#you’d always see me trying not to cry in public transport like how the fuck

[mariusroyale]

.

[wooahaes]

35 + wonwoo!

rescue

pairing: non-idol!wonwoo x gn!reader

word count: 0.9k~

warnings: anxious reader getting worried abt wonwoo straight up going missing while its raining. intentional lowercase + no proofreading.

daisy’s notes: technically me elaborating on a thought i had a while back w wonwoo <3

wonwoo was late. wonwoo was never late coming home without warning. this clearly meant that he had disappeared into thin air and you needed to find him.

anxiety aside... wonwoo was very good at texting you when he had to work late. he knew that you’d worry otherwise, and he knew that he’d never hear the end of it from his coworkers if you contacted mingyu or seungcheol asking if they’d heard from him. it’d all be in jest, but they’d always harp on him for “neglecting you” when you were probably crying over him coming home late when he didn’t give you a heads-up. he’d always laugh it off as them just teasing him (because they were), but it had spawned a few very-real conversations between you about what he could do to make things better. you had said he didn’t owe you any explanation, but the heads-up that he was going to be late was always appreciated. therefore, wonwoo always texted you if he was working later than usual because he knew you’d worry--or he’d text you if traffic was bad, or that the weather was slowing things down. just so you were kept in the loop.

you sat in your living room, waiting. another ten minutes, and you’d head out. seungcheol and mingyu had both confirmed that wonwoo had left when the rest of them did, that they saw him get onto his bus despite seungcheol offering him a ride. it was raining, traffic was likely going to be rough, he could at least be in seungcheol’s warm car than on public transport. but seungcheol lived in the opposite direction you and wonwoo, so you knew wonwoo would turn him down.

which, honestly, you wished he wouldn’t. if he wanted to pay him back for gas, then wonwoo could do that--seungcheol would probably deny it at first, but there were ways to get around the hell of public transportation during bad weather.

fuck ten minutes. you were going now. you grabbed your keys, slipping into your shoes and about to lay a hand on the doorknob when you heard the tell-tale chime of the keycode being punched in. you stepped back as the door opened, wonwoo standing there, completely soaking wet. he had raindrops on his glasses, but he was hugging his jacket close to him.

he didn’t need his glasses to see that you were upset. “can you get a towel, please?” he said. “i can explain.”

“you better,” you said. “i was worried sick! why couldn’t you text me that--”

“i know you’re mad,” he whispered, “but you’re scaring her.”

you stared at him. “her?”

he opened his jacket, revealing a little bundle of black fur that was shaking--equally as wet as wonwoo. despite the fact you were upset, wonwoo smiled at you. “i couldn’t leave her.”

you sighed, kicking off your shoes and bypassing your slippers to prioritize your soaked boyfriend and the cat he’d rescued, grumbling to yourself about how you hated having such a sweet and caring and loving boyfriend who’d of course be busy rescuing a cat. you couldn’t even be mad at him when he was so happy about bringing her home. you returned with two towels after you turned on the hot water in the shower, throwing one over his head before helping him envelop the cat with the other.

“what do i do with you...?” you mumbled to yourself as you left wonwoo there to towel off as best as he could before he tracked any water further into the apartment. you gently rubbed down the cat as best as you could, trying not to startle her too much. the poor thing was shaking in your lap, letting out a quiet mewl as she looked up at you. “wonwoo’s going to want to keep you,” you sighed.

you’d never been against getting a cat--and there were no real rules against them in your apartment. he always had the money for a deposit in his account, just in case the two of you decided you were ready. both of you were busy most days, you felt guilty getting a cat. wonwoo had smiled at you one day and suggested getting two.

you told him that he was enough, just to hear him laugh.

“go take a shower,” you called over your shoulder as you heard wonwoo starting to make his way toward the bedroom. “i don’t want you getting sick!”

“i love you!” he called back.

the bathroom door shut a moment later. you sighed, looking down at the more-dry kitten in your lap. the poor thing was still shivering. you shifted her into your arms, still wrapped in the towel as you went to find the heating pad you had.

“if you don’t have a chip or an owner, we’ll keep you,” you said. the kitty was far too friendly to be a stray, in your opinion. that, or wonwoo performed some sort of magic to make her friendly immediately. “okay? don’t tell wonwoo.”

she nuzzled her face into your hand, just content to have the affection. you hoped she didn’t already have a home. especially after wonwoo later curled up with her cuddled onto his lap, happily sleeping while he softly ran through potential names.

maybe getting a pet always felt like a step closer to having a sense of family among you and wonwoo. but watching wonwoo so lovingly paying attention to the cat, talking about how he’d run back to the store once the rain let up a little more... you were okay with taking that step.

[delicrieux]

corpse husband... 👀 could I get a soft pastel aesthetic reader playing among us with the group and being absolutely terrible at it. maybe like she sees him kill someone and doesn’t say anything or report it and he follows her around to sorta protect her from the other imposter? at the end she asks why he didn’t kill her and he says it’d be too easy but ofc someone’s gonna make jokes and be like “no you’re just a simp” idk i think that’d be funny? you dont have to tho- no worries

⤹⋆⸙͎۪۫｡author’s note: we love pastels and corpse in this house. we love the “i’m helping cuz u cute” trope. we love the public simping. gotta stan this request

masterlist.⁀➷｡˚⸙͎۪۫⋆ ༄

There is a long list of things you’re terrible at, and Among Us is at the very top. But besides your lack of prowess at the game, it is perhaps luck you should curse, for what you have just witnessed will send you into the afterlife: Corpse’s little black astronaut murdering Rae in cold blood. You still by your keyboard; out of the corner of your eye, you see he chat going nuts. The stream just got ten times more interesting.

For a long few seconds neither of you move. You’re not exactly surprised Corpse is the Impostor, it’s just that you desperately did not want to get in his way - you’re bad enough at this game as it is, and trying outmaneuver the master at this game of chess? Impossible. 

Shrugging, you glance at your camera, “I ain’t see nothing.” Before, in-game, you promptly turn on your heel and glide to the other side of the map. Corpse follows. You start sweating, “Noooo, I swear I’m not gonna snitch, please spare me, sir. I swear on my” You idly tap your cat headphones with your hand, “-only prized possession. And my plushie collection.” He’s still trailing after you, even when you hop into Navigation. Turning to the chat, you ask, “Guys, how do I telepathically convey to Corpse that I’m not going turn him in? No one tell him, though, that’s cheating.”

“girl, start manifesting” one comment reads.

“Oh, manifesting, okay. Saw that on TikTok. I also heard it’s like a big thing in LA.” 

You’d imagine that if somehow you were actually transported to the cool chamber of a dying spaceship, cornered by a black figure with devil horns blocking your exit, you would probably start crying. But you’re safe in your little stream room, decorated in fairy-lights and soft colours and even softer blankets. That initial primal fear of having nowhere left to run lingers, though, and you gulp.

A meeting is called and you breathe out a heavy sigh of relief before unmuting your mic, the first to chime, “What happen--No! Rae! Who killed Rae, fess up now!”

“Well, maybe you killed Rae!” Sean exclaims, and even if you can’t see him, you instinctively know he’s pointing a finger at you. 

“It wasn’t (Name).” Corpse says smoothly, “We’re together.” He backtracks quickly, laughing anxiously, “Uh--In game, I mean.”

The conversation rages on, though you’re forgotten, which is a small reprieve. Corpse is quick to frame someone else and everyone agrees to vote. Momentarily you can’t believe you’re betraying your fellow crewmates and wonder why you’re doing it exactly. To make an entertaining stream? That’s definitely part of it. Charlie is flung into lava and you know it should’ve been Corpse but you’re having a bit too much fun to care.

“nooooo!!!! they corrupted her!!!! our sweet baby is on the villain arc!!! RIP”

You hope not mentioning what you had seen transpire minutes prior will dissuade him from killing you - he still could, but he’s just standing by the door, watching your movements. You decide you will only figure it out once your back is turned to him, whilst doing your tasks. Apprehensively, you get to it and--

Nothing happens.

Once you’re finished, you run circles around him. He joins in soon. The olive branch had been accepted. You grin. Rush out of Nav and he, once again, follows after you. 

The game continues like this, you doing tasks and he hoovering by your side like some little guardian devil. You almost forget that he’s the Impostor until he murders Sean right in front of you. You slap your hand over your mouth. Did Stockholm Syndrome kick in already? He self reports and his first words are, “(Name) and I found a body in Weapons.”

You aren’t sure how much your betrayal aided the Impostor victory, but you were the only survivor left between two serial-killers. Your chat spams celebration emoticons and fake-deep monologues about living in a society. While you were an unofficial Impostor, your audience single-handedly decides you were the best one.

It’s all laughter and apologies from your part to your slighted teammates, though even they have to admit it was a good game. Everyone agrees to play another round, but before it can start, you just have to know, “Hey, Corpse?”

“Yes, (Name)?”

“Why didn’t you kill me?”

“Oh,” He mutters, a small chuckle following after his words, “it would’ve been, uhh, too easy, I guess?”

“Lies.” Sean interrupts, “It’s because you’re a fucking SIMP!”

The discord call choruses “SIMP SIMP SIMP” in surprising harmony. You sit in your chair, giggling, smiling so brightly your cheeks start hurting.

“Guys, come on--” Corpse says, sounding like he’s smiling, like he’s got his face covered with his hands, like he’s embarrassed; he laughs - it’s a light, pretty sound, “I just wanted (Name) to have fun. And not be killed by Sykkuno.”

“Wait--” Sykkuno pipes up, “So you just...followed her around the map?”

“...Yeah.”

“Oh my God, you stupid simp!” Sean laughs, “(Name) was there when he killed me, I was so confused why she didn’t say anything because I figured she was the other Impostor, but turns out he just kidnapped her. Don’t worry, (Name), we don’t blame you for betraying the crew. You did what you had to do to survive.”

“It’s the her seeing Corpse kill me and pretending she’s blind for me.” Rae snickers.

“Wait a fucking minute,” Charlie says, “you mean to tell me, (Name), our little pastel princess fucking peach over there, saw Corpse slitting your throat and fucked right off, and then lied like a grade-a-politician during the meeting? Who killed Rae fess up my ass, you all are saying Corpse played us like a fucking fiddle but it was actually (Name) the whole time.” You hear a smile in his voice, and somehow feel a surge of pride, “(Name)--” He’s cut off by Sean trying to interject but quickly shushes him with a few choice words “Jesus fucking Christ, shut up, I’m trying to figure something out. (Name), did you or did you not use Corpse for protection?”

You’re giggling; you can’t control the sporadic giddiness mixed with light anxiousness, “I just...I just didn’t want to die!” You exclaim. More laughter.

“I rest my case, she’s a fucking wolf in sheep’s clothing, it’s always the nice one’s that stab you in the back for the fuck of it.”

“Guys,” Corpse says, “guys, guys, guys...Let’s play another round?”

“Yes”es are exchanged like trading cards. Before long, your screen lights up and you gape at the word IMPOSTOR written over you little astronaut standing right next to...Corpse.

You grin: if the last game was crazy, this one will be straight up insane.

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hope you liked it! xx

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[srirachvbi]

Kageyama and Bokuto taking their kids to practice headcanons !

request: hihi i was wondering if you can do a continuation of the bringing their kids to practice with some of the other haikyuu characters? i’d love to see it with kageyama especially but honestly you can pick anyone! thank you :)

a/n: i AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG... I have no excuses, i was too sad about haikyuu e wording but i have read threads on how to write characters on twitter and i am thriving... so n e ways i was looking for a reason to write more of these because i just... love the idea of this so tsym for requesting!! if i write more parts, i might do hoshiumi, hinata, atsumu, and... maybe oikawa? i’m a huge bokuto stan so his might be longer than kageyamas im sorry <3 and and ik that kageyama goes to italy but for the sake of i want to write other characters, i will be using the adlers oops. i will also be only doing probably two characters per post for these because i write so much for it. LMAO ALSO these are super unrealistic this would NOT be allowed during pro sports practices but for the sake of entertainment, let’s just... do it warnings: manga spoilers

Bokuto Koutarou

He had been wanting to bring Kaori to practice for a while but each time he tried to, you would be like no bitch </3 

heart been broke so many times

When you told him that you had to go into work and couldn’t schedule the nanny in time, he was like “I’LL TAKE CARE OF HER!!!”

Honestly you were only against him taking her because you were still mad at him for leaving her in the high chair for a while and you came home to her crying and him just knocked out 

Like... Kou, pls <3 

He had brought Kaori into post game interviews before but you were always there so this would really be the first time he’d take care of her by himself for a period of time longer than an hour

He’s a good parent dw !! he had just spent the whole night thinking about the most random shit and he ended up sleeping like three hours 

He was thinking about horses cause Ushijima brought them up in an interview >:0

You were still mad tho 

It had been a while and he had actually shown to you that he could take care of her by himself so you were fine with him taking her to practice

He was super pumped and was practically shaking in excitement (he was texting Akaashi the whole morning asdlfjskdf)

Bokuto-san AGHASHEE!!!!! Y/N IS LETTING ME TAKE KAORI  TO PRACTICE!!!!!!!!! AGHASHEE Congrats, Bokuto-san. 

That conversation but every two minutes

I’m sorry Akaashi <3 

He also texts the whole group chat and Hinata’s equally as excited

Kaori and Hinata were best friends !!!! She literally loved him

Like he would put her on his shoulders and they’d run around for hours

How he has so much energy goes beyond everyone but it’s fun to watch 

You lectured him for half an hour about what he should do in certain situations and unlike most times, he listened really well because :(( the baby cares about Kaori

Both Kaori and him actually walked with you to the train station and saw you off before heading to practice !! 

He normally drives to practice because he has a super nice car and it’s easier to drive with Kaori instead of public transportation

When they get to the gym, he goes running in with Kaori on his shoulders 

“WE HAVE ARRIVEEEED!!!!!!!!” 

cue Hinata cheering super loudly

Kaori’s giggling and being all cute omg i love her

She was being carried in on her dad’s shoulders so Bo lets her down and she immediately runs (read: waddles quickly) to Hinata

“Hinata-nii!!!!”

Hinata starts crying-- jk, no

He goes “Kaori-chan!” and scoops her up in his beefy arms 

BEEFY HINATA BEEFY HINATA BEEFY HINATA

Sorry

She’s giggling and she like kisses his cheek and everyone’s like “so cute...” ohmyogd babies

Similar to her dad, she’s super friendly!! and a bit simple minded

It’s literally in her blood to not actually hate anyone so she gets along with EVERYONE at practice

She even makes the coach super soft omg

Atsumu’s just watching her and being like “child. want. child-- oh god, i need a kid.” cause she’s just so god damn cute

Lol atsumu having twins cause it’s a gene or smth idk biology

I barely passed bio please spare me <3

I actually got an 80 smth on my final last year don’t listen to me

Sakusa being hesitant at first to be near her but she’s actually super sweet to him!!

CAUSE LIKE HER DAD SHE’S ACTUALLY REALLY EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT AND CAN READ PEOPLE REALLY WELL

like she saw Sakusa’s face and was like “oh!! I remember what dad said!!” 

Kou talks about his teammates a lot and somehow Kaori remembered him telling her about how Sakusa’s a germaphobe so she’s like

“Sir!! I washed my hands!! I’m not dirty!!” and he

He just 👁👄👁 

He thinks she’s cute and treasures her now

Suddenly Kaori has a whole team of dads

it’s okay

Bokuto itching to let her play volleyball but at the same time worrying about her if she does

It’s like the angel and the devil on his shoulders

One sides like

let her pLAY!!!!! LET HER PLAY (read it as if it’s the LEt ME INNN meme)

While the other sides like

👁👄👁 (y/n) will kill me if she gets hurt and i’ll kill myself if she gets hurt and hinata will kill me if she gets hurt-

In the end he gives her a volleyball after she asks once and he’s like ‘PFFT KAORI-CHAN IF YOU INSIST’ while she’s like

dude i asked to play once and normally someone disagrees with me tf are you on, sir? 

she tries to pick the ball up but it ends up being half her size and it’s just... such a cute image

Bo takes a picture of it and sends it to you!!

You reply back in seconds lol

Kou-kun ❤💖 [image.jpeg] LOOK AT HER!! FUTURE PRO (Y/N)-CHAN!! (Y/N) MY LOVE ❤💕❤💕💕❤💕❤💕 be careful letting her hold that it’s too big!! but so cute!!! have fun taro <3

He ends up taking the ball away after a bit because she can’t walk while holding it

Eventually practice has to start tho so he asks her to sit on the bench and she’s an obedient angel and does so !!

The whole time she’s like swinging her legs and watching her dad practice

It’s fun for her to see him play 

Okay but like I’ve said, she’s similar to her dad

At one point at practice during a break, she stole Atsumu’s water and was running around the gym with him chasing her

He was ofc not actually chasing her cause he found it cute that she was trying to steal his stuff

Lol Sakusa being like “oh, you can’t catch up to a child? are your knees getting bad, old man?”

Atsumu’s like “bro, we’re the same age”

Sakusa ignores him

She ends up TRIPPInG AND ATSUMU’s LIke “Oh fuck” 

SHE CRIES

omg Bokuto’s like “tsum tsum-- do you want to die 👁👄👁🗡” because she just got hurt because of him

Atsumu picks her up and is apologizing so god damn much

This is the first time anyone’s seen Bokuto remotely irritated

Kaori: WAAAHHHH

Atsumu: please, child... i don’t want to die today... please... shhhhhhh

He lets her down and she walks (read: waddles) over to her dad and is giving him puppy eyes omg

Bokuto stops being mad and scoops her up and he’s like “did Kao-chan get a boo boo” and she nods, sniffling

Ohmygod dad bokuto dad bokuto dad bokuto stop

suddenly I actually want kids

no

Shion ends up getting a first aid kit since Meian asked (woah more black jackals players except I don’t really know how to write for them??? woahhh)

Shion roasts Atsumu with Sakusa for letting her fall and suddenly Atsumu’s the bad guy

lol

By the end of practice tho Kaori’s fine !!!

She’s back to her regular happy self so cute :(

She asks Bo to call you and when you pick up she shows you her bandaid on her knee and is like “Miya-san was chasing me and I fell!!”

Suddenly Atsumu feels a cold chill and knows you found out lol

Hi this is (y/n), and you’re watching disney channel-

good luck, atsumu *stops camera*

Kageyama Tobio

He

sigh

He would be equally as confused as a father as Ushijima

It’s okay, he’s trying his best

You normally work from home so you guys haven’t really hired a nanny! 

And if you needed someone to watch your guys’ son, Sho (which can mean to fly oho see what I did there I’m so smart), you just drop him off at your parents’ house or Miwa’s!

WAIT SHO... SHOYO... WAIT I DIDN’T EVEN DO THIS ON PURPOSE IM LITERALLY

However, today was the only time you had to go in for like the next few months and both your parents and Miwa are busy

So, you enlist in your husbands help

“Tobio... I need you to watch Sho...” 

He spits out his milk “wHAT” cause like,, he’s hardly taken care of Sho by himself and normally had either his sister or you around

He doesn’t actually spit out his milk-- you’d kill him if he did because it would be a pain in the ass to clean up <3

It takes a bit of convincing being he’s really nervous about taking care of Sho!!

Okay but he’s a great dad dw it’s just he’s nervous about having another human being literally rely on him completely

You also just remind him that Romero’s a father so he won’t be completely on his own while taking care of Sho

So he somehow gets to the gym with Sho in one piece but he’s literally so stiff like bro, i need you to relax

Hoshiumi yelling “KAGEYAMA SHO!!!!!!!” and Sho (who has actually met the team like two times) goes like “HOFIUMI-SAN!!!!!” 

Sho’s a bit of an energetic bby-- he’s less emotionally constipated than his dad <3

He’s... he reminded you guys of Shoyo and well, you thought it would be nice to name him after his god father

No this isn’t a kagehina post i swear i love them but this is me saying that i love their friendship sm omg stop im gonna cry 402 really just popped into my head again

Hoshiumi getting mad when he sees that Sho has actually grown even though he’s a grown ass man and the little toddler would not, in fact, be catching up that soon

“KAGEYAMA SHO HAVE YOU GROWN >:0000!!!!!” 

Sir, pls... sit down

The Adlers all love Sho since they’ve come into contact with him like twice at games before 

Ushijima just... doesn’t know how to interact with Sho

He just stares down at him and honestly Sho stares back up without fear

Kageyama Sho: no (0) fears 

I think it’s cause his father gives a similar stare sometimes and he just... got used to it

Ushijima gives him that stare and Sho just goes SIGH this again

Jk he’s a baby

He literally looks up at Ushiwaka and gives him this cute ass grin and Ushijima’s like “oh, children are very cute.”

Thank you, Wakatoshi-kun

Romero does, in fact, give Kags some tips about fathering and ends up showing pictures of Rubens to the team (love that) 

OKAY BUT LIKE OFF TOPIC FROM THE PRACTICE BUT

Sho being such a big fan of Hinata and being like “woAHHH!!! I’M NAMED AFTER HIM!!!” 

Hinata rubs it in Kags face because Sho practically idolizes him

anyways

Practice starts and Sho’s just sitting on the gym floor with a volleyball in his hands cause he

Kags just giving newborn Sho a volleyball and expecting him to become acquainted

It worked

Sho’s used to holding onto volleyballs and even tries to hit it but everytime he did, he’d fall backwards onto his lil bum and would be like :(

Kageyama watching from the other side of the gym and his heart just goes AHHHHHHHHHH

He’s about to cry that is the cutest thing he’s ever seen

Sho making sure he doesn’t interrupt practice!!! and like chasing after the ball to make sure it doesn’t go onto the courts!!!

Cute babs is so good :(

He ends up tripping tho and starts to tear up and Kags is watching during practice and goes “OH GOD”

He’s literally whipping his head from Sho to his coach and has this desperate look on his face 

he’s saying “JUST ONE BREAK!! JUST ONE, SIR!!” with his eyes and his coach just gives in

Kageyama going from one side of the gym to the next at insane speed

Sho: dad :((( i hwurt my knee :(((

Kags just picks him up and cradles him to his chest (he does this after making sure there’s no blood or anything-- it’s literally just a little bit red) 

Kags being a good dad just... WEAK

Only like two minutes later, Sho stops sniffling and is like “!!! go back to practice daddy!!” 

Kags does and he can’t focus on Sho anymore cause his coach would yell at him asldfjlsf

At the end of practice, Sho is like “dad i wanna play voweyball!!!!!!” and Kags heart just CLENCHES

He grabs his heart like that meme or smth 

You call them cause you know when practice normally ends and Sho’s just talking a lot and it’s so cute

He’s super excited and you’re like !!! My CUTE CHILD !!!!

Lol you tease Kags cause he was worrying about nothing

“Maybe I’ll let you take care of him by yourself more often Tobio” “Pls, I lost ten years of my life when I saw him fall pls not yet <3″ 

[aesthbaby]

You’re going to be okay

Summary: Reader and Emily meet as ghosts in a hospital after a case

Pairings: Reader x Emily Prentiss (Emily x JJ implied)

Prompt: Reader and Emily as ghosts haunting the same place (School, hospital, house, whatever). Reader has been dead for a few years and helps Emily deal. They end up liking each other and maybe have ghost fun all over the place. ;)

Warnings: a handful of curse words | death | sadness

Word Count: 4k

Master List 

Pt. 2

“What the hell...” the agent looks around the bright hospital room, she’s standing in the middle of the hallway while nurses and doctors rush past her. “Excuse me,” she reaches out to a nurse but the woman walks right past her. She turns in circles with a very confused expression.

“You’re okay,” you say as Emily whirls around to face you.

“I’m sorry, what?” She’s pretty and younger than most of the people you encounter.

You try to walk closer to her but she backs away and rests her hand on her gun. You laugh a little at that, but now comes the hard part. “I’m not going to hurt you. To be technical, I wouldn’t be able to do that even if I wanted to.”

“Wha-” she stammers, more people come rushing past the two of you. “Hey, that’s my team!” she starts to run after them but you appear in front of her, effectively blocking her path.

“Trust me, you don’t wanna do that.”

“Why can’t they see me?” she asks.

“Come with me.” you offer your hand but she doesn’t take it. You transport both of you into an empty inpatient room. “What’s your name?” you ask with a small smile but her eyes are narrowed on yours.

“I need to get back to my team.” she stands up and tries to head for the door but you block her path again. “How are you doing that?”

“Please,” you say softly while gesturing to the bed. “Sit down.” When you don’t make a move to faultier she reluctantly sits down on the hospital bed. “What’s your name?”

“Supervisory Special Agent Emily Prentiss.” she answers professionally.

“Emily.” you say softly. “My name’s y/n but you can call me y/n/n’

“What is going on?” her eyes look a bit glossy but something tells you she’s not going to cry in front of you. You look into her dark eyes, she looks so tired and hurt. “Am I...” she chokes, almost shedding a tear. “Dead?” She whispers the word like it’s forbidden and she’ll be in trouble for saying it. Like she doesn’t want to accept the reality of it all.

You take her hand and squeeze it reassuringly. “Emily-”

“Just tell me!” She demands 

After a minute of silence you whisper, “Yes.” That’s when the dam cracks and you see a tear glide down her cheek.

“What happened?” she asks after a moment. Some spirits you’ve talked to have been completely distraught when they die because they remember how horrible their death was and how it all felt but luckily for her, she doesn’t remember yet. Which makes your job of transitioning her a lot easier.

“You were shot while working on a case, by someone your team calls ‘unsub.’ There’s another woman here by the name of ‘JJ,” her ears perk up at the mention. “You sacrificed yourself for her, the gun was aimed at her but you stood in the way. The bullet exited your body and went into her shoulder. JJ suffered a flesh wound but you didn’t make it out.” As you finish you see that her face is now full of despair, tears, and grief. “But that was a few days ago,” with her confused facial expression you continue, “To be fair I’m not completely positive about the timeline,” you almost laugh but now isn’t the time. “Spirits, ghosts if you may, do not have the greatest perception of time.” she doesn’t look very amused so you move on. “You were stuck in a type of limbo for a while but now you’re here.” You gesture around the room.

Now her face has morphed into a look of frustration. Uh oh...

“You say that like its a good thing.” She stands and marches out the room before you can do or say anything. When you catch up to her you decide not to stop her.

“Emily, where are you going?” You practically jog alongside her. Damn this girl can run.

“Where do you think I’m going? I need to find my team. She stops in her tracks when she realizes you’re both back where you started. “What the-” she looks up bright at the ceiling and squints from the overwhelming light.

“Ah,” you touch her arm in hopes of getting her attention. “You don’t want to do that.”

“Why is everything so bright?” she asks while rubbing her eyes.

“Its always like that for new spirits, you’ll get used to it.”

“New spiri-” shit she looks angry “I’m not a spirit, ghost, whatever you want to call it.” She looks agitated, please don’t fuck this up. You’ve done your job well for years but there’s something different about her.

“Okay,” you hold your hands out towards her. “What do you want to do Emily?” you try to reason with her.

“I want to see my team.” she says sadly, it looks like she’s about to cry again.

“You want to see your team, okay, I can do that.” She nods in agreement and then starts to cry but only a little. “Emily, who do you really want to see?”

“Huh?” She looks up in confusion. 

“Who do you really want to see?” You ask gently and a lot slower. “JJ? Is that who you want to check on?” She stares for a minute and then nods. “Okay,” she then starts to cry even more. “I can do that for you.” She collapses in your arms and you stroke her back sympathetically. While her head’s in your arms you transport both of you to the room where the woman named JJ is. She’s fixing coffee for herself in one of the ‘close family’ waiting rooms. They’re usually a lot smaller than the main waiting rooms and aren’t open to the public. Her arm is in a sling and she’s still wearing her work clothes. No wonder Emily is crazy about her, she’s beautiful. “See,” you lightly nudge Emily “She’s fine.”

The agent stands straight and looks over at JJ, she lets out a sigh of relief like she was holding her breath before. “She’s okay.” She walks over to the blonde and tries to hug her but she goes right through. She looks down at her hands like they’re foreign to her, then she starts to stammer.

“You can’t touch her Emily,” You pause before continuing, debating on if you should tell her the next part. “At least not right now.” Her red-rimmed eyes shoot up towards yours.

“What does that mean?”

“New ghosts are sort of the equivalent of newborns; weak and fragile, also very powerful in their own way. You know, with the strong lungs, untouched sense of taste, strong grips, and how close they are to the supernatural world. New spirits have light sensitivity, memory issues, time distortion, and have basically no control over their abilities. Not being able to touch, interact, or disrupt the physical world is one of the abilities you cannot control.”

“But I can try?” she looks hopeful “Right?”

“No Emily that’s not a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“Irrational ideas are also prominent in new ghosts. You’re pretty smart Agent Prentiss and if you were in your right mind you’d know this is a crap idea.”

“So what am I supposed to do?”

“Even if you could interact with her what would you do? Hug her? Write a note to her?” Her face gets even sadder, you take her hands in yours. “You’re not apart of their world anymore, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be there for them.” you pull away from her “I’ll give you some time alone with her. Just sit with her for a bit, say your piece, do whatever you need to do.” Before leaving you turn back to her. “Although you cannot interact with her, she can still feel your presence. You love her?” she doesn’t say anything but its quite obvious. “Yeah, well if your love is strong enough, just you being here will give her a sense of comfort. I always hear doctors say that to the grieving but trust me, it’s real.” When you leave the room you make sure to stay close. Just in case Emily needs you or you have to stop her from trying to see herself.

What’s happening to her is sad and all but over the years you’ve seen thousands upon millions of spirits. The stories you’ve heard have been horrific, romantic, sad, violent, and on rare occasions, happy. A pedophile died in this hospital after being beaten within an inch of his life by a group of high school kids. Obviously it’s not something to be cheery about but he finally got what he deserved in the most painful way possible. Watching him wander through the halls covered in blood was entertaining and a happy ending for all. You watched him go into the darkness and the world felt a little lighter. Now he’s where he belongs.

 There was also a couple that sacrificed themselves for each other. It kind of reminded you of Romeo and Juliet. 

At some point all of the stories start to blur together, still, you remember them all. Its why you’re here.

“She’s going to be okay.” you hear Emily say from behind you. Her face is littered with tears so you decide to pull her in for a brief hug. “Right now she’s on the phone with Will, her husband.” There’s definitely a problem there. Sounded like she wanted to barf at the mention of him. “He and the kids are on their way here.” She takes a deep breath. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah sure,” you shrug “Anything.”

“You said I was stuck in Limbo for a while, what did you mean by that?” Another thing you’re debating telling her, but it wouldn’t do any good to hold back.

“When people go into comas or any type of unconscious state they are brought to this empty mental space. It’s basically a representation of your self conscious, your safe space if you will. Everyones’ looks a little different. Most of the time you’ll have a spirit guide talking you through it. On rare occasion, there are some people who do not have a guide so your brain will use someone closest to you in order to help you through it. They usually help you decide what’s next.”

“Who was mine?”

“No idea.” and I’m met with a scuff “Its not my department.”

“Depart-” she narrows her eyes on you. “What is this a corporation?”

“No Emily its not like that.” Before you can finish she’s already walking away from you but she can get too far you blimp in front of her. “Only you know the answer to that question, I can’t get into your head. I only know a limited amount of information about Limbo because its not my place.”

“Then how do you know so much about me?”

“I...”

“Exactly!” I’m going to need this woman to stop storming off in the middle of a conversation. “You know a hell of a lot more than you’re letting on.”

“I’m telling you everything you need to know.” You ineffectively defend yourself.

She scuffs “What you're doing is proving my point.”

“Alright,” you stop her “Ask me anything.”

She seems to consider it and then after a minute, she begins. “Who are you?”

You’re speechless for a second, surprised by her first question. “Excuse me?”

“Who are you? You’ve told me nothing about yourself except your name. So who are you” Wow! You’re very forward.

“I’m honestly not sure how to answer that.”

“Are you a ghost, spirit, whatever?” She crosses her arms defensively.

“Yes. What else would I be?” you laugh a little at that.

She shrugs, “How do you seem to know so much about me?”

“Because I heard your team talking and sometimes I just get a feeling.” At her suspicious expression, you continue. “I’ve been around so long and met so many different people that I have sort of a 6th sense. I also heard your people talking about you and the incident.”

Her face morphs into that of sympathy.“How long have you been here?”

“Not long, a few years, maybe four or five. Its hard to tell. All I have to go on is medical charts, calendars, and other spirits.”

“What did you mean by ‘not my department?”

“It’s not a job in the sense  you’re thinking.”

She looks almost hesitant to ask the next question. “How’d you die?”

You take a sharp intake before answering, “I was poisoned.” You feel a tear prick your eyes, you never talk about your death because you’re always busy dealing with everyone else’s. ‘‘The doctors did everything they could but it was too late, it had already reached my bloodstream.”

She looks as if she regrets her actions but if she cared she wouldn’t have asked that question. A bit rude in my opinion. “I’m so sorry.” She rubs your arm lightly.

“It’s okay.” You reassure her. “After my death, I stuck around, I became a Wanderer.” Before she can interrupt you again you quickly answer her unanswered question. “A Wandering spirit is one of the worse kinds. They died way before their time and left too many things unfinished in their life. Usually, your self conscious/Limbo stage is supposed to help with that but since I was never ‘unconscious’ I didn’t go through one.” You want to believe that you’re telling her all of this because she asked but its because she’s easy to talk to. Spirits are very selfish in your experience so its nice to have someone like her here to listen to you. Calling them “selfish” isn’t fair, they suffered major trauma and someone needed to help them through it. “It’s really hard to help a wanderer move on so there’s still 3 or 4 moving around but they don’t bother anyone. Most of them are busy trying to leave the hospital or get back to their bodies.”

“That is so sad.”

“I’ve tried my best to help them and I’ve been pretty helpful over the years but they just would not let go.” you trail off in thought.

“Hey,” she rubs your arm again. “What about you?”

“What about me?” You repeat confused.

“You said you were one. What happened?”

“I figured it out.” You shrug nonchalantly “There was no one around to help me so I helped myself. All of the spirits I ran into were also lost but they found their way. It’s complicated I know. So I started to take notes on their experiences and applying them to myself. Whenever I would meet a very religious person I’d rack their brains on how they felt about all of this. You’d be surprised by the number of priests I’ve met.” you both laugh at that, she has the most beautiful smile you’ve seen in a while. “Instead of moving on, I decided to stay and assist the new spirits with their transition.”

“You’re allowed to do that?”

“The invitation doesn’t expire...or at least that’s what I’m told.” You immediately regret revealing the last part to her.

“What you’re told?” She repeats. You panic a bit and try to walk away but the brunette quickly grabs you by the forearm and turns you around. “Hey, no that’s my thing remember? Now, who told you that?”

You weigh your options and telling her the truth seems to be one of the worst ones but something about Agent Prentiss makes you want to tell her all of your secrets. “A saint.”

“A saint?”

“Yes, a saint.”

“Like in the bible?” She asks completely baffled.

“Actually the Catholics got it wrong, they’re not at all like what we were taught growing up. Apparently, there was word that a wandering spirit found their way and stayed to help others transition. Said spirit being myself. He basically came to bestow his blessings and let me know the invitation doesn’t expire.”

“So God is real? Heaven is real?” Never took her for the religious type.

“Truth is, I don’t really know Emily. Its more complicated than heaven and hell. Black and white. God and science. Its not my place to tell you what to believe in.”

“Fair enough.” After a beat of silence she asks, “So what do we do now?”

“What do you want to do?” you ask softly.

She takes a deep breath before answering, “I want to see my team.”

“Are you sure? I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Yeah,” she shrugs your concern off “I’m sure. Can you take me?” 

You nod and then take her hand in yours. You take her to her room, lucky for you her team is all standing outside of the room while the morgue nurses take care of her. When ghosts see their bodies there tends to be a bad reaction. When she sees her team there seems to be a level of tension lifted off her shoulders. She really does love them, and they love her back. They’re a family, not a team. You give them some time alone while you contemplate your choices. Am I doing a good job or making this worse for her?

Your thoughts are interrupted by her walking up to you, she’s not crying but you can tell she wants to. “I uh,” she stumbles “Are they going to be okay? I want them to get through this.”

“They’ll be okay Prentiss.” you stroke her crossed arms.

“How do you know that?”

“Like I said agent, I’ve met enough spirits to know how death affects a family.” She’s not buying this. “Look I can call in a favor if you don’t believe me.” Why are you offering this? Favors are a one time thing and you might need it.

“Could you call in that favor for me? Please?”

You smile at her and then nod. “Of course Emily, but in order for me to do that I need you to do me one teeny favor.”

“Anything.”

You transport both of you into the floral courtyard. “You have to stay here while I call in that favor.”

“Why?”

“Emily, you have to stay here. I don’t need you running around causing trouble for yourself.”

She gives you a very suspicious look before reluctantly agreeing. You don’t trust her answer so you make sure to stay nearby while praying to Saint Francis of Assisi, he’s the one that owes you.

After convincing him that this is necessary and you’re doing this for the right reasons, he agrees. “There’s something different about her? Tell me what it is.”

“No.” You flat out tell him. “Remember what I said about asking nicely when you want something.”

“Please, excuse my actions dear, it appears that I am out of conversational practice.” 

“Its okay France.” you laugh “Now can you please help me help her?”

“Of course, whatever you desire.” He plucks the image into your brain. “Next time I am near we must discuss your muse.

You laugh again at his antics, “Whatever you say France. Whatever you say.”

When you return to the courtyard to discover its deserted. “Shit!” You pick up your feet and make a mad dash through the hospital but it ends shortly with Emily standing in the middle of the pediatric hallway. “Hey!” you grab her shoulder but she doesn’t turn around. “I thought I told you to stay put.”

Her eyes are fixated elsewhere, almost trance like. “The girl, she was crying.” she points in front of her and you follow her line of sight. “Why is she crying? Why isn’t anyone helping her?”

She wasn’t meant to find the pediatric unit. You were supposed to keep her as far away from here as possible. “Emily...” the words fall dead on your lips. She walks out from under your touch and toward the crying child. “Hi.” she says while crouching down her eye level. “My name’s Emily. What’s your name?” The child’s cries dialed down to puppy like whining.

“Jonah.” She can’t be older than 6 years old. She’s in her pajamas with a small blank and little brown bear. “My friends call me Jo.”

“What’s wrong sweetheart?” she begins to wipe the child’s tears with the pad of her thumb.

“My- my- my mommy, she-” the poor girl could barely get anything out through the sniffling.

She shushes the baby and pulls her into her arms. “Its okay Jonah, you’re okay.”

After her breathing starts to steady she says, “My mommy and daddy are crying and they can’t see me.” She then starts to cry again and Emily just holds her tighter.

“Jonah,” she pulls her away so she can look into her eyes. “My friend here,” she looks over her shoulder to you. “Is going to help you. Okay?” The kid just nods in response. “You have to go with them, okay?

“I don’t want to leave my mommy and daddy.” she whines.

“I know, I know but...” she draws “You can take your blanky and bear with you.” she promises with a big smile. “Okay?”

“Can you go with me?” Emily looks back at you for approval but you just shrug.

Another thing about ghosts is that the children, especially the younger ones, are easier to convince. It makes your job significantly easier but that doesn’t make it any less depressing.

So you take them into the light with Emily holding the child’s hand. “All you have to do is walk through Jonah. Its better on that side.”

She looks up at Emily and then back at you. “Promise?” she holds out her pinky and you instantly take it.

“Promise.” 

She looks towards Emily for confirmation. “Its okay.” She lets her hand go and before crossing, she looks at you and Emily one last time, then waves goodbye.

“You’re disturbingly good at that. Your job requires you to work with kids often?”

“In the worst circumstances.” she answers. “Now,” she turns to you “My team.”

“Your family, Agent Prentiss, and don’t worry they’re going to be fine.” The clips of her loved ones start to play in your head.

“How do I know that?” 

“What so you don’t trust me anymore?” you joke but she doesn’t laugh “Sorry, right. Give me you hands.”

“Why?”

“Just give me your hands Agent Prentiss.” She slowly gives you her hands. “Take a deep breath for me, Softie.” She actually laughs/huffs a little at that. “Are you ready?” She nods and you begin to release the clips into her subconscious; it implants itself like a memory. When you finish you open your eyes she’s surprisingly not in tears, hell I know I would be if I wasn’t so numb to grief. The clips are a perfect combination of tragedy and joy but in the end, they’re okay.

“So,” She adjusts herself “Do I want to know what you had to do to pull that off?”

“I blew a god.” at her wide eyed reaction you burst into a fit of laughter. “I’m kidding Prentiss, I’m kidding.”

“Oh haha very funny.” She soon joins in on your laughter and oh my god it sounds amazing. “Hey,” She gets your attention and looks deeply into your eyes. “Thank you for that. Really.”

You pull her in for a big hug and while her head’s down you take both of you to the green yard. (Another courtyard in the middle hub.) There’s a ton of miniature yards with different themes in order to help patients get fresh air and a better view without putting themselves in harm’s way. The kids love the butterfly garden the most, directly in the middle of the pediatric wing. Your favorite is this one but you have no idea what its meant to be called so you just call it the Green Yard. She lets go of you and now you’re both left with a comfortable silence. “What do we do now?” She asks you for the 3rd time and I’m not even sure how to answer.

“Are you ready to move on?”

“Am I ready to go into the light you mean?” You know for a smart person she asks some dumb questions.

”Yeah.” you nod, “If you’re ready I can take you.”

“Actually,” she pauses while stepping towards you. “I’d like to stay.” Well that one threw you for a complete loop. At your facial expression she continues. “Not forever of course and only if the said ‘invitation’ you talk about doesn’t expire.”

“You- you want to stay?” you stutter.

She nods with all serious. “Why would I be in rush a rush to leave when I could help other spirits? You saw that little girl! She had no one.”

“Yes well this isn’t a decision to take likely.” You offer her a small smile but she doesn’t take it. Her face is stoic and is giving me major compartmentalization vibes.”Emily do you seriously want to continue helping victims even in the afterlife?”

“Yes. I do.” She takes one of your hands. “There’s nothing I’d rather do.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧:*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Part 2/ is here

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #454

“last thing i remember, i was running for the door  /  i had to find the passage back to the place i was before”

Last thing you bought online? Did you like it? I have no clue. Could you date someone who didn’t drive (and didn’t show an interest in ever getting their license, either)? I don't know. Public transportation isn't a big thing here at all, and even whenever I get my license, my partner needing to get somewhere while I'm needed elsewhere could be problematic. I think it would also depend on why they don't want their license. Like if they had a traumatic wreck, I couldn't blame them. How would you react if your artwork became famous? That'd be fucking amazing. Would you get your nipples pierced? I've briefly considered it. I ultimately wouldn't, though. How many people know your birthday? Without the assistance of Facebook, a few, I guess. My immediate family, Sara, uhhhh... Has anyone ever tried to ruin a relationship you were in? Yes, and it worked. For the better, though. He had a bad reputation. Have you ever watched a whole hour long infomercial? Ha, yes, this one time with Girt. It was a vacuum infomercial. We were just really bored at my place and... okay, I have no justification for watching that whole thing lmao. What is your current MySpace song? I still remember it was "Pocketful of Sunshine" by Natasha Beddingfield lmaooo. What is your favorite kind of meat to put on your sandwich? Ham. Which one of your exes do you feel like you have the most chemistry with? Sara or Jason, idk. How do you feel about people who make Facebook profiles for their pets? I don't care. Have you ever personally known a pair of conjoined twins? No. What was the most disturbing thing you have ever heard your mother say? Mom and my older sister got in a fight once and Mom yelled that she was a slut. I don't know why, but... it never left me, and I GUARANTEE it never left Ashley (who is not a "slut," by the way). This was when she was a teenager, so it's been many years and I can absolutely promise you Mom regrets it, big time. I don't even have to ask. Is there something in particular you like to look at photos of? What is it? Mark and meerkats, ha ha. Chewy chocolate-chip cookies: like or dislike? Chewy is the way to GO. If your boyfriend/girlfriend wanted to dress only in the opposite sex’s clothing, would you support that? If not, would you leave them? I wouldn't care. I'm pansexual, anyway. Anyone can be attractive to either gender's clothes to me. I think assigning clothes to a specific gender is dumb, anyway. Do you think your grandmother is/was beautiful? I only remember how my maternal grandmother looked, and yeah, she was a pretty lady. Which of your fields of interest are you a total expert on? Mark, ha ha. I know way too much on a person I've never met. When was the last time you got all dolled up? Not since last October when I did a witchy Halloween shoot with friends. Do you ever name objects? (i.e. mp3 players, guitars, cars, etc.) No. Do you have a criminal record? No. Last person you took a nap with? Sara, years ago. Well, unless you count my cat. He always comes running when he hears me getting comfy in bed, ha ha. Does seeing your mother cry automatically make you feel sad as well? Yes, and angry because I want to stop whatever it is making her cry, but I usually can't. Do you think someone likes the same person you like? I have no idea. Do you want your life to stay the way it is right now forever? God no. Have you ever been to craigslist.com? Yes; I've adopted and rehomed pets from there. What about eBay? Mom's bought stuff from there. Have you ever used Nair? Yes, on my legs. It's just as exhausting as shaving with how thick my hair is. Are you medicated? I think I'm on too much medication, personally. I want to try weaning off my OCD prescription, because I haven't had problems in a long time, but my psychiatrist doesn't want to? Which is odd to me because when I came to him, he was stunned by how many different meds I was on. He's concerned that the symptoms will just re-emerge, but like... I've beaten OCD before, for many years. I can do it again. I trust him with my life though, because he saved it, so I just go with what he says, honestly. Do you shape/fill in your eyebrows? No. Have you ever stolen/borrowed clothes from an ex? I've worn Jason's pajama pants before because I found men's pj pants more comfortable, and besides, sometimes I spent the night when I didn't plan to and needed something more comfortable than jeans. Could you make a statement about anything political? Texas' new "heartbeat bill" is fucking bullshit and is going to get so many women killed from DIY abortions. Do you think you’ve already met your soulmate? I don't believe in soulmates, but I do believe I met the person I loved more than I could ever possibly love somebody else again. Do you get the feeling something good will happen in your life soon? Fuck if I know. Do you enjoy romantic movies, even when they’re cliche? Yes. Have you been to McDonald’s in the past month? Yes. Have you ever slept over at your best friend’s house? I have. How often do you go bowling? Very, very rarely. I haven't been since I was on a date at the end of 2017, I wanna say??? Or was it '18??? Last time you were in an apartment? Not since Colleen still lived in one and I was visiting her. Have you ever seen a live seahorse? Yeah, in aquariums. Would you like to have your own yacht? I mean I wouldn't say no if you offered it to me for free, but I'm not exactly interested in one. I'd probably just give it to my dad. He'd be on Cloud 9. Winnie the Pooh or Tigger? Pooh! :^) What’s the unhealthiest thing you’ve eaten today? A brownie with caramel drizzle. Mom bought a box of them to split between Ash and her family and us, so I had one. :x Thankfully though she gave more to Ash, because I don't like having treats in the house for my weight's sake, but a little something sweet occasionally keeps you sane when you're trying to lose weight. Has a stranger ever offered to buy you a drink? Ew, no. What is something you’d be happy to receive as a gift, that doesn’t cost a lot? I'd really appreciate something hand-made, like a drawing or something. What kind of music does your significant other/crush like to listen to? He likes mostly the same stuff as me, but also more indie-ish stuff than me. Who did you have your first kiss with? Do you remember what colour his/her eyes were? Jason. His eyes are brown. Are there any themes from TV shows that you like to sing along to? Supernatural. It's inevitable that I'll sing, ha ha. Do you eat dessert after dinner? Very, very rarely. Have you ever had too much to drink and felt embarrassed about your behavior the next day? No. When you go out drinking, what do you prefer to drink? I don't go out drinking, but if I was to order a drink right now, I'd go for a sangria. That sounds soooo good rn. What was the last animal that you saw? My cat. Venus is in her hide as I'm answering this, so I can't see her. What was the last thing that you said to one of your siblings? I told Nicole bye when she was leaving the other day. What is the most expensive thing that you’ve purchased that you paid for: My snake. What is your favorite messaging program? Discord, nowadays. Do you eat fast food more than 5 times a week? Yikes, no. Have you ever almost drowned? No. Have you ever learned something shocking about someone through Facebook? It wasn't shocking in a bad way, just very unexpected. One of my friends has been an egg donor twice, I wanna say? What’s the scariest living animal that you’ve petted? I have no clue. Nothing that dangerous. Well wait, I shared the story of holding a tarantula before, and I was still kinda nervous to do so when I did. She was a total sweetie, though. Do you remember the first conversation you ever had with the person you currently have feelings for? I actually don't. Other than he got my attention with "lip ring girl," lmao. Do you dread certain days of the week? If yes, what day/s and why? No, because they're all the same to me. If you eat oatmeal, do you have it plain or do you have certain toppings that you like to add to it? I add a bit of sugar. What is the funniest or strangest thing you’ve ever heard somebody say in their sleep? *shrug* Choose one - Butterfinger, Milky Way, Snickers: Milky Way, 100%. Do you use Mozilla Firefox? No, I use Chrome. Who is your favorite person to hug? Sara. Have you ever had to have a mug shot? No. What was the last thing you carried to your room? Water. When was the last time you had a late night phone call? Damn dude, I couldn't possibly tell ya.

[i-write-and-therefore-i-am]

One Monstrous Miracle (Part Four)

Hey guys! I’d meant to get this out earlier today, but I’d also meant for it to be about 3,000 words shorter, so there we are. As always, give this chapter a cheeky little vibe check, and let me know if you find any mistakes! I love you all, enjoy, all those good things. Yay, melatonin! (Pssst! Also, if you’d rather read on Ao3 instead, here it is).

Previous-Next-First

Pairing: Aziraphale/Human!reader

Summary: Tender ANGST. Very angsty, might make you cry, i dunno. 

Warnings: Aziraphale says a word that Microsoft Word told me may offend my readers, but other than that, I think we’re good. Let me know if I missed something! 

Word Count: A WHOPPING 5295!! They’re getting loooooooonger.

This day, like many days, started off deceptively the same as always. Aziraphale had gotten up on the right side of the bed, the weather was not particularly noteworthy, and there was no string of minor accidents that would lead anyone to believe that this was going to be a Very Bad Day Indeed. Nevertheless, unbeknownst to most parties involved, this day was, in fact, going to be a Very Bad Day Indeed, possibly even The Worst Day Ever.

Aziraphale had been feeling happier than he could remember ever having been in his whole life. After you had shown up in his shop after weeks of not speaking to him, the two of you had spent very little time apart. You had resumed your habit of stopping by after work, much to Aziraphale’s great relief. He had missed you dearly, and he was enormously grateful that you had found it in your heart to forgive him. He shuddered when he thought of that night, remembering how terrified you had looked. Aziraphale had truly never felt quite as angry as he had when Crowley had insulted you, and it brought him right back to his younger days as a fiery agent of the Lord, smiting all who dared to cross Her. He had locked that part of him away, and until that fight with Crowley, he had all but forgotten about it. He’d decided very firmly that you would never again see him like that.

Today, Crowley had demanded that Aziraphale come over to his flat to make what he called an “Apocalypse Plan”. Things were getting rather sticky lately, and their search for the true Antichrist seemed fruitless. It was time, Crowley said, to bring out the “big guns”. What those guns were Aziraphale had no idea, but he could only hope that it wasn’t anything too drastic. He had just bought his new coat, after all. He’d made a quick call to you before closing his shop and heading over to Crowley’s.

“I’m terribly sorry my dear, but I’m afraid I don’t know when I’ll be home. Crowley is rather—”

“Difficult. I know, Azi, it’s okay. Take your time.”

Warmth bloomed over Aziraphale, and he couldn’t help the tender smile that worked its way across his face. You were so full of understanding, something that he’d had precious few encounters with during his time on Earth. As much as he loved humans and all their little quirks and flaws, it sometimes bothered him that for most of his life, he had been completely alone. Sure, there was Crowley, and he was absolutely infuriating but somehow endearing, but he was a demon, after all. There were fundamental things that they just would never understand about each other, no matter how long they’d been friends. You were different. You accepted Aziraphale, never questioning him or teasing him (of course you teased him, but never about his weight, or his obsession with books, or how the noises he made when eating sushi) or making him feel the way that the other angels invariably did. It was one of the many reasons he’d found he loved you for.

“Thank you, Y/N. I will call you if I get back earlier than I expect.”

“Thanks, Aziraphale. Have fun with Crowley! Give him my love.”

That was another thing. Aziraphale had been terrified that after such a disastrous first meeting, you would hate Crowley. Somehow, the exact opposite had happened, and after the two of you had gotten used to each other’s presence, you’d become fast friends. Aziraphale hadn’t realized how close the two of you had gotten until Crowley had yanked him into the back room of his shop one night and given him the sternest dressing-down the demon could probably muster, and promised that Aziraphale would regret ever having been created if he hurt you again. “Aren’t you meant to be on my side, dear boy?” Aziraphale had asked bemusedly, feeling very wrongfooted. “Oh, I am. I’ve already talked to her, she’s good. I just need to make sure that you don’t fuck this up, Angel.” Aziraphale had, through his tears, assured him that he had no intention of intentionally hurting you as long as you would have him (as a friend, of course).

“I will. See you soon, my dear.”

“See you. Bye!”

Aziraphale hung up, already missing the sound of your voice. He shut the lights off and headed out of the shop, locking the door behind him. Although he was a celestial being, and most definitely could make himself appear at Crowley’s door with little more than a thought, he found he enjoyed taking public transport. It was blessedly slower than riding in Crowley’s car, and it allowed him time to sit and watch the people around him. Aziraphale found himself strangely emotional as he looked around him at all the advances humans had made over the thousands of years he had walked among them. All the subtleties, the headphones in a young man’s ears, a little girl reading a book half the size of her head, a woman applying hand sanitizer. All these things made his heart ache with admiration. Yes, despite all the atrocities that humanity had perpetuated, Aziraphale knew that the vast majority of them were worth saving. He shifted in his seat, waiting for his stop.

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Aziraphale hadn’t expected the absolute destruction that awaited him when Crowley opened his door twenty minutes later. Papers were littered everywhere, plastered on the wall, hanging from bits of string from the ceiling, and covering nearly every surface in the flat, including much of the floor. Aziraphale tilted his head, surveying the inexplicable damage.

“Are you…quite alright, dear boy?” Aziraphale inquired as Crowley shut the door behind him. Crowley came to stand beside him, and Aziraphale took the opportunity to look his friend over.

Crowley had always been obsessed with his appearance, even in the early days when self-grooming hadn’t quite been invented yet. Crowley was even worse than Aziraphale himself was at times, which was truly frightening. Today, however, seemed to be rather a large exception to the rule. Not one item on the demon’s body matched, even down to his feet, the left of which sported a thick, woolly sock, while the other was covered with bright green fabric with miniature snakes all over. “At least he’s wearing trousers,” Aziraphale thought gratefully. Crowley turned his wild and un-sunglassed eyes towards Aziraphale, and he quickly retracted his gratefulness. The day was not over yet.

“Of course! Why wouldn’t I be? I’m perfectly fine, nothing to worry about. Shall we sit?”

Aziraphale stared, feeling the gears turning almost painfully in his head. What on Earth had happened to Crowley? He had never acted this way, even during the chaos of the witch trials of the 16th and 17th centuries. He seemed…unhinged. As most people are no doubt aware, and if not, they can at the very least assume, an unhinged demon is a very dangerous demon. Aziraphale could do nothing but watch his friend as he pranced over to the desk at the center of the room, trying desperately to think of his next course of action. Crowley gestured impatiently at him and Aziraphale had no choice but to acquiesce. He was nearly to the desk when he was distracted by the sound of rustling leaves in the next room. He tilted his head, listening. His lips pursed in response to what he heard.

“Crowley, I’ve told you before that you simply must take better care of these creatures!” Aziraphale gasped, forgetting everything else. Crowley clicked his forked tongue dismissively.

“They’re just plants, Angel, I don’t understand why you’re always so concerned about them. And I don’t see any problems with them, anyway. Look at how green they are!” Aziraphale could tell that he had directed that last part to the plants, because they all gave a collective, terrified shudder. Aziraphale sighed in resignation and turned to the poor things, cooing and soothing their frayed nerves.

“Don’t mind him, my dears. You’re all lovely, no matter what the evil demon says—”

“I can hear you!”

Aziraphale ignored Crowley in favor of sending cool, calming thoughts to the plants. He didn’t leave them until their leaves stopped trembling. Feeling very satisfied with himself, Aziraphale turned back to the desk. He strode over and sat at one of the (significantly less ornate than Crowley’s own “throne”) chairs, shifting uncomfortably. He waited for Crowley to start explaining himself.

“As you know, the Antichrist is…missing—”

“You could, possibly, skip that bit seeing as we both know this part of the problem,” Aziraphale interjected. He was the very epitome of patience at the best of times, but this was decidedly not the best of times, and he was quite eager to fix this mistake that was all Crowley’s fault and had absolutely no connection to Aziraphale whatsoever. The fate of the world as we know it was at stake, after all. Crowley huffed, clearly upset that Aziraphale had cut off his carefully practiced speech, but Aziraphale really couldn’t find it in him to care (This was a lie: Aziraphale cared a great deal).

“Fine.” Crowley hissed. He opened his mouth to say more, but he was interrupted by insistent knocking at the door.

Silence. Neither of them moved a muscle, staring wide-eyed at each other. Nothing happened for a moment, but then the knocks came again, louder than before. Aziraphale barely kept himself from letting out a pathetic whimper, earning him a deathly glare. Aziraphale started bouncing his leg, trying to resist the urge to open the door. As an angel, it was just not in his character to ignore someone, no matter the context. Crowley knew this about him and was trying to ease his anxiety.

“C’mon angel, leave it be. They’ll leave. It’s probably some teenager trying to sell magazine subscriptions.” Crowley thought at the angel. He knew immediately that he had used the wrong words because Aziraphale’s expression turned into one he knew well—it was the exact one he wore when complaining about how Crowley treated his plants. Aziraphale’s eyes were so full of compassion it nearly made the demon gag with its intensity.

“The poor child! They’re probably selling to provide for their family, or the like. Oh, Crowley, you know I can’t leave them out there!”

Before Crowley could stop him, Aziraphale had jumped up from his chair and was rushing towards the door. A feeling of growing doom washed over him as Aziraphale disappeared behind the wall separating the front door from the rest of the flat. Something was horribly wrong.

Perhaps because he hadn’t been paying enough attention, or because his mind had been so preoccupied with the vision of the poor, snotty-nosed, raggedy youth swimming in his mind, but whatever it was, Aziraphale hadn’t picked up on the same ominous feeling as his demonic counterpart. Guileless, Aziraphale turned the doorknob and swung open the door. The sight that greeted him turned his stomach to lead and set his heart beating faster than it had the right to even think about working. He schooled his features into his usual, easy going smile, all the while thinking desperately at Crowley from across the flat.

“It’s angels. Stay quiet.”

“Michael! And Uriel.” There was a flash of diamond-studded teeth, and Aziraphale felt his throat constrict. “And, ah, Sandalphon. What a surprise! W-What brings you here, exactly?”

“We could ask you the same thing, Aziraphale,” Michael responded, a terrifying glint in their eyes. “It is rather odd to find you here, of all places.” Aziraphale had no idea what to do. He had been caught out, finally, after all these millennia, and he was going to be discorporated, or worse, and there was nothing he could do about it. He was finished. He would never eat sushi again, never dance the gavotte, never see Y/N—

“Here? Whatever do you mean?” Aziraphale inquired, trying to look as innocent as a very clearly guilty person could. Sandalphon snarled but Michael silenced him with a look.

“Here as in the known residence of the demon Crowley, the very same Crowley that you have been providing reports on for last 200,000 years. How very interesting that we would find you here, in his home.” Uriel had always had such a knack for quiet intimidation, and she used it now. Aziraphale gulped, shifting from one foot to the other. He had to think of something, and quickly. Sandalphon broke from the group and moved closer to Aziraphale, so close that Aziraphale nearly went cross-eyed looking down his nose at the shorter being. The angel sniffed at his coat, taking one of the worn lapels and rubbing it in between his clawed fingers.

“Hmm. Smells evil.” He stepped back into rank, glaring at Aziraphale. Aziraphale swallowed hard, praying for strength.

“Well, ah, that would be because…” He trailed off, wracking his brain for anything, literally anything, to tell them. As they were essentially Gabriel’s innermost circle of confidantes in Heaven, Aziraphale knew that if he let them leave this place thinking that he had been working with the enemy instead of against, that would be the end of everything.

“What’s going on?” He heard Crowley thinking at him.

“Shut up! And stay that way.” He could feel Crowley’s indignation, but he obeyed.

“’Because’ what, Aziraphale?” Michael demanded. Aziraphale looked between the three angels, and suddenly, out of nowhere, the words flooded into his mind.

“Because I was doing surveillance!” Aziraphale blurted before he’d had the chance to think about it. The angels frowned, skeptical.

“Surveillance?” Uriel repeated, sharing a look with Michael. Aziraphale nodded, feeling his heartrate slow as his anxiety left him.

“Surveillance, my friends. I have been monitoring Crowley’s actions more closely since the birth of the Antichrist. I decided to have a bit of a peek around here to see if he had any…”

“Information?” Sandalphon supplied.

“That’s the ticket! Information. Unfortunately, you arrived not long after I did, so I haven’t been able to find anything of note just yet—”

“Well, then, let us help you, Aziraphale!” Michael interrupted, moving to push past him into the flat. Aziraphale grabbed their arm, keeping them from moving any further. “What in—”

“Crowley can’t sense my presence, with me being but lowly principality in comparison to you. You, being an Archangel, I can imagine that even Crowley would be able to tell if you’d been in his flat. Your imminence.” Aziraphale saw the slight blush that appeared on Michael’s face at his words. They had always been a bit of a narcissist, and the fastest way into their good spirits would always be cheap and simply flattery. They stepped back, straightening their blazer and clearing their throat.

“That is true. Even so low a demon as Crowley would be able to sense my power. Very well, then, Aziraphale, I’ll leave you to it.  But know that we” they gestured to their companions. Uriel smirked at him while Sandalphon grinned, showing off his sparkling, sharpened teeth. “are watching you.”

With that, the three of them vanished. Aziraphale was left in corridor alone, still trying to come to terms with what had just happened. Slowly he realized that the taste of miracles lingered in his mouth, dancing on the tip of his tongue. This was no ordinary miracle, however. This miracle tasted of mana, of saltwater taffy and just a hint of last week’s winning lottery numbers. How odd. Aziraphale spun around and raced back into the flat to relay everything to Crowley.

“So your people are onto us. Of course it would happen now, of all times. We’ve just gotta be more careful…Angel? What’s wrong?” Crowley had caught sight of the expression on Aziraphale’s face; one of complete and utter despair, like all his dreams had come crashing down around him all at once. Alarmed, the demon pushed out of his chair and came closer to his friend. “Hey, it’s not that bad, we’ve prepared for this—”

“Y/N.” Aziraphale lifted his head to look Crowley in the eye. “She’s in danger. If they’ve been watching me, then they know about her and if they don’t already, they will know soon enough.” Crowley slumped, knowing it was true. He also knew what Aziraphale was about to do next.

“I can’t see her anymore.” If Crowley had had a heart, it would have broken into a million tiny pieces at the raw despair in the Angel’s voice. He knew how you both felt about each other, and how, after spending all that time apart, having to break off your growing relationship off once again would destroy both of you. He said nothing. “They will kill her, Crowley.”

“I know.” Neither of them said anything after that. Aziraphale took a deep, shuddering breath, opened his mouth as if to talk, but then shut it again. Crowley put a hand on his friend’s shoulder.

“But I also know that if you push her away like this, after what happened before, she might not come back,” When Aziraphale met his eyes, he knew that that didn’t matter to the Angel. He loved you so much that keeping you safe meant more to him than being near you. Crowley gave his friend’s shoulder a squeeze and nodded.

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You were running late, not that it truly mattered. Aziraphale had called you an hour ago to tell you that he had, in fact, gotten home from Crowley’s earlier than expected and that you could come over for a spot of cocoa if you wished. You had spent almost 45 minutes trying to get dressed. For whatever reason, you’d decided to try and look nice for a change, rather than your usual scrubs or wrinkled work clothes. A random idea had popped into your head, making you wonder how Aziraphale would react to seeing you in make up for the first time. So, wearing one of your nicest blouses and skirts with your least favorite pair of achy heels, you were speed walking down Aziraphale’s street. The familiar feeling of butterflies in your belly increased in intensity the closer you got to the shop. Maybe today was the day you would finally tell him how you truly felt about him. Then again, maybe it wasn’t.

You weren’t expecting to see Aziraphale standing in the middle of the main room of the shop. Usually he was off in the back or upstairs even, but it was rare to see him out front. Especially when he wasn’t shelving books, which he definitely wasn’t. You frowned, closing the door behind you and moving to stand in front of him. There was something…off about the man today, something that you couldn’t quite put your finger on, but you knew it was there regardless.

“Azi, wha—”

“Hello, Y/N. May I get you some of that cocoa?” Aziraphale started, as though you’d never opened your mouth. You could tell that something was well and truly wrong now—Aziraphale didn’t have an impolite bone in his body. He would never cut you off when you were trying to speak.  Your frown deepened as you tried to look him in the eyes, but he stared resolutely at a point just above your head.

“No, Aziraphale, what’s the matter?” He tilted his head to the side, eyebrows scrunched together as he looked down at you.

“’The matter’? Nothing’s the matter. Everything is fine, my dear.” He paused. You watched as his expression, already more shuttered that you had ever seen it, darken even further, making his face go blank. You were shocked. You had never seen Aziraphale like this, and you had no idea what had happened to make him so…angry? You couldn’t tell. All you could do was wait for him to continue.

A war was raging inside of Aziraphale, as it had been for the last few hours. A million possibilities floated around his mind, each one more ludicrous than the last. He could tell you that he was going on holiday and that you would see him in oooh…never because the world was doomed to end within the year. He could tell you that an old relation had passed away and that he needed to go home to Wales to settle the…whatever it was that humans settled when a loved one died. He could tell you the truth, that he loved you too much to keep you, that he was of the second-highest choir of angels and that some very bad angels were hunting for his golden blood as you spoke. Or he could say nothing, invite you upstairs for some telly and cuddling and continue living in this little bubble that the two of you have lovingly and tenderly created for yourselves. You could go on living in happiness…until, of course, Gabriel found out and smote you quite dead. The thought sent a trail of ice racing down his spine. He shook his head violently. Crowley’s lie it was, then.

“Actually, there is something that I need to speak with you about.” On instinct, your had shot out and reached for his but he pulled his hand back out of your reach. Hurt, you stared at him in shock. What the hell was happening? Was he breaking up with you? Not that the two of you were in a real relationship just yet, but after your talk, after everything, was this the end? Before it had even started? You refused to believe that your Azi could be so cruel.

“I…I can’t. I can’t do this.” Came the harsh nail in the coffin of your dreams. Tears sprang to your eyes but you held them back valiantly. Aziraphale could see them, trembling on your bottom eyelid, threatening to fall and to ruin this whole thing. His next words came out in a hurry, as though he was afraid if he didn’t say them quickly, he wouldn’t say them at all. Perhaps that was true.

“This. Us.” He gestured between the two of you. “Its…superfluous. I’m done with it and I am done with you. You were convenient, naieve and willing at a time when I was bored and lonely. That’s over now, and so is this. You can’t come to the shop anymore. Don’t call me because I won’t answer the phone. We’re done.”  

Now, it is important that you know that angels don’t need to breathe. Well, perhaps that is a bit extreme. They do breathe, they have working cardiorespiratory systems that pump their golden blood throughout their bodies, just not with the same frequency as other life forms. In fact, an angel can hold their breath for years, which you may take anyway you wish. But in this moment, Aziraphale struggled to draw breath. As he watched the tears fall down your cheeks, ruining the liner and mascara that you had no doubt spent a great deal of time perfecting, he knew that there was no coming back from this. You would leave him, you would grow to hate him, if you didn’t already. He would never see you again.

But at least he knew you would be safe.

Aziraphale turned, unable to torture himself any further by watching you cry in front of him and not doing anything about it. His fingers itched to take you into his arms and hold you, to take back everything he had just said, but he restrained himself. This was how it had to be. He squared his shoulders, speaking without turning back,

“I’m sure you can show yourself out.” That was it. The last time he would ever lay eyes on you and he couldn’t even bring himself to look you in the eye. Gabriel was right, he had always been right. God had made some terrible mistake, appointing him a Principality. “Angel of the Eastern Gate” his divine bollocks. More like sniveling, fat coward who fails at everything and—

Aziraphale looked down to see your hand, smaller and softer than his own, covering his. He frowned at it, his grief-addled brain taking longer than normal to come up with an explanation. Surely you had stormed out of the shop in angry tears, vowing to hate the thought of him forever. How could your hand be here, slipping its fingers through his and intertwining themselves together as though they belonged that way? He turned his head, seeing that your hand was, in fact, connected to your arm, which was, surprise upon surprise, connected to you. You were still there, blotchy faced and bright-eyed, but still there, standing in his shop, stubbornly refusing to leave even after he had said all those terrible things to you. He raised an eyebrow at you, feeling faint headed.

“Do you hate me?” You asked, feeling very brace. Aziraphale turned around to face you fully, unable to believe what you had just asked him.

“No! Not—”

“Did I do something to offend you? Or to make you angry with me?” Aziraphale shook his head. He had to force you to leave him, but he found that he couldn’t let you leave thinking that he felt those awful things about you.

“Then why are you doing this to me? Is someone forcing you for whatever reason. Just tell me the truth, Azi,” At this, she gave his hand a gentle squeeze. “I will try to understand.”

And it was then, that Aziraphale finally understood. Of course you would . You were kind, and patient, and the most forgiving soul he had ever met on Earth. Of course you would see through his veneer and into his true self, the one that called out to you even as he tried to push you away. He didn’t say anything at first, trying to filter his words and find the right things to say. Being as perfect as you always were, you stood there, eagerly waiting but not pushing. He did not deserve you in his life. He stepped forwards, bringing his free hand to grasp your other hand. He brought them up to his chest, resting over his heart.

“Alright. Alright, I am going to tell you something, but I cannot explain, and I cannot tell you anything more than what I am about to say. You must promise me that you won’t ask any questions until I tell you to.” “When will that be?” Aziraphale cracked a small smile, but it melted away as soon as it had appeared.

“I’m afraid I don’t know, my dear. But you must trust me. Please.” He could see the familiar fire of defiance in your eyes as you hesitated to respond. But once again, he stood in awe as you nodded.

“Yes. Of course I trust you, Azi. Tell me what’s wrong.” He was not able to stop himself from bending his neck to press a grateful kiss to your hands. You gasped quietly but said nothing. He began.

“Thank you. You’ve no idea how much that means to me. I’ll get straight to it: being with me puts you in a very real, very serious sort of danger. Know that I wouldn’t dream of putting you through all of this unless it was so serious. I cannot bear the thought that your life may be in danger because of me.” He paused, watching your face, trying to figure out what you were thinking. He could read your mind, of course, but that would be terribly improper. Instead, he had to deal with this the hard way—difficult conversation.

“So…my life is in danger?”

“When you are with me, yes. I am truly sorry, Y/N. I wish things were different. I find that I…” He trailed off, caught in your beloved gaze, and he found that he could no longer hold back. Not when this was the last time he would be with you. It was now or never, and never was certainly not a legitimate option. “I find that I have fallen in love with you. Yes. I…I love you, Y/N, and that is exactly why I must keep you as far away from me as I can. I need you to be safe, and I would never forgive myself if something happened to you because of me.”

Your face did the most extraordinary thing. For a second, you stared at Aziraphale, understandably overwhelmed with all of this new information he had thrown at you. He waited, as courteous as ever, for you to piece it all together. When you did, your face bloomed into the most radiant smile Aziraphale had ever seen. His heart leapt in his chest at the sight, so wholly unprepared for something so beautiful.

“I understand. I really do understand, Aziraphale.” You said, inexplicably. Aziraphale felt on the verge of tears as he looked at you and saw that you were telling the truth. Hope flooded him, fierce and intense, and for the first time in hours, he thought that maybe he didn’t have to lose you forever. Maybe this wasn’t goodbye. You kept going. “I can’t say that this doesn’t hurt, because it does. Because…I love you too. I have done for months and I’ve always been too afraid to tell you. But I might as well tell you now, so you don’t go moping around without me.” You both chuckled at that. You stayed still for a few moments, drinking in this last bit of time together for the foreseeable future. You knew it couldn’t last, however much you wanted it to, and so eventually, you pulled your hands gently out of his and took a step back.

“So this is goodbye, I suppose?” You asked, already missing his warmth. He nodded, feeling much the same way.

You stood and watched each other, trying to commit the other’s face to memory. Neither of you knew when you would be seeing each other again. Impulsively, you sprung forwards, startling Aziraphale with your sudden movement towards him. He wasn’t sure what you were up to, but he found out almost instantaneously, as he felt your soft lips press a small kiss against his cheeks. Heat rushed through his body, but he was able to control himself—barely. He blinked stupidly as you pulled away, smiling mischievously at him. You were still very close to him, so close that he could see the flecks of gold in your eyes that he adored so much. You fidgeted with his coat, and Aziraphale had to keep himself from wincing at the thought that you were fingering the same place that Sandalphon had earlier. He let you continue, content to watch and wait. You eventually did what you had set out to do, which was straighten his lapels and collar, and you patted his chest in satisfaction. You sighed and looked up at him.

“Come back to me, Azi, okay?” Aziraphale’s hands came up, entirely of their own volition, to grip tightly around her waist in response.

“Of course I will! I promise, my love, I will come back to you once all of this…kerfuffle is over.”

A little while later, you were leaving, turning, walking out of the bookshop and away from Aziraphale.

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“There she is!”

“Hush, you’ll get us caught!”

“Sorry, I’m just so…”

“I know. One my mark…now!”

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“Authorities are asking for anyone who has any information about the possible whereabouts of the missing person to please call 999. Can you repeat that information for our listeners, Bob?”

“Of course, Janet. Her name is Y/N L/N, and she is believed to have been kidnapped on her way home late last night. Please, keep both her and her family and friends in your prayers tonight.”

“Thank you, Bob. Now on to the weather. Sue?”

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PLEASE tell me if you want to be added/taken off/have asked before but I’m stupid and I never added you!!! 

[spectralarchers]

You talked about this with an anon a few days ago I believe and I have to say I'm indeed impressed of how you've grown as a person those last years. I'm also impressed of how many things you do in your life and how many things you are interested in. How do you even do it ? Everytime I want to do something, I end up just spending my time on my computer doing nothing all day, and that goes for my homeworks, internship research and mémoire too. You have any advice ?

Hi my dove!

I have to admit that I do spend a lot of time staring at my computer screen and at my phone’s screen. These last couple of months have been quite intense for me, since I started my internship, because I’ve had my internship, my one class a week, my student job and my volunteer job, all of which kind of merges together when I try to write fic (NaNoWriMo), do edits, work on cosplay and what else have yous...

To be quite honest, I don’t have any usable advice, other than telling you what I do in order to try and get through all the tasks I need to get through in the day - and perhaps, telling you that maybe having 60+ hour weeks for more than four months in a row is a bit much.

I always write down a list of things I’ve done in the day when I am having dinner and/or am about to head to bed. It can be ‘done laundry, folded clothes, showered, put cutlery and plates in dishwasher, read one text, saw a movie and went to the grocery store’ because all of those things in themselves aren’t, well, “proper things” but they are when you put them together.

After I’d done this a while, I realized that I had a list inside my brain all the time, and if I could just tick off 4 things in a day, I’d be satisfied - it could be to wash my clothes, shave my legs (which also meant showering), prepare a text for Uni, and walk home from my internship. 

It’s also a lot of self-control - when I’m at my internship, that’s all I do. I don’t sit around on Facebook, staring at my phone, because I know they’re expecting me to do my job and to do it well - I may be overperforming at 120% of what is expected of me, because I am hoping to impress them enough to be offered a position there when I have finished my thesis, but that’s basically it.

When I’m working on Uni things, I also don’t look at my phone. It helps that I have it on completely silent 24/7 - it’s never on vibrate or on sound. So, I don’t know if someone is calling me unless I a) have my phone in my hand when the call goes through or b) I see they’ve tried to call and left (or not) a message. You’d be surprised at how few calls I’ve missed because of that specific thing. 

It stems from the fact that having my phone vibrate for every single notification all the time gave me a whole lot of anxiety a couple of years ago - WhatsApp, Messenger, Twitter, Tumblr, e-mail, text, Whatsapp, Snapchat, Tumblr, Messenger, e-mail, e-mail, text from the store, e-mail, e-mail,... It was just non stop, so I turned it off. I still check my phone once every three minutes, but if it’s a notification I can ignore for now (someone on Whatsapp asking me how my day is, for example), I wait until lunch or until I have a bathroom break to reply to it.

It’s also how I did it with NaNo - do word sprints. Except here, it’s more like concentration sprints. Write your article, then spend five minutes goofing around on tumblr. 

In the morning, too, I’ve made it a habit to unlock my phone when I go to the bathroom to pee, first thing in the morning, and instead of spending 15 minutes in bed checking my calendar/mail/instagram/whatnot, I spend maybe 5 minutes going through it while I do my thing, and then I get on with my day. I also optimize phone usage while I’m on public transport - scroll away while you’re in the bus, but stop scrolling when you’re at work / in class.

My student job is being behind a counter in a busy shop, so I don’t have time at all to goof around on my phone, which means I get shit done there too, but it’s retail, so you reach a point where there’s nothing left for you to learn, so you just go on auto-mode.

I’m juggling a lot of things at once right now - I’m supposed to start writing on my thesis, but I still haven’t finished my internship and my one class yet (lol, don’t ask), so I’m optimizing all of my time so I can get at least 7 hours of sleep per night, and get enough tasks done in a day to keep me afloat - and, when I can, I sit on the couch, connect my phone to the ChromeCast and watch a bunch of silly Vine compilations or other equally silly videos for half an hour, and then I go to bed.

My only, like, real life advice I can ever give you is: don’t ever think that you’re doing yourself a favor by staying up until 5 am, UNLESS YOUR BODY (AND PSYCHE) CAN HANDLE IT. I know my brain can’t, so I’d rather go to bed at 9 pm, and get up at 5 am to finish something, instead of doing it the other way around. 

Make sure you get enough sleep when you can. Socialize when you can - don’t lock yourself away from others because you’re busy. You’re not too busy to grab a cup of coffee or meet up with someone at Uni after class.

Eat. Like, for real. Even if it’s muesli with milk and a banana for dinner, it’s fuel for your body. You only had garlic bread in the freezer and you were too tired/busy to make proper food? Eat those garlic bread. Or cheetos. Or donuts. Or salad. Or- you get the point. Just get SOMETHING into your body. You can always go to the gym or walk it off when you’re not stressed anymore.

Drink - if you haven’t filled your water bottle three times in a day, you haven’t had enough water today. (Assuming you have a 0,5 l bottle, like me). If you think filling it twice is enough, you’re wrong. If you’ve only had soda during the day, you need to drink at least one large glass of water - trust me.

Remember that it’s okay to cry because you’re stressed - it took me a while to remember this, but your body and mind have limits. Even if you do 60+ hours, remember that it’s okay to break down at one point and be like ‘fuck this’. If you have to skip reading some texts for Uni, then just read the conclusion of the text instead. If you have something to hand in at work, either ask for an extension, or hand in something that’s finished but not perfect instead - sometimes they’ll have other things to correct (commas, spellings, etc.) and when you get to do the second draft, you’ll get to edit some of those other things you didn’t get the time to do first time around.

And last: never, ever, ever, blame yourself for not managing to do as much with your 24 hours as others. Some only need 3 hours of sleep to function, others need 9. Some manage to get up at fuck’o’clock in the morning to go to the gym, workout, go to work, go to some extra-curricular activity, make homegrown chicken pasta noodle salads with their homebaked bread, and then watch a documentary about how clever they are, all in one single day. Others will sit all day on the couch and watch a documentary on Netflix about polar bears while eating cheetos, maybe also procrastinating and making mentals notes about that paper that’s due in a week.

All are valid. 

You can make it count. All that matters is that you don’t give up. 

Also: my background on my phone is this picture: 

And I suggest all of these ones to keep you motivated: 

(All these pictures are from a photopost that crossed my dash months ago on tumblr, if you know the owner/artist, PLEASE let me know so I can credit them!)

I hope this all helped, my little darling

[nivearga]

This Is A New York Story

11/12/2018

I’m sitting in a Delta Sky Lounge, sipping on the fourth complimentary whiskey and coke. You ruin whiskey with that shit, you told me once at Tangier airport. We got drunk as soon as they told us our flights were cancelled. We kept drinking until the morning after, when the concierge called us to wake us up, our bus to the airport waiting for us. You didn’t wake up, I left. I cried my eyes out for the entire flight back. I came back from that trip completely broke, sleepless, without any documents left but my passport, and hopelessly infatuated with you. 

Three years are passed and I’m again at an airport trying to get drunk. This time because there’s no way I can accept flying back home knowing that we didn’t meet. I managed to hide my sadness quite brilliantly but it comes to no surprise as the only art I can say to have mastered in my life is the one of deceiving feelings. There was just a moment that hit me pretty badly. One night at a restaurant where I was eating asparagus while everyone else around me ate lobster, the voice of Frank Sinatra started singing New York, New York in the background. I immediately knew it couldn’t end well. It was two years ago, we were in Rome and already quite wasted we stopped in a really small karaoke bar. You insisted to sing that song, everybody around was charmed by your voice. Some months later you told me, I didn’t sing Frank Sinatra to you for no reason, my darling. Unexpectedly, you love Sinatra. I still remember your profile in the darkness humming Fly me to the moon while I was still half asleep. I always thought Strangers in the night was the perfect depiction of our first meeting. Back to that Manhattan restaurant, I tried so hard not to think about all of those memories when Sinatra finally sang My way. My way is outside your life, apparently. It’s always been. 

09/12/2018

At some point, in my erratic discovery of the streets of New York City, I found myself wandering around the aisles of Crate and Barrel. Sometimes, probably more often that I’d like to admit, I like to immerse myself into an environment that doesn’t belong to me in any possible way. Preppy homeware department store Crate and Barrel is one of them. I have no kitchen, nor house, that I would like to decorate and I have no particular interest or adequate money to invest in a $250 waffle maker, but I like how my mind starts to behave in such places. That particular time, I started thinking about her, for real, for the first time. I imagined her as a kind of person that actually enjoys spending her time at a shop like Crate and Barrel. You told me she was freaking out at the idea of you meeting me. About me. Did she know who I am? Who is she? Did she look up for me? Did she find me? Is my Facebook profile picture target of hideous comments in some all-female instant messaging group? I hope not. Or maybe, not so subtly, I do hope so. I don’t mind being the reason why someone would freak out. Not long before bailing on me, you told me you didn’t have your ass eaten in too long. So that’s the only thing I know for sure about her. That and the fact that freaked out at only the idea of us meeting. Sure you don’t want your girl to be one of those who eat ass and don’t freak out when you sleep with someone else. Those are the kind of girls you call my whore, the kind of girls sending you videos of them masturbating, those who let you sleep with other because they don’t consider you their possession. They are the kind of girl I am.

17/12/2018

Back to the streets of London. I feel I don’t belong here but at the same time I feel at home in the particular state of loneliness I feel in this city. I walk down roads I walk down everyday and still I feel a newcomer, an outcast. The Southern train towards Croydon has become my new home. A week has passed and I don’t feeling anything. I’m numb. I dragged myself to work every single day since I’m back and completely alienate myself from hours. I repeated mechanically the same sentences to customers over and over again. Sometimes the echo of my voice wakes me up from the numbness and an utter sense of despair and acrimony towards people completely overcome me. 

07/12/2018

You: Thank you for being understanding.

25/12/2018

You: I feel terrible we didn’t hang out. 

03/01/2019

There are moments that are absolutely cathartic in life and you immediately realise it while you’re living them. It was Friday 7th December, I was standing in the middle of Astor Place, crying, trying to roll a cigarette while the wind and the cold worked against me. I’m not ashamed of crying in public. I’ve cried so many times in front of strangers, especially on public transports, that I’m now comfortable with it. I’ve always lived in careless metropolis, where people don’t give a fuck about you. Nobody ever offered me a tissue paper, a word of comfort, on the contrary I always made them uncomfortable. In that square I don’t even think somebody saw me, I was invisible in a city I didn’t belong to, that rejected me cold heartedly. And for that specific reason, I felt at home for a very brief moment. My tears were supported by the voice of Billy Corgan, my favourite soundtrack for these moments. The killer in me is the killer in with you. I cried because you rejected me, I literally flew to other side of the planet to see you and you didn’t want to. You preferred being a good partner. Even if until a few days before you couldn’t wait to fuck me in the ass. Your words. But I’m repeating myself. I particularly hated you in that moment because you just ruined one of those moments. 

18/01/2019

I was sitting in the dark, alone, watching a film by Cosey Fanni Tutti performing a castration. You could hear people retching, someone almost passed out and had to leave the room. I stared at this penis getting mutilated and all I could think was that you’d never been the person coming to me to hear Cosey Fanni Tutti talk and watch her films. You don’t have any idea of who she or Throbbing Gristle or Genesis P-Orridge are. You don’t have idea of who many artists I consider seminal for my development as a person are. I don’t want to spend my words and thoughts and feelings and time for someone I cannot share my interests with. Dam always says he doesn’t think one should share the same passions as the person they love. I strongly disagree. I’ve spent my entire life experiencing art and music and film and literature by myself only, I think I finally deserve someone that cold understand me. I just want someone to go to watch Cosey Fanni Tutti films together. And that person is certainly not you. And after all, I can go to the cinema by myself. I already do.

The second film of the night was a collection of photographs from Cosey’s life morphing into each other, faces merging into buildings merging into guitars. For a brief moment, when Cosey arrived in the room, she looked in my direction. I think we stared at each other for a second that seemed never-ending.

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

The whole of 85

Lance was quietly happy as he sat in Keith's lap with Fern in his hold. His husband wasn't quite so happy. Shiro had decided he needed to represent Voltron at the hand over, because apparently it would be more professional. Despite wanting to put distance between himself and Keith, so they could talk properly instead of just sexing out their issues, if the choice was between sitting next to Shiro and a sleeping Shalad, or sitting in Keith's lap and being a distraction so the two alphas didn't lose it at each other, he'd definitely take option b. Nuzzling Keith's neck, he let out a sleepy sigh. Fern was fast asleep against his chest, and he was honestly going to miss the baby girl. He had no idea how to raise a girl, but she was just so adorable and he already knew he was going to be a sobbing mess once he had to say goodbye "You can sleep, we have another 5 vargas until we're there" "No, I'm ok" "Baby, I know you're still sleepy" "I'll sleep on the way back" "Or you could sleep now?" "Keith, if he says he doesn't want to sleep, he doesn't want to sleep" Shiro. No. He could handle this just fine, and it wasn't the alphas place to stick his nose in, even if all he wanted to do was nap, it wasn't happening, not now at least "Shiro, its fine. I don't need you telling Keith off. Keith, I'm sleepy but I don't want to sleep yet. I kind of want to spend more time with Fern before we have to say goodbye" "You really care for her, don't you?" "How can you not? She's so beautiful. If we didn't have the boys..." "I know, you'd adopt her in a heartbeat... I'm sorry you have to say goodbye" "It's not your fault, and it's not like he'd and Shalad aren't going to a loving family" "That's true... maybe one day we'll have a little girl of our own?" "Mhmm, and she's going to be daddy's princess" Keith smiled at him, but it was barely a tick before it was fading "You two know you can't have more children, not until things start to settle down and the rogue Galra forces are dealt with. Having two kids on the castle is dangerous enough" "We know... it's hard leaving our boys as it is" "And I wouldn't be able to cope... I can barely cope with the boys as it is. My heart feels like it's breaking each time we say goodbye to them" "I know baby, I feel the same way..." Shiro sighed, and Lance's omega threw up its wall. That sigh definitely couldn't mean anything good "Realistically Lance, you're not coping and we can all see it. Both of you need to take your roles much more seriously" Lance was dying to say "who died and made you king?", but it wasn't worth the trouble, so he bit down on his lip "Lance is doing absolutely everything he needs to do to fulfil his role as the Red Paladin" "And what about you? You're so busy chasing after Lance and trying to fix this relationship you have with him, that your duties are falling to me" "My duties are falling to you because you decided you had to take over. Just because you can't pilot Black, it doesn't mean you have to try and control every detail of Voltron's existence" Lance groaned, he didn't want things to get even worse. Not when they were all trapped in Black, with basically nowhere to escape to "Seriously. This isn't the place or time for this, especially not in front of the children" "Really? Then when?" "When we aren't in front of the kids. Shiro, you need to loosen the reins and lighten up" "That kind of attitude is exactly why I can't. It's Keith fault we're transporting two children across the galaxy" "What did you just say?" Keith's scent filled with bitter anger, his chest seemingly vibrating with a barely suppressed growl "Will you both stop it!" "No. Not until Shiro takes back what he just said. If there was any other way we could have played that mission..." "The other way would be calling through to the castle when you first realised something was wrong" "We couldn't. There was an electrical storm and we didn't have time to waste!" "Then you should have figured something else out" "You know what Shiro, I've had just about enough of you. Lance is doing what needs to be done and I know my duties have been falling on you, but if you weren't handling the diplomatic side of things, just how would you be contributing to things? Be lazing around the castle? Or by making passes at my husband?" Baring his teeth, Keith was furious, which was scaring the quiznak out of Lance as he was holding Fern. He could take a hit and be fine, but she couldn't "How is that any different to what you're doing? You're putting Lance in front of everything, including your own health. He's not mentally well, and you're exhausted from always being dragged down with him. We can all see it. We all know it, but no one says anything because Lance is so easy to upset these days. Honestly, the Omega he's become is one that relies on you and doesn't even try for himself anymore. What happened to the Lance that never gave up! That never let anyone see him cry? That always tried his hardest" "If you think Lance isn't trying in his own ways, you're delusional" "Well his ways aren't good enough. I've been speaking to Coran, and we've decided to run a 5 quintant long trial of each Paladins individual strengths and weaknesses, through procession of the training levels. Each session is going to be monitored, and we will be going through the footage as a group" That sounded like a terrible idea to Lance. No one likes having their faults or flaws pointed out and made public knowledge "There will also be complete medical scans for everyone. Things like miscarriages and bleeding are things we as a team need to know about"

"Why?" Taking a shaky breath, Lance placed Fern in Keith's lap as he slid to stand "Why, what?" "Why does what's happening with my body have to be public knowledge?! You have no idea what it's like to lose a pup! You have no idea how shameful it makes you feel, especially when you're already a freak as it is! I'm tired of everyone laughing at me! The stupid omega who killed his first pups, nearly killed his second lot, and then lost another! You have no idea what it's like! And you want me to make these things public! What else do you "need" to know? Each time my milk leaks through my shirt? Or each time I slick? What I eat? What I think? These things aren't your business! Things between me and Keith have sucked and they've also been incredibly precious! He makes me happy and he's so good with the boys. My life's finally getting back on track and now you want to know things you have no right asking about!" "He makes you happy, but when's the last time you sat down and asked him how he felt? When's the last time you took care of him? Lance, your mental health is all over the place and you're running yourself into the ground. Something needs to change before you do something you regret" "Like what?" "Hurt yourself. Hurt someone on the team. Hurt your boys. Pick one" "I'm trying! I just keep fucking it up! Life doesn't come with a manual, and we all fuck up! It comes with from it, even if we try our hardest, we can still make mistakes!" "Why don't you get it? Everyone is worried about you" "Well they don't need to be!" "Then you and Keith talked things through? You know how hard it's been for him without you? And he knows you've been crying yourself sleep? Or about you're late night walks? And the whispered conversations with Hunk?" "Keith knows! He knows exactly how I feel about the last three movements! He knows. God! Why do you alphas have to be so cruel!?" "I'm not being cruel. I'm being concerned" "Your concern isn't wanted or needed, so back off!" Pausing, Lance was furious. Looking to Keith for support, his husband opened and closed his mouth before looking down and away from him. It felt like a slap to the face. He thought Keith hadn't jumped in because he respected he could look after himself and speak for himself, now he wasn't so sure "This is no conversation to be having in front of the kids. I'll take Fern into the cargo bay with me" Picking the girl back up, her eyes were wide as she stared up at him. At least she liked him... and at the moment, other than Black, she was the only one he wanted to be with. Despite the fact he'd intentionally stayed awake to keep the two alphas from going feral towards each other, Lance didn't feel any guilt as he carried Fern into Black's cargo hold.

Picking the furthermost corner, Lance settled down with Fern, the small girl still staring up at him, triggering his maternal side and his need to soothe her. Forcing his words not to shake, he smiled through his pain "You're so perfect baby girl. You're going to be a knock out when you grow up, but you're going to forget all about the silly human who fell in love with you the moment he saw you, aren't you. I'll never forget you though, and if you ever need someone to come kick some galactic butt for you, I'll be there... look at you. You have no idea at all what I'm saying. You're like "human, I don't get what you're saying ". I know honey. I know. I'm kind of pathetic, aren't I? I'm always making everyone worry. These last three movements have been really hard, but I really did think I was doing better, or at least better than I have been... or something. I guess I'm babbling..."

Both Shiro and Keith left him alone for the rest of the trip. Despite trying to sleep, his heart wouldn't stop racing, and his imagination ran away with him. He hoped both Keith and Shiro weren't still fighting, and that Shalad hadn't woken because of it... but, the not so small part of him, also hoped that Keith had come to defence and put Shiro in his place, even if that seemed unlikely. When the door to Black's cargo bay slides open, Lance uses the wall to steady himself as he rises. He can smell Keith's still angry, which causes his chest to clench painfully, each lung full of air feels like icy water and his heart feels like someone's firmly crushing it in their hand. It was then that he realised that though he wanted his husband to come talk things things through, he really didn't want to see him, and that all he was really feeling was betrayed. Raising Fern to his shoulder, he walked towards Keith "Lance..." Brushing past him hurt, but if he opened his mouth and actually blurted out his feelings, he'd only hurt Keith more. After all, wasn't that what Shiro really meant? That no one actually wanted to see him or talk to him. That they were all secretly sick of him. Seeing that Black's mouth was already open, Lance made a beeline for the outside. The coldness of the fresh morning numbing his face as his eyes watered. No. He wasn't going to cry...

Gathered about 30 metres in front of Black was a small group of villagers. A couple stood a little forward of the group, both smiling brilliantly as he approached with Fern. Coming to stand half a step to the left side of Shiro, Lance lowered Fern back down so she was against his chest "Lance, this is F'or and Ni've, they are the adopting Fern and Shalad" "It's a pleasure to meet you" "You too Paladin of Voltron. Today you bless us with much happiness" Lance shifted his weight, not sure what exactly to say "Shalad, these are your new parents. Lance, perhaps you would like to pass them their new daughter" "Right, of course. She's really adorable, and such a well behaved little girl. She's drinking from a bottle and she sleeps through most nights. Honestly, she's just perfect" F'or stepped forward, the woman gently taking Fern from her. With their own slight greenish tinge, he had no doubt that both Fern and Shalad would blend right in "That she is. Is she named?" "We've been calling her Fern. Fern's are a plant where we are from, and with her beautiful green skin, it seemed to suit her. Of course, you know, you can change her name. We never knew what her real name was" "Fern... I will think about it. Shalad, we prepared a room just for you" Shalad didn't look happy about everything at all. He just awkwardly stood beside Shiro and Lance's heart was breaking for the boy. This was his new family... after he'd finally settled in with them and life on Olkarion "Sometimes he can be a bit shy, and he likes to test the boundaries, but under all of that, he's a good kid" "I'm sure this will be a big adjust to us all" Finally joining them, Keith stepped forward "We have a few things for her, bottles, nappies, clothes, formula. I don't know if it will come in handy..." Ni've smiled warmly as he accepted the bag Keith was holding out "Thank you. Thank you again. You have no idea how happy you have made us. Perhaps you would join us in celebration?" "Some other time, I'm afraid the rest of the Paladins would be quite jealous if we were to join you" "Yes. Oh yes. I suppose you are right. But one day soon?" "We would love to..." Sniffling Lance wiped at his eyes "Paladin, is something wrong?" "No! No... I'm just really happy for all of you..." Ni've gave a nervous laugh "It is not common for men to cry" "I'm like always crying, this is like normal. Gosh. I told myself I wouldn't..." Fanning his face, he cursed himself for crying. But he really was happy for them all "If you have any trouble or problems, please let us know. Voltron is here to help everyone, no matter how big or small the problem" "We shall. Please pass our regards onto Ryner, and thank her" "We will. Lance. Keith. It's time to go"

That was it. No more Fern. No more Shalad... Quiznak. He didn't want to say goodbye to Fern. If he had to say goodbye, he'd rather be the one being left behind. Forcing a smile, he nodded and turned, making it half a dozen steps before a small hand grabbed his and tugged hard. Turning to see Shalad staring up at him, Lance was completely confused as he squatted down to the boy's height "Shalad?" Leaning in, the boy pushed his lips against his and Lance nearly fell over backwards in shock "Sh-Shalad!" "You're the prettiest and best Paladin" Turning, Shalad ran back to his new parents and grabbed F'or's leg. What the heck was that? Shalad liked him? He thought he hated him! But he was the prettiest? He didn't get it all. Rising, he waved awkwardly before marching himself back to Black. Shalad liked him? If this was Earth, he wouldn't be surprised at all if the kid turned out to be an alpha, but Shalad's race didn't have secondary dynamics... so what the quiznak!? And wait, didn't the kid like Keith? So... but Keith was better than him in so many ways... the kid had just thrown him further into interval turmoil, even if his innocent gesture was rather cute.

* With Shiro politely declining the villages invitation to stay, it felt weird to be saying goodbye so suddenly to Shalad and Fern. It was just over. Just like that. Without even making sure they were alright... he could never do that to the pups, but he'd just left Shalad and Fern like it they were objects. And what was that exchange between Shalad and Lance? Since when were they that close? This whole situation didn't sit well with him, and his alpha was less than impressed their omega was holed up back in Black after vargas of hiding from them... not that Keith couldn't have just headed into the cargo hold and checked on him, instead of being stuck in a silent stalemate with Shiro until Shalad woke. Sinking down into his seat, Keith's hands went to Black's controls as Shiro cleared his throat "Aren't you going to talk to Lance?" "Why would I? If he wanted to talk, he'd be out here. Besides, the villagers might get the wrong idea if we hand around too long" "I guess I'll go talk to him" "Don't you dare. You've said enough" Easing the controls back, Black lifted from the planets surface with practiced ease. Her mental tendrils already gripping his mind in an attempt to understand why her Paladin was so angry and upset "I just said what we were all thinking" "No, you said what you were thinking. Lance's relationship with the others was just fine, now he's probably sitting in there thinking he's worthless and useless" "He's not going to grow as a person until he faces those fears for himself" "You still had no right to talk to him like that. You have no idea what he's been through and what he's trying to cope with" "That's because he isn't open like he should be. He jumps right to crying and doing something extreme" "No he doesn't. If you think that about him, then you have no idea. He hates crying in front of other people. He hates feeling like he's bringing the whole team down. He hates being made to feel inadequate, and you just shoved that in his face" "Oh yeah, why didn't you jump to his defence then? Why didn't you tell me I was wrong when Lance was still listening to us. Because you know I'm right" "He's an omega. He reacts and handles things different to an alpha. You of all people should know how cruel society is to alphas. He's had years of self inflicted abuse and fear over his secondary dynamic. I've worked my arse off to make him understand that it's ok to be an omega. That it doesn't make him worth any less than us. That here, omegas and alphas are equals" "But they're not. There are things an omega can never do, that an alpha can" "Outside of popping a knot, or using a command, what? What makes us really so much different?" "Omegas are by nature more fragile and emotional. That means when the time comes, they are more likely to think with their hearts instead of their heads. If Lance had been thinking, he would have known birthing two sons into this environment would be unnecessarily hard for all of us" "Are you serious!? Those are my kids! I love my kids. I want my kids. I am proud of my kids! I guess that makes me an omega for thinking with heart rather than my head, because at the end of the day, they and Lance come first" "And what happens if something was to happen to both you and Lance? Who does the responsibility of raising them fall to?" "We talked to the team. They swore they'd raise them and protect them" "They shouldn't have to" "You know man, I don't get you at all anymore. Even if you're supposed to be the Shiro before the "fake" one came along, you are still just as cold and cruel to Lance. He always liked you. He always admired you. He always made time for you and took the abuse and the blame from you, even when it wasn't his fault and you didn't see that. Some quintants I look at you, and I wonder how we were ever best friends, because if we were really best friends, you wouldn't be treating my husband so badly, and you wouldn't be trying to start fights" "I'm not trying to start a fight" "Tell that to your scent. You stink of anger, meaning you stink like rotten fish" Rotten fish wasn't quite right, but it definitely wasn't the nicest of smells "I was there for you man. I was there when you were struggling with your memories. When you couldn't sleep, and when you'd work out until you nearly passed out. I know it's been deca-phoebes, but for you, it's only been phoebes. Phoebes. Since you came back, you've thrown yourself into leading Voltron without knowing what we all went through. You say Lance needs help, but you do too, because you're not dealing with things either. That's why you keep yourself busy. Why, you run around doing what should be my job, because you can't man up and take responsibility or accept the fact that you can no longer pilot Black. Our lives moved on with the fake Shiro, and you know what, Lance was the very first to figure out something was off. He knew. He knew and he tried to help in his own way. Because that's all he ever wants to do. He wants to help and if it means self destructing so no one gets hurt, then that's what he chooses, every single time. So don't you dare lecture him or me, over things you know nothing about" Shiro pinched the bridge of his nose as he shook his head "The way things are right now, Voltron is barely a team" "We are a team. We're family. Family doesn't always have to talk to know their connected. To know that they'll be there for you. I never had a real family, and when dad died, I had no one. Falling in love with Lance, courting and bonding with him, starting a family with him, he taught me I had emotions and feelings I didn't even know I had. He knows I'm not good with words, and he understands. It's thanks to him that my mother and I can talk and get along. He helps me realise things for her perspective and helped me get over how mad I was at her leaving. So if you're going to keep talking about this and abusing Lance, you can just sit there and stay quiet" "You guys can't see how messed up things are because you're all too close" "Things might be messed up, but they work for us" "Obviously they don't if Lance isn't doing well" "Lance has a lot to deal with, or weren't you listening? You know what, I am done with this conversation. Don't even try talking to me until you've thought things through and you've thought about and accepted the fact that your own role has changed and without your arm, you will never be able to pilot Black again..." "My connection with her has gone. I no longer feel her like I did before, but in a way, she's still there, and I know my role in Voltron has changed" "Then it's time you accepted the limitations of it, and backed off" "If I backed off, nothing would ever be accomplished" Grinding his teeth together, Keith resisted the urge to punch Shiro. Shiro had decided for himself that he wanted to play a more administrative role in the team, so he had no right pulling everyone else down, just because he couldn't pilot anymore. Leaving the planets atmosphere Keith set a course for home, as his mind drifted back to Lance's earlier outburst. His husband had been furious, so why couldn't he just open his mouth and say Shiro was wrong... maybe deep down, he believe Shiro had a point in some aspects of what he was saying. He was letting everything slide to put Lance first, but as a fellow alpha and someone who'd been romantically interested in his omega, shouldn't Shiro know that it's impossible to leave Lance alone? That without Lance wasn't nearly as bright... but Lance... Lance wasn't the only one struggling, he was just struggling more visibly than the rest of them.

Keith expected Lance to remain hidden away for the whole flight back, but when his husband appeared, he seemed concerned about something other than the pair of them. Pursing his lips, he leant right up to the glass of Black's eyes and narrowed his own "Lance, what are you doing?" "Allura called, Pidge picked up a long-range communication requesting help" "Allura called?" "Yeah. As we're already out this way, she said we should check it out. The others will wait on standby" "Did she say anything about who sent the transmission?" "It came from a Galra ship, but its playing on a loop, and they couldn't get a response to their calls" "Black goo?" "That's what they're thinking, but it could be that or it could be a trap... it could be anything really" "Where is it?" "Pidge said if you open Black's scanner, you should be able to pick the signal up. She was kind of surprised you hadn't already" "There was no need to..." "We should check it out. If they really are in genuine need, we can't do ignore them" "Did Allura say they were remaining on standby in the castle? Or were they bringing the lions out?" "Err, she didn't say..." "And you didn't ask, did you?" "They were busy" "Keith, track the signal. I'm going to call Allura and find out exactly what's happening"

Mumbling under his breath, Shiro kicked off the wall and stalked to the cargo bay, leaving him and Lance alone. Once the door slid closed behind Shiro, Lance turned back to staring out the glass and giving off a practically visible "don't talk to me" vibe. Leaning back in his seat, he stared at Lance. His husband was strong, there was no doubting that, or that he could be fierce and feisty, but instead of thinking about that, he was trying to remember the exact moment he fell for him. He couldn't even remember if he loved or even liked Lance before his suppressants ran out. He knew he loved Lance, and all his quirks, but they'd gotten together when the omega was vulnerable... if things had been different, if Shiro had never broken Lance, would they have gotten together and would they have stayed together? Would they be happier? Would they fight more? Would they be parents? What would have happened if he'd been the one to hurt Lance? Would Lance have forgiven him because the pull of their dynamics was so strong? Lance said he knew Keith was the one alpha out there just for him, fated for him even... and God knew Keith felt the same, but... would Lance have been happier and would he be doing better, if they'd never gotten together? That's what all these mental musing seemed to come back to. Tapping away on Black's system screen, he brought up his long-range scanner, turning it on before clearing his throat "The sensors scanning" "Ok" "Lance..." "I don't want to talk about it. I want to get this over and done with so I can go back to my boys" "My" not "our". He'd really quiznakked up "You shouldn't let what Shiro said get to you" "It's fine" "It's not fine" "Keith, just drop it" Keith bit down a growl in response to the coldness of Lance's tone "Seriously, Shiro doesn't speak for everyone. You're doing fine, better than fine. You're juggling the boys and your role as Paladin..." "I don't want to talk about this" "Well I do" "Well I don't! Fucking hell Keith! Just back off!" Blinking at Lance, he hadn't expected that at all "Don't tell me to fuck off" "I didn't. I told you to back off!" "God. I don't get you. We've been working for phoebes on what you needed and how to figure things out now that we have the boys, but one short conversation with Shiro and your back to pulling this!" "Pulling what?" "Thinking you're not good enough! Thinking everyone's talking about you, that everyone hates you. I'm sick of it! You know everyone loves you" "Right" "What's that supposed to mean?" "I don't want to talk about it" "Stop saying that!" "Then stop talking to me" "Not until you actually talk to me" "What would it change? Nothing. Nothing would change. I'm sorry you ended up with such a worthless husband, but I don't know how to break a bond, so I guess you're fucking stuck with me. God. I should have just stayed back at the castle" "Y-you want to break our bond?" Keith felt physically sick as the words left his lips "Sure. Why not? I'm not good enough to be with you and I'm not good enough to be a Paladin, so what's the use in even trying?" "I... I know things haven't been great... but last night and this morning..." "It was a mistake" Hanging his head, Keith let out a long breath "So... you don't love me. Is that it?" "You know I love you" "Then why are being like this?" "Because sometimes love isn't enough. We keep saying we'll do things. That things will change, but they never do. We fight. We have sex. Things are magically better. That's not how all of this supposed to work. You should find a new Paladin. One not so worthless" Climbing from his seat, Keith strode over to Lance and grabbed him by his left wrist, forcing Lance's hand up "You're the one who said you didn't want things to be over! You! I love you and you act like my feelings mean nothing! I didn't want to take the kids on, you did! And then you get all mad at me when it doesn't work out the way you expected! You wanted space so I gave you space! I fucking love you! I have never loved anyone like I love you, but you make it sound like these feelings are all lies! I don't know what you want from me anymore, so I listen to you and do what you say. But that's not good enough! Maybe I didn't stick up for you in front of Shiro, but Shiro was right. We've both changed, and I don't know how to find a way back from where we are right now" Without intending to, Keith's grip tightened on Lance's wrist to the point where the omega was in pain from it, but being Lance he only shook his head "I don't either. I'm exhausted Keith. I'm exhausted from everything and I don't know why I'm even alive anymore" "You're alive because people need you. I need you. The boys need you" "Do you? Do you really need me dragging you down? I swore to myself and Alfor I would always back you up, but when have I done that lately? When have I done anything that hasn't hurt you? You can't answer because all I've ever done is hurt you" "That's not true..." "You can't even think of a time, can you? I'll do this job, but after that... I don't know what I'm going to do, but you should find a new Paladin" "Screw that. Voltron isn't Voltron without you. We can..." "We can what? Take a break? Something always happens" "Then the others can go on missions" "That's not fair to them" "And this isn't fair on us!" When Lance whimpered, Keith finally realised how strong his grip on his mates wrist was. Releasing Lance, the omegas wrist was red from the pressure "Lance, I'm only going to ask this once. Do you love me?" "With everything I have, but..." "But nothing. I would give up everything for you, and if you want to take a break from being a Paladin, we both will" "We can't!" "We can. I'm exhausted too. I'm tired of leaving the boys behind and I'm tired of this. When we get back, we'll go. I don't know where, but we'll go" "We can't just go" "Lance, this isn't up for argument. You're my husband and I refuse to even think about breaking our bond" "How can you love someone so useless?" "You're not useless. Don't let Shiro get into your head" "I just... I don't know what his problem is! I've told him I don't want to be with him, and before that, we found a way to kind of work together... Shiro carry's a lot of sway over the others, so as far as I'm concerned everything he says is true" "So you'd believe another alpha over me?" "Yes, because you're trying to spare my feelings" "You're not supposed to say yes so easily" "I'm sorry"

"By the sounds of it, you two have a lot to work through" Lance flinched at Shiro's voice, and Keith... he still wanted to punch Shiro in the face. Ignoring what Lance wanted, he wrapped his arms around his omega, kissing his cheek "I love you Lance, so don't let him get to you" "What did she say, Shiro?" "That they'd received a distress call, and hadn't been able to contact them back" "So exactly what I said" Lance mumbled the words so only Keith heard them "Is that all?" "No. Only that they thought it may be related to the black goo, because it's a Galra ship..." "See baby, you're doing a good job. Even Shiro has to realise there was no reason to call Allura" "Keith, just let me go. It doesn't matter. If he thought I was doing a good job, he never would have double checked" "Are you two done whispering?" Pushing him away, Lance turned back to staring out the window "Black is tracking the signal now" "How far out are we?" "I don't know" "Well let Lance go, and get back to work. You'll have to enter the ship alone" "No he's not" "Lance..." "I have my Bayard and if it's related to the black goo, I have to go. I'm the only one who can" "Only because..." "No. Keith can't go. His face is scarred because of that black stuff. I am not having his boys grow up without him" "You're in no condition to go on this mission" "We don't even know if it is a mission! It could be a trap, which means I should be the one going because I'm less important than him! You said so yourself!" "Lance..." "I don't want to hear it Shiro. Keith, keep trying and see if you can get any response at all from them. And while you're at it, figure out how far out we are. We need to be prepared when we get there, and we need to figure out our point of entry. If it's the black goop, we can't risk Black becoming infected, so I think it's best if I enter through the top of the ship, my Bayard will be able to slice through it, then once I pass through the ducts there shouldn't be any problems" "You can't use Galra tech..." "No, but I can cut through basically anything" "That's going to take a lot of time" "Let me call Pidge. I know she has the software for overriding Galra access codes. Once I'm in, I can scan the hand scanners and have her adjust the coding" "It would be better for Keith to go. He won't need to rely on Pidge to interface with the control systems" "That's if the ship is even salvageable. If it's infected, the best course of action would be to blow it up" "That's not out decision to make. The ship doesn't belong to us" "I'm not sure Lotor is going to want a contaminated ship back" "For all we know, it could be carrying supplies or even quintessence" "Lance, you're not to take any chances with pure quintessence. If there's any on there, leave it" "Keith..." "No. I'm not having him affected by it again" "If there's quintessence, it needs to be secured. We can't risk anyone else getting their hands on it" "I'm not risking Lance's health over it" "I thought he had limited side effects?" "Well you..." "You thought right. Keith is just worrying. It doesn't matter. I'll do my job. Keith, maybe you want to get back in your chair and tell us how far out we are" So Lance's health and fertility weren't important to him? Sure they couldn't have any more kids anytime soon, but he'd been under the impression they both wanted more kids someday. His alpha was both enraged and confused. Lance had literally asked him to "breed" and "fill" him less than a quintant ago... but now that meant nothing. He couldn't keep doing this. He needed to push it all aside. Today was definitely a day he needed to hit restart on.

* Ok Lance. You can totally do this... this isn't creepy at all... jumping at the sound of his own feet hitting the empty corridor below, Lance nearly burst out laughing in nerves. He'd been all talk in front of Shiro and Keith, but not he was on the completely silent ship, his heart was racing and every noise he made had him jumping. To say Keith hadn't even too impressed was the understatement of the deca-phoeb. Their relationship was on the rocks and he'd lashed out stupidly, intentionally trying to hurt his alpha so he'd back off and give him some space to breathe. Instead Keith was Keith. Too kind and sweet, and way too understanding, but that was only because his husband hadn't believed he was serious about breaking their bond. Having vargas to stew over Shiro's words, he could only agree with everything the alpha had said. He was the weak link, and his mental health wasn't exactly great... and honestly, he secretly hoped their would be someone on the ship just so they'd hurt him and he'd have a legitimate excuse not to pilot Red. How Keith could love a selfish omega like himself, Lance had no idea. Taking a deep breath, Lance went about activating his communicator, calling through to Pidge. Keith had wanted him to call through to him, but Lance had dodged it by explaining Pidge needed to be on the line to help him with any Galra tech he couldn't get through. Casting a glance around his surroundings, he repeatedly mumbled "pick up" until she finally did, causing him to yelp, despite expecting her voice "Lance! Are you alright?" "Fine..." He winced at how high his voice was "... just, you know, scared quiznakkless and completely alone in this big silent ship" Pidge snorted "Keith's right beside you, isn't he?" "No, just me. I seem to be the only one who can handle the goop and the pure quintessence. Annnny who, in the ship, I just came in through the air duct" "Right. So you'll be heading to bridge?" "Something like that. God... this is creepy. I swear to god if someone was to tell "boo!" I'd have a heart attack on the spot" "Don't go doing that. We're on standby, but we're all the way back on Olkarion" "At least you'd save me. Hey, is Hunk next to you?" "Of course. Where else would he be?" "Can you put me on speaker? I need to ask you something, and I need an honest answer" "Lance..." He could hear the frown in Pidge's tone "Please Pidge. I promise no matter what you say, I'm not going to get mad" "Now you're scaring me. Hang on... right, you're on speaker" Picking up the pace to a jog, Lance didn't exactly know where he was going, he just wanted to get this over with and get the hell off the ship "Hey buddy, what's up?" "Guys... other than these last few movements, have I been doing better?" Silence. Nothing. Not even whispers or the sound of breathing "Guys?" He hated how desperate he sounded "Sorry Lance. I was just thinking. Did something happen?" "Maybe, but I need you to be honest" "Well being a mum and a Paladin is hard, but we both agree that other than this last movement, you've been doing better... right, Hunk?" "Yeah buddy. You're eating better, working out and looking after the pups, even with everything else going on. You've been a bit scattered since moving back into the castle, and your scents been all over the place... what happened?" "Shiro" Both his friends groaned "What did he say?" "I'm dragging Keith down and I don't look after him or even care about him, or that was the gist of it. And..." "And, what?" "That you're all tired of me" Pidge growled. The tiny female alpha actually growled "Seriously?" "I know I'm the weak link of the team, but I thought I was doing ok... Do you guys know how to break a bond?" "Lance, buddy, don't even joke about something like that" "I'm not joking. I don't want to drag Keith down. He's... he's..." "We know what he means to him, and he loves you" "But if I'm ruining his life, maybe it's better I let him go. All I want is for him to be happy, but Shiro made it sound like everything I do is wrong and Keith didn't say anything. Now he wants to go on holiday when we get back, and I don't know what to do anymore" Word vomit. He definitely had word vomit from his nerves. Not only had he dobbed Shiro in, he couldn't stop his words from just falling through his lips like all of this wasn't a big deal "Maybe some time off would be good? You and Keith could talk?" "I didn't want to talk, I wanted space and some how that ended up in sex and now I don't know what to do. I tried to push him away so I could think, but he doesn't... he insisted on taking care of me. Guys, what do I?" "Go on holiday with him" "Hunk..." "I'm serious bud. You, Keith, the boys. Just take a break" "We can't just take a break. Besides, Shiro wants us all to have full physicals and wants to test us against the training simulator" "Full physicals?" "He wants to know everything..." Pidge let out a short and sharp "oh" "Pretty much. He..." "No. Lance. If it really affected the team and a mission, you would tell us. I mean. If it was so bad you thought we could be hurt or something, you would tell us, right?" "Or at least tell Keith or Allura" "If it stopped someone getting hurt" "See. Just ignore Shiro. He's still trying to find his place in the team" "Well the way he made it sound, you guys should start looking for a new Red Paladin" "Voltron isn't Voltron without you bud" "Hunk's right. You're the Red Paladin, and I don't think Red would let you go that easily" "I'm sorry for dumping this on you. I'm so nervous right now, I can't stop myself from talking" "It's ok. Hunk and I are hiding from Coran at the moment" "Wait. What? Why?" "He wants to clean the pod rooms, and he's been talking to the boys all morning about cleaning. I think he loves the fact they can't escape him going off on one of his tangents" Lance groaned. He could picture it now. Coran having the boys clean all the places he couldn't bend to reach "Have they at least behaved?" "Um... Laneith wouldn't take his bottle, and Kelance started crying... which meant the both were. Coran started telling them all these stories about Allura growing up" "I can picture that. I bet he got all weepy too" "He burst into tears and started sobbing about how adorable she was" "How did Allura take it?" "She patted him on the arm, before making him a cup of tea and taking the boys" "That's why we're in Pidge's room and not on the bridge" "I miss the boys... It's so hard to leave them behind" "Just think, you're out there fighting for the future" "Well, right now, the future sucks... AND GALRA SHIPS SUCK!" Yelling the sentence, his own voice echoed through the halls, only making things that much creepier "You don't need to yell" "I think everyone's dead..." "You can't know that for sure..." "Pidge, can you do that thing where you access my communicator? I honestly don't know where I am..." "Yep. I'm already on it, just waiting on the program to hurry up" "Good. I don't want Shiro thinking I'm not doing my job" "Lance, Shiro isn't Voltron's leader anymore" "Only because he wasn't really Shiro and I cut his arm off... in his mind, he didn't disappear" "Yes, but Shiro wanted Keith to take over. If you don't get some kind of perk from sleeping with him..." "Pidge!" "I'm just saying..." "We'll stop it! Coming into space has corrupted you" "I prefer to think it as being an eye opening and life changing experience" "Do you want me to tell Matt? How do you think he's going to take it? Especially when you and Allura are the only females on a castle full of me" "Six is female" "Six is a cat" "She's still female. And we have female chickens, and Kaltenecker, and some of the mice" "Hunk, can you punch Pidge in the arm" "Sorry Lance, she'd punch back and she hits hard" "Of course I do. I have Matt as an older brother" "Guys... do you ever get mad that I had the twins?" "What? No. I mean, you did hide away from us and you nearly died... but we all love the boys" "Thanks... I really needed to hear that" "We don't mind babysitting, but we draw the line at nappies and crying" "I know... Hunk definitely made that clear" "I have no idea how two tiny humans can make that much of a stink" "Me neither... Pidge, I'm at a fork in the corridors. Which way?" "Left" "Left? Left because it's on the display, or because it's an educated guess?" "It's a guess, but all the corridors end up joining up somehow..." "Hunk, which way?" "Left... I'm not arguing with Pidge" Gripping his Bayard for strength, Lance looked at the two corridors, wishing his stupid second sense would kick in and just guide him to the bridge. Trying to clear his mind of all thought, he shook his limbs and rolled his neck, before frowning, and turning down the right corridor, immediately forgetting the pair had said to go left. Catching sight of himself reflected in the ship's window, he clutched his chest as he tried to calm his breathing "Lance?" "I may have made myself jump again... this is so spooky" "Do you remember that time went to the Galaxy Garrisons open day and they had that haunted house..." "Hunk. No. Do not bring that up right now" "Or he totally could. What happened?" "Lance..." "Lance doesn't want to talk about it, and if you tell Pidge, I'll never talk to you again" "Rude!" "Bud, that's harsh" Lance didn't need Pidge knowing he'd been jump scared so badly he'd screamed and practically jumped into Hunk's arms, nor that the girl in the zombie outfit had laughed way longer and harder than what was polite. Nope. He didn't need her getting any ideas "Pidge, I'll tell you later" "No. Don't tell her..." "Yes, tell me" "Guys, can we not be mean to me when I'm walking through this big empty ship" "Have you come across any door pads or sensors? Anything with a signal I can hack into?" "Nope. It's just one super looooong corridor" "Quick Lance! Behind you!" Not thinking about the fact Pidge wasn't actually there and had no idea what was going on, Lance span round with his gun ready, before it finally clicked "Pidge!" Pidge cackled with laughter "It's not funny" "It is, just a little bit" "Seriously, I nearly blasted the ship for no reason" "A girls gotta get her kicks some how" "Well making fun of me isn't funny! Why did I even call you guys?!" "Because you love us" "I don't know about that..." "Lance, I'm hurt" "Good" "Fine, just let us know when you finally reach a door" "Just don't go dropping the call..." "We won't bud" At least Hunk had his back.

After getting hopelessly lost, Lance finally found a door. A nice, big, totally unsuspicious door... that could just be hiding something ready to kill him the moment he opened it... Nope. No. Noooo. Nothing was waiting for him "Pidge, my communicators against the panel" "Good that's all I need. Now just hold still for a couple of doboshes. I'm going to remote access your communication" "Mhmm, sure... and I'll just stand here and hope I'm not murdered..." "No one's going to murder you. There's no zombies in space" "Hunk!" "She got it out of me!" "I can't believe you told! You're lucky I'm not about to tell her about your first day at the Garrison, and how you threw up..." "Lance!" "This is getting good! What happened?" "Well, you know Hunk used to throw up all the time..." "Lance" "Hunk" "Please don't tell her" "My work here's already done. Do you really think she's going to let it drop?" Hunk growled softly while Pidge laughed "It's ok Hunk, she still loves you" "But my image..." "Hunk, don't take this the wrong way, but Pidge doesn't care about your image, so you're fine" "Sometimes Lance opens his mouth and says something profound" "You don't have to sound so shocked" "Relax, we're just teasing" Because he totally wanted to be teased. Not. At least it meant he wasn't all by himself "Pidge, how much longer?" "Art takes time" "That makes no sense" "Sure it does. Another dobosh and a half, at least" "I'm so glad no ones shooting at me" "See, no worries. Just keep standing still" "I haven't moved at all. You would be proud of me" "We are proud of you bud. Oh hey, Allura just walked in. Allura, come talk to Lance with us" "Hey Lance! Sorry, the boys are sleeping. I only just got them to sleep" "Hi Allura, I hope they haven't been too much trouble?" "They're fine. They've settled, so everything is fine now. How about you?" "Oh, you know. Sneaking around on an empty Galra ship... it's not cold and spooky at all" "I'm sorry we aren't there to back you up" "It's fine. Keith and Shiro are like a call away..." "I don't think Shiro will be much help" Meat shield. Diversion. Human sacrifice... Lance was down for all those options, even if he knew he'd never be able to live with himself if something actually happened to Shiro "Let's not talk about Shiro and Keith... they can keep their alpha stink to themselves, and Pidge, my arm is getting numb" "We're at 78 percent. So just a little longer. Hey Allura, what do you think about Keith and Lance taking some time off?" "You want to take time off? Did something else happen between you two?" "Shiro said a whole lot off stuff to him, and now they need to work on their relationship. Hunk and I think it's a good idea, but what about you?" "Provided you don't go too far, and we can still contact you. I don't see why not? It saddens me to see you both so upset when you both love each other so much" "See Lance, Allura is totally cool with it. Do you have any idea where you want to go?" The Omega hadn't expected it all to be so smooth... he'd expected Allura to say no or something... even though he knew she really wouldn't "Umm... no. I mean, Keith only mentioned it a couple of vargas ago... maybe somewhere with a beach?" "Hunk and I will take a look at prospective planets... we should have known you'd want to go somewhere with a beach" "So what? I like surfing and swimming, both of which you can do at the beach... and I want the boys to see the sea" "I think they're still a little young for swimming" "We can teach them when they're older. We'll make it a team building exercise" "That's going to be so adorable!" Rolling his eyes at his friends, he was once again grateful not to be "alone" as the ship's temperature dropped further.

There were several long moments of silence before the door opened in front of him and Pidge let out a triumphant "Yes!", only it was completely wasted on him as Lance reeled backwards, gagging as tried not to vomit in his helmet "Lance?" "They're dead" "All of them?" "I don't know... oh god. It stinks" "Put your helmet on" "It is on..." Looking at the pile of bloated Galra bodies, his eyes accidentally met those of one the deceased. Ripping off his helmet, he couldn't stop himself from throwing up on the wall next to him, while his friends let out a collective "Ewww". Without the helmet on, the smell was infinitely worse. His eyes watering as he pinched his nose, almost grateful for the burning feeling in his sinuses and throat "Nope. I am not going in there" "Lance, you need to check if there are any survivors" "Allura, you're not smelling what I am" "We can't report this to Lotor and say you didn't check" "Ugh... it smells so bad" "We also need to find out who initiated the transmission" "So you want me to see if there's a less dead Galra among the bunch. I'm going to have nightmares about this for the rest of my life" "Stop being a Prima Donna and do your job" Wrinkling his nose, Lance inched his way into the room. He might have initially over exaggerated as there were only three bodies, but they were all bloated and all seemed to be staring at him. Giving the room a quick sweep, he ran from it the moment he was sure no one was alive "That was revolting!" "Any survivors?" "No" Stepping forward, he found the smell not leaving him. Looking down, he grimaced at the matter now cakes onto his boots... unfortunately, dead bodies leaked and he'd stepped in it. Letting out a miserable whine, he shook his legs, trying to get the gunk off, only for it to flick onto his armour "Lance?" "I stepped in it. Oh god. It's... it's worse than anything..." He could Pidge snickering, and whine again, unconsciously calling for his alpha to come rescue him from this mess "Lance, don't whine like that. We aren't Keith" "But it's so gross" "Do you want us to patch Keith in?" "No! I, um, no. Just let me recover from that..." "Are you sure?" "It's fine" It was soooo not fine "Just tell me how to get to the bridge from where I am" "You need to head back the way you came and down three levels..." Walking back the way he came wasn't tempting at all. Looking to his feet, he figured he could cut through the ship "Pidge, what's directly below me?" "Another corridor" "So I can cut a hole in the ship and I'm not going to end up in space?" "You seriously want to cut a hole in the ship?" "Well it seems pointless walking back" "Lance, just go back the way you came. We don't know what's wrong with the ship, and you could trigger an explosion" "But at least I'd be down a floor" Pidge groaned, and Allura took over "Lance, we all know you can do this. So please, take the long way and stay safe" "But it's gross" "Then don't look" Gripping his Bayard, it was so very tempting, but then he pictured Shiro's face and the lecture he would get "Fine! But Hunk, I want a huge plate of cookies when I get home" "Done. Just cookies? Or cookie dough too?" "Both. Both is good... and something for Keith. I don't know what? Do you think he liked garlic knots?" "Not to the same degree you do" "Then he's going to learn to love them" Turning back the way he came, he really didn't want to go back there. Closing his eyes, he ran "straight" until he slipped and landed on his knees. Opening his eyes, he looked down to find his hands covered in fluid that had leaked from the room. Letting out another desperate whine, he tried to wipe them off while escaping the sensation at the same time "Lance?" "Don't... I don't want to do this anymore" "Did you fall, bud? It sounded like you fell" "In it... oh, Hunk..." Sniffling he went to wipe his face and smeared it on his helmet. It was like everything he was trying to prove to Shiro he wasn't, was happening "Lance, it's ok. You've got your armour on" "It's... so gross" "We all know how gross a dead body can be. It's ok. Just take a few breaths and pull yourself together" "I'm sorry... it's just so gross" "We heard. It's ok. It's been a long day and you're probably exhausted. Now get up, and keep going" "O-okay"

With his knees aching and his body feeling like a popsicle, it seemed to take forever to make it to the bridge, which was even more revolting than the room upstairs. The Galra had started shooting at each other, so not only did it smell like rot, the smell of burnt hair and flesh hung in the air. This was so not the right mission to be proving he could handle anything the others could. Stepping into the bridge, he had to step over a particularly fat Galra, that missing half his head... which was covering the console in front of him "Pidge, I'm there" "See, we knew you could do it" "They shot each other. I think they were probably scared of being infected and went crazy" "Or there was an internal struggle for power... go ahead and place your palm on the scanner, actually, you could just place one of their hands on their" "Doesn't your program get around that?" "It does, but this will be quicker" "I don't want to touch them. It feels wrong" "Lance, I'm just asking you to put his hand on the scanner" "Can't you scan his hand? Like that other time?" He could hear Pidge rolling her eyes "Fiiiiine, flick to video feed for me" "Ok, but don't blame me when you have nightmares" "Lance!" "Ok, ok!" Tapping his communicator, he wasn't sure why Pidge didn't do it herself, but the first thing she did when she saw the sight was gag, which was kind of comforting "See what I mean!" "That's nasty..." "Pidge, can you just do your thing?" "I'm already on it. I totally think you deserve two quintants off for this" "We can't... we don't know if we'll be needed" "Are you trying to say you and Keith are more capable than the rest of us?" "No. I'm trying to say you'll look a bit funny without an arm or the head when you form Voltron" "Now that would be funny. Sending the file through now" Turning his arm back to the hand pad, he opened the holo-folder and held it over. The moment the screens filled with Galra script, an alarm began to sound "Pidge!" "I'm working on it!" "Work faster! I don't like this alarm" "It's not like anyone's going to shoot you" "This ship still has sentries!" "Fair point. Ok. There's been an explosion in the good's hangar connected to the fleet hangar. It seems like the last time anything was put into the system was... 4 quintants ago. The ships been floating since" "Then why didn't we pick up on it earlier?" "I don't know. Perhaps it was just out of range for our scanners. Hold on a tick" After being deafened by the alarm, to hear it suddenly cut out was weird "Ok. So I've turned the alarm off, and there shouldn't be any sentries headed your way. I'm downloading the ships logs, but you're going to have to head down to the hangar" "Great..." "It's only 4 more floors" "When I get back to the castle, I'm taking a varga long shower, while you all babysit" "I bet he's in there for 5 doboshes, before getting out and finding the boys" "I bet it's two" "I can't go near the boys like this. I stink" "Lance, you can head down. I have full control of the ship now" "Then can't I just stay here?" "With the bodies?" "On second thought, 4 floors. I can do that" "Don't go slipping this time. Oh, Allura's got a call from Keith" "Tell him I don't need his help. I'm going to check the explosion, then I'll cut my way out. It's fine" "Mhmm" "I'm serious" "Don't you want him to come rescue you" "No. I don't need rescuing. I need less dead people and less creepy Galra ships" "Keith says hello" "I'm sure he does" "He wants to know what you're doing" "Pidge, I don't need a running commentary. If you keep this up, I'm hanging up" "You can't hang up. I'm downloading the logs" "Then I'm going to take my communicator off and leave it behind" "You wouldn't!" "I might..." "Lance, I'll hunt you down myself if you lose you're communicator. Do you have any idea how much of an amazing piece of technology that is?" "I know, but it got you to back off when it came to Keith" "That's not fair!" "Then you shouldn't have been mean. Quiznak. All these corridors look the same" "Just keep going" "I am. Why can't this place have heating? It's freezing on here" "I think the smell would be even worse if the ship was warm" "Ugh. You're right" The stench had practically embedded its self to him, his whole body felt like it was trying to shrink away from his armour.

Jogging through the second floor, Lance stumbled to a stop as he realised there were an awful lot of doors on the corridor he was in. Pidge, Hunk and Allura were all now talking to Shiro and Keith, providing little more than background noise. Walking over to the closet door, he took a deep breath before opening it. The room was stark, but with chains and shackles coming from the wall "Pidge, was this ship transporting prisoners?" "I don't think so... Why? What's wrong?" "There's a whole corridor of cells" "I'll take a look through the logs, for now you should keep moving" "But there could be prisoners on here" "Lance, let Pidge work. It's not like you won't have to head back up to get out" "Shouldn't I just check while I'm here?" "Anything could be in one of those rooms, so for now, I want you keep going" He didn't want to hear Keith. His husband sounded worried and he hated it. Couldn't he just let him do his job? His omega instantly wanted to go running to their alpha and have Keith soothe away the trauma of this whole mission. Stupid secondary dynamic! "I still think I should check..." "Lance, just head down to the site of the explosion" And there was Shiro... Lance mentally sighed. It would be so much easier if he just checked the rooms, but noooo, stupid alphas knew best! "Alright already. I'm going!" The strain and stress from a lack of sleep and a ridiculously long day were definitely taking its toll. All Lance wanted was a hot shower and then to curl up with his sons. That was it. He didn't care what Keith got up to once they got back to the castle, he just wanted to know his sons were alright.

* "Well. This... this isn't quite what I was expecting" "What do you see?" "It looks like someone deliberately blew the room up..." "Is there any sign of the goop?" "No, but I'd definitely say they were transporting quintessence... not a lot, judging by the three broken canisters, but it was here and I can feel traces of it" "Pure or tainted?" "I think it's tainted. It's giving me a headache from being so close to it. I have no idea what happened on this ship, but I'm calling it a bust. Call Lotor and have someone come collect it" "Lance, we need to be completely certain there's no traces of the goop. Check the main hangar next door" "I've already walked through the hangar to get here. I didn't see anything" "Then go take another look. There has to be a reason this happened" Groaning, Lance turned back towards the main hangar. He hadn't seen anything, so why did he have to go to all the effort of checking it. Dragging his feet, he was sorely tempted to deactivate his Bayard, but his armour was probably the only thing keeping him upright "Lance" "What now?!" "I was going to tell you to be careful" "Fine. Whatever. Just call Lotor already" Snapping at Keith, he regretted it immediately. It wasn't the right way to assure the fellow teen that he was alright. Anyone who knew him, knew he found it hardest to lie about how he was feeling when he was tired. It felt like his mouth just had no stop function. Thankfully Pidge came back into the conversation "What do you see?" "I'm still walking" "I don't know how, you've been on that ship for vargas now" "I don't know either... right, ok. There's fighter jets and another small ship here" "Check the ship, we'll bring Black around to meet you" Finally! Just one quick check of the ship and all this would be over. With renewed vigor, Lance jogged across the hangar and over to the ship, hitting the external door pad with a sigh. He was lucky he hadn't deactivated his Bayard as the moment the door began to lower, black goop shot from the ship "Oh, quiznak!" "Lance?" "I found the goop, and the quintessence!" "Lance, get out of there!" Dodging the tendrils striking towards him, he cursed the whole galaxy as his muscles screamed. Switching to his sword, he struck out at the mass, while simultaneously attempting to flee. Without Keith waiting close to the hangar doors, he couldn't make a run for it that way, so instead he lead the goop in a wide arching semicircle, so he ultimately wound up backing into the ship it'd been contained in "Lance?!" "Still here..." "We'll be there soon" "Hold up! I'm in the ship the goop was in" "What? Why?" "Uh, because I had no where else to go, and now I see why it wasn't going anywhere. They've got 6 containers of pure quintessence here, and what seems to be a less decomposed Galra behind the controls" "Lance, whatever you do, don't touch the quintessence!" Angered by being separated from its "treasure", the black goop smashed against the small ship in an attempt to get back in. Keith had said the goop could work technology, but this lot seemed to have no idea. Thrown as the ship was tipped sideways, the loose canisters smashed against the wall, and Lance across the pile... Keith was going to be furious... "Lance?! Baby, can you hear me?" "I hear you... don't be mad, but the canisters broke" "Lance, I told you to stay away from it!" "I didn't do it on purpose!" "Lance, how many containers broke?" "All of them..." "Quiznak Lance! How could you be so stupid!" "Me! I didn't do anything!" Shrieking back at Shiro, Lance didn't particularly appreciate the fact that he'd essentially just taken a bath in pure quintessence and all of it was flooding his systems. Unlike the small amount he'd used to get the goop out of his son and Pidge, this was way too much for his systems, and he ripped his helmet off as he struggled to breathe "Lance, do you think you can pilot the ship?" "N-no..." "Keith, Shiro, you need to do something! Get him out of there!" Flipped again, Lance landed hard on his back, his head smacking against the floor? or was it the ceiling of the ship as glass rained down around him "Lance, we're at the hangar!" "Well hurry up and do something!" "We'll provide cover fire, but you're going to need to make a run for it!" "Run... I forgot how funny you could be, Shiro" Run he said. He was so disoriented that he could barely walk, and now they wanted him to run. Feeling around for his Bayard, he grabbed it as he rolled onto his stomach, coughing and spitting blood as he did. Keith totally didn't need to know about that "Lance!" "Just give me a tick! I need to shoot my way out!" "Ok baby. You've got this!" He was like 80 percent sure he didn't "got this". Forcing his helmet back on, Lance turned his sword back into his gun and fired at the side of the ship, but like this whole day, everything went wrong again. Instead of blasting a hole through the side of the ship, there was some kind of explosion before the black goop was rushing at him. In the background he could hear Keith screaming his name, and he felt a surge of power as everything went blue... and then incredibly blurry. Choking on his own spit, the omega began crawling forward as the black goop disintegrated around him. Well... Quiznak. Keith wasn't going to be happy at all.

[shrugman]

all of them ily facetime me

I’m half a bottle of wine in so this is the perfect time to answer this

1. Name: Michelle Bair

2. Birthplace: some airforce base in virginia 

3. Ancestry: general European, Scottish, and Native American

4. Zodiac Sign: Capricorn

5. Biggest fear: Abandonment 

6. Strength/Weakness: For the most part I’m pretty honest / I can’t make decisions if they impact other people

7. Worst habit: braiding and unbraiding my hair / shaking my leg

8. Favorite holiday: Halloween  

9. Ever been in a car crash: thankfully, no

10. Have you ever had a crush on a teacher: Paul omg

11. What do you do as soon as you walk in the house: drop whatever bag I’m holding

12. Age at first kiss: 14? Idk whatever the second half of 8th grade was

13. When did you fall in love for the first time: when I was 15

14. Who Is Your Longest Friend & How Long: Stephanie is my ride or die for like 11 years. Like literally I’d die without her I love her so much 

15. Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: pump that GPA up a bit

16. What were you doing at midnight last night: trying (failing) to sleep

17. When was the last time you laughed hard: earlier when I was telling Stephanie a story about my dad

18. Who was the last person that told you they love you: My dad 

19. What was the first thing you thought when you woke up yesterday morning: idk man probably a generic sound of unhappy

20. Where did you go for your first date and who was it with: I don’t even know because like what actually counts as a date?

21. Who’s wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen: never happened

22. Who did you see in concert first: Jimmy Buffet I shit you not

23. Who was your favorite teacher: Paul

24. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day: I text Stephanie 

25. Who do you think about most: probably Stephanie 

26. Is your ideal occupation? Optometrist 

27. Beer, wine, or liquor? liquor 

28. Favourite restaurant?  Saizeriya (it’s in Japan)

29. What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Vanilla with cherry 

30. McDonlads or Burger King? McDonalds 

31. Fantasy dinner guest(s)? Kate McKinnon 

32. Have you ever been drunk? When was the last time? I’m like tipsy rn so? now? idk

33. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done drunk? honestly I don’t even known

34. Wonder Woman or Cat Woman? Wonder? idk

35. How many pets do you have? a single dog

36. What would be the first thing you bought if you won the lottery? idk something stupid like some cheese 

37. When was the first time you smoked? Like a cigarette? Never. Weed? Sometime last fall when I went camping 

38. Who last sent you a text? Stephanie 

39. Who did you last send a text to? Stephanie lmao 

40. What 4 things would you take to a desert island? i’d just die

41. Name the 3 most important people in your life? Shit this is hard because like obviously Stephanie but also my family and there are 4 people in that and I can’t pick whos the most important out of them so 

42. Favorite song? I honestly don’t know

43. Favorite movie? Heathers 

44. When did you last cuddle someone? fuck idk like late march early april?

45. When did you last have sex? see above

46. If you woke up tomorrow with no fear, what would you do first? probably either jump off a roof or tell my dad I’m into girls

47. What was your biggest worry five years ago, do you still feel the same about it at this minute? Abandonment, yes. Constantly 

48. If you could change one law of your country, what would it be? There are way to many fucked up things to even choose 

49. What relationships have ended? But you can’t let go? Idk there was one that at first I couldn’t let go but now I can so?

50. Where would you take a road trip? Albuquerque 

51. How do Mondays feel for you? during the summer, whatever. During the year, like i put a vacuum on my face 

52. If you could spend ten minutes with your ‘hero’ alive or dead what would you ask them? Omg Stephanie how did you get to Germany 

53. Do your practice ‘self love’ or ‘self loathing’? a weird combo of both tbh

54. What’s your greatest achievement to date? Idk I guess getting into JMU is p good 

55. What scares you about your future? That I won’t’ do well enough to get into Optometry school 

56. Why does pizza come in a square box? easier to transport 

57. What would happen if you knew you could not fail? so many things 

58. How does it feel to be photographed? sometimes I hate it but i like being able to look back on the moments 

59. If you could erase an event from your mind, which one would you choose? oh god... maybe seeing my dad cry while I went through security out of Japan for the last time 

60. Do you want your children (if you have any) to be ‘just like you’? No. I want my children to be better than me in every way so that once I’ve taught them all I know they can then teach me what they’ve learned 

61. Do you stand for what you believe in or are you pleasing others? I try to stand for it 

62. If money were no concern, what would you do for the rest of your life? If I had the talent, be a stage actor 

63. What are you thankful for, this moment? That surgery went well yesterday 

64. Do you have same sex fantasies? Well I mean, yeah 

65. If you have had sex in a public place, where? a pool locker room 

66. Have you ever cried during/after sex? nope

67. Who is the oldest person you’ve had sex with? Dylan

68. Who is the youngest person you’ve had sex with? Tori

69. Would you rather be in a relationship with a totally submissive partner or a totally dominant partner? Dom

70. How tall are you? 5′10

71. How much do you weigh? 144 which I was hype about because the last time I’d checked I was 150

72. What color is your hair naturally?  like dirty blondeish?

73. What size jeans do you wear? 8 I think but idk

74. What is your favorite color to wear?   black

75. Do you have any piercings?    just ears

76. Do you have any tattoos?    no

77. Do you care how other people see you?    I mean yeah

78. Do you like sports?  I love ballet but other than that no 

79. How do you feel about age differences in relationships?  It depends. Like below 25 if you have more than a few years I’m iffy, but the older you are the more lenient I am 

80. How do you feel about race differences in relationships?    idgaf

81. Do you believe in karma or fate?    yeah

82. Do you keep a journal? no   

83. Describe the last dream you remember: I can’t remember a recent one 

84. Describe your favorite dream: Don’t really have one

85. Where are some places you would like to visit? Canada, South America, Paris, etc   

86. Any upcoming concerts you want to attend? Paramore and Halsey but I’m too stressed about money to buy tickets 

87. What music do you listen to when you are happy? BTR and early 2000s songs rn

88. What music do you listen to when you are mad?  Breakup songs. I have a playlist

89. Do you like to burn candles or incense? Candles, yes

90. What was the last alcoholic beverage you consumed? Wine

91. What are your favorite alcoholic beverages? I like sex on the beaches and vodka mixed with cranberry juice 

92. Do you smoke cigarettes or cigars? What about marijuana? no cigarettes or cigars. Tried weed twice but it didn’t work 

93. Who is your number 1 friend and why is he or she there? Stephanie becuase she’s always there for me and when everything in my life is falling apart she’s always my rock and I just love her so much 

94. Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member? I don’t know what this means

95. Is there anyone of your friends that you would ever consider having sex with? Of my current friends? Nah I don’t think so

96. Would you ever have sex in the shower or the bath? I DON’T WANT TO DIE

97. Have you ever kissed or had sex with someone of the same sex? yeah

98. Do you think your last ex still wants to be with you? //actual// ex? idk maybe 

99. Ever wondered what it would be like dating the same gender as you? been there, done that

100. What are your outlooks on gay/bisexual people? dude

101. How often do you brush your teeth? twice a day

102. How often do you shower?  When was the last time you had a shower? I try to shower every day. I just took a bath and then washed my hair with the shower head

103. How often do you shave your legs?  rarely lmao

104. Political affiliation? dude

105. Opinion on abortion? duDE

106. Opinion on immigrants/ immigration reform? dUDE

107. Should prostitution be legalized? honestly I don’t know enough to say

108. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? wtf kind of meta

109. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? it’s easier that way

110. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? just like... make everyone stop hating everyone else so much

111. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? acting

112. Would you break the law to save a loved one? 100%

113. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? well technically I live in both Germany and America so this question is too complex

114. Why are you the person you are? what

115. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? I try but I’ve had slipups

116. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? bc ppl suc

117. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? I’‘d probably be a lot more outgoing 

118. Were you happy when you woke up today? no

119. What’s a fact about the last person who text messaged you? Well my mom just texted me and she really liked turtles 

120. Want someone back in your life? At times, but then I remember they’re gone for a reason 

121. What are you excited for? PRAGUE

122. Are you scared to fall in love? sometimes 

123. When is your next road trip?idk

124. What was the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? told stephanie I love her

125. Do you like to cuddle? yeh

126. Have you ever kissed more than one person in 24 hours? maybe? idk

127. Plans for tomorrow? we’re going to see castles 

128. Do you care too much/not at all/just enough? too much

129. How is life going for you right now? :/

130. If you were offered a shot of whiskey right this second, would you accept? yep

131. This time last year, can you remember who you liked? tori

132. Could you stay in the same relationship for over a year? I mean I never have, but I think I could if the military would butt out 

133. If you could have one super power what would it be? transformation 

134. Background on your cell phone? the lockscreen is a gradient from purple to pink and the background is Tyler on a piano 

135. What are you thinking about right this second? these questions 

136. Last book you read? How was it? I Wrote This For You. made me cry. I loved it 

137. What is the last thing you bought? coffee at the airport 

138. Do you live with your parents? during holidays 

139. Have you ever been caught sneaking out? no

140. Have you ever met a celebrity? not like A-list

141. What are you like when you’re drunk?  super giggly 

142. What are you like when you’re high? idk

143. Do you want children? yeah

144. Do you want a church wedding? no

145. How many pillows do you sleep with? as many as I can 

146. Have you ever been scuba diving? nope 

147. Who was your first real crush? this guy Matt in 4th grade lmao

148. What are you allergic to? grass and pollen 

149. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? rn I like the name Vita but ask again in like 3 months 

150. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? Girl just because I feel like I’d be able to raise her better 

151. How did you get your name? My sister pointed at my mom’s baby bump and was like “Michelle!” and they were like ok

152. Name one thing about your body you love? my cheek bones 

153. What is your biggest goal in life? be happy. Like fully

154. Do you still have feelings for your ex? nah

155. Do you think aliens are real? YES

156. What age did you start drinking? my first drink was at 14 but I started like regulatory drinking at 17 

157. What do you think of President Obama? YES

158. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? nah

159. Describe your dream girl/guy? idk

160. Story of your first kiss? we were at a park 

161. Story of the first time you made out with someone? same as ^

162. Story of the first time you had sex? I went over to her house while her parents were at work 

163. When did you first have sex? when I was 18

164. First time you gave/ received oral sex? ^

165. Do you still talk to the person you lost your virginity to? nope

167. Favorite fictional character (movie, book, tv show)? Holtzman

168. How many followers do you have on tumblr? What about twitter/ instagram? 44/87/19

169. Are you friend with your parents on Facebook? yeah

170. First time you thought you were in love? When did you realize that you weren’t actually in love with that person? 14, when we broke up and I realized I was confusing a crush for love 

171. Do you talk to yourself? wayyyy too much 

172. How old will you be on your next birthday? 20

173. How did you meet the last person you kissed? tinder 

174. Do you have any hickies? not rn

175. Turn ons? being confident without being cocky 

176. Turn offs? acting like you’re entitled to me

177. What qualities did you get from your mom? petty, creative 

178. What qualities did you get from your dad? idiot, hard working 

179. How many siblings do you have? 1

180. Have you ever taken anyone’s virginity? yeah

that took so long omg. ily

[eldritchsurveys]

723.

How fast can you say the alphabet? >> I mean, quite fast, I guess.

What are you allergic to? >> I’m not allergic to anything.

If your life were a commercial, what would your commercial jingle say? >> I would not want my life to be trivialised like that.

How many serious relationships have you had? >> Hm.

If you could read one person's mind, who would it be? >> I wouldn’t want to read anyone’s mind. That’s their space, the one place that is inalienably private. I don’t belong in it.

If someone dared you, what dare would you be afraid to attempt? >> ---

How do you like your eggs? >> It depends on the dish.

What's your most expensive piece of clothing? >> My suit, because it was bespoke.

What was your last big achievement? >> I don’t remember the last time I achieved anything, let alone something big. Except, like... video game milestones.

What famous person's memoire would you like to read? >> I had a phase of reading rockstar bios and autobios for a while in my twenties. There are very few people I am interested in enough to read a whole book about, though. And it’s mostly still musicians. Like, I’d read Nick Cave’s memoir if he wrote one.

Have you ever had a "false alarm" moment, what was it about? >> I can’t think of one off the top of my head, but probably.

Do you know how to ride a bike? >> Yeah.

If you could breed two species together what new animal would you create? >> I would rather not, tbh.

Rename a boot camp based on your current fitness level. >> ---

What 5 world leaders would you make sit down in a room to discuss issues? >> I wouldn’t do that. I have no faith in the ability of world leaders to work together like that.

If you were in the hospital who are the two people you'd want by your side? >> Er, there’s only one person I can imagine hanging around while I’m in hospital.

When was the last time you cried and what made you cry? >> Oh, god, it was because of this thing that happened Inworld last night. Oof.

If you could ever take a street sign, what sign do you want? >> I don’t want to take any street signs.

What is your favorite ride at any amusement park? >> ---

Have you ever raised money for chariety? >> Nope.

How do you feel about growing older? >> I don’t really think about it too much except in fleeting feelings of either excitement or anxiety. Mostly I’m interested in what will happen, but also I’m afraid I’ll not live long enough (or become too infirm to enjoy it or something).

What wild animal scares you? >> None as a rule, because I don’t really encounter wild animals often enough to have cultivated a fear of any. But if I was in the situation where like, I was camping and saw a bear or something, yeah, I’d be afraid then.

Do you think actors and athletes are overpaid? >> Sure.

Have you ever been alienated, if so for what? >> I don’t know if anyone has ever intended to alienate me. I know that I feel alienated very often, but that feeling is not necessarily indicative of a thing that’s actually happening.

Have you ever not returned something you borrowed and if so what was it? >> Yeah, library books.

When you pack your lunch, what's your favorite packed lunch? >> ---

What was the one most important thing you learned from your parents? >> Hrm.

How fast can you run? >> Fast enough, I guess. I was always better with sprinting than endurance running.

Have you done something you worry could come back to haunt you, what? >> I mean, I don’t really worry about that, but that’s always a possibility, I guess?

What is your most favorite feature of your favorite electronic device? >> I don’t have a favourite electronic device, I love all of them equally.

If you had to build a small ark, what 7 animals would you save? >> *baffled blink*

What is your favorite Christmas or holiday tradition? >> My favourite tradition is going to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra. When we can afford it, of course.

What novel would you love to be transported into to live out your days? >> I don’t really read the kind of novels that I’d want to inhabit, lmao.

What is your favorite hiding place? >> ---

What is something your parents love that you actually love too? >> ---

Have anyone ever said "I love you" and you couldn't say it back. >> Well, yes, but not because I didn’t return the sentiment, but because I have an enormous mental block against saying stuff like that.

Have you ever ridden a camel? >> Nope.

What's been the hardest loss you've had to take? >> They were all hard, fuck off.

What emotion is your least favorite and the one you are not in touch with? >> Er... well, I’m not in touch with most of my emotions, which is why I have to do so much work on emotional regulation and self-soothing. My least favourites are anger and anxiety because my physiological responses to them are off the charts.

Do you think facial moles or freckles are cute? >> Not... particularly? I don’t really think about them, is what I’m saying.

Would you ever pick up a hitchhiker? >> I don’t drive, so this will never be an issue.

What was your funniest computer or phone wallpaper? >> I don’t have any funny wallpapers.

If you're searching for a relationship, where is your go place to look? >> Inworld.

When and where are you happiest? >> I don’t know, man.

What was your favorite age, so far? >> ---

What is your favorite part of the day? >> Any quiet part of the day.

What book have you read multiple times? >> Anthem is one.

Do you keep a budget? >> No, my income is so low and expenses so few that I can keep it all in my mind with no problem.

Have you ever test driven a car you knew you weren't going to buy? >> ---

What should we take measure of that we currently don't? >> Er, who is “we”, first of all...

Pretend you're doing an interview, what's the first question? >> What???

What do you have a hard time visualizing? >> I don’t know. Visualisation is something I think comes pretty naturally to me.

What makes you feel uncomfortable in group settings? >> The “group” part.

Who is your favorite crooner? >> Hmm. Nat King Cole, maybe.

What was your worst date ever? >> Every time I went out with Tommy and he left the date early to go cop drugs. Or was high or drunk during the date and nodded off at the table or behaved erratically. Or... well, you get the picture.

Have you ever gotten in a bidding war on Ebay, if so for what item? >> Nope.

If you had to pick one food to eat everyday for life, what would it be? >> No. I don’t want to be malnourished.

Are you supportive of your friends even if you don't agree with them? >> I’m supportive of my friends’ right to live their lives as they see fit, without being judged by me or anyone else. The only time I’d speak up is if I am concerned for their well-being especially if it’s something I’ve had past experience with, but at this point I’m so tired of having my genuine concern brushed off as if the fact that I care is unimportant that I might not even bother in the future.

Have you ever used the opposite sex restroom in an emergency? >> Not for that reason, no.

What did you think was stupid until you tried it? >> I can’t think of anything.

What subject do you and your parents never see eye to eye on? >> ---

What gets better with age? >> Staying at home, lmao.

What do you most dislike about your appearance? >> I don’t want to think about this right now.

Where do you see yourself in 1 year's time? >> I’m imaginative but my imagination doesn’t work that way at all.

How scared of the dark are you? >> I’m not.

What is your favorite type of seafood? >> Good question. I don’t think I have a favourite type. I’m just always down for seafood.

What triggers your inner shopaholic? >> I don’t have one of those...

What is the rudest thing a person can do to another person in your opinion? >> I don’t have an opinion about that.

What public figure do you disagree with the most? >> ---

Do you think you could ever be a firefighter, why/why not? >> No. I have too many sensory issues and shit. Just thinking about being stuffed in one of those firefighter suits makes me want to claw my skin off. Also, those fucking alarms! Fuck no.

What is/was your favorite bedtime story? >> ---

What was the last thing to make you feel happy? >> I hugged a plushie.

What is your opinion on rats as pets? >> I think rats are great! If you have a rat and you take good care of it, you’re awesome.

What is something you're afraid to try? >> Vulnerability.

What cartoon character best describes you? >> I don’t know.

What keeps you interested in your goals or dreams? >> ---

What is your favorite actress beginning with the letter J? >> Er... I don’t think I have one.

What song makes you dance uncontrollably? >> Uncontrollable dancing sounds uncomfortable and a bit dodgy. Am I being possessed??? Anyway, Big Freedia songs always make me want to dance, because that’s literally what their music is made for.

If you wanted to live off the radar where would you live? >> I wouldn’t want to live off the radar. I definitely understand the appeal, but I have too many needs that require me to be connected to society in at least a perfunctory fashion.

Do you like nachos, if so what topping is a MUST have? >> They’re all right sometimes. I don’t know what my must-have topping would be.

Do you have any subscriptions? >> Well, yeah, to streaming services and stuff.

Which is better, Mario or Sonic? >> I don’t have an opinion.

Who is the most creative person you know? >> ---

Besides a pickle, what is your favorite thing pickled? >> I don’t know if I’ve had any pickled thing that wasn’t a pickle. I’d like to try some.

What did you do for your 21st birthday? If not, 21 what are your plans? >> I don’t remember. It’s extremely likely that I didn’t do anything at all.

Are you OCD about anything? >> I don’t have obsessive-compulsive disorder, so by default the answer is “no”.

Are you a role model for anyone in your life? >> I assume not.

What song do you hate the most? >> ---

How do you feel about thrift shops or flea markets? >> I think there’s something thrilling about the idea that you’ll find the most amazing clothing item or knickknack or whatever for a steep discount, which is what makes thrifting an Activity(tm) rather than just some routine shopping. But personally, I find thrift stores kind of stressful because there’s always so much stuff. And none of it is ever in any order that I can navigate, and the store is always either intimidatingly large or claustrophobically small, and it's just A Lot. (Also, I don’t enjoy shopping in the first place, and thrifting is kind of like Advanced Shopping...)

What makes you feel rested and refreshed? >> Chilling out in my room doing whatever. I guess. Or being Inworld, more likely.

Do you think you need to slow down and enjoy life more? >> I think I’m pretty slow by nature, but I also spend a lot of time in my own head because of Trauma Brain, and I wish it wasn’t like that. I feel like I miss out on a lot because I’m always busy managing myself.

In what way are you too hard on yourself? >> In what way am I not??

Can you impersonate anyone famous? >> No.

If you could go back in time to change one think what would it be? >> I wouldn’t do this. I’m firmly against it.

Can you honestly say you're enjoying your life right now? >> No, I cannot honestly say that. What I can honestly say is that I’m doing my best.

What is your favorite salty snack? >> All my favourite snacks are salty, so.

What conundrum have you ever faced? >> Er... this question.

What is your favorite restaurant? >> Maybe Long Road Distillery. I don’t really have a favourite restaurant, but they make some damn good everything over there.

Have you ever been in a play for school? >> It was during the summer, like a “summer arts program” or whatever, but yeah.

[lusciousbeast-blog]

219.

Initially, writing about getting married seemed like a GREAT idea. Now, judging by the fact that I’ve barely managed to write once every six weeks or so, the whole thing seems rather pointless. Even now, my brain is really struggling to put a sentence together, due mostly in part to the fact that it’s completely clogged, courtesy of my overconsumption of cheese and eggnog over the past few weeks (if you haven’t tried the Harmony Organic Eggnog, do yourself a favour and get some next Christmas– it’s fucking incredible).  

Time feels like it’s racing. Normally, when I have something really big to look forward to, everything seems to grind to a halt. Not so when you’re planning a wedding. We are now officially less than 8 months away from getting hitched. Now, I know 8 months to most people probably seems like a long time, but when I think it’s been more than that since we got back from Zimbabwe, it’s mental to me. While I’m obviously ridiculously excited to be marrying Craig, the anxiety that has come along with all of it, is overwhelming. So much so, that when I started seeing a naturopath recently, she told me that to her, my body seems like it’s in a constant state of Fight or Flight.

 (In all likelihood, this is something that has been building for a while, long before Craig asked me to be his forever person).

Most of my adult life has been spent planning the next big event to look forward to, while juggling multiple jobs and constantly changing my mind about what I want to be when I grow up. Not one to settle into one thing too easily, (I get SUPER bored if I’m under stimulated), I think it’s all catching up to me now.

When reading all the magazines and other stuff that is the creation of the gazillion dollar wedding industry, I have yet to see an honest account of the “not so pretty” bits of planning what is often billed as the BIGGEST EVENT OF YOUR LIFE.  So that’s going to be my mission today – sharing with y’all some of the things that to date, have almost broken me. In no particular order, here we go.

 BUILDING A WEDDING WEBSITE

Back in the summer, Craig and I were at an audition for a show that was looking for a real-life couple to co-host. While in the waiting room,  we ran in to some friends of his, and he told them about our engagement. After congratulations were given, the husband offered some advice – enjoy every second of it, and know that you will likely get into one big ‘ish fight during the planning process.

SUPER!

When it came to invites, we decided to scrap the whole paper invite thing. For one, because it seems like such an absurd waste of paper, and two, that money could be better spent on say, the open bar, or our photographer, or our kick ass wedding band, or pretty much ANYTHING.  

I’d also perused a bunch of websites and thought it would be a creatively fulfilling process. WRONGO!

After doing the initial research as to what were the most user friendly and aesthetically pleasing sites to use, I started my trial with WeddingWindow. After running into bumps early on (difficulty with picture layout and such), I moved on to (and quickly ditched) WedSite, SquareSpace, Wix and Luvbirds,  before finally deciding to bite the bullet and use Riley and Grey, because they were having a Black Friday 50% off sale. All the sites I tried before them were missing key elements, or were annoying when it came to picture layout and such. Riley and Grey looked very promising, and was going very smoothly, until I tried to upload the picture for the Welcome page, and was met with the spinning wheel of death on my computer screen. This went on for several attempts, at which point I sent a very choicely worded, totally passive aggressive email to customer support, outlining my issue, and explaining, “politely” that what was supposed to be a fun part of an even more fun event, was filling me with rage and almost resulted in my basically brand new computer meeting a premature death.

The gentleman from their support team who got back to me fairly quickly, was incredibly apologetic and spewed out a bunch of tech speak the jist of which, was telling me that they’d just switched their photo editing platform, because Adobe (who powered it previously) basically sucked. I responded with a huge thank you, that I hadn’t quite pulled all my hair out yet, and that he’d saved my iMac from being chucked off my balcony.

I’m pleased to report that the website is now finished, filled with loads of fun pictures and information, and that I checked that fucker off my list.

 THE DRESS

Hm. The Dress. Turns out that buying off the rack is probably the simpler way to go. I’ll keep it simple here by saying that after my first fitting with the dress maker (thankfully only with a cotton muslin version of it), something wasn’t sitting right. I looked frumpy, and the more I thought about it the more I panicked about moving forward with the current design. After much back and forth with my dressmaker (who is LOVELY) and a huge amount of very constructive input from my step-mother, I’m starting from scratch with a new, similar, but more modern and clean version of the initial inspiration I went in with. I was supposed to have the first consultation for this new look last week, but the good old TTC (Toronto’s transit system) ensured that I missed that appointment, even though I gave myself almost two hours to get there. World Class City, incredibly sub-par public transport.

I will report on the progress in the early part of the new year.

 THE TIMELINE

Between all the different weddings I’ve attended and the ones I’ve worked, you’d think I’d have the timeline down. It’s proven to be one of the most anxiety inducing parts. Largely, I think, due to the fact that when I think about things like walking down the aisle with 150 people watching, and giving a wedding speech, I want to throw up a little. My cousin - who is an actor - shared this sentiment when she told me that in spite of her comfort with performing, the thing that she was most unprepared for on her wedding day, was how uncomfortable she felt in the above- mentioned situations. So, I guess it’s normal? Regardless, wanting to make sure people aren’t bored at ANY point, is a big deal. From what I’ve witnessed, most wedding timelines aren’t fully adhered too anyway. This doesn’t change that fact that I think it’s hilarious and sad all at the same time, that someone (me) who organizes the hell out of her life, crumbles at the thought of putting together a timeline, for ONE DAY.

 THE GUEST LIST

Craig can confirm, that barely 48 hours after he proposed, while we were on the flight from Harare to Victoria Falls, I’d already done a rough guest list. Initially I think we both thought we’d be able to contain it to 120 or so people. At last count, I think we’d invited 182 (including kids, who may get left behind).  Our guest list seems to have exploded, and we don’t even have big families to blame! What we feel very confident about however, is that we have the makings for one of the best parties, ever. We both agreed that looking back we’d be more regretful of certain people not being there, than the money we saved trying to contain things. After all, your wedding day is quite possibly the only other time apart from your funeral, where you can bring all the people you love most in the world, together at the same time, and THAT my friends, is pretty awesome.

 QUESTIONING EVERY LITTLE GOD DAMN BIT OF YOUR LIFE

Perhaps it has more to do with the fact that our wedding date is uncomfortably close to when I will turn 40, but the past few months have been filled with self-doubt, fear of the future, questions about my choice (or lack thereof) in career path, guilt over the way I handle certain situations, etc. etc. etc. If it can be doubted, it seems I will doubt it! Thankfully, the one thing I have not doubted, even for one second, is my choice in partner. I am reminded of this on a daily basis. I have managed to find someone who indulges my every impulse (from buying Wally’s World Mugs to drink eggnog out of while watching Christmas Vacation, to immediately agreeing to spontaneous road trips to visit friends, to jumping into the gorge of Victoria Falls attached to a bunjee chord), embraces all my quirks, and stands by patiently, as I anally retentively count every piece of rice his 11 yr has just dropped on the floor while eating take out. That, my friends, is called HITTING THE JACK POT.

 ACKNOWLEDGING THAT CERTAIN THINGS MAY NOT GO AS PLANNED

When I wrote this (last week) I was on a train to Morrisburg to start our Christmas rounds with family and friends. On New Years Eve, I barely made it to midnight, was having body aches and chills, and was dealing with an angry back.

The next night, Jan 1st, 2018, I could barely move without feeling like someone was stabbing me in the back.

Here comes the raw truth of what has been going through my mind now, for several months. I’m TERRIFIED of dying. Always have been.  Even more so now that I have a wedding date a little less than 8 moths away. Usually an optimist, now that I have a date looming I can’t help but think about all the possible ways the universe might interfere with me actually getting to that day.

On January 1st, I felt like death. Exhausted from all the visiting, and over indulging, and sleeping in older, not so supportive beds, AND dealing with INTENSE back pain, as well as an upset stomach, my mind got flooded with memories of my mother when she was going through chemo. Before I knew what was happening, I was uncontrollably sobbing, because I am SO scared of ever having to go through it too.  I don’t know how long this lasted, but I can tell you in that moment, when Craig held me and let me cry so hard I was hyperventilating (at which point he helped calm me down, you know, so I could breathe), I’ve never been more certain that this one part of my life, is super solid. Craig is there with me in my most vulnerable moments, free of judgement, always.

The next morning, after another sleepless, pain filled night, I found out that a contract I’ve had for 4 and half years, was coming to an end, due to a network re-brand. A day I knew would come eventually, just with really sucky timing in this case. Again, Craig was there at my side as I cried. And cried. And cried some more.  In my “PLAN,” this job would have kept going at least until the end of the year, allowing me a little breathing room after I got married, to figure out my next move.

It was not to be.

Today, I’m feeling a little more optimistic. I’ve had a few different physical therapy sessions on my back, and am trying to look at the bright side of not being bound to a weekly gig. I’m choosing to put my energy into focusing on what’s next, the possibilities that await, and mostly, that I have the partner I do, to move through all the unknown with.

What has this got to do with the wedding?

We can try and plan the shit out of this wedding, but the reality is, some things might get dropped along the way, or may not go down exactly the way we picture it in our heads, because that’s life.

Chances are the one thing I can guarantee, is that I will be a blubbery mess (tears of joy obvi) because I get to marry Craig , surrounded by most of my favourite people on the planet. Can’t get much better than that really. 

[allmyotps1]

darkcocosb:

empirestatesugar-deactivated201:

Invent fake facts about yourself. Create an email address specifically for sugaring and only email them there. Get the Google Voice App and create a phone number to text/call men from distinct from your own. Use a fake name for the first few dates. List the next town over as your location on your profile and never tell them the actual college that you go to — especially if it’s small! If they ask what your parents do for a living, make it up or be vague. Once you’re super comfortable with them, you can tell them “Oh my name’s actually Katherine, not Katelynn” or even give them your real phone number if you want to as I often snapchat with NASA. But he’s the only one of my SDs who knows it as Google Voice works flawlessly and the others don’t really need it.

On an opposite note, get as many details as possible about him from him or through background searching. If he tells you he’s the CEO of Apple, go to Apple’s website and confirm that. Also, invest in a Spokeo Account. Don’t be that annoying SB who begs girls to look men up for her. A lot of girls only buy the monthly plan which has a search quota so if these girls are kindly looking men up for you, that’s less POTs they can search for themselves. I think it’s like $49.95 per year and it’s well worth the money for the amount of information it gives you. You can reverse search his phone number, email, name, etc. to find out his address, income, family members — anything! I love to find their children’s names then look them up on Facebook to see how they live. Riding horses on vacation in Santorini as your cover photo? Okay, I’ll break bread with your dad tomorrow. Little Ashley’s making duck faces and wearing Abercrombie? Sorry, John, I’m actually no longer searching for an SD — best of luck!

Get as many photos as possible (5+) from a man you’re talking to so that you can reverse search them and find out company info, criminal history, or if he’s on any other sites to cross-check age, location, and other facts on the profile you first saw him on.

Before a first meet, Skype with him (for 5 to 30 minutes) to again make sure the photos he sent are of him and not some handsome model on JCrew’s website (guys on SD4M do this all the time — you’re not slick)! While you don’t want the skype date to replace the first date, it is a good way to keep and/or build up his interest and by revealing yourself in 3D and decreasing his chances of cancelling/flaking on you. New SDs in particular often get nervous by the whole process, especially if they’re married, so if he sees “Wow! She’s gorgeous/real/funny/witty/ and excited to see me Thursday!” he’ll be more at ease not only to go through with the meet, but to spend more chedda. Moreover, a Skype date can show you “Wow! He’s an asshole and begging me to slide the camera down to my boobs.” So you can know way before you spend hours on hair and make-up that the date will be a waste.

Need for discretion. If a man doesn’t tell you much about himself, his job, or his life, is using a GV number or a fake email, is going by a fake name, it does not matter at all. 9 times out of 10 I show up to POT dates knowing the results of their latest colonoscopy while they think I don’t even know their name. Focus on the steps above and let them think they’re slicker than you. Nigerian Prince never told me his real name. I knew it from 5 seconds after he emailed me, but I played along and feigned ignorance because I knew he was safe and rich and whatever other secrets he kept from me were irrelevant. After our first date, he revealed his real career, location, (still not his real name) etc. and I’d already known it all, but, like us, he was simply wary of giving too much info to the wrong person. My favorite is when a guy emails you from his real email using a fake name. “Inbox: New Email from Steve Jobs” “Hey it’s Mike!” lmfao Hey Mike! Whatever makes you comfortable enough to meet me for dinner and pay me. All this being said, sometimes a man’s “need for discretion” makes it fucking impossible to find out anything from him. In that case, I say “While I respect your need for discretion, it does not trump my need for safety and I would not feel comfortable meeting you for dinner without…(at least a skype date)(as many photos as I’ve sent you)(information about XYZ)(etc.).” If he refuses to accommodate, he’s blatantly disrespectful of your safety concerns and he’s not worth your time.

Asks for sexy photos. You really need to make sure your profile photos are serve their purpose and depict what you look like from head to toe. If you only include iPhoto face shots, that’s dandy but you need a full body shot of you in a cute outfit and I also always include a bikini shot. Nothing raunchy, just a fun day at the beach. If they’re asking for sexy photos and you already have full body shots on your profile, then kindly end it because they’re 12 year old horn dogs stuck in 45 year old bodies. But if your photos suck and they just want to confirm that you’re not Shrek, then you need to amp up your profile and oblige.

Asks your favorite position, kinkiest moment, sex history, what you’re into etc.There’s no space for immature, tacky, desperate rapid fire sex questions in the sugar bowl. At its core, sugaring is about companionship, chemistry, and fun times. If he needs a rap sheet of what you will and will not do in the bed room, then he should call up a pimp and ask for a very specific hooker. Even if you tell him this and he apologizes and stops, you still know that that’s his main incentive for joining this site so he’s probably looking for pay for play but has too much pride to admit to wanting a prostitute. If you’re fine with 4 hours a month with this man for however much you agree on, then boom! You just landed on easy money. But if you’re looking strictly for a sugar arrangement with outings, dinners, etc. then you need to move on. But be mindful that a lot of these men might be into BDSM, so if they ask specifically if you have interest in that then that’s not necessarily a red flag so much as them not wanting to waste either of your time. If you do say yes, however, and he presses you with sex questions, he’s equally guilty of the above offense.

Sleezy username/bad grammar. If “Hotsex69” messages you, you already know what he’s there for. He’s not a sugar daddy. He’s blatantly looking for pay for play.

Takes offense to your precautions. A lot of men will quickly realize that you both have iPhones and that your messages aren’t coming up blue. If he questions it, let him know straight up, “I’m using an app called Google Voice so that I don’t have to share my real phone number with strangers. Once I’m comfortable enough with you, I will give you my real number and you can reach me there.” 99% of guys completely get it and think “Damn, I wish I’d thought of that. She’s smart and safe and not full of shit! I can tell a lot of guys have wasted her time and I don’t want to be one, so I better step it up if I ever want the honor of using iMessage with this hottie!” The other 1% will cry like little bitches and be like “We’ve hit it off thus far! Don’t you trust me?!?” If he honestly thinks trust can be fostered after a few email messages, he’ll be equally pissy when you don’t have sex on the first date or when you reject his marriage proposal on the second date.

Insists on meeting for just drinks. 10:00pm drinks at the hotel bar so you can get drunk and then go upstairs? Um no. In a fun way, tell him you’d rather meet for dinner at this great restaurant you’re dying to try yada yada. I had this one guy come back at me with “How about we start with drinks and if we hit it off, then we can get dinner?” Lmfao why?! I literally see no incentive to that besides wanting to roofie me. If you’re that awkward and can’t be around a younger, more attractive woman without drinking then let’s drink at dinner. Have 10 glasses of wine with your food. I don’t care. But if I’m getting dolled up, I’m eating food. You are not skimping out on buying me dinner and you are not roofie-ing me and you are not getting me drunk so you can drag me back to your lair. I do too much damn cardio to drink my calories. Buy me dinner, you fuck.

Meet in a public place and STAY in a public place. Stroll in Central Park? Awesome! He wants to wander past the “DO NOT ENTER” sign and show you this ‘amazing view of the river’? Nope. Restaurants, coffee, theater — doesn’t matter as long as you’re surrounded by witnesses.

Have your own transportation to AND from a first meet. And from. And. From. AND FROM!!! Not “Oh I took a taxi here, but let me save $10 and go home with him — he was so funny and obviously legitimate!” Even if that’s true and he’s a sweetie and who he says he is, these men never need to know where you live. (Notice I did not say never should know. Doctor knows where I live and that’s fine. But he doesn’t need to.) If you ultimately decide you’re comfortable with having an SD over at your apartment, then that will come after several dates, not the first. Plus, the chase is half the fun for him. Don’t reveal all of yourself too quickly. For this same reason, never get into his car on the first date. Besides just safety reasons, you don’t want him to feel like (physically and mentally) that he has you 100%. Leave something to be desired.

Tell someone where you are and who you’re going with. If you’re close with a friend or relative who is non-judgmental, make sure they know where your date is and when you’ll be back. Otherwise, find a resource on here (I’ll gladly help you out)and text them (from your GV number) where you are going, when you get there, when you leave, and when you are home. Whenever I get in an SDs car for the first time, I always text my sugar friends his license number.

Some SBs insist on staying sober. I like to drink and I can handle it, so I do. But definitely don’t get drunk. It’s sloppy and unattractive but will also distract you from your goal of setting an allowance/arrangement in place and getting to know this man better. Plus, it will impair your judgment and prevent you from remembering the rest of these safety tips.

Doesn’t bring a gift or cash to the first date. Stop being so entitled. At this point, he owes you just as much as you owe him — nothing.

The car he drives. The $3000 allowance of a man who drives an Aston Martin is just as green as that of the man who drives a Jeep Grand Cherokee.

Offers you a ride there or back. He might genuinely want to save you the hassle of travelling. Most of these men are fathers and have that protective instinct. It’s 9pm, dark out, she’s waiting for a cab, this is nonsense, I’ll drive her. It’s not a redflag that he’s trying to be a gentleman, but either way, maintain your stance and politely decline.

Awkward behavior. Steve Jobs gave brilliant speeches, but outside of that, the dude was awkward as fuck. Nonetheless, he was richer than God. If a guy reaches to hold your hand on the first date and you don’t want him to, just say, “John, I’m having an absolute blast but I’m just not comfortable with that yet.” There’s no need to flip out and write a post saying OMG THIS GUY WAS SO CREEPY HE LIKE TRIED TO RAPE ME BLACKLIST!!!!! Doctor is the most awkward guy I’ve ever met in my entire life. Like him, many of these POTs were valedictorians of Harvard who went on to spend the next 8-12 years of their lives accumulating degrees in the dungeons of the Ivy Leagues. They lack sunlight and social skills. It’s okay. That doesn’t mean be wishy-washy when he tries to cop a feel. No. Be firm and put him in his place. If he makes you excessively uncomfortable, end the date and don’t pursue another. But if he stutters or can’t maintain eye contact or holds eye contact for too long or snorts or recites how beautiful you are or has a creepy smile, that doesn’t necessarily make him a potential serial killer.

Talks about hotel time, private time, intimate time, ‘getting away’. There will be no sex on the first date. There will be no sex on the first date. There will be NO SEX on the first date. If he thinks dinner and a few hundred dollars gets you two “alone time” at the Ritz Carlton, then send him packing. Be blunt and embarrass that loser. Literally say, “John, I’ve had a blast getting to know you thus far but I have zero interest in trading sex for lobster and a gas money. I’m a lady who is looking for a gentleman with the means to provide for her and support her. If you’re only interested in sex in exchange for money, then you’re looking for an escort, not a sugar baby, and a second date would be a waste of both of our time.” Scare the shit out of him and make him realize just how crass and pathetic he’s being. You wear the pants. He’ll straighten up very quickly, or realize that you’re right and head down to the corner of main street instead.

Cringes at the bill or what you’re ordering. If he can’t afford lobster, desert, or how many drinks you’re getting, he can’t afford you. This is an absolute no brainer. Even if he says he can afford your $3000 monthly allowance, if it means he’s going without food, laundry, or anything else just to afford it for you now, there WILL come a later when he leaves you hanging. A real SD loves to treat you and doesn’t care if you buy the bar!

Switches stories. It’s one thing from initially stating he’s in finance to getting more specific about which sector or region he works in, but if yesterday he was CEO of Apple and today he’s a professor, he’s probably full of shit. Don’t be afraid to call him out on it. “I thought you said —-?” Learn the dynamics of body language and be able to discern when someone is lying or hiding key information from you. He could very well be the manager of the local K-Mart hoping to spend as many free dates with you as possible before you catch him in his lie.

Insists on anything. If he’s choosing your meal for you, forcing you to ride home with him, or backing you into a corner in any way, ditch him. If he’s that pushy on the first date, he’ll be even more pushy on the second or on the third because you let him win this time.

Use a condom.

If you don’t use a condom, get tested regularly together and show each other the results.

Doesn’t meet allowance. If he owes you $500 per meet and misses a meet, he needs to bring it to the next meet, or else he’s breaking the terms of the arrangement. If it’s the end of the month and he shows up without allowance, he needs to send it to you/bring it to the next meet, or else he’s breaking the terms of the arrangement. Do not let him get comfortable and think of you as a friend or girlfriend. This is a SUGAR ARRANGEMENT. Do not let him treat you like something that you’re not and get sloppy with the reason why we’re here.

Wants to meet your family. Doctor still insists on introducing me to his sisters. Eck. Whatever. But he’s never meeting any of my family. I am not your girlfriend. This is not a relationship. We have no real future together. Read this haiku. It is the anthem of the bowl.

Insists on not using a condom, trying XYZ in bed that makes you uncomfortable. As always, don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with and let them know. A real SD will put his desires aside for your safety and comcort. If he’s being pushy in bed or otherwise, he’s not there for your best interest.

Asks about your personal life. It’s not weird for a man to want to know what classes you’re taking or what’s new in your world. He’s not being creepy or nosy, he’s just curious about what makes you tick. He shouldn’t be prying into if you have a boyfriend or anything super specific, but don’t get weirded out if he asks a lot of things about you.

Asks for sexy pics or texts suggestively. After you’re intimate together, this really is fair game to ask. As always, you need not oblige, and if you do, play it safe and don’t include your face or use SnapChat. But just because he’s thinking of sex more doesn’t mean he’s still not invested in being a sugar daddy. If it makes you uncomfortable, say so. If he’s a true SD, he’ll respect your boundaries and get over it.

Is affectionate in public. Just because he likes to hold your hand and kiss you, doesn’t mean he’s thinking of you as a girlfriend and less of an SD and forgetting your arrangement. If PDA makes you uncomfortable and you need a bit more discretion, let him know. But just because he likes your soft skin doesn’t mean he’s going to propose and leave your arrangement in the dust. He might just like your soft skin.

Hates shopping. Not surprisingly, a lot of men hate shopping, especially for women or with women or in women’s stores. So just because he’s not buying you louboutins doesn’t mean he won’t give you the money to buy them yourself.

Your token line is: “I’m not comfortable with that (yet).” Don’t be wishy-washy! If he wants to have sex and you lie and say “Oh uh I’m on my period” he’ll just ask again the next time. Instead, be honest and be firm saying you’re not comfortable with sex, riding in his car, his hand on your leg, meeting his mom, etc. etc. etc. Drop this line WHENEVER you need to say no. It sets the tone that you are the one who sets the boundaries of the relationship and that those boundaries will not be crossed. If a man ever persists against something you’ve blatantly stated makes you uncomfortable, then you know it’s time to end things.

Never let the prospect of money trump the prospect of danger.

Great post. But Steve Jobbs is never richer than God.

[canaryatlaw]

So I'm kind of tired, but it's more of a you woke up at 7 am and are still awake at 1 am go to bed tired rather than a complete and total state of exhaustion. This has also been the first week when I've gotten out of bed on time every morning since at least the beginning of February. I'm very happy about that. Anyway, today was pretty good, busy but good. I did wake up at 7, got ready and went to work, where I continued to work on the huge stack of trial prep papers I have, which I am slowly but surely making progress on. After spending another 8 hours on it I'd say I'm probably a third of the way through. The document I'm writing up is around 30 pages. Sigh. This is gonna take a while. But yeah, I worked on that pretty much all day, which is fine, it's boring but it's not terrible, at least it requires some brain power in summarizing and formulating what to write, so it's better than just flipping through files aimlessly. Over my lunch hour I traded between reading my oral argument outline and catching up on fanfiction, lol. I feel like I'm not making a dent into the massive back up in my inbox, but I am steadily reading and deleting emails, so it's gotta add up at some point. Hopefully over break I'll have time to really address that. The highlight of the day came around 4:40 shortly before I had to go. I had given my supervisor the affiliation agreement and first report we needed to do for field placement for him to sign off on, and the office has the supervisors do a mid-point and end-point evaluation that they keep on file in case you want to work there (since pretty much everyone they hire has clerked for them) so he had me look it over at the same time and omg you guys, it was so nice I wanted to start crying. I was a little nervous about it because I did miss a lot of days because I was so fucking exhausted for an entire month, and there was that whole incident with the crazy attorney saying I lied to her (which I knew he knew wasn't true, but still) but it was nothing but compliments and it really made me so happy. I actually wrote it down on my computer to put in my "cheer up notes" doc and I wanted to share with you guys what it was because it made me so happy, so here it is: “Rachel is hard-working, intelligent and has an incredible ability to learn the mission statement of the Office of the Public Guardian. She is an excellent legal writer and is very open to receiving comments. She has good courtroom presence and is a pleasure to work with in the office. She has all the elements in her to become a remarkable attorney and guardian ad litem.” Like......I don't think I could ask for a more glowing recommendation. And like, I do work hard. I work really hard, but I don't necessarily expect it to be noticed, I've kind of been conditioned to think it's the way it HAS to be if you want any chance of surviving in the real world, and maybe it is, but to see it really noticed like that just made me really, really happy. So that left me on a good note, though I then proceeded to leave my lunchbox in the refrigerator, where it'll hopefully stay for the next week since I'll be on spring break. Whoops, lol. So I had to do my oral argument at school at 5:30, and I did not trust public transportation to get me there on time because I've been burned way too many times by it. I knew getting an uber would mean having to deal with traffic, but I figured it still gave me a better shot. Except my uber app crashed like 3 times before I could even get one, so I ended up saying fuck it and used Lyft (not that it really matters, since most drivers are on both). Got a nice driver, had a pleasant conversation with her, traded stories of crazy funny things her kids have done and my siblings have done. It was nice. I ended up getting to school around 5:25, a little later than I would've liked but it worked. Our prof wanted us to go in pairs, one for each side, so we could argue against each other basically. So the girl I'm against is already there, we're friends so it's not a big deal, but we sit and talk for a few before our prof shows up and we get started. Overall it went pretty well, there were a few times I kind of got stuck cuz she like brought up a case I hadn't read and I just had to admit that which kind of sucked (but at the end she said in real life that wouldn't happen because you'd get your opponent's brief in advance so you'd know what to argue). But she said we both did really well, and I can deal with that. So I was happy with that. By the time we finished it was like 5:55, and I had small group at 7:30 so I had some time to kill. I went down to the lounge but it was like, completely and totally deserted so I didn't feel like sticking around there, so I went to the subway down the street and got some food since my dinner was in my lunchbox in the fridge at the office. I still had some time to kill after that, so I went across the street and got some tea from Starbucks and sat in there for a while, reading the law review article we're supposed to read for LARC tomorrow. By 7 I started heading over to the church and made it right on time. Small group was good, it was focused a lot on loving your neighbor, which if you've been following me for any length of time you know is a subject I can wax poetic on for hours on end because I have so very many feelings on the topic. It's one of the reasons I picked this small group over the others that fit into my schedule, because it's called "knowing God and loving others" and I liked that a lot. So we read the story of the Good Samaritan which of course I could recite to you by heart at this point. Then they had us break up into pies to discuss our thoughts on it and I got paired with this kind of awkward guy who was sitting next to me, he's probably at least 30 and balding quite a bit and just generally quiet, but I'm good at talking, especially on a subject like this, so we were able to keep a decent discussion going. When we reconvened as a group and they wanted to know what we talked about I of course brought up my distaste for how just about everyone walks by the homeless without so much as a second thought, as if they're not even human, and how Christians have become so good at limiting our compassion to those we think deserve it, which goes exactly against the lesson the bible is teaching here. I also talked about how love is essentially the central tenet of Christianity (1 John 4:8- "God is love" "all the commandments come down to this- love the Lord you God with all your heart soul and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself") and yet we've become so good at getting stuck in the complex pieces and tangential issues of religion without first applying love as an overriding principle, which is how you get the strict religious types like the Pharisees and their modern day equivalents (I don't need to name names, you know who I'm talking about). I then also brought up the les mis quote I'm quite fond of, "to love another person is to see the face of God," meaning God is the definition of pure love, his very character is reflected in you loving the people around you in the most selfless way. And I just think that's such a perfect way to put it, really. So yeah, as evidenced by the last several hundred words, this is obviously an issue I could go on about at length, so it was nice to get some of that out tonight. I've been enjoying small group a lot, though getting home afterwards has been a pain. I took the bus to the normal train stop I've been using for the route to church, but the bus was still 20 minutes away. Boo. It was 9:30 at that point, and the donut shop I tried the other day is right there and doesn't close till 10, so I figured if I have to wait 20 minutes for a bus I at least want to do it with a donut. I feel like actually trying one of their donuts on Sunday was a bad idea because now whenever I'm waiting I'm gonna be like "mmmm, donuts" because now I know how good they are. They obviously only had a limited selection left, but I ended up picking a captain crunch Bismarck donut, which ended up being like the exact type of donut I always want haha, it was a glazed donut stuffed with captain crunch infused vanilla custard with a few pieces of captain crunch on top, and it was just heaven. Eventually the bus did come, and eventually I did get home. I wasn't ready for bed yet so I turned on Training Day, which was a pretty solid episode. I need to know how many more episodes we're getting though, and how they're gonna wrap it up. As far as I can tell they haven't released any press beyond episode 1x07, but that may not mean anything left. It stinks because the show did have a lot of potential, but you really can't continue on when you lose the actor who is legit the main character and heart of the show. Sigh. It was good though, plenty of good action for Rebecca which I always appreciate. Then I watched Powerless quickly, which was hilarious as always, and I loved the captain cold shoutout, very funny episode. Then I spent like 15 minutes facing my damn affiliation agreement and evaluation to the field placement lady, though I probably shouldn't complain because she's been exceedingly patient with my quite late submission of these documents, probably because it's a pass/fail situation, but I still appreciate it. And yeah, then I packed my bag quickly because tomorrow is the start of the church kids team retreat a bit outside of the city, just for one night. Should be fun though! I'm looking forward to it, even if I may be the youngest person there 😂 we'll see. And then I got ready for bed and hear we are. I am tired though so I'll sign off here. Goodnight ladies and gents. Happy Friday.