#you wont work with us bc were visibly queer but we only need this shit to LEAVE so GET OVER IT AND HELP!

[isa-ah]

im probably going to make a new post to pin about our immigration soon im still so embarrassed that every bit of progress we've made has been like trying to hold fistfuls of sand. god. but I'll make it more succinct or whatever and maybe delve into where we're going finally and shit. idk

[normal-thoughts-official]

My headcanon has always been that Alec figured out he was gay very early in life (I've ALWAYS been/I ALWAYS knew/I ALWAYS dreamed) which is... interesting bc visibility and representation must have been a huge issue when he was growing up. This sort of reinforces my interpretation that Alec has always been very in touch with his feelings and very honest about them (he only chose to hide/not act on them). Which is I think what Magnus figured about him from the very beginning ->

-> (it's rare to find a shadowhunter with such an open heart). Which is also funny and sort of on point bc Alec's siblings were widely mistaken about Alec's issues. It also explains why Alec doesn't have any major hang-ups about relationships or expressing his feelings, something a lot of viewers took an issue with (like why is Alec not emotionally stunted or things like that). That said, I keep thinking about Magnus and how he was exploring his sexuality. I mean imagine Magnus talking to his father. Magnus: I feel like I'm into both men and women 🤔 Asmodeus: Great! The amount of people you can seduce and murder has increased exponentially 👀 I mean, poor Magnus 💀

i feel bad for laughing at the asmodeus part but ur so correct hdbdudbdidndidndidndidn

and u know i agree with u 100% on the Alec stuff, this is a hill I'm willing to die on, Alec knew that he was gay since forever, he wasn't lying to himself, he just chose to keep it to himself. he made that very clear every time he talked about it too, i always KNEW i couldn't get what i wanted, I've ALWAYS dreamt, like you said. key words always, knew, and wanted. he was extremely aware throughout the whole process and i can't see it any other way. Alec is terrible at lying and that includes to himself, hes painfully logical and aware and hes been trained to pay attention to his own body/reactions/thoughts and approach them logically and dissecate them from the very beginning. theres no way he was oblivious to his own feelings, or else his lies in s1 wouldnt be so clearly bad.

Alec is, for better or for worse, painfully self aware and that's something i identify with, possibly the part of him i relate to the most. he's struggling because he know it's not safe to come out and he's decided that he wont, so he doesn't, to anyone. but he knows exactly how he feels and that that's his choice. then, when he meets Magnus, he's confused, not because he wasn't ready to face that he liked men (he knew that pretty damn well) but because he was questioning whether he really wanted to go through with his "closeted for eternity" plan. and there was the whole marriage thing. but he wasn't confused about what he wanted, not for a second. he was confused about what he was going to do, and how honest he could be to Magnus about it.

and like you said that's why their transition into a relationship goes relatively smoothly. if Alec were in denial, it would be a lot harder for him to go from that to the Alec we see later on, who is very emotionally available and open with Magnus, who loves him openly and unashamedly, who threatens Maryse to make her respect him and their relationship, who bursts into Magnus' house like "hello lets have sex". Alec can fit into a relationship with so much emotional honesty because he's always been emotionally honest. he just chose not to tell people about it because he was in a place where that wasnt safe

as for Magnus! I hc that his sexual discovery went like, relatively smoothly. I mean he was raised in a recently-colonized Indonesia, which. okay had europeans out there trying to ruin things, but was very open and accepting of both gender and sexuality, and didn't have a binary view of either. and asmodeus wouldnt care because like you can't tell me that demons and angels give a shit about gender, even if by some odd reason they did have a gender system that's exactly like the modern western european mundane one. so i think that growing up, Magnus didn't have a lot of issues with his sexual & gender identity. It wasnt like "figuring out" and "coming out", more like it slowly became clear and he was like "okay". not a lot of denial involved.

I've talked about this here (sexuality) and here (gender) and there i put more sources and everything so I'm... gonna leave that here rjdndjdnfk but i think Magnus' self discovery wasnt the problem, the problem was the shock of getting to England after the Asmodeus Yeet and seeing how different things were.

i mean, he was no stranger to queerphobia (he had a dutch stepfather after all) but when he was a kid, the dutch didnt really manage to colonize Java and interfere with their customs because the javanese empires were stronger, so they were mostly settling by going there to trade, same as always. so Magnus didn't really have to live in a time where people had to hide who they were

and then he comes back from Edom and it's like. you will literally be executed for this. what in the fuck. people meet in like secret underground clubs, terrified of making every mood. some dont even do that and suffer alone. no one thinks this is weird. people act like its always been this way. what the fuck

and hes struggling because after he banished asmodeus he thought he could finally be himself, you know? escape the need to like get his approval and the fear of angering him, get away from his gross, manipulative claws - you get it. he thought he could breathe and be out in the open and live his own life, but he can't, because so many parts of who he is - his culture, his origins, his gender, his sexuality, the color of his skin, his heritage, his powers - are being constantly repressed by the meat grinding machine of early capitalism and colonialism, and it's like, wow.

so Magnus never really lied to himself, either, but he did learn how to hide, and do it well. he doesn't have a lot of internalized queerphobia in the sense that he thinks it's bad that he's trans and bi, but one of the most prominent results of queerphobia in his life (aggravated by a thousand other things) is that hes gotten used to bottling things up and compartmentalizing himself and his identity. hes learnt to be what ppl expect him to be, and to show them only what hes safe to. its instinctive for him, to hide certain parts of himself, be it his immortality, his queerness, or his pain. and it's one of the reasons he struggles so much to be fully open and honest with Alec about how he feels. it's why it's so instinctive for him to stop everything and hide because his glamour went down. he knows that Alec knows about it, but he's used to hiding the parts of himself that people dont want to see

and that's without throwing Camille and her abuse into the mix (which i talked more about in the aforementioned links. like not to self promote but i am pretty proud of those asks so you know) and of course Asmodeus himself, and how they also taught magnus to hide his weaknesses, not be honest, "stop whining", cut off his own feelings and thoughts to please them. again i talked about this in the links. okay ill stop idndidn

in short, Magnus never really struggled to come to terms with his identity, but he learnt quickly that he isn't palatable, and he never will be - not to his mom (even if again i dont think she killed herself because of him, but Magnus believes it), not to his stepfather, not to his father, not to mundanes, not to the white european queer community, not to anyone. so he knows that, to survive, he needs to be able to bottle things up, and even if the people he loves work hard to convince him every day that this isnt the case (Catarina, Raphael, Ragnor, Dot, Alec) old habits die hard

[ruralbi]

cause im so much younger than the other visibly out queens, especially my gay dad surrogate who's in his sixties, he babies me a lot. i also have a massive case of baby face, so i forgive him for forgetting that im almost 30. but im sure if i told him abt half of this he would tell me off for being a cheap slut and makin all of us queers look bad. if i tried to talk to him abt dick sucking problems he'd tell me 'not before ur 18, fancy'. he also tells me off for screwing around at work cause he's like that's ur livelihood fancy focus fancy and he's right. but its not my fault i draw out repressed bi dudes like a moth to a flame. its not like i have that many options.

my ex that has been keeping me on the dl for two years, probably counting even tho im trying to move past it. a guy that needs to arm wrestle me as a excuse to hold my hand. he once asked me if we could platonically buy a house together. once his mother was drunk and bein all nice and motherly towards me and immediately that night he told me that he was gonna stop seeing me the minute he found a girl he liked better. we had been living together in a studio apartment for four months at the time. we are very platonic best friends, officially.

my ex coworker who also didnt want to tell anybody cause it might hurt his tinder chances but still had the time to plow me several times a day (but not at work im a serious worker i swear dad) he only used spit as lube :( but was very enthusiastic. thankfully he moved away he was dumber than bricks. however, we respect a king that clearly communicates his sexual boundaries. my ex tried to share me with him (they were friends) and he was like thank you kindly but no, it's gay if the balls touch. i was like baby dont say this they wont touch but he still went off to be not gay in the next state and im still threesomeless

this behemoth of a builder who at least isn't in denial, just in the closet. he's got two ex wives and three children. he's a violent alcoholic but not towards me. he calls me black out drunk to tell me he loves me and talk abt god. his family are the craziest evangelicals in the county, i babysit his nephew, but his brother doesnt know we fucked. he got into a fight with his other brother and choked my housemate (his colleague) so i didnt text him back for months. but now they made up and i think i might call him back. him and my housemate got a construction job near the house and if he comes to sleep here it's over for me.

my coworker who's this really sweet bi dude!!!! he genuinely said the words i am bi to me bro he just admitted it and i think he might genuinely like me!!! we went on three honest to god dates i think. he didnt make a move but u dont take the local fairy to two concerts (just us two) and the love festival fireworks show without some kind of ideas. like we couldn't be out with our relationship at work bc he's masc and can pass for straight but i think he might tell our friends and shit at least!!!! he is really soft and big and i wanna cuddle him and also suck his dick, the bear curse. but he also he didnt try anything sexual for three whole dates so im like maybe he just wants lgbt friends? but he does talk really sweet to me so that's suspicious.

however he is not a possibility bc we Work Together and i almost blew it at work last time i slept with a coworker.

AND last time i was ALSO so sure he was such a good guy who was gonna be out and propose cause he talked so sweet during the first three weeks but four months later he was introducing me to his tinder hook up as his buddy. so lets not be stupid twice and believe the same lies every time, even if its what i wanna hear.

oh fancy u r so cute u r so sweet i wanna hold ur hand and stay in to watch horror movies, baby boy i will protect you and put u up in a nice house and treat u so nice!! princess dont worry i love u so much FAST FORWARD hey jessica meet my buddy fancy we work together!!!

also he spits in my hole jessica but u dont wanna know that dont u. i wish i didnt fuckin know that at this point. like granted at that point i realised he was dumb as bricks and didnt want anything but sex and beers to do with him but still! this dude genuinely lied through his teeth with romantic fantasies for me to bend over, so like men lie and im not gonna fall for the same trick twice. im already poor as shit i dont need to be bullied at work for bein a gay slut until i have to quit.

(tbh i get it he kinda had to cause at the time i told him i wouldve gladly fucked him but unfortunately we were coworkers and i didnt want to risk my job for a fuck and thats when he started the whole relationship talk. so it wasnt outta nowhere but still a massive dick move)

a year ago i made out with a THIRD bi coworker at a party and told him that sorry we couldn't actually go any further cause we work together and he was really gracious abt it. but i liked him a lot less than this current guy so its gonna b harder. but i have to b strong. like NO weakness to baby boy talk.

if u really want me that much, quit :/