#you’ll end up slaughtering yourself. | v: atlas escapee.

[maliwan012]

@warcrys said: for all the love you’ve left behind, you can have mine.

---------

It’s hard to be willingly vulnerable, as much as she desires it: the way she drifts towards it, hopeful that it can be achieved, and then she flinches back. Or she stares back like a dumb thing in headlights.

Naoko nibbles on the tip of her thumb, a childish leftover of a nervous tic, and heaves in a breath. “That’s-- that’s a lot.” It’s not a rejection, of course not, and it’s not quite a cryptic warning: all those she’s ever loved have gone, either alive and bitter or missing, or dead. But she wants it, so she grabs for Rembrin’s hand, holding tight and weighted like an anchor (that could go either way: keep him grounded, or drag him down).

“I want that. I...” I love you is not cheap, but she is scared to lose. Her mother’s not here, nor is her father, not even Issako, so the only way she can lose is on her on terms, her own decisions and bad choices. “Y... you can have mine, too. I-- God, not to sound fuckin’ cheesy, but I promise nothing less.”

[maliwan012remade]

@cerisetheai | from here.

---------

Moments like these are when Naoko wishes she hadn’t so frivolously gave the Soleki Protocol away; the woman’s Siren markings lend nothing to ease her paranoia, reminding her more of the Calypso twins (the Zanara, the statues-- husks, and Kiyoko and Gorou--) than any of the heroes she’d only heard of -- even Amara, who she actually met after Tumourhead’s demise. Worse still is being recognised -- lost the helmet some hours ago, pain-in-the-ass, and she’s stuck in the thick of a warzone. Great stuff.

“I know of him,” she says carefully, unwilling to trust words. “Considering I’m playing the part of an Atlas soldier. Even if I am missing the essential headgear.” She can’t help the aggravation in her tone, the bite and chop, contrasting to the other woman’s attempt at a friendly look. A sharp jerk of her chin, eyes narrowed. “What do you want?”

[maliwan012ooc]

a little birdsong. | ooc.

the bird’s reply. | ooc answer.

in the bird’s nest. | reblog.

the bird chorus. | reply.

sticky note on the noticeboard. | psa.

you’ll be waiting a while. | queue.

oh i love them! | promo.

love me maybe. | selfpromo.

a little fun and work. | dash games.

vibe check! [shoots you] | shitpost.

one bird a--calling. | starter call.

not exactly chickenscratch. | writings.

send a letter. | prompts.

i’m not interested in competing with anyone. | thread. (x)

i hope we all make it. | ic answer. (x)

i think i’ve been angry for a long time. | about. (x)

something separates me from other people. | aesthetic. (x)

full of guts and other stuff. | body. (x)

it’s the need to escape reality. | character study. (x)

i would hide my face in you. | desires. (x)

my mother might not love it. | face.

was it harder to die? or harder to be the one who survived? | headcanon & meta. (x)

i’m tired / i don’t want it! | music. (x)

something new and horrible every day. | musings. (x)

be the lamb or the knife. | talents. (x)

death will come for all of us. i’m dressed for it. | wardrobe. (x)

are you a bad person? | the experiments. (x)

an anguish that never left me. | the zanara. (x)

one of the good things. | cats.

i have a meanness in me; as real as an organ. | the nanites & augmentation. (x)

the only one left. | self.

a blade that never stops cutting. | katagawa senior. (x)

is the daughter’s misfortune the mother’s triumph? | fuyuko. (x)

know that you are loved. | natsuko.

father’s images. | brothers.

mother’s mirrors. | sisters.

stopped looking for the person i once knew. | katagawa junior.

everything a goddamn ordeal in area family. | katagawa family. (x)

no one can hold the sky up forever. | rhys strongfork. (x)

my love is in the garden. | honey ayodele. (x)

strength and tenderness in the same body. | rakesh mhasalkar. (x)

scum / nothing else now. | exboyfriend

don’t let me die / thanks. | vault hunters.

| zane the operative.

| amara the siren.

| moze the gunner.

| fl4k the beastmaster.

my little one--eyed darling. | nutmeg the cat.

better to let you go. | naoko & jr. (x)

i like my body when it is with your body. | naoko & honey. (x)

i’d like to be half as strong as you. | naoko & rakesh.

i’m your bitch / you’re my bitch. | naoko & exboyfriend. (x)

thanks for reminding me--- | naoko & honey & rakesh. (x)

time does not bring relief; you all have lied. | naoko & siblings. (x)

be quiet and follow my lead. | naoko & sisters. (x)

when the worst comes / i trust you the most. | naoko & kiyoko.

i know how this family burns like you do. | naoko & gorou.

this uncomfortable tension / between me and god. | naoko & sr. (x)

is my grief your secret pleasure? | naoko & fuyuko. (x)

now your secrets are mine. | naoko & natsuko.

you’ll never have to die for me. | naoko & hannah.

a couple of weeks and the feeling’s calcified. | naoko & satomi noda / saetomi.

your hands; they burn like mine. i’ll take you to my grave. | naoko & jr. / fratricideal.

you’ll end up slaughtering yourself. | v: atlas escapee. (x)

maybe later i’ll sort it out to hatred. | v: illfitting soldier. (x)

i want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. | v: maliwan daughter. (x)

what is this space between myself and myself? | v: maliwan usurper. (x)

how long will it feel like burning? | v: modern. (x)

they are burning their memories for warmth. | v: fc5. (x)

[maliwan012remade]

@tabmuted said: ❛ i don’t want to be saved. ❜ from kat

---------

“Well, why didn’t you just say so before, so I could’ve left you to bleed out?” Pointless question, even for all it’s acidity she bleeds into it. She still berates herself for not being more cruel: building him a new arm is a thankless task, keeping his being alive a secret so that nobody tries to raid her and Honey’s apartment is a thankless task, putting up with his endless bitching is a thankless fucking task.

And Honey knows. And hasn’t come home. Staying with Rakesh. Hasn’t called. Only hung up with tired silence when Naoko told her. The engagement ring feels undeserved, a strange weight.

Naoko kicks the dresser on her way out of the bedroom, leaving her brother to glare at her back if he so wished. “Once we’re done with this fucking arm, you can go. Crawl up to Strongfork for all I care.” The fact that she cares a lot still is irrelevant. She’s way beyond tired -- more so than when she was hiding.

[maliwan012remade]

@fratricideal / for that plotted thingy post-‘death’.

---------

It was a relief, although an infuriatingly guilty one, when she heard of her brother’s death -- the malfunction of a pseudo-Zero suit. She’d said that her brother was always too smart and too ambitious for his own good, and Rhys had looked uncomfortable at that. She had to bite her tongue, keep from saying Rhys is lucky not to have any over-ambitious siblings. Or any at all. A father-made enemy that you miss. By a hair’s width, apparently.

But she’d left the office after that singular quip, her face bare and unhelmeted, drawing looks from other soldiers -- especially Honey and Rakesh, both freezing up for a second when they both realize. She’d wandered the city freely in daylight, the three main obstacles now utterly dead. (Her parents? Well, she’ll take of them, in time. If Junior hadn’t already beat her to the gutting.)

The stench of blood hits her hard, although not out of nowhere -- out of the dim, yes, and it makes her heart race, makes her mouth unpleasantly watery in the way that precedes the return of dinner and lunch. Unpleasant memory -- her hands shake, her breathing shakes as she follows the trail of slick red down a narrow alley.

When she finds him, of course (of FUCKING course she finds HIM), she nearly does upchuck it all. Not just from smell-memory, but from frustration -- at the universe, if it’s sentient -- and from despair, and from rage. But it’s... a lot of blood, more than what would be considered safe, and she sees that her brother -- her baby (half-)brother -- is hiding his arm. Or, it’s in shadow. Or missing, her mind supplies. She almost slips in the blood, and grunts.

He should be dead. But he’s her brother, and for everything she knows (that he thinks she mocks him, that their connection was nothing at all, etc. etc. she’s so tired, please please please), she can’t just leave him there. Not in good conscience. (Is that why you’re gonna do this? For your peace of mind?)

“Junior?” Her voice shakes. He might try to kill her again, which’d be more of a relief than... whatever this might otherwise be -- it’d be another confirmation that she should turn her back on him. “Fucking-- shit. Say something. I know you’ve lost a lot of blood, but I-- what happened?” Maybe the suit didn’t just shock him. Internal injuries? Christ. Shit. Fuck.

[maliwan012remade]

i love you | accepting | @rembrin

rembrin said: BUNDLE : covering with a blanket or jacket / soff,,,

---------

Something soft is being tucked under her chin and around her shoulders, and that’s what rouses Naoko from her little nap. “Mmm... what?” Squinting up and around, catching a glimpse of red hair, she sighs contentedly, then winces at the crick in her neck. “Wow--” A cough to clear her sleepy throat. “--didn’t mean to fall asleep here, actually.”

Rem says he figures, but he didn’t want to disturb her, not knowing how long she’d been napping for. It warms her heart, like all the other things he does for her.

“Might actually...” She tugs the blanket close around her neck and shoulders as she struggles to sit up. “Go to bed properly. Still tired, honestly.” A sniff. “Join me for a bit? I’ve missed you, sappy motherfucker that I am.”

[maliwan012remade]

@rembrin said: “ i didn’t want to wake you. it’s been a long day. ”

---------

It was good of him to pretend not to notice the stiffness in her back and the way both hands were tucked under the pillows despite nothing of worth being hidden under them -- a habit she only half-remembers to perform, or half-performs. Or maybe he was tired from the long day, and couldn’t see her hands either way since her back was to him to begin with.

“S’OK.” One hand slides out and behind to grasp for Rembrin’s, her fingers wiggling slowly with impatience when he doesn’t immediately comply. Oh, they’re both tired, asleep or awake. “I kept waking up anyway,” she says, half-laughing drily as she pulls his arm around her waist. “You’re right. Long day.”

[maliwan012remade]

starred up | accepting | @rembrin

rembrin said: “you’re all right, you’re all right.”

---------

She didn’t mean to wake him up. Hates for him to see her like this, fragile and on the edge of bursting into screaming or crying or both, with her still tightly-fisted hands scratched and bloodied by mirror glass. It’s like a ticket, direct passage into what caused her lash-out this time: her reflection, and without the lopsided scar and her now-scant freckles (and if you looked close enough, her ECHOeye), oh, she’d look exactly like her mother. She was sleepy, half-cognizant, and although her mother’s dead, she thought...

The evidence is easy. She runs her hands under ice-cold water, flushing shards and blood into the drain, a relieved gasp pushed out when her wounds start to heal soon after.

And when Rembrin opens the door to the bathroom to see her standing there, directly underneath the hanging light, she’s like a deer in headlights (she’d seen one before, exactly so, nearly fascinatingly and distractingly otherworldly). Her mouth opens and closes up until he says, “You’re all right, you’re all right.” She’s not. Not really. The panic’s fading but not really.

Naoko tiptoes around the mess and follows him back to bed, not saying anything (even if she wanted to, it’d come out all wrong), and listens to his offered heartbeat. Someone alive here, at least. No ghosts.

[maliwan012remade]

derry girls | accepting | @rabieskinq

rabieskinq said: ‘ you seriously need to chill the fuck out. ’ from link :^)

---------

Holding back the snap -- real teeth, or metaphorical tongue -- is almost as difficult as holding back the tide, or crawling out of magma. But there are better reasons, she reminds herself, to keep it on a tight leash than there are reasons to let it fly: she respects Moxxi, and by extension her bar and her work, and throwing shit around is... well, disrespectful (duh!). Not to mention she’d get thrown out, hear reprimand from Rhys, and her son looks like he’d make her life that extra bit hellish for it.

“Oh, but I’m so fucking chilled out,” she grits out between grinding teeth and a too-wide smile. Only, she doesn’t pay attention to the grip she has on the glass in her hand, and she breaks it, spilling what’s left of her drink and glass shards over her trousers, and cutting up her hand a little. Ah, there goes the night’s build-up of rage, washed away by embarrassment. “... Oh.” She colours pink-red in the cheeks. “Oh dear. Ohh, shit, I’m so sorry--”

[maliwan012remade]

@ferocityflynt | continued from here

“well,  it’s not like you’ve got much of a choice,  lassie!  you either trust me or you die,  simple as that,”  he’s talking all too casually,  as if they weren’t in a life or death situation right now.  COV as far as the eye could see and just the two of them and whatever weapons they’ve got on them.  zane isn’t worried,  though.  she looks like a girl who can handle herself (with a brother like that,  she’s gotta be able to.  he knows all too much about what that’s like) and he very obviously can fight better than any normal man his age.  with an excited grin,  he spawns his digi-clone and grabs his trusty rifle,  glancing at her with a raised brow. “you got my back here?  although they might need more backup than i will!”

---------

A half-choked laugh flies out before she can stop it, and she readies the Protocol -- yeah, so much for giving up the heirloom, considering she had fuck-all else on her person and COV coming in too fucking close. And no time to grab her helmet to hide, either. Well, her cover’s more or less blown straight out of the water, anyway; if Junior’s not still fucking around with Strongfork and gutting the innocent, then he’s more than likely on his way to kill her (again). No thanks! First time was fucked up enough.

“Course I’ve got your back,” she says, perhaps too quiet for him to hear. A shot at the ground, ricochet, shock. Repeat. When she thinks she’s carved breathing room (not much, but a moment, at least), she half-turns to Flynt and the digi-clone (see if she can make something like that when she has the time). “Don’t suppose you’ve got anything to spare?” Half-shouting over the incoming cries, and winces when someone gets in a lucky shot -- barely pierces the armour, barely grazes her side, but it stings, and she grits her teeth and turns back to the Children without waiting for an answer. Oh it’s gonna throw her aim and concentration off -- worrying.

[maliwan012remade]

@eridianexpert said: there was something i always wanted to ask you. it was — how to do something — or — a story — or someone’s name — i forget.

---------

There’s an instant tension across Naoko’s shoulders, snapping snugly to her spine too, but her face remains neutral, if you didn’t take note of the clenched jaws, either. Something I always wanted to ask you-- Well, that could be anything, and that frightens her: that it could be the augmentation that allows for her to crawl out of the grave, or the nanites she’s still yet to test (fearful that they might eat her, or turn her into a weapon).

Then sympathy slips through, entwined with relief that the question’s forgotten, and smooths out the anxious knots. “I’m sure it’ll come to you eventually,” she says, arms unfolded now and almost -- almost! -- reaching out to give the good doctor a reassuring pat on the arm. Naoko stops, out of respect and self-preservation. “If I’m not readily available when you do, you can feel free to just send me a message, or something, and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Is that OK?”

[maliwan012remade]

hill house | still accepting | @thcwatcher

thcwatcher said: i told you she was in trouble.

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A scream or a whimper or a frustrated noise bubbles behind Naoko’s teeth, her brows creasing together the longer Honey doesn’t answer. Gaze flicking between the floor and the Watcher, she tries to think, to calm herself because Honey’s fine despite what the Watcher says. Has to be fine. Not allowed to not be fine, despite what tail-end of a message Naoko caught from someone that was meant for Honey.

“She’s fine, she’s just busy. A meeting, probably.” But the only kind of meetings Honey’d be attending would be the same as Naoko, and those were mandatory. More like assemblies, really.

But why are you so nervous? The name left in the message -- Peter -- rings a bell, in the same way that Mr. Dunn left an impression, the way her ex-boyfriend’s last name still leaves an acrid taste on the tongue. Bad news all around. Beyond bad news.

But maybe he’s dead. Please, let him be dead. After what he did--

“Don’t suppose you know what’s going on, do you?” Naoko finally breaks, eyes watering with frustration (and fear). “Just tell me it’s not the worst thing.”

[maliwan012remade]

peaky blinders | accepting | @thcwatcher

thcwatcher said: ❝ don’t sit there in my chair and tell me i’m losing my war. ❞

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Naoko blinks once, slowly, draping one leg over the other, and looking quite relaxed, even with her ramrod-straight posture, and her hands clasped to the arms of the chair. “I was only asking,” she starts slowly, and softly, “about the war. About when it was supposed to happen.”

She’s not too worried about The Watcher’s reaction; the lack of outright anger is still odd to her, being used to lashing out, but she knows that it’s normal for the Guardian to be... reserved doesn’t quite seem the right word (or maybe Naoko’s hesitant to make another wrong step in character judgement), but it’s in the ballpark. Besides, The Watcher still needs Naoko to use the suit. Or, someone who’s willing, and Naoko is willing, but not blindly unquestioning. That is something for the former Children of the Vault.

It’s not a staring contest (she can’t see The Watcher’s eyes, anyway, if she even has them), but Naoko stares ahead anyway, slowly steepling her hands together. “Is it a certain thing, Guardian? I don’t like going into these sorts of things blind. It would put us at a disadvantage.”

[maliwan012remade]

ghosts with teeth | accepting | @thcwatcher

thcwatcher said: “unless you’re dead.”

---------

A hard laugh, intended to be a single note, only it starts to spill and unravel and spiral -- a sardonic noise, now undone into something more... unhinged. Laughter that reaches the rafters (and did Gorou ever say something like that? he was a poetic sorta guy, although he preferred his tricks and illusions), so high and hard and loud, it hurts her stomach from the inside in a way that would worry her back then (kidney failure, necrotizing stomach tissue, cancer of the liver--). Naoko’s doubled over, having willingly slipped from the chair to her knees: bent to knees, shoulders, forehead, like a stretched-out five-pointed star.

“Unless I’m---” She slaps the floor, a fresh spring of tears and giggles spilling out of her, flooding and drowning her words. Only when it truly dies off, several minutes later, and that probably annoys the Watcher (if she’s even capable of being annoyed; she has more than enough time, yes? all the time in the universe! yes?), does Naoko begin to struggle back up, standing on slightly wobbly legs. “No, no, I’m alive. I’m very alive.” Nods as if to affirm it to herself. And metaphors don’t count; symbolism doesn’t count. Just the truth of her being alive -- death is just temporary now.

Used to be something she feared. Or rather, the method. She still fears that. ... Oh. Oh she still fears it all -- only it can happen more than once. Can’t let that get out, can she? Funny how she realises this... every so often. Fear, refreshened.

“And even if I do die, I’ll be fine. You know.” Even better now that she’s retrieved her nanites (although she’s still waiting on... re-discovering their effects. fucking hell.) and killed her parents (how long had she waited for that?) (shit, she needs to sort out who takes over the company. Rhys? he’s done good for Atlas, so--?). “Probably even better than I think.” Her smile, wide as the span of her face, dims. Probably.

[maliwan012remade]

… without a paddle | accepting | @ferocityflynt

ferocityflynt said: “You’re wearing a leather sweater in the dead of summer. You look good.”

---------

She expects a comment like that to be sarcastic, but Flynt seems to be genuine with the... compliment? Or maybe not -- maybe she is actually suffering heatstroke or something. “Thanks, it’s the first thing I found.” All the unwashed clothes caught up to her; she’s been distracted by other things (existential crises and all that). “You know, besides the pants.”

[maliwan012remade]

things you said | accepting | @thcwatcher

thcwatcher said: things you said that I wasn’t meant to hear

---------

“I’m not looking forward to this.” Head in her hands in the gardens again, when it’s late and cold and silent, and anyone else who might be out, as unlikely as it seems and she hopes, won’t see her face. Unrecognisable, scar hidden, a shadow of a woman in the dim of the gardens -- and she’s not even her, she’s Hannah, someone who wouldn’t (didn’t) hesitate at cutting someone down even if--

Wasn’t she meant to have sorted out her feelings by now? Square them away and have them make sense. Square away her brother as another asshole she’d dig into in the chair, a wall of glass between her feelings and her actions.

But the idea of that makes her want to vomit and cry and scream. So, in the garden, talking to herself, expelling anxieties. Trying to.

“I don’t think I’m ready. I wish I was ready. I want it to be over.” She squeezes her eyes shut, and tighter still, only half-registering the whisperings -- indistinguishable, and they might be human and far away, but her gut still clenches at the thought of the Eridian (Eridian-question-mark, because yeah, she has no solid idea, no confirmation, but it’s a possibility, maybe) being this close again. She kind of scares her -- in the sense that Naoko is already on edge, but hissing through clenched teeth as she carries on.

“God, why don’t I hate that little prick? Why do I-- why can’t I just fuckin’-- feel normally like a normal fucking person--”

Oh, the whisperings are undeniable now. The creature is closer now and Naoko hisses through her teeth. Hands drop and puffy eyes flick upwards and fucking shit the Eridian-question-mark is tall as fuck. Yeah, that still gets to her. Lips purse, and then she asks, “Suppose you’ve been eavesdropping.”