kill my sister and I." I explained.

"I don't believe that." She said, getting in my face.

"I suggest you back away now... we don't need to cause a scene." I grumbled getting even closer to her face.

She backed away and left, stomping away.

"I'm sorry you guys, thank for coming." I said, a guilty look made it's way onto my face.

"No no don't worry about it..." Carmen comforted.

"Well. Let's not monopolize the bride. Congratulations." Eleazar said. Walking away with Carmen

"Thank you."

"We're sorry." Tanya said, her and Kate walked away as well.

"Well.. what's a wedding without a little family drama huh?" I asked playfully.

"C'mon you let's go, speeches are starting." Jasper said, pulling me in the direction of the chairs.

"Excuse me. Is this on? Hello?" I heard Rosalie whistle at Emmett.

"Umm, I'd like to propose a toast. To my new sister. Fleur, I hope you've gotten enough sleep these last 19 years. 'Cause you won't be getting any more for a while." Emmett laughed and winked at me.

My mouth was slightly agape and I breathed out a laugh. I turned and saw my dad who downed his glass of champagne. My mother just rolled her eyes and repeated what my father had done. I saw Leah stand up and go over to the stage.

"Fleur... I've known you for as long as I could remember. Some of my favorite memories were with you on that beach. And the reaction you would give every time I would shove you into the freezing cold water."

Everyone in the crowd laughed.

"I know I haven't always been the nicest to you, after my father died I completely blew you off.... I know I treated you coldly. But you still were kind and gracious to me and my brother Seth. So thank you... for always being there for me even when I wasn't there for you. Jasper, you better take care of her, you have a whole lot of people who are willing to hunt you down." Leah finished. Jasper gave her a nod and a smile, a silent promise in a way.

My dad stepped up next, I saw tears in his eyes and gave him a comforting smile.

"Jasper will be a good husband. I know this because I'm a cop. I know things. Like how to hunt somebody to the ends of the Earth... I also know how to shoot a gun. But I also know this because he's loyal and empathetic, and a wonderful influence on my daughter. He sniffled before continuing, I love you Fleur... and I'm so happy for you... for both of you."

"Now that you're my sister, you'll have to get over your version to fashion... Yes, you have some style but... the t-shirt and jeans have got to go... and those god-awful ankle boots have got to go too." Alice said.

"Never!" I jokingly yelled.

"Fleur, I remember when Jasper had come home saying he had finally met "the one." I was skeptical, scared even... my first instinct on you was to hate your guts and keep you away from my family. But then I got to know you and I saw how compassionate and understanding you were. I knew you wouldn't hurt my brother, who had been treated horribly for so long and deserved someone with the same amount of compassion as him. Thank you Fleur, welcome to the family. To Jasper and Fleur!" Rosalie finished raising a champagne glass.

"To Jasper and Fleur!" Everyone repeated.

Dinner had gone by smoothly, everyone was too distracted to notice none of the Cullen's and I had eaten or drunk anything. Soon enough after most of the cake was devoured it was time for us to go. I had to run to the bathroom since my contacts were beginning to dissolve in my eyes due to the venom. When I got back out I saw Alice and Rosalie putting Jasper and I's bags into my car. Before I could make it to my car dad approched me.

"Well... It's gonna be strange, you not living under my roof." He started.

"Yeah. It's gonna be strange for me, too." I replied.

"You know it will always be your home, right?"

I know dad, I love you. Forever. I pulled him in for a hug.

"I love you, too, Petal. I always have and I always will. All right. Go on. You don't wanna miss your plane. Wherever it's going."

"I won't dad... I should probably say bye to mom and Bella too..."

"Good luck Petal," Dad said, humor was in his voice. I sighed and walked my way over to them, they were embracing and saying goodbye to one another, since Bella was going on her honeymoon too.

"Oh, Bella... I will miss you so much, I love you." Renee said tearfully.

"I love you too mom, I will miss you too," Bella replied. They both stopped talking to one another when I approached them. Their faces dropped, it seemed I dampened the mood.

"Well, I'll see you later mom, Bella, have a good one." I said.

"Yes, I'll see you in nine months... I mean... later." Renee said condescendingly.

"Mother, even if I was pregnant I wouldn't let you near my child. They don't need your spews of toxicity around them." I spat out before walking away.

I hugged all of the Cullens before walking up to the car, I was about to get into the driver's seat when I threw the keys at Jasper. His face was in shock.

"Only because we got married, cowboy, it's a present from me to you."

"Thanks, Darlin." He smiled at me.

We began to drive off, I waved at the people in the crowd and smiled at them.

"Ready to go?" Jasper asked.

"Yeah...I'm ready."

[imagines-mha]

League of villains and the type of s/o they need

Characters: Shigaraki, Dabi, Twice, Toga, Spinner, Compress, Kurogiri

➟ Did someone say patient??

➟ Before you guys date, be prepared for a LONG, SLOW, AGONISING wait

➟ He’ll push you away 93817 times before even letting you know his favourite colour smh

➟ You'll have to be thick-skinned. He has a tendency of saying things he doesn’t mean to test your ability to put up with him

➟ It wouldn’t be surprising if he tried his best to turn you off him cus he doesn’t believe he deserves ur love :(

➟ Affection is key, but in small doses

➟ When you’re alone and he’s being vulnerable- don’t treat him like he’s weird. Don’t even point it out, just let it happen and he’ll love you forever cus it takes a LOT for him to put down his guard

➟ Run your fingers through his hair, lace your pinky with his- cliché little reminders of your love. Remember how utterly touch-starved he is- the tiniest touches mean everything

➟ Having a motherly nature would be helpful. He forgets to shower, eat, drink water, function, and he’ll really appreciate your gentle reminders as opposed to kurogiri’s nagging ones

➟ Also- he’s a tantrum child with both mommy and daddy issues. You’re gonna need to be there for him when he gets out of hand

➟ Someone like his mother would be ideal for him: soft, understanding, gentle, caring

➢ Yeah ur gonna have to be able to throw a few punches when the time comes

➢ He’s gonna run ur ass deep into the ground with his hard-hitting comments and straight-up insults. And he’ll probably pick a fight with you just to see how your body moves 🙄

➢ He doesn’t rlly mean what he says. He just finds it hot when you get mad

➢ If you’re good at arguing then dam 😳😳 he’s gonna be SHOOK

➢ You gotta like to tease, and like to be teased. He’ll pull your hair while he walks past you, you’ll shove him into the door when he’s not on guard. Simple things, yaknow?

➢ Enemies to lovers; slow burn; 500k

➢ He’s a secret glutton for your touch tho. Has no issue with grabbing your ass in public or dragging you into his room to fuck you whenever he wants. Be spontaneous 🧚🏻‍♀️✨

➢ POSSESSIVE DOE 😳

➢ If he sees you being too friendly with one of the members the league, then good luck bro cus his punishments HURT LIKE A BITCH

➢ Remind him he’s the only one you want- the only one you have eyes for. Then he’ll be satisfied

➟ please give him your heart. All of it.

➟ He’ll nourish it and water it and care for it like he’s never done with anything else before

➟ Boy has got so much love to give and he wants to give it ALL to you

➟ Someone spontaneous would suit him well. He’s excitable, and operates on a lot of last minute decisions. If you’re regulated with schedules and times, he’s not the guy for you

➟ You gotta be versatile. Able to take high ass doses of energy one second and snarky comments the next

➟ Also thick-skinned. If he splits and calls you a bitch, he doesn’t mean it. It hurts but you gotta understand it- plus he’ll make up for it with thousands of apologies afterwards

➟ Someone who can take a LOT of affection and PDA. If he’s in the same room as you, you can bet your ass he’s gonna be HOLLERING about how much he loves you. His hands will NEVER stop touching you when you’re together in public

➟ He’s so soft. Listen to him bro. Like hear his struggles and trace your fingers over his scars and tell him all he means to you

➟ He’s a baby when it comes to comfort man he just wants someone to hold him

➢ Oh my god DUDE you have got to have SO MUCH SKILL

➢ She’s a problem child at best. If you ain’t gonna at least guide her in the direction of right and wrong, you and your family might end up dead

➢ Just a reminder of her love

➢ Sometimes you gotta talk to her like she’s a child to make her understand. Her moral compass was blown to bits years ago- she’s gonna need someone firm

➢ But also someone who can handle her extent

➢ She’s very forward- and she’ll probably try to take your blood more than you’d probably want her to

➢ But once you tame her, she’s a cutie

➢ Talks a lot calmer with you- and seems a hell of a lot more human than before

➢ She’s really good at listening to you, and even better at taking you into her arms and treating you like you’re the most important thing in the entire world

➢ because to her, u are 🥺

➢ When she chills out, falling in love with her is as easy as pie

➟ Someone NON JUDGEMENTAL.

➟ He genuinely doesn't believe he deserves love. Like ik it’s emo but he’s been thru some shit and he thinks he’s gonna die alone

➟ u gonna need to prove him wrong

➟ Any kind of affection makes him red in the face and dizzy. With that in mind, give him all the affection you have

➟ You gotta be clean too cus his room is a MESS and he’s gonna need the reminders and help fixing it up

➟ Same interests would be nice, or at least have an understanding for gaming and why he loves it sm

➟ If you’re a girl who plays grand theft auto tho,,, he’s 😳 simping respectfully

➟ But fr you gotta treat this man like he’s the cutest guy in the world. He’s flustered as fuck, but he has SO much love in him

➟ You gotta have some level of maturity. He has no time for lackadaisy, over-bubbly girls who are never sad

➟ Show him your depth and then he’ll knock down his walls

➢ Can you handle a tease??

➢ God i fuckin hope you can cus this man is RELENTLESS

➢ You gotta have some level of class like let’s not lie

➢ If you’re well-versed in poetry, got that dark academia aesthetic goin on, read a lot- he’ll FALL SO HARD

➢ he just wants that live-mysteriously-in-the-woods-with-my-lady aesthetic

➢ Act surprised and impressed when he graces you with his magic tricks. He’ll want to show you first, since your acceptance is his top priority so u better act like one direction has reunited to give you a personal bedroom concert u hear me x

➢ You gotta be a romantic. Man’s gonna perform the most GRANDIOSE expressions of love

➢ Kissing your knuckles, dipping you into his arms, bridal style carrying you everywhere, cheesy old-fashioned pet names???? Atsuhiro has GOT it

➢ And he loves to hear it all back

➢ He’s a dad, too. And he wants a girl who is motherly. It may sound traditional, but if you know how to cook and clean etc like a housewife, he’ll be swooning

➟ Oh my god you have got to be delicate. And you have to be okay with being babied

➟ He’s a quiet man with a hell of a lot of strength. He does manage the entire league of problematic kids after all

➟ If you’re mature like he is with a romantic side, he’ll be drawn to you so fast like SNAP. U got his whispy heart beating

➟ But also- be a little carefree yakno like he loves to relax as much as the next genetically modified ex-hero-in-training rip shirakumo

➟ Loves the type of girl who’s unafraid to be truly romantic. Slowdance with him in the bar at 3am and he’ll believe his entire life is worth living

➟ Also pls support him when he cracks his dad jokes 😭 ik theyre terrible but he needs the love smh 😔

➟ He’ll ask if you want to go mountain climbing and oh my god SAY YES HE’LL MELT

➟ If you’re good at tending to the league (whether it’s by being a good listener or patching them up after fights) he’ll be more attracted to you. The league are his greatest treasures, and you being friendly with them will only make his love for you grow

[seokwoosmole]

F4 Thailand Thoughts Ep. 5 [Pt. 3 & 4]

Okay, now about Hana. I have so many thoughts about her and everything that happened with her subplot. First of all, I'm not justifying the things she did, but I understand how she got to where she is. To be bullied and made to feel so terrible about yourself at that young an age is very traumatizing and damaging to your well-being, especially if it came from someone you cared about or admired. And while Thyme was in the wrong for treating her that way, he was also a child at the time (one who wasn't raised to treat people with compassion). I'm not saying that he shouldn't take responsibility for his wrongdoings because in all honesty, what he did to Hana when he was a child is on par with his treatment of other people as an adult, so it can't all be blamed on his young age, but a child at that age can't possibly comprehend that his behavior towards others would come back to bite him so harshly in the future. And it's very clear that Hana is not just angry or obsessed, she clearly has major insecurity issues that worsened her mental health after going through that incident as a kid. So this really isn't a matter of "oh she's a terrible person", but more "someone did something terrible to her and how she decided to cope made her a terrible person". Which is why I found her character so interesting to watch because she's a great example of what happens when a victim unleashes their anger tenfold as a result of the harm done to them. That being said, she's so pitiful, but she doesn't garner too much sympathy from me. The one who hurt her was Thyme. And like Thyme said, she should hate him, but her feelings are twisted with an obsessive love for him, so the end result is taking the anger she should have for Thyme out on Gorya because she has something Hana never had, which is Thyme's love. And that is what erases the sympathy I might have for her. If someone hurts you, it makes sense to want to hurt them back, but dragging an innocent person into it, especially one that has treated you kindly and gone through hard times for you, is especially wrong and cruel. Yeah and also, Thyme was (and still is in a lot of ways) a bully and it was not right of him to call Hana ugly, but that still doesn't make roofying his drink, taking him to a hotel against his will, trying to kiss him while unconscious, and doing things on his phone pretending to be him or anything else she did okay. Second of all, I'm extremely impressed with the development of Thyme's character during the Hana scene. Especially when he said that Hana should hate him for what he did, he really acknowledged that what he did was terrible. For someone who has a long track record of bad behavior that he doesn't take accountability for, this said a lot. And then when Hana threatened to harm herself, he was genuinely concerned. Not because he feared for his reputation or the consequences he might face, but he seemed sincerely sorry and scared that he had harmed someone so badly that they'd resort to these kind of drastic actions. And he ultimately grabbed the shard from her, hurting himself instead of her, and said "I'm sorry. But the person you should love the most is yourself." What?? I'm sorry, Daoming Si or Gu Jun Pyo would never. The way Hana has treated the girl he loves so terribly and admitted to going so far out of this obsessive love and hatred for him, yet Thyme still shows her compassion in this moment? In this scene, he said that he understands Hana in terms of what its like to dislike and love someone, but I feel like he empathizes with her on more than that. He knows how a bad childhood can lead you to become a bad person later in life, and that you'll probably regret impulsive decisions made out of anger or being hurt, so he stops Hana from doing so. And even though his immediate thought was to go after Gorya, he still told the server coming into the room to tend to Hana before he left.

Thirdly, even though Hana admitted to sabotaging Gorya, Thyme still doesn't know the whole story behind the pictures he saw her in, but after realizing that his misplaced anger

was a shield for his admiration for her, he made the decision to believe her – to blindly trust with the only reassurance being his love for her.

[naamahdarling]

Tell! Us! more! Abt! Your! Gf! ( if u dont mind that is) It makes me all warm inside🥰

Oh my god. Bear. Bear is amazing.

I know people are always like "oh my partner is so funny and smart!" and like, you gotta understand that is indubitably true because of course it is. And she's also just cute as heck. But let me explain to you that she is kind. Kind like stealing a sick and starving kitten off someone's porch, kind like always having money for the guys on the highway off-ramps, kind like I come out of the studio and find her crying because a horse dies on her 911 People Are Dying show, kind like treating every human being with whom she interacts with kindness and respect and compassion, kind like I didn't know could all be in the same person. I'm not describing it very well. It's profound.

I was raised in a dysfunctional family and then went straight to a difficult relationship, and while none of those people ever meant me ill, and all loved me dearly, I still had never been on the receiving end of kindness in this way.

I honestly spent the first 4 years of my relationship with her taking it in. Like something so big you can't really understand it. Like looking at the night from a dark sky site when you don't know the names of the stars, and think maybe even if you did know some you couldn't find them because there are so many. So you just stare at the sky and feel its presence and you're like "Wow, that's real, and I am somehow real, and looking at it, and I don't understand it but I know I love it and I never want to look away."

So you just lie there eating Twizzlers and hoping the park patrol doesn't come throw you out because curfew was like 3 hours ago and wondering idly if you'll have chigger bites in the morning but not caring enough to see if your socks are pulled up. You just lie there and take it in.

And after a while of going out there and dodging park rangers you learn some stars, you get a grip on the shape of it. Maybe you learn about the Orion nebula where stars are born, or about how Vega used to be the polestar, not Polaris. But you never stop being amazed by it.

She is like that. Not just her kindness but her whole constellation.

I love the shit out of her, it is absolutely wild. Didn't know I could feel this way. And man, how I used to hate romance.

I don't know if I care for it still, actually, but I love it with her, because she loves it. So I say romantic things and I do romantic things and it feels RIGHT and I treat her like an equal and a friend but also like the most precious gift in the world, like something you cannot believe someone trusted you with, because that's what she is.

I am an atheist. An a-the-ist. And she has come [this close] to changing my mind because touching her feels like Grace. But I know that the universe made her out of the same stardust as me, like super-randomly, and the miracle that we should meet is bigger than anything I read about in the Bible, so I don't know if God really enters into it. Like, there have been sooo many sacred kings, but she's the only one of her. Ever. Isn't that absolutely crazy? Isn't that the most unlikely thing you have EVER heard?

I'm not fucking around, I love her to death. I love her so much that if someone harassed us on the street for being just incandescently queer, I would just walk away from that juicy fight because she hates conflict and would probably be upset and maybe scared and I wouldn't want to leave her alone. I think about it a lot, I picture it. We get in our sensible Honda and drive away and get Dairy Queen. She didn't tame me or anything. I evolved like a fucking Pokemon, and the world be willing, someday I will evolve into someone as good as she is.

I cannot emphasize enough: I didn't think I would ever get to have this. I have multiple mental health diagnoses and am disabled. I will never have a job or work. I'm a divorcee. I'm queer. I'm fat and have bad skin. I don't cook. I make fucking awful jokes all the time. I didn't expect to find anyone, let alone...like...HER. I had no hope. But I got it. Because love is real, and by god it may take its time coming but when it does it's fundamentally life altering and almost incomprehensibly beautiful.

I could seriously talk about it for hours. I WILL if you ask me or let me. I am quiet about it mostly (barring the last few days) but it's a significant part of my life, and with all of this shit going on, it's kind of highlighted how much I NEED to be with her forever.

[rawresparza]

“It’s six o’clock in the morning, you’re not having vodka.” I'm curious where you'll go with this 👀👀

Probbbbbably not what you had in mind but a scenario came to me and I ran with it. I did change it to scotch, though. I hope you like it

TW: mentions of past abuse

–

It’d been sometime around four in the morning when Rafael had realized what a terrible idea it was to spend the night in his office.

The couch has never been easy on his back, he’s talked about trading it in for a fold-out or even a portable cot for ages but every time an actual opportunity to do it comes up, he either finds himself to be too busy or, though he’d never admit it, too lazy. Besides, a cot would throw the aesthetic of his office into complete disarray and he refuses to let that happen.

With a groan, he shifts for what must be the hundredth time of the evening–

(Morning? The sun is already peeking through the blinds.)

–and when he peeks at the clock on the far wall, he realizes it’s well past five. He’d gotten almost a couple hours in, then. There’s one thing he’ll be willing to celebrate today.

He glances at his phone, face down on the coffee table, with a twinge of guilt nagging at him. It’d buzzed all night, over and over, and Rafael knows all he’d needed to do was send just one quick message back to avoid any unnecessary concern but he hadn’t been able to find the heart to do it. Besides, he’s kidding himself. Had he told Sonny the truth, had he told Sonny why he’d felt the need to sneak out of their bed half past midnight and grab an Uber to his office, Sonny would have been out the door of the apartment before Rafael could have asked him to stay put.

He’d just needed the time alone. At least, that’s what he’d thought. It doesn’t seem to have helped all that much and now there’s an ache in his back to go with the dull one that’s been pulsing in his chest for the past week.

It’s almost over. Just give it another twenty-four hours. It’s almost over.

After staring at the ceiling for another fifteen minutes, repeating that joke of a mantra, Rafael finally concedes. Sleep is futile. It’s almost as if the universe is agreeing with him when there’s an unexpected rap at his door that nearly sends Rafael tumbling to the ground.

Scrambling to get up, he looks down at himself, at the worn sweats and plain white tee that has three holes near the hem from being washed so many times, and lets out a short, hysterical laugh. With minimal effort, he pats at his hair, not entirely sure of what his next move should be because frankly, he hadn’t expected anyone to come knocking on his door because nobody should have expected him to be here.

“Who is it?” he calls, taking a cautious step toward the door.

“Open the damn door, Rafael.”

Oh.

“Shit,” Rafael mutters under his breath, letting out a deep exhale as he crosses the room to unlock the door. Opening it just a crack, he peers out at the familiar face, squinting. “Sorry, did you have an appointment?”

Looking wholly unimpressed, Sonny rolls his eyes. “Funny,” he says dryly. “You letting me in or not?”

Rafael shrugs, stepping back from the doorway and spinning on his heels to head back toward his desk. The ache in his back has deepened, so has the one in his chest, and now he has the start of a migraine to top it all off, a holy trifecta to complete his hell. He plops down in his chair, pulling open his bottom drawer and finding two very different solutions: a bottle of 15-year-old Macallan, still unopened and waiting to be used for a monumental occasion, and a bottle of Aleve.

Smiling wryly, he grips the neck of the Macallan and holds it up for Sonny to see, giving it a little shake. “Thirsty?”

Sonny shuts the door firmly behind him, locking it, then crosses his arms over his chest. “It’s six o’clock in the morning, you’re not having scotch.”

“You’re no fun.” Still, Sonny is right so Rafael sets the bottle back down, trading it for the naproxen. He shakes two tablets into his palm and swallows them dry, cringing as they go down and pointedly ignoring how closely Sonny is watching him. When the room stays silent, Rafael sighs, leaning back in his chair. “How’d you find me? Lover’s intuition?”

“Find My Friend app,” Sonny shoots back, arching a brow. Rafael thinks he almost looks smug. “Told you that would come in handy someday.”

“You’re mad at me.”

“No.” Scoffing, Sonny throws a hand in the air before letting it settle back down at his hip. “You know what? Yeah. Yeah, I am. You realize you’re dating a detective, right? You realize that when I wake up in the middle of the night and you’re gone and you don’t answer my calls or texts, I’m going to start coming up with every single worst case scenario possible, right? You realize–”

“I do,” Rafael interrupts, frowning. He rubs at the bridge of his nose, willing the pills to work faster. “I do realize all that, Sonny, I’m sorry.”

Deflating, Sonny takes a few ambling steps toward him, lowering himself onto the edge of Rafael’s desk. “You’ve been here all night?”

Rafael nods in the affirmative, not quite willing to meet Sonny’s eyes. He sticks a finger through one of the holes in his shirt instead, twisting it so it grows wider, larger. It’s just the kind of fiddling his father would have hated.

“I thought it would be good to take my mind off things,” he admits, his voice low. He senses Sonny shifting, probably straining to hear him. “I wanted to keep busy. Thought it would be easier if I was already here. I should have answered your texts but I…” He trails off, narrowing his eyes at nothing in particular. “I don’t know. I’ve always just dealt with it on my own.”

He doesn’t relish telling Sonny stories about his childhood. Rafael hates the idea of anyone seeing him as a product of a broken home because that’s certainly not how he sees himself. He’s a man who’d had a shitty dad, just like so many other people in this world, that’s all.

Except that’s not all, is it? That’s the point, isn’t it? That’s why he’s here, hiding away from a city of people set on celebrating the fathers who exist in it, the good ones, the ones who make their families happy. Rafael recalls a time years and years ago when his grandmother had purchased a set of cigars for him to gift his father. They’d both been certain he wouldn’t be able to complain but they’d been proven wrong. That’s how he’d gotten that faint burn mark still present just above his right shoulder blade.

It’s a yearly reminder, Father’s Day, that his own dad had found a strange sort of pleasure in tormenting his child. That’s not normal, Rafael had grown up understanding that because his mother and his grandmother and even his friends had repeated it to him, over and over; but it’d been his normal for years. At a certain point, Rafael could no longer say he was surprised when his father lashed out, sometimes over the most minuscule of inconveniences.

“I get it,” Sonny says now, murmuring the words like he’s talking to a wounded baby animal, but Rafael shakes his head.

“No. No, I’m sorry, but you don’t. When you can point at a card and say your dad would love that one, you don’t get to say you understand.”

A combination of hurt and guilt flashes across Sonny’s features. “I shouldn’t have said that. That was insensitive, I should have known better.”

He’s missing the point. It’s not his fault. He doesn’t understand.

“You’re allowed to say it, Sonny. You are. You shouldn’t feel bad about the fact that your dad didn’t treat you the way mine treated me. I would never wish that for you, for anyone. You should be glad you can celebrate him, even if he’s not Father of the Year.” Not by any means, Rafael is tempted to add, but the corners of Sonny’s mouth flicker downward and that’s as good a sign as any to leave well enough alone. “It’s just not how I’ve lived this day. Even though he’s been gone for so long, I can’t help what it does to me when people remind me to call my dad on Father’s Day. Or when every other commercial on TV is about the best gifts to buy dad, the best restaurants to take him to, the movie marathon you and your dad are sure to love. The e-mails, the storefronts, the well-meaning people who stop by the office to talk about a case. He’s everywhere, smiling at me through the faces of strangers, and it makes my skin crawl.”

When Sonny doesn’t say anything, Rafael forces himself to look up, expecting pity but finding compassion. That shouldn’t come as a shock and honestly, it doesn’t. There’s a reason why Rafael has been able to say these things aloud at all, a reason why Sonny hadn’t barged in here fuming over Rafael’s disappearing act. Sonny may not understand what Rafael has gone through, but he sure as hell understands Rafael.

When Rafael meets his eyes, Sonny offers a small smile. “What do you need from me?”

It’s such a simple question but Rafael feels like it takes a weight off his shoulders. He could ask for anything, whether it be space or ten cups of the strongest coffee in the city or simply sitting together in silence, Sonny will give it to him. Rafael is certain of that, he’s never been more certain of anything or anyone than Sonny Carisi. He’s thought about it before, how easily Sonny could destroy him; but he’s content with believing Sonny never would.

Rising from his chair, he circles around the desk, reaching for Sonny’s hand and nodding toward the couch. “Sit with me for a bit?”

“I’ll sit with you for as long as you want,” Sonny tells him, following dutifully. He drapes an arm over Rafael’s shoulders once they’re settled, pressing a tender kiss to Rafael’s temple. “Just do me one favor, okay?”

“What’s that?” Rafael asks, his eyes already fluttering shut as he nestles against the warmth of Sonny’s body.

“Wake me up next time, even if it’s just to tell me you need to take off on your own for a little while.”

Rafael blinks then shifts in Sonny’s arms, resting a hand over Sonny’s chest as he looks up sheepishly. “I will. I’m sorry I worried you.”

“You’re just lucky you kept your phone on,” Sonny says, pecking Rafael’s lips with his own. “I was so close to putting out an APB on you before I remembered that app.”

“That could easily be used for stalking, you know,” Rafael teases, poking Sonny’s side.

Sonny yelps, batting Rafael’s hand away with a laugh. “Remember that the next time you chew me out for not offering to grab you a coffee when you see I’m nearby.”

“That was one time and I was in desperate need,” Rafael says, lifting his chin. “Anyway. I’m glad you used it. I didn’t realize how much I was actually going to need you today until you showed up at the door.”

That doesn’t come out quite the way Rafael had intended for it to sound but Sonny doesn’t seem to mind.

“You’re not alone anymore,” Sonny tells him, his tone somehow soft yet firm all at once. “Anytime you want to let me in, I’ll be here.” He wraps his arms tighter around Rafael as the tension from Rafael’s body starts to ease. “I promise I’ll always be at the door.”