#you want to play as a saucy human dude? great

[kleinuuu]

The discourse over people being so concerned about how people play their videogames....in their own homes....on their own time...in their own lives....is amazing to me. It's almost like people continuously need an explanation for something that doesn't involve them/wouldn't matter even if it did. It's almost like people are too nosey and entitled for their own good. :)

[infested-tea]

Bakusquad LGBT Headcanons

Whoops... haven’t posted in a while... whoops.

Anyway, for this I decided some Bakusquad gay hc. And maybe some shipping lmao. Now, BakuKiri is valid but I prefer TodoBaku. But both are great. For this imma go with TodoBaku and KiriDenki because preference. Also, if anyone starts fighting about ships in comments I’m coming for you toes.

Anyway, enjoy!

Katsuki Bakugo

This boy....

Oh god this boy

Three syllables

DISASTER

Oh yeah he’s gay

Gay disaster

Very angrily a disaster

Bakugo strikes me as a tsundere. As he does for everybody

But combined with his... tendencies...

He becomes a walking balm of internalized gay anger

He fears being outed because homophobia is fun

But since all of Class 1-A knows, they just don’t say anything

Only openly out to the Bakusquad, and Todoroki

Like I said, dating Todoroki

Or Kirishima depending on how I feel

Either way, he is a clingy, angry tsundere with both

Will avidly defend his friends and himself or anyone from any kind of bigotry

Very... passionate... lgbt supporter

May or may not have cried the night he came out to the bakusquad. Both before and after. And may or may not have been happy tears.

Also the kind of person who screams at you to die while absolutely showering you in love and trying to make you feel like the most valid person ever. But does it in his usual Bakugo tsundere way.

He has hit everyone in the Bakusquad and his boyfriend with their respective flags while shouting vaguely threatening words of love and validation at them. This has happened to everyone at least once. Todoroki, Jirou, and Denki are the most common victims.

Also. Trans Bakugo deserves rights

When it comes to being trans, Bakugo has no issue with it

Neither do his parents

But like with him being a filthy gay degen- *gets exploded* OW!!

Anyway, like him with his homosmexualness, he’s scared to come out about it

Mind you, his parents are also avid supporters for the gay community

But he himself has seen and heard things and it scares him

As well as those morons in middle school who he came out too (not willingly) but teased him about it and made stupid comments, they didn’t hate him but were more so ignorant

Has experienced actual hatred before, especially middle school (maybe projected on Midoriya a little...)

But, this boy was so relieved when he came out to his friends and especially Todoroki

Maybe the human population isn’t so bad after all, huh you angry ball of rainbows and anger

Also. Ace bb

Eijirou Kirishima

The resident sunshine shark puppy

He flips between functional and disaster depending on the day

Is extremely open about him being pan, since it’s the manliest thing to do

And he is the manliest

He is also avid supporter and defender of the lgbt

Since Kirishima is the other backbone of the Bakusquad, he’s great for when ya need some comfort

This baby boi just wants to be loved and will love you back tenfold

Best hugger in class 1-a fight me

Broken gaydar

Denki Kaminari

(This was the first gif... y’all really horny huh?)

The biggest bi disaster

Also chaotic

Unintentionally chaotic

Like, he goes in with intentions of chaos, then somehow it ends up being worse then it should’ve been

Goddamnit Denki, is now Bakugo’s favorite phrase

Best gay friends with Sero and Mina

Absolutely falls hard

Sure, he’s a flirt, but that’s just Denki being Denki

He’s so much worse when he falls in love

Not a flirt. No no. Absolute blushing mess

Bf do be Kiri tho

(Why is he the person I have the most ships with like damn...)

His gaydar is absolutely fucking broken. Like my god you could be Aoyama levels of obvious and it’d go straight over his head

Gaydar is so bad he usually ends up flirting with lesbians or already taken people

He never touches a dude because he doesn’t want people thinking he’s already weirder than he is

Bad social anxiety, so he stayed quiet about being bi

Than Sero asked... he denied it

It failed

Now he’s out and semi-proud

Does have sad days where he feels anxious and albeit ashamed

But he’s with the two biggest cuddlers with Sero and Kiri so it’s fine

Or if you want to be saucy, soft boy Shinso or Ojiro

Hanta Sero

This dumbass

Non-binary (he/they) demisexual biromantic boi

Since I hc as the most observant person (emotionally anyways) his gaydar is by far the strongest

He picked up on fucking Todoroki... that man looks straighter than his dad is sucks

Also the one who picks up the crushes before the people even do

Motherfucker could tell you who’s gonna end up with who before they even realize that they like each other

*cough* Bakugo and Todoroki *cough cough*

Poly relationship with Denki and Kiri. Fight me

Mina Ashido

Best girl

Ace lesbian

Makes a great chaotic couple with Mei Hatsume

Chaotic lesbian and she knows it

She is also disaster

Bad kind of disaster

She uh... once tried to bake a pride cake for pride month and nearly burned down the entire dorm

Denki was also there... that didn’t help

Also the resident shipper of Bakusquad and Class 1-A (alongside Hagakure and Ochako)

She absolutely got 8/10 couples together in 1-A... and also 1-B

ShinoMa anyone?

Absolutely has tricked Denki multiple times to wear dresses

Doesn’t have to trick Sero, he just does it

Adores Mei and is soft about it

Kyouka Jirou

Badass bi anyone?

Bisexual disaster

But very quietly dies unlike the other three on here

She can try and smooth it over and play it off

Doesn’t work all the time

Trans female

And I love her

Gay with Yaomomo

Hangs out with Sero and Bakugo a lot as trans squad and they end up laughing at the four other dumbasses they have sadly befriended

The head of the Bakusquad, especially at pride

Absolutely fucking listens to Against Me! and Jayne County and whatever other trans musician you can think of

Absolutely vibing with Sero while listen to Girl in Red, Cavetown, or the other two

And jams with Bakugo and Denki with those as well

On bad, dysphoric days, the squad bakes all her favorite foods, grab her girlfriend, and hang out and chill

Some general pride month headcanons

Like I’ve mentioned, vibing with Cavetown and Girl in Red

Also jamming with Jayne County and Laura Jayne Grace and whomever else Jirou found that week

At pride, Kirishima is at the bbq with Tetsutetsu (they have rainbow gay meat come on!)

Bakugo is trying to stop Todoroki from wondering off and getting lost, especially at first pride parade since it was his first time and Shoto is absolute dumbass

One year while still going to UA, Shoto and Denki picked up on an anxious Momo and sad Jirou and Sero just... announced how gay they were for each other.

Later that month, the two girls got together due to a party thrown just for them put together by Sero, Shoto, Denki, and Mina

It’s a tradition to watch whatever the gayest show out at the time is and finish it before the month is over as a group

SU is Denki and Kiri’s favorite.

Bakugo hates it cuz the diamonds piss him off

Soooooo, they have to stop halfway through the gay wedding episode

Todoroki joins in on the shows because he has nothing better to do (but really it’s because he’s lonely and craves affection... bb)

Also, when Bakugo came out. Sero won a bet with Mina. Not on him not being gay. But Mina thought he was bi.

Mina was wrong

And now it’s a tradition for Sero to make bets with the other squad members on who’s what shade of gay and then win because he’s right 100% of the time (and Bakugo just started betting WITH Sero because he got tired of losing. Denki and Mina do not give up however. And Kiri switches sides a lot.)

[diavolosthots]

saucy alphabet soup for the twins??? 😳

Yes love 😌 I'll get to Belphie after this.

BEEZLEBUB SFW ALPHABET

Argument: Do they argue? How bad does it get?

Whats arguing lol? Does not argue unless it involves Belphie or you but never WITH you. No matter how strongly he feels about something, he rarely ever lets it get heated because you're worth more than some petty argument. 

Babies: fur baby, scaly baby, or no baby?

No baby :( they're just a lot of work and he'd probably eat their food, ngl. Its not a good idea to let him get a pet.

Cocktails: are they extroverted? Introverted? Both? With their s/o? 

He's extroverted as much as he can be lol. Though not overwhelmingly so, he does love talking and making new friends. Socializing just comes naturally to him, unlike his brothers. 

Dance: would they encourage their s/o to join become "sinful" so they could stay in hell/the devildom? How would they take it if they did?

He honestly does not pressure you into staying, but hed be heartbroken if you actually left him forever. He just hates the thought of you leaving him, but he understands that you dont belong here in the Devildom.

Exit: Do they like to travel? Where would they want to go? 

Hed love to see more of the human world, actually! It's so unique and different from the Devildom and he enjoys any trip he gets to make up there. Personally, hed love to go skiing somewhere so maybe the Alps or Vail? 

Food: what's their favorite date with their s/o?

Anything that involves food, no cap lol. Anything that mixes food and you is like hes back in heaven. 

Grease: what's something special they made for their s/o? 

He made them a cake once that was a mixture of human and Devildom ingredients. It actually tasted really good! Sadly, he won't share the recipe because its special to his and their relationship :) 

Honesty: would they ever hide something from their s/o? 

Not really. Hes truly the odd ball in the family as far as openness and feelings go. Hes pretty straight forward and doesnt hide a lot of things from anyone. 

Independence: what type of lover are they? Clingy or carefree? 

He's more clingy than people think but he doesnt drown you in his presence. More like a shadow thats constantly watching over you. But really, he just loves to stay close to you and have some part of his on some part of you.

Jealous: are they a jealous person?

Surprisingly, no. Hes very trusting in both you and him and doesnt think youd ever leave him for someone else. He also would never leave you for anyone else. It's tough enough to find a good person to stick by you through thick and thin ya know? 

Kindness: how far would they go for their s/o? Ride or die kind of thing?

He's definitely a ride or die kind of demon from the beginning on. He gives his all into anyone and anything he cares about, that includes his s/o. They never have to question where his intentions lie because they always lie with them.

Love: what's their love type? 

Acts of service definitely. Not only will he hold any door for you, and fight off any demons, but he also buys you and shares his food, or helps you make some if you're hungry. Hes a very kind demon. 

Mouth: where's their favorite place to kiss?

Your lips definitely. He likes to devour them, or just place a soft kiss on them, whichever youre in the mood for. Bonus points if theyre covered in chocolate or any other type of food. Hes definitely over you if thats the thing. 

No: anything they wouldnt do with or for their s/o? 

Hurt or betray Belphie. Their bond is too strong and he couldnt bear seeing his twin in pain, not after everything he's gone through already. 

Odor: what's their favorite scent? On a s/o?

Food lol. He actually likes strawberry the most because its very feminine and sweet. Makes him want to pick some and eat them right then and there. Or you. Whichever he gets to first. 

PDA: how open are they to PDA 

Hes an average dude ya dig? A hug here and there, your hand in his, maybe a kiss on the cheek. He likes to touch you but hes not overly in anyones face about it. 

Questions: will they be an open book or not? 

More open than his brothers, thats for sure. He doesnt see the point in hiding things from you, especially if youre going to stick around for a while. And he hopes you do. 

Reserved: what's something that only his s/o would know about? 

Anything that goes on between him and Belphie, both good and bad. They had a fight? You'll know. Belphie broke the world's record for most hours slept? You'll know. Its just nice to not hold things inside and share them outside the space he shares with his brother. 

Serious: how long until they start to get really serious with their s/o? 

Hes pretty serious from the start, but also cautious. Of course he won't play any games, but he can never be too sure that you wont either. 

Type: what's their type in a s/o ? 

Most likely someone who loves food as much as he does lol. Also someone whos more on the mellow side and not too hyper. In a sense, someone like Belphie who's introverted and needs some type of protection, at least in his eyes. 

Untouched: have they been in a relationship before? How many? 

Not really. Hes had a fling here and there, and much like Lucifer, only to get tension out. Food was just always more important than any demon, or human, could ever be 🤷 cant blame him. 

Very: what's something they're really good at outside of hobbies? 

Hes actually a great chef, which should come to no ones surprise! He loves to cook and try new recipes all the time; human, devildom, or celestial, you name it and he can whip it up! Super excited to learn new things when it comes to the kitchen. 

Weird: what's something odd or weird about them?

He hogs his pillows when he sleeps. Like he literally will pull them from under his head and just hold them so tightly to himself that one might think they'll break. 

Xylophone: their favorite part about you? Physically? Mentally? 

Physically its your stomach. He just loves to rub his hand over it or may his head down on it. It holds all your food and he doesnt know why but it makes him happy :) mentally its your softness, especially down here in the Devildom, you know the place that usually turns you pretty rough. 

Yearning: would they like a family? How many kids? 

He'd love to take things to the next level and marry you and start a family! What about twins? Triplets? The more the merrier is what he always says. 

Zebra: Do they change throughout their relationship? Are they truly themselves? 

Hes pretty true to himself. Again, he doesnt see the point in hiding anything from you and even if he did, it'll come out sooner or later. 

[shanghai-ohmy]

Mao Mao: Heroes of... Holomyr? (MaoMaoctober day 20: Game)

In this fic, King Snugglemagne summons Mao Mao, Badgerclops, and Adorabat to guard and entertain him on a rainy day. What better way to pass the time than to play a little Dungeons & Dragons together?

Snugglemagne, Mao Mao, and Adorabat play. Badgerclops DMs. Mao Mao learns to let himself have fun and be vulnerable through roleplaying.

This is day 20 of my daily fics for the MaoMaoctober prompts! As with all other days, it’s totally independent of the previous ones and can be enjoyed on its own! I’m proud of this one, and it’s full fic length (3.2k words), so I thought I’d post it here like a standalone. Thanks to my boyfriend @htodinth for his help with scene and dialogue ideas, as well as editing.

Read it on AO3, or under the cut!

The rain pounded on the intricate stained glass windows of King Snugglemagne’s palace, slipping down the colored panes in thick rivulets. The king had sent most of his retinue home before the rain began, leaving the large estate almost entirely empty. He’d even sent his guard detachment away. But that was fine; he had the utmost confidence in their temporary replacements.

“So you see,” King Snugglemagne said, posing dramatically in his throne, “with this horrible rain I simply cannot entertain myself! There can be no croquet, no outdoor galas, and no hastily-produced reality TV shows! And since the rest of my court has been sent home, and you’re here to act as my guards…” He gestured with a flourish. “...that duty falls to you three!”

Mao Mao’s eye twitched. “So you called us here… in the middle of a massive rainstorm… to be your jesters?!” He took a step towards the king, who immediately began to cower.

Badgerclops grabbed him by the neck of his cape and pulled him back. “Chill out, man! We just have to entertain ourselves and include the king, that’s all.”

“Yes! Quite right!” Snugglemagne agreed nervously.

Mao Mao groaned. “With all due respect your highness, this is a waste of our time!”

“Excuse us for just a moment, King Snugglemagne.” Badgerclops walked towards a side chamber, dragging Mao Mao with him. “Adorabat! Keep an eye on the king for us!”

“Roger!” She sounded excited.

“Dude, what’s your problem?”

“This is ridiculous, Badgerclops! I’m a legendary hero! Not a babysitter!”

“C’mon man, just suck it up and help out! It’s one night! And besides, it’s your sheriff-ly duty to obey the king or whatever.”

Mao Mao crossed his arms. “Ugh, fine! But I’m not going to enjoy it!”

An idea came to Badgerclops. A really good idea. This might be the moment to do something he’d wanted to try with Mao Mao for ages. “Hey Mao Mao… what if you could go on a really cool adventure, keep the king safe, and entertain him all at the same time?”

Mao Mao looked intrigued.

“I’ve got a great idea. Just trust me.”

They returned to the throne room to find Adorabat finishing up a magic trick. The king gasped with delight and clapped as she produced a bouquet of roses from thin air. She threw it to him and took a bow.

“Okay y’all,” Badgerclops said, “I’ve got a game for us to play. Have any of you ever played Dungeons & Dragons before?”

Mao Mao stared at him blankly.

“I have a dungeon!” the king offered, confused.

Adorabat had stars in her eyes. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh YES!!! I LOVE that game!”

Badgerclops was surprised. “It’s… a lot of rules for someone your age, Adorabat. Who have you played with?”

“Well…” She looked embarrassed. “I might have… snuck out to play it with the sky pirates…”

“You WHAT?!” Mao Mao yelled, turning to her.

“I’m sorry! They’re just so good at imagining things! Even their food is imaginary!”

“Adorabat, we’ll talk about this later. Mao, run to the aerocycle and grab my bag, okay?”

Mao Mao nodded and strode away.

“I’m terribly sorry, Sheriff Badgerclops, but what exactly is… happening?”

“Oh, nothing major, I’m just saving the day. This game will keep you entertained for hours, dude. It’s kinda like… you, Mao Mao, and Adorabat will make up your own characters with cool moves and stuff, and then I’ll narrate an adventure for you! You get to make choices about where you want to go and what you want to do, and I use some dice to help decide how it all goes.”

The king seemed uncertain.

“You get to come up with an outfit for your character~” Badgerclops said enticingly.

Snugglemagne leapt out of his throne. “Oh! Oh! Let’s begin at once!”

---

A few minutes later they were gathered around a table. Badgerclops had printed off several blank character sheets from his arm. Mao Mao, Snugglemagne, and Adorabat were poring over the race and class selections. A platter of tiny bite-sized pizzas sat on the table between them.

“I say, this bard seems like a saucy fellow!” King Snugglemagne announced, raising the class guide for everyone to see.

“Ooh, excellent choice!” Badgerclops said. “What’s your instrument?”

“Keytar.” He replied without even a moment of hesitation.

“Atypical, but I like it!” Badgerclops jotted down some information on Snugglemagne’s character sheet and then handed it back to him. “Now you have to pick out a race.”

“I shall play the fighter,” Mao Mao announced, indicating a sheet of paper.

“Shocking,” Badgerclops said sarcastically. “Hand me your character sheet, and pick some moves.” He filled in the appropriate fields on Mao Mao’s sheet.

“Um, Badgerclops?” Adorabat said.

“Yeah dude?”

She motioned for him to lean down, then whispered into her ear. He looked surprised, then nodded. “You got it.” Another sheet printed from his arm.

“I’m playing a homebrew alchemist class!” Adorabat announced. “We’re gonna BLOW SOME STUFF UP!”

They continued setting up their characters, taking moves and choosing proficiencies. Badgerclops looked up at them brightly once everyone had finished. “Okay, why don’t we introduce our characters? Adorabat, would you mind starting?”

“Okay!” She straightened up her papers and cleared her throat. “I am Rirkarg Shrapnel, the gnoll alchemist! Once I was a maker of medicine for my people, but an evil duke and his army razed my homeland and killed all my friends! So I turned my skills to destruction, and seek to destroy him!”

Badgerclops nodded approvingly. “What’s the duke’s name?”

“Um,” Adorabat rubbed the back of her head, “I couldn’t come up with one.”

“Let’s just call him something generic for now, then. Duke… free… water. Duke Freewater.” He took down a note. “Mao Mao?”

“Can you…” Mao Mao looked embarrassed. “Can you come back to me later?”

“Okay, sure. Just let me know if you need any help, okay?”

“I don’t need help playing an imaginary game!!” He snapped.

“Right, okay, I got it. Jeez, dude. Snugglemagne?”

“Yes, very well.” Snugglemagne put on a smooth voice. “Yes, hello my adoring fans! I am the one, the only Gilwyn Goldheart! The most handsome elf in all of…” He turned to Badgerclops. “What are we calling this place?”

“The whole world is Holomyr, but we’re focusing on the Green Reef Coast.”

Snugglemagne nodded. “The most handsome elf in all of Holomyr! Or at least… I was.” He placed the back of his hand to his head, dramatically. “You see, a horrible curse has befallen me, and cracked my beautiful face like a porcelain mask! I have nothing but my music now! So I wander the world in search of a way to undo this dreadful affliction!”

“That is SO COOL!” Adorabat said.

Snugglemagne looked bashful. “Oh, my! Thank you! I thought your character was excellent as well!” He beamed.

“Alright Mao Mao, whatcha got?”

Mao Mao shifted nervously in his seat. “Um, hello, everyone, I’m… Mercutio. I’m a human fighter.”

When Mao Mao didn’t continue, Badgerclops stepped in. “Mercutio, that’s a good name! Does he have a surname?”

“I, uh… It was…” Mao Mao fumbled for an answer. Coming up with one name had been hard enough. “Umm…”

“It’s a mysterious secret,” Adorabat chimed in, “that only his absolute closest companions may learn.”

“Yeah! It’s that!” Mao Mao looked relieved.

“I love it! Good job, Mao Mao.”

For a moment, Mao Mao’s eyes filled with excitement.

“Any backstory you want to share?”

Mao Mao nodded. “I was a… my village…” His face reddened as he stumbled over the words.

“Hey,” Badgerclops whispered to him, “you can talk about your character in third person if it’s easier.”

Some of the tension eased out of Mao Mao’s pose. He looked a bit more confident. “Mercutio showed promise as a hero early on, and there was lots of talk around his village about all the good he could do if he were trained properly. But the village didn’t have much, and going off to any sort of hero school seemed like an impossible dream to him. But after his years growing up there, helping everyone and being a hero at home, he earned their love and respect. So the people pooled their resources to send him to a heroic academy far across the continent. Now he patrols the world trying to make a name for himself and raise his village to prominence in return for their charity!” Mao Mao realized he had begun gesturing and gently folded his hands back in his lap, embarrassed.

“A world traveler! That’s fantastic, Mao Mao!” Badgerclops said.

“Oh yes,” King Snugglemagne agreed, “I simply love a village prodigy story!”

Mao Mao rubbed the back of his head, looking away. “Thanks…”

They worked out some details of how their relationships to each other and how they’d met. Gilwyn had hired Rirkarg to find a treatment that could fix his face, and the two of them had struck up an unlikely rapport even though Rirkarg failed to help him. Mercutio had come across the pair when he hitched a ride on a caravan of traveling merchants and found Gilwyn entertaining the salespeople with his songs in exchange for their transport.

Satisfied with their characters, Badgerclops stood up and dimmed the lights a little. “Okay,” he said, sitting back in his chair, “let me set the scene.”

“The three of you are sitting at an outdoor table in a busy park in one of the Green Reef Coast’s largest cities, Ymera. Mercutio tracked a lead to an informant with info on Duke Freewater. You intend to meet her here. Since you’re meeting under broad daylight, you’re hoping that the anonymity of the city will prevent any prying eyes; the crowds should be enough to leave you in total peace.”

“Rirkarg, you spot the informant first. She is a tall, strong Dragonborn with green scales and large black horns jutting back from her head. She approaches the table and sits down inconspicuously, as though she’s a part of your group. ‘Greetings, Mercutio.’ she says.”

Mao Mao considered. “I want to check her for weapons, but we’re trying not to draw attention…”

“You can roll a perception check to see if you spotted anything on her as she was sitting down, or sleight of hand to attempt to feel around for weapons without her noticing.”

“Well, my sleight of hand check would be better, wouldn’t it?”

Badgerclops glanced at his stats. “Yes, it is.”

“Now, sheriff,” King Snugglemagne chimed in, “you would be groping an informant under the table, which is most unbecoming of a hero. Plus, she looks like she could kick your ass.”

Mao Mao blushed. Adorabat giggled. “Okay, okay. Perception, then. Which one do I roll?”

“This one,” Badgerclops said, handing him a twenty-sided die. “It’s always the d20 for checks.”

Mao Mao turned the die over in his hand a few times, then rolled it across the table. It slid to a stop with a six facing upwards. “Six plus one gives me seven.”

Badgerclops shrugged. “You’ve got no idea if she’s packing or not. Nothing looks amiss.”

“Stupid dice,” Mao Mao grumbled.

“Please, Madam,” Snugglemagne said in his smooth character voice, “allow me to introduce myself. I am-”

“Oh my god, you’re Gilwyn Goldheart!” 

King Sugglemagne tugged at his collar, evidently already in character. “Well, it’s always nice to meet a fan, but could you perhaps keep it down? This meeting is supposed to be… clandestine. Cloak-and-dagger-ish.”

“She shakes her head, embarrassed. ‘Sorry, I just got a little excited. Let’s just get to the point. You’re looking for intel on Duke Freewater?’”

“Rirkarg nods. ‘He destroyed my home. I will have my revenge.’”

“‘Well, rumor has it that in a week, he’s launching a massive warship from Port Rejtal. They’re going to blow a hole straight through the Green Reef and open up a passage to the sea. It’ll increase his naval power tenfold, and the damage to the reef will be unrecoverable.’ You guys know that Rejtal is about five days’ travel south of where you are, so you need to get there quickly if you want to make it before the warship launches.”

“Rirkarg’s nostrils flare. They look determined. Also angry. ‘Freewater. He will be on this ship?’”

“The informant isn’t certain. She says she’s heard conflicting reports.”

“Is the Green Reef well known?” Mao Mao asked Badgerclops.

“Oh yeah, this entire coast is considered one of the most beautiful places in the world. It’d be a huge deal if it was destroyed, even partially.”

Mao Mao’s eyes sparked. “Mercutio slams his fist on the table. ‘If we save the reef from destruction, we’ll be renowned the world over!’”

“Rirkarg agrees. ‘And Duke Freewater must not gain any more military power than he already has.’”

“So, we’re taking a road trip to Rejtal?” Snugglemagne asked in his Gilwyn voice.

“Yeah!!” Adorabat yelled, out of character. “Road trip!” They laughed, and after a moment, Mao Mao joined in.

===

The next few hours of the game unfolded without a hitch. Every time Mao Mao acted in character, Badgerclops would encourage and praise him. Mao Mao grew invested in the game, talking in character and building out his story. He carried out an excellent philosophical discussion with Gilwyn about fame, Gilwyn having lost his and Mercutio seeking to grow his own. He came up with unexpected, exciting strategies in battle. He took a few failed rolls a little too personally, but Badgerclops decided that was a good sign. Mao Mao was empathizing with his character, and poking at the edges of some of his insecurities through Mercutio. Badgerclops had hoped that Mao Mao would react like this. Roleplaying might be good for him.

It felt like no time at all had passed before they came to the climactic scene. The party was split, with Gilwyn and Rirkarg fighting to place a bomb down in the hold while Mercutio faced the ship’s captain, alone. The boat had pulled out of the dock but was not yet at the reef. Duke Freewater was nowhere to be found, much to Rirkarg’s chagrin. Adorabat had cursed up a storm when they failed to find him, which Badgerclops reprimanded her for even though it was technically in character. He’d have to speak to Orangusnake later about his language at the table.

“Okay, Rirkarg, Gilwyn is holding off the guards. You have a moment to act. What do you do?”

Adorabat stood up on her chair. “I plant the bomb I made earlier right against the hull, then cover it up with some boxes so nobody will see it! This thing’s going down!”

“Roll sleight of hand.”

“Sixteen plus three! Nineteen!”

“You plant the bomb and hide it perfectly. Nobody is going to find it.”

“Good show!” Snugglemagne exclaimed. They high fived.

“Let’s jump back to Mercutio. Mercutio, you have the captain backed against the railing of the ship. He grins at you as he brandishes his cutlass. ‘You were a fool to come here, Mercutio, and a bigger fool for fighting me alone! You want to be a hero, hm? Then it’s too bad you’ll die here, weak and alone.’ You hear someone running up behind you, and before you can turn around…”

Badgerclops rolled a die. His eye shot open. “He MISSES?!”

The players cheered. “The whole ship rocks as an explosive rings out from the lower hull. You see the captain’s chief naval officer stumble past you, his sword narrowly missing your arm. He was thrown off by the blast. And because he missed, it is now your turn.”

“Come on Mao Mao, get him!” Adorabat called.

“Yes, sheriff! Destroy those men!”

“What was that about being alone, Captain Ulrich?!” Mao Mao roared, laughing as he hopped up onto his chair. “I’m stronger than you’ll ever be! And I have my friends to help me be even better!” Mao Mao grabbed a twenty-sided die from the table. “And then I stab my sword into the chief officer!”

“Roll to attack!”

Mao Mao released the die. It rolled to a stop. He leaned over the table to look at it.

“NATURAL TWENTY!!” He roared.

Adorabat screamed. Snugglemagne whistled and clapped.

“Alright Mercutio,” Badgerclops said, “describe it.”

“I switch to a dagger grip on my sword and as he stumbles to my side, I swing out without even looking. My sword goes straight up through his stomach to his head, impaling him. I keep my eyes on the captain the entire time.” Mao Mao acted out his description in dramatic fashion, illustrating the movement for everyone else to see.

“Grizzly!”

“Cool!!”

“Oh, how terribly violent of you!”

“I’m going to action surge for an additional attack.”

“What are you doing?”

“I want to pick up the chief officer and throw him at the captain, sending them both overboard.”

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” Adorabat was thrilled.

“Normally that would be a strength contest, but… he’s dead, so he can’t resist being thrown. Roll a strength check, I guess.”

Trembling with excitement, Mao Mao picked up the die. He let it roll along the table, and then…

“ANOTHER TWENTY!!!!!” He stepped a foot up onto the table as everyone absolutely lost it.

“Oh my god! Okay! Okay hang on!” Badgerclops looked like he was ready to explode. “What’s it like, and do you say anything cool?”

“I switch grips on the sword again and hoist the entire chief officer over my head like a kebab, my massive muscles rippling under the sun. I plant one foot back, yell, and spear him at the captain like a javelin. My sword slides out of him as he shoots forward.”

Badgerclops looked up at Mao Mao. There was genuine excitement in his eyes. He was being open and vulnerable, and he was having fun. 

“The body collides with Captain Ulrich, knocking him over the bannister of the ship. He grapples with the corpse, trying to get a hand onto the side of the boat before he falls.”

“I say ‘Enjoy your new view of the reef.’”

“You hear fading screaming and then a splash as he plummets from the sinking ship and falls into the water below.”

Everyone around the table cheered. King Snugglemagne hopped out of his seat and grabbed Mao Mao off the table, spinning him around in a hug. “Good show, sheriff Mao Mao! Good show!!” He deposited Mao Mao, who was now blushing, back in his seat.

They played out a short epilogue to the adventure, Gilwyn and Rirkarg pulling up in a stolen lifeboat to rescue Mercutio from the sinking ship. They were technically felons now, since they’d destroyed the Duke’s ship and killed several people, so they fled as soon as the made land. But word spread of their heroism even though they weren’t there to tell it firsthand. Mercutio’s rise as a hero had begun.

===

“Oof, I’m EXHAUSTED!” Badgerclops said, slumping back in his chair. “Thanks for playing, guys.”

“Thank you for running this little experience, sheriff Badgerclops! It was most delightful.”

“Yeah Badgerclops, that was incredible!” Mao Mao laughed. 

Badgerclops smiled at him. Then suddenly, Mao Mao was hugging him.

“Thank you.”

It was a short hug. He blushed and walked away very quickly, taking some of the snack plates with him to the kitchen to clean them up.

“How do I stack up to the Sky Pirates?” Badgerclops asked Adorabat.

She considered. “Your worldbuilding is better, but Orangusnake’s character voices are incredible. And it’s more fun with a fourth player.”

Badgerclops thought for a moment. He counted on his fingers. “Huh. Too bad we don’t have any more friends.”

“But lots of enemies!”

Badgerclops chuckled.

[jillmckenzie1]

We All Suck at Dating

A common lead question in the world of online dating is: “What are you looking for?”

Aside from being a grammatical nightmare, this question poses its own set of anxiety-ridden answers. Because how hard in the paint do you really go in response to this question when you’re on the third line of a burgeoning digital transaction? The words that your thumbs manage to string together will inevitably become the foundation for any further communication (or lack thereof).

Sidebar. Dude, didn’t you read my bio? It clearly states, “Looking for a real life human with whom to do rad things. Sucker for good teeth, nice calves, and witty banter. Here for the shirtless gym selfies (you guys, it���s a joke).” Seems pretty self-explanatory to me.

My typical response to the aforementioned question goes something like this: “Surely not looking to get laid off an app. And absolutely not interested in receiving dick pics. Would be great to find a real-life male with whom to do cool shit who also believes in hand-holding, ass-grabbing, Netflix binge-watching, and tag-team Whole Foods shopping.”

Once upon a time, I had a younger guy respond to this answer: “But does our age difference bother you?”

Cough. Cough. He clearly wasn’t aware of my subconscious bias towards younger men.

I replied, “Age is a number. Maturity is a barometer for compatibility. Why? Were you simply trying to send dick pics?”

*unmatch*

I’m sorry, WUT?! Respectable people say goodbye, or they’re not interested, or that they don’t find my humor to be as amusing as I do; they do not just act like [insert desired superlative here] and vanish into thin air (as if I wrote the book on this stuff or something).

Here’s the point. By all means, unmatch me. I don’t give any number of fucks about our premature termination of conversation. The guy I choose is going to choose me in return. He’s going to laugh at the fact that I attempt to turn him on by mentioning that I always return my shopping carts. He’s going to send me memes and screenshots of tiny houses. He’s going to share my affinity towards Mexican food and ask me for my LinkedIn profile instead of my SnapChat handle, and he’ll really mean it when he says that he’s not in search of a booty call.

At the end of the day, I have zero interest in entertaining a guilt-free ghoster. The issue here is the action. Because dammit, it’s hard enough out there. Can’t we all just play by some unstated rules that, at the very least, are governed by the premise of honesty?

I know. It’s asking a lot.

 But that brings me to my next point. About dating. We all suck at it. Yes, all of us. I’m actually quite amazed by how many of us seek to individually claim this title from every rooftop, blog post, and digital message warehouse. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I just don’t think there’s anything unique about it.

We. All. Suck.

A small bit of evidence exists in our mutual affection towards Netflix and chill. I’ve seen enough dating profiles in these last few years to make one overarching and absolutely assertive statement: when given the choice, we’ll all opt for a night spent on the couch in sweatpants eating ice cream with our dog over any nightclub and party scenario. Seriously, I have yet to encounter any male in the digital stratosphere who prefers the latter.

Because, in my humble opinion, no one wants to find his or her significant other in a bar. Absolutely not. For some, sure, the bar provides a perfect backdrop for the infamous one-night stand; I’m quasi-drunk and you’re quasi-cute (could be up for debate in the morning), so in the words of Marvin Gaye, “Let’s get it on.”

But a match–someone who challenges us and makes our lives a whole hell of a lot better (even on the worst days)–yeah, we’re not walking into any bars with the expectation of finding a soulmate.

And, despite our current aversion to commitment that is fueled by our unrelenting fear of missing out alongside our limitless access to infinite information and individuals, we do want a soulmate. Not because we believe in this antiquated ideology that only one person was made for us. No, millennials don’t walk into this world with the Shakespearian belief that compatibility is reserved for a single Romeo and his Juliet.

We more appropriately approach the definition of “soulmates” as two people who show up to participate in a revolutionized companionship. We are a generation that fully understands the power of choice, and we want to exercise this right romantically as much as we want to frequent farmer’s markets in lieu of spending our dollars at chain grocery stores. We believe in making ourselves whole, as individuals, in order to more powerfully stand beside someone who is doing the same. So, we choose ourselves as the catalyst to choose our other.

And yet, even inside of this space of a beautiful and raw and authentic desire to find a forever partner-in-crime, we’re still ghosting and we’re still sending dick pics. I’m sorry, rescind. We’re still sending dick videos. Yes, apparently, I graduated into some upper echelon of male debauchery.

Let me expand. A guy who I sparingly chatted with months ago decided to Snap me one lonely night in February (if you don’t know what “Snapping” is, keep it that way). I opened the video (which is the extent of my SnapChat proficiencies), and bam, hello, hi. My brain immediately hit overdrive as I considered throwing my phone 23 feet across the entirety of my Airstream.

I’m sorry, I haven’t spoken to you since November – neither did any previous conversation incite such ridiculous swapping of privates – and I’m now supposed to be the proud recipient of your amateur x-rated video?! Please, no. PLEASE NO.

Of course, I fired back something saucy (as if I’m going to save the world one indecent digital exposure at a time). And in the spirit of true chivalry (insert massive eyeroll here), he said that it was a mistake: “Wrong Stephanie.”

I actually can’t even (read: bull-fucking-shit).

But my potential diatribe inside an app that was literally designed to delete user history wouldn’t be saving anyone. My only hope at such a stage is the block feature because, at the end of the day, I simply don’t have time for this nonsense. Much like I don’t have time for the old flame (think college) who thought it was cute to slide into my DMs with questions about the kind of underwear I happened to be wearing. Or, the fact that exhibit B continues to patronize me with pet names (even after we established, months ago, that a romantic relationship between us would simply be settling).

Newsflash: y’all aren’t cute. YOU ALL ARE NOT CUTE.

And around we go, hiding behind our phone screens because we want the one (or at least one of the viable ones) to drop into our lives with the same level of excitement experienced by teenagers across America when Usher finally released his third studio album, 8701.

If you ask me, the going around is getting quite old. In fact, my motion sickness is at an all-time high. In the metaphor, I’m projectile vomiting out the back passenger-side window. Don’t ask me who’s driving. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I’m not puking alone.

Fact one. We’re drowning in our individual and collective nausea without any idea of how to stop the damn car. Or, at very least, slow it down. And we sure as hell don’t know where it’s going.

Fact two. Together, we are more powerful than the driver. But I’m not sure if we believe that (yet), and if we do believe it, I’m not sure that we know how to take control of the wheel (yet).

Because I would hate for us to resign ourselves to the fact that this whole dating thing is out of our control. I would hate for our desire of depth to become clouded by our habitual superficiality. I would hate for us to throw away our integrity in the name of conformity.

And I write this to us because I write this to myself. Plot twist, people. I, too, suck at dating. My judgment of those without an inkling of digital wit is embarrassingly high. It is standard issue for me to ghost anyone who resorts to asking me about my day within the first 24 hours of communication.

We just met. It’s fine. My day was fine. Am I supposed to tell you what I ate for lunch? Or about the conversation that I had with my mom? Or the hours I spent browsing Amazon for a new duvet cover?

Seriously, ask me anything else. And, please, I beg you, be funny. And charming (but not too charming). Our future depends on it.

Case in point. In a land far, far away, some guy asked me if I’d ever seen a movie titled La Strada. Clearly, not English. My answer was (and still is) no.

He wrote, “It’s foreign, so you have to be okay with subtitles.”

Well, no shit.

Me: “Great, I learned to read at a young age and quickly surpassed all of my peers, so this is promising.”

*crosses fingers and begs for a witty response*

His reply: “I like that answer. I need someone confident in what sets them apart.”

No dice.

*waves white flag*

I surrender. I absolutely surrender.

And by “surrender,” I mean that I simply fell off the face of the planet, never to associate with this poor guy (who probably had zero interest in sending a dick pic, let alone a dick video) ever again.

I just didn’t have it in me to push through in hopes of unearthing my very own Steve Carrell.

I’ll give you ten minutes. Make ‘em count. Effortlessly get me to laugh out loud, and I’ll strongly consider fraternizing as real-life people.

Hold up. Real. Life. People.

Yes, let’s be very clear, any digital union that transpires in human-to-human interaction is call for a good old-fashioned golf clap. Because it’s an anomaly by anyone’s standards.

So here we are. Together. Meandering through the airwaves and the land mines. Motion sick beyond measure. And I’d like to believe that we’re not helpless here, so my challenge is that we take control of the car. My challenge is that we align our actions and our words. Because there is nothing sexier than honesty. And honesty–honesty will save us. Also, humor. But mostly honesty.

We must be able to articulate for who or what we are looking. It is a common lead question because it is the question. It provides the foundation for action and expectation so, to revisit my initial commentary, we should go as hard in the paint as humanly possible (think Zion Williamson type shenanigans) in our responses. Because this answer allows us to proceed in a space where vulnerability is safe–whether we both swiped right in a sea of digital profiles or, quite literally, ran into each other in the singles line of our favorite chairlift.

You do not have to be in the search for serious. But you do owe the community your truth. The power is in your voice. And please, for the love of all things beautiful, let’s commit to considerate farewells that make “ghosting” so 2018 (as in, bye).

Speaking of bye and the singles line and chairlifts, I had to text my ex-boyfriend the other day to get back my second key fob for the entrance to my RV park

I refuse to pay the $20 for a replacement, okay. Judge me.

It had been nearly a month of not communicating, so you can surmise that it was a conversation that I’d been consciously avoiding. To be honest, I had stubbornly supported the idea that he should contact me first.

Obviously, unsuccessful.

So I spent hours typing and re-typing and then re-re-typing some ridiculous message that started with a Nugget update and ended with, “Oh yea, I need that key fob back.” I then spent hours deciphering and re-deciphering and then re-re-deciphering his response: “No problem. I’ll bring it to work and you can swing by one day and grab it when you’re done riding.” Please note, there is nothing cryptic here.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit nervous to, once again, look our honesty in the eye. Our ease had existed in our shared interest of doing the work. We had used our voices. And we both believed in the power of a considerate farewell. Also, laughing, there was lots of laughing.

For all intents and purposes, we were great. Apparently, our timing was not.

I’m reminding myself that, at the very least, this relationship taught me that there is hope for our collective whole to be better. It was the catalyst for me to shed an intense layer of distasteful cynicism. And for that, I can willingly embrace the uncomfortable.

It’s just two minutes. It’s just a key fob.

 Dating. It’s still a game of numbers. And we simply need to, in all of our honesty, keep showing up.

Together, we can stop the suck.

from Blog https://ondenver.com/we-all-suck-at-dating/

[mysteryfanfictheatre3000]

Back to the Frollo, Chapter 12

Warning: Frollo cries again.

Chapter Twelve

Several days passed before I ventured outside. I barricaded myself in the house, cried all the time, and could not stop thinking about Claude Frollo. I never quite got over that kiss -- that spontaneous, wildly passionate, oh-so wonderful kiss.

She’s sure freaked out by five minutes of a yelling and a short kiss. She seems very emotionally unstable.

Oh Claude! I didn't want things to get this crazy; I really loved you! But I didn't care if I ever laid eyes on Claude again.

Is she talking to modern-day Frollo? Is he reading this story? What?

I made arrangements with a young man who was organizing a trip to the East, a trade expedition in search of spices and fine fabrics. I was a little nervous about going to medieval Persia and Arabia, but I didn't care.

Dude. You’re going to die. You are going to get attacked by robbers at the very least, and probably pick up smallpox, plague, cholera or some other ancient disease along the way. The possibilities of the various horrors that will kill you are endless!

Besides, Fern was still in Texas and wouldn't be back for several weeks; I decided not to wait. I had to get out of Paris as soon as possible.

Just abandon everything about your previous life like that. Not an issue.

I knew good-byes were in order, and I didn't have the heart to tell the children I was leaving. I gathered them in the square those last few days and played games with them as if nothing was wrong. Looking into those little faces made me re-think my decision, but no, I wouldn't give Claude Frollo the satisfaction of thinking he'd "won". Saying good-bye to a certain bellringer, however, would be even more difficult.

No, don’t drag poor Quasimodo into this mess even more! He’s innocent, leave him alone!

******

"Oh Nisha, do you have to leave?", Quasi asked as we packed the now-finished Civil War battle set. "I'm sorry, Quasi, but let's just say your master and I don't exactly see eye-to-eye", I said, admiring the amazing accuracy of Quasi's work, even though the events depicted would not happen for almost 400 years. Although I never told him of my latest stormy encounter with Frollo, Quasimodo became strangely defensive of his guardian.

It’s called Stockholm Syndrome.

"Look, just because he said some things that rubbed you the wrong way....", he said with a sigh, "Frollo's not the easiest man to get along with, but I'm grateful to him...I mean...Don't leave because he got on your nerves." Quasi then gave me a big hug. "You've been a wonderful friend, brightening up my days. You don't know what it's like up here, all alone with no one to talk to."

Did Phoebus and Esmeralda just disappear? Danisha seems to indicate this took place after the movie and Frollo somehow survived, so either Esmeralda died like in the musical and Phoebus just ran off someplace and abandoned Quasi, or they both just left Paris and never came back. I guess it makes sense for them to run away if Frollo was in charge, but if so, why not take Quasimodo with them?

He then grinned broadly, saying, "Thanks for reading to me and telling me those wonderful stories. You know, I sometimes recite those poems to my gargoyle friends." He nodded to the three funny-looking stone figures nearby.

Yes, let’s add in the most irritating characters by far just to stretch out this awful story a little bit longer.

I mulled over his words, then told him, "Quasi, how can I leave such a good friend. I promised I'd stay the rest of the summer, and...well...I not the type to break promises." We hugged each other again, and, just before Quasi headed downstairs, he said, "Just say you'll stay." When I told him I'd stay for the rest of the summer, Quasimodo was elated. "Great! I KNEW you wouldn't go! I've got chores to do downstairs. When I'm finished, could we read some more of those poems?"

So she changed her just mind like that? Really?

"Sure, Quas, take your time. I'm not going anywhere", I replied with a smile. He was right, I just couldn't leave; Claude and I will just have to keep our distances. After Quasi left, I settled down with a delightful little volume of James Whitcomb Riley's poetry. I got lost in the words; Riley's Hoosier homespun rhymes, written in that wonderful Indiana dialect, made me so oblivious to my surroundings that I almost didn't feel the tap on my shoulder. Quasi finished his chores already? I turned around and looked dead into the eyes of Claude Frollo.

And so we get more terrible, sappy “romance” between two people I hate. Oh joy.

I immediately got up and headed for the steps, but he caught me by the arm, and tenderly said, "Please, Nisha. Don't leave, my dear. There is so much we need to say to each other." I was getting ready to slap him, but his manner was so unusually gentle this time, I sat down again and listened. Claude sat across from me, took my hands into his, and began what sounded like an apology. "I did not come here in search of a fight, but forgiveness. What happened those few days ago..." His voice began trembling with emotion. "I shouldn't have let things get so completely..."

Since when has he been gentle, understanding and respectful of women? He’s a horrible human being, and he doesn’t care about Danisha’s feelings or forgiveness! If any of this was even half true he’d be off commanding soldiers to murder some innocents because he can’t deal with a crush!

I finished his sentence, "So completely out of hand, Claude?...No, Claude. I was the guilty party. I said terrible things to you, not to mention causing all that mess in the first place...." The words came tumbling out of my mouth. Claude sweetly kissed my hands, his voice still quavering. "Don't put all the blame on yourself, darling." He then got up and knelt in front of me. What was to come out of Claude Frollo's mouth would change my life forever. Claude's graceful hand gently caressed my face as he gazed into my eyes. "My dear Danisha," he began, his voice breaking with emotion, "you know I've grown quite fond of you..."

So their relationship began with sexual assault, weird pet names and drama? i’m not sure why I expected anything different.

He stopped himself, rose to his feet and paced the room. His turned and covered his face as if he didn't want me to see the depth of his emotion. Then Claude wheeled around to face me. His eyes were hot with passion, tears streamed down his finely chisled cheekbones.

Why is he such a crybaby? He breaks down in tears over things that normal people don’t even bat an eyelash at. I think he’s crying in half his screentime here!

"Why don't I just come out and say it!", Claude bellowed in a voice choked with anguish, "For the past few days I have thought of nothing but you!" I felt as if shot a hundred times. I sat riveted to my chair, unable to move or speak. He continued, "Night and day, I longed to feel your silky honeyed skin, gaze into those enchanting brown eyes. Oh, to hear your voice, that gloriously musical voice, saying you love me." Claude then knelt before me again, caressed my hands, face, and hair, then finally confessed, "I love you, dear sweet Nisha, I love you." My eyes were still locked into his; I had to say something.

This is when you should call the police and/or get the hall out of here, because he’s quite obviously some sort of stalker weirdo.

"Claude...did you say...what I think you said...You love me?" "Darling, what more is there to say?", Claude gently replied, as he drew closer to me and tenderly, yet passionately, kissed my mouth. My arms enfolded him and I, without hesitation, responded to him with equal passion. It was a long, slow kiss that rivaled the sultriest and steamiest of Indiana summers; it was that intense. Afterwards, Claude said to me, "There, my love. Now...how can you leave Paris? I was so looking forward to spending the remainder of summer with you." "Ooh Claude", I cooed back, "I'm so glad I decided not to..." I suddenly stopped myself.

The fact that she even considered abandoning her entire life because she was mad at one dude should be enough to give her pause.

Hold on! Time out! HOW did he know I was leaving town? I told no one except Quasi, and even then I didn't reveal any details. Claude looked at me half-amusedly. "Quasimodo is not the..what is that phrase your friend uses...'tell-all'?...sort, my dearest. But you really should be more careful with whom you make travel arrangements." Claude Frollo, his mood now changed to full-tilt hilarity, continued laughingly, "My dear! The young "organizer" of that little expedition is one of my best spies!"

Fern? Was this entire thing a ruse to get Danisha and Frollo together? I don’t understand anything that’s going on here!

He was now on his back, rolling and convulsing with uproarious laughter. I was livid! The man who just poured out his heart and soul to me, with whom I shared the sweetest and hottest of kisses, was getting a kick out my naivete. "How'd I know that dude was a spy?", I spoke sistah-style. "It's not funny, Claude."

Oh, are they referring to the guy Nisha made arrangements to go to Asia with? This author really has to be more clear as to what she’s talking about. And she has to stop talking in “sistah-style.” It isn’t sexy, funny, cute or likable, just weird and vaguely racist sounding.

"Oh, yes it is, dear heart. And it's not just with WHOM you are travelling but to WHERE!" He sported a wide, evil grin as he continued his digs at me. "Honestly, darling, for the life of me...I can just visualize you in the wilds of Arabia." Claude words were punctuated with his deep, throaty laughter as he continued, "You, ending up in some sultan's harem, and the poor man putting up with your ever-changing moods and saucy tongue!" Still grinning, he sat in the chair across from me and looked at me in earnest.

This reminds me of Darth Vader from Splinter of the Mind’s Eye, calling Leia a “steel kitten,” in that it tried to sound villainous but just comes across as OOC and weird.

"I'm sorry, darling, but I needed the laugh after...If I offended you...I'm sorry, but...it's all so funny." He was still amused, and I was still smarting from the levity enjoyed at my expense. Out of some sense of false, wounded pride, I immediately got up and headed for the steps.

They are so incredibly on and off again, and I feel like they go from making out to hating each other in seconds. It’s just oddly paced and confusing.

Claude, his amusement now turned to serious concern, caught me from behind. "Don't tell me you're still leaving, after all that was confessed here tonight." I pulled away from him, gave him the look that I reserved only for men who did me wrong, and told him, "It appears YOU did all the talking, confessing your 'love'. And I really wanted to believe you." Claude looked at me in disbelief, but I kept on, "Then you have a laugh at my expense, poke fun of my...What did you mean my 'changing moods and saucy tongue'? Never mind, I'm out of here."

But… you did change your mood every five minutes, and you do sound saucy, intentionally nonetheless!

As I turned to descend the steps, Claude came after me, pleading, "Please, Danisha, don't leave me. I love you!" "What do you want from me, Claude?", I asked. Claude Frollo gave me that same little-boy look I beheld after our first encounter. "Just tell me you love me, and that you will stay." He reached out for me, but I stepped back.

“Or I’ll murder you with fire.”

"Claude, there're only two things that'll keep me here", I began, "and that's Quasi and the kids, but I think they can get along without me." "And what about ME?", Claude emotionally asked. I sneered back, "What about you? You say you love me, but what'll happen down the road? You'll just turn around and treat me like yesterday's garbage." Claude's eyes were bright with emotion.

That’s actually very true. They could never have a healthy relationship because he’s him and she’s her and they’re both too awful for that.

"I'd never do that, my dear. I'd never mistreat my sweet precious..."

Why is he suddenly Gollum? “My precious….”

He had his arms around me, and began kissing me again. Oooh, how I loved the way his lips caressed my face and neck. Mmmm...this feels so wonderful! I was really enjoying this, so much I wanted to melt with him, be his woman forever and ever... But something inside me snapped. I withdrew from his embrace, faced him with hellfire and fury. "No! I don't want this! I'm sorry, Claude, but I got to get out of here."

She’s in love with him, and then hates him, and then she loves him again- these constant heel-face turns are just weird and confusing to read. Stop doing that.

Claude again pleaded with me, "Why can't I make you understand? Don"t you want to be with me, to love me?" I edged my way to the steps. "Save your sob story for someone else, baby. I'm outta here! And for what it's worth, I may not end up in Arabia, but I'd rather slog through the Louisana swamps, take my chances with the 'gators and snakes, than be stuck in Paris with the likes of you!" And with that, I stormed down the steps.

She changed her mind again?!

He didn't even try to follow me. Good! I don't need him, don't want him, don't love... I was halfway down the steps and Claude still made no attempts to pursue me. I stopped, sat down on the step, and couldn't believe what I just did. I threw it away! A once-in-a-lifetime chance, a golden opportunity at happiness was handed to me, and I blew it!

And now she regrets it. Reading this chick’s internal monologue is so weird. I thinks he has some personality issues at the very least from what I’ve read thus far.

All at once, Claude's words of love finally seeped through thick layers of my stubborn pride. I actually loved him! I wanted him, needed him... Maybe it's not too late!

Because he’d want you back after that? He probably wants to burn you to death! Why are you manipulating and messing with the one person Fern specifically told you not to mess with?

Tears rolled down my face as I raced back up the steps. It's now or never, girlfriend, if he changes his mind, you'll know who to blame. I stopped in the doorway and saw Claude Frollo, the esteemed Minister of Justice, a man of power and control, huddled on the floor, sobbing softly. I tip-toed up to him and lightly stroked his now-disheveled gray hair. "Claude", I said sobbingly, "I'm...I'm sorry." Claude raised his eyes to me, and stretched out his hand.

And now they’re both crying again. I should start a counter for every time someone starts sobbing unnecessarily because of “feels.”

Without hesitation, I fell to my knees and embraced him. I felt his arms around me and heard him say to me over and over, "It's all right, my love. I understand, my sweet Nisha. You are forgiven, darling."

Darling, honey, love… these nicknames are forever ruined for me.

We kissed again and again, sweet, passionate kisses that would be exchanged countless times to come. "I love you, Claude Frollo, I love you. I didn't mean to hurt you", I tearfully confessed. There! I finally told Claude I loved him, something I should have done days before, but did not have the courage. We kissed again and held each other a long time.

Is this happening in the middle of Notre Dame? are they just crying and making out on the floor of the church in front of other people? I think that would raise some alarm in the parishioners.

At last, Claude stood up, and helped me to my feet. He neatened his hair and donned the famous triangular hat. He then embraced me again and tenderly kissed my a41 face as if to erase my tears. "Come along, my love, I'll take you home."

Her a41 face? What does that even mean?

****** Claude and I walked arm-in-arm down the long corridor of Notre Dame. Our eyes were locked on each other; we almost didn't notice Quasimodo, who was heading for the belltower steps. "Master...Mlle. Nisha...I thought...What's going on here?", he asked confusedly.

“Oh, we’re just making out and changing our opinions of each other every six seconds. Just because, y’know?”

Claude Frollo turned to his young charge. "I am seeing this young lady home, Quasimodo. I will visit you tomorrow. Good night, dear boy." "Good night, Quasi", I echoed. "Good night", replied Quasimodo as he scratched his head in puzzlement.

I feel you, Quasi. I’m equally as confused by this mess of a story.

Outside, Claude boosted me up into the saddle. I never rode such a fine horse! Claude settled himself behind me, and, with the reins in his right hand and his left arm around me, guided Snowball towards the little house Fern and I shared.

I thought Fern had that chateau she didn’t let you in because she was “doing business,” but then again, nothing else in this godforsaken thing does either.

I softly sang that old Etta James song, "At Last, my love has come along..." "What are you singing, sweet darling?", Claude chuckled in my ear. "Oh, just a love song that was popular when I was a child." I then grinned and said playfully, "I'se Min'ster Frollo's woman now."

STOP USING THAT VOICE. IT’S WEIRD, JUST WEIRD.

Claude chuckled again, his lips grazing the back of my neck, "You certainly are, my dear. You are finally mine, and I am yours." He softly sang a sweet French love song in as we neared my Parisian home. Claude saw me to my door. He kissed me good-night,saying, "Pleasant dreams, my love". I was a little disappointed. "Oh Claude, I'd thought you'd come inside for a few moments."

NO. DO NOT.

Claude just laughed and said, "Now, my dear, we both know we had a very emotional evening..." He flashed a broad smile. Oh, he has the sexiest smile! "All right, honey", I said, "I'll get some rest. Will I see you tomorow?" Claude kissed me again and playfully replied, "Oh, my dear Danisha, you'll see me in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, and the next day, and the next..." I joined in Claude's hearty laughter and kissed him again. "This is definitely turning into a summer to remember", I said.

Oh my god, I want to vomit. The cheesiness, the awfulness, I just can’t.

We finally said good-night and I watched him ride away. I was right; Claude was right. We finally found each other. But the summer was not over and the fireworks were just beginning.

Please let it end, please let it end-