#you would ask the One Mutual with a trap for you profile this question. okay then

[asherasgayagenda]

I wish eng had trap for you so I could put naru and hiyori in it and make them kiss. live jun reaction or whatever

I WSIH ENG HAD TRAP FOR YOU SO BADLY. I WOULDNT NEED TO RELY ON OTHER PEOPLE TO MAKE THE PERFECT SHOTS

i can totally imagine that alright. Live Jun Reaction. ohiisan what are you doing

[thedyingmoon]

I dont know if im doing this correctly... god i hope so. Im a virgin at tumblr and at sending asks. First i need to tell you that I love your writing, "I see my future before me" is amazing and so enjoyable and "chat buddies" is so funny. I love vergil and V so much. Now i wanna ask something i know you say that you dont do smut and thats perfectly fine, but... what about a romantic/make out session with V inside a Phone thingy. Hugs and kisses(you dont have to do it if you feel unconfi with it)

Hello! I'm so sorry this took a long time to do. 🙈🙈🙈

Anyway, here you go. Enjoy!

A/N: Written while listening to Rachmaninoff ( the king of angst ) Piano Concerto No. 2 in D minor.

***

🖤 Stay 🖤

***

Everything was ruined the moment you decided to confess to him.

Well, yeah, at first you thought he was intimidating and all, considering the fact that he kept to himself most of the time and actually gave no shits to others around him. And during those times when he did bother to join the team, he would always assert dominance over everyone, including you, and that would make things a bit harder, albeit more organized, since any of you no longer had to formulate proper strategies, since he already made some.

But, you had to admit that, during those times when you do get to go with him during missions, you learned his gestures, his distinct mannerisms, heck, even his habit of quoting poetry. And then, you realized that he was actually not the person you thought he was when you first saw him.

The cleverness of his every action, the tenacity to stay alive, the authority he exudes, the kindness he radiates, the sheer strength of his willpower,...

... his love for poetry, his deep voice, his emerald - colored eyes, his smile,...

... and yes, that smile,...

Ah, yes. It was safe to say that, after a month of being with the tattooed poet, you fell head over heels for him.

And that, alone, was a vast understatement.

And it came to the point where keeping your feelings all to yourself was no longer bearable that you just had to confess ( with a little urging from the others, especially Griffon, who kind of sensed your feelings from the very beginning ).

So, one day, that one fateful day, you mustered up all the courage you could, walked up to him and called his attention.

Then, you said it, the dreaded three words, matched and laced by other jumbled phrases and sentences that you could barely remember.

And, just like that, he told you, flat out, that the feelings aren't mutual, and that he could not, would not, reciprocate through any means.

Of course, you two came to a point where a sort of friendship was established between the two of you.

But,...

Everything was ruined the moment you decided to confess to him.

No.

More like fucked up.

And that was three whole months ago since that summer month.

Despite the embarrassing situation you two were in because of that failed attempt at an honest - to - goodness confession, you still went on missions together because no other Demon Hunter in your team could match his unique skills than you ( the others are just too brash and unrefined ). Of course, the first few weeks were very awkward. The two of you found it hard to look into each other's eyes and you barely talked to each other. The atmosphere around the two of you felt heavy and stiffling that you honestly regretted your decision to confess and ruin your decent friendship.

But, soon enough, after a few more days, you learned to move casually around him like before. You managed to maintain eye contact with him for a few minutes and regained your confidence to speak with him without feeling uncomfortable.

A few days after those torturous weeks, you learned to be yourself once more, despite the fact that you cried yourself to sleep for nights on end after his rejection.

Despite the fact that you tried to hide the bags under your eyes with heavy foundation,...

Despite the fact that you stopped listening to music entirely because every song, every lyric, every story, reminded you of him,...

Despite the fact that you were losing your appetite and that the others were beginning to notice your weight loss,...

Despite the fact the you hid all the hurt behind a smile while telling everyone that you're okay,...

Despite the fact that it hurt you even more to see him on a daily basis, reluctantly reminding yourself that you two were just not meant for each other and that you should move on.

...

And move on, you shall.

You were still in this one - sided painful loop of emotions that one cold and dreary day out in an unknown town with V for a mission when something truly unexpected happened.

You and V made your way to the only phone booth in town ( which was located in the middle of an almost empty road a few kilometers away from the next distinguishable establishment or building ) to call Nico and let her know that you successfully finished your mission.

As usual, V was the one who entered the booth to use the phone while you patiently waited outside.

Your back was turned against him all this time but, you suddenly felt an urge to look back at him like something, like an unknown force, pushed you to do it.

And there he was, actually staring at you as he talked to Nico on the phone. He had this strange look in his eyes and his eyebrows were furrowed as if he was deep in thought.

Your own eyebrows furrowed as well.

Was there something wrong?

However, you were not given the chance to muse about this any longer as rain started falling from the sky. You gasped and flinched with the sudden coldness, instinctively trying to cover your head with your hands as you made your way inside the booth. And as you entered, the cramped space did nothing but heighten the tension that V seemed to sense around you, and it actually made you very, very uncomfortable.

Well, there's no other way, right? He has to put up with the lack of space. After all, it would be for the last time -

"Who is Leon?"

At the sound of utter confusion and shock in his deep voice, you glanced up at the man who was only mere inches away from you.

"Oh, he's,..." you began, uncertain how he found out about Leon Kennedy. But, of course! Nico had to mention him to V. " ... my new partner. A high profile client from Europe has commissioned us to take on a top secret mission the day after tomorrow."

To those simple words you just uttered, V's eyes widened even more.

"So, you're,..." V began, his face getting darker by the second. "... you're coming back, right?"

Damn you for being such a big mouth, Nico!

You bit your lip, thinking it was no use to hide the secret from V any longer.

"V, I'm staying there. For good."

Silence. At first, you thought his stricken reaction would only be momentary, since he really didn't have any sort of connection to you to begin with, so there's actually no use in him even reacting, at all.

Until,...

"You're leaving and you never once told me while the others already know." He pressed on, his voice suspiciously getting darker and darker. Like he actually cared about you leaving him. "Why?"

You laughed nervously at his question, actually feeling kind of cornered that V was interrogating you this way like some kind of a criminal.

But, why even bother? You are nothing to him, and you knew that! You learned the hard way,...

"Aren't you happy that I'm finally getting a much better career opportunity?" You attempted to answer in a light - hearted, even jesting, tone, hoping, praying, for the gravity of your words to reach V. "I mean, me! The second rate Demon Hunter me finally getting a once in a lifetime chance to work at a better place! How cool is that?"

"You did not,... answer,... my question."

You slightly drew back at what you just witnessed. Somehow, V looked conflicted in some way. His eyes, which was giving you intense stares since that moment he talked to Nico on the phone, never left yours, and his posture looked more intimidating than ever before.

And he looked mad, and,... possibly hurt,... at the same time for some reason,...

You only sighed. "V, I see no reason to let you know. I mean, hey, at least you won't have to deal with my shit any longer."

"I never,... said,... you were shit."

Once again, you flinched at his words. "Don't make this any harder for the both of us. We both know this would happen any time, and you know this is inevitable."

To your utter shock and total fear, the man slammed a hand against the glass door of the booth mere inches away from the side of your face. Your shoulders tensed, your eyes closed, you were so confused as to what was going on between the two of you.

And so, so scared.

Why, V? Why?

"I' am making this harder for the both of us?!" You never heard V talk in such a way, and it honestly frightened you to the core. This is not the V you were used to. He was kind, and gentle, he was soft, and above all, understanding,...

But, all of those things were absent from him, and you honestly don't know anymore who you were talking with.

"Please, V, stop this - "

"Are you just escaping me, then?"

Your eyes snapped open, and when you finally looked at his eyes, you saw the hurt, the anguish, the torment in them.

There was no mistaking it.

He didn't want you to leave. At all.

"Maybe."

You flinched as another hand slammed on the door, this time on the opposite side. That's it, you were hopelessly trapped by the man.

By the man you still adored above all else.

"Why?!"

"I want to move on, V!" The words came out of your mouth ripped your heart apart, the gravity and truth in them hurting you and torturing you from the inside. "Every time I see you, my eyes sting. Every time I hear your voice, my chest hurts. Every time I see your face, my body goes weak. I thought I cried enough for you but, I was wrong! How stupid of me to think I was finally learning to move on but, no! As always, I'm wrong!"

"(Y/N),..."

"You listen: I want to go away from here, away from you, as far as possible! So I could learn to be myself again! So I could learn to enjoy the things I once loved! So I could learn to smile without getting hurt again!

"I love you so much, V. But, I know I mean nothing to you! I know you never cared! I know I'll never be good enough for you! I'm not worthy! And I don't want to impose my feelings for you any longer because then I know you would only drift away from me further until I could no longer reach you!

"So, please, let me go! Set the both of us free!"

"No."

"WHY?!"

The man's eyes finally started to glisten with the unshed tears that tortured him for weeks since that moment you confessed to him.

Of course he noticed how your eyes were always red and how they have huge bags under them. Of course he noticed how you stopped listening to music - the thing you adored so, so much. Of course he noticed how you were losing your vitality and not only your weight and appetite. Of course he knew that smile of yours was only a facade to hide your sadness.

Of course he knew you wanted to move on.

But, who could blame him for acting this way?

During the course of those three months since that infamous confession, a strange kind of emotion has awoken inside V. At first, he simply ignored this, since he assumed that what you were feeling for him was merely some kind of infatuation of some sort and nothing too deep.

However, as days passed, he began seeing more and more of you in a different light. For the first time in many days, he saw the gracefulness in your movements. He saw how you selflessly cared about others around you. He saw how you unconditionally showed kindness even to the lowest of beings that others might consider trash.

And, above all, he missed your little talks about yourself. He missed the sweet voice that greets his ears each morning whenever you sing to your favorite songs on the radio. He missed how you doted on him and him alone and how you ignored Dante's childish demands for attention, despite his twin brother being the clearly better man than him.

And he missed how you said you loved him and him alone.

And he damn wanted to hear you say those words to him once more.

But, you were leaving him. For good.

You would drift far away from him like a long lost childhood memory.

Then, you would learn to love another.

And this inevitability hurt him. Tore his heart apart.

And the pain was so fucking unbearable.

"Stay. Please." He pleaded, begged, you, his voice lowered and anguished.

To this, you simply shook your head.

"I have made my decision, and you have no choice but to understand and respect it."

"No!"

"Please, V! I beg you - "

And the sadness crept even closer to you as the man took hold of the back of your head and crashed his soft lips against yours, moving in a rushed and certain way that successfully conveyed the untold emotions he had for you.

You tried to push him away, to wake up from this wishful thinking that he's doing everything he can to not let you leave him. But, the gentle strokes of his hands against your back, those whispers of his that begged you to stay, those lips which were locked against yours in heated passion and deep longing that betrayed and conveyed his true feelings to you,...

... that warmth of his and those forbidden sensations it caused your body to have that slowly breached and destroyed the high defenses you put up for your poor and hurt little heart,...

Oh, God! Why?! Why are you falling all over again?!

"I love you,..." the man whispered as his lips softly brushed againts your now tear - stained cheeks. "I love you. I love you so,... so much."

"V,..."

The man cupped your cheeks and laid his forehead against yours, his eyes melting yours, finally making you cave in with his pleas.

"I know this is too selfish of me to ask, but,... I beg you,..." he whispered, his hot breath mixing against yours. "Please, do not,... leave me. Stay."

You closed your eyes, the action making you shed even more tears.

For how you could you refuse him now?

For all the things that happened between the of you for the last months,...

For all the things that unfolded between the two of you in that cramped and hot phone booth,...

Of course, you love him.

And you definitely couldn't leave him alone now.

Nico, who arrived a few moments ago with your luggage inside her van, witnessed everything. With a smug and proud smile on her lips for her two team mates, she dialled a number and waited.

"Hello?"

"Leon, it's me."

"Hey. What time will she arrive on the airport? I want to personally escort her, myself."

"I think that won't be necessary."

"Why is that?"

"Umm, I guess she found another,... a new,... leash on life. She's not going. I'm sorry."

"Oh. That's too bad. Then, I would let the President know. I guess I'll be going to Spain alone."

"Ah, yeah. Thanks, Leon."

"No problem."

"Don't let those zombies bite. And get the girl out."

"Will do."

***

🖤🖤🖤

***

[sevennsw-blog]

MODERN AU . first chapter . chapter list

“Y-You…” Breathing hard Rey struggled with her choice of words. “You were horrible to me. You made me walk out of your life.”

Poe let out a dry laugh. “Well, you completely broke my heart.”

Part 4 - Citrus a car driving on empty streets, story time and texts.

Poe’s car was warm.

With the heater on full blast Rey felt her eyes get heavy as she snuggled back into the plush leather seat. The lights outside her widow flew by as Poe drove down the nearly empty streets. It was reaching close to one in the morning by the time he crossed over into her neighborhood. He had some soft melody playing low and with the steady hum of the engine Rey had half a mind to just go to sleep right there.

If Rey would’ve been just a smidge more awake and alert she would’ve noticed how when the Bon Iver’s Michicant tuned out and moved over to José González’s Hints, Poe was quicker than ever to skip the song. Because once upon a time, that song had meant something.

Still did.

But Rey didn’t notice. She was half-asleep, feeling secure for once, ready to surrender to the night and the sleep – but then Poe broke it.

“Is everything okay with your family?”

Lazily Rey rolled her head to look at Poe’s profile. His gaze was fixed ahead but Rey could tell something was bothering him. He wasn’t as relaxed as she was. Sure, punching someone could get a rise out of anyone, but that had settled around them. This stress went beneath his skin.

Rey shifted to sit up more. “My family?” she echoed, voice small. He knew she didn’t have one.

Poe took a glance at her before focusing back on the road. His lips hung open in the shape of an ‘O’ before he continued. “You said back at the pub that you were having family issues tonight.”

“Oh that,” she cleared her throat. “It’s just a lot with Lauren and Jessika and her dad. Dads, I guess. And… and I overreacted. I mean… it’s not really my business. They’re not exactly mine.”

Poe seemed to be able to read her mind, because he didn’t have to say anything other than what she wanted to hear. “You have a family, Rey. You have people who care about you. That’s family.”

Rey huffed. “Unkar Plutt doesn’t care.” Lips pressed into a firm line, arms crossing. “At least the feeling is mutual.”

“What happened this time?” For a split second Rey had to remind herself that Poe knew of her family’s dynamic. An ambulance car passed by them with its lights on, making Rey jump in her seat. She was reminded of a scene two years ago. Her body was wrapped up tight in Poe’s hold with the sirens sounding off in the distant.

“Hear that? They’re almost here. It’s going to be okay.” Poe was basically rocking her back and forth on the floor.

Rey was suffocating herself with her own tears and sobs. She knew she was on the verge of making herself sick at any moment but she couldn’t stop. Her white-knuckled grip on Poe’s arm was the only piece holding her from completely falling apart. She tried to stop her wandering eyes but eventually she looked back over near the couch.

Her real father’s body pressed against the floor surrounded by scotch was the last thing she remembered before waking up in a hospital bed an hour later. Poe’s hand still gripped in hers as he slept by her side as her only real family slipped away once again.

“She-uh, Jessika, just didn’t really understand where I was coming from and… yeah, I kind of walked out on her fitting.”

“Are you okay?” They had pulled up to a light now so Poe turned his upper body towards Rey’s seat. It was endearing is be asked that question. For as long as she could remember, it had been Rey asking how others were. It was only when she first found Finn, or rather, Finn had found her, that people started noticing her. She was worried about how her real father was handling things. Ever since the social services had pulled in and stopped an already orphaned girl from chasing down her father at every chance she got she hadn’t seen a whole lot of him. It was easier back when she was at school. Back then she could easily find him – but nowadays it was harder.

Rey was worried about the breaking point. She worried about Jessika and how the friend she called sister always seemed so much stronger than her. But Rey never asked how she was feeling herself. She never thought about it.

“I’m okay, just… I was acting like a child anyway.”

“You’ve acted many ways Rey, but I’ve never seen you act like a child,” Poe’s frown pulled his pink lips down.

“Emmanuel was there,” Rey sighed.

“At the fitting?” Nodding Rey looked up to see the light had changed, yet Poe remained focused on her. “He’s her family, Rey.”

“He invited himself. And I know, there really was no reason for him not to be there, but it was the principle of that matter.“ Rey shook her head furiously, thoughts spinning around in a whirlwind inside her head. She tried to find a good enough excuse to all of this, but it was like striking a match that was soaking wet. She was just fumbling. “I mean, at least she has a dad who cares about her. Hell – she had two. And she constantly push her real dad away, even if… if.”

“Rey, this isn’t about Jessika…” Poe mumbled.

Rey choked back a sob when she understood that Poe knew where she was going. His look of concern made tears well up in her eyes as she let out a shaky breath. This wasn’t about Jessika – it was about Rey and her real father and how he was everything but just that.

“I-I know it’s been so long, and really, I should’ve let go of the idea that he would come back to me, that he would fix everything, b-but he’s my dad. It shouldn’t bother me, but seeing Jessika with her family like this… it makes me miss my dad. He should be here. With me. He should’ve been with me all those years but… I don’t.. I’m just so tired.”

Rey paused in a moment, staring at shaking hands.

It looked like she was in her own earthquake.

“I’m just so tired, Poe,” Rey exhaled.

Poe’s eyes danced around her face for a moment. He was reading her, something she learned early on about him. He analyzed people before he even shook their hand. And Poe was one of the best people Rey knew on reading people for their true character. It was one of the things that attracted her to him from the start.

“I’m sorry he’s not there. He should be,” Poe replied earnestly.

“It’s because he can’t be in a room without causing a scene, tearing at throats…” Rey’s eyes widened as it dawned on her.

“What?” Poe asked sensing her sudden change.

“Oh my god,” Rey whispered turning to face forward.

“What, Rey?” Poe pressed leaning over the counsel.

She shook her head rubbing her lips together. Suddenly it clicked with Rey; she was acting just like her father. She was a mess. A fucking natural disaster. This whole thing with Poe was just the starting point too. Whenever her father would try to talk, reach out, or even as much as existing in the same room, he would eventually, always, lose it. Fighting like a soldier in war, not listening to what the other had to say… Denying everything. Stopping everything from getting fixed. And that was exactly what Rey was doing with Poe.

“I’m him.”

“You’re who?” Poe asked.

Rey looked back over seeing Poe’s pout. “I’m my father. Worse, even.”

“You’re not your father Rey. You’re nothing like him,” Poe reasoned.

Shaking her head Rey mirrored Poe in leaning over the middle. “No, I am. I’m horrible with people, and I don't even-- I--”

“Hey-Hey!” Poe reached over trapping her arms against her sides. “You are not your father Rey. You are kind and you care about other people. You’ve got one of the biggest hearts I know.”

“It’s in my blood, Poe. No matter how much Laura and Jessika try to pull me into their family, I won’t ever be normal. I can’t sit next to them and pretend that I’m one of them.” Tears started to build up again behind her eyes. “The only one who’s like me is my dad, and he’s a mess. I’m doomed for a disaster.”

“One of them? Rey, they’re your family and they love you.”

“I’m nothing like them! Look at me Poe!” she snapped. Instead of cowering like with everyone else she exploded on Poe tilted his head to the side. His firm grip was constant against her shaking arms.

“I thought you were past this?” he lowered his voice. Blinking, Rey wasn’t able to understand what he meant. “You were doing so well, Rey. What happened?”

“W-What happened?” She figured it out. “What happened, Poe? Life happened. Too many things happened all at once. I found my dad. He finally came back, he left and tore everything open again, Jessika got engaged and Laura…”

“And you got past all those things, I was there-“

“NO YOU WEREN’T!”

The air surrounding them was thick. Rey was overheating so she reached over and rolled down her window. The cold air outside felt like needles against her cheeks but it was something at least.

Rey shivered. “Can you take me home now, please?” she whispered, shutting her eyes.

“Me not being there for you wasn’t my choice, and you know that,” Poe reminded, ignoring her request.

“I was being suffocated. I needed to control at least one thing in my life,” Rey argued, keeping her eyes shut.

“And walking away from me was you proving you had power over something?” Poe scoffed.

Offsetting her jaw she rounded on him. “Not power Poe, control. There’s a difference. I was being attacked from all different angles and you were only putting your ideas in my head. You weren’t letting me think for-“

“Enough with that excuse Rey!” Poe barked. “I always let you be your own person. I never made you be someone different.”

“You didn’t even realize you did it. You just automatically thought you knew what was best for me!”

“Us, Rey… I knew what was best for us.” Poe ran his fingers through his dark curls.

“Well ‘us’ is two, you and me. I don’t remember sitting down and picking out a red-bricked, fenced in place off of Portobello Road. I wasn’t part of the conversation of getting a new car. I must have been asleep when you decided to –“

“I get it,” Poe groaned.

“- get your mum to casually have lunch to chat about futures. Poe, I’m only twenty-three, we’re so young -” Rey paused some to catch her breath.

“I said I get it.”

“Why didn’t you get it then?” Rey cried.

“Fuck, I didn’t care Rey! I was in love with you!” Poe’s voice rose to the challenge, shutting Rey up instantly.

Rey looked down at her hands. She couldn’t count how many times she has heard those words leave his lips and yet they still made her entire world stop. Her heart was beating out of her chest, aching for a release. Poe let go of her arms and slumped back in his seat.

“Y-You…” Breathing hard Rey struggled with her word choice. “You were horrible to me. You made me walk out of your life.”

Poe let out a dry laugh. “Well, you completely broke my heart.”

Silent tears fell down her cheeks as Poe pushed the car into back into drive. Rey didn’t look at him as she got out of his car and walked up the steps to her building. Biting her lip, Rey willed herself not to cry in the elevator. It wasn’t until she was in the comforts of her room, staring out the window at Poe’s car still waiting that she let out her first sob. Once she turned the light on, he drove off down the street.

“You look like shit,” Bazine said eyeing up Rey the next day at lunch.

“Go away,” Rey growled leaning against table.

“See this is why they threaten to put you on shipment duty. You’re up front today, you can’t be snapping at customers,” Bazine waved one finger in Rey’s face laughing when Rey made like she was going to bite it.

“I went out with Finn and his friends last night and there ended up being a scuffle. I got home around one in the morning.” As she spoke a large yawn broke out of her.

“Was Poe there?”

“Uh-yes,” Rey eyed Bazine from across their small table.

“I think after the BBQ I was invited to I get to ask questions like that,” Bazine said as she stabbed a tomato off of her salad.

“I don’t really like to talk about it,” Rey admitted glancing downwards.

“Oh, you don’t say?”

Rey knew Bazine was joking with her. Maybe it was time to level with her friend some. Rey didn’t blame Bazine for having questions; anyone who witnessed that must have loads at the ready. “We-uh, I met Poe almost four years ago,” Rey sat up in her seat. “Finn introduced us one night. We got on really well and he was charming. Older than me, but it didn’t seem to bother me too much.”

“I feel like you need someone who’s a bit steadier in their life,” Bazine offered.

“I guess,” Rey shrugged.

Bazine sat her fork down and mimicked Rey’s pose. “How long until you started dating?”

“Maybe a little less than a year? I didn’t see him for a long time after we first met. But then one day he called me – or maybe Finn called and Poe was with him, and asked for me to join them for lunch. We met and then that turned into a lunch date with just the two of us the next week, which turned into dinner… you get the picture.”

“So you two were together a while?” Bazine was being gentle with her tone, much to Rey’s appreciation.

“Almost two years…” Rey whispered.

“That’s a long relationship,” Bazine nodded. “Can I ask what happened?”

Clearing her throat Rey cautioned, “Look, that part is insanely complicated. And I’m learning a bit that we both might have been at fault.”

“Why don’t you give me the quick version?” Bazine smiled at the waiter who came to take their plates away.

“You want the short story?” Bazine nodded again. “The short story would be… he wanted me to marry him and I just wasn’t ready so I walked away.”

“Wow…” Bazine clearly hadn’t been expecting that. “I thought you were going to say he cheated on you or something.”

“God no!” Rey shook her head. “He would never do something like that. Poe wasn’t like that-isn’t like that.”

“Okay,” Bazine thought for a moment. “Then why break up?”

“What d’you mean?”

“Why break up? Why not just continue where you are and get to the marriage thing later?” The check was placed in front of the girls and Bazine snatched it up quickly.

“Thanks,” Rey nodded. “Well, it was almost the tipping point in my over flowing bucket of doom.”

“Bucket of doom? He asked you to marry him, not run off and join some cult.”

“No, I mean in my personal life. My whole family was messed up then and when he unloaded on me I was at my breaking point. I had been holding in all these emotions for so long, and for some reason… I took all of it out on Poe that night,” Rey explained.

Bazine handed her card to the waiter passing by. “Was that when your dad… uh.. you know?”

“No, but Unkar Plutt had just made me get my own apartment. And then Jessika had just announced she was getting married. I’m twenty-three and certainly not ready to be anyone’s wife… it was a lot all at once.” Bringing up these reminders had Rey on edge.

“Sounds like it,” Bazine pursed her lips. “What did Poe do when you turned him down?”

Rey thought back to that February night. There was slick snow on the sidewalks that glistened in the street lamps. She had been wrapped up in her warm coat, gripping onto Poe’s hand as he led her down the cobblestone street. It was quiet in the neighborhood except for the church bells ringing in the distance.

“I never thought I’d hurt someone like that.” Rey’s voice broke as she continued. “All I really remember were his eyes.”

“I’m sorry,” Bazine murmured reaching for Rey’s arm on the table. “If it’s any consolation… the way Poe still looks at you, I’d say there’s something still there.”

“Nobody needs me messing up their life, trust me.” Scooting her chair back Rey needed to hurry if she was going to make her hair appointment.

“Rey, you can’t really mean that,” Bazine asked walking out after her.

“Trust me, the reason I keep things from my friends is not because I’m this selfish-crazed introvert. I just don’t want them to deal with my baggage. It’s not fair to them. So when people get too close-“

“You turn down their marriage proposal.”

Rey stopped walking and stared back at Bazine. Taking this brief break Bazine put her coat on and tied a long blue scarf around her neck. Rey was surprised by two things. One being that Bazine had followed her out after she only touched the surface of her life problems. The other was that Bazine seemed to have the balls to stick around.

020 3454 0215 Ava wasn’t kidding when she said she wanted to catch up.

Rey had been staring at her phone screen for the past five minutes. Even though the number was unknown by her contact list she knew that sequence like the back of her hand.

Thank you. I will call her soon.

If there was one person Rey cared about their opinion of her more than Poe, is was his sister. It had been a week before the breakup when Ava showed up at Rey’s apartment with a new dog bed for her ‘nephew.’ Rey hadn’t spoken to her since despite Ava’s phone calls and texts. There was no way Ava would be forgiving of what Rey did to her little brother. She was going to kill Rey.

She’s not upset at you.

Oh good, the last thing Rey wanted was Poe discussing their breakup with his family. But of course he did. Rey had never met a guy who was as close to his sister and mother as Poe. Their opinions were the only two the ever mattered to Poe. Well, Rey’s was added to his list for a while there.

Rey slouched back into her couch. It was raining softly outside and BB was curled up on the back of the couch over her head. She had just finished a seven-hour shift at work and was in the process of making her way to her bathroom to try one of the new bath bombs Jessika had sent over to her. For some reason, Poe had a sense to pop up every time she wanted a bath.

You know I can’t compete with that fiery attitude. She will kill me.

Jostling BB from his nap in the process, Rey stood and walked over to her bedroom door. She had long forgotten her heels at the front door. Walking into the bathroom the site of her tub brought the first genuine smile Rey had had that day.

She was more upset you wouldn’t talk to her then about what happened with us.

Rey took a deep breath, blowing out slowly as the tub began to fill. She tossed in a lemon-scented bomb and closed her toilet lid to sit down on it. BB had followed her and was now playing with a string from her rug under the sink.

Regardless, your family has a tight bond. There’s no way I could break that.

Setting her phone down Rey stripped herself of her work clothes before getting into the water. Instantly her insides were warm, the fizz from the bomb attacking her skin. With her hair in a topknot Rey leaned back and relaxed. The constant buzz from her phone broke her out of her tranquility.

“Hello?” Rey answered without looking at the caller ID.

“You were part of that.”

“Poe?” Rey reached out but her hand was too wet to grab hold of the side of the tub. She ended up slipping lower and sloshing the water onto the floor. She reached out with her toe and turned the tap off. Slowly, she sat up gathering her wits about her.

“… are you in the bath again?”

“Yes, sorry I didn’t know it was- I sort of lost my footing-handing… that’s not a word is it?” It was pathetic the way she was desperately trying to form a sentence.  

“It is, just not the context you’re trying to use it in.” Poe was smirking, she could tell by his condescending tone.

“Did you need something? You’re interrupting my relaxing time,” Rey muttered.

“I wanted you to know were part of my family bond. My mother and sister loved you.” Her heartbeat quickened. With the memories of Maria and Ava passing through her eyelids Rey paused on one of her favorites.

“… and that’s why Poe wasn’t allowed to have tape in school for his fifth year.”

Rey’s stomach hurt from all the laughing that had taken place over dinner. She was nestled into Poe’s warm side with Maria and Ava across from them. Both women had tears in their eyes as Maria finished the story of Poe taping his hand to his school desk one year. When Rey looked up at Poe he was beat red but she could see him fighting a smile.

“It was a simple miscommunication,” he argued.

“You were dared!" Ava laughed. "How do you miscommunicate that?”

“Alright, shut it… all of you.” Poe wrapped his arm tighter around Rey. Rey nuzzled her nose into the crook of his neck as her body still shook. It was the sound of a camera that made her peak back out. Maria was holding her phone and smiling at the screen. Ava leaned over and let out a loud ‘aww’ at what could only be a picture of Poe and Rey mushed against each other.

“Mum…” Poe groaned.

“What? You two are adorable,” Maria gushed showing Rey the picture. Most of her face was hidden in Poe’s shoulder but you could see her smile. Poe had his eyes shut but he was still pulling her in. It was sweet and Rey asked if Maria could send it to her.

“I have to go, it’s getting late.” Ava stood up. “We’re still on for Sunday right?”

“I’ll be there,” Rey nodded retracting herself from Poe.

“What are you two doing?” he asked handing his mum her coat.

“Girl stuff… you wouldn’t understand.” Ava stuck her tongue out.

“Mature… mum, not sure I like this gaining up on me thing they’ve got going on,” Poe babied up to his mother’s side.

“Oh Poe, you’re just fine. You can’t keep Rey away from us… she’s too special.”

“Did I lose you?” Poe asked.

“No I’m here… I was just remembering your mum’s birthday dinner we had for her last year.”

“Oh… yeah she loved the cookbook you bought her.” She could hear him sigh deeply.

Rey shivered for an unknown reason and sunk lower into the water. “H-How is she?”

“Good, they’re both good. Gonzalo too,” Poe answered.

“I was watching the news the other day and saw your hometown was getting a lot of rain recently. Have the floods been bad?” Remembering the few screen shots the news flashed across the screen Rey tried to remember if anything had been recognizable to her.

“The waters never got close to them. I spoke to Percy the other day though, and she said her dad’s shed got flooded pretty bad.”

“Oh no, I’m sorry. How is Percy?” Rey remembered one of Poe’s oldest friends.

“Her birthday was two days ago.” Two thuds came from Poe’s end sounding like he had just taken off his shoes.

Frowning Rey added another check to her list of opportunities she has missed out on. “Well, if you talk to her soon tell her that I said happy belated-”

“I can’t keep doing this,” Poe cut her off.

“W-What?”

“I can’t tell Percy happy belated birthday for you Rey. Just like I can’t tell Ava that you are proud of her or that you miss my mum. I can’t do that because I shouldn’t have to do that!” Poe’s voice faded some. “You should just be able to do that. You can talk to my friends. You can talk to my family Rey… just because we’re…”

Rey’s focus was on her red toes submerged into the bath. She was counting, slowly in her head. She knew Poe was waiting for a response but there were no words. How could she reply to that? How does anyone reply to that?

“I’m sorry… I know you don’t want to talk about this.” Poe sounded beyond hurt.

“No, it’s just, I don’t know what to say to you Poe,” Rey sighed. “What do you want me to say?”

“I don’t know…” His voice was hoarse from the emotions.

They both were silent for a while. Rey was battling her inner self about these feelings for Poe that seemed to pop up whenever she heard his voice. Something had happened within the last few weeks and how Poe handles himself around her. Gone was the cocky, arrogant jerk that riled Rey up with just his presence in a room. It was replaced with the Poe she remembered.

“So… where does this leave us?” Rey asked.

“I don’t know,” Poe replied. “I know that… I want you to be in my life, Rey. I can’t just not have you in my life.”

Rey closed her eyes, biting her lower lip. “Poe, I can’t just be friends with you.”

“Why not?”

“Because we have too much history!” Rey reasoned. “I can’t just act like-“

“We can be just friends, people do it all the time,” Poe argued.

“No Poe…”

“Why, Rey?” His frustration was seeping through the line.

“Because I see you… and I just can’t act…”Rey groaned leaning her head back.

“Can’t act like what?” Opening her eyes Rey knew she needed to say this. She needed to get this off her chest whether Poe was ready for it or not.

“That every single feeling I ever had for you doesn’t come rushing back the second I see you.” Rey whispered. “And it makes me feel so weak.”

Rey was worried she frightened him off until she heard his reply. “You have no idea what that means to me.”

“B-But we can’t Poe. I can’t afford to just… forget everything that happened and act like you and I are okay.”

“I know we’re not okay Rey, I know we weren’t okay then. But at least now we’re talking about it?” Poe suddenly sounded like he had a new life in him.

“I can’t go through that again Poe. I’m still not one hundred percent and I can’t act like I am.”

“I wouldn’t expect you to.”

“Then I’m back to where I was and not knowing what you want me to say.” Rey’s throat was tight and the water was growing colder.

“Tell me we can work on this – on us being… whatever you want to call us,” Poe sucked in a deep breath.

“I don’t know if I can.” Rey admitted. “It’s so confusing.”

“I miss you,” Poe blurted, and god, she missed him too. So much. And it hurt. “Please let us try, Rey. Please.”

Rey bit her lip. “I’m trying to be honest with you Poe, let you know what I’m feeling.”

“And I’m happy you are regardless of how hard that was to hear.” He tried to ease it over with a short chuckle.

Rey reached forward and pulled the plug. She needed to get out before she became a prune. “I know I miss you, if that’s any consolation?”

“I’ll take what I can.” She knew he was smiling slightly through the phone.

“Then… take that and we’ll see what comes of it.”

They hung up not a minute later. Rey needed to decompress from that conversation. She grabbed her last bottle of red wine and sat, curled on the couch with a documentary about Somali pirates playing in the background. BB curled into her side with a soft huff.

“What have I done BB?” Rey asked downing her glass.

AN: Soooo i want to thank cheynelikeadiamond, captaindamnron, ryantruexjr, cutie-bug, poeandreydameron and mhysaofdragons for the loving comments last chapter :’) they make me happy and brave enough to post the next one lol. there are still too little fics out there and i need and want more. 

[apostateangela]

A Bell’s not a Bell Until You Ring It

There is a specific Mormon myth/fable/scripture story that is prevalent and used as an allegory for life. It is the story of Lehi’s dream. It is found in the first book of the book of Mormon,

1 Nephi chapter 8.

This is the Mormon’s version of the Tree of Life myth. Throughout all religious mythology, the Tree of Life bears magical fruit that is white and brilliant and gives everything from pleasure to everlasting life to those that eat of it.

In Lehi’s dream it is a fruit filled tree, shining with light at the end of a dark path next to a river. There is a treacherous mist on both sides of the path. There is a “large and spacious” building off to the side, full of people. And all along the path to the tree there is an iron rod, not unlike a railing, to hold on to as you brave the deep and dark and dangerous misty swamp.

This allegory has been explained in Mormon terms and taught to members of the church from the time you are very young. Each piece of the dream is explained in symbology as well as scripture. There are hymns and primary songs written about it.

Here is one hymn:

1. To Nephi, seer of olden time,

A vision came from God,

Wherein the holy word sublime

Was shown an iron rod.

[Chorus]

Hold to the rod, the iron rod;

'Tis strong, and bright, and true.

The iron rod is the word of God;

'Twill safely guide us through.

2. While on our journey here below,

Beneath temptation's pow'r,

Through mists of darkness we must go,

In peril ev'ry hour.

3. And when temptation's pow'r is nigh,

Our pathway clouded o'er,

Upon the rod we can rely,

And heaven's aid implore.

4. And, hand o'er hand, the rod along,

Through each succeeding day,

With earnest prayer and hopeful song,

We'll still pursue our way.

5. Afar we see the golden rest

To which the rod will guide,

Where, with the angels bright and blest,

Forever we'll abide.

And here is the symbol breakdown:

The Tree: Love of God or Everlasting Life with God

The Fruit: Happiness or the Blessings of Christ’s Atonement

The Mist= The Temptations of the Devil

The Iron Rod= The Word of God or Sacred Scripture

The Spacious Building= The World filled with Wicked People who mock the Righteous

The River= Spiritual Death

As young members of the church continuing into old members of the church, you are commanded through this vision written in scripture to ‘hold fast to the iron rod’ and not depart from the path of righteousness that leads you to everlasting life and eternal happiness with God. Holding to the Word of God means that you obey all the commandments and rules contained within the Mormon books of scripture (Bible, Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, and the Pearl of Great Price). Letting go of the rod means you deviate from the path, tempted by the world (other people from the building) and Satan (the mist) and risk falling into the river or into spiritual death—which in case you didn’t know is worse than real death.

The purpose of my explaining Lehi’s Dream here is to provide you with the context that surrounds the depth of obedience programmed into members of the Mormon Church.

This is only one angle. But it is far reaching and prevalent.

It is designed almost perfectly:

An ancient prophet (Lehi) has a vision from God about his own family, which consists of various children; some of whom are righteous and obedient and some who are rebellious and wicked (examples of humans we can all relate to).

This God bestowed lesson/allegory is then written into scripture that is then revealed to future generations and translated by modern prophets. Then, given to the current people of the church with a charge to do everything they can to bring it into every corner of their lives: the Iron Rod story has been adapted into art, music, literature, spoken sermons, and even film.

I can almost feel my metaphysical hand grasping…

The Iron Rod story is all about what God wants you to do.

And what I find interesting is that it is a structure wrapped in God’s love and perceived safety that creates division between those that follow and those that do not.

One group is righteous, those that hold the rod and follow God step by step never deviating. The other group is labeled as wicked and mocking because they challenge those holding onto the rod. They are even put into a building, segregated from God’s followers.

Two of the basic building blocks of Christian belief are first, love thy neighbor or love everyone, to which this dream decimates. And the second, more obscure is about a counsel in Heaven. Before this life there was a counsel where God deliberated on how he wanted His children to live here on this earth. He himself wanted His children to have choice; choosing their own path and learning from this life and their experiences—saved from their sin by the sacrifice or atonement of God’s beloved son Jesus Christ.

Instances of this doctrine are in Job and Isaiah as well as Luke and the book of Revelations

(King James Version).

In the Mormon translation of this counsel in Heaven, there was actually a war where Lucifer wanted to force everyone to do what was ‘right’ so that God wouldn’t lose a single soul. And as God chose Christ’s plan of choice and redemption, fighting ensued causing Lucifer to be cast out of Heaven with 1/3 of the Hosts of Heaven (which became the Devil and his demons).

I add this bit of lore to show the strangeness of the Iron Rod piece.

If one of the main purposes of this life—something that God wants--is to explore and discover, to learn from experience, then iron-clad rules of the Mormon church prevent this very thing from happening. It traps people in a place of prescriptive living that limits not only the exploring of the outward but also of the inward and alienates those who do not obey.

There are many things that holding to the blistering iron of this rod prevented me from discovering about myself, as well as the world I lived in.

I’ve already written about sex.

It seems that journey is not over.

But before I get to the new piece I have discovered I think it is time I shared with you my journey to understanding love and relationships.

One of the most well-worn spots on the path of the Iron Rod is that of Mormon Temple Marriage. I have written about this structure as well as documented somewhat the harsh 25 years I spent there. After my divorce, and months of therapy and self-reflection I found that while I didn’t exactly know what I wanted in terms of love and relationships,

I definitely knew what I DID NOT WANT!

I did not want marriage.

Of course I did not want the psychologically abusive, Mormon version of marriage I had lived. But I also knew that I didn’t want the patriarchal oppressive structure marriage is both culturally and legally in the United States either.

From my 8-month foray into single womanhood and divorcee I quickly came to the realization that the church AND the world are not fair or kind.

As I set out to explore sex, I also was moving, albeit more slowly, towards examining different kinds of love and relationships.

I virtually stumbled upon a philosophical pot of gold in the form of a man who made a claim on his online dating profile.

He said he was a Relationship Anarchist.

He explained a little bit about it in his profile,

enough that his words set off a deep bell within me.

It reverberated, resonated like something unending—a bell that couldn’t be un-rung.

I asked him questions both about what it was and what it meant to him.

And then, I started researching.

As a teacher, student, writer, and curious intellect, I know how to research.

I read articles and blogs, and manifestos. I watched vlogs and personal testimonials and informational videos. I joined chat groups and made friends and found a very patient guru that I plagued with questions and scenarios.

With each bit of information, I asked myself, “Is this even possible? Would this actually work for you?” And more often than not the answers sent electricity into the original reverberation and resounded with either a ‘YES!’ or a ‘I can’t wait to find out!’

Then I tested it with actual experience, as any loving God intended I should.

The answers and experiences have both challenged and amazed me.

I cannot thank that golden man enough.

Before I go further, here is the barebones definition:

Relationship anarchy (sometimes abbreviated RA) is the belief that relationships should not be bound by rules aside from what the people involved mutually agree upon. If a relationship anarchist has multiple intimate partners, it might be considered as a form of polyamory, but distinguishes itself by postulating that there need not be a formal distinction between sexual, romantic, or platonic relationships.

Relationship anarchists look at each relationship (romantic, platonic or otherwise) individually, as opposed to categorizing them according to societal norms such as 'just friends', 'in a relationship', or 'in an open relationship'.

That’s Wikipedia and I’m okay with their definition.

Here’s a few more extensions that I like:

“A relationship anarchist begins from a place of assuming total freedom and flexibility as the one in charge of their personal relationships and decides on a case by case basis what they want each relationship to look like.”

“Relational anarchists are often highly critical of conventional cultural standards that prioritize romantic and sex-based relationships over non-sexual or non-romantic relationships. Instead, RA seeks to eliminate specific distinctions between or hierarchical valuations of friendships versus love-based relationships, so that love-based relationships are no more valuable than are platonic friendships...another important theme within RA is the resistance to placing demands or expectations on the people involved in a relationship.”

Here are the bits that matter to me:

Full autonomy= I want to be in charge of myself and what I want as well as filling my own needs. After all, anarchy does not mean ‘no rules’ but rather ‘NO RULERS!’

No expectations= In line with the previous piece, I don’t want to have or have placed on me expectations that are often unreasonable or unreachable. If there are no expectations, things happen based on what someone has to OFFER-their hand is extended full of what they can share-instead of what I THINK SHOULD HAPPEN-my hand open and empty begging for something I expect them to give me.

No hierarchy=No one is more important than anyone else.

This is how I love. I always have. I have deep intimate friendships as much as I have romantic ones. I want to have my heart touch their heart. I don’t have large groups of people in my life.

I have a handful of people that mean everything to me.

Evolution=Step by step the relationship creates its own life that evolves with time and investment into something incredibly beautiful. And because every step must be looked at and communicated about before the next step, and there are no prescriptive stairs to climb, the relationship is a journey instead of a destination.

If you’re asking the question about polyamory because it stuck to you from the Wikipedia definition, the answer is yes, of course polyamory--the love of multiple people--would be part of this. If you love all your people, all your partners regardless of a label, you are potentially going to have more than one person you have sex with as well as more than one person you don’t. It’s called ethical non-monogamy and it is brilliant.

It is such an incredible thing to be freed of the idea that one person has to be everything to me. It provides perspective.

I have many needs, but I can present any portion of those as something I want from a person based on what they have to offer.

It’s the best kind of authentic gift giving.

Also, I don’t go hungry as often as I used to.

I was starved for love and attention.

And while it is true, that many people stuck in amatonormativity—the widespread assumption that everyone is better off in an exclusive, romantic, long-term coupled relationship—cannot break free of this societal norm, there are many people searching for the answer to the wrongness they feel in such relationships.

These people are enlightened and on their way to self-actualization and are

WHO I WANT IN MY LIFE!

We feed each other, loving as we want and as we can.

You may be thinking, “She’s just having a knee jerk reaction to leaving the church and her divorce, pushing herself to the other side of the spectrum. It’s a stage that will eventually end.”

I believe you are wrong.

I have been practicing RA for over two years now and do not see an end.

I have had many partners, some who have passed through my life.

The inevitable transience of this lifestyle is a hard thing, because sometimes what someone can give me doesn’t last a long time. But even in the heartbreak of their leaving there is peace knowing that what I had with that individual was more honest, more real than most of my marriage.

And

some stay.

Our evolution is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced in my entire life.

I am learning what love is in an organic way as it becomes what both partners want it to be.

It is glorious and beautiful (to steal a phrase God says from the temple representation of the creation of the earth).

I find it fitting,

I’m CREATING love!

Now you might be asking, “What about jealousy?”

And you are right, there is jealousy. But jealousy wears many faces and when you stop trying to control others jealousy’s biggest face disappears. And what you discover is what your own jealousy is based on at its roots. Mine is about self-worth. I am not sure I’m worthy or worth as much as another. After some reassurance from my partner—that I’ve asked for because it is my job to advocate for myself—I find instead of jealousy I feel kinship with those people that love my people.

We have good taste after all!

And with every successful step my inner bell’s reverberation is renewed and deepened.

It is this ‘ringing true’ within oneself that I believe to be the best guide for my life--and in my opinion--for yours as well.

Shakespeare wrote, “This above all, to thine own self be true.”

What rings true for you?

You can’t hear it, but rather you must feel it.

It is inside yourself and not an exterior envisioned cold rod of iron, but rather a living bell that’s sound enters your every cell on every plane.

When something resonates

do not ignore it

especially just because someone outside tells you God wants differently.

Understand that I do not put aside basic human morality.

Some people find pleasure in the pain of others.

I am not talking about just doing everything that feels good to everyone no matter the cost.

I am talking about listening to your own heart—once you free it from what others say it should feel.

Here is what I know:

I have lived by a thousand rules.

And now I live by only two.

They answer two questions:

Will it hurt someone?

Is it good for me?

If the answers are respectively ‘no’ then ‘yes’ I do it.

True, there are more implications within those two questions and answers, but they are my personal compass that works only for me, pointing me in a thousand directions instead on only a single iron one.

The diversity of this journey has brought me to such beauty and joy.

The newest being the discovery of my own bisexuality.

RA has also broken the heteronormative shackles my Mormon prescripted marriage bound me with. I finally understand the love I had for a girl long ago during high school and the intimacy I find in the touch and company of other women.

I am reveling in exploring where that intimacy can go and my bell rings as I find and partake of the fruit of the Tree of Life--growing in more places than one.

Turns out it is your inner bell that leads you to that Tree and its pleasurable fruit, not some cold, harsh rod of iron.

And through this journey I have found that my bell leads me to not just that Tree,

but an entire Grove.

A world of joy and life my idea of a loving God could get behind.

An expanse open for you and I to experience all that we can.

Once more I urge you to just let go.

Find the fruit once forbidden and eat.

And then, eat more.

Be greedy my friends.

I deserve it

And so do you.

-Angela